Bane Of The Intelligent

It's been forever since the talking heads from the red state mindset have been relevant, let alone newsworthy, but from the shitheap that Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity fester in, the grandaddy of right-wing mouthpieces, Rush Limbaugh, has decided to make sure there's nothing intelligent or relevant he has to say.  Here's from the moron himself:

"Have you heard this new movie, the Batman movie, what is it, The Dark Knight Lights Up or whatever the name is. That’s right, Dark Knight Rises. Lights Up, same thing. Do you know the name of the villain in this movie? Bane. The villain in The Dark Knight Rises is named Bane, B-a-n-e. What is the name of the venture capital firm that Romney ran and around which there’s now this make-believe controversy? Bain. The movie has been in the works for a long time. The release date’s been known, summer 2012 for a long time. Do you think that it is accidental that the name of the really vicious fire breathing four eyed whatever it is villain in this movie is named Bane? 

So, anyway, this evil villain in the new Batman movie is named Bane. And there’s now a discussion out there as to whether or not this is purposeful and whether or not it will influence voters. It’s gonna have a lot of people. This movie, the audience is gonna be huge. A lot of people are gonna see the movie, and it’s a lot of brain-dead people, entertainment, the pop culture crowd, and they’re gonna hear Bane in the movie and they’re gonna associate Bain. The thought is that when they start paying attention to the campaign later in the year, and Obama and the Democrats keep talking about Bain, Romney and Bain, that these people will think back to the Batman movie, 'Oh, yeah, I know who that is.'  There are some people who think it’ll work. Others think you’re really underestimating the American people to think that will work."

Yep, you're right...and holy fuck, if you are somebody who hears that and agrees, you should have your right to vote revoked due to your massive, permanent brain damage.

Maybe They Ought To Go To One Standard

According to the Mayan calendar, the world will end on December 21 of this year.  And also not.

Apparently, a newly uncovered Mayan calendar is said to be the oldest known one in existence, and was found at a site in Guatemala by Boston University archaeologist William Saturno.  You see, the Mayan calendar is broken down into "baktuns" which equal 400 years, and their popular lore says our world was created over 12 baktuns ago - but will end once the 13th completes (12/21/12).  That's all fine and good, except the newly discovered Mayan calendar has cycles of time recording 17 baktuns, rather than the typical 13 that we usually hear about.

So even though scientists and Mayans all disagree with the the 13 baktun cycle, this new, older calendar seems to overrule that dilemma - for at least another century and a half.  So don't nobody worry - just get a second opinion with a second calendar!

Miss Disqualified

Vancouver native Jenna Talackova is not going to win the Miss Universe Canada pageant on account of her penis.

Talackova, who regards herself as a “woman...with a history,” recognized herself as a female at an early age of four, underwent hormone therapy at 14 and gender reassignment surgery at 19...and was disqualified after judges found out she was not a “naturally born" female.  And they didn't know this until she reached the finals of the competition.  The 23-year-old believes she is “disqualified for being born,” has apparently been vocal about her transsexual past. The organizers counter that she registered for the pageant claiming that she was born female.

Considering that the pageant is owned by Donald Trump, and he's trying to pass that thing off as hair, he shouldn't be quick to judge what parts people have.

Reebok has agreed to pay $25 million to settle unsupported claims their "toning shoes" could make fat asses less so.

Reebok's advertisements said the shoes strengthened hamstrings and calves by up to 11% more than regular sneakers, and toned the buttocks up to 28% more. That was based on clever salesmen, and not any real studies.

The ads were pulled once an investigation was launched into the claims, though Adidas, who owns Reebok, disagreed with the FTC and stood behind the shoes. The toning shoes were designed to be slightly unstable, and the instability requires the wearer to work harder, thus strengthening muscles. But 11 to 28 percent more?

Since 2009, they've sold millions of pairs in the United States alone, which likely covers the consumer refunds. Competitors like New Balance, Skechers, Ryka and Avia sell similar types of footwear that can fetch up to $300...and lawsuits are forthcoming regarding their products.

Parade-triots

While underage drinking by boys is said to double over this holiday weekend, and the beach cities to my south are expected to have nearly 400,000 flocking to festivities, there's one 4th of July report I'm not so quick to believe...

A recent Harvard study asserts that attending Fourth of July parades makes you more likely to identify as a Republican, vote Republican, vote period, and give money to political causes.  So now celebrating your nation makes you a conservative? 

The researchers noted that "the political Right has been more successful in appropriating American patriotism and its symbols during the 20th century" - which is pretty obvious, considering Republicans and conservatives grandstand on iconic, historical elements as part of their unchanging support of what they consider traditional values. There's a reason they're touted as the party of rich old white men - they keep it old school. But they suggest "there is a political congruence between the patriotism promoted on Fourth of July and the values associated with the Republican Party." Hmmm, why don't you ask a guy born on the fourth and we'll see...

The study postulated that Republicans tend to be more invested in the celebrations, and that GOP-dominated areas have "more politically biased" parades that "socialize children into Republicans." Well, you would expect a political faction that has attempted to co-opt patriotism as an extension of their their own to be more adamant about using that concept as tool to shape young minds to their cause. And I have no doubt that they have overt bias towards Republican rhetoric in their parades. I won't try to describe the bizarre way they've tied rain (which can cancel or diminish attendance at parades) into their unsound equation, but they claim children who attend at least one rain-free Fourth of July parade before age 18 are:

• two percent more likely to identify as Republican in adulthood

• four percent more likely to vote Republican by age 40

• about one percent more likely to vote at all

• three percent more generous with campaign contributions

But if July 4 celebrations appeared to have "a permanent impact on political beliefs and behavior", why are the numbers almost spilt between Democratic and Republican sides? If the authors claim, “In 2010, an estimated 144 million Americans age 18 or older celebrated Fourth of July by attending a barbecue. Another 98 million watched the fireworks or went to a community festivity, while more than 28 million saw a parade,” then surely a significant number of those people had done the same before they were 18 in the years prior. Yet there's only a negligible, single digit increase in Republican identification and behavior.

Yes, the 4th of July is a wet dream for God fearing, gun loving, red state Americans, but fireworks and waving flags is not a sign of right-leaning political tendencies...unless the same folks who continue to make patriotism solely their own say it is.

CEO Gaga?

If you're a savvy businessperson like me, you like your information and advice coming out of Germany. And grossly incorrect.

The article "Old CEOs Can Learn A Few New Tricks From Lady Gaga", painfully tries to convince us that the singer can "school corporations in strategic innovation", based on the observations of a German business researcher.

Martin Kupp, a professor (hopefully not tenured) at the European School of Management and Technology (Berlin) expects her album "Born This Way" to end up at the top of the music charts and generate strong sales and land atop the music charts, regardless of critical reception. Wow, bold prediction! His obvious premise is based on how consumers relate to her brand, but that's where any semblance of logic ends.

"Lady Gaga blurs the industry boundaries and it's not really clear if she's a musician, artist or fashion designer," said Kupp. Actually, it's absolutely clear - how the hell are you a professor and not be able to differentiate? She's a musician. Just like Britany Spears, Cher, and Jessica Simpson. And like them, she is marketing her brand, because being a popular pop singer is a licensing licence to print money. They're not making their fragrances or clothing - they just have final approval before their name goes on it. Of course that would go over the head of a guy who recently wrote a book on business lessons from artists like Madonna (aka, the original Lady Gaga) and Renaissance painter Titian.

"I think there may be people out there who associate her much more with fashion or with other sorts of entertainment than music," Krupp added. Think whatever you want, asshole, and be wrong while you're at it. Lady Gaga exists as a musician first and foremost, and the rest is just using her Q to bring attention to whatever she puts her weight behind. This is Branding 101, and something that's been going on since the first days of marketing and business.

So why does Kupp and colleagues think she's the new paradigm? They made a recent case study and point to the singer's "social media strategy" as a way for businesses "to learn new methods to shake up an established industry". Wait, using social media to contact your fans? Did she invent this technique? Nope. Can we at least pretend that using the latest technological / communication advertising trend is original? Fine - but only so we can continue this critique, because harnessing new media is as old as any company putting their website address on everything. I mean, as old as companies having websites on the internet. I mean, as old as product placement and brand management in film and television. I mean, as old as cable television advertising for companies. I mean, as old as corporate sponsorship of radio and TV programs. I mean, as old as billboards. I mean, as old as companies using print advertising in newspapers.

So, by using Facebook and Twitter, Lady Gaga has "developed" fans through virtual interaction and not by "pushing traditional marketing principles of promotion, product and price onto consumers", says Kupp. Sorry, that's totaly inaccurate. As a musical artist, all the fan club nonsense with autographed photos and special items goes back to the days of Elvis - and that's still promotion, and via virtual interaction. And the product, be it her albums or concerts or adult diapers is the only reason to reach out to the fan, lest you forget entertainment is a business too. He's also completely wrong about price as a factor - what other reason would demand for her new album disrupt Amazon.com servers if it wasn't a tied into a promotion for their cloud music service offering a special 99 cent price?

"Social media is not a one-way communication and I think Lady Gaga understands that," he adds. "It's more about emotions, engagement and interactivity, so she's very advanced." By the way, take a moment and learn about Advanced Genius Theory...Gaga, she's not advanced at all, and certainly no genius. And she's only the top of the Twit-heap by a less then impressive margin. Her 8,627,513 Twitter followers came over 36 months when she set up her account. For comparison, Justin Beiber racked up 7,942,954 in only 24 months. And Kim Kardashian, Ellen DeGeneres, Katy Perry, and Ashton Kutcher each have roughly 6.5 - 7 million followers too. Kupp needs to understand that Gaga didn't reinvent the wheel, let alone improve it.

He can argue that her use of social media was "to create much more intimacy than what you created with traditional marketing instruments", but that's ridiculous to say in the face of her massive beachhead of promotion for the album. Not only has Lady Gaga recently graces most major magazine covers (from Rolling Stone to Vogue), but she's appeared on every high profile show, from Oprah Winfrey to American Idol to Saturday Night Live, and debuted her own HBO concert special. Beyond the media blitz, non-traditional outlets, she's fucking everywhere:

• Starbucks is selling her album and launching a "digital scavenger hunt" for Gaga-inspired goods.

• Google Chrome had a commercial with Gaga featuring a track from the album.

• Internet clothing outlet Gilt Groupe is partnering to offer Gaga-inspired clothing and purchase of VIP performances.

• Best Buy is giving away the album free to anyone who purchases a mobile phone and signs up for a service contract.

• Zynga, creator of the popular online game FarmVille, has created GagaVille, which allows fans access to exclusive Gaga songs.

Yeah, that feels intimate.

Kupp believes that Lady Gaga's business strategy has been able to breathe life into an industry that has struggled to adapt its business model, but that's the same song and dance we've not only heard before about internet downloads and piracy and the different entertainment media facets, but also read before here again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.  Just picture my head banging against the wall rather than my fingers banging out words on the keyboard every time a moron like Kupp tries to spin that bullshit.

It's insulting to have people who are so clearly unaware of the things they're talking about act in any manner of authority on the subject. God bless Gaga for reinventing Madonna's shtick for a new generation and being successful at it, but comparing the stunts and direction of an entertainer to the methods of titans of business is pure ineptitude. Like Rupert Murdoch, Warren Buffet, Carlos Slim or Bill Gates needs to wear a meat dress or come out of an egg to promote their business. And you're even more sorely mistaken if you can't see the army of choreographers, producers, dancers, stylists, make-up artists, costumers, and designers that got into creating "Lady Gaga - the brand image", let alone the nameless, faceless lawyers, business managers, accountants, marketing execs, advertising personnel and other non-creative types that have to put the Gaga brand in play.

And to think that the days of Germans getting information all backwards and being misled were a thing of the past...

Cowboys And Interest

Most comic creators hope to move their property into the realm of film eventually, but some actually use the medium as a springboard to bigger things - even when their properties don't even exist. Rich Johnston dug into the secret origins of the future film "based" on a comic.

Years ago, Scott Rosenberg was faking interest in his "comic book" Cowboys & Aliens to get it made into a film – even though all that existed was the cover and the name. Though Variety featured the title on their cover, it passed through several studios before failing to turn into a film.  After a few years, Platinum Studios - his publisher for an unpublished idea - got the tale made into a graphic novel, hoping that a tangible comic would do what the imaginary book couldn't.

Much like the payola days of radio and the record biz, payments were made to comic book shops to generate orders by the thousands. The money would cover the ordering amount plus add a little extra for the retailer, and allowed merchants to sell the graphic novel for 50¢ (instead of the $3.99 cover price), or given away free with any comic.  Even Entertainment Weekly was unaware of the ploy, which named Cowboys & Aliens the number one graphic novel of the week.  Still, they failed to reach the achievement of being named the best selling graphic novel of the month by Diamond Comics Distributors.

Publisher Top Cow was paid to list the title under their Image banner, and as a "brokered publisher", would declare that Cowboys & Aliens was a graphic novel to try and bump it up the charts (even though it was far less than the $9.99 that Diamond usually upheld for a title to be counted as a graphic novel).  Unfortunately, it didn't work both ways for them, and Johnston's column at the time on the title lead Diamond to not count the units "purchased" for stores by Platinum Studios.  The title ended up as the twelfth best seller of the month, and eventually sparked interest enough to sell the now-real comic to filmmakers.

So what happened to all the "extra" copies that were "ordered" by the retailers?  Some are selling for over $35 on eBay due interest in the upcoming movie.

Ballon Arms Race Escalation

The Russian military has a cunning plan to deceive their enemies and save money at the same time: inflatable weapons! I wasn't aware that Russia had enemies to intimidate anymore.  Let's hope they're not up against a nation of straight pins.

Looking just like real ones, the inflatable arms are both easy to transport and quick to deploy. The decoys are a hundred times cheaper than the real thing, which means Moscow will save a lot of money...that they ought to spend on at least a few real ones. Fitting into a black duffel bag, the large sheet looks like a tent, but when attached to a pump, the plastic begins to rise and take shape. A demonstration shows how two men can "make" a Russian tank. A second balloon expands into a S-300 rocket launcher, complete with giant truck and inflatable rockets. Eventually, they will blow up MiG fighter jets and an entire Russian radar station.

The inflatables are stitched together at a former hot-air balloon factory. These state-of-the-art stand-ins are among the most advanced military decoys in the world, and much lighter and manageable than the rubber versions used in World War II - though terrible in an actual firefight. Their main asset are that they are made of a special material that tricks enemy radar and thermal imaging into thinking they are real weapons. "I'm proud to be making entire rocket-launchers and tanks for our armed forces," says a female worker who is stitching a surface-to-air missile system. "When you finish sewing them and you watch them being filled with air, it's so satisfying."  She did not comment though if the balloon arms made her feel any safer.

Doping Cycle

Forget injections - meat is the new way to get your illegal performance enhancers!

Three time Tour De France winner Alberto Contador blamed "contaminated meat" for his positive doping test. That may work if you're talking about how you got HIV, but banned substances? The bad piece of filet mignon, he says, was to blame for a "very small concentration" of the banned substance clenbuterol that was found his urine sample on July 21 during the most recent Tour.

"The idea of anyone questioning my Tour victory does not worry me," the Spanish cyclist said. "I am not going to let something like this destroy everything I have done." You mean cheating?  No, don't let that stand in your way. Contador was provisionally suspended by the International Cycling Union (the sport's governing body, not a small eastern European nation) after a World Anti-Doping Agency lab determined both A and B samples were positive. The anti-doping lab director said of the results, "Clenbuterol is a substance that has been used for over 20 to 30 years...It is not anything new. Nobody has ever suggested it is something you can take inadvertently."

Contador said the beef was brought across the border from Spain to France by a Spanish cycling organizer, Jose Luis Lopez Cerron, during a Tour rest day and at the request of the team's chef. Ah, the finger of blame rests with this meat rustler.  Cerron said he was a friend of the chef, who had complained of poor quality meat at the hotel where the team was staying. The tainted filet mignon was bought for the team in the Spanish border town of Irun. Contador and four other Astana teammates ate the beef on July 20, though he was the only one who underwent a doping test on July 21. Naturally, he ate more of the meat that day, explaining that although it wasn't normal to eat steak a day before racing, "it was too good to waste". Especially if it has clenbuterol!

Clenbuterol has anabolic properties that build muscle while burning fat. It is commonly given to horses to treat breathing problems, and medicinally it is used to treat asthma. Like stimulants such as amphetamine or ephedrine, it can increase the heart rate and body temperature. Clenbuterol is sometimes given to cows, pigs and other animals to increase their growth rate, but how much would they have give a cow for it to make it through to show up in a person who ate it?  Really, think about it.  You could take any average person eating the same farm's meat and should get a similar result...if that nonsense was true.

Cycling has long been plagued with doping scandals. Within hours of Contador's case becoming public, the UCI announced that two Spanish riders failed drug tests during the Spanish Vuelta in September, testing positive for hydroxyethyl starch, which increases blood volume. There has been no indication yet if Contador will be banned or stripped of his latest Tour title. If they did, Contador would be just the second cyclist to be forced to relinquish it - Floyd Landis, was stripped of his 2006 Tour title after a positive test. For years, Landis denied doping but admitted this spring that he used performance-enhancing drugs - and you can expect the same out of Contador.

God's Breath

Moses might not have parted the Red Sea - according to computer simulations (yawn), but rather, was potentially aided by a strong east wind that blew through the night. Uh, no.

Computer simulations (I'm gonna keep drawing attention to that), which part of a larger study on how winds affect water, showed wind could push water back at a point where a river bent to merge with a coastal lagoon. Yes, that's the grand result of teams at the National Center for Atmospheric Research and the University of Colorado (Boulder).

"The computer simulations match fairly closely with the account in Exodus," said Carl Drews. Wait - you made a computer simulation match up to a biblical account? What's next? Computer simulations of biblical battles (don't answer that, History Channel)? "The parting of the waters can be understood through fluid dynamics. The wind moves the water in a way that's in accordance with physical laws, creating a safe passage with water on two sides and then abruptly allowing the water to rush back in." Yes, douche, we understand how it works, but what proof do you have of it?

Drews and his team pinpointed a possible site south of the Mediterranean Sea for the legendary crossing, and modeled different land formations that could have existed then and perhaps led to the accounts of the sea appearing to part. So get excited for some specifically constructed conditions in order to create the desired computer simulated outcome!

Their model required a U-shaped formation of the Nile River and a shallow lagoon along the shoreline. In that precise, unverified and modeled spot, a wind of 63 miles per hour, blowing steadily for 12 hours, could have pushed back waters 6 feet deep. "This land bridge is 2 to 2.5 miles long and 3 miles wide, and it remains open for 4 hours." I've heard of a perfect storm, but does this mean there's now a perfectly made up storm?

I've also been working on some research, and in my computer simulations, I have pleasured many Hollywood starlets. My results are totally legitimate.

Lying Pants

Esquire, the hip younger brother to GQ, is more prone to misses ("the color quotient" of how much of any given color should appear in your closet in any given time - 0% brown, really?) as they are to hits, but they did address how pant manufacturers are stretching the sizing truths of their goods.

Being in the rag trade, I know that garments have a "tolerance": the +/- for any particular item to determine if the construction and size matches the design specs, and you may have anywhere from 1/2" to an inch on a waist, bust, or sleeve measurement. But this is far beyond that. The term is called "vanity sizing," and pants manufacturers are trying to flatter you. You can see from their chart that there's up to five extra inches on a size 36 pant, and I'll add that I'm not surprised that Dockers and Old Navy are at the biggest end, given the type of guy I usually see in them. Same goes for the waifs in H+M (where I'll add that I could barely find an XL dress shirt one time; 17 1/2", 34-35 should be common). Anyhow, try before you buy, since there are still some places that make pants in the correct size.

No J-Play

Playboy magazine plans to pull the plug on its Portuguese edition after it ran a photo shoot featuring Jesus Christ among topless models. That's exactly what Jesus would do!

The spread was ostensibly a tribute to Nobel Prize-winning author Jose Saramago’s The Gospel According to Jesus Christ, but the company reacted with outrage. Real outrage

The pictures show a long-haired, glowing Jesus watching two models in a lesbian clinch, standing next to a prostitute and looking over the shoulder of a woman reading a book. A final, heavily tattooed woman, appears to have died in his arms.

Theresa Hennessy, Playboy Enterprises vice president of bullshit spin public relations said, "We did not see or approve the cover and pictorial in the July issue of Playboy Portugal. It is a shocking breach of our standards and we would have not allowed it to be published if we had seen it in advance." Do they not have such a thing as editors? That's one of the worst, lying, nonsensical excuses since Apple's iPhone reception debacle. "We are in the process of terminating our agreement with the Portuguese publisher," they added, looking to absolve themselves of responsibility and blame.

Saramago’s novel is a fictional re-telling of Christ’s life, depicting him as a flawed, human character. Sounds interesting, but I'll take the Cliff Notes version. Or the pictorial. The book generated controversy among the Roman Catholic Church, who accused Saramago of depicting a "substantially anti-religious vision". However, other critics have praised it as a "deeply philosophical, provocative and compelling work". Whatever...let's see some tits!

Make your decision, and also cop a gander at an erotic take on A Clockwork Orange.

Big Ass Memorial Weekend

Barbecues! Birthdays for Herr Docktor and JCG! The last F1 race before the road trip to Montreal! Half a dozen new chairs! Are three days enough to fit it all in?

Best of the week: A British scientist says he is the first man in the world to become infected with a computer virus. Serves him right for putting his floppy disk in a corrupted drive.

Dr Mark Gasson had a chip inserted in his hand which enabled him to pass through security doors and activate his mobile phone - basically a sophisticated version of ID chips used to tag pets. And then he infected it with a virus to see how it would transfer...and it did, to external control systems. If other implanted chips had then connected to the system they too would have been corrupted.

The test is a proof of principle that has implications for a future where medical devices such as pacemakers and cochlear implants become more sophisticated, and risk being contaminated by other implants and technology.

Plus: There's billboards, bus-stop ads and television spots for Killers...but thankfully it's putrid evil won't be unleashed until it's release date. There won't be any previews: They're everywhere, featuring Katherine Heigl and Ashton Kutcher juggling guns and bantering over super-secret identities.

Critics won't see the film before it appears in theaters because it's a nasty turd, but the marketing spinsters say it's "part of a growing strategy in Hollywood that relies more on social networking to promote new releases instead of riskier movie reviews". The only thing risky about getting your film reviewed is if it's made of unwatchable suck.

Lionsgate has planned a "courtesy screening" for critics the morning the film opens. It's a tactic studios normally use when there's a guaranteed idiot niche audience, such as for horror movies or ones based on video games — the logic being that fans of the genre will show up, regardless of reviews. Is there a genre base for crappy films?

"We want to capitalize on the revolution in social media by letting audiences and critics define this film concurrently," Lionsgate said in a statement. "In today's socially connected marketplace, we all have the ability to share feedback instantly around the world. In keeping with this spirit, Lionsgate and the filmmakers want to give the opportunity to moviegoing audiences and critics alike to see Killers simultaneously, and share their thoughts in the medium of their choosing. We felt that this sense of immediacy could be a real asset in the marketing of Killers". Holy shit,that is some misdirection!

And: Music Hack Day was a full weekend of hacking in San Francisco. The main goal of MHD is to "explore and build the next generation of music applications, in which participants will conceptualize, create and present their projects". Music + software + hardware + art + the web = sounds pretty cool to me. Of particular mention is Tristan's The Swinger, a bit of code that takes any song and makes it swing. It does this by taking each beat and time-stretching the first half of each beat while time-shrinking the second half. Here's some examples:

Every Breath You Take

Enter Sandman

White Rabbit

You can convert your own at Swingify, but keep it simple - those MAGNA polyrhythms don't quite translate so smoothly.

Best picture of the week:

wherever this is, crazy shit is about to go down

Best bonus links:

• Elderly Chicago Couple Buried Alive In Trash - It's not like there's a recycling bin for them, is there?

• Lost Boys: The Thirst Trailer...Prepare Thy Greasy Sax Man - You can't kill awful, even if you stake it through the heart. I'll pay for your rental if they don't dedicate the film to Corey Haim.

• Teacher In Trouble After Students Don Klan Robes - There were not enough to share with everybody, so that's a no-no.

• Deadly, Ultra-Pure Heroin Arrives In US - Hooray! Just in time for the three day weekend!

• The 50 Prettiest Porn Stars Of All Time - I take issue with calling them the "prettiest". Or even "stars". Better enjoy them before the penis link below.

• Shark Attacks Most Likely On Sunday In 6 Feet Of Water - I never thought that I'd say going to church may actually be good for you.

• USAF Vehicle Breaks Record For Hypersonic Flight - We're going to bend the definition of vehicle to include scramjet engines launched from a plane. But it is fast!

• The Best Lost Memes, Videos, T-shirts, Fan Art, And More / A List Of Unanswered ‘Lost’ Questions / Lost Finale Got Almost As Many Viewers As Mr. Belvedere / ABC Admits Lost's Final Moments Were Meaningless - Lost may be over, but there's still lots to sink your teeth into.

• Medical Advice For Head-Bangers - Whip that head around harder? Because that's what I would have suspected.

• I Thought Fat People Were Supposed To Be Jolly - Fortunately they're still predictably disgusting.

• Angry Palin Neighbor Offered House To Journalist - Karma is a bitch, you dumb bitch next door.

• Clip Art Makes Everything Shit - If you use it, you're already abusing it.

• Lohan Makes Movie Poster, Not Movie - It was the biggest Hollywood production she could manage. In-between arrests. And clubbing.

• Government: About 45 Million Americans Don't Buckle Up - And the roads will soon be more wide open for me. Keep it up!

• People On Poppers - If you can't make it to the S&M ball, buy the book.

• Mobile Phone Number Suspended After Three Users Die In 10 Years - If you end up getting it, don't bother with call waiting.

• Re-cut: The Jesse James Nightline Interview In 20 Seconds - Essence of douchebag, distilled and concentrated.

Worst of the week: A rural Mississippi school district that was sued by a lesbian student who wanted to bring a same-sex date to the high school prom is denying accusations it routed her to a "sham prom" at a country club while most of her schoolmates partied elsewhere. Wow, that's more effort than that episode of G-Force where they made them think their plane took off when it really didn't.

The Itawamba County School District addressed the claims made by the ACLU on behalf of Constance McMillen, who attended a prom at the Fulton Country Club that drew fewer than 10 other students from her high school. Most of her classmates attended a separate event at the nearby Evergreen Community Center, to which McMillen was not invited and saw in pictures on the internet. At the time, McMillen had already sued the district over its policy banning same-sex prom dates and for canceling an April 2 school-sponsored prom after the teenager pressed to bring her girlfriend to the event and wear a tuxedo.

A District Judge had ruled in March that the district had violated McMillen's rights, but didn't force the district to reinstate the prom. District officials had told the judge that McMillen was free to attend a parent-sponsored prom, but officials "deny that the parents decided instead to hold two proms, one for the plaintiff and one for her classmates."

No date has been set for the lawsuit to go to trial, but the case has led other school districts to reconsider their prom policies. And their secret prom policies.

And: A Foxconn Technology worker tried to kill himself, becoming the 13th person to commit suicide or attempt to do so this year at the company which makes high-tech products for industry giants such as Apple, Dell and Hewlett-Packard. China, still looking to be a world leader!

Police said the man, who began working there two months ago, survived after cutting himself in his dormitory room at the factory. The 12 previous suicide attempts involved workers who jumped from buildings. Two survived, so I guess it wasn't 12 attempts, but 10 suicides and two attempts. Another worker killed himself in January at a factory in northern China, because that's team-building.

Hours earlier, a Foxconn chairman led a media tour of the industrial park and promised to work harder to prevent more deaths. Maybe they ought to lock the roof access. They showed off a motherboard factory, hot line center and even a swimming pool for employees. The walled-in industrial park, where 300,000 people work, looks like a small city, with palm tree-lined streets, fast-food restaurants, banks and a bookstore among huge factory buildings and towering dormitories. And soul crushing despair.

Safety nets were being installed on buildings and more counselors were being hired. He also said all the employees were being divided into 50-member groups, whose members would watch for signs of emotional trouble within their group. Or make a mass-suicide pact. Labor activists accuse the company of having a rigid management style, a too-fast assembly line and overwork. Foxconn denies the allegations, and noted that productivity and profits were up for the ninth straight quarter.

Worst picture of the week:

the monster stirs

Worst bonus links:

• Jamaica: 73 Killed In Hunt For Alleged Drug Lord - Take it irie, mon. Just tell dem to chill out and give up da big boss.

• Today's College Students Lack Empathy - Whatever.

• Lombardi `Not Optimistic’ On Frolov - Let the skeptical conversations begin!

• Trump Decides Winner For 'Celebrity Apprentice': Bret Michaels / Bret Michaels: I'm Ready To Party After Winning Celebrity Apprentice - Nice publicity stunt. Gary Coleman would disagree that a brain hemorrhage is smart career move, but you ride that wave, Bret.

• Father Tries To Auction Off Eight-Year-Old Son - Should have gone on eBay instead of a street corner. Though street corners don't need Paypal.

• Flood Of Frogs Shuts Down Major Greek Highway - Didn't we already have Passover? And isn't supposed to be in Egypt?

• Up In Smoke: Indonesian Child, Teen Smokers Rising / Two-Pack-A-Day Smoking Baby Totally Cooler Than You - See, Muslim fundamentalist countries do have their ideological shit together. It is the true way...to lung cancer.

• Suits With Custom iPad Pockets, For The Fanboy On The Go / iPad Dress Isn't Completely Mortifying - Bad enough to be an asshole wielding an iPad, but to wear special asshole clothes? We already saw the iPad, we know you're one.

• Australia Expels Israeli Diplomat Over Dubai Hit - Bummer. That's one of the cushiest jobs in the world. I guess everybody is going to be gunning for the Swedish consulate spot in Canada.

• Ecclestone Convoy Unwittingly Carries Illegal Immigrants - Way to go, Bernie. Too busy counting your piles of money and drinking champagne off model's asses to lock down your cargo?

• Two Dead After Collision With A Flatbed Trailer Carrying 17 Million Bees - Officially, the worst death ever.

• Perez Hilton: Christina Aguilera's Career Is Failing Miserably / Ellen DeGeneres Starts Own Record Label - The music industry is imploding, as determined by the most noise about music being made by two people that have no right and no reason to be associated with it at all.

• Something Sad And Depressing And Horrible That Has Vaguely To Do With Thundercats - If they find him - or parts of him, it won't be a happy ending. Yeah, it's that kind of story.

• Fixing Oil Spill My Responsibility, Obama Says - No, it's not. It's BP's. And all those greedy senators whose pockets are lined with their bribe dollars from authorization.

• A (Not So) Complete History Of Penis Tattoos - You don't want to look. But you're going to.

• North Korea Accuses South Of Faking Warship Sinking - No country wants to admit they killed 42 of their own sailors for no reason, so it makes perfect sense that they'd make it up and blame it on their neighbors. It only works for Koreans (sorry Iran!).

• Man Spends 24 Hours At Starbucks, Fails To Caffeine Overdose - I'm surprised he made it half the day with Jason Mraz playing on the speakers without being tranqued on dark roast.

Unlocked

Todd Davis's identity has been stolen at least 13 times. But the difference between him and some other unlucky bastard is that Davis is CEO of LifeLock - a company that focuses in anti-identity-theft services. Perhaps that's not the most ringing endorsement.

LifeLock has already been fined $12,000,000 by the FTC for deceptive advertising, but they're still plugging along with their cocksure ads. The company is so good at providing anti-theft services, Davis throws out his Social Security Number with the ease of Hair Club president (who's also a member!). Meanwhile, collection agencies nationwide have been after him for debts that other people have racked up with his SSN.

The New Times (also based in Arizona where LifeLock is situated) really pulled out some choice dirt on the company and their many shortcomings:

• A man in Texas had used Davis' ID to take out a $500 loan, and Davis didn't know about it until the unpaid account went to a collection agency.

• Fake Davises owe $573 to Credit One Bank and $312 to Swiss Colony, a gift-basket company.

• Co-founder Robert J. Maynard Jr. was banned for life in the 1990s from the credit-repair industry.

• Collection agencies are looking for compensation from "Davis": Bay Area Credit, $265; Associated Credit Services, $207 and $213; Enhanced Recovery Corporation, $250 and $381. And the whopper at NCO/Fin 22, $2,390.

• Accounts at USA Savings Bank and a Gap credit card, were opened successfully in Davis' name as of early 2009.

• Maynard's own father accused him of identity theft.

But hey, as long as they have his digits up and an easy target, yours are pretty safe...right?

American "Amateurs"

Jezebel also shares my loathing of American Apparel's ad campaigns, which are equal parts softcore porn and a Chris Hansen. And not all that genuine.

The story that American Apparel tells about its models — that they are, to a (half-naked) woman, employees, friends of Dov Charney, "real people" and never professional models — is one much cherished by the company. It's also a lie.

It might have been the case in 2004, when Jane reporter Claudine Ko — in front of whom company founder Charney masturbated repeatedly while she was reporting her story — wrote that most of the brand's models are girls Charney street-casts. Back then, American Apparel was a relatively small company, and girls with non-modelish looks made it onto its billboards regularly. It may even have still been true in 2006, when the Financial Times reported that the company "works exclusively with non-professional models."

It was definitely not true in 2008, when the company said, "Unlike almost everyone in the fashion industry, American Apparel doesn't use professional models and agencies. Our models are mostly people who work here at the factory." (And also: "We don't objectify.") It was demonstrably false by the time Fox quoted the company last month as saying its ads "are evocative because they feature real people instead of professional models done up with makeup artists or Photoshop. American Apparel's website is filled with photos of friends, employees and fans of the company who volunteered or even collaborated by submitting self-portraits." It's a silly falsehood that's been repeated by the Guardian, Newsweek, the Independent, the Times of London, and the New York Times, among others. This should stop.

American Apparel's gaggle of utterly conventionally beautiful and slender women are not "factory workers." They may be "friends of Dov," but many of them do not work for the company he founded. You will not bump into an American Apparel model working the register at the store nearest you. For many, despite the fact that the disingenuous little bios that sometimes still run in American Apparel ads often claim them as employees, the only paycheck they've ever cashed is for the time they spent modeling for the brand. Some may be "real people," and the company may in fact not use Photoshop during its post-production process — although all we have standing behind that claim is Charney's word. But some of them are definitely models. Professional models. Represented by agencies.

If you've ever looked at an American Apparel ad and wondered how the tall, beautiful woman in it could possibly not be a professional model, your instincts are correct. I've personally known several models who've moonlighted for American Apparel for a quick buck, though I won't out any of them here. I don't have to: just this week, 5'11" Australian model Zanita Whittington, pictured, who has a photo blog and is represented by the agencies Models 1 in London and Priscillas in Sydney, was confirmed as a face of the company; she's flying to L.A. to shoot the campaign. While it's possible that the company is interested in Whittington at least partly as a blogger — Whittington's site already carries American Apparel ads — the fact that she's an international model can't hurt.

The American Apparel model the company identifies as Mele is in fact Mele Vazquez, a 23-year-old and, yes, a professional model. (She seems to be represented by Elite.) In this interview, she says she's worked as a model for eight years. Vazquez told Platform magazine, "I started modeling when I was 16. I got discovered at this super cheesy model search that my mom entered me in. Since then I've traveled the world, Australia, New Zealand, all over Europe. I'm still modeling full time here in LA." When Dov Charney "discovered" her, Vazquez had in fact already been a professional model for seven years. Another non-factory-worker American Apparel model is Alanna Drasin. She goes to Brandeis and although she doesn't appear to be represented by any agency, it's a stretch to call anyone who's modeled since she was 17, and can rattle off a list of clients to match, an "amateur."

It's true that American Apparel does not work within the traditional agency system — it doesn't call agencies and request girls for castings, for instance, and the models whom it books don't have to pay their agents a cut. But the number of professionals who end up in American Apparel ads regardless indicates that this policy is largely one of financial convenience rather than any search for a "real" aesthetic. Agencies would certainly negotiate better rates on their models' behalf.

And of course, the company also has models who are not shopgirls, but porn stars. Charlotte Stokely, who originally was identified by American Apparel as an "employee" named "Britney", and Faye Reagan, whom American Apparel called an "employee" named "Jillian" have been appearing in ads since 2008; so have adult stars Avy Lee Roth and Sasha Grey. We've mentioned this before; it's not news.

So why do people keep repeating the lie that all American Apparel models are amateurs, "real people," and not, you know, 5'10" girls with agencies and books full of tears, or women who spend their days making porn in the valley rather than making t-shirts at the factory? The fiction that American Apparel ads are populated by company employees and their friends, and that this circle just happens to be entirely comprised of statuesque, high-cheekboned übermensch who have something against pants, is a very generative construct for the brand. The seductive/reductive concept is, as ever, "Buy this and look and you will look and feel like she does." The ads certainly carry the illusion of the "real," in the sense that they don't seem overproduced or overly thought out — that white space! that font! it's so simple!

But advertising is all lies. Louis Vuitton's ads are lies; your $500 wallet is not being lovingly hand-made by photogenic leatherworkers, it is in fact stitched on a machine in a factory. We should no more believe that "Charlene" is "a cashier at the Los Altos store" and a "part-time makeup artist" than we should believe that the caveman on the insurance ads is an actual Neanderthal. And the cynical news media ought to have learned by now that American Apparel is not a company worthy of anyone's credulity.

If American Apparel actually shot its ads on "real" people, and not professional models, it might be interesting. It might look something like this. It will never happen, but can we at least retire the bullshit idea that American Apparel eschews professional models in search of a more "realistic" feminine ideal?

House Of (Painfully Similar) Ideas?

Have you seen the X-Men teaser images Marvel's been putting out? Of course not - you're not a comic reading nerd like me. But even a casual observer who's at least heard of a comic book movie or two that's been released in the past decade would recognize Spider-Man and Wesley Snipes Blade and the X-Men name, right? Well, so has Ultimate Comics Avengers writer Mark Millar.

Apparently the "X-Men vs. vampire mutants" storyline people have deduced from the teaser images is awfully similar to an upcoming Ultimate Avengers storyline Millar's been talking about for years, and he's very unhappy. Millar's furious posts on his message board, in a thread titled "I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS X-MEN/ BLADE THING" (all-caps in original) are as follows:

I'm just starting Ultimate Avengers 3, issue 5, and it's the arc I'm maybe most proud of. As trailered forever, this is vampires in the Ultimate Universe attacking mutants and Blade brought in to help the Avengers as heroes go down one by one.

Now someones sent me a link to an X-Men event out two months previous that's exactly the same idea.

Seriously.

What do I do? This is what JRJR and I were going to do 5 years ago before Enemy of the State and I've been talking about it in interviews (and on here) since Ultimate Avengers launched. Blade's even on the cover to issue 1 as I've been excited about this since I had Blade painted on an ice cream truck in 1978.

I don't want to pull the issues as they're part of a complex plot that runs through my entire four arc run, but I'm almost finished now. I'm writing issue five of six and they're really, really good.

How the Hell did this happen? It wouldn't have been as big a deal if I hadn't started the series yet, but it's almost done and just going to look foolish following an X-Men event. Am honestly just so disgusted with this as I've talked about it many times. Thoughts on what I should do next?

I'm hoping this is some horrible misunderstanding. I've only seen what you've seen online with Blade and the X-Men and a vampire Jubilee (again, very close to stuff I'm doing). Fingers crossed this bullshit gets fixed, but am getting closer and closer to just doing my own stuff every day.

The difference [between this situation and examples like Blackest Night/Necrosha and Deep Impact/Armageddon] is that was competing companies with different characters. This is something I created for a company that's being used within the same company and using the same characters, now two months earlier.

I'm going to speak to the guys and then take a night to think about this. But really, really pissed off about this as have put a lot of work into this and it's really, really good.

We'll see what happens. This storyline was planned 5 years ago, like I said, and was known at the company. But it's been public knowledge since I started hyping Vampire X prior to Ultimate Avengers issue 1 coming out. The mods here read the original proposal I sent to all the Marvel bigwigs in 2005. I'm hoping this is all bullshit and the teasers are misleading.

I'm not changing anything. I did this first and it's too tightly plotted with the other arcs to pull and replace with something new. I guess they could kill the series with the second arc and bring someone else to take in a new direction. I dunno. Hopefully it won't come to that. We'll see what they say when I speak to them tonight, but I couldn't believe it when I saw this online. How the Hell did this happen when they have weekly meetings about what's coming up across the line? I discussed this arc at the Marvel retreat in Summer 2008, weighing up with the guys whether to have Leinil do this arc or the Punisher/ Ghost Rider one.

Millar has touted his own awesomeness in bombastic (and occasionally unrealistic) fashion for years. So is he taking on his Marvel bosses in addition to battling Roger Ebert? Soon thereafter, the Millarworld thread has been deleted following a post from Millar that read:

Hi guys

am now in boozer but just off the phone with dan b (Marvel Publisher Dan Buckley, presumably) and were all talking tomorrow to sort this out. Have never had problem in ten years at company so expect this can be fixed fast. Dan assures me this was a misunderstanding and he's a good bloke so have no reason to doubt. I don't think this is as bad as it looked a litle earlier. Will keep you posted.

Good to backpedal and not bite the hand that feeds, but Millar does have a lot of cred now that he's got arguably the year's most controversial film opening today, and a hit under his belt with Wanted. Marvel would also be wise to spare their golden goose, as he has been instrumental in some of their biggest storylines to date, but they're now with the House of Mouse, which makes them an even bigger brand. The storyline connected to the "We Are The X-Men" teasers is expected to be announced Sunday at the C2E2 convention. So maybe there's a part two on Monday...

Now She Can Get Back To Being Nude And Obnoxious

A federal court ruled over the weekend that the measles-mumps-rubella (MMR) vaccine does not cause autism. So will that be enough to prevent a new era of deadly but preventable epidemics? Now shut the fuck up Jenny McCarthy, and make yourself useful.

The federal "vaccines court" ruled in three different cases that not only does the MMR vaccine not cause autism, but neither does a mercury-containing additive, thimerosal, that was in the vaccine until 2001.

Special Master (awesome title)Denise Vowell wrote in one of the decisions: "Petitioners propose effects from mercury in [vaccines] that do not resemble mercury's known effects in the brain, either behaviorally or at the cellular level. To prevail, they must show that the exquisitely small amounts of mercury in [vaccines] that reach the brain can produce devastating effects that far larger amounts experienced prenatally or postnatally from other sources do not. "

In a separate ruling, Special Master George Hastings wrote: "This case . . . is not a close case. The overall weight of the evidence is overwhelmingly contrary to the petitioners' causation theories. "

But this won't stop the conspiracy theorists from insisting that correlation means causation. The plaintiffs in the cases claimed the federal government "funds the science that exonerates" the vaccine industry, and defends vaccines in court. Misinformed and claiming conspiracies? Oh yeah!

Sure, it's easy to be freaked out by the possibility that the vaccines could be causing autism spectrum disorder, which now afflicts one in 110 children, but doctors say it's typical for that disorder to manifest around 15 months - right around the time that children are vaccinated. And all the idiots then jump to conclusions. The refusal to vaccinate is likely to spark a new rash of cases of meningitis, whooping cough, polio and other diseases we had almost wiped out completely. Already, cases of measles, pertussis, meningitis and whooping cough have been linked to delayed or avoided vaccinations, it's likely to keep getting worse.

If you really want to blame something for autism in children, says pediatric development specialist Dr. Leslie Rubin, blame all of the toxins in the environment, including prenatal exposure to phthalates in perfume, makeup and nail polish. Wait, blame the mothers? They would never take that kind of responsibility when they can point the finger elsewhere.

2010 F1 Debut Weekend

Half the world away, they're revving the engines. There'll be one more brief practice Saturday before the qualifiers, but the first two practice sessions have already gone down in the books.

In both sessions. returning seven-times champion Michael Schumacher was trumped in the timesheets by Mercedes teammate Nico Rosberg though they were able to compete for the top places, unlike their early session where they finished eighth and 10th respectively. Lewis Hamilton was half a second off the top spot while teamate and reigning champion Jenson Button was 0.2s further back to complete a top four of Mercedes-powered cars.

But the times offer little insight into possible performance for the qualifying session, since most teams concentrated on long stints, testing a race's worth of fuel being onboard like the conditions for the beginning of Sunday's race.

On paper, Felipe Massa and Fernando Alonso disappointed for Ferrari before improving late on to take seventh and ninth respectively, though they were getting their heavy running out of the way early. On the other end of the times, Jarno Trulli lost some bodywork off his Lotus before going on to finish 19th behind teammate Heikki Kovalainen. the duo of Timo Glock and Lucas Di Grassi from Virgin Racing as well as Bruno Senna in the struggling HRT predictably following. Senna's colleague Karun Chandhok had been hopeful of making it out, but a technical issue put the Indian's rookie season in F1 on hold.

It was also disappointing for Red Bull, who - despite seeing him finish in fifth - endured brake problems in Sebastian Vettel's car, while a driveshaft issue forced Mark Webber to 17th. Their other team Toro Rosso were also plagued by problems, as Sebastien Buemi was sidelined throughout by a technical fault while Jaime Alguersuari, topping out at 16th, almost found the barriers with a spinout.

Renault made steady progress with Vitaly Petrov eighth and Robert Kubica 15th behind Vitantonio Liuzzi of Force India; his teammate Adrian Sutil was 12th with Rubens Barrichello between them. The Saubers of Pedro de la Rosa and Kamui Kobayashi sat 10th and 11th once all laps were completed.

You can download practice sessions one and two to get you in the mood for the quallies and race.

Best of the week: Thanks to the help of some activists that worked with Louis Psihoyos on his Oscar-winning documentary The Cove, a Santa Monica sushi restaurant was busted for selling endangered whale meat. The irony is that the restaurant was called “The Hump.”

According to a search warrant, marine mammal activists were served whale during three separate visits to the restaurant. Federal labs confirmed the meat came from a Sei whale, an endangered species protected by international treaties.

In October, two activists posing as customers went to The Hump and ordered “omakase,” which means they let the chef choose the choicest fresh fish. They also requested whale and pocketed a sample. The young women worked with Psihoyos to record the meal with a hidden camera and microphone. During the October restaurant visit, Crystal Galbraith and a friend who spoke fluent Japanese racked up a bill of $600, feasting on increasingly exotic dishes to gain the confidence of the waiters and chef.

A waitress brought out a dish of whale sushi, identifying the whale in English and Japanese, court documents said. The dish was listed as whale on the check and cost $85. Agents interviewed Kiyoshiro Yamamoto, the chef at The Hump for the past seven years, and he admitted serving whale to two young women. If convicted, Yamamoto could face a year in prison and a fine of up to $100,000. Galbraith, a vegan, said “It was heartbreaking to eat an endangered animal, but I knew that I was doing it to save” the whales. “We were there eating for four hours. I felt so full and sick.” I can't stand vegans and all the smug activist types, but if you can grind sushi for hours for your cause, then I applaud that. I once did the same thing, just to satisfy the sake demon that lives within.

Plus: WWTDD isn't letting Sean Penn off the hook this week either for his boastful bullshit.

Sean Penn has done tons of interviews lately to let people know that he doesn’t want attention for his charity work in Haiti, and to his credit he mostly talks about himself as part of a team. The only story that has come out about him specifically involved his rescue of two people from a collapsed building, a story with no evidence that it ever happened, or at least happened the way he said it did.

That part is kind of important because Penn has a history of exaggerating or just outright lying when reality doesn’t match his extremely high opinion of himself. That’s what he did after Katrina, and that might be what he’s doing with Haiti. I’ve now talked to two people who were both in Haiti as volunteers the same time Penn was, although he might not have noticed because it would be hard to see them from his gilded perch, high above all the real work being done.

After Penn did an interview with Anderson Cooper, CNN wrote, “Oscar-winning actor Sean Penn spent three weeks in Haiti following the January earthquake, living in a tent and witnessing first-hand the devastation.” According to one person I spoke to, this must mean he set up a tent in his Miami hotel room. “His camp tent had A/C, and he flew back every few days to Miami.”

When asked why he’s doing so much for Haiti, Penn told CBS… “…the first person served by service is the server … there’s no time that you’re over there, there’s not something to do to lend a hand.”

“Lend a hand” must mean “taunt people”…

“He took an old women from where I was working then said she couldn’t stay at his camp because it was “military” but he would show it to her, give her some blankets, then drop her off in a Haitian tent city. ASSHOLE. Why show someone something they can’t have.”

Penn told Larry King about the camp he lives in: “When the deputy secretary of the Haitian mission Kim Bolduc came, it was declared the most dangerous camp in Haiti.” It must be dangerous because of the sandtraps and dogleg par 5.

“Him and his friends were staying on / right next to the US military base on top of the hill, in the rich areas. Technically, at a country club (with a golf course).” And if those troops need any backup, they’ll be happy to know that Penn was strapped. Just like he was in New Orleans. For some reason.

“He was also packing heat (or appeared to - he had the handle of a revolver sticking out one of his front pockets)” You can actually see the handle of his gun in the beginning of this CNN video. But as much as I’d love for this entire thing to point out what a dickhead he is, to be fair, both people I talked to stressed that all the people who aren’t Sean Penn are doing an excellent job.

“The people around him, though, were absolutely great. They were treating patients, day in, day out, seemed to be doing a really good job for all i could tell. And quite frankly, that’s what counts.”

That is what counts but it’s also offensive as hell that this delusional prick would go on TV again and again, likening himself to the real volunteers. Those people are down in the mud, in the piles of bodies, helping the sick and scared, and they only do it because they want to help. They don’t have air conditioning and armed guards. They don’t get weekends off. They’re not on TV being told how amazing they are, and they didn’t spend today in DC dining at a 5 star restaurant with Haiti picking up the bill. Those people are better than Penn. They’re not the same. They are selfless. He is a narcissistic dickhead who doesn’t do anything without turning the spotlight on himself. Speaking of which, did someone put a Handsome Potion in my exfoliating face wash or did I get even better looking over night? Or was it both? Oh I wish everyone could see this. I think it might be both.

Also: Marc Delphine was fond of the logo a volunteer had designed for his campaign for a U.S. Senate seat in Oregon: a silver star wrapped in a star-spangled banner that his designer told him evoked the letter 'D' for branding purposes. It certainly was a memorable symbol - it was already being used by the NHL's Columbus Blue Jackets.

The Blue Jackets PR staff was alerted by fans over Twitter of the trademark infringement, and passed the matter along to their legal department and then to the NHL. Delphine said he received a phone call from The Oregonian newspaper about misuse of the logo, followed by "30 consecutive emails" from around the country about it.

"They were all like, 'What are you doing with their logo?' and I was like, 'I didn't make the logo!' and we pulled it immediately," said Delphine, a Libertarian candidate making history as the first openly homosexual man to run for the U.S. Senate in Oregon. "I'm not interested in any kind of infringement. We don't even need a logo," he was like.

Delphine said a volunteer associated with his Web site developer created the logo and donated it to the campaign. As you can see, the Blue Jackets' current logo (right) was simply flipped from left to right and the red circle synonymous with the Ohio state flag was removed. Instead of a 'D' the logo actually makes a 'C' for Columbus.

Sometimes you get what you pay for, according to Delphine. "I don't know if you know anything about Libertarian candidates, but they typically don't have a lot of money coming in. I was thinking this was so nice, but it was too good to be true," said Delphine, a self-professed "huge sports fan" but not a hockey fan. "It's not very original." The logo was removed from the candidate's official Web site, though it remained on Delphine's Facebook page. He said he hoped his candidacy wouldn't become synonymous with this logo foul-up. "If anything, I hope this raises awareness for the Columbus Blue Jackets," said Delphine.

And: One of the world's largest studies of the contraceptive pill has found that women who have taken it can expect longer lives and are less likely to die from any cause, including cancer and heart disease. Oh yeah, and no babies!

British researchers said their study should reassure many millions of women across the world who take oral birth control pills. They found no link between the drugs and an increased long-term risk of dying sooner.

The research, published in the British Medical Journal, followed 46,000 women for nearly 40 years, creating "more than a million woman-years" of observation. The results showed that in the longer term, women who used oral contraception had a significantly lower rate of death from any cause, including heart disease and all cancers, compared with women who had never taken it. But the scientists said their findings may only be true for women who have taken older-style pills rather than those on more modern types of drugs, since their study began in 1968.

"Many women, especially those who used the first generation of oral contraceptives many years ago, are likely to be reassured by our results." Around 12 million women in the United States and some 3 million women in Britain take the pill. While the newest data also showed a slightly higher risk in women under 45 who are current or recent users of the pill, the researchers said the effects in younger women disappear after about 10 years and the benefits in older women outweigh the risks in younger women.

Best picture of the week:

there's no reason for Katy Perry to be at the Oscars, but I'm glad she went

Best bonus links:

• Thrashers Recall 48-Year-Old D Chelios - It's nice to see Chelly get back up to the majors after spending most of the season under the radar in the AHL. Welcome back, Gramps. You've still got it.

• Light Drinking Might Help Keep Women Slim - And make me more attractive to them. Though I don't know how long they'll stay slim - gals who get a little of that social lube in them may end up on their backs more often than not, and you know where that leads...

• No .XXX Yet: Internet Agency Delays Porn Decision - They were too busy reviewing the websites that might get the .xxx suffix to make their recommendation. It was exhausting...and required cleaning after.

• Archaeologists Identify Oldest Part Of China’s Great Wall - It was at the bottom, for those who were wondering.

• Panel: Women Need Chance To Avoid Repeat C-Section - The panel also recommended women not getting pregnant as the best way to keep away from the need to cut a baby out of your stomach.

• Pro Football Hall Of Famer Merlin Olsen Dies At 69 - And the appropriate response would be to send an FTD condolence bouquet.

• Seal Meat To Be On Menu At Canadian Parliament - Will Louis Psihoyos be there? It must be cheaper than moose and more tasty than caribou. Or there's some Indian tribes who they need to get some votes from.

• Nurses' Union: Care Does Not Include Sex - But we shared that intimate moment where you changed my bedpan and gave me a sponge bath so I wouldn't get bed sores. After shaving my privates and the catheter, I think we're comfortable enough to admit I wasn't the only one who enjoyed it.

• U.S. Sitting On Mother Lode Of Rare Tech-Crucial Minerals - All I had to read was "light rare earths include the minerals ranging from lanthanum to gadolinium on the periodic table of elements, while heavy rare earths range from terbium to lutetium" to know it was true.

• Fishermen's Fear: Public's 'Right To Fish' Shifting Under Obama? - Once again, those Washington fat cats are getting in the way a man's chance to get his pole and sit over a hole.

• Court Upholds 'Under God' In Pledge Of Allegiance - Indivisible, apparently in jurisprudence circles.

• Appetite May Be Partly Linked To Germs In The Gut -But still overwhelmingly linked to the tapeworm that live there who hungers for bacon and doughnuts. Daryl, my little buddy, I won't let you starve.

• Heidi Montag Hires A Psychic As Manager - I see failure in your future. Same as in your past.

• The Void Between Protons and Electrons Makes Us All Phantoms - In a matter of speaking. But there is a lot of space between our atoms. Let's hope we don't have any free radicals and quarks getting inside us.

• Brazil's Silva Quits Smoking After 50 Years - And will be able to feel better about stopping cancer in it's tracks. Those tracks are an insterstate freeway after five decades.

• Chinese Zoo Blamed For Death Of 11 Siberian Tigers - To be technically correct, it was really the snack bar next to the tiger den. Or you can blame the teriyaki tiger beef bowl lunch special.

• Norway Doomsday Seed Vault Hits 1/2 Million Mark -Unfortunately, I don't think that any of those seeds are kind bud. Dude, if the world goes to shit, you're going to want some indica strains to go along with your mustard seed and corriander.

Worst of the week: Two of the oldest people in the world have died on the same day.

Mary Josephine Ray, who was certified as the oldest person living in the United States, died Sunday at age 114 years, 294 days. She died at a nursing home in Westmoreland but was active until about two weeks before her death, her granddaughter Katherine Ray said. So, what...the last two weeks she was just laying there dying?

"She just enjoyed life. She never thought of dying at all," Ray said. "She was planning for her birthday party." At 114, she should have maybe thought it was a possibility.

Ray died just hours before Daisey Bailey, who was 113 years, 342 days, said L. Stephen Coles, a director of the Gerontology Research Group, which tracks and studies old people and certifies those 110 or older, called supercentenarians. It's fascinating, but I'm against them tagging and tracking them. "It's very rare that two of our supercentenarians die on the same day," he said. No shit?

Bailey, who was born March 30, 1896, died in Detroit. At least le live a long life, because the minute you move to Detroit, you might as well die. She had suffered from dementia, said her family, surprising no one.

Ray, even with her recent decline, managed an interview with a reporter last week. She was the oldest person in the United States and the second-oldest in the world. Bailey was also recorded as the oldest person ever to live in New Hampshire, which I'm sure she tops by leaps and bounds.

Ray was born May 17, 1895, in Bloomfield, Prince Edward Island, Canada. She moved to the United States at age 3. Ray's husband, Walter, died in 1967. Survivors include two sons, eight grandchildren, 13 great-grandchildren and five great-great-grandchildren.

The oldest living American is now Neva Morris, of Ames, Iowa, at age 114 years, 216 days. The oldest person in the world is Japan's Kama Chinen at age 114 years, 301 days. Watch your back, Chinen!

Plus: Lindsay Lohan is a goddamn moron. The chronically unemployable failure is suing financial company E-Trade for $100 million for using her name in its latest commercial about a boyfriend-stealing "milkaholic" baby. Her first name. That millions of other people have.

In the ad, which debuted during this year's Super Bowl, a baby boy apologizes to his girlfriend for not calling her the night before. "And that milkaholic Lindsay wasn't over?" the baby girl asks before another baby girl pops into the screen saying, "Milk-a-whaaat?" And somehow, she thinks that applies to her.

"Many celebrities are known by one name only, and E-Trade is using that knowledge to profit," Lohan's lawyer, Stephanie Ovadia, said in a statement. "They're using her name as a parody of her life. Why didn't they use the name Susan? This is a subliminal message. Everybody's talking about it and saying it's Lindsay Lohan." No, you ambulance chaser, only you are. This is the only time anyone - ever - made that connection.

The spokesperson for Grey Group, which produced the "milkaholic" commercial, said that they "just used a popular baby name that happened to be the name of someone on the account team."

Also: 50-year mystery over the ‘cursed bread’ of Pont-Saint-Esprit, which left residents suffering hallucinations, has been solved after a writer discovered the US had spiked the bread with LSD as part of an experiment.

In 1951, a quiet, picturesque village in southern France was suddenly and mysteriously struck down with mass insanity and hallucinations. At least five people died, dozens were interned in asylums and hundreds afflicted. For decades it was assumed that the local bread had been unwittingly poisoned with a psychedelic mould. Now, however, an American investigative journalist has uncovered evidence suggesting the CIA peppered local food with the hallucinogenic drug LSD as part of a mind control experiment at the height of the Cold War.

On August 16, 1951, the inhabitants were suddenly racked with frightful hallucinations of terrifying beasts and fire. One man tried to drown himself, screaming that his belly was being eaten by snakes. An 11-year-old tried to strangle his grandmother. Another man shouted: “I am a plane”, before jumping out of a second-floor window, breaking his legs. He then got up and carried on for 50 yards. Another saw his heart escaping through his feet and begged a doctor to put it back. Many were taken to the local asylum in strait jackets. Time magazine wrote at the time: “Among the stricken, delirium rose: patients thrashed wildly on their beds, screaming that red flowers were blossoming from their bodies, that their heads had turned to molten lead.”

Eventually, it was determined that the best-known local baker had unwittingly contaminated his flour with ergot, a hallucinogenic mould that infects rye grain. Another theory was the bread had been poisoned with organic mercury. However, H P Albarelli Jr., an investigative journalist, claims the outbreak resulted from a covert experiment directed by the CIA and the US Army’s top-secret Special Operations Division (SOD) at Fort Detrick, Maryland. The scientists who produced both alternative explanations, he writes, worked for the Swiss-based Sandoz Pharmaceutical Company, which was then secretly supplying both the Army and CIA with LSD.

Albarelli came across CIA documents while investigating the suspicious suicide of Frank Olson, a biochemist working for the SOD who "fell" from a 13th floor window two years after the Cursed Bread incident. One note transcribes a conversation between a CIA agent and a Sandoz official who mentions the “secret of Pont-Saint-Esprit” and explains that it was not “at all” caused by mould but by diethylamide, the D in LSD.

And: "Due to the distractions to the educational process caused by recent events, the Itawamba County School District has decided not to host a prom Itawamba Agricultural High School this year. It is our hope that private citizens will organize an event for the juniors and seniors. However, at this time, we feel that it is in the best interest of the Itawamba County School District, after taking into consideration the education, safety and well being of our students, that the Itawamba County School District not host a junior/senior prom... We sincerely apologize for any inconvenience this causes anyone."

That's the response to whether or not a lesbian student could attend prom with her female date. Once again, the south proves it's anything but deep.

Worst picture of the week:

could have been the best of the week, except that fright mask from the neck up

Worst bonus links:

• Minority Births On Track To Outnumber White Births - Oh. Shit.

• Tom Delay: People Are Unemployed Because They Want To Be - And you're a fucking idiot because you want to be too. Should we be worried that this comes from somebody in our government, or that he's talking with the conviction that he think's he's speaking for Americans? Ask the unemployed what they think.

• AP News Break: California Murder Suspect Broke Parole - Especially the part about not killing anyone while on parole. Good thing AP news got to the bottom of that mental puzzle.

• Rocker Billy Corgan Rips Into John Mayer - You can deny rumors you're banging Jessica Simpson by not answering questions about it, but when you take on her blabbermouth ex, you're confirming it. Get back to making good music, not having a bitchfight with a douchebag.

• Hoped-For Drop In Childbirth Deaths Not Happening - I was actually hoping for a drop in childbirths - not like we need to overpopulate or anything. But taking out the source works just the same...

• State Sen. Roy Ashburn Says He's Homosexual - We covered his DUI arrest coming from a gay bar in last weekend's edition. And what do you know - the stanuch anti-gay politician was a self-loathing, closeted gay himself.

• God Helps With Personal Decisions, Most Americans Say - all you need to know about this is in the first sentance: Most Americans believe God is involved in their everyday lives and concerned with their personal well-being, though the well-educated and higher earners are less likely than their counterparts to believe in such divine intervention, a new study suggests.

• Harry Smith Colonoscopy To Air On `Early Show' / Samsung, Panasonic Start Selling 3-D TVs This Week - The timing is impecable.

• Georgia Man Who Posted 'Elton John Must Die' Arrested - I was totally unaware that posting a video of yourself on the interweb holding a sign that says "Elton John must die" is the same as making terroristic threats. America must be destroyed.

• Woman Sells Two Souls For $1,983 - Amazing that it didn't get yanked from eBay, since human souls normally don't meet the reserve.

• Justin Timberlake's Clothing Line Is Fur-Free - Sorry, but when you have a men's line, it better fucking be fur and pelt free. And the fact that you have fur-tinged goods, well...

• Vienna Boys Choir Admits Possible Sexual Abuses - Most of them occured when they were checking to see who was a soprano. I love they're willing to admit "possile" sexual abuses, as if they're not sure that molesting underage boys constitutes abuse.

• Palin Crossed Border For Canadian Health Care - Queen of the right-wing hypocrites. The more she keeps putting the spotlight on herself, the more different ways she finds to shut them off. That's the dim leading the dimming.

• Chief Exorcist Says The Devil Is In The Vatican, Blames Pedophilia Scandal On Satan - How totally convenient is it that your moral enemy is responsible for the misdeeds in your house? But it's hard to tell which is more ridiculous - that Satan is being blamed in all seriousness, or that they have a position for chief exorcist.

• Jessica Simpson: "I Don't Brush My Teeth!" - I think she's used up all of her hot girl karma. She films ear candling, yo-yos here weight, and now has a dirty mouth. Keep your nastiness to yourself. It's official, you're a pig Jessica Simpson.

• GOP Leader's Skinny-Dip Confession Stuns Utah - And more surprising was that it wasn't with any of his multiple wives. They ought to give him credit for taking off his magic Mormon golden underpants and not getting them wet.

• Authorities: No Illegal Drugs Found In Haim Case - Just like that stash of "non-illegal" drugs that took down Brittany Murphy. Then again, most people only think that illegal drugs are the only ones that get abused.