Fetal Corpse Syndrome

Last week, I put on my floaties and waded out into the deep end of the Lake of Fire to show anything but sympathy for the dead baby of The Duggars, and now I think I'm justified in my contempt for that family.

Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar made a spectacle of their dead baby at a memorial service, which was in conjunction with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, a "non-profit organization that helps families deal with the miscarriage and loss of their babies" - by taking photos of their dead babies.

Shockingly, pictures of Jubilee Shalom Duggar that were supposed to be taken for the family to keep and use at the memorial service somehow "got released" without the Duggars consent.  Sure they did.  And maybe they shouldn't distributed them to the hundreds of people attending the memorial in Springdale, Arkansas.  Or pose for publicity photos like the one above.

If you want to see tiny dead hands and feet being held, you can check out this link.

Breaking News From The Department Of Obvious Studies

On the heels of such breakthrough research as the "Water Is Wet" papers and the universally regarded "Food Satisfies Hunger" theory, a recent study by Texas researchers seems to have proved that men who wear expensive clothes and drive flashy cars are more successful at having flings and staying single than their counterparts. Everything really is big in Texas, including the waste of time and money.

Their survey of nearly 1,000 men and women, they looked for "signals" sent by conspicuous consumption and how it is viewed by the opposite sex. C'mon, everybody knows that splashy spending is a signal to women that they want a to get some - the human equivalent of peacock plumage is a canary yellow Ferrari (the only reason for that nasty color is to say "look at me").

"Basically, they're just trying to convince a female that, 'Hey, if all you're looking for is genes, I have the best genes, so you should choose me,'" said marketing professor Dr. Jill Sundie. Yes, women know that the fat, ugly, middle aged guy in a sports car has the best genes. She continued, "Women seem to understand that when they see a man who has chosen to spend money conspicuously, they think he would be more interesting as a date." Or a source of income.

I'm looking forward to their next project - a study linking bitchy, ugly women with loneliness.

An Apartment Complex Runs Through It

Irvine's Wild Rivers water park will close at the end of the summer, to be replaced with an exciting new apartment development! Just what Irvine needs!

The area was rezoned for residential use in 2006, and the Irvine Co. (the developing firm that basically runs the city) chose to exit their lease agreement with the park the following year. In the subsequent years, the water park was allowed to remain open while looking to secure a relocation site, but there was nothing suitable in Orange County.

In addition to the shuttering of the 26-year-old waterpark, nearby Camp James (a children's summer day camp for children) will close as of October 2. Close to 1,700 apartments will eventually go up on the same site, providing families and children countless hours of fun. The waterpark's 1,200 seasonal employees, half of whom are local youths, will be offered jobs if a new location is still able to be found. Otherwise, they're welcome to get their hard hats and make a career change - I hear the construction sector is about to boom!

This is a smart move for the town, which can move one step farther from it's identity as a fun loving and free-spirited city, and finally gain credibility as a serious, office-park style community.

iPaintings

I find it fascinating to see what technology can add to an artist's skills, but in the case of David Hockney and his iPad, I'm happy to share the point of view that it's crap.

The English photographer and painter has slowly lost my interest, with these compositions being the low point. His past photo-collage work is simply stunning:

...but as a painter, he's slowly lost lost the magic in his pop art style:

50s

60s

70s

80s

90s

00s

Those last ones were from his iPad, part of a collection of over 300 in exhibition in Paris.  That is the benefit of fame - to get your computer doodles into shows based on your name.  That's the kind of average crap you're likely to see in a hipster coffee shop or student exhibition.

While the artist has been using technology to assist him for decades (including early graphics programs and "FAX art"), his embrace of the benefits outweigh their return: "The iPad's backlight lets you paint at any time of day, the app's color wheel provides every pigment, and its very nature renders set-up and clean-up obsolete".   That may be true, but the haste and options technology give should not be a reason to make inferior work.  Music recording may have gone digital, but the simplicity and growing toolbox only reduce the cost and time required to create - and not create less or poorly. Hockney admits the iPad allows him do most of his painting in bed, which is just fucking lazy, and starts to show the lack of dedication to the work.

Clearly, Hockney is was is a talented artist, but when I see lesser works and read that art critics are similarly unimpressed (and God knows I'm not looking for other opinions - let alone "critics" for validation), then perhaps there is some truth to the matter.

All You Need Is *Yawn*

The Beatles are finally coming to iTunes! Who cares!

In one of their trademark "big deal" announcements, Apple said they would finally start selling music from the biggest band in history. The Beatles had been the most prominent holdout from iTunes (and other online music services), and the legal bad blood between the two giants didn't help. Apple Corps, the Beatles management company had previously battled the computer company in a trademark dispute, which was resolved in 2007 and makes their announcement three years past relevant.  But hey, that money for doing a Rock Band version wasn't going to last forever...

Apple will sell 13 remastered Beatles studio albums, the two-volume "Past Masters" set and the classic "Red" and "Blue" collections. People Suckers can buy individual songs for $1.29 apiece or download entire albums, at $12.99 for a single album and $19.99 for a double (those Red / Blue collections, The White Album, etc..).  For $149, they're also shilling a "special digital box set" that includes a download of the 41-minute movie of the Beatles first U.S. concert, Live at the Washington Coliseum, 1964.

I'm just going to point out the far lower pricing that you can find on Amazon in case you didn't want to pay more for those same albums.  That is, if you didn't already own them on disc, and haven't already ripped it to upload it into your iTunes already.  Because that would take the less time than buying it for download on iTunes.  Maybe it's good news to the six people who use iTunes but are inexplicably not tech-savvy enough to rip a disc or download the albums elsewhere, but what's the big deal for anyone else?

And in somewhat unrelated news, a dedication of "When I'm Sixty-Four" to Famous Dad on his birthday...

Not So Fab Four

The Glee cast has surpassed the Beatles for the most appearances on the Billboard Hot 100 chart by a non-solo act. Finally, a real musical legacy has been established!

The cast of the series added six debuts to the chart this week, making a total of 75 songs on the chart to the Beatles' 71.  The show's soundtrack got a boost after this week's episode featuring the music of Britney Spears. Elvis Presley still leads overall with 108 songs, followed by James Brown with 91, and then Glee. The Beatles are now sixth, behind Ray Charles and Aretha Franklin. Songs from Elton John, Lil Wayne, Stevie Wonder and Jay-Z round out the Top 10.

Warming Glow nailed it with both their photoshop and commentary:

Just pay attention to the eye-catching headline, people. No need for context.

So there you have it: irrefutable evidence that a television show that makes covers of hit songs is more influential and successful than the band that defined a generation and changed rock and roll. Again, there’s no need to give this any kind of analysis or critical thought. “Glee’s” bigger than the Beatles. End of discussion. Move along now.

Amen.

Weezer Sucks

There's a growing opinion that Weezer has not been able to replicate the quality and songcraft of their debut album, and that each successive album has been worse than the last.  But James Burns hates Weezer so much, he's trying to raise enough money to get them to stop making music altogether.

Recently, Burns launched an online fundraiser to collect $10 million in hopes of sending Weezer to early retirement, The (Seattle) Stranger reported. Despite only raising $2000 to this point, the movement isn't so much about his own feelings for the band, but rather the anguish Weezer has cause their followers. "This isn't about me. This is about Weezer fans," Burns wrote on the website. "This is an abusive relationship, and it needs to stop now. I am tired of my friends being disappointed year after year."

Drummer Patrick Wilson jokingly responded to raise the stakes.  "If they can make it to 20, we'll do the 'deluxe breakup!'". The Stranger interviewed Burns, and he said he'll try and go the distance to raise the money. And as for angry reactions to his fundraising, Burns claims he doesn't mind.  "I am not afraid of Weezer fans," Burns said. "I can take it. Besides, I'm doing this mostly for them."

Weezer's latest album arrives in early November, so he'll have to step it up if he's going to stop that release.

UPDATE: Looks like Jimmy has gone all soft and weak - like Weezer, album after album. He posted the following:

Hey, I’m going to break character here for a minute, okay? Okay. The amount of attention this thing has gotten is unreal. I expected to ruffle a few feathers, but this is pretty insane. So, I’ll be shutting this campaign down at noon on Monday.

Why?

Well, I didn’t raise $10 Million, and Weezer are still a band, but I accomplished everything I ever hoped to.  I figured since the internet wasted so much of my time with all the ridiculous articles about the new Weezer album, I thought I’d return the favor and waste some of the internet’s time. Boy howdy, did I succeed. So in case there was any doubt (and if there was, all I can say is that you’re dumber than me) that this campaign was anything more than a giant piss-take, I’ll leave you with these last words: I did it for the lulz.
toodle pip,
James

Not Worth 1000

For an hour each week, Suzi Hanks reads Playboy. And I mean reads. The articles. The cartoons. The letters. Even the pictures. This stupidity is a typical issue of Playboy...for the blind. From the maddening article about this terrible practice:

"I don't have to try to read it sexy," laughs Hanks, one of about 200 volunteers at Houston-based Taping For The Blind, Inc. "I just read it, and I'm a woman, and that's pretty much sexy."

Hanks, a tall, blonde California native whose regular job is reading the news for a classic rock station in Houston (the completely unknown Dean And Rog show, BTW), declined to disclose her age, but said she once "chickened out" of an offer to pose for Playboy for a feature on women in radio.

In a voice made for radio, she reads the articles and describes the photos without innuendo.

"I don't read it all cover-to-cover in order but I do read everything — all the articles, all the jokes, all the little cartoons, all the pictures, all the letters to the Advisor, all those things."

Ah, nothing like an over the hill* woman (here's some pix...if you like an older, leathery Cameron Diaz) describing what should be sexy in an unsexy way. But the real buzzkill is her description of the centerfold. Here's her take on Miss August:

She is a "Latina, brunette with dark chocolate brown eyes. She has long curly brown hair. ... She is in the first photo sitting in the ocean."

"She has a very large grin on her face, pink lipstick. She has a small tattoo right over the small of her back over the dimple area that appears to be maybe some sort of tribal design. It is red. ... Her legs are kind of crossed. She is sitting in the water."

"Behind her shoulder, down past her arm, you can see her breast peeking out. ... There are no tan lines at all. She is not wearing any nail polish or jewelry or bathing suit or anything."

Wow! I can totally envision a generic woman. Is she petite? Tall? Is she curvy? Skinny? Large breasted? Flat-chested? South American Latin or Central American-Mexican Latin? You're going to give me eye and hair color and expect an accurate picture? Are we talking Jessica Alba or Michelle Rodriguez Latina? Eva Longoria or Sophia Vergara? This is seriously fucking retarded, and if anything, increases the importance of funding science so that we can reverse blindness or make cybernetic implants or something.

This seems like the perfect time to trot out this Mr. Show gem that actually helps "the blinds".

Or this one at about 3:05, which is real reading to the vision impaired.

*enjoy that Twitter about her getting ass lipo

Juggalos Have Gathered

You had the preview, now here's the review:

For That Fresh From The Paddock Look

Want to have that Fernando Alonso look that says "I'm a big crybaby"? Or style that whispers "second driver" like Felipe Massa? Well wait no longer! Taking time off from their flexible front wing, Ferrari engineers designed the electric motor for this hair dryer. Even the specs are written to make it sound like one of their vehicles:

FERRARI DESIGNED AC V12 engine
Powerful 2200W
Very long life up to 2000 hours
Airspeed 130km/hr
Airflow 95m3/hr
TURBO-shot instant boost airflow increases airflow pressure up to 15%
Intense air pressure 6.2 bar
Tri-port Ionic generator

They offer a one year guarantee plus an extension of one year on the engine, which is a better deal than Kimi Raikkonen ever got. The blower comes in two sizes just like their F1 drivers: medium (Alonso) and a compact one (Massa), as well as black and Ferarri red. Still not sold? Check out this pitch:

BaByliss®PRO expertise and FERRARI excellence have fused to bring forth an exclusive designed appliance with exceptional performances specially constructed to maximize its airflow and by minimizing its weight and vibration in order to optimise fast drying and long lasting styling effect.

No thanks...but do you have a McLaren version in rocket red?

Crap Farm

Glee may be rekindling the public's love affair with the cheesy "let me tell ya about it...in a song!" side of entertainment, but some ideas should just not ever leave the discussion stage. Can there be any possible good reason to mix Orwellian dystopia and showtunes?

Elton John and Lee Hall (who wrote the screenplay for Billy Elliot)are working on adapting Animal Farm into a stage musical. Hall said it took about two years to secure the rights for the project, and that he is now “deep into it, writing songs for pigs and other four-legged friends.” Look, it's great that Elton John's songs in The Lion King pushed the cartoon towards an easier Broadway transition, but sixty year old political allegory about communism and Russia? Who is the idiot who thought more people dressed in animal costumes doing soft shoe was necessary?

“Elton likes to have the lyrics done and have them in front of him so I’ll work on a batch before I give him anything to look at,” added Hall on the current status. Elton John also used to like naked men and drugs done in batches before him too. I don't think catering to his whimsy is worth indulging.

It would probably take another two years before the musical is finished, and now I'm actually hoping the Mayans were right. No producers or theatrical companies are officially attached yet, and no actors have been cast, so there is a chance that it dies like so many other awful musical theater projects. I will never stop loving the best sentence in the story (and perhaps modern literature), "All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others", but goddamn it if they're not trying with this retarded project.

Doom Comes To Town...For The 11th (!?!) Time

Clownmageddon is August 12-15...maybe DARPA can test some of those fancy new laser weapons on site. It's never going to be any easier than this fix this Juggalo problem...

Street Ivory

Let's not delve too deep into what "is" art, because ultimately, there can be no consensus. But fortunate New Yorkers can mark themselves down for another +1 on the self-importance scale as they are the debut U.S. stop for a worldwide tour of an "art installation" of 50 pianos.

For two weeks, anyone can play tunes on pianos all over New York City, at famous landmarks like the Lincoln Center, the foot of the Brooklyn Bridge, the Staten Island ferry terminal and Central Park's bandshell. The concept, devised by British artist Luke Jerram, has put more than 130 pianos in parks, squares and bus stations since 2008. The cities effected by this blight include London, Sydney and Sao Paulo.

"There's going to be a huge amount of talent here," Jerram said. "The piano's actually a blank canvas for everyone's creativity, really, so I just hope that the city enjoys it." Oh, fuck you, dickhead. Go listen to some of the crackheads in Battery Park try their hand at a song and you'll see the void in skill.

The New York installation will be the largest in the project - there were only 30 pianos in London last year. Each of the 50 pianos to be installed throughout New York has its own attendants responsible for its care, unlocking the keyboard at 9 a.m. every day and deploying a heavy tarp if it rains.

The pianos were donated for the cause and have been painted and decorated by artists, which means in addition to hearing shitty music, there'll also be shitty decorations. The punishment will be delivered to 27 locations in Manhattan, 10 in Brooklyn, five in Queens and four each in Staten Island and the Bronx.

According to a website about the project, this jerk Jerram got the idea at his local coin-operated laundry, where he saw the same people there every weekend, but none of them talked to each other. He thought a piano might help bring people together in places like that. Hey asshole, it's not a pub, it's for cleaning stains off your sheets and underwear. People at a laundromat want to be anonymous and left alone. It's not a pick up joint or a place to make friends, and if you don't believe me, go to one in Harlem - with or without a piano - and see how long it take you to get stabbed after you approach a stranger.

Most pianos will be open for song until 10 p.m.
(*sarcastic smirk, waves arms in excitement*)

Dynamic Unlikable Duo Together Thru 2012

Just prior to the Montreal GP, Ferrari have announced Felipe "I got hit in the head with a 2 lb spring at over 150 mph and missed half of last year" Massa will continue to drive for the team until the end of the 2012 season.

Massa began racing for Ferrari in 2006, following a stint at Sauber (who was using Ferrari engines), and over his 69 Grands Prix with the Italian outfit has had 11 wins, 30 podiums, 15 pole positions, 12 fastest race laps and 360 points - but no championship.

“I am happy to be given the opportunity to drive for Ferrari for a further two seasons. Throughout my entire Formula One career, I have always raced with an engine made in Maranello and it is a matter of pride for me to be able to continue working with a team that I regard as a second family." Yeah, a family that booted Kimi Raikkonen with a year left on his contract so they could poach former 2-time world champ Fernando Alonso.

Ferrari team principal Stefano Domenicali added, "Felipe has been part of Ferrari for almost a decade and together with us, he has grown as a driver and as a man, going through some very difficult times as well as giving us moments of great happiness. We wanted to show proof of stability for the future, believing in the worth of a driver pairing that is without equal in terms of talent, speed and its ability to work together for the good of the team." Translation - he knows he's the number two driver and isn't raising a fuss, so he can stay.

Whatever...you're cursed after what you did to Kimi, and you can enjoy two more seasons of bad luck for it too, now that you've gone and put it to paper.

Best Wreck Chords

Back when they announced the Grammy nominations, I was thinking of commenting on the different categories - and how they're really the same (witness Beyonce winning 6 Grammys). Any industry awards show is just masturbation for the business, and the dollars and sales is the only thing that separates the Grammys from, say, the Peoples Choice Awards. It's all fucking rubbish.

Thankfully Chez at DXM threw himself on the grenade and took in the telecast last night and was able to articulate what I've been thinking...

I haven't watched the Grammys in years and sitting through them last night I was reminded why.

On the whole, the show and the award-winners themselves were so spectacularly awful that this morning the entire experience comes back to me only in bits and pieces:

• Will.I.Am dressed like Mr. Roboto

• Green Day losing the final vestige of whatever punk cred they had to begin with

• Miley Cyrus looking like she should be on the menu of an Eastern European mail order bride website

• Jamie Foxx assaulting the ears of America with an indecipherable cacophony while his sister, who has Down Syndrome and looks like Precious, flails around on the stage (proving that the man who coincidentally introduced Foxx, Robert Downey Jr., was right about the rule he set forth in Tropic Thunder)

• Celine Dion in 3D

• Taylor Swift not being able to sing on-key yet winning Album of the Year

• In a related item -- AUTO-TUNE

• The Grammys essentially becoming the CMT awards

• Kesha and Justin Bieber -- KESHA AND JUSTIN FUCKING BIEBER -- appearing together as a cold harbinger of what we can expect from next year's Grammys.

But ask anyone about the high point of the show last night and they're guaranteed to say one word: Pink.

Don't forget, they annouce the Avatar Oscar nominees tomorrow morning...can't wait for that stunningly obvious list.

And a sweet one with Captain America!

An Average Weekend

Gonna rest and relax in preparation for next week's snowboarding trip...so there.

Best of the week: More than 100 Russian Orthodox believers have been hospitalized after drinking holy water during Epiphany celebrations in the eastern city of Irkutsk. Not so holy, was it?

A total of 117 people, including 48 children, were in the hospital complaining of acute intestinal pain after drinking water from wells in and around a local church last week. That's just the passion of the Christ...in the form of a bacterial parasite. Over 204 people have required some medical treatment after consuming the water, the source of which was a stagnant lake.

Many Russians consider any water obtained on Epiphany — which they celebrate on Jan. 19 — to be holy. The water is typically bottled for consumption later. With that thinking, they may as well slurp it out of puddles and toilets. By the way, tap water in most of Russia is undrinkable.

Plus: In late October, Newsday, the Long Island daily that the Dolan family bought for $650 million, put its web site, newsday.com, behind a pay wall. The paper was one of the first non-business newspapers to take the plunge. So, three months later, how many people have signed up to pay $5 a week, or $260 a year, to get unfettered access to newsday.com?

The answer: 35 people. As in fewer than a decent-sized elementary-school class.

That astoundingly low figure was revealed in a newsroom-wide meeting last week by publisher Terry Jimenez when a reporter asked how many people had signed up for the site. Mr. Jimenez didn't know the number off the top of his head, so he asked a deputy sitting near him. The web site redesign and relaunch cost the Dolans $4 million, according to Mr. Jimenez. With those 35 people, they've grossed about $9,000.

Of course, there are a few caveats. Anyone who has a newspaper subscription is allowed free access; anyone who has Optimum Cable, which is owned by the Dolans and Cablevision, also gets it free. Newsday representatives claim that 75% of Long Island either has a subscription or Optimum Cable. "We're the freebie newsletter that comes with your HBO," sniffed one Newsday reporter.

And no matter how they try to spin the fact that they're opening the site up to tens of thousands for free, traffic has fallen nevertheless. In December, the web site had 1.5 million unique visits, a drop from 2.2 million in October. The paper, which traditionally has been a powerful money maker, lost $7 million in the first three quarters of last year, according to Jimenez at the meeting. Now the paper is in the middle of a labor dispute in which it wants to extract a 10% pay cut from all employees - which was turned down by a lopsided vote of 473 to 10.

There's nothing like seeing rich people lose money in investments that are bad, backed by ideas that are poorly thought out.

Also: American Apparel - and specifically owner Dov Charney, have been heavily documented here as sleazy soft-core pornographers masquerading as a business. And their newest idea is a new low...and high.

We're looking for a brand new bum (the best in the world!) to be the new "face" for our always expanding intimates and briefs lines. The winners will be flown to LA, photographed and featured online. Send in a close-up photo of your backside wearing American Apparel panties, bodysuits or briefs for consideration and vote for your personal favorites.

You must be 18 years of age [even if you don't look it] or older to enter. Submit your photo(s) between January 28, 2010, and February 21, 2010. Two winners - selected by American Apparel judges - will be eligible to be our next butt model. The top ten contestants, as voted on by the public, will receive a grab bag of American Apparel items valued at $300.

A "contest" that includes submitting pictures of your ass in their apparel (which you can conveniently purchase if you don't have any)...pure perverted genius. You're scumbags, but I have to tip my hat at your ingenuity.

And: Italian erotic film director Tinto Brass announced that he would produce what he called the world's first-ever 3D pornographic production. If you really want that kind of action, just head to one of the remaining adult film theaters and you'll get 3-D. Possibly 4-D.

Brass, best known for his 1979 film Caligula, which he directed in collaboration with noted author Gore Vidal and magazine publisher Bob Guccione, said the time is right for 3D technologies to be used to create an erotic film. He noted that the project, which he said will be the world's first 3D erotic film, will also be the first 3D film of any type made in Italy.

Brass said that with the film he plans to "revisit an abandoned project about a Roman emperor that was ruined by Americans, and go from there," a reference to Caligula, which he has criticized because of hard-core sex scenes added during postproduction without his consent. He said he would start work on casting and the script immediately, and that he planned to start filming in May or June.

You have to figure the story can't be any less dull and predictable than Avatar, right?

Best picture of the week:

I think Leslie Nielsen wore it better in The Naked Gun

Best bonus links:
• Should The Census Offer 'Negro' As An Identity Option? - Shit yeah!

• Detective Handsome Has Cracked The Case - There's no way a gal younger than me dies from a stress related heart attack from losing an acting gig. Try a decade in the garment business and see who's got more explosive chest issues...

• NY Dairy Farmer Kills 51 Cows, Commits Suicide - Why have the cow when you can kill it and keep the milk from being free?

• Richardson Gives Kings 3-2 Comeback Win Over Wings - First win at Detroit in years, and something like the first in 27 games against them. Now three wins in a row on a five game road trip.

• Gisele: "I Gave Birth In The Bathtub" - That beats me...I just peed a little in mine.

• Cops Stop Cyclist With Butcher Knife-Pool Cue Axe - C'mon, you can't not stop a guy with a butcher knife-pool cue axe?

• Did Botox Kill Girl With Cerebral Palsy? - I don't know, but we may have found another good use for botox!

• John Edwards Says Separation 'Extraordinarily Sad' - Just like Dennis Hopper earlier in the week...how awesome of a statement is it that you'd rather fight terminal cancer alone than have to spend any more time living with someone you loathe.

• 37 killed In Baghdad As 'Chemical Ali' Hanged - It's a shame to see celebrating carry over too far. I though this was just the providence of winning sports championships.

• Many Children 'Hear Voices'; Most Aren't Bothered - Finally, there's others out there like me. The key is not paying attention to what they're telling you.

• Child Porn Suspect Is Found Dead By FBI In Whittier - Or as I like to call it, unburdening the justice system.

• Book: John Paul II Used Belt To Whip Himself - A repressed Catholic into kinky, sexual acts? What a shock...

• Ugly Truth For 'Ugly Betty': This Season It Ends - One less shitty show coming back in the fall...hooray!

• Send California Inmates To Mexico, Says Schwarzenegger - You're on the right track. How about also sending illegal immigrants back to Mexico while you're at it?


Worst of the week: As soon as CBS announced that The Who would play the Super Bowl halftime show, you had to see it coming - they're going to play all three “CSI” theme songs. and if CBS is anything, they're predictable.

Pete Townsend said, “We’re kinda doing a mashup of stuff...a bit of ‘Baba O’Riley’ [CSI: NY], a bit of ‘Pinball Wizard,’ a bit of the close of ‘Tommy,’ a bit of ‘Who Are You,’ [CSI] and a bit of ‘Won’t Get Fooled Again’ [CSI: Miami]. It works — it’s quite a saga. A lot of the stuff that we do has that kind of celebratory vibe about it — we’ve always tried to make music that allows the audience to go a bit wild if they want to. Hopefully it will hit the spot.”

Does the inclusion of “Pinball Wizard” mean CBS is working on “CSI: Special Needs Unit”? Don't put it past them.

And in a bid to keep the neighborhood safe, advocacy group Protect Our Children is sending cards to about 1500 residences near the site of Super Bowl XLIV to “alert” the community. Why? Because Townsend is registered in Britain as a sex offender, the result of being caught in the middle of a child pornography sting back in 2003. Just in case The Who would be driving down their route to the stadium from the airport and then suddenly veer off-course for a quick bite of third grader.

Also: Human remains were found near a home where investigators were searching for the body of a missing man who won millions of dollars in the lottery nearly four years ago.

You may recall Abraham Shakespeare, the 43-year-old truck driver's assistant missing since April, though not reported missing until November. He had won a $31 million lottery jackpot in 2006, opting for a lump sum payment of nearly $17 million. And now his remains have been identified. Please feign surprise that the remains were found at a home owned by the boyfriend of Dorice Moore, a "person of interest" for the sheriff, though she had not been charged.

In December, Moore told a local newspaper that she helped Shakespeare disappear, but now wants him to return because detectives were searching her home and car and looking for blood on her belongings. Moore transferred more than $1 million from Shakespeare's bank account into hers. She said the money was a gift. Hope she uses it for a good defense attorney.

Plus: Argentina's president recommended pork as an alternative to Viagra. Nothing like a country's leader talking about how well they got porked after eating some.

The highly presidential comments came as she admitted she spent a satisfying weekend with her husband after eating barbecued pork. "I've just been told something I didn't know; that eating pork improves your sex life ... I'd say it's a lot nicer to eat a bit of grilled pork than take Viagra," President Cristina Fernandez said to leaders of the pig farming industry, who were surely not expecting to hear he talk about fucking her husband.

After she ate pork, "things went very well that weekend, so it could well be true." Argentines are the world's biggest per capita consumers of beef, but the government has sought to promote pork as an alternative in recent years due to rising steak prices and as a way to diversify the meat industry. "Trying it doesn't cost anything, so let's give it a go," Fernandez said in the televised speech. I'm all for the government trying to help develop businesses, but not at the expense of having leaders talk about their sex lives publicly. You're a nation's leader, not an American Apparel ad - have some class.

And: A college student returning to school after the winter break fell victim to a "prank" at Philadelphia's airport by a Transportation Security Administration worker who pretended to plant a plastic bag of white powder in her carry on luggage.

The worker is no longer employed by the TSA after the incident this month, a spokeswoman said.

Rebecca Solomon (22), a University of Michigan student, wrote in a column for her campus newspaper that she was having her bags screened on Jan. 5 before her flight to Detroit when the employee stopped her, reached into her laptop computer bag and pulled out the plastic bag, demanding to know where she had gotten the powder. She recounted how she struggled to come up with an explanation, wondering if it was bomb-detonating material slipped in by a terrorist or drugs put there by a smuggler.

"He let me stutter through an explanation for the longest minute of my life...tears streamed down my face as I pleaded with him to understand that I'd never seen this baggie before." A short time later, she said, the worker smiled and said it was his. The worker "waved the baggie at me and told me he was kidding, that I should've seen the look on my face," she said.

A TSA spokeswoman said late the employee was no longer with the agency but did not specify whether he had been fired or quit, referring only to "disciplinary action" taken by the TSA. She also declined to identify the worker or his job title, citing privacy laws, and did not know whether his actions would be subject to criminal charges.

No wonder half the world hates us. Sometimes, we're just asking for it.

Worst picture of the week year:

Versace at it's most unfashionable

Worst bonus links:
• Edwards' Ex-Mistress Wants 'Private' Tape Returned - Part 2 of 'John Edwards is a scumbag' news. I figure she wants it back so she can sell it - what's the point otherwise. Everbody already knows you're a whore.

• Nancy Kerrigan's Brother Arrested In Connection With Father's Death - This time, Tonya Harding is in the clear.

• Ultrasound Not Foolproof - Yes, it failed to detect a 0.0003% occuring birth defect which lead to a baby without occular tissue. Nobody knows why it happened...but I'm going to put some money on the fact the mother is 15. (Yes, you also win if you guessed she's from Florida)

• NH Teacher, 100, Gets Degree A Day Before Dying - That proves having goals and something to live for really matter.

• QB Kurt Warner Retires, Ending 12-year NFL Career - No maore Jesus warrior, no more gremlin wife either.

• Usher Testifies He Saw Kansas Abortion Doc's Slaying - Dude, stop with the crappy R&B and do something about it. Oh, wait, not that Usher.

• Miramax Offices Close, Disney Says Brand Continues - Let's see how your "brand" fairs when there's no company behind it. The end of an era for indie film.

• Michelle Duggar: Recent Birth 'Was One Of The Scariest Moments Of My Life' - When you're on number 19, you should jut shut the fuck up. Scary is that you're a breeding machine.

• Stephanopoulos Learns Of Genetic Link To A Clinton - Oh my God! Can it be possible...that nobody cares about a pint-sized right talking head and and who he's possibly related to.

• Nick Cannon: Having Babies With Mariah Only Priority in Life - What a clever way to stay connected to her fortune and fame.

• Susan Boyle Gives Thumbs Up After Intruder Scare - Clearly, she frightened them away. That's one of the few times if you were to get arrested for sexual assault you'd actual be the victim.

• Breast-Milk For Haiti: Why Donations Are Being Discouraged - Because that's gross, for starters.

• Jessica Simpson Has A New Snuggle Companion - More non-news from a no-talent who spends more time oversharing than disappearing. Let's see if she can keep this one from ending up as coyote food.

• Diddy Bought His Son A $360,000 Car For His 16th Birthday - Just because he's not in the spotlight much anymore doesn't mean he's not an insufferable, pompus idiot. Looking forward to the inevitable teenage fender bender.

Cuddletarded

I remember hearing about a "cuddle party" long ago and scoffed at the stupidity of it. Like the segment of HBO's Real Sex that was the least sexy and sexual and had the most losers, well, that what it came off like. And actually is. What a surprise that it's a bunch of goofy dudes eventually rubbing the females...

Back Up Weekend

It's time to reformat the ol' computer, since viral contagion has scarred the machine and permanently destabilized the OS. It happens. So now, the arduous process of backing up files and folders, and transferring things off the split hard drive onto satellite archives and DVDs begins so I can wipe it all clean and fuck it up all over again.

Sucktastic

What's worse than having to go into work on Monday? Having to go in twice.

After the debacles with my work computer in the past, I've resorted to keeping all my pertinent files and contracts on a USB flash drive, which I keep with me. Except this morning. Seems I forgot it at home...bad time to come in early at 7am to get things done, and then spend the next 90 minutes going and coming back. Grumble, gripe...so, anybody else start their week off with something unbelievably stupid?