Why They Rely On Their, Uh...Assets

Porn stars without being made up is an eye opening pair of galleries when they're not camera ready...it's a fantasy crushing glimpse at the bad skin and average looks are the real faces of the industry.

Hebroobs

It's not just the pictures that will have the native tongues wagging - Israelis can now read Playboy in a Hebrew language edition.

Playboy has been widely available in Israel for years, but this is the first local edition, which features Israeli models and articles by Israeli writers.  The Israeli edition of Penthouse (the magazine's natural adversary) flopped when it debuted here in 1989. Owner and publisher Daniel Pomerantz said he got the idea for the Hebrew Playboy while working as a lawyer in Chicago, former home to the magazine's headquarters.  As he became friends with Playboy lawyers, he was also making visits to Israel, and noticed they did not have a Hebrew edition.

The success of the magazine remains to be seen where Jews, Christians, and Muslims live by strict modesty rules. And besides competition from internet pron and other sexy publications, they'll have to contend with zealots that have frequently burned down bus stops with ads of fully dressed women (which prompted major advertisers not to use female models regardless of how modestly they are covered up). But hey, at least now there will be Hebrew honeys in the local language. 

New At Your Local Market

Ministry Of Sexy Walks

Researchers at the barely known University of the West of Scotland have just released a study on the relationship between a woman's gait and the history of her vaginal orgasms. I'm no scientist, but unless she walks with her legs crossed, that's the only indicator I can measure if she's orgasmed or not.

The study was published in both The Journal of Sexual Medicine of the International Society of Sexual Medicine and the Society for Study of Women's Sexual Health, both which probably have the circulation of the informational brochures of the University of the West of Scotland.  Sixteen college aged female subjects from Belgium were videotaped from a distance while walking, and later asked to complete a questionnaire. Then, the videotapes were "assessed" by two professors of sexology and two research assistants with training in "functional-sexological approach to sexology".  As we all suspected, the sexologists chosen to assess the video tapes had no prior knowledge of the orgasmic history of these women, but miraculously, they were able to discern their history of orgasms with 80% accuracy.  That's a pretty good return for guessing.

The big finding was that the sum of stride length and vertebral rotation of a woman in motion was higher for "vaginally orgasmic women". One cause could be a woman's anatomical features may predispose her to experience vaginal organism.  Also, vaginally orgasmic women might feel more confident about their sexuality, which would be reflected in their stride.  I am skeptical about these results on so many levels, I don't know where to begin.  Sexology professors?  Obscure schools and publications?  Female orgasm?

While I am all for studying vagina, I'm not sure a woman's walk tells us more than how well she can move in whatever shoes she picked to wear.  If anything, we should be studying women on their backs, not their feet if we want to get further information about their vaginas. 

Emmanuelle In The Ground

Sylvia Kristel, known to my generation as "hey, did you see that naked chick having sex!" when we were adolescents, died at 60 from cancer.

The actress, who became an international (and cable) star, is best known for her role in Emmanuelle films, as a housewife that experiences a sexual awakening after a trip to Thailand. The series spawned a virtual cottage industry of soft-core films, that could be seen with frequency on Skinamax Cinamax. Though Kristel only stared in Emmanuelle 1, 2, 3, and 7, she is indelibly linked to the character. After the series she was essentially typecast, starring in an adaptation of Lady Chatterley’s Lover, a nudity heavy filled biopic of World War I spy Mata Hari, and as a maid who seduces a teenage boy in the sex comedy Private Lessons.

Before acting, Kristel was a model and won the Miss TV Europe contest in 1973. She was also fluent in Dutch, English, French, German and Italian, but that hardly as interesting as the massive coke habit she fostered for years, or that she smoked unfiltered cigarettes from the age of 11, which ultimately lead to her first bout with cancer in 2001. Here's the legacy she was the foundation for:

Emmanuelle series
Emmanuelle (1974)
Emmanuelle 2 (1975)
Goodbye Emmanuelle (1977)
Emmanuelle 4 (1984)
Emmanuelle 5 (1986)
Emmanuelle 6 (1988)
Emmanuelle 7 (1992)

Black Emanuelle series
Black Emanuelle (1975)
Black Emanuelle 2 (1976)
Emanuelle in Bangkok (1976)
Emanuelle in America (1977)
Emanuelle Around the World (1977)
Emanuelle and the Last Cannibals (1977)
Emanuelle and the White Slave Trade (1978)


Emmanuelle in Space series
Emmanuelle: First Contact (1994)
Emmanuelle 2: A World of Desire (1994)
Emmanuelle 3: A Lesson in Love (1994)
Emmanuelle 4: Concealed Fantasy (1994)
Emmanuelle 5: A Time to Dream (1994)
Emmanuelle 6: One Final Fling (1994)
Emmanuelle 7: The Meaning of Love (1994)

Emmanuelle made-for-TV films
Emmanuelle's Secret (1992)
Emmanuelle's Revenge (1992)
Emmanuelle's Perfume (1992)
Emmanuelle's Magic (1992)
Emmanuelle's Love (1993)
Emmanuelle in Venice (1993)
Emmanuelle Forever (1993)
Emmanuelle 2000: Being Emmanuelle (2000)
Emmanuelle 2000: Emmanuelle and the Art of Love (2000)
Emmanuelle 2000: Emmanuelle in Paradise (2000)
Emmanuelle 2000: Jewel of Emmanuelle (2000)
Emmanuelle 2000: Intimate Encounters (2000)
Emmanuelle 2000: Emmanuelle's Sensual Pleasure (2000)
Emmanuelle 2000 (2001)
Emmanuelle in Rio (2003)
Emmanuelle Private Collection: Emmanuelle vs. Dracula (2004)
Emmanuelle Private Collection: Sex Talk (2004)
Emmanuelle Private Collection: The Sex Lives of Ghosts (2004)
Emmanuelle Private Collection: Sexual Spells (2004)
Emmanuelle Private Collection: The Art of Ecstasy (2006)
Emmanuelle Private Collection: Jesse's Secrets Desires (2006)
Emmanuelle Tango (2006)
Emmanuelle Through Time: Emmanuelle's Skin City (2011)
Emmanuelle Through Time: Emmanuelle's Sexy Bite (2011)
Emmanuelle Through Time: Sex, Chocolate & Emmanuelle (2011)
Emmanuelle Through Time: Rod Steele 0014 & Naked Agent 0069 (2011)
Emmanuelle Through Time: Emmanuelle's Supernatural Activities (2011)
Emmanuelle Through Time: Emmanuelle's Sex Tales (2011)
Emmanuelle Through Time: Emmanuelle's Forbidden Pleasures (2011)

Hollywood Magic

Hosts of The View - Julie Chen, Sharon Osbourne, Sheryl Underwood, Sara Gilbert, and Aisha Tyler, with and without makeup. Ewww...

Suddenly, I Love Track

I, along with the rest of the interweb, have discovered Michelle Jenneke.

Weekend Edition

Counting down the top 20 links we didn't cover during the week...

20 • Boyfriend Assaults Girlfriend With Steak Sauce Over Fifty Shades Of Grey - He still got the Wor(ce)st(ershire) of it.

19 • Raccoons Chase, Attack Woman Who Had Just Finished Jogging In Park / Tigers Kill Man Who Scaled Fence At Danish Zoo - It's no different this week...animals are pissed off at humans.

18 • Graphene Miracle #5,347: It Can Repair Itself Entirely Unassisted - Higgs-Boson?  Graphene is the God particle.

17 • Suicide Bomber Kills 7 Of His Own Family In Iraq / Explosive Fireworks Horrifically Severed And Blew Off A Paraplegic's Leg - Two perfect examples of exactly how bad things can go when you shouldn't be playing with explosives.

16 • Microsoft, NBC Dissolve MSNBC.com Joint Venture - No word on who gets custody of Rachel Maddow.

15 • Ohio Diner Owner Dies Hours After Obama Visit / Obama Staffer Dies After Collapsing At Campaign’s Chicago HQ - Our president...the angel of death?

14 • Autistic Man Survives 3-Week Ordeal In Utah Desert - A happy ending to the story, even  though his autism was what got him into trouble.

13 • Nigerian Tanker Explosion, At Least 95 Killed After Crash As People Rush For ‘Free Fuel’ - It's usually a sign that signals a promotion for free gas, not a crash and gallons of it spilling out.

12 • San Bernardino Third California City To Seek Bankruptcy - If only they sold all that meth, they'd be in the black.

11 • 13-Minute Dark Knight Rises Featurette Hits The Movie's Major Characters And Themes / DC Is Just @#$%ing Gonna Give Up On Movies Until 2015 - Get hyped for now!  Because after Batman and Superman, DC has to learn how to make comic characters into film properties.

10 • Flying Robot Makes 3D Map Of Building's Interior - Just like those bots in Prometheus, now with 100% less Engineer dicks.

09 • Immigrants With ‘Gang Tattoos’ Denied U.S. Visas - The easiest way to keep the bad elements out of the country is if they make it obvious.

08 • Rejoice, For Edifi, The First Christian Tablet Is Here! - That damn headline takes all the sarcasm out of my comments on it.

07 • Blind Contestant Completes In Miss Florida - Yet she'll never see how silly pageants are.

06 • Found: Multiple People Combined Into Single Mummies - Who knew that Dr. Frankenstein was over 3,000 years old?

05 • ESPN The Magazine’s 2012 Body Issue Will Make You Appreciate The Athletic Female Form / Ronda Rousey Would 'Beat The Crap Out Of Kim Kardashian' Because Her Fame Came From A Sex Tape - I support hot naked women athletes...especially the ones who want to kick the piss out of a Kardashian.

04 • Scientists Create Molecule To Make Teeth Cavityproof - Great news!  Now all we need is a company to sell it...

03 • Man Dies In Rollover Crash After Running Over Wife In SUV - There's one story every week that makes me smile at it's perfection, and this is it.

02 • Twitter Divides In Response To Daniel Tosh's Rape Joke - Yeah, I'll pick a side and back Team Tosh.  Comedy isn't pretty, but it's still comedy.  And let's keep everything in context.

01 • Auditors Say Billions Likely Wasted In Iraq Work - Was anybody surprised at this?  It's such predictable news that I can't switch from disappointment at being cynically correct to anger over it.

God Save The Queen (Of Clown Porn) Or, For Those About To Be Flogged, We Salute You

Adult performer Hollie Stevens (aka Holly Wood) died of breast cancer this week at 30.  Yes, there's some irony, but that's not what caught my eye.

Stevens was touted as the queen of indie pornography, including "clown porn" and the horror-rotica of zines like Girls and Corpses.  She started as a dancer in 2000, but soon moved into film, getting an AVN nomination in 2004 for Best Group Sex Scene (The Bachleor) and winning for Best All-Girl Scene (The Violation of Jessica Darlin). Having performed in over 170 titles, she was also featured on such websites as kink.com, DungeonCorp.com, hogtied.com, and chantasbitches.com.

I have to say, it's no fun noting obits, but learning about careers and history is way more interesting for Hollie Stevens than say, Andy Griffiths.

Perhaps Not Perfect, But Still Alright

According to a formula created by used by the British company Lorraine Cosmetics contest, this is the perfect face.  Well, the most perfect out of 8,000 applicants.

The "perfect" face has a distance between the pupils of just under half (46%) the width of the whole face from ear to ear. Florence here's ratio is 44%  Also, the relative distance between eyes and mouth should be just over a third of the measurement from hairline to chin, and Florence is a 32.8%. But when mathematics fail, there also her large eyes, high cheekbones and full lips - y'know, the intangibles that every contest has to have.

Knowing the hard road that is English dentistry, I imagine Flo's got a nice set of choppers, but that will remain a mystery - at least for the sake of the contest.  They sell make up, not retainers, so we can not add a smile into the equation.  But really, even if it's not completely on the level, isn't that a better picture to show up at the top of the page than Noctomom?

Charlotte Devaney Is...Nice

Making Metal More Attractive

Metal usually looks more like the band than the singer...maybe it's a trend that will continue (at least, if the music can't get any better).

Octo-blah

If you've been hoping for semi-nude photos of "Octomom" Nadya Suleman, today's your lucky day. For the rest of us, not so much.

The cash-strapped mother of 14 (all through in vitro fertility treatments) agreed to the paid interview and photo shoot for the British magazine Closer because she "can’t hold down a regular job to pay bills" and “does whatever she can", which included this.  Suleman declined a million-dollar offer to appear in porn in 2009, but given these pictures, she couldn't have earned much for it. Some things can't be unseen.

UPDATE: It's reported she got around $8000 for the dozen or so pictures (at your own risk!).  Wow, I'm sure we could put a collection together to have had them kept from the public.

Owning The Term "International"

This is one of the only times you're going to see the words "model" and "mastermind" in the same story, let alone sentence.

Simone Farrow, who I'm told is an international model, was accused of being the mastermind of a worldwide drug ring being run out of a Hollywood apartment. Under the stage name Simone Starr, Farrow was a bikini model for Ed Hardy, pin-up girl, a Penthouse magazine pet, and a three time FHM magazine's Sexiest Women In The World list maker. Her website notes her as a singer/songwriter and would-be reality show star, but made no mention of the 19 different aliases used to ship high-grade crystal meth in bath salts around the world by FedEx and the postal service.

The 37-year-old skipped her $150,000 bond in February and was re-arrested at a cheap Gold Coast hotel where she hid. One of the members of her alleged drug syndicate committed suicide in a Hollywood motel after being contacted by US authorities.  Must have been a hell of a phone call to drive them to suicide.

I'm not going to suggest that she wasn't behind the drug ring, but it would make the first time anybody wearing Ed Hardy showed signs of intelligence.

Blowing It With The Lowest Lying Fruit

You may get spoils from your father's garden, but that does not make you worthy to tend his fields.

Clairissa Irene Riccio, aka Claire Sinclair, the 2011 Playmate of the Year, sought a temporary restraining order against boyfirend Marston Hefner (21, son of Playboy founder Hugh, and not the monster Grendel as his picture would suggest). He was arrested on suspicion of domestic violence Sunday by Pasadena police.  Sinclair's minor injuries were consistent with an assault, but she does not appear to be determined to send her meal ticket boyfriend to jail.

"I will not press charges against Marston Hefner if he keeps his word to give a public apology for physically abusing me on several occasions, and seeks psychiatric help for his anger issues. I don't condone domestic violence, but if one ounce of good can come from this bad experience, then I can live with it and move on."

Not surprisingly, Sinclair does not know that it's not up to her - the state of California can prosecute Marston with or without her consent or assistance.  Besides being frightfully ugly, Marston is also a dumb son-of-a-bitch.  You've got the keys to the girl next door empire and you've gone and fucked it up because you can't deal with how dumb nude models are and you get angry?  Unworthy.

Bad Girl Or Baddest Girl?

M.I.A. is a bad ass.

All The President's Women

We know Vladimir Putin is super badass, but what about Dmitry Medvedev?

Russia's president (or presidential place holder) has something better than parliamentary backing - he's got a whole squad of ladies. Mevedev’s Girls is an organization that has pledged its support to their leader...while wearing sexy outfits. The group was allegedly formed in opposition to a similar group of hot women who support prime minister Putin. Recently, they've worn sexy schoolgirl outfits to support education initiatives and support Medvedev's ban on underage drinking with their bikinis.  I wouldn't believe it if I didn't see the pictures and study them intensely, but fortunately there are lots of them.

Temp-pair-ary

Even if you're an octogenarian softcore mogul, what the FDA said is true: you can't keep breast implants for life.

Women who get silicone breast implants are likely to need additional surgery within 10 years to address complications (such as rupturing), and close to 1 in 5 women who receive them for cosmetic reasons will have them removed within that time (I assume a fair number of them are due to moving up to a large size).

After reviewing new data on silicone-gel breast implants, the FDA concluded "implants are basically safe as long as women understand they come with complications", including painful scar tissue and ruptured implants. And the longer the implant are in there, the more likely there could be complications.  It wasn't a vote of confidence for saline-filled versions either, which come with the same complications.

Boob jobs Breast augmentation is the top cosmetic surgery in the U.S., with nearly 300,000 women getting a boob boost in 2010, and many of those in, or for those about to arrive in Los Angeles. Doctors say women getting cosmetic implants need to understand that their breasts also will change with age or weight gain, and even if the implant doesn't rupture or develop scar tissue, the skin and fat around it can droop or sag in unattractive ways. Talk about a product that locks the consumer into continuing to use it!

The FDA says they will work to revise safety labels for silicone breast implants after reviewing data from several long-term studies, but let's hope they don't follow this model.

PK United

"I’ve got an indoor soccer team in Division 11 (1 being best, 11 being worst… obviously) here in Dallas Texas and I would like to submit our team jerseys which I designed and made. The patches are embroidered and the lettering is authentic jersey vinyl on Adidas Predator blanks. While we only finished 3rd in our division, I like to think we looked good doing it. The team name is Portman Kunis United (aka The Scissors). It’s a tribute to Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman in the movie Black Swan, for their….. amazing acting. Notice the handcrafted numbering, custom with a swan on each number."

- team captain Mike Miller

Playmate Of The (Last Remaining) Year(s)

It's a familiar Christmas sight - the jolly old man making merry while the young girl on his lap is terrified. Even so, it appears congratulations are due to Hugh Hefner and his fiance Crystal Harris!

The man with more pussy than he knows what to do with it is 60 years senior his 24-year-old girlfriend, but before you say that's disgusting, here's ex-girlfriend Izabella St. James' description from her memoir Bunny Tales of what it is to be the top whore in Hef's harem:

At around midnight, Hef would take his Viagra; it was always wrapped in a crumpled Kleenex - although Holly (Madison) bought him a nice Tiffany pillbox once, he always stuck to his habits.

Hef would lie on his back in the middle of the bed, and as some of us were getting stoned or drinking Dom, he would cover himself in baby oil. Many of the girls he slept with would get yeast infections, which they blamed on the baby oil...Holly would start off the festivities by orally pleasuring Hef

That appeared to be the distinguishing mark of the number one Girlfriend—not only was she the only one who had sex with him regularly, but she was the only girl that ever had that particular kind of sex with Hef. Holly was always quick and full of moans and groans and "oh daddy" shout-outs. After that came to the grand finale: Hef masturbated while watching the porn, and Holly sucked on his nipple.

Okay, now that's fucking disgusting.

Harris worked her way up the skank ladder a few years ago, but was overshadowed by 19-year-old-twins Karissa and Kristina Shannon, and the three where Hef's revision on the blonde trio he'd held for years with Madison, Bridget Marquardt and Kendra Wilkinson. With his divorce from 2nd wife Kimberly Conrad finalized in March of this year, the old man must have realized it would be cheaper to marry one of his bimbos than put a full-time care provider on payroll.

Even if he dies on her or she ends up being his the next ex, at least Harris can look forward to her final few minutes of fame with a show on E!