Define "Insane"

The wheels of justice turn slowly, and often, senselessly.

Nearly eight months after the attack which killed 12 and wounded 58 at a Colorado theater, the defense for James Holmes is still heel-dragging on what plea to enter.  They do not want to use not-guilty by reason of insanity, because it simply does not benefit their client.  You see, if you want to go that route, you have to turn over all documents and information pertaining to your client's past, including those records previously protected by doctor-patient confidentiality.  And in the case of Holmes, it's a particular notebook given to a psychiatrist prior to the attack.  So how to you get around the evidence that would clearly implicate your client and his premeditated actions?  Challenge the constitutionality of the state insanity law!

Trying to make a whole separate issue challenging the law you're looking to take shelter under is a stroke of pure genius scumbaggery.  Only a defense lawyer could complain that a law is not serving enough of their plans and try to have it changed to suit them better.  I assume they'd prefer they could just plead insanity as a defense without having to present or prove anything.  My legal scholar hat got lost many years ago when I opted out of going to law school, but my bullshit detector has been working just fine.  You can't cry self-incrimination if you're claiming insanity, because 1) you have to establish the insanity, and 2) you're not challenging the act - just whether or not they were sane when committing it.

Sorry guys, either he did it and you want to say he was crazy, or he didn't do it.  Pick one, and then promptly lose.  And as usual, a giant big fuck you to any and every media outlet, reporter and source who continues to refer to Holmes as the "alleged" shoooter or "suspect" in the case.  When you are arrested on site with weapons immediately following the attack and you deliberately booby trapped your apartment in case of your arrest, you get no luxury of speculation.  He is the defendant, period.

Bane Of The Intelligent

It's been forever since the talking heads from the red state mindset have been relevant, let alone newsworthy, but from the shitheap that Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity fester in, the grandaddy of right-wing mouthpieces, Rush Limbaugh, has decided to make sure there's nothing intelligent or relevant he has to say.  Here's from the moron himself:

"Have you heard this new movie, the Batman movie, what is it, The Dark Knight Lights Up or whatever the name is. That’s right, Dark Knight Rises. Lights Up, same thing. Do you know the name of the villain in this movie? Bane. The villain in The Dark Knight Rises is named Bane, B-a-n-e. What is the name of the venture capital firm that Romney ran and around which there’s now this make-believe controversy? Bain. The movie has been in the works for a long time. The release date’s been known, summer 2012 for a long time. Do you think that it is accidental that the name of the really vicious fire breathing four eyed whatever it is villain in this movie is named Bane? 

So, anyway, this evil villain in the new Batman movie is named Bane. And there’s now a discussion out there as to whether or not this is purposeful and whether or not it will influence voters. It’s gonna have a lot of people. This movie, the audience is gonna be huge. A lot of people are gonna see the movie, and it’s a lot of brain-dead people, entertainment, the pop culture crowd, and they’re gonna hear Bane in the movie and they’re gonna associate Bain. The thought is that when they start paying attention to the campaign later in the year, and Obama and the Democrats keep talking about Bain, Romney and Bain, that these people will think back to the Batman movie, 'Oh, yeah, I know who that is.'  There are some people who think it’ll work. Others think you’re really underestimating the American people to think that will work."

Yep, you're right...and holy fuck, if you are somebody who hears that and agrees, you should have your right to vote revoked due to your massive, permanent brain damage.

Pig To Head Back Home To Wallow In Mud

For months I've been calling the Republican nomination "race" a joke, but at least here's the punchline - evil is retreating to it's lair.

In the slow news cycle of the GOP crawl towards their convention, it's been one virgin after another served up at the alter of Romney for sacrifice, as each challenger took their shot and gained slight momentum crawling over the one that fell before them.  And for that predicable and oft-repeated reason, one more rich white man has fallen, and yet it's as protracted as the media-driven (non) contest of the race itself.

Newt Gingrich will officially suspend his bid for the presidency next week - yes, the pre-announcement of his pending announcement is somehow considered worth mentioning.  He could just quit, I don't know...now, but that would be too easy.  You see, there's still millions in contributions to collect and hide before dismantling the snake oil campaign machine.  And since he's essentially been an human caricature of Porky Pig - well, one with a hair helmet and a predilection to rut, he had to stutter politically and drag out his exit.

I would hate to see any Republican win in November, but Newty is a special kind of old school shitbag.  Not the harmless, naive kind you find in Rick Santorum, or a sad clone of Bush in Rick Perry, but a crafty bastard that was part of the early 90's GOP congressional class that basically tried to put every dark cloud they possibly could over the Clinton era, which was fitting considering that it should have been heeded as a warning for the stormy presidency to follow.

At least we'll have another few years before he dips his fat toe back into the candidate pool.  Unless he dies.  Nothing wrong with that....

Golden Throat Is No Golden Glove

Sometimes, a headline is beautiful.

"American Idol Scotty McCreery Hit In Throat While Pitching For High School Baseball Team" tells you everything you need to know, and yet still makes you want more.

It's easy to forget the television karaoke star was only a student when he headed to Hollywood with nothing but a smirk and a 50 year-old's voice, because, well, who cares.  But thankfully, he's been thrown back into the media cycle for doing what all young men strive to do: become a star athlete so he could get laid - because letter-men get ass and choirboys don't.

McCreery took the mound for his second varsity baseball star when a one-hopper (that's a term from baseball, and baseball is said to be a sport)  bounced up and hit him directly in the throat during the third inning. Reporters said he "showcased his toughness" by staying in the game and pitching for three more innings, and who can argue?  Everybody knows your throat and pitching arm are connected!

I just wish that some of the American Idol contestants played more aggressive contact sports...

Newtered

Republican presidential candidate and all-around sack of shit Newt Gingrich signed a pledge to uphold conservative values of the Iowa-based conservative Christian group The Family Leader in order to pander for votes and money for his campaign.  Yeah, like a pledge every kept a politician from thinking with his dick.

While the document is really just a checklist of right-wing beliefs - including states rights, preventing gay marriage, and promoting an anti-abortion agenda, his credibility can't support a simple like statement like "I also pledge to uphold the institution of marriage through personal fidelity to my spouse and respect for the marital bonds of others." If that sounds familiar coming out of one side of his fat mouth, it's because you've heard it a few times before, whole the other side of his mouth was sweet-talking his mistresses.

You see, he made a no-adultery pledge back in 2000 to current wife Callista, which should have made her feel comforted, since she was his plaything while he was married to Marianne Ginther.  And it did not serve as warning to Marianne back in 1981, when she received a no-adultery pledge after being the other woman to then-wife Jackie Battley.  And as you could have predicted, Battley got that same worthless no-adultery pledge when she and Gingrich married in 1962.

Of course, since Newty has gone on television and admitted his wrongdoing, all is forgiven, right? "In my case, I said up front openly, I've made mistakes at times...I've had to go to God for forgiveness. I've had to seek reconciliation." Well, if God - I mean , Newt Gingrich's God, has forgiven him, then surely there's plenty of red state voters who can too.  But at that level, he's already got the vote of those who are just looking at his pro-life, pro-state, and pro-family jawing and none of the actual actions of the person presenting them.

Gingrich has long been a typical scumbag politician of the highest degree, and once again he's jumping through the same hoops for show - and we shouldn't expect anything less from his kind.  But giving lip service to counter the mouth service he's done in the past isn't enough to make me think he's in going to stay in check - an more importantly, true to his words.

Because Megyn Kelly Is A Complete Moron

A Heartwarming Story

Congrats to 25-year-old Brian McCarthy who won $107 million in July's Mega Millions lottery!

Brian bought his winning ticket on a whim after withdrawing money from an ATM at a grocery store in McLean, Virginia. It was only after seeing he'd won on Facebook, that he spoke with his grandmonther, who replied, "You deserve it. Can I make you a grilled cheese sandwich?" How sweet!

Brian opted for the single payment of $68.4 million, which he'll use to take a buy a BMW M3 and go on a golf trip to Ireland.

Oh, and he's the son of Marriott, Inc. Group's President Robert J. McCarthy, who earned $1.2 million in 2009. Motherfucker.

The Elite Apple Juice And Graham Cracker Institution

Here's a giant fuck you to the Trinity School in New York, which is more difficult to get into than Harvard. Because trust fund babies and aristocratic little snot-noses need to start somewhere, right? The Week has this sickening statistical comparison:

• Number of kindergarten seats at the Trinity School, "one of New York's most competitive schools": 62

• Number of applicants for those 62 seats: 762

• Number of kindergarten seats automatically filled by siblings of Trinity students: 33

• Number of kindergarten seats that automatically went to children of alumni, "who also get a leg up": 11

• Number of kindergarten seats that automatically went to the child of a Trinity staff member: 1

• Number of spaces remaining for the 711 prospective kindergarteners from families with no previous ties to Trinity: 17

• Percentage chance that each of those prospective kindergarteners would secure one of the 17 remaining seats: 2.4

• Percentage acceptance rate at Harvard University: 6.4

• Number of freshmen admitted into Harvard's fall class: 2,158

• Number of applicants for that class: 34,950

• Cost of yearly tuition at Trinity School: $36,870

• Cost of yearly tuition at Harvard University: $36,305

Cancergirl

The Real Housewives of Who Gives A Fuck's Bethenny Frankel created Skinnygirl Margarita, a low-cal alcohol that adds a little special flavor from a preservative that can cause cancer. I hope she was serious in her tweet when she said she’d be starting off the weekend enjoying a Skinnygirl Margarita. And drinking and drinking...

The bottle may read "the margarita you can trust", but try telling Whole Foods that, who are taking the drink out of the 16 markets that stock it. One of it's ingredients is the preservative sodium benzoate - conveniently no listed on the bottle on the bottle - that when combined with an ascorbic acid like citrus (in a margarita - what are the chances?), it can form a carcinogen known as benzene.

Now, there are plenty of things that are bad for you, and even more that you're enjoying which companies won't disclose, but it's a fantastic new low to completely deny the claims. "With all due respect to Whole Foods...they represent an infinitesimal fraction of our business. We represent the largest growing spirits brand in the US...and everyone tries to tear down a success. This is a non-event," Frankel said.

You products can cause cancer and your response it to tout how successful your company is and call the potential health risk a non-event? I pray there is a class-action lawsuit in the future to bitchslap Frankel so hard, no amount of plastic surgery could make her look right.

Improved For Profit

"American works of art belong to the American public; they are part of our cultural history.

People who alter or destroy works of art and our cultural heritage for profit or as an exercise of power are barbarians, and if the laws of the United States continue to condone this behavior, history will surely classify us as a barbaric society.

These current defacements are just the beginning. Today, engineers with their computers can add color to black-and-white movies, change the soundtrack, speed up the pace, and add or subtract material to the philosophical tastes of the copyright holder. Tomorrow, more advanced technology will be able to replace actors with “fresher faces,” or alter dialogue and change the movement of the actor’s lips to match. It will soon be possible to create a new “original” negative with whatever changes or alterations the copyright holder of the moment desires. The copyright holders, so far, have not been completely diligent in preserving the original negatives of films they control. In order to reconstruct old negatives, many archivists have had to go to Eastern bloc countries where American films have been better preserved.

In the future it will become even easier for old negatives to become lost and be “replaced” by new altered negatives. This would be a great loss to our society. Our cultural history must not be allowed to be rewritten.

There is nothing to stop American films, records, books, and paintings from being sold to a foreign entity or egotistical gangsters and having them change our cultural heritage to suit their personal taste.

I accuse the companies and groups, who say that American law is sufficient, of misleading the Congress and the People for their own economic self-interest.

I accuse the corporations, who oppose the moral rights of the artist, of being dishonest and insensitive to American cultural heritage and of being interested only in their quarterly bottom line, and not in the long-term interest of the Nation.

The public’s interest is ultimately dominant over all other interests. And the proof of that is that even a copyright law only permits the creators and their estate a limited amount of time to enjoy the economic fruits of that work.

There are those who say American law is sufficient. That’s an outrage! It’s not sufficient! If it were sufficient, why would I be here? Why would John Houston have been so studiously ignored when he protested the colorization of The Maltese Falcon? Why are films cut up and butchered?

I hope you have the courage to lead America in acknowledging the importance of American art to the human race, and accord the proper protection for the creators of that art–as it is accorded them in much of the rest of the world communities.”

- George Lucas circa 1988, who George Lucas circa 2011 can't recall as he prepares yet another round of rape changes to the Star Wars saga getting released on Blu-ray

CEO Gaga?

If you're a savvy businessperson like me, you like your information and advice coming out of Germany. And grossly incorrect.

The article "Old CEOs Can Learn A Few New Tricks From Lady Gaga", painfully tries to convince us that the singer can "school corporations in strategic innovation", based on the observations of a German business researcher.

Martin Kupp, a professor (hopefully not tenured) at the European School of Management and Technology (Berlin) expects her album "Born This Way" to end up at the top of the music charts and generate strong sales and land atop the music charts, regardless of critical reception. Wow, bold prediction! His obvious premise is based on how consumers relate to her brand, but that's where any semblance of logic ends.

"Lady Gaga blurs the industry boundaries and it's not really clear if she's a musician, artist or fashion designer," said Kupp. Actually, it's absolutely clear - how the hell are you a professor and not be able to differentiate? She's a musician. Just like Britany Spears, Cher, and Jessica Simpson. And like them, she is marketing her brand, because being a popular pop singer is a licensing licence to print money. They're not making their fragrances or clothing - they just have final approval before their name goes on it. Of course that would go over the head of a guy who recently wrote a book on business lessons from artists like Madonna (aka, the original Lady Gaga) and Renaissance painter Titian.

"I think there may be people out there who associate her much more with fashion or with other sorts of entertainment than music," Krupp added. Think whatever you want, asshole, and be wrong while you're at it. Lady Gaga exists as a musician first and foremost, and the rest is just using her Q to bring attention to whatever she puts her weight behind. This is Branding 101, and something that's been going on since the first days of marketing and business.

So why does Kupp and colleagues think she's the new paradigm? They made a recent case study and point to the singer's "social media strategy" as a way for businesses "to learn new methods to shake up an established industry". Wait, using social media to contact your fans? Did she invent this technique? Nope. Can we at least pretend that using the latest technological / communication advertising trend is original? Fine - but only so we can continue this critique, because harnessing new media is as old as any company putting their website address on everything. I mean, as old as companies having websites on the internet. I mean, as old as product placement and brand management in film and television. I mean, as old as cable television advertising for companies. I mean, as old as corporate sponsorship of radio and TV programs. I mean, as old as billboards. I mean, as old as companies using print advertising in newspapers.

So, by using Facebook and Twitter, Lady Gaga has "developed" fans through virtual interaction and not by "pushing traditional marketing principles of promotion, product and price onto consumers", says Kupp. Sorry, that's totaly inaccurate. As a musical artist, all the fan club nonsense with autographed photos and special items goes back to the days of Elvis - and that's still promotion, and via virtual interaction. And the product, be it her albums or concerts or adult diapers is the only reason to reach out to the fan, lest you forget entertainment is a business too. He's also completely wrong about price as a factor - what other reason would demand for her new album disrupt Amazon.com servers if it wasn't a tied into a promotion for their cloud music service offering a special 99 cent price?

"Social media is not a one-way communication and I think Lady Gaga understands that," he adds. "It's more about emotions, engagement and interactivity, so she's very advanced." By the way, take a moment and learn about Advanced Genius Theory...Gaga, she's not advanced at all, and certainly no genius. And she's only the top of the Twit-heap by a less then impressive margin. Her 8,627,513 Twitter followers came over 36 months when she set up her account. For comparison, Justin Beiber racked up 7,942,954 in only 24 months. And Kim Kardashian, Ellen DeGeneres, Katy Perry, and Ashton Kutcher each have roughly 6.5 - 7 million followers too. Kupp needs to understand that Gaga didn't reinvent the wheel, let alone improve it.

He can argue that her use of social media was "to create much more intimacy than what you created with traditional marketing instruments", but that's ridiculous to say in the face of her massive beachhead of promotion for the album. Not only has Lady Gaga recently graces most major magazine covers (from Rolling Stone to Vogue), but she's appeared on every high profile show, from Oprah Winfrey to American Idol to Saturday Night Live, and debuted her own HBO concert special. Beyond the media blitz, non-traditional outlets, she's fucking everywhere:

• Starbucks is selling her album and launching a "digital scavenger hunt" for Gaga-inspired goods.

• Google Chrome had a commercial with Gaga featuring a track from the album.

• Internet clothing outlet Gilt Groupe is partnering to offer Gaga-inspired clothing and purchase of VIP performances.

• Best Buy is giving away the album free to anyone who purchases a mobile phone and signs up for a service contract.

• Zynga, creator of the popular online game FarmVille, has created GagaVille, which allows fans access to exclusive Gaga songs.

Yeah, that feels intimate.

Kupp believes that Lady Gaga's business strategy has been able to breathe life into an industry that has struggled to adapt its business model, but that's the same song and dance we've not only heard before about internet downloads and piracy and the different entertainment media facets, but also read before here again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.  Just picture my head banging against the wall rather than my fingers banging out words on the keyboard every time a moron like Kupp tries to spin that bullshit.

It's insulting to have people who are so clearly unaware of the things they're talking about act in any manner of authority on the subject. God bless Gaga for reinventing Madonna's shtick for a new generation and being successful at it, but comparing the stunts and direction of an entertainer to the methods of titans of business is pure ineptitude. Like Rupert Murdoch, Warren Buffet, Carlos Slim or Bill Gates needs to wear a meat dress or come out of an egg to promote their business. And you're even more sorely mistaken if you can't see the army of choreographers, producers, dancers, stylists, make-up artists, costumers, and designers that got into creating "Lady Gaga - the brand image", let alone the nameless, faceless lawyers, business managers, accountants, marketing execs, advertising personnel and other non-creative types that have to put the Gaga brand in play.

And to think that the days of Germans getting information all backwards and being misled were a thing of the past...

Pissed Off

In 1987, Andres Serrano plunged a plastic crucifix into a glass of his own urine and photographed. "Piss Christ" was making a statement on the misuse of religion...and fanatical assholes destroyed it.

Controversy has always followed the work, but on on Palm Sunday it was attacked with hammers and destroyed after an "anti-blasphemy" campaign by French Catholic fundamentalists in Avignon. And I thought forgiveness was the Christian thing to do...

Serrano often defended his photograph as a "condemnation of those who abuse the teachings of Christ for their own ignoble ends" and criticism of the "billion-dollar Christ-for-profit industry". In 2007, it was vandalised in Australia, and a show of his was ransacked by neo-Nazis in Sweden. The photograph had been shown in France several times without incident, and was hanging for the last four months as part of art-dealer Yvon Lambert's personal collection. And two weeks ago a heavy wave of protest began.

Lambert complained of extremists who had sent him tens of thousands of complaint emails, which could be credited to Civitas, a lobby group that says it aims to re-Christianize France who launched an online petition and mobilised other fundamentalist groups. They also organised almost 1,000 Christian protesters, who marched through Avignon to the gallery. The gallery immediately stepped up security, putting plexiglass in front of the photograph and assigning two gallery guards to stand in front of it.

On Palm Sunday morning, four people in sunglasses entered the exhibition just after it opened at 11am. One took a hammer out of his sock and threatened the guards with it. A guard grabbed another man around the waist but within seconds the group managed to take a hammer to the plexiglass screen and slash the photograph. They also smashed another work, which showed the hands of a meditating nun.

The gallery director said it would reopen with the destroyed works on show "so people can see what barbarians can do". I'd rather they take a hammer and pick to the vandals, and put that on display, but at least they are not backing down from lunatics with religious tunnel-vision.

Welcome To Bizzaro World

People magazine has named Jennifer Lopez the World's Most Beautiful Woman. Damn, that's the most narrow world view ever...

Lopez has been included 10 times prior before taking the top honor. Yes, this doughy 41-year-old is absolutely the most beautiful woman in the world. Okay, you know I don't mean that. She's not even the most beautiful 41-year-old in the world. Monica Bellucci has move than five years on her and looks infinitely better. It's just another terrible sign that American media would rather whore themselves out to gain favor with a celebrity rather than have a shred of dignity or honest reporting.  Because you can guess what magazine is going to have an exclusive interview with her once American Idol wraps it's season.

Sounds Like Somebody Better Not Watch That Jim Carrey Movie Again

Jason Mraz is not only a pretentious pop musician, but utterly nauseating with his super-cutesy, over-sweetened shtick. On his blog, Freshness Factor Five Thousand (vomit), which is filled with ball-less, wannabe charm and horribly cliché tweets ("Friendship. It's a life boat" and "Change is gonna come - but probably not from the vending machine.") that should earn him endless hours of beating, he explained his hard on for the number 23 and how it has played a significant role in his life...and I'm sharing that with you because every faux-entertainment website and blog has been spreading the details as if it was important or heartwarming.

Here are all the parallels to 23 in Jason’s life:

• He was born on June 23rd

• His best friend born on July 23rd

• They both got a tattoo “23″ on his brithday at The Chelsea, a hotel on 23rd street

• He always plays 23 in Vegas (which means he plays roulette, which is a game for pussies)

• Fiancee Tristan Prettyman born on May 23rd

• Mraz met Tristan on September 23rd

• He lives 23 miles away from Tristan (I don't believe that)

• Tristan has a “23″ tattoo

• Bought Tristan’s engagement ring on November 23rd

• He proposed to Tristan on the 23rd hour of December 23rd

• The engagement ring has 46 stones (23 for each of them) and weighs 2.3 carats

• Tristan Ann Prettyman-Mraz has 23 letters!

• Mr. And Mrs. Jason Thomas Mraz has 23 letters!

• Go Fuck Yourself You Douche has 23 letters!

I hear shit like this and I get angry at how fluffy and pointless celebrity stories are...and how useless the info - if you can call it that, is.

...And On The Seventh Day, We Were Still Stupid

A new Gallup poll has confirmed what I have known for quite some time - Americans are stupid lot who contaminate society with their irreparably damaged gene pool, and should be kept from breeding.

A poll released December 17 reveals that 40% of Americans still believe that humans were created by God within the last 10,000 years. That means four out of 10 people should not be allowed to reproduce. Can we even take comfort that the number is down from a previous high of 47% in both 1993 and 1999?

Another 38% believe that humans have "evolved from more basic organisms but with God playing a role in the process", while 16% of the respondents feel that humans have evolved with no divine guidance ("secular evolution"). However, this number has nearly doubled from nine percent of respondents in a poll from 1982.

Aside from driving me crazy, the poll also revealed confirmed the long known notion that beliefs in creationism and evolution are strongly related to levels of education attained. When looking at respondents with college degrees, only 37% maintained belief in creationism, while belief in evolution without the aid of God rose to 21%. Wow, there are a lot of shitty colleges out there that are not doing their job if they have that many graduates buying into creationism.

And to no one's surprise, Republicans (52%) outweigh Democrats and Independents (34%) in buying into the Bible and not biology. Those who attend church on a weekly basis believed in creationism far more than "secular evolution" - 60% to a mere 2% (those must be the boyfriends dragged there). For those who rarely or never attend religious services, the numbers are practically the reverse.

It's just like last year's poll on Darwin - terrifying data about how this country is barely clinging to the intelligence to keep if functional.

Relax, Buddy

Lakers star Kobe Bryant's two-year endorsement deal with Turkish Airlines has sparked protest among Armenian Americans in Los Angeles, which is fucking retarded.  Basketball fans must be hoping Lamar Odom's wife, Ogre Kardashian, doesn't start turning the team against him!

Turkish Airlines described Bryant as a "global brand ambassador", and will be using him to publicize the start of their nonstop flights in March from Istanbul to Los Angeles, and the onslaught of TV, billboard, print and online ads early next year hits too close to home to their inability to deal with onslaughts. You see, the one thing they're are stuck on is the 1915 genocide of 1.5 million Armenians by the former Ottoman Empire, which the Turkish government has strenuously rejected.  How are they going to reconcile their love of the Lakers and their 100 year old complaint?

Concentrated in California Glendale and Pasadena are 600,000 to 700,000 Armenians, and they're cheesed off! Aram Hamparian (executive director of the Armenian National Committee of America) complained, "This is not a matter of a private company that Kobe has signed a deal with...It's a state carrier with a heavy government affiliation." Yes, like most countries outside the US, where the majority of industries are nationally affiliated...but why is it your hurt feelings should be taken to heart by Kobe more than a business decision?

Caspar Jivalagian (executive member of the Armenian Youth Federation's Western region) said, "There's a clear backlash already...People have been calling us, saying, 'I hate Kobe' and 'I won't watch the Lakers anymore.' "  You mean other Armenians with their super-heritage hard-on, not actual people. Which is why there are parts of the Armenian community that want Bryant to use his fame to push House of Representatives Speaker Nancy Pelosi to schedule a vote on House Resolution 252, which would recognize the Armenian deaths as genocide.  Clearly, that is an issue our government needs to spend some time on instead of taxes, health care, the budget, our foreign wars, or, well, everything else!

It's great that Armenians have such a strong bond to their homeland and culture, though at the expense of being viewed as a narrow-minded.  Their pride has become a caricature, and getting pissy about Kobe and his business deals is laughable.  You don't see Jews outraged over anybody's dealings with the Germans, or Americans sweating the Japanese every December 7th - even with both events happening more recent that the Armenocide.  It must be hard from them while System Of A Down is on hiatus, but please Armenians, chill out and worry more about how your culture and people come across to the rest of the world, and less about what athletes endorse.

Shitty Justice

We can all sleep better tonight knowing that one of our great modern crimes has been solved!  Look out JonBenet's killer - you're next!

Ingmar Guandique, who was already imprisoned for attacking two female joggers, was found guilty of murdering Washington intern Chandra Levy some nine years ago. For those who don't recall, Levy's disappearance crushed congressman Gary Condit's career as their romantic link became public fodder during the year-long search to find her remains.

The fascinating part to the conviction is the lack of direct evidence from prosecutors, who got their man by impressing the notion that Levy's death fit a pattern of other crimes committed by Guandique in the park.  Yep, it seems like he could have done it, so that's good enough these days.  Suck it, habeas corpus!

Let me try to make it clearer if it hasn't sunk in: even though they had no eyewitnesses and no DNA evidence linking Guandique to Levy, and Guandique never confessed to police, they convinced a dozen dumb motherfuckers this guy did it.  How?  The testimony of Armando Morales, former cellmate of Guandique, who allegedly confided in him that he killed Levy. That's incredible when you think about how Condit's DNA was on underwear at Levy's apartment, and there's not a speck of Guandique's DNA to be found...guess those CSI shows better change their format and get with the times!

Is it worth pointing out that DNA from an unknown male found on Levy's black running tights matched neither Guandique nor Condit?  Nah...that can easily be explained away by prosecutors' claim that the DNA was the result of contamination during the testing process.  Funny how that wasn't "contamination" nine years ago...

Morales said Guandique was worried about being labeled a rapist by fellow inmates if word got out that he was a suspect in the Levy case. According to Morales, Guandique admitted killing Levy as part of an attempted robbery, but said he never raped her. Morales has not received any benefit for his testimony...yet (don't be surprised if prosecutors seek to reduce his jail time in the future).   Also presented was testimony from two women who were attacked by Guandique in May and July of 2001 in Rock Creek Park, where Levy disappeared. In both cases, Guandique attacked the women from behind while they jogged on isolated trails but ran off after each woman fought him off. Hmmm...I guess he did it.

There's no doubt that Guandique is a criminal scumbag and deserves prison, but I'm pretty sure that guilt by association isn't actual prosecutable, legal guilt.  Well, at least until now.

Burn In Hell, Douchebags

There is a special part of the underworld reserved for shitty musicians, but even that is too good for these jackasses.

Earlier this morning, wannabe rappers Imperial Stars blocked the 101 Freeway in Hollywood with an "impromptu concert".  Their promotion for their upcoming album, which features the song "Traffic Jam 101", consisted of parking a truck marked with advertisements across all but one lane of the freeway, and having the driver flee the scene with the keys. The group were singing and playing instruments on top of the truck. The California Highway Patrol arrested three, and were working feverishly to get all southbound lanes open again. The traffic backup extended into the San Fernando Valley.

There is a great deal of irony when a self-described "hard core hip hop band" is from Orange County, one of the most white, Republican places in the nation. On their website, the band pledges that all the money earned from the song will be going to Homeless Children America, who, if they're smart, will decline what little these retards may make, and keep their distance. I'm all for releasing the three who were arrested...as long as it's into a crowd of all the commuters who were stuck in that senseless traffic jam.

God's Breath

Moses might not have parted the Red Sea - according to computer simulations (yawn), but rather, was potentially aided by a strong east wind that blew through the night. Uh, no.

Computer simulations (I'm gonna keep drawing attention to that), which part of a larger study on how winds affect water, showed wind could push water back at a point where a river bent to merge with a coastal lagoon. Yes, that's the grand result of teams at the National Center for Atmospheric Research and the University of Colorado (Boulder).

"The computer simulations match fairly closely with the account in Exodus," said Carl Drews. Wait - you made a computer simulation match up to a biblical account? What's next? Computer simulations of biblical battles (don't answer that, History Channel)? "The parting of the waters can be understood through fluid dynamics. The wind moves the water in a way that's in accordance with physical laws, creating a safe passage with water on two sides and then abruptly allowing the water to rush back in." Yes, douche, we understand how it works, but what proof do you have of it?

Drews and his team pinpointed a possible site south of the Mediterranean Sea for the legendary crossing, and modeled different land formations that could have existed then and perhaps led to the accounts of the sea appearing to part. So get excited for some specifically constructed conditions in order to create the desired computer simulated outcome!

Their model required a U-shaped formation of the Nile River and a shallow lagoon along the shoreline. In that precise, unverified and modeled spot, a wind of 63 miles per hour, blowing steadily for 12 hours, could have pushed back waters 6 feet deep. "This land bridge is 2 to 2.5 miles long and 3 miles wide, and it remains open for 4 hours." I've heard of a perfect storm, but does this mean there's now a perfectly made up storm?

I've also been working on some research, and in my computer simulations, I have pleasured many Hollywood starlets. My results are totally legitimate.

Dorklord

Sci-fi / Fantasy author Terry Pratchett, who was knighted last year, decided he needed a sword. Can you conceive of his nerditude when tell you it was not just any sword, but a meteorite sword. Not geek enough? He smelted ore from his own property and added meteorite bits. Full blown dweeboid - I can't understand why other blogs are raving about this. It's LARPing, and that's never cool.

Assisted by Jake Keen (really, Mr. Keen? How fancy!), an expert on ancient metal-making techniques (this is unverified), Pratchett dug up 175 of iron ore that was just laying around near fief, adding in grounds of his house. Using a makeshift kiln built from clay and hay and fuelled with damp sheep manure (really? does that any anything to the process...other than the pleasure of handling sheep shit?).

For the finishing touch, he added several pieces of meteorites, "thunderbolt iron, you see — highly magical, you’ve got to chuck that stuff in whether you believe in it or not,” he said. Actually, you don't - especially if you don't believe in it. After days of hammering the metal into bars, he took it to a blacksmith, whom he helped to shape it into a blade, which was finished with silverwork. I'm surprised a warlock didn't read Elven runes while a lute played.

The sword's only weakness? Vaginas, which are also crippling to readers of his books.