Sedentary Solo Weekend

For the first time in more than a month, I'm not out of town or putting in extra hours at the office, and Scarlett is doing 48 hours in Sin City...you have no idea how excited I am to be able to stay at home and have some down time to get things organized. Okay, I'll leave to watch the European GP, but that's it...

Best of the week: Hef may have lost his young tail, but there's still guys out there picking up the slack. So congratulate Doug Hutchison, the 51-year-old actor (from Lost, The X-Files, and The Green Mile) who married Courtney Stoddard...who is 16. And from the pictures, she looks barely a day under 25.


It should be noted that Stodden is signed to Hutchison's production company, Dark Water, which might have something to do with the wedding. And in order for it to happen, Stodden's mother gave parental consent so that the two could wed in Las Vegas, who aside from her support, added "Courtney was a virgin when she married Doug. She is a good Christian girl." Hutchison is four years older than his father in law, and Alex Stodden said, "Every father can only pray to have such a man behind their daughter." Sir, I imagine that's exactly where he is right now.


Best bonus links:


• Men Say 'I Love You' Before Women Do - Because men want to get laid before women do.


• One Dead, One Critical After Dallas Rave Party - And they said the rave as only so-so.


• Beautiful People Dumps 30,000 Ugly Members - Hopefully they'll use the refund for self improvement.


• Amy Winehouse Cancels Shows After Belgrade Blunder / Ailing Amy Winehouse Cancels Part Of European Tour / Amy Winehouse Cancels Entire Tour - Time heals all wounds.


• Lytro, The Camera That Could Change Photography Forever - What, I'm just going to tell you how? Follow the link!


• Gaylord Complex To Create 1,800 Jobs When Complete - That's a lot of gaylords!


• Topless Robot Presents The Best Scenes From The Green Lantern Movie - there's not many, but the review makes up for it.


• California Legislature To Forfeit Pay, Chiang Says - You can't make a legal budget on time, you don't get paid, plain and simple.


• Bristol Palin: I Lost My Virginity While Drunk - This, to the surprise of no one. It happened somewhere between the second and third wine cooler, and 10 minutes after Levi said he loved her.


• Is It A Bird? Is It A Plane? No, It's Superman And Friends... Painted On Soviet War Statue By The Banksy Of Bulgaria - Vandalism has never looked so pop culture kitchy


• The Inner-Workings Of Mail-Order Music Clubs - Warning, it will cost more than a penny and you can not cancel at any time.


• Police: Gambling Mom Left Girl, 3, Alone In Motel - What, that kid had no poker face.


• Pervious Concrete Is Awesome, Kind Of Zen - Not to be confused with perverted concrete, which is nasty.


• Incompetent Chainsaw Attacker Flees From Bat-Wielding Man - This is going to be good!


• Sega Attacked, Hacker Group Offers To Take Revenge - Let's hope they don't employ a bat or chainsaw.


• Irony alert: Buy KFC's 800-Calorie Soda To Support Diabetes Research - Think of it as a literal investment in your health.


Worst of the week: A Jerusalem rabbinical court condemned to death by stoning a dog it suspects is the reincarnation of a secular lawyer who insulted the court's judges 20 years ago. This is why there can never be peace in the Middle East.


Apparently, the large dog made its way into the Monetary Affairs Court in the ultra-Orthodox Jewish neighbourhood of Mea Shearim in Jerusalem, frightening judges and plaintiffs. Despite attempts to drive the dog out of the court, it refused to leave the premises. One of the judges recalled a curse the court had passed down upon a secular lawyer who had insulted the judges two decades previously. Good luck following that logic train, but when you have judicial curses being issued, I guess anything is possible..


They believe the lawyer's spirit to moved into the body of a dog, an animal considered impure by traditional Judaism. One of the judges sentenced the animal to death by stoning by local children, but the dog managed to escape. Further proof it's the reincarnated lawyer! All I can say is oy vey.


Worst bonus links:


• Tritium Leaks Found At Many Nuke Sites - I don't even know what that is, but it sounds bad.


• Bay: New 3-D Transformers Better Than No. 2 - Uh, no, it's not better than shit. It's still shit..


• Master Chef Really Draws A Crowd - Especially when there are people digitally added to it.


• Deer Dropped By Eagle Knocks Out Power In Montana - Yep, life out in the boonies.


• Cuba: Seas To Rise More Than 30 Inches By 2100 - Bad news if you live on an island, but by then I think most of the people will have already gone to Florida.


• Gossip Girl Star To Play Jeff Buckley In Movie - Penn Badgely? JB is rolling in his grave.


• Report Says Big Southland Quake Would Have Huge Effect On Workforce And Economy - And this wasn't even the top story for The Common Knowledge Journal.


• 55-Foot 'Sea Monster' Washes Up In China - I thought all the Kardashian sisters were back in Los Angeles?


• Sarah And Bristol Palin Trademark Their Names - To what, Dumb and Dumber?


• Lulzsec Hackers Go To War With 4chan - Geek on nerd violence...when will the cycle be broken?


• Science Confirms It: Whining Is The Most Annoying Sound Ever - So now, officially, shut up bitch.


• Polo Player In Canucks Riot Apologizes - Savor it. That is the only time you will ever see the words "polo player" and "riot" in the same sentence ever again.


• R.I.P. Gene Colan And Peter Falk - Falk and Colon!


• Mother Charged With Killing Baby In Microwave - She should have used defrost and not cook.


• Hugh Hefner's Aborted Wedding Becomes A TV Special / Holly Madison Trashes Crystal Harris' Cancelled Wedding Day Bash / Crystal Harris Will Keep $90,000 Ring, Bentley From Hugh Hefner - The only thing less interesting than the magazine these days is the personal life of it's founder.


• PNC To Buy RBC Unit For $3.45 Billion - Too many initials. This just sounds like a bad idea.


• Jon Bon Jovi On Crutches After Strain - He should not have tried to hit that high note.

Columbia, Of Course

Having made a name for themselves as well known for white powder as Aspen, Columbia is now looking to be as lush and green as Northern California.

Their newest cash crop is genetically modified marijuana, grown in greenhouses outside Cali, their capital. The strains sell for 100,000 pesos per kilo - or or $54 for more than two pounds, which is 10 times more than the local price for ordinary marijuana, and way the fuck cheaper than anything getting sold in America.

Local authorities said seeds imported from Europe and the United States have allowed "a bigger production and better quality at the same time". Ugh, guys, you're not discouraging it with that kind of endorsement. One of the modified varieties goes by the name "Creepy", while another that's well known in Europe called "La Cominera", is named for the Colombian village where it grows. These plants have close to an 18% THC concentration level, which beats the piss out of the two to seven percent in regular plants.

Despite the fact that marijuana production is illegal in Colombia (shocking!), farmers have to heed the economic advantages. Coffee and banana crop prices fluctuate widely in Columbia, and it is difficult for goods to reach markets before they spoil, due to their a poor road network (also shocking!). "I don't like growing marijuana, but it ended up that way," one farmer said. "I received a loan to grow coffee, but I was drowning and I had to sell my harvest very cheap. My sister told me it would be better to plant marijuana." Let that be a lesson to you - it's not smoking or alcohol that's a gateway to marijuana, it's sisters.

The plant had been introduced in Columbia in the 1930s, and hemp was originally, legally used in the production of textiles and soccer balls. But in 1962, authorities banned the use of marijuana in those products in order to comply with international standards. Buzzkills!

Though still the world's biggest producer of cocaine (last noted in 2009), marijuana production and sales are growing. Local authorities have already seized 27 tons of marijuana by June, compared to 23 tons last year, and the profits are believed to be financing the sixth front of the FARC guerrilla forces. Having close to 8,00 fighters and spanning more than 47 years, the insurgency is said to be 90% financed by marijuana. The only thing more dependant on weed is Cypress Hill.

"Anatoliy Shishkov", By Rymdreglage

King Richard

On the eve of the NHL Draft, there's still big moves happening in the league...

The Philadelphia Flyers needed to clear cap space so they could add free agent goalie Ilya Bryzgalov (whose rights were dealt the club by Phoenix several weeks back), and did so by dumping $110 million in combined salary through 2020 and 2022 in the form of Jeff Carter and captain Mike Richards. Congratulations, you solved the long standing problem in net that let to a second round playoff exit by getting rid of arguably your top two players who combined for 59 goals and 132 points this year!

Carter, ended up with the Columbus Blue Jackets (so now there will no longer just be Rick Nash wasting his talent there), and Richards, well, he'll need a nine year supply of sunscreen. Having planned on ending his career in Philly, Richards said he would have never signed his 12 year extension in 2007 if he knew he'd end up getting traded, but was excited about the opportunity:

"I was fortunate enough to go to L.A., where I’ve heard nothing but tremendous things, not only about the organization but about the city and how nice it is out there and how great the organization treats you. I’m not sure how I’m going to fit in, but I like the makeup of the team. They’ve got an extremely gritty team with a lot of skill. They have two great goaltenders, up to a defense that is skilled and play the game hard, and then you’ve got a lot of depth at the forward position too."

Of course, there was a price to pay - Wayne Simmonds and coveted prospect Brayden Schenn. The initial reaction was mixed in L.A., as Simmonds, though slumping last season, was still a fan favorite and a hard, young player with plenty of time to continue to grow. But as a restricted free agent (as of July 1), the clock was ticking if there were plans to deal him. Schenn, who came up from juniors to play nine games with the Kings this year, had been the object of trade inquiries from the day the team drafted him.

GM Dean Lombardi often said he would not give up the budding star, who many believe could become a "Mike Richards-type" player, "unless the timing has to be right and it has to be the right player". Well, I think getting the actual Mike Richards qualifies. And the 1-2 centers of Anze Kopitar and Richards make the team level with other heavyweight opponents. "You go into Vancouver and it’s Sedin and Kesler. You go into Detroit, it's Zetterberg and Datsyuk. You go to San Jose, it's Thornton, Pavelski, Couture. Those models of strength down the middle — Boston is another example — that still holds," said Lombardi.

Also surfacing this week has been the story of Ryan Smyth, who the Kings seem to be angling for a trade to Edmonton, where Smyth played for years and was reportedly seeking to return. While it would weaken the team at it's already weakest spot (LW), dealing the 35-year-old would free up close to $16 million, money which would be spent on a new long term deal for stud defenseman Drew Doughty (and other RFA's like Brad Richardson and Alec Martinez).

UPDATE 1: The Smyth trade to the Oilers, for the time being, has fallen apart. Apparently, the teams agreed on the trade, at issue is the health of Gilbert Brule, who the Kings would get in exchange for Smyth. By all indications, the Kings don’t intend to keep Brule, and the most-likely scenario would be a buyout, but that can’t happen if Brule is considered injured (he had concussion issues last season).

UPDATE 2: Mike Richards will wear No. 10. The three previous owners - Marco Sturm, Brayden Schenn and Alyn McCauley, lasted a combined total of 35 games with it. Let it not be cursed!

Puerco-Chihuahua Housebreaking

With an army of assistants and entourage in tow, it's no surprise that a diva like Jennifer Lopez lacks the skills to be responsible parent.

Her skinny puppy-looking husband Marc Anthony revealed their technique for getting their kids to use the toilet was by bribing them with lollipops. "In order to potty train them, every time they'd use the toilet we'd give them a lollipop," he said. Brilliant, except they ran out of lollipops in three days, which showed both a commitment to making sure they had succeeded and considerable planning. Finally, it dawned on them that their half-assed attempt at parenting may have not yielded the right results: their three-year-old Max ended up using their swimming pool as his own giant toilet bowl.

"It got into the filtration system and they charged us to clean it," said the proud parents. "He took a $6,000 dump in the pool!" Nice. And now there's no chance that he'll hear about it years later and be totally mortified.

I may not be qualified to fix the components in a pool, but I have been in one, and it's kinda hard for a shit to get into the filters...because it has to get in it. So unless he squatted into the filter itself, how'd it get there? Did it invisibly sneak out of his bathing suit and swim across the pool into the filters? Because it would have to for them - or more realistically their help, not to see it happening and try to stop it. Unless, as I think, the kid was unsupervised at the pool, which is far more likely and wholey more satisfying a story.  But let's not detract from the real magic of a $6000 shit (or in Lopez terms, the equivelent of hundreds of bottles of her perfume) .

Close Encounters Of The South London Kind

Attack Of The Bagelheads

So, the newest stupid thing on Planet Japan is making yourself look like you have a disfigured, tumor sodden face. Sorry if you thought the header was a Zionist reference or something...

In Tokyo, "freaks for the night" drip saline into their foreheads for two hours while they depress the center. Their bodies absorb it over time so by the next morning it goes back to normal. Extreme body modification photographer Ryoichi “Keroppy” Maeda said that "everyone I know who has done it, no matter how many times, their skin has gone back to exactly how it was before."

Wow, I guess it's finally come to this for the "trying too hard" crowd...

Temp-pair-ary

Even if you're an octogenarian softcore mogul, what the FDA said is true: you can't keep breast implants for life.

Women who get silicone breast implants are likely to need additional surgery within 10 years to address complications (such as rupturing), and close to 1 in 5 women who receive them for cosmetic reasons will have them removed within that time (I assume a fair number of them are due to moving up to a large size).

After reviewing new data on silicone-gel breast implants, the FDA concluded "implants are basically safe as long as women understand they come with complications", including painful scar tissue and ruptured implants. And the longer the implant are in there, the more likely there could be complications.  It wasn't a vote of confidence for saline-filled versions either, which come with the same complications.

Boob jobs Breast augmentation is the top cosmetic surgery in the U.S., with nearly 300,000 women getting a boob boost in 2010, and many of those in, or for those about to arrive in Los Angeles. Doctors say women getting cosmetic implants need to understand that their breasts also will change with age or weight gain, and even if the implant doesn't rupture or develop scar tissue, the skin and fat around it can droop or sag in unattractive ways. Talk about a product that locks the consumer into continuing to use it!

The FDA says they will work to revise safety labels for silicone breast implants after reviewing data from several long-term studies, but let's hope they don't follow this model.

In "Bloom:

Breaking News From The Department Of Obvious Studies

On the heels of such breakthrough research as the "Water Is Wet" papers and the universally regarded "Food Satisfies Hunger" theory, a recent study by Texas researchers seems to have proved that men who wear expensive clothes and drive flashy cars are more successful at having flings and staying single than their counterparts. Everything really is big in Texas, including the waste of time and money.

Their survey of nearly 1,000 men and women, they looked for "signals" sent by conspicuous consumption and how it is viewed by the opposite sex. C'mon, everybody knows that splashy spending is a signal to women that they want a to get some - the human equivalent of peacock plumage is a canary yellow Ferrari (the only reason for that nasty color is to say "look at me").

"Basically, they're just trying to convince a female that, 'Hey, if all you're looking for is genes, I have the best genes, so you should choose me,'" said marketing professor Dr. Jill Sundie. Yes, women know that the fat, ugly, middle aged guy in a sports car has the best genes. She continued, "Women seem to understand that when they see a man who has chosen to spend money conspicuously, they think he would be more interesting as a date." Or a source of income.

I'm looking forward to their next project - a study linking bitchy, ugly women with loneliness.

Warning Signs

"The surgeon general’s warnings are different on the sides of each pack. Mine says, 'Surgeon General Warning: Cigarette smoking may cause fetal injury or premature birth.' Hey, fuck it! Found my brand. Just don't get the ones that say lung cancer." - the great Bill Hicks

And now, smokers can do the same with the graphic images about to adorn smoking packages. Dead bodies, diseased lungs, and even a man on a ventilator will be the part of a new U.S. anti-smoking campaign. The change was part of a law that put the tobacco industry under the control of the U.S. Food and Drug Administration in November 2010, and the new labels must be on cigarette packages and in advertisements no later than September 2012.

For example, the packaging would say, "WARNING: Cigarettes are addictive," and then illustrated with a photograph of a man smoking a cigarette through a hole in his throat. Nice. Other messages point out the dangers of secondhand smoke to children, tobacco's causal link to fatal lung disease, cancer, strokes, heart disease and death. By the numbers, over 221,000 Americas will be diagnosed with lung cancer in 2011, accounting for about 14% of all cancer cases, and 150,000 expected to die from lung cancer this year. So this is a good thing, right?

Fuck no.

According to Health and Human Services, the goal of the warnings is to stop children from starting to smoke and offer adults who want to quit some help. Well, does that need to be at the expense of everybody else who doesn't smoke who has to see these graphic advertisements? If I want to see rotting, gnarled, and ravaged body parts, I'll go to the internet when I want, not inadvertently from behind the counter at 7-11.

If you're still unaware of the health repercussions of smoking in 2011 then you should die - you're too stupid to live. It's a choice, and for those that make it, don't subject me to your second hand smoke. And the same goes for the government and their nasty images.

The Commencement Report

iCommon

These are the 10 most common iPhone numeric lock-codes, as "anonymously gathered" by the Big Brother Security Camera app (sadly, no longer part of Apple's App Store).

These ten represent 15% of the 204,508 passcodes sampled. For the full article on how lame your passcode is, check here.

Dunn Gone

What a shit way to start the day and find out Ryan Dunn died early in the AM hours...

The Jackass star and his yet-unidentified passenger were killed in a fiery car crash when his 2007 Porsche careened off the road, flipped over a guardrail and crashed over 40 yards into the woods of in suburban Philadelphia.

It's just sad...those guys hurt themselves doing stupid stunts and pranks and have a good laugh about it at the end, but to to have something terrible like that happen in real life sucks.


UPDATE: Some of his legendary acts of silliness, in memoriam.

When The Last Circus Comes To Town

"Because if I wasn't a clown, I'd be a murderer."

The Origin Issue

Hope you weren't too comfy with your DC superheroes and their decades of continuity, because it's rebootin' time!

The entire DC Comics line of comic books will be re-launched in September with new #1 issues that feature "younger", redesigned versions of the heroes. The move coincides with same day digital releases via DC's mobile applications and web store, and is on par with other notable reboots like New Coke and the American version of Skins. Over 50 titles will see their history erased and retooled for what DC Comics co-publisher Dan DiDio calls "today's audience". Let me give you a little hint fella, today's audience is not just yesterday's, but last century's...it's guys in their 20's, 30's and 40's who are your core, not school children and tweens.

All the big names - Batman, Superman, Green Lantern, The Flash, Wonder Woman and Aquaman, will "injected with new life" (a horrible clichè, even for comic books) as the stories "are grounded in each character's specific legend" but also "reflect today's real-world themes and events". So what, will Aquaman have to deal with the BP spill? Or was The Flash a NASCAR driver who gets special speed powers? They're men in tights with powers who fight villains - don't forget that.

Longtime DC artist Jim Lee (and other co-publisher) spearheaded the redesign of scores of costumes to "make characters more identifiable and accessible to comic fans new and old". Hold on - what the fuck!?! How can you make Batman more identifiable than the bat logo on his chest? Or Superman's spit curl and golden S? Or Wonder Woman's tits? People around the world can identify these heroes...they're at the top of their Q factor!

Sure, there have been re-launches to try to get some buzz, and titles changing slightly to start over and allow entry points for new readers, but never a full-on reset. Basically, this is a giant flail and a move born out of desperation and panic. You saw it on a smaller scale last year when Wonder Woman got a makeover which didn't last. DC has been losing market share on an annual basis since 2002 to Marvel, who has already done the reboot thing - but correctly.

Rather than trade the solid, built in audience created by years of cultivation for a pandering swipe at a younger generation, Marvel kept their regular comic line and made the reboot happen in a new, separate universe, which they branded the "Ultimate" line. Sure, Peter Parker became Spider-Man, and the X-Men were still mutants hated by society, but the Ultimate incarnations were free of their history, and therefore could have all those tales retold or remade with different twists. Gender changes, costume and origin redesigns were all fair game, and the Ultimate versions soon rivaled their older counterparts. Uh, why do you think Nick Fury looks like Sam Jackson and not this guy in all the Marvel films? The popularity and new take from the Ultimate line...

Comics Alliance points out several major events from recent years that have, for better or worse, factored into characters' histories:

The death of Superman; Clark Kent's marriage to Lois Lane; the death of the second Robin, Jason Todd; the activities of Damian Wayne, the son of Batman and Talia al Ghul; Crisis on Infinite Earths, Infinite Crisis and 52, the stories that defined the nature of the DC Multiverse itself; the crippling of Barbara Gordon, the original Batgirl; the defeat of Batman at the hands of Bane, resulting in the installation of the homicidal Jean-Paul Valley as Batman; the fall and redemption of Green Lantern Hal Jordan; The Sinestro Corps War, Blackest Night and the rest of the Green Lantern "emotional spectrum" mythology; Final Crisis and the journey of Bruce Wayne across time; the emergence of Batwoman Kate Kane; and the consolidation and reconciliation of dozens of characters from the Golden Age of DC Comics and their descendants, as depicted in books like JSA, Justice Society of America and Starman.

And if you don't know about most of those, congratulations, you are probably not a virgin. Mentioned above are several convoluted attempts to fix their fractured history - Crisis on Infinite Earths, Infinite Crisis, 52, Zero Hour, and Final Crisis. These massive crossovers and multi-part storylines were attempts to fix decades of fractured storytelling and failed reboots...and clearly didn't work. So why go all in again is more stunt and less strategy to me.

I've always been a Marvel fan, and it makes me happy to see that such a colossal move (and eventual catastrophic mistake) was done by the other guys...

Just A Triple Backflip

An Apartment Complex Runs Through It

Irvine's Wild Rivers water park will close at the end of the summer, to be replaced with an exciting new apartment development! Just what Irvine needs!

The area was rezoned for residential use in 2006, and the Irvine Co. (the developing firm that basically runs the city) chose to exit their lease agreement with the park the following year. In the subsequent years, the water park was allowed to remain open while looking to secure a relocation site, but there was nothing suitable in Orange County.

In addition to the shuttering of the 26-year-old waterpark, nearby Camp James (a children's summer day camp for children) will close as of October 2. Close to 1,700 apartments will eventually go up on the same site, providing families and children countless hours of fun. The waterpark's 1,200 seasonal employees, half of whom are local youths, will be offered jobs if a new location is still able to be found. Otherwise, they're welcome to get their hard hats and make a career change - I hear the construction sector is about to boom!

This is a smart move for the town, which can move one step farther from it's identity as a fun loving and free-spirited city, and finally gain credibility as a serious, office-park style community.

Thrashed And Shut Out

Canada struck back again at their hockey neighbors to the south by regaining another club from Georgia. Canada 2, Atlanta 0.

The Atlanta Thrashers owners sold their team to a group in Winnipeg, marking the return of pro hockey to the city who lost their own Jets team 15 years ago to Phoenix, where the club was renamed the Coyotes. It was 31 years ago that the Atlanta Flames also headed north, settling in Calgary.

True North Sports and Entertainment announced the deal at Winnipeg’s MTS Centre, their 15,000 seat home arena. Winnipeg is Manitoba's largest city, and Manitoba is in Canada. The move comes a few weeks after the city of Glendale voted to subsidize the Phoenix Coyotes for another season while as the equally troubled team tries to secure new ownership. At that point True North turned its attention to the Thrashers.  While the few fans in Atlanta are suffering both Winnipeg residents and players are excited about the move.

"What I like about playing in Canada is the fans hold you accountable. They know when you’ve done something good and they give it to you when you've done something bad. You don’t want to get booed out of your building or have your own fans at the grocery store telling you how bad you played," said Rob Schremp. "I think the guys are real excited about it. It's a chance to play in Canada and there’s a lot of Canadian guys on the team." See, it was like, destiny or something.

The Thrashers made only one playoff appearance in 11 seasons and never won a postseason game. Their ownership was plagued by financial problems, and the team averaged less than 14,000 a game this season, rank 28th out of 30 teams. The deal is reportedly worth $170 million, including a $60 million relocation fee that would be split by the rest of the owners. League owners must give their approval, which should be a formality at their June 21st meeting.

Winnipeg's new team could reclaim the Jets nickname, though a decision has not been made. The Thrashers name was coined by former owner Ted Turner in reference to the state bird of Georgia, and is not part of the deal. Although he was keen on trying to send ex-wife Jane Fonda out of the country...

Bouncing Baby Boy

Didn't Jethro Tull Over Metallica Tip You Off?

A coalition of musicians is demanding the Recording Academy restore more than 30 categories cut from the Grammy Awards they felt were targeting ethnic music and done without the input of its members. I thought that was the whole reason they spun off the Latin Grammys.

A protest was held last Thursday outside an academy board meeting in Beverly Hills, where musicians toted signs, those who brought instruments turned the rally into a spontaneous jam session. Kinda hard to drive the protest point home if it makes you want to dance. It was last month that a decision was made to reduce the Grammy fields from 109 to 78.

Letters were delivered that day to the Recording Academy as well, with the support of musicians like Carlos Santana and Paul Simon (aka the guys who have done world music albums after their mainstream success). But Grammy President Neil Portnow said changes would stay in effect for the 2012 awards, and the effect of the changes would be reviewed before the 2013 awards.

He added, "In this year's awards, there were 34 mainstream categories. Next year, with the changed revision, there will be 20 mainstream categories. That's a significant reduction in mainstream areas. In non-mainstream categories...there were 71. In the upcoming awards, there will be 54." So percentage-wise, the mainstream categories were effected more.

I think it's great that there's a mini-civil ethno-war brewing over these categories, because the Grammys are are just worthless anyway. Best Latin Jazz record versus Best Vocal Performance, Male? Who gives a shit about all the backstroking. Any real musician makes their music for the love of the art, not because a bunch of other musicians who are not even in their genre or familiar with their work cast a vote for them. Nobody gets into music because they're looking to get a Grammy, and the complaint is just crushed egos. They can give out a mountain of awards to Lady Antebellum and Usher and it still won't convince me they're "best anything...other than marketed.

Career Screwicide

Fuck stars Porn performers in California could be required to use condoms in their sex scenes if a proposal from state workplace safety officials becomes part of state code. Sure, and why not ask chefs to cook without utensils...

Cal/OSHA officials have drafted a 17-page proposal containing graphic details of bodily fluids, waste matter and "other materials" that porn actors may encounter that can cause infection. Seventeen pages of nasty things that come out of a person? Sounds more like Penthouse Forum letter. A seven-member body will review the proposal after it is discussed at a public meeting next week.

The draft says porn producers must provide and require "use of condoms or other barrier protection to prevent genital and oral contact with the blood or (any other bodily fluids) of another person." It also specifies that condoms can't be reused, cannot be expired, or used with multiple partners. I get the multiple partners thing, but who the hell is putting a rubber back on after action instead of putting on a fresh one? They also say performers wouldn't be allowed to share razors under the rules (sorry, no more sexy shaving videos), and sex toys would have to be kept clean (sorry, no more filthy dildo videos).

These buzzkills would force producers to ensure that body areas contaminated with bodily fluids are cleaned between sexual acts with the same or different partners. Hey, seeing a sexy French maid outfit is one thing - but who wants to see them actually cleaning? Aside from providing medical services for all employees who have been "exposed to possibly infectious materials", showers would need to be provided to performers, and rules on how to handle laundry contaminated with human fluids would be established.

The proposed change in rules comes in response to a complaint filed in 2009 by the AIDS Healthcare Foundation, calling on the state to require condoms in porn. They claim that actors were in unsafe situations and they glamorized risky sex for audiences. What, there's never been a three-way not captured on film? And how did Wilt Chamberlain nail thousands of women without being in the adult industry? Were college girls wild only because of a couple of necklace beads? Let's let adults be adults and make their own adult decisions.

Chocolate Slut

For lovers of apple juice...

Shake, Rattle, And Jail

There's a few jobs that, if done wrong, can lead to the death of others: pilot, surgeon, policeman, nuclear plant safety manager. Oh, and let's add seismologist to that list.

In Italy, where poor decisions are not a surprise (see: Benedict, Pope) and misleading logic prevails (see: WWII / Mussolini), six seismologists and a government official are being charged with manslaughter case. Like you, I was completely unaware there were any places that had laws on the books making it a crime if you didn't alert the public ahead of time of the risk of an earthquake - it's kinda unknowable. The 2009 L'Aquila earthquake killed close to around 300 people.

The witch hunt came after those seismologists, all members of a committee tasked with determining the risk of an earthquake in the area of, "should've seen it coming", due to a swarm of earthquakes that occurred days before the big one struck. Of course, everywhere around the world places get swarms of earthquakes without a big shaker afterwards, with nothing to suggest a bigger one. Try telling that to the same country who demonized Galileo Galilei.

Others in the scientific community are shocked and offended that their colleagues are essentially being railroaded for not being psychic. "One problem is we don't know how much stress it takes to break a fault," said John Vidale, a Washington State seismologist. "Second we still don't know how much stress is down there. All we can do is measure how the ground is deforming. Not knowing either of these factors makes it pretty tough to figure out when stresses will get to the point of a rupture."

In order to attempt measurements of the actual stresses, researchers would need to drill miles beneath the surface (which is pretty difficult - this isn't The Core). They'd only be able to drill a couple places to put sensors along the fault, but the L'Aquila fault system is considered complex, with several so-called faults moving mostly vertically, instead of the horizontal strike-slip faults (like California's San Andreas), so those methods may not yield the intended results.

Clearly, the Italians don't full grasp the scope of science, or why there's "Act Of God" clauses in contracts, but maybe something good can come out of criminal charges for those who fail to be clairvoyant guess correctly. I'm all for the punishment of weathermen who couldn't call the afternoon's climate change to save their freedom, or locking up every designer who's stylistic abortions are too ugly to wear beyond the runway.

This Telescope, It Is Very Large

The Kush

The odd worlds of Vladimir Kush.

Chinese Farmer's Market Prison

How's this for a prison sentence - break rocks and dig trenches and kill night elves.

By day, inmates at the Jixi labor camp in China would do a surreal mix of backbreaking physical work and then play hours of online video games. Prison bosses made close to 300 prisoners play games in 12-hour shifts, and that was after a day of mining. Or carving chopsticks and toothpicks out of planks of wood. Or assembling car seat covers to be exported to Korea and Japan. And for some political prisoners, they also had to memorize communist literature.

To make sure they were making their virtual quotas, prisoners who fell behind had real punishment. "They would make me stand with my hands raised in the air and after I returned to my dormitory they would beat me with plastic pipes. We kept playing until we could barely see things," one ex-convict said.

Known as "gold farming", the practice of building up online credits through basic tasks in games such as World of Warcraft, is a highly lucrative trade, as gamers all over the world are willing to pay real money for those credits. The trading of virtual currencies has become rampant in China, and has become more difficult to regulate. The China Internet Center estimates nearly $1.2 billion in virtual currencies were traded in China in 2008.

It is estimated that 80% of all gold farmers are in China. The country is home to the largest internet population in the world, and it is estimated there are more than 100,000 full-time gold farmers.

Sounds rough, but since the article I read had no mention of shower rapes, gang wars, or rioting, Chinese prison still sounds better than San Quentin.

Talking At "The Harvard Of Harvard"

CEO Gaga?

If you're a savvy businessperson like me, you like your information and advice coming out of Germany. And grossly incorrect.

The article "Old CEOs Can Learn A Few New Tricks From Lady Gaga", painfully tries to convince us that the singer can "school corporations in strategic innovation", based on the observations of a German business researcher.

Martin Kupp, a professor (hopefully not tenured) at the European School of Management and Technology (Berlin) expects her album "Born This Way" to end up at the top of the music charts and generate strong sales and land atop the music charts, regardless of critical reception. Wow, bold prediction! His obvious premise is based on how consumers relate to her brand, but that's where any semblance of logic ends.

"Lady Gaga blurs the industry boundaries and it's not really clear if she's a musician, artist or fashion designer," said Kupp. Actually, it's absolutely clear - how the hell are you a professor and not be able to differentiate? She's a musician. Just like Britany Spears, Cher, and Jessica Simpson. And like them, she is marketing her brand, because being a popular pop singer is a licensing licence to print money. They're not making their fragrances or clothing - they just have final approval before their name goes on it. Of course that would go over the head of a guy who recently wrote a book on business lessons from artists like Madonna (aka, the original Lady Gaga) and Renaissance painter Titian.

"I think there may be people out there who associate her much more with fashion or with other sorts of entertainment than music," Krupp added. Think whatever you want, asshole, and be wrong while you're at it. Lady Gaga exists as a musician first and foremost, and the rest is just using her Q to bring attention to whatever she puts her weight behind. This is Branding 101, and something that's been going on since the first days of marketing and business.

So why does Kupp and colleagues think she's the new paradigm? They made a recent case study and point to the singer's "social media strategy" as a way for businesses "to learn new methods to shake up an established industry". Wait, using social media to contact your fans? Did she invent this technique? Nope. Can we at least pretend that using the latest technological / communication advertising trend is original? Fine - but only so we can continue this critique, because harnessing new media is as old as any company putting their website address on everything. I mean, as old as companies having websites on the internet. I mean, as old as product placement and brand management in film and television. I mean, as old as cable television advertising for companies. I mean, as old as corporate sponsorship of radio and TV programs. I mean, as old as billboards. I mean, as old as companies using print advertising in newspapers.

So, by using Facebook and Twitter, Lady Gaga has "developed" fans through virtual interaction and not by "pushing traditional marketing principles of promotion, product and price onto consumers", says Kupp. Sorry, that's totaly inaccurate. As a musical artist, all the fan club nonsense with autographed photos and special items goes back to the days of Elvis - and that's still promotion, and via virtual interaction. And the product, be it her albums or concerts or adult diapers is the only reason to reach out to the fan, lest you forget entertainment is a business too. He's also completely wrong about price as a factor - what other reason would demand for her new album disrupt Amazon.com servers if it wasn't a tied into a promotion for their cloud music service offering a special 99 cent price?

"Social media is not a one-way communication and I think Lady Gaga understands that," he adds. "It's more about emotions, engagement and interactivity, so she's very advanced." By the way, take a moment and learn about Advanced Genius Theory...Gaga, she's not advanced at all, and certainly no genius. And she's only the top of the Twit-heap by a less then impressive margin. Her 8,627,513 Twitter followers came over 36 months when she set up her account. For comparison, Justin Beiber racked up 7,942,954 in only 24 months. And Kim Kardashian, Ellen DeGeneres, Katy Perry, and Ashton Kutcher each have roughly 6.5 - 7 million followers too. Kupp needs to understand that Gaga didn't reinvent the wheel, let alone improve it.

He can argue that her use of social media was "to create much more intimacy than what you created with traditional marketing instruments", but that's ridiculous to say in the face of her massive beachhead of promotion for the album. Not only has Lady Gaga recently graces most major magazine covers (from Rolling Stone to Vogue), but she's appeared on every high profile show, from Oprah Winfrey to American Idol to Saturday Night Live, and debuted her own HBO concert special. Beyond the media blitz, non-traditional outlets, she's fucking everywhere:

• Starbucks is selling her album and launching a "digital scavenger hunt" for Gaga-inspired goods.

• Google Chrome had a commercial with Gaga featuring a track from the album.

• Internet clothing outlet Gilt Groupe is partnering to offer Gaga-inspired clothing and purchase of VIP performances.

• Best Buy is giving away the album free to anyone who purchases a mobile phone and signs up for a service contract.

• Zynga, creator of the popular online game FarmVille, has created GagaVille, which allows fans access to exclusive Gaga songs.

Yeah, that feels intimate.

Kupp believes that Lady Gaga's business strategy has been able to breathe life into an industry that has struggled to adapt its business model, but that's the same song and dance we've not only heard before about internet downloads and piracy and the different entertainment media facets, but also read before here again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.  Just picture my head banging against the wall rather than my fingers banging out words on the keyboard every time a moron like Kupp tries to spin that bullshit.

It's insulting to have people who are so clearly unaware of the things they're talking about act in any manner of authority on the subject. God bless Gaga for reinventing Madonna's shtick for a new generation and being successful at it, but comparing the stunts and direction of an entertainer to the methods of titans of business is pure ineptitude. Like Rupert Murdoch, Warren Buffet, Carlos Slim or Bill Gates needs to wear a meat dress or come out of an egg to promote their business. And you're even more sorely mistaken if you can't see the army of choreographers, producers, dancers, stylists, make-up artists, costumers, and designers that got into creating "Lady Gaga - the brand image", let alone the nameless, faceless lawyers, business managers, accountants, marketing execs, advertising personnel and other non-creative types that have to put the Gaga brand in play.

And to think that the days of Germans getting information all backwards and being misled were a thing of the past...

Comeuppance For Lax Parenting

How do you make up for poor parenting? Go for the fame and money!

Yesterday, the family of a toddler who died after plunging over 30 feet from a third level luxury box at Staples Center filed suit against the owners of the venue. Vultures Lawyers for the family of Lucas Tang allege that the barrier in front of the boxes was only 2 feet high and that ownership provided "no warnings of the dangerous condition, either by signs, oral statements by employees, or otherwise." Really? We need a warning that going over a barrier is dangerous? If that condition isn't visible to someone, how the hell are they going to see a sign warning them of the obvious?

They said the dangerous condition was "allowed to persist because the arena would make more money if fans had an unobstructed view of the game". Again, really? have they even seen how they're set up? Tell me how clear plexiglass that isn't even 30" high is obstructive. I watch hockey there more than 40 times a year behind eight foot tall sheets of the stuff with no issues. As you can see in the picture, each box has tiers of seats with safety glass embedded in concrete walls, which meet the city's building codes requiring guardrails to be at least 26 inches high in front of seats.

Moments before the fall, the Tang family was taking pictures in front of the plexiglass barrier that protects fans from the steep drop. And as the family was reviewing pictures on their digital camera, Lucas made his way over the barrier and plummeted nearly 30 feet, landing on a row of empty seats.  So, to recap, a kid fell over the legally installed and functional guard barriers and died while his family was not observing him. Are we done with this frivolous lawsuit? Can we move on to famewhoring?

Rogelio Baena, who up until last week thought he was the father of Mildred Baena's love child with Arnold Schwarzenegger, crawled out from under his rock to sun himself in the spotlight of Entertainment Tonight. And while it may be an exclusive, he'll surely be popping up on other media.

Baena said he will always regard the boy as his own, and would like to tell his son, "I am your father. That's all.". When asked how he felt once he heard the news that the Sperminator beat him to the egg, he said, "Angry! Very, very angry! Arnold Schwarzenegger, for me, was my hero. Now, I feel betrayed."

Yes, let's feel bad for papa, who split with his Baena two months after she gave birth to the boy. Very responsible of him! And the last time he spoke to his "son" was last year. Oh, and he does not know where the kid and his mom are now. Some fucking father figure this dirtbag has been. I see my dental hygienist more often than he saw that kid, and I'll bet anything she and I have a tighter bond than they do. This guy has nothing say about it, and the media are once again irresponsibly pouring fuel on a fire just to keep it burning.

I don't hate bastard children or dead ones, just the parents and families of them who try to prosper from their own poor decisions and behavior.

True Rapture

(here's background on the film , plus a clip of the sequel below)

Did I Say The End Of The World?

So, how do you top a Rapture that never comes? Plan another one!

Harold Camping, the California preacher who prophesied the end of the world, only to see it not happen as scheduled last weekend, tried to save face by revising his end of the world date to October 21 of this year.  Bold words from a guy who himself may not make it until then.

Predicting that 200 million Christians would be taken to heaven last Saturday before a series of catastrophe struck the planet, apologized for not having the dates "worked out as accurately as I could have."  Maybe he ought to also check his count of Christians - 200 million sounds like far too many religious fanatics.  This isn't Islam! (zing!)

Camping acknowledged was a very difficult weekend, but that was mostly due to a lack of prune juice and itchy feet, which he had difficulty reaching, and not just his stone cold wrongness.  We'll give him a mulligan for blowing it in 1994 with his first attempt at salvation, but this time, you get no redemption.  You see, May 21 was really a "spiritual" Judgment Day, but the main even comes before Halloween, so don't bother putting together a costume.

Having previously spent millions of dollars - some of it from donations made by followers, on more than 5,000 billboards and 20 RVs plastered with the Judgment Day message, this time around, they're not hyping the the next letdown.  Since God's judgment and salvation were completed on Saturday, Camping says there's no point in continuing to warn people about it, so his network will now just play Christian music and programs until the final end. Why?  You're telling me God's taking a little break now that he saved all those folks and needs until October before he can shoot them up heaven's chimney on his electric chariot?

I actually hope this asshole lives long enough to see his bullshit called again.

25K Macs

For nearly forty years, Don Gorske has been eating Big Macs a stomach churning pace. Today, he reached a new milestone -- finishing his 25,000th burger. In related news, he had his 25,000th bout of diarrhea.

"I plan on eating Big Macs until I die," the Wisconsin man said, not realizing how telling his words were. "I have no intentions of changing. It's my favorite food. Nothing has changed in 39 years. I look forward to it every day."

Gorske is 59, and claims good health and a low cholesterol level - he had a clean bill of health two months ago during his last physical, despite his minimal exercise. He averages two Big Macs a day, each with 540 calories and 29 grams of fat. It is the same amount of fat in large cheese pizza, and would take nine miles of walking to work off the calories.  His genetics are his saving grace, because anybody else would be dead after 2,500...

Super Real Brothers

Kodak Taser

The always awesome Instructibles takes you from parts to 300+ volts of fun is six easy steps!

All you need make this little baby is a used disposable camera (and kind will do), some wires, and a little electrical tape. A flat-head screw driver and something to strip the wires with, and you'll have your friends jumping with excitement!

PK United

"I’ve got an indoor soccer team in Division 11 (1 being best, 11 being worst… obviously) here in Dallas Texas and I would like to submit our team jerseys which I designed and made. The patches are embroidered and the lettering is authentic jersey vinyl on Adidas Predator blanks. While we only finished 3rd in our division, I like to think we looked good doing it. The team name is Portman Kunis United (aka The Scissors). It’s a tribute to Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman in the movie Black Swan, for their….. amazing acting. Notice the handcrafted numbering, custom with a swan on each number."

- team captain Mike Miller

The Kind Of DVD On Sale For $3.99

The Food Chain

UK artist Jamie McCartney spent five years making made casts of women aged 18 to 76, and presented their intimate parts in 30 foot long sculpture called The Great Wall Of Vagina. If you're at the Brighton Festival Fringe in May you can go face to face with this vagstrosity.

Prepare For 18 Years Of Anger From Your Kids

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon have both revealed the names for their twins, and that they're typical celebrity idiots - the names of their newborn boy and girl are Moroccan and Monroe.

Mr. and Mrs. Ridiculous chose to name their son Moroccan Scott Cannon after the Moroccan-inspired decor of the top tier of Carey's New York City apartment. The Moroccan Room is also where Cannon proposed. Because that sapped all their creativity, they ended up with Scott as the middle name since it's Cannon's middle name (as well as his grandmother's maiden name where that likely came from).  Their daughter Monroe Cannon gets her moniker from Marilyn Monroe, who has "inspired" Carey. How, no one can say. Unlike her brother, Monroe doesn't have a middle name because Carey doesn't have one either.

Hopefully, they will be sending the kids to some ultra-exclusive private school forever, because they are going to get picked on the minute they walk in the door, and mom and dad are going to have to answer for a lot of beating they'll suffer.

Land Of The Free And The Home Of The Strange

" [Stanley] explains “adult baby” role playing as a way of blowing off steam from a stressful day of work. Except that he doesn’t have a job. Neither does Sandra. They both receive Social Security disability benefits for unspecified reasons and use their free time to run an adult baby internet support group and building custom-made baby furniture that can support Stanley’s weight."

Less Is More

Minimal Movie Posters not only has some great designs, but many of them are available for purchse.

Nazicide In Riverside

The local papers say police are trying to make sense of the shooting death of a well-known white-supremacist leader, allegedly at the hands of his young son. But I'd say it's pretty clear - dad was a asshole racist, and that's reason enough to kill him.

Jeff Russell Hall (32) was Southwestern regional director of the Detroit-based National Socialist Movement when he wasn't a plumber in Riverside. Police found the badly injured Hall lying on a couch, who also died at the scene. After interviewing Hall's wife and five (!) children, police booked his ten-year-old son.

Aside from ruining the neighborhood with his Halloween parties, where he flew a swastika flag and guests wore KKK hoods, Hall recently failed to win a seat on his local water board. A rifle and handgun were recovered from the home, and it appeared Hall died of a single gunshot wound to the chest.

As for motive, looking into court records note an ugly divorce with ex-wife, Leticia Neal, where each accused the other of child abuse. Child Protective Services once removed the children from their mother's care and also reported her residence had no electricity or gas, maggots crawling on dishes, and curdled milk was in the babies' bottles. Yeah, sounds like a great family - a totally uninvolved mother and a Nazi father.

I've Got Battles In My Life

Great show yesterday at the Echoplex with Battles, even though it was a school night and the show started way later than it should have. As they are now a trio, they only played tunes from their new album, and though they had a fair amount of loops and trigger to pull it off, John Stanier is a monster on the drums and a pleasure to watch live. Plus, if it's good enough for Eric Wareheim (who stood in front of Rybot and I), then you should dig it too. Our buddy Darshun has a boot of the show he took himself if this clip is not enough to get you in the Battles mood.

Fifth Time's The Charm

Sometimes, when you suck at something, you should just stop.

Actor Lorenzo Lamas (53) wed girlfriend Shawna Craig (24) at the Casa Dorada Resort in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, where three decade age differences are a blessing! I'm sure her parents were proud.

Lamas proposed to Craig over dinner at Mr. Chow's in Beverly Hills in February after only three months of dating, which is how every girl hopes she'll have the question popped. Craig, who is a model, is just one year younger than Lamas' oldest daughter Shayne Lamas, one of six in Lorenzo's brood. Shayne is also married and pregnant with her first child, because there's no time to waste if you're a Lamas for squeezing out kids and running through nuptials.

Lorenzo was most recently married to former playmate and living sex doll current plastic surgery disaster Shauna Sand.

And if you're wondering how Lamas can afford a fleet of ex-wives and children, it's his non-stop acting. Sure he may have been on television with Falcon Crest and Renegade, but he's averaged two films a year for the past twenty years. Maybe you've seen or heard of some of these gems:

• the amazing trilogy of Snake Eater, Snake Eater II: The Drug Buster, and Snake Eater III: His Law

• a couple of films that sound so macho they're dangerously close to gay porn - Gladiator Cop, Midnight Man, Body Rock, and Rapid Exchange

• movies that clearly were made only to air on the Sci-Fi channel - Raptor Island, Succubus: Hell Bent, Dark Waters, and Sci-Fighter

• internationally bad films like Latin Dragon, Mexican Gold, and Chinaman's Chance

• and a few that just sound horrible by the title - The Circuit 2: The Final Punch, Motocross Kids, and CIA II: Target Alexa

And he's the only actor to have worked with Phyllis Diller and Gary Busey in the same film (not counting Cody the Chimp)!

Bumwalk Empire

If you're down on your luck in the nation's second-largest gambling market, you may have won...a free ticket out of town!

Reducing Atlantic City's 500 person homeless population is a key element of a new effort to help the town's struggling casino business rebound after nearly five years of decreases in  revenue and jobs. Atlantic City has lost nearly a third of its business since 2006, as Philadelphia, New York and Delaware have tried to compete more directly with new Jersey's casinos.  Close to $100,000 will go to a local homeless shelter in order to purchase bus or plane tickets back home for any homeless person who wants to leave town.  The Get The Fuck Out Of Town You Homeless Piece Of Shit Travelers Assistance Program has been around for years, but would greatly expand with the additional funding.  Those not "assisted" buy the program could be met with increased sweeps of the Boardwalk to move homeless squatters along.

More than half the city's homeless live at the Atlantic City Rescue Mission, while an additional 100 or so are on the streets or live under the Boardwalk.  Close to 100 live in other places like abandoned buildings.  The previous amount allocated to throwing the homeless out was $25,000 to $40,000 a year, which typically helped a few hundred people a year get back home. Now more than doubled by the casino authority, could it be that they could eliminate their homeless problem?

The program is strictly voluntary; no homeless person who wants to stay put will be forced to leave. And before anyone leaves, the ACRM will make sure there is someone back home who is willing to take them in.  Las Vegas runs two similar programs, also aimed at getting the homeless away from the casino zones and back to where they came from.  Has it helped their business?  Unlikely, but the logic by the state's casino authority is that less homeless will equal more casino revenue, and as long as they're the one's giving the money, they only need to justify that to themselves.  Even a local soup kitchen cook doesn't draw the parallel between the casino business and the homeless: "There are homeless in every city. You can't just put them on a bus, send them back home and forget about it. That's just moving people around, not solving the problem."  Well, the casinos want to bet you're wrong...