Weekend Edition

Counting down the top 20 links we didn't cover during the week...

20 • The Hilarious Difference Between Google And Bing In One Picture - Okay, maybe not hilarious. Which one of those search engines came up with that hyperbole?

19 • How Marc Maron Picks Music For His Show - A neurotic dart board?

18 • How To Use Math To Dominate At Monopoly - Interesting read, horrible layout with a million giant photos.

17 • J. Cole: Gun-Toting Twitter Fan Investigated By Police - Illegal? Potentially. Great photo? Definitely.

16 • The Quotable Darryl Sutter (2013) - Pearls of wisdom and knowledge from the L.A. Kings coach.

15 • Drunk Alaska Man Mauled After Feeding BBQ To Black Bear - In the bear's defense, he wanted fish, not ribs (even though he had some).

14 • Paraplegic Castrated At Pennsylvania Facility / Three Charged With Enslaving Disabled Ohio Mom, Child - These states share a border. And lunatics.

13 • Gruesome Video Appears To Be Aftermath Of Michael Hastings' Car Crash - Here's your chance to watch a wrecked car burn for five minutes. And if this ain't your cup of tea, you'll want to skip #4 for sure.

12 • Researchers Have Found A Way To Cram 1,000 Terabytes Onto A Single DVD - The disc said it was quite uncomfortable.

11 • The Academy Of Motion Pictures Currently Employs An Ex-Porn Director - Naturally...how else could the MPAA continue to screw people.

10 • A Battery So Small, You'll Never Know If It's Included - There's AA and AAA now, but this means AAAAAAAAAAAA is coming.

09 • Amanda Bynes: ‘I Got My Breast Implants Removed’ - 2013's boob of the year had hers normalized, but still has metal spikes in her cheeks and is out of her goddamn mind.

08 • AMA Declares Obesity A Disease - Huge (no pun intended) mistake. Lack of willpower does not have a prescription cure.

07 • Hollywood & Highland Allegation: She Took Picture Of Transients, They Stabbed Her To Death - My suggestion to kill all the homeless is worse than rounding them up for work interment camps, but I still theink both are effective ways to deal with the issue.

06 • Dim Star Becomes 7 Times Hotter In 160 Seconds - Not a reference to the Amanda Bynes story.

05 • Starbucks Raising Prices Despite Lower Bean Cost - The reason is because the, uh...because now it's more expensive to, um...oh, fuck it. They just greedy.

04 • Plane With Wing Walker Crashes At Ohio Show; 2 Die - The announcer is just making it worse before the actual crash.

03 • Standing Man: Turkey's Eerie, Powerful New Protest Movement - Far more successful than Sitting Man and Prone Man.

02 • Snake Expert Killed By Snake While Helping People With Fear Of Snakes - Or, ironic death ironically adds to irony.

01 • British Spy Agency Is Saving Everyone's Email And Calls Too - Nice to see our colonial progenitors are keeping up with their kids.

Cancergirl

The Real Housewives of Who Gives A Fuck's Bethenny Frankel created Skinnygirl Margarita, a low-cal alcohol that adds a little special flavor from a preservative that can cause cancer. I hope she was serious in her tweet when she said she’d be starting off the weekend enjoying a Skinnygirl Margarita. And drinking and drinking...

The bottle may read "the margarita you can trust", but try telling Whole Foods that, who are taking the drink out of the 16 markets that stock it. One of it's ingredients is the preservative sodium benzoate - conveniently no listed on the bottle on the bottle - that when combined with an ascorbic acid like citrus (in a margarita - what are the chances?), it can form a carcinogen known as benzene.

Now, there are plenty of things that are bad for you, and even more that you're enjoying which companies won't disclose, but it's a fantastic new low to completely deny the claims. "With all due respect to Whole Foods...they represent an infinitesimal fraction of our business. We represent the largest growing spirits brand in the US...and everyone tries to tear down a success. This is a non-event," Frankel said.

You products can cause cancer and your response it to tout how successful your company is and call the potential health risk a non-event? I pray there is a class-action lawsuit in the future to bitchslap Frankel so hard, no amount of plastic surgery could make her look right.

Grey Area

Remember when Traci Lords left the adult film industry to become influential politician? Or when Jenna Jameson quit the biz to storm the medical field an cure diseases? Yeah, which is why we've heard the last of Sasha Grey.

Arguably the most famous porn star in the world, Marina Ann Hantzis Sasha Grey has hung up her vagina and is retiring from the interracial anal, bisexual three-ways, and facials that defined her career (how horrible is it to have your career defined by ass-to-mouth sex and double penetrations?). She said:

It’s become quite evident that my time as an adult film performer has expired. Don’t worry, I haven’t found Jesus. One thing is for certain, I’m proud to say I have no regrets, I genuinely feel I accomplished everything I could as a performer. I was able to work with the industry’s most professional performers and companies, and I’ll always cherish the friends and relationships I was able to build. It was simply the perfect time for me to move on… while I was on top (pun indeed, intended). Life sometimes takes us in a direction we never could have imagined.

Apparently, her crossover "success" has gone to her head. Starring in Steven Soderbergh’s The Girlfriend Experience (which grossed barely $1 million on a skeletal $1.3 million budget) as an escort and as, well, herself in Entourage, I'd hardly call playing a sex worker success. She's modeled and made music only as a result of the name and recognition garnered from porn, but who's going to have any interest in either of those from her in few years?

Her latest non-sex move was the recently released book, Neü Sex, which she calls, "my visual mosaic through photography, my sexual philosophy, and observations". Oh, the only thing worse than a porn star who doesn't know when to keep her mouth shut (or open), is one who thinks they're a goddamn artist and intellectual. Sure, people are allowed to not be defined by just one thing - look at excellent crossover to acting by Madonna or William Shatner's singing career...oh wait, those were both jokes - but Sasha Grey is just trying to milk every last mile out of her fame as she goes further away from the one thing that made her. Jenna Jameson's more recent career move? Domestic abuse charges against Tito Ortiz in 2010. Keep that in mind, Sasha...

You'll always be the 2007 AVN Award winner for Best Three-Way Sex Scene (y'know, in Fuck Slaves with Sandra Romain and Manuel Ferrara) to me.

See you back in the business in 2013.

She's Got That X-Factor (Not Really)

Does England have a Jersey Shore? Or is it just being on the Atlantic creates trash?

Chloe Heald, aka "Chloe Mafia" or "Chloe Victoria" as she called herself on television, goes by "Candy" when she advertises herself on a British escort site. Candy is a "100% English Yorkshire dirty slut", and her most recent sex ad was posted a few days before she appeared on The X Factor.

Allegedly, her asking price was $250/hour or $1600/night, but after her appearance, she's up to $400/hour or $2400/night. Chloe maintains the stories are false and that she is merely a private dancer. Hmmm, I think the 19-year-old is really a prostitute, and that it's said she's been arrested 140 times and has a two-year-old daughter doesn't change my mind. Sometime the proof is in the Yorkshire pudding...or videos of her doing coke and being deconstructed from her nasty whorebag state.

Lost Weekend

Monday morning you'll get not only the complaints, but the mass suicides that accompany tragic ends. Will Lost be any different than the other epic show endings? For sure they won't be answering six years worth of building questions, though the latter half of this season has been chipping away at some of the broader story lines. I look forward to the conclusion with equal parts excitement and sorrow. Unfortunately I'm left with even less to watch in an already bleak television landscape.

Best of the week: Man-made DNA has booted up a cell for the first time. Things are going to start getting strange. Maybe I need to start watching Fringe...

The feat itself is the culmination of two and a half years of tests and adjustments. Researchers at the J. Craig Venter Institute inserted artificial genetic material into cells that were then able to grow naturally. You want to have designer genes? Now you've got them. On a Friday in March, scientists inserted over 1 million base pairs of synthetic DNA into Mycoplasma capricolum cells before leaving for the weekend. When they returned on Monday, their cells had bloomed into colonies. And asked why they had to work on the weekend and the scientists didn't.

When it was announced in early 2008 they had assembled a synthetic Mycoplasma genitalium genome, their recent success was expected, but far sooner. Initially, the M. genitalium had an extremely slow growth rate, and slow results. And successful transplantation of the new DNA was failing, so they switched to Mycoplasma mycoides. Dipping costs to create the synthesis also accelerated the process.

Usable new genomes are still years off from being perfected, but this is the start of something huge.

Plus: American Apparel announced a $17.6 million loss for the first quarter of 2010, which could result in them defaulting on one of their loans. Is the end near for pseudo-pornographic clothing ads?

Company revenues were up almost 7% compared to the same period last year, but their operating loss was a lot bigger than the 2009 first quarter figures. Overall, the company is now more than $91 million in debt. Hey Dov, stop fondling the help and start running the company better. The manufacturer is trying to restructure the loan deal, but it's not sure it will be able to. "There can be no assurance that if either or both of these events were to take place, that the company would be able to obtain the additional sources of liquidity required to continue operations." Basically, they'll shut down without operational funds.

Realistically, they won't close because the brand is too big and too visible. But you can certainly expect new ownership to swoop in and pick up the company for a good value in return for covering the debt.

Also: Never mind that designer DNA of the future - right now they're working on fixing your biotech issues!

A team in France have implanted the first functional glucose biofuel cell in rats. The biofuel cell uses glucose and oxygen present in the body at all times Do you get it? Bio-batteries! Previous attempts failed because of the dangerously-acidic conditions needed for the cell, but by placing the electrodes and enzymes inside a dialysis bag, the the acidity stays inside but allows oxygen and glucose to flow through.

The biofuel cell would likely be used to power implanted medical devices like pacemakers, a goal similar to other in-development implantable power generators such as the ones using vibration and body heat. The maximum power achieved so far is 6.5 microwatts - and a pacemaker needs 10, but instead of having to open people up every ten years to replace the battery, this could have a significant result. And eventually power some other cool gizmos, like that camera eye or ear microphone recorder. And wait until you see the sex implants.

And: Both Shrek Forever After and MacGruber both open today, and one of them is not taking the box office competition lightly. Enter, Shrek Exposed, a new website that shows pictures of Shrek dressed as Hitler and masturbating to religious figures. I knew it!

Everyone knows that Shrek is a chronic masturbator, but do you know about his habit of masturbating on beloved public personalities, successful business people, and religious figures? I bet not. Shrek has been distributing images of himself ejaculating on photos of the Pope (pictured), Celine Dion, Buddha, the CEO of Home Depot, Rachel Ray, the CFO of Citigroup, and many, many more. Is nothing sacred to this disgusting ogre?

And I'm so sick and tired of the Shrek advertising onslaught, I don't mind what the marketing department kids are doing for MacGruber. Well played!

Best picture of the week:

they may not want to talk about it on The View, but Julie Bowen can breastfeed on this site whenever she wants

Best bonus links:

• Trail Of Blood Leads To 'Fight Club' - It better. How disappointing if it led to a plate of homemade cookies instead?

• First-Ever Sighting Of Jesus In A Lung - Praise the lung? At least they can't put it up on eBay and try to make a profit off it. People don't find the lord, they find his value.

• Blowgun Woman: I Like To Hear People Say 'Ouch' - One of the more obscure fetishes out there, but still illegal.

• The Top 10 Aqua Teen Hunger Force Moments Of The Decade - It may be past it's prime, but after 100 episodes and 10 years, there's still lots of laughs over that time.

• Man Accused Of Offering To Swap Baby For Beer - It was for two 40-ounce beers, if that helps you understand what was at stake.

• Shia LaBeouf: I 'Dropped The Ball' On 'Indiana Jones' Sequel - Everyone did. At least you have the balls to take some blame for it's massive suckatude.

• Inner-City Stabbing Leaves 5 Maidless - Somewhere, there are a lot of sad trophy wives.

• Teen Idol Justin Bieber Vs. Glass Door - The glass door wins! Damn it, someone get that video posted, stat!

• Pee-Wee Leaving The Playhouse For Broadway Stint - Not bad for a guy who's career was once railroaded on account of enjoying a film he was watching. How else does one watch porn?

• Sarah McLachlan Says Lilith Sales Pretty Soft - Is there a lesbian joke in there somewhere? Methinks yes!

• CBS Cancels Seven Series, Including Ghost Whisperer, Numb3rs And Cold Case - One of the first broadcasting moves they've made that I can get behind.

• DWP To Fire 2 Workers Caught On Tape Apparently Drinking, Driving And Patronizing Strip Club - it's doesn't stand for department of wild partying, though they did give it an honest try

• U2's Bono Has Emergency Back Surgery In Germany - It was necessary after years of patting himself on it. He's lucky he didn't also break his arm trying to do it all those times.

• What It Looks Like When Shoggoths Invade Your Home - Worse than ants, termites, and even rodents are unwelcome Ancient Ones.

• Husband Bails From Moving Vehicle After Wife Refuses To 'Shut Up' - This would be my favorite story of the week if he was driving the car at the time.

• 49% Of California Voters Back Legalizing Pot, Poll Finds - The other 51% are worried that they won't be able to get the good shit anymore if they legalize it.

• Rocker Bret Michaels Back In Hospital After Suffering 'Warning Stroke' - All strokes are a warning. A warning you're going to die.

Worst of the week: Lindsay Lohan, public enemy #1.

Instead of completing the few remaining hours of community service and alcohol education classes for her probation, she thought it would be a better idea to got to Cannes and learn firsthand about alcohol. Which was a bad idea. With time running out, she had to face the facts - there were no flights available for her to take back on time because of the volcano situation in Iceland! Except there were.

On the eve of the date she had to return to America to go before the judge and prove she stuck to the terms of her probation, she was still in France, coming up with a more plausible excuse reason not to return. And then she found it - her passport was stolen! Brilliant! But did she go and apply for a new one? That would be a big no. What good would that do? Those "flights" are still all "unavailable"...

Naturally, a judge issued a warrant Thursday for her arrest after Lohan missed the mandatory hearing, but don't expect her to be arrested at the airport. They've conveniently set bail at $100,000. And it didn't seem to worry Lohan much either, who was partying halfway around the world as the paperwork was being filed, likely because she had received a "new" passport, though there's no record of her doing that.

And that arrest? Now that 10% of the bail has been paid, there won't be, because it counts the same as paying the full amount. Yeah, I don't get it either, but really, she's just the victim in all this. Lohan claims her father is behind the theft of her passport. Seriously. Like a Machiavellian genius, who happens to wear mesh shirts. Some would ask about a picture of her in Cannes just arm's reach from a fat line of coke, but you know the answer to that by now. You see, It's all part of a big conspiracy to frame her.

She's so amazingly stupid that there may need to be a new category of retardation created just for her. Can she just pull a Monroe and OD already?

Plus: The so-called autism diet, a gluten-free, casein-free eating plan, does not appear to improve the symptoms of children with autism spectrum disorder (ASD). Looks like Jenny McCarthy isn't going to get that spokeperson gig after all...

About one in 110 U.S. children has ASD, which includes classic autism as well as Asperger's syndrome and other forms marked by difficulties in social interaction and communication. Bowel problems are also common in ASD children. Also, let me point out that bowel problems are also common in other children.

The use of the so-called autism diet has become popular, but in the small group of children studied, researchers "did not see a demonstrable improvement". The new study results follow another report, concluding that 14 published studies of the gluten-free, casein-free diet did not find it useful.

I won't bore you with details, but the child subjects participated in intensive behavior intervention to make the group as similar as possible. All children were put on a strict gluten-free, casein-free diet before getting a snack once a week with either 20 grams of wheat flour, 20 grams of evaporated milk, both, or neither. This lasted for several months.

The autism diet has become popular based on a theory that some children have insufficient enzyme activity in their gastrointestinal tracts, resulting in incomplete digestion of casein, a protein found in milk and other dairy products, and gluten, a protein found in wheat, barley, and other grains. The incomplete breakdown is what leads to the symptoms, advocates of the dietary approach contend. But where's the tie to autism? Oh, I guess there isn't any link between autism and digestive problems.

Critics might point out that an 18-week study is not long enough to produce real change, adding, "Some parents would say six months to a year [is needed to notice changes]". But I say fuck them. They're just parents with kids that have autism, not scientists. They're just going to continue to deny it until they get the results they want.

Also: Previously unknown California gubernatorial candidate Douglas Hughes has a grand idea for the state's male sex offenders. I'll give you a hint - if you currently live on Santa Rose Island, you're going to want to move.

Under his plan, male "convicted pedophiles" would have three choices: leave California forever, stay in prison for the rest of their lives, or move to self-sustaining "Pedophile Island." That's the catchy new moniker for Santa Rosa Island, part of Channel Islands National Park near Santa Barbara. According to Hughes, "The maintenance of Santa Rosa Island is a waste of taxpayer's money. Most of the visitors who go there are Park Rangers or environmentalists, not the general public." And who cares if they get molested?

Here's how it'll work:

The first of pedophiles to go to the island would be a lead team for "their society" such as police, fire personnel, judges, fish and game agents, forest rangers, ranchers, farmers, building contractors, surveyors, and the like to establish the "Island" community. This lead team will be responsible for creating a master plan for the "Island. The "Island's" master plan will include the construction of city hall, a medical facility, water department, police and fire departments, as well as provide for the farm, ranch and housing areas. All construction will be completed by the pedophiles assigned to the "Island".

The first order of business will be to establish temporary housing, the farm, and the ranch. The "Island" pedophiles will write their own "Island" constitution. The constitution will be reviewed for any improvements by a State of California department to be formed to oversee the "Island". This will all occur until enough pedophiles have moved to the "Island" making the "Island" community self-sufficient.

Life on the "Island" will include certain restrictions such as they may never leave the "Island", and they may never bring children to the "Island". If they don't want to live this way they should have left the state. However, once they choose the island that will be their home for the duration of their life.

While pedophiles are Hughes' foundation, there are other bizarre stances. Here he is on oil:

All oil sites must be in a "Ready" condition at all times and kept primed at all times. If we are cut off from the World Oil supply; we must be ready! All possible oil sites must be drilled and made ready. For this the land-owners should be given a percentage of the take. All land owners that will be affected by oil smells or unsightly wells with heavy traffic or pipelines, should be compensated.

And on drugs:

As Governor, I will enforce a program that gives addicts three choices:
1. To buy drugs from the state for ½ price of the street price.
2. Buy drugs from the street at full price.
3. Accept rehabilitation.

Wow, that really solves the problem...of finding drugs if you're a junkie. And his high-speed rail plan seems a little bit like this Chinese idea. And let's not kid ourselves about how whacked out China is. Hughes is really trying hard to make California look it's craziest.

And: Facebook's CEO came up with a way of predicting who any given user would be dating one week in the future. Data mining and privacy intrusion...just for fun!

According to The Facebook Effect, a new book about CEO Mark Zuckerberg, his teams would comb through user data and look for patterns:

As the service's engineers built more and more tools that could uncover such insights, Zuckerberg sometimes amused himself by conducting experiments. For instance, he concluded that by examining friend relationships and communications patterns he could determine with about 33 percent accuracy who a user was going to be in a relationship with a week from now. To deduce this he studied who was looking which profiles, who your friends were friends with, and who was newly single, among other indicators.

Once you get past the creepy voyeurism, look at the most evil implications, like targeted advertising opportunities. Do those flower delivery and restaurant ads seem more suspect now? Zuckerberg wants to advance the process, having already created an entire data science team to find interesting patterns. It's only a matter of time until others know you better than you know yourself...

Worst picture of the week:

typical rich asshole at Cannes

Worst bonus links:

• Charlie Sheen To Earn Nearly $2 Mil An Episode On 'Men' - And now they've ruined all that good will from cancelling those other programs. That's too much money to not be funny.

• Explosion At Turkish Coal Mine Traps 32 Workers - The only thing worse than a Turkish coal mine is a Turkish bathhouse.

• Courtney Love: I Had A Lesbian Fling With Kate Moss - Some things can not be unseen. Even if they're in your mind.

• Mercedes Decide Against Schumacher Appeal / F1 Safety Car Rules Amended - If Brundle said it looked legal, then that's good enough for me. I don't get why Mercedes isn't appealing, because the drop down to 12th was an unnecessary penalty. And clearly it's grey enough that they're immediately making a rules revision.

• I Liked Celebrities More Before Twitter - The biggest, overeacting bitchboy, ever. Quit your crying and shut up, sissy.

• Swingers' Case Tests Sexual Limits In China - Anything sexual tests China's limits. And most things non-sexual, too.

• Kate Hudson: I'm Comfortable With My Body's Imperfections - Unless they're her breasts, which is why she had that recent boob job.

• The Dead Weather Drops 2nd Abum In A Year - They could drop one a month and it still wouldn't be any good. Jack White should focus on quality, not quantity.

• Woman Sues Cell Phone Company After Her Husband Discovers Her Affair - Phone company to countersue her for being a stupid whore. And they're going to win.

• Report: Landis Admits Doping And Fingers Armstrong - Cheating and inappropriate touching? That's two no-no's.

• Arizona Official Threatens To Cut Off Electricity To L.A. In Retaliation For Boycott - You want us to get a third of out electricity from another state? I'm sure they'll be happy to oblige.

• Guitarist Falls Ill After Taking Viagra - More proof that shitty musicians with limp dicks can't handle their drugs.

• State Dinner Goes Smoothly, Despite Salahi Driveby - First they're crashing events, now they're doing drive-bys? They're hardcore!

• Kings Assistant Arrested On Sex-Abuse Charge In DC - Not quite the start of the off-season I was hoping for.

• Source: Jen Aniston Asked To Be Retouched On New Film - I think she should be retouched in everything she does with images of Diora Baird.

• Justin Bieber: I'm a Great Kisser - His preferred makeout spot: the Wal-Mart rest stop, he says. That's an actual part from the post, not my comic stylings.

• Wal-Mart Still Selling Miley Cyrus Cadmium Jewelry - Even without the toxic cadmium, it's still awful.

Anniversary Weekend

Scarlett and I are headed up to The City for a little anniversary celebrating, even though depending on who you ask is a few weeks or a few months past due. But while we're out, you can celebrate a full year's worth of Velvet Glove - Iron Fist, that interweb abomination I share in the blame (though more falls on Don MF Greeb). It was just a terrible dream come true, and though I have my favorites, take a look and celebrate with your own.

Best of the week: Any trip to a foreign land is incomplete without a chance to sample the foods, see the sights and purchase some pornography.

It's that last bit that got Carlos Alfredo Simon-Timmerman in trouble. He was detained by customs in Puerto Rico on his way back from a Venezuelan vacation. Agents found a copy of "Little Lupe the Innocent: Don't Be Fooled by Her Baby Face," starring Lupe Fuentes, in his luggage. Presumably after watching and re-watching the video several times to be sure, the customs officer - who somehow testified as an expert in child pornography - determined that Fuentes was "13–14 years of age," and Simon-Timmerman was subsequently arrested and held awaiting trial for months, facing a 20-year prison sentence.

The problem? Little Lupe, who was born in 1987, was definitely of legal age at the time of filming...if anyone involved in prosecuting Simon-Timmerman cared to look. Which they didn't.

Despite assorted forms of documentation that proved Fuentes' age, the feelings of the pair of "experts" - the customs agent and one Dr. Pedro R. Jaunarena, a pediatrician - overruled the evidence provided by the defense. His attorney contacted Fuentes, who verified that, yeah, she was a legal adult when she made the movies. Even still, this wasn't enough to challenge the prosecutor's confidence in the child porn experts, who by this time must have watched the video dozens, if not hundreds of times, in order to develop an unshakable faith in their own observations. The prosecution refused to subpoena the records from Fuentes' studio or even allow a copy of Fuentes' ID into evidence.

So it came down to Little Lupe herself flying to Puerto Rico to show her passport to the prosecutor, and testify under oath that she was not really 13 years old. "My fans mean everything to me, " Fuentes said. "It was important to me to make the trip to Puerto Rico to show support to someone who did no wrong." Other than being stupid enough to drag their prons on an international flight. Just download it like the rest of us.

I submit this as evidence for Puerto Rico to never get statehood.

And: Could everyone's favorite anti-Islam pickup truck that was also maybe racist? Well the Virginian driver of the beautiful vehicle is now speaking out and telling the world that he is no racist. (but maybe his Facebook is)

Aside from the graphics on his truck, there was some controversy about his vanity license plate, which seemed to contain some coded references to Nazism and a notorious white supremacist. The fellow, Douglas Story, would like everybody to know that he loves Jews and also NASCAR, but not Nazis:

"There is absolutely no way I'd have anything to do with Hitler or Nazis." Story said. My sister-in-law and my niece are Jewish. I went to my niece's bat mitzvah when she turned 13 three years ago. Does that sound like something an anti-Semite would do?" Story says the numbers 14 and 88 on his plate were not references to a white power slogan or "Heil Hitler," as the Council on American-Islamic Relations theorized, but an homage to his favorite NASCAR drivers: Tony Stewart, who drives car No. 14, and Dale Earnhardt Jr., who drives No. 88. Story applied for the vanity plate in March 2009, shortly after Earnhardt changed his car number from 8 to 88 and Stewart changed his from 20 to 14.

Or does that mean Dale Earnhardt Jr. and Tony Stewart are Nazis? Mr. Story still has one important passion in life: he still really hates the Muslim stuff. He says he doesn't know who took the photo of his truck in a handicapped parking spot, leading to it becoming a viral sensation on the web. "Probably someone who obviously has a soft spot for Islam," he said. So is this Facebook profile real or fake? Tune in and find out...

Best picture of the week:

stop teasing and just do it already

Best bonus links:

• Police Barred From Penis Enlargement - Wasn't that the issue that spurred them into a law enforcement career?

• Alexander McQueen High On Cocaine, Tranquilizers When He Hanged Himself - Well played, sir. You couldn't be jacking off and go for the trifecta?

• Admiral Ackbar: The Toilet - Obligatory "It's A Crap" joke here.

• L.A. Police Hunting Man With 'Bourne-Like' Identity - Or is he hunting them? The hunt is on!

• Muslim Says Mistresses Are The French Way Of Life - French Muslims must be the most arrogant, self-righteous people in the world. But they're on to something with this mistress thing.

• Make Your Own Homemade Snickers Bars - Sounds like fun, if you have the cooking abilities. Which I don't...so somebody whip me up a batch

• China Loses Bronze Medal Because Of Young Dong - You use the young Dong, you pay the price. Or they could have said China's women's gymnastics disqualified after Dong found out.

• Girl Survives Sting From World's Most Venomous Creature - This is not a run-in with Perez Hilton, but actually something much worse.

• The Costco Prank - Totally awesome injection of chaos into corporate America. And the heartland.

• The Best Name In Show Business - And it's on television screens each week. And the only good thing about the show.

• Password Card Hides Mentally Encrypted Passwords in Your Wallet - Can you remember where you left your wallet, though?

• Killer Gets Life Sentence For Burning Homeless Man To Death - Though a noble solution to the every growing problem, still not a legal one.

• Perry Farrell Lists Venice House For $1.6 Million - Anybody got a few bucks they can loan me. It is a sweet pad.

• Man Hid From Police In A Vat Of Poo - He really got himself into deep shit. (you had to see that one coming)

• The Slave Leia Car Wash Company - Sadly, not replacing the brushless wash on my corner. If only they cleaned the car owners, and then nerds everywhere would finally not smell like their basement lairs.

• Navy To Allow Women To Serve On Submarines - Women and seamen in a confined space is a recipe for trouble. And with smoking banned, what are they going to do afterwards?

• Nazi Pedophile, Torturer, Cult Leader In Chile Dies - This guy really went for broke to become everything horrible you could be in a lifetime. Rot in Hell, you bastard.

Worst of the week: I'll take all the Bret Michaels jokes you want to throw out there, but this article spawned a new circle of hell...

"Bret Michaels' Brain Hemorrhage May Affect Pantene Campaign." Are you shitting me? Nope:

After Bret Michaels helped launch a contest for what's been billed as the "world's first reality TV ad" for Pantene, the rock star's recent health problems mean the Procter & Gamble Co. brand may need to seek a plan B for the contest prize.

The rock star is being treated in the intensive care unit of an undisclosed Arizona hospital from a brain hemorrhage suffered last week, and physicians have yet to determine the source of the bleeding, according to press reports.

The long-locked Poison frontman had been part of a lead-in to the restage of Pantene, complete with tweets suggesting that he might become a celebrity spokesman for the brand, though he was really part of the prize in a promotion announced on April Fool's Day.

The winner of a video contest to become a "reality" participant in a May 25 TV commercial alongside Pantene pitchwoman Stacy London is to receive tickets to a Bret Michaels concert this summer as part of a "Be the Rock Star You Are" package, which also includes first-class airfare, a ride in Mr. Michaels' tour bus and backstage passes.

The contest continues, with 12 finalists to do test shoots in New York next month. But the part of the prize having to do with Mr. Michaels may have to be put on hold or changed based on his health, a P&G spokesman said.

"We wish him a speedy recovery, and we're certainly hoping for the very best," the spokesman said, adding that no decisions have been made yet regarding any changes in the promotion.

Prior to his hospitalization last week, Mr. Michaels had an emergency appendectomy April 12 after canceling a concert at Sea World in San Antonio, Texas, due to stomach pain.

Who the fuck other than P&G marketing douches care about, let along know that there's a Bret Michaels / Pantene campaign anyway? Scumtastically low, and a feat even by (the lack of) advertising standards.

And: Hollywood Sucks, Episode 367.

Yes, they announced they're making a movie based on the Magic-8 Ball. I wish I was kidding. After Candyland, Battleship, Risk, Bazooka Joe, Asteroids, View-Master, and Ouija Board movies found their way into production, there's nothing left to joke about without the very real chance it's also in some stage of development.

And aside from making unnecessary bad movies, they'll continue to remake good ones. Vince at Film Drunk said, "Commando is indisputably the high-water mark of 80s action movies. Arnold Schwarzenegger fed deer with his daughter, jumped out of moving jets, used rose bushes for cover against sub machine gun fire, chopped people’s arms off, and said things like, 'You’ll have to excuse my friend; he’s dead tired.' You can’t remake a movie like that. I mean, you can, and there have been at least 30 movies with the same basic plot since then, but what makes Commando Commando is that it’s so 80's. So Arnold." And no sooner said than put into development.

So wonder why then movies you want to see can't get made. No, Anchorman 2 is not happening. Paramount, who owns the project so it can’t be made at another studio, passed on it. Even though Will Ferrell, Steve Carell, and Paul Rudd agreed to return for it. And were taking pay cuts. And the film budget was reduced. Burn Hollywood, burn.

Worst picture of the week:

someone added a clit ring to a tree in Williamsburg. fuck you, hipsters

Worst bonus links:

• Indiana Grandmother Is Having a New Baby. With Her Grandson - We're coming out the gate strong with horrible links. This is just pure awful.

• Police Say Texan Decapitated Wife With Chain Saw - But it is Texas, so he probably didn't even turn the thing on.

• Idaho Scientists Find Fabled Worm - Hooray, your life has purpose. Well, not that much...you spend all your time looking for a rare worm. Idaho needs to get some night life.

• U.S. Soldiers in Afghanistan Made a Lady Gaga Music Video - I thought this was the reason we had "Don't ask, don't tell". This is why the terrorists hate us. And now I hate us too.

• Petside Poll: Pets Listen Better Than Husbands - I don't know what a petside poll is, but it's useless. That's why they're husbands and not pets - and they acually understand what you're telling them. They're just smart enough to ignore you.

• Driver's Thumbs Insured For $13 Million - A ridiculous amount for any part of Alonso to be worth. But clearly a safegard from his teammate Massa, who'll have to break Alonso's hands if he want's to win.

• French Church Recruits Young Priests Via Facebook - And French priest recruit alterboys the same way.

• Shakira Visiting Phoenix Over Immigration Law - Thank God Shakira is on the case! I can't remember a more meaningful involvement by a celebrity since Wilt Chamberlain went to the Watergate Hotel.

• NY Police Tell Parents That Son Is Dead...He's Not - And they were totally planning to remodel his room and set up a gym.

• How To Make A Soccer Ball From A Condom - Yes, show the third worlders how to keep from having safe sex. At least all their offspring will have a game to play!

• Julia Roberts Named World's Most Beautiful By People / Lady Gaga, Robert Pattinson Dubbed 'Most Influential' By Time Magazine - People and Time magazines named least credible publications.

• Man Stabs 28 Children At Kindergarten In China / 5 Preschoolers Hit With Hammer In New China Attack - Completely insane. If you keep putting chemicals in the foods and medicine, people are going to go apeshit this this.

• Chelsea Clinton Admonishes Bill To Lose 15 Lbs. For Her Summer Wedding - Daddy's not the problem. Why don't you work on your 15 lbs of ugly first, you dream haunting goblin?

• Ricky Martin Criticizes Arizona's Immigration Law - Oh shit! Now the gay one from Menudo is taking on the the Grand Canyon State! Listen you one trick pony, you already tried to have a media moment with your non-revalation, so just leave the outrage to the professionals. If this thing is turning out to be shitty Latin pop artists versus a racist illegal law, I'm siding with Arizona no matter how wrong they are.

• Fake Rap Poetry Slam 4 Jesus, Or, Dear 2012 - Jesus Christ this is awful. It is the Rapture for rapping.

• Cleaners Paint Over Priceless Art - It was a Banksy, and while it is great, is it priceless? Those public servants, just following orders...

• Woman Bites Man After Being Called Fat - Not disproving the point there either, tubby.

Jihad On Arizona

Jimmy at Celeb Jihad had the breaking news:

Pop sensation Selena Gomez was arrested in Arizona and has been deported, the associated press is reporting. The move comes just days after the state’s tough new immigration law came into effect.

According to a local official who wished to remain anonymous, Selena raised the suspicion of an Arizona State Trooper when she was spotted riding a donkey through a Home Depot parking lot with a cardboard sign reading “will work for churro.” When police questioned Selena, she was unable to provide proper documentation proving her citizenship. She was then arrested, booked and deported.

Several switchblades and three live chickens were found among Selena’s possessions. Police speculate that the birds were to be used in an illegal cock fight later that evening.

As an illegal immigrant to this country, I must protest this unjust, inhumane treatment. Citizens of Arizona should be ashamed of themselves. It’s been years since my student visa expired, but in that time I’ve become an active member of my community. Every month, the 1/3 of my disability check that I don’t send to Hamas is spent at local businesses, most of which are owned by my cousin Anwar. I have also become involved with local government, and recently started a petition that seeks to outlaw Christmas and require women over the age of eight to remain in their homes for the duration of their monthly mensuration.

As you can see, I am as American as apple pie. That’s why I say free Selena!

Dear God, Your Aim Is Off

the famed gaysosceles triangle

Our first D-List casualty of 2010! Huzzah! Casey Johnson, the heiress to the Johnson & Johnson fortune who's only reason for being in the public eye is the box she eats her choice of relationships, died at 30. Who's got the pool going? Give me $10 on lorazepam mixed with hydrocodone!

She recently made tabloid headlines with a purported engagement to reality whore Tila Tequila. But now she's not really making any. Her death was announced by Tequila on her Twitter page and confirmed by police. And the only online coverage is scattered on gossip sites like OMG! and People, but not hard news main pages like Yahoo!, and had limited television coverage on the local channels. Like Jimi Hendrix said, "I'm gonna die when it's my time to die," but you can kill me now if fucking Twitter breaks then news of my demise, and that it's Tila Tequila who announces it.

Los Angeles police and firefighters were called to a house at 11:51 a.m. and Johnson was pronounced dead at the scene. "It appears to be a natural death," says police officer Sara Faden, who is clearly a total idiot. Shut up, you stupid rookie! "There's no evidence of foul play. A toxicology report from the coroner's office will proceed next." Yes, and reveal what drugs killed a 30 year old. This isn't 1840 and we're taking the Oregon Trail, and you die starting in your late twenties.

Johnson, who leaves a toddler daughter Ava whom she had adopted, because hey, even rich girls get bored. She was the great-great granddaughter of the founder of the pharmaceutical giant, and the daughter of New York Jets owner Robert Wood Johnson. And don't forget she had a spectacularly opulent and awesome life which even in her 30 years was better than yours, so don't feel bad for her.

An openly gay socialite (holla!), Johnson had a knack for attracting paparazzi and trouble. A nasty fight with ex-girlfriend Courtenay (that's a stupid spelling) Semel, daughter of former Yahoo! chief Terry Semel (hmmm, hence their lack of coverage?), reportedly resulted in Johnson's hair catching on fire last October. Then in November, she was arrested for allegedly breaking into another former girlfriend's house. Way to go psycho!

In December, Tequila announced the pair were engaged. "Tonight, my beautiful girlfriend has just asked me to marry her and check out this rock," the lingerie-wearing Tequila said in an online video. "Bam! That is a 17-carat diamond ring from my baby." Yes, the infamous uploaded video press release, to really make sure that the right folks get the breaking news before anyone else!

Prepare yourself for a wave of attention-seeking from Tequila as this fades from our lives and is replace by more important things, like which paper towel should I buy at the market? Anybody who feels like losing a few dollars can bet against me that the distraught whorebot will have a new romance cooking by Valentine's Day. Nice try there, God, but you need to lead them a little bit. Take a deep breath and exhale, and as you do, that's when you pull the trigger. Work on your aim, and try again.

Home Stretch Weekend

It's a meaty chapter I have to work on in order to give Scartoe terra firma for his last shot at His Words - Not Mine glory, and then this whole thing will be wrapped up so we can give thanks for turkey as well as completing this beast. I gotta get to it, so here's the scoop for the past week...

Best of the week: Takedown!

According to Israel, a cargo ship seized with of hundreds of tons of rockets, missiles, mortars, grenades and anti-tank weapons was headed for Hezbollah guerrillas in Lebanon. Not anymore, bitches!

Israel stopped the ship, the Francop, which bore writing in English that said "I.R. Iranian Shipping Lines Group", off the coast of Cyprus and towed it to the port of Ashdod. It carried orange, red, white and blue containers piled three deep on its deck. Rows of crates from the vessel were displayed on the dock, and inside were rockets, hand grenades, mortars and ammunition. At least 3,000 missiles were on board, and the seizure was the largest ever.

Among the weaponry displayed were Katyusha rockets. One of the long skinny missiles sat atop a pile of storage boxes the military had labeled in Hebrew "rocket 122 mm." The 122 mm Katyusha was the main weapon used against Israel by Hezbollah in a monthlong war in 2006. During that war, about 1,200 people were killed in Lebanon, most of them civilians, and about 160 people were killed in Israel. Some of the weapons were hidden in the Francop's containers behind stacked bags of polyethylene labeled in English "NPC National Petrochemical Company," and the flame logo used by both the company and the Iranian Petroleum Ministry. Israel said the huge weapons shipment backed up its long-standing contention that Iran is supplying large quantities of arms to Hezbollah and Hamas.

The Israeli military said cargo certificates showed the ship departed an Iranian port for Syria, from where the weapons would be transferred to Hezbollah in Lebanon. The military did not show the documents, and Syria denied the vessel was carrying weapons. Iran has never acknowledged giving weapons to Hezbollah and the seizure may also complicate relations with Egypt, where Israel says the weapons were loaded. The seizure came a day after Israeli officials said Hamas tested an Iranian rocket that can hit metropolitan Tel Aviv — bringing to the fore Israeli fears that both Hezbollah and Hamas are rearming for more confrontations.

Israel said the ship arrived in Beirut from Iran Oct. 28 and left the next day with a declared destination of Turkey. Instead, Israel said, it sailed to Damietta, Egypt, where the weapons were loaded. Its next destination was supposed to be Latakia in Syria, via Cyprus, Israel said. The vessel, sailing under an Antiguan flag, was operated by United Feeder Services, a Cyprus-based shipping company. An employee of the company's chartering department in Cyprus who would not identify himself confirmed the ship's destination but insisted the company did not know what was in the containers or where the cargo originated.

It's nice to see Israel bust these scumbags, but how much more red handed must these terrorist nations be before more is done to support Israel?

Also: Congratulations are in order! Police have determined a teen missing since 1954 was murdered! Time to retire!

Buried as Jane Doe in Colorado 55 years ago, Dorothy Gay Howard's disappearance took a historian, a detective and a determined family member to make the connection after more than a half century that these two people were one and the same.

The lead investigator in the case said Howard died of blunt-force trauma. She couldn't be identified because her body was found a week after she was killed, and animals had gotten to her face and fingers. At the time, the mystery made headlines across Colorado, and Boulder residents raised enough money to buy her a gravestone, which read "Jane Doe — April 1954 — Age About 20 Years."

Boulder County sheriff's have credited historian Silvia Pettem with encouraging them to renew efforts to identify Jane Doe. Meanwhile, Howard's grandniece Michelle Marie Fowler decided to contact them after reading an article about Jane Doe and asked for a DNA sample. Authorities think that it was serial killer Harvey Glatman, executed in 1959 in California, who was responsible. Glatman, who confessed to killing three women, had time in a Colorado state prison for violent assaults on women, including one about a quarter of a mile from where Howard's body was found. Because of marks on her body, evidence at the scene and a passing reference Glatman made to a California police detective, Police theory is that Glatman hit Howard with his car as she tried to get away.

Now, on to the rest of the cases from the 1950s!

And: The meek shall not inherit, but the horny might.

Inspired by the comment on another blog, "By 2100 Everyone Will Be Part Duggar," Maggie Koerth-Baker at Boing Boing set out to see whether that might actually be true:

After all, back in 2003, researchers figured out that 8% of all men living in central and east Asia--a huge proportion of the global population--are likely descendants of Mongol ruler/horde-leader Genghis Khan. I contacted some of the researchers involved in that project to find out whether we can project that kind of genetic impact forward in time as well. The answer: Kinda-sorta.

"It's really just a little simple math," said Spencer Wells, Ph.D., Explorer-in-Residence with the National Geographic Society, working on their Genographic Project, which traces human migration patterns by studying DNA markers. "If you imagine that each of the Duggars' 19 kids has 19 kids, for only four generations--that's only going for 100 years--there would be 130,000 descendants of this one couple."

But, at the same time, it's not as easy as all that. Wells, and colleague Chris Tyler-Smith, Ph.D.,head of the Human Evolution team at The Wellcome Trust Sanger Institute, said it's too early to tell what the Duggars' genetic impact on America will be.

Let's look back at Khan again. And clarify things a bit, while we're at it. It's important to point out that nobody knows for certain that 8% of Asian men are descendants of the Mongol leader. What we know is that those men share a collection of genetic mutations--a haplotype--on the Y chromosome, which suggests that they all shared a common male ancestor. Y chromosomes are passed from father to son intact, without the shake-n-bake interference of maternal DNA. So Y chromosomes don't get remixed each generation, but they do, occasionally, pick up a small change here and there from random mutation. Scientists know roughly how often those mutations happen, so they can look at a haplotype, see how different it is from the general population, and get an idea of when that family group broke off from the herd. In this case, the point of origination would have been about 1000 years ago, give or take.

Scientists associate the haplotype with Genghis Khan not because all the men who share it have a predilection for little furry hats, but because of simple logical deduction. It's a rare guy who is going to have enough children, and whose children will have enough children (and etc.) to leave such a big mark on such a large geographic area. Historically, we know that around 800 years ago, old Genghis was doing quite a bit of marrying, concubinage and raping/pillaging. And we know that his immediate descendants were also powerful men who were able to have a lot of children, with a lot of different women, in a lot of different places. Chris Tyler-Smith explains it thusly, "So we can either say that there were two separate events: One, Genghis Khan's lineage, which was present in Mongolia 800 years ago and we know was greatly amplified over the next centuries, has disappeared from the current gene pool, while another lineage that arose in the same place around the same time has reached high frequency without leaving any trace in history. Or we can say that Genghis Khan's lineage and the star cluster lineage were the same. To me, this second possibility is the simpler explanation. Indirect, but a bit more than guesswork."

To tie this whole Mongolian warlord thing back to the Duggars, just look at the kids. Genghis' sons, grandsons, and great-grandsons were privileged by his power and wealth. They had the means to support BIG families, and the social capital to acquire those families. In fact, they had the social obligation to breed it up. And, thus, did the not-exactly-meek-and-peaceful Khan inherit most of Asia.

Whether the scientists of 2800 are studying the Duggar haplotype depends on how many babies the 19 Duggar kids, and their kids, have. In this case, it's not necessarily a given that the parents' productivity will be inherited. If growing up in America's biggest TV family leaves most of the kids gun-shy, so to speak, the family could end up with no more of a long-term genetic footprint than the rest of us. On the other hand, there are certainly social and religious factors encouraging the Duggarlets to follow in their parents' footsteps. And, if a large number of them do, and if their kids carry on the family tradition...we could well be on the way to welcoming our Duggar overlords. Genetically speaking.

Best picture of the week:

vote for Joey Lombard

Best bonus links:
• Surging Kings Halt Pens' 7-0 Road Start - When you rally from behind and score four in a row to beat last year's Stanley Cup champs, that's a good thing.

• Army Bomb Disposal Expert Killed On Final Day Of Afghanistan Tour - Wow. Because there is no wire to cut when irony is about to detonate.

• Study: Man-Eating Lions Consumed 35 People In 1898 - Was this done by the same people who solved that cold case? Good thing we know this now.

• Florida Baby Found Alive In Box Under Sitter's Bed - and it only took them five days to do it! Only on Florida, folks.

Worst of the week: Exodus - movement of Jap people.

Toyota, the world's largest automaker, is pulling out of Formula One racing.

"Based on the current economic environment, we realize we have no choice but to withdraw from Formula One," said Toyota's president.

Toyota follows Honda as the second major Japanese automaker to withdraw from the sport in the last 11 months. When Honda pulled out last December, Brawn GP took over the old Honda team, and won the 2009 F1 championship. Toyota officials called the withdrawal from F1 complete, making a return to the sport when and if conditions improve unlikely. The announcement comes on the heels of its worst-ever loss in the financial year.

The FIA will review the legality Toyota's pullout that since the Japanese team's announcement comes only weeks after it committed to the sport through 2012.

Just days before, Japanese tire manufacturer Bridgestone Corp. announced it would not renew its exclusive deal to supply tires for F1 when its contract expires in 2010. And in July, Toyota-owned Fuji International Speedway announced it would not host the Japanese F1 GP from 2010 and beyond amid the faltering global economy.

F1 is not the only motor sport to be affected. Citing similar concerns to Toyota and Honda, fellow Japanese automakers Subaru and Suzuki pulled out of the World Rally Championship ahead of the 2009 season.

Toyota made its F1 debut in 2002 but never won a grand prix. The team's best result was in 2005 when Jarno Trulli finished second in Malaysia and Bahrain. Despite a promising start to the 2009 season, Toyota finished fifth in the constructors' standings. Trulli and Timo Glock raced for Toyota this season. Trulli finished eighth in the driver standings and Glock was 10th. Kamui Kobayashi filled in for an injured Glock in the last race of the season and posted a sixth-place finish at Abu Dhabi.

Even after the season has ended, there's still big drama in F1.

Also: Never mind the snakes...there's rats on the plane!

In what has been a bad year for airlines everywhere, Air India has suffered from a series of particularly painful — and at times embarrassing — misfortunes. The struggling government-owned carrier’s already uneven reputation has been further tarnished in recent months by rats on a plane, a strike by senior pilots and a midair fistfight between pilots and flight attendants. In September, a flight to Riyadh was grounded after a passenger saw sparks coming from an engine.

The embarrassing chain of events and the airline’s dire financial situation — it is expected to lose more than $1 billion in the current business year, and the government tentatively pledged about $1.1 billion in bailout money to it recently — has prompted many to ask: Why is the Indian government still running an airline?

The question is particularly relevant in a country that has more poor people than any other nation and where just a tiny percentage of the people fly. Many analysts say government ownership is a root cause of Air India’s most pressing problems. In 2007, for instance, the government forced the airline into a poorly conceived merger with Indian Airlines, which was also state-owned. Politicians have influenced the company’s dealings with labor unions, leaving the airline with a much bigger and better-paid staff of 31,000 than it can afford. Employees, too, say Air India is rudderless. “We feel like an orphan. Every three years we get a new mother and a new father,” said Capt. Shailendra Singh, president of the Indian Commercial Pilots Association.

In the last 15 years, both the airline’s reputation and its market share have eroded. While it continued to fly years-old planes, and passengers complained that its staff treated them in the surly manner Indians have come to expect from government employees, more nimble rivals like Jet Airways and Kingfisher flew shiny new planes and built reputations for indulgent service. Air India has recently begun adding dozens of new planes to its fleet. And the series of unfortunate events in the last two months has only heightened the perception that Air India is troubled.

Late September, a flight to Toronto was delayed 11 hours as employees hunted rats that had scurried onto the plane while it was being cleaned. The airline worried that the rats might chew through wiring. That same day, senior pilots began calling in sick to protest the airline’s plans to cut their pay as much as 50%. The incident disrupted dozens of flights for four days, ending only after senior policy makers promised that pay packages would not be reduced without negotiations with the senior, or executive, pilots, who are not represented by a union.

And just last month, pilots and flight attendants brawled in front of passengers on a plane flying to India from the United Arab Emirates. One attendant said a pilot had molested her and shoved her. The pilots said that was not true. One of the pilots told a local reporter that the cockpit had been unmanned for 10 minutes during the fight, a claim that the airline has denied.

I love their food and music, but God help me if I ever have to travel there.

And: It's not kids who say the darndest things, it's celebrity assholes.

"I went to sleep as Rihanna and woke up as Britney Spears. That was the level of media chaos that happened the next day," said the singer-cum-punching bag, slagging both the white trash performer and decrying her busted image. "Teenage girls can't tell their parents that their boyfriend beats them up...It's one of the things we (women) hide because it's embarrassing." Well, if you're just going to take it, then shut up and take it. Embarrassing is getting beat and doing nothing about it. This isn't Mad Men, it's 2009. That shit doesn't fly, so don't let it.

Next, Reese "The Chin" Witherspoon has just released a new fragrance, In Bloom, for Avon, and she says she "is proud that the scent reflects her new attitude toward life." How the fuck does a smell reflect a life attitude, unless it's the scent of soap when you're a dirty homeless person?

"I think that In Bloom captures the idea that I'm at a time in my life where I feel very confident with my work, with my personal life -- and that it's a time to really blossom." Nice marketing statement. The star -- who was involved in practically all aspects of the "incredibly complicated process" of creating a fragrance over the past two years also says she "incorporated memories" from her childhood. Which makes me ask, does being touched by a cousin have a scent?

"A large part of my childhood was spent in my yard with a gigantic magnolia tree, so I knew it had to have magnolia in it." In Bloom also incorporates peach tea leaves and gardenia, a nod to the perfume her mom used to wear. So this scent about her new attutide towards life is the smell of childhood and memories of her mother? How the fuck does that make any sense? Shut up and stop bullshitting just so you can get a profit from putting your name on a product.

Worst picture of the week:

Lady Gaga, eligible for the fucktard Hall Of Fame - immediately

Worst bonus links
• Jeremy Piven Blames Soy Milk for Man Boobs - Bitch Tits really needs somebody to watch what he's eating...first his sushi inspired "mercury poisoning", now this?

• Suicide Prevention Groups Protest `The Office' - Maybe they ought to protest shows that make you want to kill yourself, like Two And A Half Men.

• Jon Gosselin Does Yoga - The OMG! Idiotic Non-Story Of The Week. "His spiritual quest continues as he tries out meditative poses..."? This douchetard couldn't get spiritual if he was getting fisted by the Dali Lama.