Stoya!

Girl-next-door porn star Stoya recently gave an interview on the Huffington Post, which revealed the unfortunate repercussions of her business.

"My dad is purely just angry that I ruined porn for him...[He's mad] because I couldn't, like, just do a few scenes, I had to sign with a big company," she said. Oh, the irony! The worst is when ads for her signature model Fleshlight sex toy - a molded version of her vaj, pop up on the porn sites he goes to.

We can chicken-and-egg the whole thing about what came first (hint: not her father, apparently), but I think the take away is to download movie and clips from torrent sites that won't point out your parental failings rather than stream video.

Noctomom?

I'm going to take the high road as best I can for this post, but you can all make your own cringe-worthy comments about the latest woman in line to birth a litter of children.

Karla Vanessa Perez, lives in Coahuila (Mexico), which borders Texas, is said to be one month away from giving birth to 6 girls and 3 boys, and just like Nadya Suleman, Perez said she had fertility treatments leading to the multiple pregnancy.  Mexico's Notimex news agency (who I'm sure is totally reputable) reported the story, but like a Mexican soap opera, there has to be a stunning twist, and that's a report from Univision.

The channel claims a reporter spoke with a Mexican doctor who performed an ultrasound on Perez, and determined her uterus was "empty."  I think they could have also said a reporter "spoke" to a "Mexican doctor" who "performed an ultrasound" on Perez and determined her uterus was empty, and it could be equally accurate.  I'm not sure if she's telling the truth or just a fat bitch, but I think we can all agree when it comes to kids, eight is enough.

Fetal Corpse Syndrome

Last week, I put on my floaties and waded out into the deep end of the Lake of Fire to show anything but sympathy for the dead baby of The Duggars, and now I think I'm justified in my contempt for that family.

Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar made a spectacle of their dead baby at a memorial service, which was in conjunction with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, a "non-profit organization that helps families deal with the miscarriage and loss of their babies" - by taking photos of their dead babies.

Shockingly, pictures of Jubilee Shalom Duggar that were supposed to be taken for the family to keep and use at the memorial service somehow "got released" without the Duggars consent.  Sure they did.  And maybe they shouldn't distributed them to the hundreds of people attending the memorial in Springdale, Arkansas.  Or pose for publicity photos like the one above.

If you want to see tiny dead hands and feet being held, you can check out this link.

Leave That Thing Alone

Looks like it's going to be at least another nine months before they need to change the name from "19 Kids and Counting"...

Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar got some sad news yesterday when they went to a routine checkup to find out the sex of their 20th child (yes, I would say it's routine after the first three or four), and the answer they got was dead - I know, an odd answer for a child's gender.

Their doctor was unable to find the baby's heartbeat or restraint by the parents for breeding (which is what it becomes when you've had more than a litter of children), and it was determined Michelle had miscarried in her second trimester. Jim Bob released a statement confirming the news to Access Hollywood, and also marking the rare occasion that the name Jim Bob and Hollywood were in the same sentence. In a not-at-all-creepy way, they will still name the baby after they find out of it was a boy or a girl, and plan to hold a funeral service. No word yet if it will be part of their upcoming television season.

The Duggars most recently had daughter Josie in December 2009, and the rest of their offspring are Joshua, 23 (who has two children, Mackynzie, 2, and Michael, 4 months, with wife Anna, 23), twins Jana and John-David, 21; Jill, 20; Jessa, 19; Jinger, 17; Joseph, 16; Josiah, 15; Joy-Anna, 14; twins Jedidiah and Jeremiah, 12; Jason, 11; James, 10; Justin, 8; Jackson, 7; Johanna, 6; Jennifer, 4; and Jordyn, 3. Shockingly, not a Jim Bob junior in the bunch!

If you're keeping score, Michelle's record is 19-2, which would win the AFC East. Yes, she miscarried before, during her second pregnancy, when she was reportedly taking oral birth control. I should add that anal is a very effective birth control, but it is not exactly church-supported. After the first miscarriage, it's said the couple decided to let the number of children they have be "up to God." Well, I think he's trying to let you know you may be finished crapping out kids...or should be.

Now, before I get angry replies about making light of dead babies, ask yourself if it's reasonable to have that many children as some kind of religious quest. If you didn't already know, it's not. We're not in the age of cholera or they need farmhands, and unless it's the second coming of the Khan Empire, there's no need to lay enough seed for an army.

Douchebagborn

When geeks fornicate, good decisions can not be guaranteed.

Megan and Eric Kellermeyer, who quantify themselves as a "gamer couple", determined their due date was 11/11/11, the same day as the release of the much-anticipated next chapter in the Elder Scrolls series, "Skyrim".

Having read a post on game developer Bethesda's blog suggesting that expectant parents consider naming their child "Dovahkiin", which means "Dragonborn" in the Skyrim world, they decided to prove they were unfit to be parents.

The post had the been made as a joke, with a disclaimer noting "Bethesda Softworks is not responsible for your parenting", but the company later added incentive to their sociological test. Anyone willing to name their child Dovahkiin would receive every one of the developer's games free for life, on top of other unnamed goodies. Wow, what's that come to over the expected lifespan of that company, maybe a dozen games at $50 each, and a few hundred dollars worth of tees and promo materials? Yeah, that's a fair trade.

Last Friday, Dovahkiin Tom Kellermeyer was born, and two assholes sold out their kid's life for some swag. In future news, Dovahkiin Kellermeyer was wanted in connection to the violent bludgeoning murder of his parents, Megan and Eric. Motive was not confirmed, but police suspected it was some form or retribution for years of scorn and taunting over his name.

Puerco-Chihuahua Housebreaking

With an army of assistants and entourage in tow, it's no surprise that a diva like Jennifer Lopez lacks the skills to be responsible parent.

Her skinny puppy-looking husband Marc Anthony revealed their technique for getting their kids to use the toilet was by bribing them with lollipops. "In order to potty train them, every time they'd use the toilet we'd give them a lollipop," he said. Brilliant, except they ran out of lollipops in three days, which showed both a commitment to making sure they had succeeded and considerable planning. Finally, it dawned on them that their half-assed attempt at parenting may have not yielded the right results: their three-year-old Max ended up using their swimming pool as his own giant toilet bowl.

"It got into the filtration system and they charged us to clean it," said the proud parents. "He took a $6,000 dump in the pool!" Nice. And now there's no chance that he'll hear about it years later and be totally mortified.

I may not be qualified to fix the components in a pool, but I have been in one, and it's kinda hard for a shit to get into the filters...because it has to get in it. So unless he squatted into the filter itself, how'd it get there? Did it invisibly sneak out of his bathing suit and swim across the pool into the filters? Because it would have to for them - or more realistically their help, not to see it happening and try to stop it. Unless, as I think, the kid was unsupervised at the pool, which is far more likely and wholey more satisfying a story.  But let's not detract from the real magic of a $6000 shit (or in Lopez terms, the equivelent of hundreds of bottles of her perfume) .

Comeuppance For Lax Parenting

How do you make up for poor parenting? Go for the fame and money!

Yesterday, the family of a toddler who died after plunging over 30 feet from a third level luxury box at Staples Center filed suit against the owners of the venue. Vultures Lawyers for the family of Lucas Tang allege that the barrier in front of the boxes was only 2 feet high and that ownership provided "no warnings of the dangerous condition, either by signs, oral statements by employees, or otherwise." Really? We need a warning that going over a barrier is dangerous? If that condition isn't visible to someone, how the hell are they going to see a sign warning them of the obvious?

They said the dangerous condition was "allowed to persist because the arena would make more money if fans had an unobstructed view of the game". Again, really? have they even seen how they're set up? Tell me how clear plexiglass that isn't even 30" high is obstructive. I watch hockey there more than 40 times a year behind eight foot tall sheets of the stuff with no issues. As you can see in the picture, each box has tiers of seats with safety glass embedded in concrete walls, which meet the city's building codes requiring guardrails to be at least 26 inches high in front of seats.

Moments before the fall, the Tang family was taking pictures in front of the plexiglass barrier that protects fans from the steep drop. And as the family was reviewing pictures on their digital camera, Lucas made his way over the barrier and plummeted nearly 30 feet, landing on a row of empty seats.  So, to recap, a kid fell over the legally installed and functional guard barriers and died while his family was not observing him. Are we done with this frivolous lawsuit? Can we move on to famewhoring?

Rogelio Baena, who up until last week thought he was the father of Mildred Baena's love child with Arnold Schwarzenegger, crawled out from under his rock to sun himself in the spotlight of Entertainment Tonight. And while it may be an exclusive, he'll surely be popping up on other media.

Baena said he will always regard the boy as his own, and would like to tell his son, "I am your father. That's all.". When asked how he felt once he heard the news that the Sperminator beat him to the egg, he said, "Angry! Very, very angry! Arnold Schwarzenegger, for me, was my hero. Now, I feel betrayed."

Yes, let's feel bad for papa, who split with his Baena two months after she gave birth to the boy. Very responsible of him! And the last time he spoke to his "son" was last year. Oh, and he does not know where the kid and his mom are now. Some fucking father figure this dirtbag has been. I see my dental hygienist more often than he saw that kid, and I'll bet anything she and I have a tighter bond than they do. This guy has nothing say about it, and the media are once again irresponsibly pouring fuel on a fire just to keep it burning.

I don't hate bastard children or dead ones, just the parents and families of them who try to prosper from their own poor decisions and behavior.

Prepare For 18 Years Of Anger From Your Kids

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon have both revealed the names for their twins, and that they're typical celebrity idiots - the names of their newborn boy and girl are Moroccan and Monroe.

Mr. and Mrs. Ridiculous chose to name their son Moroccan Scott Cannon after the Moroccan-inspired decor of the top tier of Carey's New York City apartment. The Moroccan Room is also where Cannon proposed. Because that sapped all their creativity, they ended up with Scott as the middle name since it's Cannon's middle name (as well as his grandmother's maiden name where that likely came from).  Their daughter Monroe Cannon gets her moniker from Marilyn Monroe, who has "inspired" Carey. How, no one can say. Unlike her brother, Monroe doesn't have a middle name because Carey doesn't have one either.

Hopefully, they will be sending the kids to some ultra-exclusive private school forever, because they are going to get picked on the minute they walk in the door, and mom and dad are going to have to answer for a lot of beating they'll suffer.

Infantile Brains And Names

I've noted in the past how LiveScience.com sucks peen and try to avoid their idiocy, but when paired up with another topic I have a virulent response to - shitty baby names - I have a knee-jerk reaction.

To call them the USA Today of scientific websites actually besmirches USA Today worse than that cotton-candy-hollow newspaper is to other print editions. You could call them the People Magazine of scientific websites. Or the WB of scientific websites. Or the Brett Ratner of scientific websites. Or the Nickelback of scientific websites. This could go on and one, but you get the point...

It's insulting to both science and journalism the awful shit they post, and their recent article, "The Most Hated Baby Names In America", is a perfect storm of the mediocrity they represent.

To read a post is like falling into a black hole - time and space compress at the event horizon to become indistinguishable. It completely explains why an article links back to other posts that have no real connection to the present one, yet are being supplied as if they have context or relevance.  Only through the sheer awfulness of their hack writers can they make an article about baby names service links back to articles like such:

•Saying that 10% of people in a British baby name survey said they used the name of a famous person...and that links that back to the article "As Elvis Turns 75, Celebrity Worship Alive And Well", which is about narcissism why society has an obsession with the idea of celebrity - and not a single mention at all about babies or names.

• Using a quote from a baby book author that the top hated name - Nevaeh, symbolizes "what people don't like in modern baby names", - and inserts a link to an article "Babies in Frontier States Have More Unusual Names", which makes no sense.  That article says that as you move west, unusual baby names are more common...so how are they gaining popularity if they're disliked?  And establishing that names are less traditional geographically has no bearing on it...unless the symbolic thing that is disliked is where the people live. Why would this be included in there?

It's also worth pointing out that all of this is before they even get into the substance of the article, which, if you can remember after all the detours and un-relevant paragraphs of filler is to cover the most hated baby names.  I guess they must get paid by how many clicks their links get, so the staff just daisy chain all their articles together...oh, wait, they're also trying to drive up ad views with the superfluous clicks - because nothing screams scientific integrity like deliberately poor writing just to create sponsorship revenue.  But we digress (just like their articles)...

When it finally comes to the most hated baby names, Live Science.crap falls back on Laura Wattenberg, author of The Baby Name Wizard: A Magical Method for Finding the Perfect Name for Your Baby.  You see, Wattenberg did an informal survey of hated names for her blog, and because it was Live Science.crap, of course they'd go with somebody who also used poor  methodology.  Like looking at general-interest online message boards online for for conversations about baby names that people disliked.  Or motorcycle travel forum, a video game fan board and several parenting forums.  Wattenberg deliberately avoided loading up on message boards specifically for baby names, with the belief that "name enthusiasts tend to know trends and might skew the results".  Skew what results?  Somebody forgot to explain to her that something subjective as disliking a name is neither a trend nor a result of being a baby name enthusiast (whatever the fuck that is).

Live Science.crap notes Wattenberg is quick to point out that the survey isn't scientific, 'but it does have the advantage of capturing the names people spontaneously hate".  As opposed to calculated hate, right?  "A formal survey that gave people an option to rank names would likely bias people by putting ideas into their heads", Wattenberg said.  No, you can't make me hate Neveah more or less than I already do, whether you include it on your list or not.  And here's the list:

Girls:

1. Nevaeh
2. Destiny
3. Madison
4. Mackenzie
5. McKenna
6. Addison
7. Gertrude
8. Kaitlyn
9. Makayla
10. Bertha
11. Hope

Boys:

1. Jayden
2. Brayden
3. Aiden
4. Kaden
5. Hunter
6. Hayden
7. Bentley
8. Tristan
9. Michael
10. Jackson

So according to Wattenberg, people hate gender-bending names (when a masculine name becomes feminine) or odd spellings.  Similarly sounding boys names and "Mc"-names for girls also made folks cringe.  Not surprisingly, the participants were overwhelmingly female and under 60.  Rather than just end the post there with the info, or only have had a post that talks about baby names (which would have been a very short article), they go on to talk about how parents choose baby names deciding between "easy versus unique", or "why names pop" - and become popular.  Yes, it's more filler and links because neither of those relate to the most hated baby names.

Wattenberg said the response to list was so strong that she's hoping to conduct a more systematic survey of a larger, more defined sample of people (read: correctly take a survey), but stresses she "doesn't want to label names 'good' or 'bad'...but it could be useful for parents to know how others will react to their prospective name".  A little hard to avoid labeling if your list is called the "most hated", wouldn't you say? The real study should be why these names are popular and trending currently even though they are also highly despised.  And in perfect closing, they squeeze their idiot expert for a quote that really doesn't encapsulate anything that was said:   "Everybody is looking for this impossible dream, which is a name that everybody knows, everybody loves and nobody is using."

"Don't Brush My Hair In Knots!"

Check Before You Flush

You may not always remember what you ate that made your experience in the bathroom traumatic, but you'd think that passing anything approaching more than a pound would register.

Still, a South Carolina woman accused of giving birth in an arena toilet and leaving her baby to die claims she didn't know she was pregnant and can't remember the birth.

Jessica Blackham (24) felt ill during a circus performance and went to the arena's bathroom, where she does not remember birthing a child. Blackham is also mother to a 4-year-old child, who was not born in a public toilet. She was charged with one count of felony child abuse and one count of unlawful neglect toward a child. If convicted, she could face up to 30 years in prison.Authorities would not discuss the identity of the infant's father, and while Blackham is married, she is estranged from her husband.

Arena workers found the asphyxiating child and called authorities. The baby was found suffering from hypothermia, but was in good condition. The custodians said they found the infant with his feet in the water and head resting on the toilet rim. While 911 was called, a worker pulled the baby from the toilet and used a finger to pull mucus from the boy's mouth before wrapping the baby in a towel and used a piece of string to cut the umbilical cord.

I just want to add here at the end of this post that it was a six pound baby she shit mysteriously passed delivered. Yeah, I think I'd remember that visit to the toilet...

Darwin's Class

Authorities say seven San Francisco middle school students were taken to hospitals after apparently mistaking rat poison for candy.  Y'know, that delicious candy that comes in the box with a skull and rat on it!

Actually, students from the Martin Luther King Jr. Academic Middle School (way to honor that legacy) were taken to the emergency room yesterday after ingesting a blue cube they found atop a filing cabinet.  Because there's usually unwrapped candy on a piece of furniture.  At school.  Just laying around.  Crews were called to the school after one of the students told a parent about the incident, and a teacher later called poison control.

The children showed no symptoms (other than stupidity), and were taken to hospitals as a precaution, as broken glass, rusty nails and AIDS filled condoms were also strewn about and potentially ingested.  School officials say the incident is under investigation, though the real location ought to be those kids homes to determine if the parent are fit enough to raise children and not teach them not to eat blue cubes they find atop a filing cabinet.

And They're Off...Again

It's shocking (or not) how quick the last post has been rendered irrelevant. Bristol "My Mother Was Almost Vice-President Of The United States And All I Got Was This Lousy Teen Pregnancy" Palin and Levi "Dumb Even By Alaskan Hillbilly Standards" Johnston are calling off their second engagement. Yeah...sure - I buy that, right on the heels of Brett Favre telling Vikings he will retire.

This potential turning point for mankind* occurred when Johnston told Palin her may have fathered a baby with another girl. Nice! Just like the two of those geniuses, the story gets complicated as the other girl was not identified, but a pregnant ex-girlfriend of Johnston has publicly denied he is the father. Okay, but exactly how many ex-girlfriends of his are currently pregnant?

Bristol Palin said the "final straw" was when Johnston told her he was going to Hollywood to see a hunting show, but actually went there to star in a music video mocking her family. I can't imagine what crap musician (who the hell is Brittani Senser?) decided such on a topical video concept, but that's got shitty publicity stunt written all over it.

Palin did not have her mother's full support over reconnecting with Johnston, and both her mother and father - in a surprise feat of parental involvement, worried that she would get hurt again. They say that even plants can feel pain, so I guess she might be effected. Thus continues the ongoing animosity between the Palins and Johnston. Unless some of these morons die, there will surely be more news to come...

*Yes, no more retarded^ Palin babies to slowly overrun the population like a one family version of Idiocracy

^I know, mommy had the 'tard baby, but that family barely shares enough intelligence to pop the lid off a jar of mayonnaise. They're all goddamn retards.

Meant For Each Other

What's the best way to tell your parents you've decided to get back together with and marry your teenage baby daddy after a very ugly public tiff between him and your family? On the cover of Us Weekly, of course!

Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston told the rag that they were getting married — with or without the approval of Sarah Palin. Yep, she's a viable candidate for some public office just on virtue alone of her magnificent handling of her daughter's pregnancy and relationships. The Alaskan hillbillies say they reconnected about three months ago while working out a custody agreement for their 18-month-old son, Tripp.

I've got an agreement for you both to mull over - sterilization. You're both too fucking stupid to be declared legally competent to manage your lives, let alone create any others. Even if you don't end up together, that's what would be best for society.

According to the magazine, Johnston and Palin secretly got engaged two weeks ago, which makes their denial in People magazine from the same period as the Us Weekly scoop even more awesome. Perhaps they didn't offer the same $100,000 and cover for the exclusive. In a statement to NBC News this morning, Sarah and Todd Palin said that they want what's best for their kids and that "Bristol believes in redemption and forgiveness to a degree most of us struggle to put in practice in our daily lives". Too bad they don't want what's best for the country, which would be locking the whole family in a mobile home and setting it on fire.

Actually, I Think You Do Need Guns

Stellar Parenting

Priorities are slightly different in other countries...if the kid fell at the end, it would be perfect (and prove my point even more).

Goodbye Sober Weekend

Oh, Herr Docktor...you are getting married soon, and that means bachelor party. I will never reveal the Wu-Tang secret! Sorry liver, you must be punished. Is wine okay?

And don't forget, next weekend MAGNA highlights the Rose City Rocks festival.

Best of the week: The more than two decades since he played hooky have not diminished the legend of Ferris Bueller. And thanks to modern technology, you can still follow him around as he takes his day off.

A Twitter account, @ferris_bueller_, started innocently enough, noting, “Ugh… school’s really getting me down. less than an hour to go.” Bueller apparently went home and was quiet until about 7 hours ago when he tweeted, “Really don’t feel like going to school today… Think I have a plan”. If you’ve seen the movie, you know what happens next.

The messages were ongoing — not only mentioning they’re at a baseball game, but supported by accounts from Sloane Peterson, Jeanie Bueller, and even Mr. Rooney. The Ferris account is also checking in at various places using Foursquare too - like Ferris checking into to Wrigley Field to watch the aforementioned baseball game. Apparently there’s a badge you can earn on Foursquare by visiting some locations from the movie, though the Bueller account has not gotten the badge yet.

So whether you choose to follow Cameron or even Abe Froman, it's a cool homage to the flick using today's real-time social media that hopefully grows in popularity and knowledge so more folks can follow. And yes, it even ended appropriately hours later with: “You’re still here? It’s over. Go home…. Go."

Plus: In the highly unlikely even you become an internet meme, Gawker has a few tips:

HIDE? Epic Boobs Girl's lawsuit against Loaded (your typical limey lad mag) over the use of a photo from her web profile (eventually immortalized for EPIC BOOBS) has been tossed out. She may have lost that but there's hordes of men who are still winning. And tossing.

When her Bebo profile was mined for scores of sweet pictures her rack, the last thing she thought was she'd be famous on the web. There's the usual privacy-protecting precautions, but figure if you're putting a picture up anywhere, it's probably too late. So if you can't help sharing online, then learn to keep your real world self more subdued.

PROFIT? Southern queen-in-training Chris Crocker channeled his "Leave Britney Alone!" mantra into a full-fledged (yet increasingly shrinking) career. He moved to L.A. and hustles appearances, comic books, and his YouTube channel. David After Dentist's dad franchised his kid into tee-shirts and stickers. It's not going to make money forever, but David's college is, let's say, more than covered. And even Rick Astley rickrolled new tour dates and an album or two out of his meme.

Beyond the fame, there's actual, serious money to be made. Look at (or don't because he's an unattractive chubster) the Numa Numa guy. Have you ever heard him speak? No. But you've probably seen him lip syncing in ads for majors like Geico and Vizio. Scary to think a guy who's real name virtually no one knows makes an obscene amount of money just for licensing a YouTube video. That's the perk of 35 million views I guess.

SUE LIKE HELL? A major meme has yet to be sued into submission, but that doesn't mean it's been tried. Major asshat Glenn Beck's battle against "Did Glenn Beck rape and murder a girl in 1990?" is typical of the failure that awaits those who try. To satirize Glenn Beck's notorious reliance on mistruths, internet users re-appropriated a Gilbert Gottfried joke that demonstrates how warning against a rumor can actually start a rumor. They started asking whether Glenn Beck had raped and murdered a young girl, why he had no commented on it - thus without ever accusing Glenn Beck of raping and murdering anyone, successfully lodged the accusation into his Google results. Beck tried to sue the owner of DidGlennBeckRapeandMurderaYoungGirlin1990.com but failed. But will continue to try until they win or he fades into his own obscurity,

LAUGH AND MOVE ON? It's the most dignified and rational option, though it may be easier for someone like Approval Guy than Star Wars Kid. He pondered what to make of his fame, and ultimately deciding to do nothing. "Being posted all over the internet doesn't bother me at all, in fact, I find it hilarious. I really enjoy seeing the creativity of others and think they should continue to do as they please with my image,"he said. "I have not made a profit from "Approval Guy" and nor do I plan to. On the other hand, if the opportunity arose, I wouldn't mind taking advantage of it. Becoming a meme was a positive experience and I do not mind it at all. On the other hand, if I were the Star Wars Kid or that guy who sings Numa Numa, I wouldn't show up in public...ever." Sometimes it is just dumb luck.

And: On the heels of the success of Betty White’s hosting gig on Saturday Night Live, Facebook users have continued to go apeshit about creating groups for other events that she should host. From the Emmys to the Academy Awards (which the Academy confirmed won’t be happening), this chuckleheads are trying to put her on anything that has a host. So with that said, it's hilarious to see some people take it to the next level - the Get Betty White to Host an Alien Parasite group.

Betty White is a woman that has proved capable of handling anything. From her Emmy winning television performances to her knee slapping appearance on Saturday Night Live, she morphs into each role with perfection and ease. Now we are asking her to play mother to one last character, a xenomorph that will carry on her genetic line to become an ultimate killing machine. Join this group to support the addition of Betty White to the cast of the untitled Alien prequel!

Sure you loved her in Golden Girls and The Proposal, but let an old lady rest. It was a good stunt that worked, now let's stop asking her to repeat it. Evel Knievel had the same problem not knowing when to walk away, and you know she'll eventually end up with a shattered hip like him.

Best picture of the week:

From "9 alternative jobs for Lindsay Lohan"

Best bonus links:

• BBC Children's TV Character Seems To Say Fuck Your Mother In Mandarin - At least it will quell the ethnic tension with with Middle Eastern and Muslin population...they far outnumber the Chinese in Britain. I believe they're even outnumbered by the royals.

• Saving Throw Versus Total Refreshment - Will this replace the ubiquitous 50' rope that never gets used? If there is a large proliferation, no one will ever need to go to taverns - how will quests begin?

• Lewis Black Destroys Glenn Beck - Fuck Glenn Beck. And Lewis Black does. Hard. On television.

• Homeless Buy A One-Way Ticket to Hawaii - That's not as many bottles collected as you may think. and if I was a homeless scumbag, I would absolutely head to the islands and be a literal beach bum.

• Seacrest Wannabe Caught Plagiarizing Movie Reviews - There's little original on the interweb, but you've got to do better than reading someone's stuff verbatim for a YouTube video. And now you'll understand this sweet quote: “Young girls have gotten so corruptible these days, I wanted to see how corruptible they could be. I didn’t mean any harm. Anyway, yadda yadda yadda, your daughter’s in my crawlspace.”.

• Infrasound: The Sound Too Awesome For Us To Hear - That should be the title of the next MAGNA album, but this is more scientific. Not that the recent batch of tunes isn't a miracle of the modern world.

• Muhammad Cartoonist 'Head-Butted' During Lecture - How much easier would his life had been if he was only mocking Annie...those few fans are too feeble to walk, let alone head butt.

• 'Hangover' Molecule In Brain Found - And it doesn't look like Tairy Greene (how'd ya like that twist o' reference?). Now that we found it, can we eliminate it?

• Texas Teacher Totally Whomps Some Little Kid - Charter schools will be the scholastic paradigm of the future!

• Study: Female Touch Can Influence Decisions, Behavior - This was conducted at the Spearmint Rhino, and those lapdances were the most persuasive the subjects had ever had..

• Portal Is Free! - Want an awesome puzzle game for the PC or Mac. Of course you do!

• China Scientists Find Use For Cigarette Butts - Are they eating them? Using them as birth control? Building a giant nicotine wall? What could they have come up with?

• Roman Polanski Hit By Fresh Sex Allegations - The younger, the fresher - that's what Roman always says. We Americans just don't get that European lifestyle...

• Pope Blames 'Terrifying' Sex Abuse On Catholic Church - Finally, they acknowledge they have a problem. Savor it, because that's the last you'll ever hear of it...the blame, not the continuing problem.

• Undie Running At Texas - UCLA has long had this tradition, which helps me get to know my neighbors better. But I'm not a snob...I don't mind meeting people from outside the state.

• Afghanistan Opium Poppies Hit By Mysterious Disease - It's called supply and demand. And now your black tar is going to cost more since it is becoming "scarce". Everybody, quickly switch to a different opiate!

• When I’m Too Lazy To Write, You Get Tits - The lesser known but completely valid journalistic axiom "Tits or GTFO".

Worst of the week: If you're an average Joe, don't count on being an author, but if you're famous, it's easy!

Damon Wayans has penned Red Hats, a story about bitter widow who finds new life after being taken in by a Red Hat Society group. For those of you under the age of sixty everybody, Red Hats is a worldwide social organization for women. In the book, Wayans calls them "Sex and the City for old biddies." Chortle! He's still got it! Wayans dedicated his book to his mother, Elvira, who took up with them, and likely had some real events altered for his story.

Though I can't see who wants to read a version of How Stella Got Older Groove Back, at least Wayan's genesis of the tale is interesting.

"I was stuck as an artist in terms of what I wanted to do next. When you do TV and you get into syndication, you get lazy. ... So I went to Europe. I was kind of frustrated. I ran into Lionel Richie at a restaurant and he was like, 'We all get so caught up as artists trying to do something so extraordinary that we get lost.' He took me to see Dita Von Teese and she came out and she stripped down to some pasties and a diamond G-string. The crowd was going crazy and Lionel turns to me and he goes, 'See? You just show them what they want to see. You don't show them too much. That's it'."

In fact, I guarentee that bizarre is better than any passage you'll read in that book. But there's even worse fare out there. Tyra Banks has a book coming out, and she was able to say this with a straight face.

"It’s my novel called Modelland (pronounced “Model Land”) that takes you to a fantastical place you’ve never seen, or heard about, or read about before… Where dreams come true and life can change in the blink of a smoky eye.”

No shit it's pronounced "model land"...I didn't think it sounded out "war and peace". She plans on stretching this retarded premise into a series will follow a teenager who gets into an exclusive modeling academy for “Intoxibellas”. Really? And who are they? Models with special powers, dumbass! As usual, Tyler wrote a few lines that will surpass anything her ghost writers can concoct:

It’s a land of models, and this dimwitted bitch named it “model land”. It would be like if Harry Potter went to “Magicschool”. JK Rowling would go through French gardening books and Greek mythology to find interesting names. “Dumbledore” is an old word for “bumblebee”, for example. Like the books or not, at least Rowling wanted to be creative. But fuck that. Why bother? Just type what something is. That’s just as good. If Tyra wrote Star Wars, “MainCharacter” would fight “HalfRobotMan”. Oohh, weeeee, I’m being whisked away into a world of imagination.

But really that’s a minor point. Because yes. Yes we have seen a place like this before. There are literally dozens of books exactly like it. 


“Hey kid, you’re magic.”

“Who me? Oh no sir, there must be a mistake. I’m ordinary.”

(200 pages later.)

“Hooray! Though I am small and was over matched by a vastly superior foe, my magic has saved the day!”

Thank god no one in this country can read anymore.

Plus: It's hard not to continue to root for Dubai and the rest of the garish billionaire-states of the Persian Gulf to fail.

Beneath the gold-coated ceilings of Abu Dhabi's Emirates Palace hotel, "where royalty and billionaires come for cappuccinos topped with gold flakes", they've installed and ATM that dispenses pure gold. Because sometimes ton of money just doesn't make you like like a big enough douche..

"The reason we chose Emirates Palace is because it really fits with the surroundings here," said Thomas Geissler, creator of the "Gold to Go" brand of useless, expensive shit. "All the gold is imported from Germany, and soon we will have a customized gold bar with a print of the Emirates Palace logo, which will be a nice souvenir for guests to take home."Though you're less likely to be punched in the face for your obnoxiousness if you jsut share a few photos of local sites.

The exterior of the machine is coated with a thin layer of gold (paint, I'm sure) and offers customers 320 items to choose from, ranging from gold bars that can weigh up to 10 grams, to customized gold coins. Through a computer system, the gold ATM updates the gold price every 10 minutes to match international markets. For now, it takes notes of the local dirham currency, but the option of using credit cards will soon be introduced.

The cash-for-gold machines were first tested in Germany ilast year, but they chose Abu Dhabi for the official launch because of the region's high concentration of insecure, ego driven moguls needing to compensate for small penises. "On the first night we had a lot of demand," he said. "One customer even bought one item of every product we have." Ah, a micropenis.

And: It's okay if you love your children but are not fit to raise them. You've given us an easy way to identify you - their names.

The Social Security Administration has released its list of 2009's most popular baby names, and the leading choices were Isabella and Jacob. Many media outlets are wanking that both names just happen to belong to main characters in the Twilight, and gives them an excuse to use one of those pictures and talk about vampires but it's hardly the case.

Isabella has been trending steadily upward since the 1990s, and Jacob has been in the top spot for 10 years in a row (clearly predating that 2005's craptastic series). They also point to Cullen, rhe last name of the main vampire which jumped 297 spots in one year and is now the 485th most popular first name for a baby boy. Sorry, but that hack writer just happened to use a last name that wasn't such a hard surname. But if people want to name their kid Johnston or Richardson or Moylan too, that's fine.

Girls born in the 1980's/90's were given perky, peppy monikers that ended in y or ie - Tiffany, Ashley, Katie, Brittany, but they've recently changed to a soft, feminine ending: Isabella, Emma, Kayla and Ella. Sociologists and journalists often propose theories about child names, making their unfounded speculation only good for undermining their skill and professions. CBS News once asserted that Emma became popular in 2002 because Jennifer Aniston's character named her child that on Friends. But Emma had been on the rise since the 1980s and broke into the top 20 a full three years before the show in question.

We are still idiots here, but 3,000 parents in the UK were surveyed, and 20% admitted they regret naming their kid a trendy, stupid name. Many said they wish they'd picked a less popular name, while one in 10 added they chose a quirky moniker only to have the novelty quickly wear off. The (rightful) backlash could be because 15% of parents say their baby's name has sparked amusement from friends and relatives - and one in five have felt scorn from a stranger. Serves you right for naming them Miley.

Some of the more regretted boys' names in the British survey were Oliver and Alfie and Thomas, while girls had Chloe and Ruby. Take a look at last year's most popular baby names and you'll find a crop of names you'll hate in the coming decade.

Worst picture of the week:

It’s just an “African-American” action figure, not Obama, even though they have the exact same face

Worst bonus links:

• Top CEOs Getting A Once-In-A-Lifetime Pay Bonanza - The only way this could be good news is if it was follow by a once-in-a-lifetime ass-kicking. Something so brutal that it would take painful years of rehabilitation and corrective surgery to make them even a shadow of their former selves.

• The Next Playboy Centerfold Will Be In 3D - But it won't look any better than the last decade's worth of women with huge, stupid looking fake racks.

• Tough-Guy Dappy Loves Iggle Piggle / New Pappy Dappy Unhappy - Is that even english? Actually, it's English, and thats how their tabloids handle their headers. And it is a laughably retarded as the names suggest.

• A Plan To Cover All Of Africa With Wi-Fi Access - Here's a better plan: cover all of Africa with food and shelter and no diseases. I think they'll like that more than being able to send e-mails.

• Report: Winnipeg's Return Means Avalanche In Pacific Division - It was bad enough that Phoenix finally became a threat this year, but to boot them back to their original spot makes the west a deadly mess. Sending a solid Colorado team to join San Jose, Anaheim, and Dallas will make life for the Kings much harder.

• Half Of Russians Believe Bribery Solves Problems - But, for the right amount, they could be pursuaded to change their minds.

• Michael Jackson Is Still Alive And Posing As A Burn Victim - It's just crazy enough to work...nah, are you fucking kidding? That's insane, even for Michael Jackson.

• L.A.'s Homeboy Industries Lays Off Most Employees - Adios, mang!

• Will An Errant Satellite Interrupt The Lost Finale? - I will be very pissed off if I can't watch it, that that would also be a funny as hell programming accient on par with the Super Bowl / Heidi debacle.

• 'Law & Order' Is Canceled By NBC - How sad we're only left with their new Law & Order: Los Angeles and season 12 of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.

• LaBeouf Promises Better Transformers Next Time - Both of those movies were huge pieces of SFX shit. The only way to make one better is to not make one.

• Woman Startled By Demonic Face On Canned Pear, Wants Recompense From Company - C'mon, lady...what did you expect when you bought Satan's Pears Of Damnation?

• 7 Children Killed In Latest Attack At China School - I understand that the emerging superpower is trying to establish itself as a world leader, but enough already with the child murdering. You're winning a category no one else wants to play in, so move on.

• 4 Die After Quebec Home Falls In Sinkhole / Ice Hockey Mayhem In Montreal Brings 41 Arrests - Somehow, I'm developing a fear of Canada, but I'm sure everything will be fine by the time the Canadian GP rolls around, eh.

• Woman Invented Kidnap Hoax To Avoid Telling Parents She Would Not Graduate From UCLA, Police Say - How badly do you want to be the fly on the wall for that explanation of where tuition went for the past year and a half?

• Facebook’s Gone Rogue; It’s Time For An Open Alternative Epicenter - Time to send in Jack Bauer to save the nation and social networking from evil influences! Or, maybe we should do less virtual friendship and more real relationships.

• Tiger Woods' Neighbor Launches Web Site With Accusations About Golf Star - You want to out your famous neighbor as a scumbag? Fine. You want to do that as a pay site? Now who's the scumbag?

Now She Can Get Back To Being Nude And Obnoxious

A federal court ruled over the weekend that the measles-mumps-rubella (MMR) vaccine does not cause autism. So will that be enough to prevent a new era of deadly but preventable epidemics? Now shut the fuck up Jenny McCarthy, and make yourself useful.

The federal "vaccines court" ruled in three different cases that not only does the MMR vaccine not cause autism, but neither does a mercury-containing additive, thimerosal, that was in the vaccine until 2001.

Special Master (awesome title)Denise Vowell wrote in one of the decisions: "Petitioners propose effects from mercury in [vaccines] that do not resemble mercury's known effects in the brain, either behaviorally or at the cellular level. To prevail, they must show that the exquisitely small amounts of mercury in [vaccines] that reach the brain can produce devastating effects that far larger amounts experienced prenatally or postnatally from other sources do not. "

In a separate ruling, Special Master George Hastings wrote: "This case . . . is not a close case. The overall weight of the evidence is overwhelmingly contrary to the petitioners' causation theories. "

But this won't stop the conspiracy theorists from insisting that correlation means causation. The plaintiffs in the cases claimed the federal government "funds the science that exonerates" the vaccine industry, and defends vaccines in court. Misinformed and claiming conspiracies? Oh yeah!

Sure, it's easy to be freaked out by the possibility that the vaccines could be causing autism spectrum disorder, which now afflicts one in 110 children, but doctors say it's typical for that disorder to manifest around 15 months - right around the time that children are vaccinated. And all the idiots then jump to conclusions. The refusal to vaccinate is likely to spark a new rash of cases of meningitis, whooping cough, polio and other diseases we had almost wiped out completely. Already, cases of measles, pertussis, meningitis and whooping cough have been linked to delayed or avoided vaccinations, it's likely to keep getting worse.

If you really want to blame something for autism in children, says pediatric development specialist Dr. Leslie Rubin, blame all of the toxins in the environment, including prenatal exposure to phthalates in perfume, makeup and nail polish. Wait, blame the mothers? They would never take that kind of responsibility when they can point the finger elsewhere.

Dicktionary

After a parent complained about an elementary school student stumbling across "oral sex" in a classroom dictionary, Menifee Union School District officials decided to pull Merriam Webster's 10th edition from all school shelves earlier this week. What a bunch of fucktards.

School officials will review the dictionary to decide if it should be permanently banned because of the "sexually graphic" entry, said a district spokeswoman. Yes, the goddamned dictionary. The books were initially purchased a few years ago for fourth- and fifth-grade classrooms districtwide. Because they are dictionaries.

Meanwhile, some parents are questioning the district's response and some school board members are asking why officials did not consult with them. One member Rita questioned why one parent's complaint would lead the district to pull the dictionaries. "If we're going to pull a book because it has something on oral sex, then every book in the library with that better be pulled," she said. "The standard needs to be consistent ... We don't need parents setting policy."

Then there's other board members who disagree. One, an elementary school teacher and parent to four daughters in Menifee schools, said he supports the initial decision to ban the dictionary temporarily. He added it's "a prestigious dictionary that's used in the Riverside County spelling bee, but I also imagine there are words in there of concern." A dictionary should be a book of concern in the inland, inbred part of Riverside County. Knowledge down there is treated like a toxic element.

The Merriam Webster dictionary joins an illustrious set of books that have been banned or challenged in the US, including Nobel prize winner Toni Morrison's Song of Solomon, which last year was suspended from and then reinstated to the curriculum at a Michigan school after complaints from parents about its coverage of graphic sex and violence, and titles by Khaled Hosseini and Philip Pullman, included in the American Library Association's list of books that inspired most complaints last year.

'Twas The Weekend Before Christmas

All I want to know is what happened to 2009? Damn that went fast. And I totally wasn't taking any drugs that would have left gaping holes in my memory either.

Best of the week: A Christmas Story!

You can watch the news clip here, but it's way more awesome to read the tale of Hayden Wright.

April Wright is 21 and is going through a divorce, and she's not sure how her 4-year-old managed to get out of the house, open a beer, and steal the neighbors presents from under their tree. Nope, it's not Florida...it's Tennessee!

Hayden Wright, was found around 1:45 am Tuesday, wandering the streets of his neighborhood. The police report says the child had to be taken to the hospital to be treated for alcohol consumption. April Wright said her "biggest concern was him being out there, getting kidnapped, getting run over, the alcohol, having to have his stomach pumped." Clearly, being a pregnant 17 year old and divorced by the drinking age was not a concern anymore.

Wright says she woke up that night at 1:45 am and panicked when she found Hayden was gone. She says she put safety devices on all the doors so her kids couldn't get out, but Hayden was able to break the safety device off the doorknob and get outside. I don't know what shitshack she lives in, but there are these things called locks - not "doorknob safety devices", and they tend to keep kids out - or in, if you use them right. Once out, Wright says her four year old followed his father's footsteps and was found on Blue Spruce Road, drinking. I wish I could make my father that proud.

"He runs away trying to find his father," she said. "He wants to get in trouble so he can go to jail because that's where his daddy is." You raised a hell of a kid, lady, and now you can move on to other things, like killing yourself before you breed again - which is a near certainty for you.

The Hamilton County Sheriff's Office report says Hayden rang the doorbell a few houses down and the neighbor answered, finding the child holding a partially consumeed 12-ounce beer. Wright said, "He got it out of my father's cooler (what stereotype is untouched in this story?)in the back and how he got it open I don't understand because it was one of those tab beers." You think that when you're piss drunk, you're capable of doing anything more difficult than a 4-year-old? There's your answer.

But it doesn't stop there. The report said Hayden then snuck into a neighbor's house through an unlocked front door, and stole five wrapped Christmas gifts. One was a girl's brown dress which Hayden was wearing when police found him. What the fuck? Thanks, shitty neighbor...just send my kid on his way when he rings the doorbell in the middle of the night and is carrying a beer.

"Going to the neighbor's house and taking their presents, very embarrassing," said April.

She admits she was not just embarrassed, but scared, and rushed to the hospital that night with Hayden. She said she tries to be a good mother and loves her son, but now feels like a failure. She's right! Wright did meet with child protective services today who told her she will get to keep custody of Hayden. Expect the kid dead within a year, or a teen pregnancy / abused girlfriend tale when the kid hits 16.

I didn’t get into drinking, burglary and cross-dressing until I was a freshman in college. Ask JCG - he'll confirm all of it (and was an accomplice).

Also: The estimated time when whites will no longer make up the majority of Americans has been pushed back eight years — to 2050 — because the recession and stricter immigration policies have slowed the flow of foreigners into the U.S. Also, those Duggars plopped out a 19th kid and are starting to be grandparents.

This changes last year's prediction that white children would become a minority in 2023 and the overall white population would follow in 2042, so if you want your children to learn English in schools, best have them soon. The 2050 estimate is one of four projections released that is based on rates for births and deaths and a scenario in which immigration continues its more recent, slower pace of adding nearly 1 million new foreigners each year. Demographers said that scenario offers the best look for now at the future demographic makeup based on current conditions, rather than other models which assume higher rates of immigration.

The United States has 308 million people today; two-thirds are non-Hispanic whites. Is there such as thing has a Hispanic white? Other than Ned "Carlos Mencia" Holness? The total population should climb to 399 million by 2050, under the new projection, with whites making up 49.9% of the population. Blacks will make up 12.2%, virtually unchanged from today (so much fro progress, eh). Hispanics, currently 15% of the population, will rise to 28 percent in 2050. I know it's not something in the water, because you can't drink the water...so stop fucking! Asians are expected to increase from 4.4% of the population to 6%.

The population 85 and older is projected to more than triple by 2050, to 18.6 million. The actual shift in demographics will be influenced by a host of factors that can't be accurately forecast — the pace of the economic recovery, cultural changes, war with Skynet, natural disasters, as well as an overhaul of immigration law, which may be debated in Congress as early as next year. As a result, the Census Bureau said the projections should be used mostly as a guide.

Under a purely theoretical (read: Republican prayers) "zero immigration" scenario in which the U.S. effectively does not take in any immigrants, whites would remain the majority in 2050, making up a solid 58% of the U.S. population. In such a case, the share of Hispanics would increase to 21%. Under a "zero immigration" model, the 65 and older population also grows substantially faster, comprising nearly 1 in 4 Americans.

Plus: The Chinese police captain who named his subordinate a "martyr" after he died from a drinking binge has been suspended. Also to be recinded, the Medal Of Valor for the officer who unclogged the toilet at the station house.

Traffic officer Chen Lusheng (lush...that's rich) was off-duty when he attended a banquet with officials in late October. After repeated toasts, he vomited and passed out on a couch, where he suffocated. At college, he'd be called a freshman.

His captain, Xie Feiyong, attempted to declare Chen a martyr, in order to get higher compensation for his family and possibly to avert any investigation into his death. He was suspended from duty on Tuesday. Shenzhen police told local media the policeman was a victim of China's infamous Chinese business banquet ganbei or "bottoms up" culture, where diners attempt to out-drink each other to gain concessions. They did not explain why Chen was attending the banquet in the first place.

Forced drinking is so widespread that workplace injuries regulations in the southwestern city of Chongqing were recently amended to classify deaths caused by drinking as "workplace accidents" bosses send staff out drinking for business. Man, workers comp fees must be through the roof! Xie argued that Chen died in a work-related incident and that there was nothing wrong in wanting to leave behind a glorious legacy for his colleague. And this is the same country that has poisonous food and toxic medicine (referenced so many times on this site you can find your own damn links)

The application for the posthumous honor was denied by the District Brigade, on grounds that Chen died neither in the line of duty nor during work hours. That didn't stop Chen's family from demanding $703,200 in compensation because their son was a little bitch who couldn't hold his liquor.

And: A Costco in Utah pulled tomatoes off the shelves during a visit by Sarah Palin, after the Alaska Governor was pelted with the fruit on a stop at the Mall of America. Surely there's got to be something else in that giant warehouse we can throw at her?

Shoppers at the Salt Lake City Costco to do some shopping were mostly unaware that Palin was scheduled to be there for a book signing, and a store said the tomatoes were taken off the shelves for a few hours. Management at the Costco was determined it wouldn't happen there. You may have won this round Costco, but you can't keep people from bringing their own vegetables. Or hurling poo like a monkey.

Best picture of the week:

Hi there Nicole Cocaineman

Bonus picture:

totally impractical and posed, but hilarious

Best bonus links:
• Magna: Dreamed Or Dreamt - A sweet little performance shot in the aftermath of the Krampus-eselsraub
• CA Man Convicted Of Throwing Wife Off Cliff - It was the 13 day itch.
• VT Court Eyes Value Of Love Of Man's Best Friend - Here's a simple test of dog and woman: lock both in your trunk for a few hours, and see who's still happy to see you open it.
• Man Delivers Baby With Instructions Found On Internet - Coincidentally, he found a lot of info about how to make one on the interweb too.

Worst of the week: There is a movie coming out, and it is called Avatar.

Why so bent over the movie that the media is saying will change filmaking and what was already being called the biggest movie of 2009 over a year ago? (For the record, the I think there's some competition from Anal Acrobats 4).

Simple...overkill.

Catch a glimpse of an image or two, and it looks kinda cool - but if you see it more than once it starts to lose it's magic. And then you wonder why it took so long for James Cameron to make this movie. He's a technical genius, but after more than a decade, there's some letdowns.

Like the rehased story elements, for example. Cameron himself admits to a connection to At Play In The Fields Of The Lord and The Emerald Forest, which feature clashes between cultures and civilizations, and acknowledged the film's connection with Dances With Wolves, where a battered soldier finds himself drawn to the tribal culture he was initially fighting against. It's also in the same vein as ainmated films like Fern Gully and Pocahontas. Even the elements of that in Apocalypse Now where Kurtz goes native are embedded within more complex themes. You've also got a long road to cover with the parallels to literature, starting with Poul Anderson's 1957 short story Call Me Joe, where a paralyzed man uses his mind to remotely control an alien body.

Also, the big deal in the story is "unobtainium", the rare element that coincidentally hapens to be under the alien homestead. Yes, they went that way. I'm okay with Jolt cola having a moniker that describes the contents, but unobtainium is just fucking stupid, no matter how you slice it. May as well have called it impossiblium or rarellium if you're just going to do that. At least going to ludicrous speed was funny. The only way I figure Giovanni Ribisi can even say unobtainium with a straight face is because he's a Scientologist, and they have to buy into even more ridiculous shit than that.

And then there's the straight rip off of other elements. Sure, science fiction canabalizes itself and recycles portions, but using visual and stylistic elements take the luster off the design. Especially when they're painfully similar to what was the biggest animated flop ever, Delgo.

First of all, both films have heroic male leads who sprint through woodsy shadows in foreign lands.

Both films feature tough but emotional female leads.

Both films feature those female leads (among others) flying on the backs of winged reptilian beasts.


Both films feature aircraft zooming through fields of massive floating rocks.

Both films feature big, scary, fanged monsters of various types threatening their heroes.

Both films feature alien warriors uncorking their fiercest battle cries.

And both films feature all of the above as individual hurdles in the undying quest for love.

Oh, and both films harbored ambition and vision that required the better part of a decade to produce. Coincidence? If the Enterprise and Millenium Falcon looked the same, both franchises would be dead. Knowing that there's something so similar doesn't garner any excitement for the film. Sure, I'll take advantage if the THX, 3-D IMAX screening and watch the most robust version they're putting out, but that's incredibly low on my list of things to do.

Also: Tiger Woods > 9/11

Today was an especially dubious day for Tiger Woods. It wasn't just that TAG Heuer dropped him or that more skanks and their outrageous claims popped up. It was the 20th consecutive day that Tiger Woods news made the front cover (not the sports page cover) of the New York Post.

The last event to make the tabloids front page 19 straight times? The 9/11 attacks. Those were a pretty big deal, right?

The "Fall of Tiger Woods" keeps afloat somehow like a shitty beach ball in a baseball stadium. when will security grab it? The Post is barely considered journalism anyway, but seriously? Can't we let OJ out so he can commit another crime and reclaim the alpha tragic black athelete crown?

Plus: The growing number of contractors in Afghanistan is outpacing the ability to oversee them, raising concerns that the waste and fraud that marred the U.S. mission in Iraq will be repeated. A manufactured war by Bush-era profiteers might be lining the pockets of their constiuents? What a shock.

There are already more than 100,000 Defense Department contractors in Afghanistan and that figure could grow to 160,000 to support the surge of U.S. troops ordered by President Barack Obama earlier this month. Evidence suggests that the hard lessons learned in Iraq are not being applied in Afghanistan.

The Defense Contract Audit Agency has examined $5.9 billion in Afghanistan troop support contracts and determined that $950 million of the expenses were unreasonable or lacked adequate documentation to support them, according to a memo distributed to Senate subcommittee members. That's nearly one of every six dollars, math whizes.

There are also too few contract managers and oversight personnel overseeing spending in Afghanistan by the Defense Department and other U.S. agencies, according to the staff memo. The hiring budget for the defense audit agency has remained "relatively stagnant" as spending in Afghanistan increases. Overall, the Defense and State Departments and the U.S. Agency for International Development have spent more than $23 billion on contracts in Afghanistan since 2002, the subcommittee said.

Dick Cheney is worse than Osama Bin Laden, and the real kicker is we know where Cheney is and nobody has killed him.

And: Speaking of losing the war on terror....insurgents in Iraq and Afghanistan have hacked into live video feeds from Predator drones. Oops.

Though militants could see the video, there is no evidence they were able to jam the electronic signals from the unmanned aerial craft or take control of the vehicles, a senior defense official said. I guess they'll get to watch their last moments before a missile blasts them. But obtaining the video feeds can provide insurgents with critical information about what the military may be targeting, including buildings, roads and other facilities.

Shiite fighters in Iraq used off-the-shelf software programs such as SkyGrabber — available for as little as $25.95 on the Internet — to regularly capture drone video feeds. The interception, first done there at least a year ago, was possible because the remotely flown planes had unprotected communications links. Within the last several months, the military has found evidence of at least one instance where insurgents in Afghanistan also monitored U.S. drone video, a second defense official said. He had no details on how many times it was done in Afghanistan or by which group.

The Defense Department has addressed the issue, and is working to encrypt all of its drone video feeds from Iraq, Afghanistan and Pakistan. One defense official noted that upgrading the encryption in the drones is a lengthy process because there are at least 600 unmanned vehicles along with thousands of ground stations to address. "This was just one of the signals, a broadcast signal, and there was no hacking. It is the interception of a broadcast signal," they said. The problem is that when the drones were first being developed they were using commercial equipment, which as time goes on could become vulnerable to intercepts.

In December 2008, the military apprehended a Shiite militant in Iraq whose laptop contained files of intercepted drone video feeds, and in July, they found pirated feeds on other militant laptops. The military has known about the vulnerability for more than a decade, but assumed adversaries would not be able to exploit it. And that's the same reasoning the made security offficals not think lightning would strike the WTC three times.

Worst picture(s) of the week:

Spencer Pratt, you're a fag.

Worst bonus links:
• Poland: Auschwitz 'Arbeit Macht Frei' sign stolen - You can take apart the camp, but you can never erase history.
• Kids' Swine Flu Shots Recalled; Not Strong Enough - Ask any of those kids getting a needle in the arm and they'll tell you it's strong enough.
• R.I.P. Alien Screenwriter Dan O'Bannon - Via con Dios, Pinback.
• Kevin Costner Marks 20th Anniversary Of Field Of Dreams - He had a sub sandwich and took a nap that day. And wished his career was as big as it was 20 years ago.
• Bengals' Henry Dies Day After Dispute - To be correct, it wasn't the dispute that killed him, it was falling out of the back of a moving truck.