Manscaping Will Be A Lot Faster Now

Wesley Warren Jr. had balls!  Or at least he used to have a giant one.

The 49-year-old had a 13 hour procedure to remove the 100 pound testicle that had grown so swollen that he wore a hoodie as a makeshift pair of pants. "I know the majority of people are probably expecting me to express extreme happiness and glee that my life has been transformed since the sac has been removed - but it’s not as simple as that," said Wesley. "I do feel a great sense of comfort that the weight is no longer between my legs. It got to the point that it was a danger to my health. But when I look down at what’s here now it’s not the same as what it was. It’s totally different."

Yeah, no shit...you're missing that repugnant monster scrote!

But no, he disagrees, "My natural look prior to the growth is not what came out of surgery. What came out of surgery is a nub an inch long and it doesn't get any larger. I’m grateful to have been pulled out of the fire, I was getting burned, but now I’m dealing with the first degree burns. I’m still disfigured."

Hmmm, nice metaphor, but i don't understand how a perfectly normal penis becomes a Hedwig sized bit just because the thing below it comes out. Then again, I don't know how you let that thing get to be 20 pounds, let alone 50 or 100. But good on you Wesley...now go buy some real pants.

Weekend Edition

Counting down the top 20 links we didn't cover during the week...

20 • The Hilarious Difference Between Google And Bing In One Picture - Okay, maybe not hilarious. Which one of those search engines came up with that hyperbole?

19 • How Marc Maron Picks Music For His Show - A neurotic dart board?

18 • How To Use Math To Dominate At Monopoly - Interesting read, horrible layout with a million giant photos.

17 • J. Cole: Gun-Toting Twitter Fan Investigated By Police - Illegal? Potentially. Great photo? Definitely.

16 • The Quotable Darryl Sutter (2013) - Pearls of wisdom and knowledge from the L.A. Kings coach.

15 • Drunk Alaska Man Mauled After Feeding BBQ To Black Bear - In the bear's defense, he wanted fish, not ribs (even though he had some).

14 • Paraplegic Castrated At Pennsylvania Facility / Three Charged With Enslaving Disabled Ohio Mom, Child - These states share a border. And lunatics.

13 • Gruesome Video Appears To Be Aftermath Of Michael Hastings' Car Crash - Here's your chance to watch a wrecked car burn for five minutes. And if this ain't your cup of tea, you'll want to skip #4 for sure.

12 • Researchers Have Found A Way To Cram 1,000 Terabytes Onto A Single DVD - The disc said it was quite uncomfortable.

11 • The Academy Of Motion Pictures Currently Employs An Ex-Porn Director - Naturally...how else could the MPAA continue to screw people.

10 • A Battery So Small, You'll Never Know If It's Included - There's AA and AAA now, but this means AAAAAAAAAAAA is coming.

09 • Amanda Bynes: ‘I Got My Breast Implants Removed’ - 2013's boob of the year had hers normalized, but still has metal spikes in her cheeks and is out of her goddamn mind.

08 • AMA Declares Obesity A Disease - Huge (no pun intended) mistake. Lack of willpower does not have a prescription cure.

07 • Hollywood & Highland Allegation: She Took Picture Of Transients, They Stabbed Her To Death - My suggestion to kill all the homeless is worse than rounding them up for work interment camps, but I still theink both are effective ways to deal with the issue.

06 • Dim Star Becomes 7 Times Hotter In 160 Seconds - Not a reference to the Amanda Bynes story.

05 • Starbucks Raising Prices Despite Lower Bean Cost - The reason is because the, uh...because now it's more expensive to, um...oh, fuck it. They just greedy.

04 • Plane With Wing Walker Crashes At Ohio Show; 2 Die - The announcer is just making it worse before the actual crash.

03 • Standing Man: Turkey's Eerie, Powerful New Protest Movement - Far more successful than Sitting Man and Prone Man.

02 • Snake Expert Killed By Snake While Helping People With Fear Of Snakes - Or, ironic death ironically adds to irony.

01 • British Spy Agency Is Saving Everyone's Email And Calls Too - Nice to see our colonial progenitors are keeping up with their kids.

A Food Singularity

Your parents and grandparents probably never thought they'd live in an age where there would be computers the size of a coin or the interweb or any billion other achievements that time and technology have brought.  And just so, did our modern generation never expect the Doritos Loco Taco...but that's just the start.

In a nice little reciprocal marketing move, Frito-Lay is going to be offering Doritos in a Taco Bell  flavor.  Yes, they're reconstituting their chips to taste like a combination of nacho cheese and taco flavors, which, I assume is as simple as mixing in a packet of meat seasoning (paging Lawry's for a corporate three way).  You won't have too wait too long - this spring, we'll see if the flavor fancy goes both ways.

Of course, it's just a matter of time before we see Doritos Locos Tacos made from Taco Bell Taco flavored Doritos, right?  This will undoubtedly create a diarrhea paradox for all eaters, and prompt the chicken (taco) and egg question about what flavor begat which item.  Very meta - though the internal cramping and bleeding may not be.  And perhaps I'm burying the lede a little too, but there will be Cool Ranch flavored Doritos Locos Tacos coming...

It's Christmas Time!

Fatty Boom Boom Gaga

Gathering Time

Something Worse Than A Miami Heat Title?

I make no secret of my love of hockey and F1, but I still pay a little attention to other sports, and agree with the general opinion, fuck LeBron James and the Miami Heat.

The whole televised jerk-off of selecting Miami when he left Cleveland is still one of the ugliest moves in modern times, and his mortal cramp in game four of the finals earned him little sympathy (especially from real athletes), plus the Miami fans are douches, so it's not without justification to have a negative reaction to their winning the championship.  But the worst is yet to come...

Porn "stars" (I use that very liberally) Sara Jay and Angelina Castro better start stretching, because they're coming in off the sidelines.  The two were pushing the #Team BJNBA tag before the start of the playoffs, and pledged to all their Twitter followers that they'd provide blow jobs if the Miami Heat won.  It's bad enough, when you think about it, to be shoulder to shoulder with an arena's worth of other scumbags that follow porn star tweets looking to get a shared batch of chlamydia, but that it's two skanks that look like they crawled out of the Florida everglades, I do not understand the draw.  At all.  Porn stars are supposed to be sexy and someone you want to have sex with.

It should be known that Sara Jay has 218,000 plus followers to Angelina Castro's 92,000, but if there were really going to be over 300,000 hummers, the CDC would be there to quarantine the proceedings...and hopefully burn the place down with everyone inside.  It will probably be a few hundred creeps living in Miami where they are who are skeevy enough to be take part in what will of course be filmed (otherwise there's no profit for it), but still, revolting.  You can thank Bobbi Eden, Vicky Vette, Gabby Quinteros, and Miss Hybrid - the original #Team BJ, for introducing the "winners get gummers" idea, after making the same claim if Holland won the 2010 World Cup (Holland lost). 

Octo-blah

If you've been hoping for semi-nude photos of "Octomom" Nadya Suleman, today's your lucky day. For the rest of us, not so much.

The cash-strapped mother of 14 (all through in vitro fertility treatments) agreed to the paid interview and photo shoot for the British magazine Closer because she "can’t hold down a regular job to pay bills" and “does whatever she can", which included this.  Suleman declined a million-dollar offer to appear in porn in 2009, but given these pictures, she couldn't have earned much for it. Some things can't be unseen.

UPDATE: It's reported she got around $8000 for the dozen or so pictures (at your own risk!).  Wow, I'm sure we could put a collection together to have had them kept from the public.

Who's Afraid Of...?

Bouncing Baby Boy

True Rapture

(here's background on the film , plus a clip of the sequel below)