Taken 2 - An IOvUF Q & A Review

Over the weekend, Scarlett and I had dinner with her friends, and tried to figure out what to watch on PPV.  While I was pulling for Gangs Of New York (just to see the ridiculous Daniel Day-Lewis again),  we settled on the newly released Taken 2, which is topping the Netflix, Amazon, and Time Warner rentals...the people can't be wrong, right?  Spoilers and shit ahead, because we're reviewing this film...

So, what is Taken 2 about?

It's Liam Neeson, reprising his role as Bryan Mills, a former CIA badass, who has to rescue himself and his wife, who have been...taken!

Wait, he's taken?  Who do you rescue yourself from being taken?

Don't ask silly questions like that.  Somebody has to be taken in a movie called Taken 2.  Maybe they were being clever with the "2" as two people were taken.  But I doubt it.  There's a lot in the film that shows they were not showing much thought and depth, and certainly not expecting the audience have much intelligence.  More on that later.

Well, do I need to see Taken to follow Taken 2?

No.  That's the beauty of sequels with numbers in them.  They rehash the pertinent info and do not rely on you following a series.  Anybody feel like they couldn't follow Fast 5ive (or is it Fa5t Five?) having not seen any of the other films?  Have any of you seen all of them anyhow?

Okay, so tell me about Taken 2?

The film opens with a funeral service in Albania for a bunch of bodies, and he the main baddie, the Eastern European version of The Most Interesting Guy In The World, promises the get revenge for all the sons and brothers and cousins and grandchildren that Liam Neeson killed in the first film.

That's touching.

Sure, because we all feel that the villains who kidnap and human traffic and do all kinds of must still have mothers and fathers who love them.  Even though they are clearly shitty parents.  It's a decent idea to drive the plot, but I was distracted by the fact that everybody other than Most Interesting Guy look like generic E-Eurotrash.

Everybody is half tracksuit-wearing, swarthy, bearded and / or balding, and when there's going to be nameless and (mostly) faceless people getting killed, it's going to get confusing.  And there must have been a thin costume budget, because the guy who's wearing a wool-lined denim jacket and camo pants at the funeral, is still wearing it weeks later when he and the cronies are going up against Liam.

So how do they get taken?

Hold up, there's bunch of dreadfully slow-moving and unnecessary scenes to establish things for the first-timers.  Liam and is trying to help his daughter pass her driving test.  Liam's ex-wife is having marital troubles and is upset she and their daughter can not go on a trip together.  Liam tracks his daughter down at her new boyfriend's place, because he's got a "particular set of skills" and she's just trying to live a normal life.

There's about 15 minutes before they all get to Istanbul, and there's a lot of stuff that they put in for no reason, like the baddies interrogating the French policeman who knew Neeson from the first film.  Or a 30 second BBQ with Liam and his other ex-CIA buddies.  They want to establish things to reference later, which they don't need to.

Can we get to the takening?

Sure.  We're almost a third of the movie in and Liam and wifey Famke Janssen are taking a drive around Istanbul after daughter Kim wants them to rekindle their relationship (also hinted at unnecessarily by the CIA buds), and he notes they are being followed.

So they get taken?

Yes.

Not that easily, I hope?

No.  Liam gives us a car chase and some fisticuffs, but it's kinda tame, even when he's beating guys with a baton.  He runs a little slower than the first film, and the fights are not as, uh, lethal.  It sorely needs some neck snapping sounds or hard hits.  It just feels watered down.  Or maybe he has a new particular set of skills that are a touch softer.

What about their daughter? 

They try to take her, but she's able to elude capture.  Though if they did catch her, they'd probably let her go because she's so annoying.  Maggie Grace already looked like she was too old in the first film, and here she looks like she should have a kid that taking a driving test, not her.  And she never answers her damn phone (as unnecessarily established in an earlier scene).  But she finally does, and papa gives her instructions how to get away.

But wasn't he taken?

Um, yeah, but he had an iPod shuffle sized phone transmitter hidden in his sock.  Of course.  And she's one of the few numbers on the speed dial (along with his useless CIA buddies, who don't answer).

So it's a role reversal, where she saves the day?

Not quite.  He talks her through a crazy, elaborate plan to determine where he and Phoenix were taken, because even though he was taken, he was counting seconds that he traveled and whether or not he felt a specific turn in direction or heard sounds to identify where he went.

That doesn't sound so crazy.

Well, he has her throwing grenades off buildings and listening for the explosions to determine the time and distance from the sound traveling.  Oh, and she's running along rooftops and jumping across buildings while eluding baddies.  And she's able to find the exact place he they are being kept, and drop a gun down a vent so he can make an escape.

So, film over, right?

Nope.  Phoenix has been gashed in the throat and is slowly bleeding to death, and gets taken to another place, while Liam is saving his daughter from her pursuers and dispatching nameless baddies while trying to get to MIG.  And there's another big car chase, with Maggie Grace driving better than The Dukes Of Hazzard.

I guess she'll be able to pass that driving test when she takes it, eh?

Leave the jokes to me, alright?  It's punctuated with a scene that sum the movie up for me - doing unnecessary things.

When Liam has her drive them to the U.S. Embassy, but rather than pull up, makes her drive through the barricade and machine gun fire.  He makes a phone call to his CIA pals and tells them what he did so in order to make a call "so they don't get shot".  It allows for a not-touching moment of father and daughter to talk in a bullet riddled car, so he can find mama and "do what he does best".  Seriously, what the fuck.  That car would have been surrounded and fired on before he made any phone call.  It's like they made them do this stupid thing just to have a reason to include the CIA friends, who are unnecessary.

What happens next?

Liam retraces his steps and finds the MIG and his crew and his wife, killing his way through the fodder until it's just him and the lead henchman, who we are supposed to believe is a scary badass from his earlier interrogation scenes.

So they have an awesome fight!

Fight, yes.  Awesome, no.  This dude is like, a full foot shorter than Liam, and is kinda average.  Given the height and reach Liam advantage, we have to watch an unbelievable bout grappling in a bathhouse, that ends with Liam throwing him down, which breaks the guy's everything, and his finishing move is to cover the guy's face and close his eyes.  BECAUSE HE'S DEAD!  Very weak.

At least there's a big climax with MIG, right?

If you mean, that Liam uses the guy's phone to call MIG and find where he is in the bathhouse because it's ringing (apparently, nobody answers their phone in the movie), then yes.  The MIG is cowering in a corner, and Liam offers to let him live in order to stop the cycle of violence that would be created if he killed him, since Liam is as bored as we are and (in a very Roger Murtaugh-esque way) is "tired of it all".  So Liam, shows he'll willing to walk away from it and drops his gun, but the MIG picks it up and tries to shoot...but Liam has taken the remaining bullet out!

The MIG gets killed in a most unremarkable fashion by getting pushed against the wall.  He gets impaled on a clothes hanger or something that you see for a split second, but you can't really tell.  Yawn.

And he holds the wife safely, fade to black, roll credits...

Nope.  We get a few more satisfying minutes of Maggie Grace passing her driving test, and the whole family getting milkshakes at a generic restaurant at Any Pier, Los Angeles...with the boyfriend from the beginning showing up!

And thus the film is capped with more useless stuff, which continues the underwhelming end last half and basically sums up the movie.  Where Taken was an exciting film where you get to see Liam rack up a body count looking for his daughter, this sequel is unsatisfying, even on it's own, and definitely - like so much in the movie, unnecessary.

Red Letter Media vs. Prometheus

Complete spoilers ahead!


Also, Topless Robot has a great FAQ on the movie, which is also spoiler heavy.

Red Letter Media And The Crystal Skull

There is no better way to start the new year than with a new review from Mr Plinkett (who's already skewered the Star Wars prequels several times).

Part 1:

Part 2:

I've Got Battles In My Life

Great show yesterday at the Echoplex with Battles, even though it was a school night and the show started way later than it should have. As they are now a trio, they only played tunes from their new album, and though they had a fair amount of loops and trigger to pull it off, John Stanier is a monster on the drums and a pleasure to watch live. Plus, if it's good enough for Eric Wareheim (who stood in front of Rybot and I), then you should dig it too. Our buddy Darshun has a boot of the show he took himself if this clip is not enough to get you in the Battles mood.

The Long Awaited Third Part Of The Trilogy

Red Letter Media's seasonal greetings hinted at it, but quietly on New Years Eve, they put out the last installment of Mr. Plinkett's reviews on the new Star Wars prequels.  Here's the video card:

Episode III: Revenge Of The Sith reviews after the jump...

iPaintings

I find it fascinating to see what technology can add to an artist's skills, but in the case of David Hockney and his iPad, I'm happy to share the point of view that it's crap.

The English photographer and painter has slowly lost my interest, with these compositions being the low point. His past photo-collage work is simply stunning:

...but as a painter, he's slowly lost lost the magic in his pop art style:

50s

60s

70s

80s

90s

00s

Those last ones were from his iPad, part of a collection of over 300 in exhibition in Paris.  That is the benefit of fame - to get your computer doodles into shows based on your name.  That's the kind of average crap you're likely to see in a hipster coffee shop or student exhibition.

While the artist has been using technology to assist him for decades (including early graphics programs and "FAX art"), his embrace of the benefits outweigh their return: "The iPad's backlight lets you paint at any time of day, the app's color wheel provides every pigment, and its very nature renders set-up and clean-up obsolete".   That may be true, but the haste and options technology give should not be a reason to make inferior work.  Music recording may have gone digital, but the simplicity and growing toolbox only reduce the cost and time required to create - and not create less or poorly. Hockney admits the iPad allows him do most of his painting in bed, which is just fucking lazy, and starts to show the lack of dedication to the work.

Clearly, Hockney is was is a talented artist, but when I see lesser works and read that art critics are similarly unimpressed (and God knows I'm not looking for other opinions - let alone "critics" for validation), then perhaps there is some truth to the matter.

Outside The Wall, Or So Ya Thought Ya Might Like To Go To The Show

Scarlett used her mojo to get my non-industry ass into Roger Waters The Wall Live show tonight.


UPDATE: "Lights! Roll the sound effects! Action!"

It's hard to convey the Pink Floyd experience to those who didn't spend their formative years listening to them, or the importance of The Wall as a perfect piece of art and music. But for those who know and understand, I won't have to struggle to find descriptions because already you get it. And for the novices, watch the movie and listen to the album a few times so you can at least try to get on the same page.  Then you'll easily agree the genius of Alan Parker's film was to illustrate an epic soundtrack, and that you can not separate the images from the music after 30 years of the two being so expertly married.

Roger Waters has the benefit of multiple tours of The Wall - from the album supporting jaunt to the memorial performance in Berlin, and on solo outings through this presentation - but also technology that is capable of making the show less rock concert and more performance of art.  The strength of the show, if you had to pick just one thing (and exclude the top-line musicians and production value - both integral to the success), is that it is a start-to-finish multimedia presentation which preserves the iconic nature of the images, story and songs while making the themes relevant to the present day.  There's still the anti-government, anti-war, anti-authoritarian sentiment, but it's now our modern Middle Eastern wars, not WWII, and the shadow of techno-corporate empires instead of the capitalist imperialism of the 70s and 80s.

There's no wall (sorry) between Waters and the audience: he's fully aware he's putting on a show and is slipping into the Pink persona for the performance, which is wonderfully meta, as the autobiographical content was his costume when the album first came out.  He took a few moments in the show to address the crowd, and his jovial, thankful banter echoed the referential gestures to the audience he made during the songs.  Clearly, the demons in the music no longer haunt him, and he took satisfaction in being able to present the show, siding with the fans, as if to say, "We've both made it through the years and can really appreciate the effect of The Wall".

Rather than recap the show (which is detailed here), I'll just share some of the more truly amazing moments:

• The opening w/ In The Flesh - Not only one of my favorite songs on the album, but the pyrotechnics and explosions of the air battle were great.  Not to mention the airplane that came in the length of the arena to crash into the wall and explode.

• Giant Puppets! - They had the Schoolmaster, The Wife, and Mother, all making appearances during the show.

• Comfortably Numb - Even without David Gilmour to sing and play, they did a remarkable job. Hearing the song live nearly brought me to tears...just one of those moments that tapped the pent up well of emotions from years of being affected by that song.

• Using the wall - Besides the gradual building to visually relate the music was their brilliant use of it as a screen and interaction through it.  This ended the first half of the show...it's bittersweet and gorgeous by the time he finishes Goodbye Cruel World.

It was by far one of the best shows I've ever been to, and such a treat to see an artist make the most of their skills. There are few times I've seen such an immersing experience (Peter Gabriel's UP tour and U2's Zoo TV performance), and they are absolute gifts to the fans.

Star Trek - A Red Letter Media Review

So That's Why They Call Him Dangle

Funny or Die went meta and put together a tongue-in-cheek (and other places) review of Reno 911: A XXX Parody with Thomas Lennon and Ben Garant, creators of Reno 911. And they're thrilled to see an answer to the question, "I like this show, it's funny...when's a 10, 11 inch cock going to come out and pound somebody?" I've seen both, and these parody films are crossing into uncanny valley.

The Blogger site doesn't like the embed code so you have to follow the link, but it's got laughs and a half second of nipple...hooray!

It's Not Just Start Wars Films

Red Letter Media also watches non-sci-fi fanfare. And skewers them.

Old Vaginas Gone International

At the urging of Film Drunk, there's no mincing the beauty of Lindy West's review of the second (and hopefully final) installment of Sex And The City (I shudder at typing that). For most of us, this review will be infinitely more enjoyable than watching even a trailer for that film.

We've been thinking it for two long years. All of us. Gnawing our cheeks at night, clutching at sweaty sheets, our faces hollow and gray, our once-bright eyes dimmed by the pain of too many questions. Sometimes we cry out, en masse, to a faceless god and a cold, indifferent universe that holds its secrets close. What... rasps the death rattle of our collective sanity. What is the lubrication level of Samantha Jones's 52-year-old vagina? Has the change of life dulled its sparkle? Do its aged and withered depths finally chafe from the endless pounding, pounding, pounding—cruel phallic penance demanded by the emotionally barren sexual compulsive from which it hangs? If I do not receive an update on the deep, gray caverns of Jones, I shall surely die!

Please don't die. The answer is... fine. Samantha's vagina is doing fine. She rubs yams on it, okay? She takes 48 vagina vitamins a day. It accepts unlimited male penises with the greatest of ease. Now let us never speak of it again.

Sex and the City 2 makes Phyllis Schlafly look like Andrea Dworkin. Or that super-masculine version of Cynthia Nixon that Cynthia Nixon dates. Or, like, Ralph Nader (wait, bad example—Schlafly totally does look like Ralph Nader in a granny wig). SATC2 takes everything that I hold dear as a woman and as a human—working hard, contributing to society, not being an entitled cunt like it's my job—and rapes it to death with a stiletto that costs more than my car. It is 146 minutes long, which means that I entered the theater in the bloom of youth and emerged with a family of field mice living in my long, white mustache. This is an entirely inappropriate length for what is essentially a home video of gay men playing with giant Barbie dolls. But I digress. Let us start with the "plot."

Carrie Bradshaw: At the end of the first SATC movie (2008)—after eleventy decades of chasing his emotionally abusive jowls through the streets of Manhattan—Carrie finally marries Mr. Big, the man of her shallow, self-obsessed dreams. It has now been two years since their nuptials. Carrie already hates it. She hates that he sits on the couch. She hates that he eats noodles out of a take-out box. She hates that he wants to spend quality time with her in their incredibly expensive and gaudy apartment. She hates that he bought her an enormous television. When Big suggests that they spend a couple of days a week in separate apartments (they own TWO apartments, because life is hard!), Carrie screeches, "Is this because I'm a bitch wife who nags you?" Congratulations. You have answered your own question.

Miranda Redhairlawyerface: Miranda is a lawyer who has red hair. She also has a child. As a working woman, Miranda is forced to miss every single one of her child's incessant science fairs (as though children know anything of science!). Also, her lawyer boss is a cartoon dick. Miranda quits her job, and everyone is much happier. This is because women should not work. It is terrible for the children.

Charlotte Goldsteinjewyjewsomethingsomethingblatt: Life for Charlotte is unbelievably difficult. As a wealthy stay-at-home mom with two children and a live-in, full-time nanny, she sometimes has to bake cupcakes! Also, one time her little child got finger paint on a piece of vintage cloth. Therefore, Charlotte cannot stop crying. "How do the women without help do it?" Charlotte (crying) asks Miranda. "I have no fucking idea," Miranda replies. Then they toast their disgusting glasses of pink syrup. To "them." To the "women without help." "If I wasn't rich, I'd definitely just kill myself right away with a knife!" says everyone in this movie without having to actually say it. Clink!

Samantha Jones: I told you we are never to speak of this.

In order to escape their various imaginary problems, our intrepid foursome traipses off to dark, exotic Abu Dhabi ("I've always been fascinated by the Middle East—desert moons, Scheherazade, magic carpets!"). When they arrive, Carrie, because she is a professional writer, announces, "Oh, Toto—I don't think we're in Kansas anymore!" Each woman is immediately assigned an extra from Disney's Aladdin to spoon-feed her warm cinnamon milk in their $22,000-per-night hotel suite. Things seem to be going great. But very quickly, the SATC brain trust notices that it's not all swarthy man-slaves and flying carpets in Abu Dhabi! In fact, Abu Dhabi is crawling with Muslim women—and not one of them is dressed like a super-liberated diamond-encrusted fucking clown!!! Oppression! OPPRESSION!!!

This will not stand. Samantha, being the prostitute sexual revolutionary that she is, rages against the machine by publicly grabbing the engorged penis of a man she dubs "Lawrence of My-Labia." When the locals complain (having repeatedly asked Samantha to cover her nipples and mons pubis in the way of local custom), Samantha removes most of her clothes in the middle of the spice bazaar, throws condoms in the faces of the angry and bewildered crowd, and screams, "I AM A WOMAN! I HAVE SEX!" Thus, traditional Middle Eastern sexual mores are upended and sexism is stoned to death in the town square.

At sexism's funeral (which takes place in a mysterious, incense-shrouded chamber of international sisterhood), the women of Abu Dhabi remove their black robes and veils to reveal—this is not a joke—the same hideous, disposable, criminally expensive shreds of cloth and feathers that hang from Carrie et al.'s emaciated goblin shoulders. Muslim women: Under those craaaaaaay-zy robes, they're just as vapid and obsessed with physical beauty and meaningless material concerns as us! Feminism! Fuck yeah!

If this is what modern womanhood means, then just fucking veil me and sew up all my holes. Good night.

Review Of The Clones

Another biting review, from the genius who ripped The Phantom Menace and Avatar. (Part one is getting jacked with bullshit copyright claims, but the other eight parts are up. UPDATE: Part one is finally up!)

Dances With Wolves In Space Gets The Treatment

The Force Is Strong With This One

This will take over an hour, but it is absolutely brilliant and hilarious. Take the time to laugh as well as get serious film criticism of the most failed attempt to meet expectation - Star Wars: The Phantom Menace.

PWNED By An 89 Year Old

There were highs and lows at last night's performance by Ravi Shankar, and not just because our guts were full of tasty Palazzio pasta.

The show started off with the admission that Anoushka Shankar was ill and would not perform, which left her percussionist, flautist, and two tambura players to do a twenty minute number that was the first act before intermission. Not that the performance wasn't great - the call and response between flute and hand drum was a highlight, but it was a huge let down not to see half the featured attraction and to only get a brief performance before an unnecessary break. I was not the only one in the audience who was concerned of what would come.

By 8pm, the ensemble returned to the stage and Ravi Shankar was assisted out to the main center riser. Naturally, there were ovations and he bowed to audience in thanks. He was tiny and frail, and his assistant on the tambura set up his sitar and even helped him tune it. Shankar picked up a microphone and said with a raspy, soft voice "Welcome to Santa Barbara," which drew laughs, but also showed what a powerful and commanding presence he was, inviting us to his recital, not we receiving him. As he often does in his records and in concert he acted as teacher, explaining a little about the raga and counting for the particular piece about to be played. And then, mastery...

The first song was a slow, wistful tune that was like the Indian blues - lots of slow, sustained notes and string bends that he played unaccompanied. It was a warm up of sorts, and towards the end of the piece he started throwing some runs across the neck and getting into it. He must have been playing for close to 25 or 30 minutes. The next tune was shorter and had accompaniment by his tabla player Tanmoy Bose, but it was a much faster tempo and had more of the signature style of his upbeat compositions: sharp interplay with the tabla and few breaks in the winding melodies.

By the time Shankar and ensemble started the third song, they were ready to rock. He explained the 11-count of the raga, "4+4," and as if to remember what makes 11, "1 ½ + 1 ½", and then played perhaps the most fiery song of the evening. There was a lot of improvisation and space for Shankar to wail away on the sitar while passing the spotlight to the tabla and flute. Watching him play, with his skinny legs dangling off the platform instead of cross legged like the others made him look old and sickly, but watching his body and shoulders move as though he was wrestling the notes from his instrument, done with the youth and aggressiveness of an athlete. Observing his fingers plucking and sliding across the strings and frets was almost gentle, delicately and effortlessly playing with no signs of his age. Shankar would whip up a part and then point to Bose, challenging him to play the part back like a Yoda-esque version of James Brown conducting his musicians. You could see the joy they had playing together and hear it in the music.

The last song was about the same length as the second, and had more room for his side players to trade parts, to which Shankar played rhythmically in the back as the other instruments took lead, eventually reemerging at the front of the song and guiding the performance to a close. He bowed and thanked the audience three times, but what said the most about watching him graciously leave the stage under applause was him brushing away several of the other musicians who had come to his side to assist him off. After the 90 minutes he had played, he was fired up and could have floated off the stage. That vitality and intense energy that he'd coaxed from his sitar was rejuvenating, and quite a feat for the old master. What the first "half" of the program lacked, Ravi Shankar more than compensated for in the second. Quite masterful in a word.

9

Last night Scartoe got me into a preview of 9, which opens today. Above is the short which inspired the film, and here you can see the official trailer, but beyond those, I don't know that it's worth more of your time. SPOILER ALERT? Sure...

The film itself is a scant 79 minutes, but it seems longer due to the repetition of the we've-got-to-rescue-so-and-so / we've-got-to-run-away-from-such-and-such-monster storyline. I didn't dislike the movie, but I don't know that I cared for it much. Why? Because I don't think the movie knows what it wants to be.

The animation is well done, but is this for kids or for adults? The characters are kinda cartoon-y and cute, except for the antagonists that are fairly gritty and grim. The story is simple enough for kids but it is a pretty dark film, visually and in the tone. How many children's movies are set in the apocalypse? It tries to stand amidst all of those to find a happy medium, and that was the wrong way to go. Either lighten up a little and make it for families or make it dark and innovative (a la Chet Zar, Cam De Leon, The Brothers Quay) so it is purely adult - but not committing either way makes it feel incomplete.

The threadpunk style was cool, but it seems like it would have made a better video game, given the storyline and the quest-like nature of the plot. That would have made it more of a standout from it's peers than it will in the theater. And with properties being converted and mixed across media platforms, I wouldn't be surprised if the design and art direction came from non-film origins.

If The Nightmare Before Christmas and Hot Topic is your level of gothic darkness, you may like this film, but those of you looking for more should hope to find a friend with a free pass to a showing...

And in deference to the date and the re-release of their catalog, here's a different "9" for you.

Revolution #9 backmasking, reversed

Live Blog 2: Michael Bay's CGI Robots

And we're back, as promised, with a sequel to the original live blog (yes, posts get return treatment, too). As we all know, this new assjam of special effects, questionable plot elements, and illogical actions is just plain awful - and is still going to make a billion dollars. But let's just let the movie speak for itself in terms of how terrible it is.

00:55 - "Our worlds have met before", says Truckimus Prime, and we are treated to 'primitive' men (with modern touches like those absurdly large ear plugs) getting their assed handed to them by bad guy robots building a giant metal contraption almost 20,000 years ago. Funny, I don't recall archaeologists finding any remnants of that...ever.

02:24 - More exposition, explaining what we're watching - the humans U.S. Army and the Autobots formed a secret strike force to hunt and kill hidden Decepticons. Next stop - Shanghai!

02:46 - G.I. Joe says pretty much the same thing as the voiceover. Redundant? No, you're just a typical Michael Bay audience member who is too stupid to catch things when they're told to you the first time. The opening strains of a Linkin Park song play...maybe that'll help the mouthbreathers pay more attention.

03:34 - GMC ad placement.

04:16 - Hey! Hard Black Man is back too! And now we begin the confusion! And explosions!

04:47 - "Requesting fire mission, now!" That's military speak for...I don't know it's a bunch of made up bullshit.

05:31 - A second Decepticon is on the run, trying not to be brutally murdered by the Autobots for hiding and minding their own business, and they all crash through a building. Look, and old man eating noodles and a strummed guzheng! This wasn't filmed in Long Beach - we are in China!

06:56 - Truckimus Prime gets parachuted in to help. Instead of just showing up with the other seven Autobots that were there.

08:01 - Transformers...robot executioners with gunshots to the head, in disguise!

08:23 - Youngblood goes to college! And mom's off her lithium. A real tour de farce of acting.

09:40 - Dogs humping. Bay really knows how to balance out the action and comedy elements.

10:05 - Hottie returns as well! And the most improbable angle to airbrush a motorcycle - laying on it with your ass sticking up. First Green Day song of the film playing too. Megan Fox ass + dull pop punk music = movie for 14 year old boys! A.K.A. half this movie's demographic.

11:56 - Youngblood finds a shard of the Allspark in his old hoodie. Besides zapping him so he sees Wingdings font, it burns a hole through his floor and ends up making everyday appliances turn into transforming robots. Of course.

12:15 - Cut to: dogs humping, outside. And now cut back to stupid looking mini-appliance robots.
14:44 - Thanks to the government, all the house damage from that robot fight will be taken care of...as long as they stay quiet about the secret robot aliens! Thanks for reminding us that it's national security *wink wink*.

15:25 - Youndblood tells his retarded carbot Mumblebee he can't come with to college, while Hottie peels off her biker leathers to change into a white dress and gathers a bouquet of flowers. For no reason.

16:22 - State Farm ad placement. In a line of dialogue no less. Fuck, that's brazen.

18:44 - The Minstrel Twins, Heckle And Jeckle, upgrade to...Chevy concept cars. Are they saying that blacks are being courted to buy fluorescent pink and green cars, or that they have no taste in vehicles?

20:03 - A Decepticon tentacle rapes a satellite, and like me also has to observe four minutes of clunky conversation as Jerk Bureaucrat questions everything and gives away top secret info for the sake of creating more scenes for robots to blow shit up. C'mon, somebody had to discuss that stuff...it's not like super alien machines would also have the technology to hack government databases or find out that info any other way.

24:45 - Another Green Day song, so you can buy the soundtrack!

26.00 - Youngblood meets his roommate, the already annoying, just-Hispanic-enough-to-woo-another-market-demo-yet-not-scary techie nerd. Ladies and gents, enter Az-Tech. And he has a conspiracy website about...wait for it...giant alien robots! You don't say!?! How are they gonna work that out?

27:57 - Mom is eating pot brownies that she bought on campus. Even if this was UC Santa Cruz, I wouldn't believe it. Let's spend a few minutes watching her ramble in a drug-induced frenzy and have everybody chase her.

30:18 - A robot-cat shot to Earth from space drops off thousands of marble sized Transformers into the high security base where they're keeping another piece of Allspark. It's a highly complicated but they make it work.

32:29 - Since when did frat parties get lighting rigs big enough to be a rap video?

32:55 - More fucking Green Day.

34:29 - Mumblebee shows up, and the Shifty Ho from the dorms tries to get a piece of Youngblood. Good thing his car has an anti-skank device built in. Also, the first amusing thing in the movie:

Frat Douche #1: Yo, freshman...is that your car in our bushes?

Youngblood: "No it's a frend of mine's...he just went to get you a tighter shirt."

Frat Douche #2 "There isn't a tighter shirt. We checked."

37:44 - Youngblood disses Truckimus Prime, who needs him "more than you know". Sorry, but the boy wants to get his college on, not get faggy with a bunch of intergalactic robots.

38:18 - Volvo ad placement. And a whole bunch of construction vehicles transform and jump off a cargo ship to recover the corpse of Megatron. No, of course nobody saw them do it. And don't ask why they dropped his corpse at the bottom of the ocean istead of dismantle and study him. The government would never do that.

41:22 - Resurected Megatron flies back to Cybertron, which looks like a leftover from The Matrix, so talk to his boss The Fallen. The production design on this movie blows. At least we're treated to more exposition to advance the story about things we know. And get unexplaned nuggets from The Fallen like "only a Prime can defeat me". Why? Because he says so.

43:35 - So Dwight teaches Astronomy 101 when he's not at The Office?

46:29 - The evil R/C truck, which is basically Joe Pescibot, tries to get the Allspark sliver that Hottie was holding for Youngblood, who is now seeing Wingdings everywhere. Um, they already got one of those for Megatron...guess you didn't read your Decepti-email.

47:54 - Southwest Airlines ad placement.

50:11 - Youngblood finds out Shifty Ho has a cyber-tail that comes out her panties. And a cyber-lasso tongue. Most times, you create a slutty robot to attend college classes and stick her in the same dorm and don't really know what will become of it. Kudos to the bad guys for having such an elaborate plan, and actually getting to use it. And kudos to the script supervisor and costume department for Az-Tech mainfesting a hoodie after showing up to his room without one...or never going inside to get it.

51:55 - Az-Tech, Youngblood, and Hottie run and hide from Shifty Robo-Ho in the campus library, which disorients the audience more. Anyone voluntarily seeing this movie has not been in a room full of books before. At least Michael Bay makes Youngblood do his impression of Bad Boys II Martin Laurence to Hottie's Will Smith. I know he does the same shit in every film (360 degree circular shots, helicopters at sunset, gratuitous slo-motion scenes of soldiers), but now he's even reusing characters?

54:47 - The car Az-Tech, Youngblood, and Hottie were in was just:

1) picked up by a helicopter

2) flown to an abandoned warehouse where it was dropped through the roof

3) crashed front end first into the concrete below, and rolled upside down

4) cut in half with a giant spinning saw blade

Don't worry, everybody's okay.

56:20 - More stupid critter-bots, including one that plays doctor and talks like Col. Clink, rip off The Matrix with inner body probing, and lets us know the Wingdings in Youndblood's head can lead to an energon source.

57:20 - Robots fighting in a warehouse. Nothing like five-story machines effortlessly doing front and back flips while shooting at each other. And orchestral Linkin Park!

58:46 - Robots fighting in a forest. Just because it's outdoors doesn't make it any less confusing. Like how a tractor trailer truck and all the bad guys can get there, but none of the other good robots can...

1:00:26 - Michael Bay to his critics via Truckimus Prime: "I'll take you all on!" He is impervious to anyone telling him how shitty his films are.

1:01:00 - Truckimus Prime rips a Decepticons face in half. He really like killing his enemies in the face. Little does he know he'll die in a minute.

1:04:43 - Time for some French stereotypes...a mime and escargot. Thanks for letting us know how Youngblood's parent's vacation in Paris was going.

1:05:12 - Shit crashes to Earth from outer space. Aircraft carriers and cites go boom. The Fallen broadcasts from a super power source antenna on the top of a building in New York (that I'm sure is really there too) a threat to destroy the planet if they don't turn over Youngblood. And the things the media say are as insultingly dumb as they are quixotic:

• "The military has just told us they have assumed Condition Delta, which is the highest level we have been at since 9/11" - which is what?

• "President Obama is being flown to a bunker somewhere in the middle of the United States" - sure, broadcast that.

• "the worst simultaneous attacks ever around the globe" yet they only have "worldwide casualties in the neighborhood of 7000." Really unimpressive too if that include the 5,700 or so member crew (yes, that's how many people are on them - I checked) of the carrier that went "down off the east coast - all hands lost". Assholes, look up some facts and think before you write this awful nonsense...

Big plugs for CNN, too.

1:09:00 - A moment with the Minstrel Twins, complete with gold buck tooth, cap-poppin' slang racist stereotypes and Az-Tech, competing to be the character you hope dies soonest.

1:09:43 - We all laughed in the theater when the helicopter carrying Truckimus Prime's body dropped him from 30 feet up onto the army base tarmac. It's still unintentionally funny now. Or Bay really is a genius.

1:10:25 - Jerk Bureaucrat is gonna shut down the Autobot-Army special team? Who didn't see that coming? "This is our war now, and we will win it like we always have...with a coordinated military strategy." America, fuck yeah!

01:11:07 - Some English guy gets his one line for the film. Understand they went through a casting process, fitted some guy for wardrobe, and had to set up camera and lighting for this one shot for his one line. Matthew Marsden, this is your big moment! Revel in so much ado about nothing.

01:11:27 - "I really don't like that dude. He's an asshole." Hard Black Man, it's like you're reading my mind, about every character and performance in this film. Including yours.

01:13:18 - No Youngblood, don't give yourself up to The Fallen over guilt that Truckimus Prime is dead. Ask the Minstrel Twins to decypher the Wingdings, unless...they're illiterate? Wow, why did they stop short and not say how much they liked grape soda and fried chicken? At least they're going to find somebody who can read the glyphs.

01:13:50 - Yes! More Linkin Park!

01:15:04 - And the guy who'll crack the Cybertronian symbols is...John Turturro? I guess his contract explicitly states he will not appear in the first hour of this film either. From Barton Fink to this...sad.

01:16:20 - Doesn't every meat locket have a secret trap door that leads to an underground vault with truckloads of stolen government files and property? No, well then you really won't believe that even in 2009, nobody has figured out that there's a bunch of Wingdings on ancient structures around the world.

01:19:01 - Joe Pescibot knows where a bunch of old transformers are who can read Wingdings. Hooray!

01:20:49 - Az-Tech tazers himself. Because there had to be some way to fuck up the simplistic task of taking out the only two guards at the Smithsonian. Good thing there's no security cameras there, or it would be a lot harder!

01:21:25 - Air France ad placement.

01:22:14 - Youngblood uses his shard of Allspark to reanimate a stealth bomber that is a cane-using Old English Decepticon, so it can get the Wingdings translated to find the energon that - wait, why didn't they just use it to bring Truckimus Prime back and ask him?

01:23:09 - I don't remember there being a giant aircraft graveyard behind the Smithsonian. Must be the other Smithsonian not in Washington D.C.

01:24:11 - Joe Pescibot humping Hottie's leg. And there's still an hour left.

01:24:50 - Old English farts explosions. And parachutes.

01:25:49 - And can teleport. To Egypt. "Begining, middle, end. Facts, details...condensed. Plot...tell it." That's what I was thinking, and a character just demanded it. If one of them says, "This movie sucks," next, I'm going to get freaked out.

01:27:50 - Proof that you can't give some rambling exposition after 90 minute of film and hope to make any sense of it:

So there was a great battle millenia ago, that conveniently, left no traces behind for humans to find, over the retardedly named Matrix Of Leadership (huh?), which is the key to turn on a hidden machine that harvests energon was built. The machine works by blowing up the sun, and The Fallen was the black sheep of the Primes who wanted to turn it on, which goes against the Prime's golden rule. The remaining Prime family hid the Matrix Of Stupidity Leadership by making a tomb...WITH THEIR OWN BODIES! Smart thinking.

Or not. The alien robots, in order to protect Earth, hid the Matrix on the planet...yep, sounds better than, say, anywhere else in galaxy! At least they pointlessly made a tomb of their own bodies rather than stay alive to protect the Matrix. that's far easier than just killing the Fallen. Besides, it's not like they need energon to survive and the Matrix was the key to power the machines. Oh wait, they do. No wonder the Decepticons are so pissed.

01:29:09 - So now, they're all gonna find the machine and the Matrix to possibly resurect Truckimus Prime so he can defeat The Fallen. Good plan. Now just call the military and get them to fly over Trucky's corpse.

01:36:21 - From Egypt to Jordan, and we're still looking for the secret hiding place of the Matrix. Yawn. I will also point out nothing has exploded in at least 10 minutes.

01:38:05 - Oh, how rich. G.I. Joe tricked Jerk Buereucrat to parachute out of their plane. Problem solved!

01:40:15 - Thanks to the Minstrel Twins grab-assing, they find the anti-clamactic tomb of Primes and the Matrix, which instantly turns to dust. Hmmm. Well, gather that Matrix dust so you can sprinkle it on Truckimus. He's just four clicks away with G.I. Joe and the rest of the co-op stike team. Follow the flare they shot. you too, Decepticons.

01:45:09 - Az-Tech gets tazered again for being a loud, whining bitch. I'd watch two hour of him getting stunned no problem.

01:46:38 - An EMP burst is fired on G.I. Joe and crew. Neither the Decepticon nor any of the other robots within the four kilometers are effected. Must be one of those radio-only EMPs.

01:48:09 - Satellites are knocked out too. All the robots are still fine.

01:50:06 - "This ain't good." I know Hard Black Man. We all know. Thus begins a half hour of impossible chaos and fighting between robots and people and other robots.

01:54:59 - What could be up to 17 different construction vehicles have turned into a giant sand-sifting machine, trying to suck The Minstrel Twins, Az-Tech, and John Turturro into it.

01:57:25 - Youngblood's parents also arrive for the fracas. Just because you and your evil robots know where Youngblood is doesn't mean you should abandon your plan to kidnap his parents into getting him to drawing him out...from where you know he is.

01:59:19 - Mumblebee kills the robot-cat by pulling it's spine out, tail first.

02:01:27 - The Jordanian Air Force, what little they had, get's hosed. Sorry, Omar, the only heroes in this movie are are robots and Americans!

02:02:07 - "Commence Operation:Firestorm! This is Warlord: Roll in strike package Alpha! Task Force Ripper, execute launching!"

02:03:16 - The Constructoclusterfuckbot is scaling a pyramid. Only John Turturro can keep it from turning on the machine and destroying the planet, because he just said so. Out loud to himself. What's it going to do, hotwire it without the Matrix?

02:03:29 - Improving on calling G.I. Joe on his cell phone from a desert pay phone, Turturro uses a walkie talkie to contact a naval aircraft carrier miles away. Really.

02:05:00 - Who is "clear to drop a 2000 ton" what? Even with your quick cuts and sound effects over the dialogue, I can still hear your silly, impossible bullshit.

02:06:05 - Hottie has been running through explosions, climbing over debris, and rolling around in the sand. Yet her white pants are still nice and clean.

02:07:56 - Old English shows up! And a tunneling robot from the first movie!

02:08:28 - Constructoclusterfuckbot has two giant wrecking balls as balls. Turturro sums up the whole movie "I am standing directly beneath the enemy's scrotum."

02:08:57 - They use a secret, classified railgun on a naval ship to destroy the Constructoclusterfuckbot. Nice shot.

02:10:44 - Oops, they killed Youngblood. And he goes to...robot heaven? This is the last fucking straw Orci & Kurtzman, you goddamn hack writers.

02:13:43 - Resurected Youngblood uses the magically reformed Matrix to resurect Truckimus Prime. And then The Fallen takes it out of him 39 seconds later. Now Prime is immobilized and dead again.

02:15:15 - The Fallen has the power of the Force and can make everything levitate with a wave of his staff.

02:16:06 - Old English gives Truckimus his robot heart and parts to become some dumb looking hybrid. Enter Truckimus Jet!

02:16:44 - Truckimus Jet just destroyed the machine with one shot and tackled The Fallen off the pyramid. And shot Megatron in the face. What is it with the face?

02:20:09 - The good guys win. Everybody is okay. Cue the Linkin Park...


Confusing and hard to follow? You bet! Here's Rob at Topless Robot with an attempt to clarify...

So it's not as bad as shitting your pants?
Marginally. I honestly had to make a pro and con list to figure it out.

Why on earth would anyone make a film about giant robots but have myriad scenes of some random douchebag's first day of college?
I don't have the faintest clue.

Could there have been more trite, less inspired song for Mumblebee to play when Youngblood says he's going to college than The Pointer Sisters' "I'm So Excited"?
No. No there couldn't.

Why can't Mumblebee talk, but the other Autobots can?
Because Mumblebee is retarded, but in a Sling Blade kind of a way. This explains how he kills the living fuck out of a Decepticon later.

Why does Youngblood's mom buy and consume a pot brownie?
Well, she was in a coma for the last 30+ years, which explains how she had never heard of marijuana, and why she didn't understand the consequences of eating it even after her husband specifically told her it was a pot brownie (their son was unfortunately conceived and born during this period). A better question is why any college student in America would be selling pot brownies at an on-campus bake sale, let alone to a middle-aged woman.

A lot was made of how Youngblood's real life hand injury was written into the film. How was this done?
Well, sometimes he had a huge bandage on his hand, and sometimes he didn't.

That doesn't sound "written in" at all.
Well, no actual words are used to explain it. It might be more accurate to say it "shows up sometimes."

Why would a robot need to fart, pee, or vomit? And why would it need testicles?
Michael Bay does not understand what a robot is.

What is the point of the character of Youngblood's college roommate Az-Tech, and why the fuck does he stay for the entirety of the movie?
I have no clue. He's not comedy relief, because that's covered by 90% of the Transformers themselves. He technically leads the Youngblood to John Turturro, but surely there could have been another way to do that. Besides, Turturro just leads them to Old English anyways. It's all extraneous.

Why can only a Prime kill the Fallen? Why can Jetfire teleport? Why can the Fallen wave a staff and make shit fly around? Why do actual cars and Autobots get sucked into Constructoclusterfuckbot's maw, but John Turturro and that other kid can run around?
Because... because FUCK YOU, that's why.

Can you explain Hottie's appeal?
Yes. She looks like a porn star and has the same acting talent as one, yet for some reason she makes mainstream movies. This tonal disconnect is what's so appealing about her.

If you had to pick a single scene that exemplifies Michael Bay's utter disdain for story and continuity, what would it be?
When FIVE Decepticons sink to the bottom of the ocean to retrieve Megatron's corpse. A submarine tracks FIVE "subjects" going down, and when they get there, ONE of the Decepticons is killed to give parts to Megatron. 5-1+1=5, right? No, because the sub somehow tracks "SIX" subjects coming up. Not only is this very basic math, this is the simplest of script errors. It could not possibly have been more than one page apart in the script. And yet Michael Bay either didn't care to notice or didn't give a fuck. "Math? Math is for pussies. My movies are about shit blowing up, man."

His review is here, and it is worth reading.