Get Some Go Again

Marriage is about team work. Like raising a child. Or holding down an intruder while your spouse stabs them.

As her husband fought with an trespasser, the woman grabbed a knife and stabbed the stranger to death, said sheriff investigators.  The corpse apparently was the same man who robbed the woman in the North Bend, WA home Sunday, just 12 hours earlier!  The couple's baby daughter and the wife's mother were also in the home about 1:40 a.m. this morning when the couple were awakened by barking dogs.

The intruder entered the house through an unlocked door Sunday and assaulted the wife, getting away with some cash. She didn't get a good look at him because her hair was grabbed from behind, slapped and punched in the face, and suffered an ankle injury when she was dragged by her hair.  I'm going to guess that she was thrilled to have a second shot at her assailant with less disadvantage.

Investigators don't believe the residents know the intruder and there's nothing to indicate why the house was attacked, let alone twice.  But let that be a warning to would-be robbers and thieves - returning to the scene of the crime can exacerbate any preexisting conditions, like say, knife allergies.

Les Voleurs De Pommes

What's the hottest electronic gift of the season?  Stolen Apple products!

Verging on the point of trend, more Apple products were boosted, but this time, the bandits were overseas.  A few hours before midnight Monday night, the Apple Store near the building that hosts the Paris Opera was broken into by a group of masked men. After overpowering a janitor who was about to leave (what sounds less difficult to force your way past then a French janitor?), they skipped over the display products, cash registers, and safes.  their target was $1.3 million in boxed inventory.

The goods were loaded onto a truck conveniently waiting nearby. Although there was an increased police presence in the city for New Year's celebrations, the thieves were able to get away relatively easy due to the police focus on partiers.  It's a brilliant idea, with more gadgets and less heroin than the poorly executed plan from Killing Zoe (hence the lede photo)

Maxi Mini Theft

Two criminals had their own Goodfellas moment and stole $1.5 million in new iPad Minis. Henry Hill is smiling from the afterlife...

Thieves made their way into the same cargo building that was the site of the famous 1978 Lufthansa heist featured in the film, but instead of $5 million in cash and $900,000 worth of jewelry, they ogt away with 3,600 iPad Minis. The crime happened just before midnight on Monday, and the airport’s own forklifts were used to load two pallets of the tablet computers into a white tractor trailer truck, which witnesses say had the name "CEVA" painted on the side. It was only when they were challenged by an airport worker returning from dinner that the duo left without adding to their stash. Law enforcement officials believe it was an inside job and are currently questioning airport workers with polygraph tests.

So if you're looking for an inexpensive iPad for the holidays, you might find one on the streets of New York.

Don't Ewok, Run...

Nicholas Read is a dwarf actor, so his resume is filled with what you'd expect from a person of his size.  But his rap sheet could rival his IMDB page.

Read played an ewok in Return of the Jedi and a goblin in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, but his latest role was as an anonymous pervert on a train - and it was a repeat performance.  Back in 2010, he received a 20-week suspended sentence for fondling himself underneath a juggler’s hat while sitting next to a 17-year-old girl in route to Manchester. To commemorate the occasion, he took a picture of the horrified reaction of the victim's friend.

In October 2011, Read "trapped" his victim in a window seat on a train travelling to Leicester, and proceeded to reprise his role.  Having drunk half a bottle of gin (a regular sized one, or those small airplane sized bottles?), according to the girl, he "placed his hat on his crotch. I saw a movement and I didn’t know whether to believe it. I looked in the reflection of the window and saw his hand moving under the hat. He tried to catch my attention, tilting his hat up, looking at his crotch area and then looking at me a few times."  This went on for between 30 and 40 minutes of the 55 minute trip.  Now, I understand being freaked out by a weird looking dwarf slapping it in front of you, but would you sit there passively?  Maybe all 4' 5" of him was just too intimidating, but why not call for help (or get an autograph)?

Since he was on parole for his previous rail-wank, Read may get additional time tacked onto the potential 20 weeks in jail.  In cause you were wondering, he has a number of sex offenses going back to 1995, when he was convicted of lewd phone calls.

Something That Just Happens From Time To Time

Forty-nine decapitated and mutilated bodies were found Sunday dumped on a highway between Monterrey and the U.S. border.  Looks like the official start of tourist season!

The bodies of 43 men and six women were found in San Juan on the non-toll highway to the border city of Reynosa around 4 a.m.  That'll teach them to avoid taking toll roads.  The notorious Zetas drug cartel claimed responsibility for the massacre, and decided to have some fun with the police, so they took all the heads, hands and feet from the bodies.  Don't feel bad, because they weren't all upstanding citizens - a few of the latest victims had tattoos of the Santa Muerte cult popular among drug traffickers.

For those keeping score at home, this was the umpteenth time it's happened:

• A drug gang allied with the Sinaloa cartel left 35 bodies at a freeway overpass in the city of Veracruz in September, and police found 32 other bodies, apparently killed by the same gang, a few days after that.

• Twenty-six bodies were found in November in Guadalajara, another territory being disputed by the Zetas and the Sinaloa group.

• In April, police found the mutilated bodies of 14 men in a minivan abandoned in downtown Nuevo Laredo, along with a message from an undisclosed drug gang.

• Also in April, the tortured and bound bodies of seven men were dumped in the Pacific port city of Lazaro Cardenas along with messages signed by allies of the Sinaloa drug gang.

• So far this month, 23 bodies were found dumped or hanging in the city of Nuevo Laredo and 18 were found along a highway south of Guadalajara, Mexico's second-largest city.

Officials last year found 193 bodies in mass graves in the town of San Fernando, and with any luck, this year could top that!  Oh, Mexico...don't ever change.

The Bollywood Dahlia

Indian actress Meenakshi Thapar (26), was allegedly kidnapped and definitely beheaded in an attempt to extort 1.5 million rupees from her family.  Damn shame to kill a piece of ass for what comes out to around $30,000.

Fellow actors Amit Jaiswal (36), and his lover Preeti Surin (who I assume is a woman, since it is never referenced in the article), met Thapar on the set of the horror film 404, which some say is the number of different bacterial strains in the Ganges.  It is alleged they killed her on the set of her new movie, ironically titled Heroine, after listening to her boast about her family’s wealth and status in Dehra Dun (which is the Himalayan foothills of northern India - kinda like their Walnut Creek).  That's a pretty lame boast, considering any life above begging and avoiding poverty pretty much levels that playing field.

The two actors invited her on a trip with them to Gorakhpur, a small town close to India’s border with Nepal, where they held her hostage and demanded ransom.  When Thapar’s parents paid only 60,000 Rupees, they killed the actress.  What did you expect?  That's barely $1,100.  Thapar was strangled to death, beheaded, and her body was dumped at two different sites.  Her killers dumped her torso in a water tank and her head thrown out of the bus window in a bag on the road to Mumbai (which is more common than you think). Jaiswal and Surin were caught and reportedly confessed to the murder.

Owning The Term "International"

This is one of the only times you're going to see the words "model" and "mastermind" in the same story, let alone sentence.

Simone Farrow, who I'm told is an international model, was accused of being the mastermind of a worldwide drug ring being run out of a Hollywood apartment. Under the stage name Simone Starr, Farrow was a bikini model for Ed Hardy, pin-up girl, a Penthouse magazine pet, and a three time FHM magazine's Sexiest Women In The World list maker. Her website notes her as a singer/songwriter and would-be reality show star, but made no mention of the 19 different aliases used to ship high-grade crystal meth in bath salts around the world by FedEx and the postal service.

The 37-year-old skipped her $150,000 bond in February and was re-arrested at a cheap Gold Coast hotel where she hid. One of the members of her alleged drug syndicate committed suicide in a Hollywood motel after being contacted by US authorities.  Must have been a hell of a phone call to drive them to suicide.

I'm not going to suggest that she wasn't behind the drug ring, but it would make the first time anybody wearing Ed Hardy showed signs of intelligence.

High Times In Los Angeles

If you look up in my town, you'll find some odd things.

Last night, a man climbed to the top of a radio tower. Naked.  The 45-year-old Arizona resident removed his clothing after he began scaling the tower about 4pm.  It was unclear why he went atop his perch, but he was hungry.  He asked police for hamburgers from McDonald's and he agreed to come down after eating his meal.

And today, a suspected car thief spent five hours on the rooftops of Westwood. The pursuit began shortly before 8 a.m. when the LAPD attempted to pull over the suspect after his license plates flagged as belonging to a stolen car.  He fled and went hopping from roof to roof, at times, looking as though he would come down, and then suddenly move away. But he found a way to get down, shouting, "If I could get to my gun, I would kill all of you", and taking at least two bean bag rounds the SWAT team fired at him.

I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring, but looking skyward should prove entertaining...

He'll Fit Right In In Prison

The San Bernadino-Riverside-Inland Empire area in the southeastern part of California is like the riviera for scumbags, inbreds, meth heads, and white trash (if you don't believe me, just listen to Henry Rollins about mixing it up with the locals here and here). So it comes as no surprise to read about a couple that was savagely beaten at their home for no apparent reason...by a naked, 300-pound bodybuilder.

Police say the couple came home late Saturday to find Ruben Arzu (22) naked on the front porch of their home in Colton. Arzu caused major head trauma to the husband when confronted, and while trying to call 911, the wife sustained facial injuries and multiple cuts to her head as Arzu picked her up and threw her around.

It took four police officers, two stun gun blasts and four sets of handcuffs to restrain Arzu, who was "apparently" under the influence of steroids and other drugs.

Arzu was booked on suspicion of attempted homicide and over-application of self-bronzer.

Active Cultures

A grocery store worker accused of handing out a semen-tainted yogurt sample at an Albuquerque market pleaded guilty. And that's why I never take anything off those tester stands.

Anthony Garcia admitted he "tainted" a the sample at Sunflower Market in January, and also put some semen on the plastic spoon he placed with the yogurt. His finishing move was to offer a female customer a sample. He pleaded guilty to charges of adulterating food and making false statements to federal investigators. And I had no idea that you could adulterate food. Or that it was illegal.

The woman spit the sample on the floor several times and wiped her mouth on the garment, which she was wearing to get the taste out of her mouth. Investigators collected samples of the woman's spit from the floor and took the garment she was wearing as evidence. They were instrumental in linking Garcia to the yogurt via DNA, but man, that is a pretty shitty job to have.

Garcia faces up to three years of imprisonment to be followed by three years of supervised release. He has been in federal custody since his arrest in July, and was also terminated from his job.

Bad Neighbor

Minnesota hacker Barry Ardolf earned himself an 18-year term in a federal prison for the massive retaliation against his neighbors filing a police complaint against him.

His awesomely overblown response was triggered in 2008, when neighbors, Matt and Bethany Kostolnik's 4-year old son wandered over to their Ardoff's property shortly after moving in. Ardolf had reportedly picked the boy up carried him back to the couple and then kissed the child on the lips, prompting the police report.

Ardolf downloaded a Wi-Fi hacking program to tear into his neighbors WEP encryption, and created a fake Myspace page as well as several fake emails for Matt Kostolnik. He then posted child porn on the Myspace page and emailed the same child porn to co-workers at Kostolnik’s law office. And as the federal-crime-cherry-on-top, Ardolf sent death threats to Vice President Joe Biden and other politicians from Kostolnik’s Yahoo account, prompting a visit from the secret service who had traced the emails back to his IP address.  His campaign against his neighbors lasted two years!

Kostolnik's law office hired a firm to poke around the Wi-Fi network and install a packet sniffer to figure it all out. Eventually Ardolf’s name and Comcast account were found, which gave the FBI a reason to obtain a search warrant for Ardolf’s house, where they found massive evidence supporting charges of of identity theft, making threats, possession of child pornography, and distribution of kiddie-porn.

There was evidence that Ardolf had staged a similar attack against another family for parking their cars in front of his house. For his vengeful ingenuity, he'll be slapped with lifetime-sex-offender registration and be supervised for 20 years, as well as have restrictions when working with computers. Next time, just leave a flaming bag of dogshit on the doorstep...

Bring Out The Gimp

I'm happy to see this story come out of Russia, rather than Florida or Germany or Japan, the usual hotbeds of weird shit...

Olga Zajac, a hairdresser in Meshchovsk, caught Viktor Jasinski breaking into her salon. Rather than call the police, she did the next best thing...she beat him up, bound him to a chair, and them used him as a sex slave for days.

Viktor Jasinski told the police he intended to rob the salon, but Zajac, who is also black belt in karate, took him down with a single kick. She allegedly dragged to a back room, tied him up with a hair dryer cable, and stripped him naked. To "teach him a lesson", he was force fed Viagra and used as a living sex toy for three days.

Jasinski went straight to the police, rather than Penthouse Forum, and told them of his ordeal. Both were then arrested. Police talked with the hairdresser, who said, "What a bastard. Yes, we had sex a couple of times. But I bought him new jeans, gave him food and even gave him 1,000 roubles when he left.”

Say what you will, but crime does pay.

The Git 'Er Done Presidency

Ol' Dubya was disregarding legal and moral guidelines long before he got to the White House, so once he was there it was almost second nature.

From starting wars under false pretexts and redefining torture when it suited the end results, perhaps the worst abuse was during the run-up to the 2006 midterm election where Republicans lost control of the House. During that time, the Bush administration repeatedly broke the law by using federal funds to send Cabinet secretaries and other high-level political appointees to congressional districts of GOP candidates in tight races.

How'd he do it? "Because those trips were classified as official, funds from the U.S. Treasury were used to finance the trips and reimbursement from the relevant campaigns was never sought," stated the report by the Office of Special Counsel, the independent federal agency that enforces Hatch Act restrictions on partisan political activity inside the federal government. "In other cases, even when trips were correctly designated as political, agencies used U.S. Treasury funds to cover the costs associated with the trips and did not recoup those funds as required by the Hatch Act and its regulations."

OSC found that 10 agencies used federal funds to pay for political appointees to travel to events supporting Republican candidates in 2006 and were monitored closely by the White House Office of Political Affairs. That means there was White House oversight in breaking the law. Its one thing to mislead the American people to invade foreign nations for their oil, but this was a deliberate breaking of the law. The report says that aspects of OPA that came in conflict with the Hatch Act during the Bush era "have apparently existed for decades."

Unfortunately, Hatch Act violations are punishable with a maximum penalty of dismissal - and that's unavailable now that all involved have left the government. The 10 agencies that used federal funds to pay for political appointees to travel to events supporting Republican candidates in 2006 were the departments of Transportation, Interior, Housing and Urban Development, Education, Agriculture, Health and Human Services, Energy, the Veterans Administration, the Small Business Administration and the Office of National Drug Control Policy.

Biggie Shorty

It was far more interesting when rappers were getting shot as part of epic beefs. Or when you've ever heard of them.

Former Cash Money Records artist - which is not the most regal start to a eulogy, Renetta "Magnolia Shorty" Lowe, was thoroughly shot and killed in her native New Orleans neighborhood (described my various media as housing projects). And I say that without hyperbole, as she was shot 26 times. Also murdered while sitting in the car with her was Jerome "Jerome Hampton" Hampton. Police say barrage of gunfire came from several armed perpetrators driving by.

Following "wild speculation on Twitter", Q93.3 FM's DJ Wild Wayne broke the story. Twitter and Q93.3 - the bastions of information and rap current events, no? "If y'all haven't heard, Magnolia Shorty was killed today," Wild Wayne said. "I'm just astonished. I need to get my head together for a minute." If only the Underground Railroad and Gossip Train were still operational, then y'all would have heard! Fortunately, there was a commercial for South Bend Ford queued up and ready to play, and Wild Wayne was able to get his head together to play 40 minutes of straight up phat jamz!

Magnolia Shorty, who was given her name by the late Magnolia Slim (which must be important somehow if they mentioned it in the story I read), was called the "Queen of Bounce", so naturally her debut Monkey On Tha D$ck is considered a bounce classic. Of course, you're asking yourself if you've already heard some "bounce", but if you've heard of rappers Juvenile and Lil' Wayne, then you're in the know. Other completely unknown acts from the scene include 5th Ward Weebie, Sissy Nobby, Joe Wit Da Dreads, Nicky B., Ricky B. (no relation), and Big Nigglet.

There's a whole list of equally ridiculous and never-heard-of names here. So to recap, some Z-list rapper got annihilated, and I'm only posting it because her name reminds me of the Wanda Sykes character from Pootie Tang (more swagger than that gif here).

Where You From, G(oat)?

Yeah...I'm just gonna leave you a little something from the SF New Mexican:

Everyone in the neighborhood seemed to love their evening visits to the corner of Declovina and Rosina streets. And Maria was the type of neighbor who wasn't shy — she'd walk right up no matter who you were.

That is why so many people in the central-Santa Fe community near Cerrillos Road and St. Michael's Drive were shocked to hear three gunshots Sunday evening — two of which struck and killed Maria, a Nigerian dwarf goat who lived with two other goats and several other animals at the home in the 1200 block of Declovina Street.

Yes, slow news day? Slow news lifetime in Santa Fe.

"Total shock and disbelief was all I could think," said one of two women who own the goat. They were inside their home when the drive-by shooting happened. "At this point, so many thoughts go through your mind. Why would someone do this? Are they going to come back? What if we were out in the yard when it happened?"

Maria was about 5 years old, according to her owners, who, along with several neighbors, asked not to be named as long as a motive for the shooting is unclear.

Are they coming back? For what? Your chickens?

Santa Fe police on Wednesday were at the home with a metal detector searching the yard for the third bullet that was fired from a blue-green minivan, similar in style to a Plymouth Voyager. The vehicle pulled up in front of the house heading south on Declovina before firing what police believe was a .25-caliber firearm three times. The van sped away before the two women were able to get any more identification of the vehicle.

What's similar in style to a Voyager...except, an early model Voyager?

"I don't know why anyone would do this," one neighbor said. "These animals here have become almost a sense of community pride. They're a talking point and have really brought the community together. There has never been any problems with the animals living here."

Maria's owners, one of whom is an emergency medical technician, tried for more than an hour and a half Sunday night to care for the dying goat, which was shot once in the abdomen and once through a nasal passage. Neighbors throughout the night came and tried to help, comfort and cry with one another.

Maria died around 7 p.m.

Comfort and cry? Fuck, do these people not have cable TV?

The goat owners say their three goats — Bella and Maria's son, Sonny, both survived — have been so embraced by the community that they've met neighbors they never knew they had. The women also have 12 chickens, four cats, a dog and a duck — most of which were rescue animals.

It's always hardest for the survivors. And I thought I was joking about the chickens.

"We try to do whatever we can to make sure the neighbors are always OK with our animals being here and take good care of them, and for the most part, there have never been any problems in the neighborhood because of the animals," one of the owners said. "In fact, we have neighbors stopping by each night bringing their compost over for the goats to eat. They love it."

One neighbor even rented out the three goats this past summer to eat the weeds in her backyard.

"Just about every night neighbors come by to see the animals, and we've got to know so many people," one of the animal owners said. "This is what has been so amazing about raising these animals is how they've brought a whole community together."

Next time they make a movie about saving the Rec Center, maybe they'll make it about saving a goat instead.

One community member in particular has had a hard time understanding the shooting.

Why, are they retarded, or just not clear on how firearms work?

"My 9-year-old son, he would walk our dog down here to see the goats every morning before school," one neighbor said. "When he heard about what happened, he started worrying that they're going to shoot Lucy (the family's Chihuahua dog) and now he doesn't want to come outside and hasn't walked Lucy before school yet this week. He's scared. We're all a little scared about this."

That's not a dog. What are you trying to turn your son into...a cat lover?

Aside from the obvious animal-cruelty charges the shooter faces, Santa Fe police could also pursue felony charges of shooting at an occupied dwelling and negligent use of a firearm.

"The fact that this was a goat getting killed is bad enough," Santa Fe Police Chief Aric Wheeler said. "But this is also a drive-by shooting of a home in the middle of the city. That's a major concern for us."

Police ask that anyone with information on the shooting call CrimeStoppers at 955-5050.

Yes, please do.

Señor Blood

Mauricio Mendez Lopez was discovered by his niece holding a knife and drinking a glass of his roommate's blood after killing him in their Florida home. I guess this whole vampire fad really has gone too far.

Mirella Mendez says that when she came upon Lopez, he was standing near where Macario Luna Cruz lay dead on the floor. Lopez was said to have laughed, raised the glass in the air, and told her, "This is my secret." It may end up less a case of vampirism, than something that was inspired by Mexican folklore: Mendez told police that if you drink the blood of the person you kill, you won't be arrested for the crime. And I thought believing in the chupacabra was stupid! It clearly didn't work out that way for Lopez, who was arrested later that evening.

Sure, Mexican culture is the equivalent of being the retarded kid at school, but if that doesn't fire you up, wait'll you hear about the situation that led to the crime...

Lopez and Cruz lived together, and Cruz was married to one Lopez's nieces. Cruz then started to have an affair with Mendez, who is also Lopez's niece and the sister of Cruz's wife. Huh? The cherry on top was that this happened in Florida - it's like a shitty jackpot! Why are two men living together when one of them is married, and the wife doesn't live there? Stop asking questions - of course it defies logic! When Lopez discovered the relationship in late July, he threatened to kill them if it didn't stop. And...it didn't. Over the weekend, Lopez stabbed Cruz's brother and then went to the apartment they shared and killed Cruz. Sadly, everybody else lived.

A Perfect Murder, Florida Style

This story has everything that screams Florida - a tattoo shop, gay porn stars, a married former prostitute, and a brutal killing. Brilliant! Let's meet the characters...

Jason Andrews: a bisexual Chicago DJ, (mysteriously) with a British accent, and participant in countless gay porn videos.

Amanda Logue: a married, bleach-blond Georgia woman, who once owned a lingerie shop, dabbled in prostitution, and had a burgeoning porn career.

Dennis "Scooter" Abrahamsen: a Tampa based tattoo shop owner and totally annihilated victim.

Police say the pair killed Abrahamsen May 15 and swiped $6,000 cash, his credit cards and a video camera. Abrahamsen had hired Logue, who is better (albeit slightly) known as Sunny Dae (her credits are Amateur Lesbian Lovers, Foot Fetish Femdom Ballbusters, MILF Next Door 11, and Sexxxy Amateurs) — to work at a sex party at his house. Andrews and Logue traded dozens of text messages about their homicidal plan, police said, such as:

"Just get him on his face either bash or tell me to get in and. Where to go." (Andrews)

"K I'm horny! I'm getting him to play music" (Logue)

"Wicked. Ill just be waiting. Really. Take. Your. Time." (Andrews)

Together, they stabbed and bludgeoned Abrahamsen to death with a sledgehammer.

According to their Twitter accounts, Logue and Andrews spent several weeks in Florida in April and May shooting porn videos, and Logue's Facebook account pictures show the pair grinning and hugging. Text messages retrieved from Andrews' phone show the couple discussed vinyl gloves, when other guests would leave Abrahamsen's home and what was inside a safe. The pair were arrested three days later in a neighboring county after trying to use Abrahamsen's credit card at Home Depot.

Just another wonderful day in Florida!

One More Trick Up His Sleeve?

Did Bernie Madoff swindle the feds as well as his high-flying fund investors?

That's the headline in the latest New York Post. According to a prison informant serving time with Madoff in federal prison, the Ponzi scheme mastermind claims to have sequestered $9 billion prior to his arrest. The unnamed inmate said Madoff bragged openly that he funneled the money to three friends — and that his former partner, Frank DiPascali, knows the identities of the three secret billionaires. The source claims Madoff suspects DiPascali (who pleaded guilty last year to helping Madoff fleece his investors) is using that information to cut a deal with the feds.

Could Madoff have managed to hide such a large sum of money from the army of auditors and investigators who've pored over his records? Or was he just trying to earn some cred and boost his rep? John Carney, a senior editor at CNBC.com, thinks it's entirely plausible. "Remember," he adds, "Madoff all but turned himself in. That means he had plenty of time to stash away assets overseas. I'd be shocked if he did not do this."

The prison informant added Madoff became acutely depressed and believed his wife would "take up with another man" after a book revealed his long string of extramarital affairs. And to treat his condition, the inmate claims, Madoff sought therapy from the prison psychiatrist.

What's more, the informant claims that the injuries Madoff suffered in prison last year — commonly attributed at the time to a prison beatdown — actually arose from Madoff's own adverse reactions to a prescribed antidepressant. The mystery gabber contradicted tales from another inmate serving time with Madoff that insisted anyone who physically harmed the scam artist in prison would face violent retribution. Well, that would be a shame if it wasn't true that an unrepentant Madoff said "fuck my victims".

Countdown Weekend

We're watching the calendar as next week Rybot and I exile ourselves to Montreal for the Canadian Grand Prix, which we've been pining for since January. And the following weekend shit gets really real and Scarlett moves in! A scant seven days later Herr Docktor makes an honest lady out of Weebins. June is completely in place and moving forward.

Best of the week: A porn "actor" went on a rampage at a Van Nuys video production office, killing a fellow performer and injuring two others people. Sometimes, you get into those close quarters and things...well, touch. Guess he took it poorly.

Stephen Hill aka Steve Driver, used a samurai sword that was around for prop use to kill , his co-worker and sometime co-star, Herbert Hin Wong aka Tom Dong. Oddly, the two men appeared together in Cuckold Abuse and and Femdom Humiliation, which is soon to be a best-seller. At the time, Hill was both working and living at the offices of Ultima DVD Inc. Officials said Hill did production work and acted in several porn movies., and on the night of the attack, he apparently faced the loss of his job and eviction. Two other co-workers we injured in the attack.

The always amazing Susannah Breslin, who is virtually an embedded journo in Porn Valley, has far more details about Hill and what may have led to him snapping. "While I don't recall having ever met Hill, his type is familiar: a porn fan who became so obsessed with the industry that he managed to find a place in it, a hanger-on who never got farther up than the bottom rung, a loose cannon among loose cannons who one day went off."

Hill fled the scene and was last seen driving a 1996 blue Toyota RAV4 with right-side damage - truly, the vehicle of choice for a failed-porn-actor-turned-murderer.

UPDATE: KABC-TV captured the standoff between Hill and police on a rocky cliff...wanna guess how that worked out for him?

A "less than lethal munition" was used against Hill just before he fell some 40 feet and was pronounced dead at a local hospital. He had been moving to the edge of the outcropping from a seated position before letting himself drop as police closed in on him. SWAT officers had spent part of the afternoon trying to talk Hill down from the hillside as he clutched a sword.

Video? Of course! Enjoy, you morbidly curious!

Plus: A woman in Galveston, Texas, stumbled across a bag with 16 bricks of coke worth nearly $2.1 million. Not a bad day at the beach.

After looking inside the backpack, which was tumbling in the surf, she contacted the police rather than throw the most awesome party ever. The haul weighed over 37 pounds, and each brick was marked with bar codes and wrapped in a rubber sheet, a large balloon and another plastic layer - pro shit. Authorities noted the bricks were so wrapped so well that only four of the bricks had been contaminated by seawater. "There were barnacles growing on the bag so you know it was probably in the water a long time."

The bag is the first large quantity of drugs washed up on Galveston beaches in at least a decade. No one knows how or where the drugs got in the water, but typically they are thrown overboard when law enforcement attempts to board a smuggler's vessel. Although the amount found was large, it amounts to a fraction of the cocaine brought into the United States. The 37 pounds would probably have been turned into 100 pounds of street product.

And: Kendry Morales took a leap toward home plate and all of a sudden, a jubilant trip around the bases turned into a deflating trip to the disabled list. Punk ass!

Morales broke his left leg after hitting a game-ending grand slam in the 10th inning of the Los Angeles Anaheim Angels' 5-1 victory against Seattle on Saturday. Morales landed awkwardly when he jumped on home plate and twisted his left ankle. He had to be carted off the field and taken to the hospital. He was placed on the 15-day disabled list.

Most of those ball players are hardly what I'd call athletic with their physique, but now we can also call them clumsy, uncoordinated, and borderline retarded.

A smiling Morales threw down his helmet a few steps from the plate, took a hop and then jumped toward the plate as teammates began to pat him on the head. Morales quickly went down and grimaced as he rolled onto his back. He lay on the ground for at least 10 minutes and waved his arms to the cheering fans as he was driven away to the hospital...like a putz.

"Obviously, we're going to have to change the way we go about celebrating something like that," said manager Mike Scioscia. Here's the video for a chuckle.

Best picture of the week:

proper vandalism

Best bonus links:

• Catan Finally Coming to PlayStation 3 - I don't know if one of the best games ever will translate to gaming consoles, but let's give it a shot.

• Sarah Ferguson Drunk, Totally Broke When She Accepted Bribe - Not sober and well off, which would have made her choice so much more interesting.

• Oakland To License, Tax Indoor Marijuana Growers - The road to legal apparently runs through Northern California.

• PSD502 Spray Delays Premature Ejaculation - The trouble is spraying it straight down your dickhole. But you won't come too fast.

• Are These Not The Classiest Knives You've Ever Seen? - They are.

• Nail In The Coffin: The Best And Worst Of Hollywood Vampires - They mentioned Near Dark, so it has legitimacy.

• Narrow Streets Los Angeles - Imagining if our beautiful, grand road were compacted like those tiny thoroughfares of the east coast.

• Hair Is Worth 17 Grand - The nappiest way to earn a few bucks.

• Al-Qaida No. 3 Official Killed With Family - The terrorists that stay together get slayed together.

• Futuristic Mega-Projects By Shimizu - What did you expect from a website called Pink Tentacle?

• The United States Of Supercomputing Against The World - Home of the WOPR!

• Jail Population Declines For First Time Since '82 - Jail rapes however, have held steady.

• Lifehacker Pack 2010: Our List Of Essential Windows Downloads - Get 'em. Use 'em. Spread the word.

• Al And Tipper Gore, Married 40 Years, To Separate - Time to use some of that An Inconvenient Truth cred and hook it up with some ladies.

• TV University Faculty Roster - They're not all TV personalities, but it'd be a hell of a school.

• H.P. Lovecraft Inspired Art Show To Open In Brooklyn Next Week - The Old Ones request you buy some of their signed prints. Or go insane.

• Mayor Accused Of Beating Elderly Woman - He gave her an important lesson in civics.

Worst of the week: Which is a bigger travesty - that the things Sarah Palin says are borderline retarded, or the things she doesn't say and passes off as her own make her look retarded.

On Memorial Day, Palin tweeted the following: "VETERANS, not reporters ,give freedom of the press. VETS, not politicians, give freedom to vote. VETS, not campus radicals, give freedom to assemble." It's remarkably similar to the 1970 poem by former soldier Charles M. Province:

IT IS THE SOLDIER

It is the Soldier, not the minister
Who has given us freedom of religion.

It is the Soldier, not the reporter
Who has given us freedom of the press.

It is the Soldier, not the poet
Who has given us freedom of speech.

It is the Soldier, not the campus organizer
Who has given us freedom to protest.

It is the Soldier, not the lawyer
Who has given us the right to a fair trial.

It is the Soldier, not the politician
Who has given us the right to vote.

It is the Soldier who salutes the flag,
Who serves beneath the flag,
And whose coffin is draped by the flag,
Who allows the protester to burn the flag.

I'm just surprised Sarah Palin is smart enough to figure out how to use Twitter.

Plus: Cocaine abusers (and not the folks who find it on the beach) can add rotting flesh to list of downsides.

A recent report in Annals of Internal Medicine noted two cases involving women with a history of cocaine use who came to a hospital for help when they noticed purplish plaques on their cheeks, earlobes, legs, thighs and buttocks. It turned out to be typical of toxicity with levamisole. You know levamisole - the a veterinary anti-worming medication approved for use in cattle, sheep and pigs. Sure, it was once used to treat cancer, autoimmune diseases and kidney problems in humans, but it had adverse side effects. Y'know, the rotting flesh.

Levamisole is often used to cut cocaine, before distribution to the user, and almost 80% of cocaine coming into America has levamisole mixed in. So get that other 20% if you can.

And: "Everything about Debrahlee Lorenzana is hot. Even her name sizzles," writes the Village Voice in a profile of the banker who was fired for being "too distracting for her male colleagues to bear."

Lorenzana is about to enter arbitration with Citibank, which she accuses of wrongful termination. As her lawsuit puts it, her bosses told her that "as a result of the shape of her figure, such clothes were purportedly 'too distracting' for her male colleagues and supervisors to bear." Wow, those guys are a bunch of pussies. They couldn't concentrate on their work because her appearance was too distracting? They ordered her to stop wearing turtlenecks? Forbidden to wear pencil skirts, three-inch heels, and fitted business suits? They didn't deserve to enjoy it if they couldn't handle it.

Lorenzana is a 33-year-old single mom, and pointed out female colleagues whose clothing was far more revealing than hers: "They said their body shapes were different from mine, and I drew too much attention," she says. They should have just hired more hot chicks.

Worst picture of the week:

the sad truth

Worst bonus links:

• Poll: Should Bret Michaels Replace Simon Cowell On American Idol - No. And why the fuck would you think he should?

• Prescott, Ariz., Elementary School To 'Whiten' Image Of Child In Mural - I believe the correct term is whitewashing.

• Cameron Diaz: Lots Of Sex Is My Fountain Of Youth - With who, you crone?

• Taxi Driver Kills 12, Wounds 25 In England - Sounds like he was more like the American Taxi Driver.

• Celine Dion Pregnant Again At Last...With Twins - Two more unholy spawn? Science does not always make miracles.

• 'Bombshell' McGee Admits Anti-Semitism - So, I guess those Nazi tattoos and clothes did mean you were a racist whore.

• China Sets New Rules Banning Confessions By Torture / Foxconn Raises Worker Pay By 30% After Suicides - See, China is on the right track.

• Online Dating Ghostwriter - If somebody needs to ghost write your profile and correspond, you were properly left out of the dating pool.

• Mariah Carey Shows Off New Pregnancy Curves! / Mariah Carey & Nick Cannon Have Familiar Baby Name In Mind - Great, seven more months of useless Mariah Carey baby stories.

• California Bans Plastic Bags - Must we all look like hippie douches carrying canvas sacks?

• Singer Leona Lewis Fell Down An Elevator Shaft! - Put her in your dead pool, because she is a magnet for pain.

• The 66 Most Overrated Women Of 2010 / 15 Of The Worst Kinds of Boobs (Yes, Really) - Putting a little feminine flavor in the worst links.

• Rossi Wants To Be Third Ferrari Driver - They have a hard enough time with Massa being their second driver. Three is two too many.

• Laura Ling Names Baby After Sister And Bill Clinton - So was it a boy or a girl. Or does it matter?

• One-Time JonBenet Suspect Recruiting Kids / Holloway Suspect Sought In Peru Murder - Once a scumbag, always a scumbag.

• Titanic Director Cameron Joins Effort To Plug Gulf Spill - Just because you made 3D cat-monkeys and a film about a boat doesn't make you qualified to fix an oil leak.

• Kristen Stewart: Fame Is Like Being Raped - Sometimes I wish lots of fame on Hollywood's less-than-elite.

Love Is A Battlefield

A St. Paul man charged with beating up a woman admitted that he hit her, but only after she hit him first. By the way, she's a quadruple amputee.

A criminal complaint filed in Ramsey County District Court said that Jacoby Laquan Smith got angry at his girlfriend Tiesha Bell because she blocked his view of the television in their East Side apartment. He threw her to the floor and punched Bell in the face more than 10 times in the March 22 incident.

But in a telephone interview, Smith said the dispute with Bell started with an argument over whether she was seeing another man. "I had been dealing with her cheating on me," Smith said, proving that men will fuck anything, even a quadruple amputee with a boyfriend.

Smith said the argument escalated after "I turned on the TV and she got mad." "She punched me in the groin". He said Bell also hit him with a coffee canister and a bedpan. And yes, "It was full of pee," he said.

In response, "I hit her once and that was it," Smith said. "Maybe twice."

Although Bell had both hands and part of both legs amputated because of a childhood illness, Smith said she can still be violent when she loses her temper. "She'll swing, push me down and choke me with her nubs," Smith said. He said she also hit him with her wheelchair. Wow, there is a fine line between foreplay and violence.

Bell agreed there was hitting on both sides. She said she plans to marry Smith and doesn't want him to serve jail time. "We both need anger management," she said. And someone needs prosthetics. Smith has been charged with fifth degree assault, a misdemeanor, and interfering with a 911 call, a gross misdemeanor. He said he plans to turn himself into police later this week.