This Is 40?

Hello, my sweet...yes it has been a while since we've seen each other.

Sadly, I feel it may be a while until we see each other again, and I suspect it will happen when I least expect or plan it.  The fact is there's too much to do, too many things to draw my focus, and not enough time to spend frivolously on observational humor, web links, and found photos.

Don't get me wrong, I've enjoyed every minute of it, and it has been as much an identity and ideology as any truly dedicated endeavor, but there are times that you recognize where a cycle starts and ends, and for now, this is a good point to make that mark.

It was difficult to allow this to fade away and phase out, the process becoming outwardly evident over the last year and a half with the inconsistent postings, but for me, it was harder because this fit perfectly into the spot reserved for self indulgence and exacerbated by a(n) (un)healthy obsessive / compulsive streak.  Once, it was imperative to make those multiple posts - up to 10 a day, in order to satisfy that urge, and even when that was broken and a more reasonable three were made, it was something that took some adjustment to be capable of.

So today I'm marking my 40th birthday, and like so many symbolic gestures, it occurred to me that it was timely, or at least time, to acknowledge the true pleasure and love I've had curating IOvUF, and for any and every single person who took the time to read a post.  And before we bookend this with a look back to the origin, I'll liberate, er, appropriate this perfectly poignant and spot-on speech by the late-and-always-great Dave "Oderus Urungus" Brockie for some context:

Nothing has changed...nothing has changed here.  We're still the wonderful, down-to-Earth, kinda motherfucking homosexual, butt-raping, dogfucking, kinda motherfuckers you love.  And let me tell you one thing...if any of you guys, or any of you girls, wanna come backstage after the show - get sucked, fucked, smoke some crack - it's okay by me.

Now, without any further ado, take it away guys...

Tuesday, April 17, 2007: Revisiting The Big Bang

Really, it was more like the Big Whimper, but nonetheless my sense of wasting time triumphed over productivity and I shat out Living To Die. The concept was based on a combination of things The Good Doctor and I humored ourselves with, starting with the poignant final words of Roy Batty -- “time to die”. And much like the realization that all our moments and memories will eventually be lost like tears in the rain, so was the reaction and cynical afterbirth of the LTD philosophy – necessary and immutably true.

The mantra was a follows:

First you are born. Then you have a pretty good time for about 25 years. Then it is time for you to fucking die. I didn't make the rules. But I will enforce them.

In a sickly, sensible way it worked. The futility of jobs. The failure of relationships. The sacrifice of watching your dreams die. Nobody said that it was going to be easy, but no one said that it was going to be this hard, and at least we had the forethought to remember to smile stupidly while we were taking the beating. Yes, it sounds morbidly pessimistic, but it’s not.

Meanwhile, back in the oft-forgotten MAGNAband forums, I was hacking and slashing away at the same stupid brutality that life provides as both sport and amusement daily. In the hope of stunning people into thinking with radically sensible ideas I ingratiated myself with Schadenfreude. Sadly, some twat on Blogger has already claimed that perch on the web, and she actually thinks that her own pathetic, dull misfortune is going to provide us glee. News flash, sweetie – there is zero interest in your blandness. I’ve been in traffic that was more interesting that the pointlessness of your existence, and the fact you lucked into camping on one of the most kick ass site names is tragic. Let us all hope nothing but the worst for she who volunteered to be the schadenfreude touchstone, as it is by default no less than what she deserves for making such an egregious claim. Yet we digress…

In spite of a set of misanthropic tendencies, egotistical embellishment, keen awareness of stupidity and a lack of regard for restraint or correctness as a result, I have made the next evolutionary step philosophically. For a long time I fixated on the concept of an immovable object and an unstoppable force, and their inherent opposition to each other, which fit perfectly with my quasi-dualistic reasoning (which like the Soul Coughing song of the same name postulates “Is Chicago, Is Not Chicago” – and that’s loose meta-logic). The dichotomy is still there – living to die, as is the contrast of two concepts, but IOvUF is the examination of the complete nature of opposition, of being both caught between either side as well as being objectively aware of it.

Granted, all of that is a touch excessive given the overt applications here – satire, mockery, criticism, enlightenment, adoration, and creativity – not some revelatory direction in which to restyle my (your) existence. But we’re all still living to die, so while this may be nothing more than another voice for the vocal, it has changed, and for that I take pause to note -- before -- it is time to die.

Weekend Edition

Counting down the top 20 links we didn't cover during the week...

20 • The Hilarious Difference Between Google And Bing In One Picture - Okay, maybe not hilarious. Which one of those search engines came up with that hyperbole?

19 • How Marc Maron Picks Music For His Show - A neurotic dart board?

18 • How To Use Math To Dominate At Monopoly - Interesting read, horrible layout with a million giant photos.

17 • J. Cole: Gun-Toting Twitter Fan Investigated By Police - Illegal? Potentially. Great photo? Definitely.

16 • The Quotable Darryl Sutter (2013) - Pearls of wisdom and knowledge from the L.A. Kings coach.

15 • Drunk Alaska Man Mauled After Feeding BBQ To Black Bear - In the bear's defense, he wanted fish, not ribs (even though he had some).

14 • Paraplegic Castrated At Pennsylvania Facility / Three Charged With Enslaving Disabled Ohio Mom, Child - These states share a border. And lunatics.

13 • Gruesome Video Appears To Be Aftermath Of Michael Hastings' Car Crash - Here's your chance to watch a wrecked car burn for five minutes. And if this ain't your cup of tea, you'll want to skip #4 for sure.

12 • Researchers Have Found A Way To Cram 1,000 Terabytes Onto A Single DVD - The disc said it was quite uncomfortable.

11 • The Academy Of Motion Pictures Currently Employs An Ex-Porn Director - Naturally...how else could the MPAA continue to screw people.

10 • A Battery So Small, You'll Never Know If It's Included - There's AA and AAA now, but this means AAAAAAAAAAAA is coming.

09 • Amanda Bynes: ‘I Got My Breast Implants Removed’ - 2013's boob of the year had hers normalized, but still has metal spikes in her cheeks and is out of her goddamn mind.

08 • AMA Declares Obesity A Disease - Huge (no pun intended) mistake. Lack of willpower does not have a prescription cure.

07 • Hollywood & Highland Allegation: She Took Picture Of Transients, They Stabbed Her To Death - My suggestion to kill all the homeless is worse than rounding them up for work interment camps, but I still theink both are effective ways to deal with the issue.

06 • Dim Star Becomes 7 Times Hotter In 160 Seconds - Not a reference to the Amanda Bynes story.

05 • Starbucks Raising Prices Despite Lower Bean Cost - The reason is because the, uh...because now it's more expensive to, um...oh, fuck it. They just greedy.

04 • Plane With Wing Walker Crashes At Ohio Show; 2 Die - The announcer is just making it worse before the actual crash.

03 • Standing Man: Turkey's Eerie, Powerful New Protest Movement - Far more successful than Sitting Man and Prone Man.

02 • Snake Expert Killed By Snake While Helping People With Fear Of Snakes - Or, ironic death ironically adds to irony.

01 • British Spy Agency Is Saving Everyone's Email And Calls Too - Nice to see our colonial progenitors are keeping up with their kids.

Playoff Hockey, Suspension Edition (aka The Shanabans, so far...)

Raffi Torres - 25 games (check out his rap sheet of dirty hits and suspensions)

Aaron Asham - 4 games

Carl Hagelan - 3 games

Andrew Shaw - 3 games

Byron Bitz - 2 games

Matt Carkner - 1 game

James Neal - 1 game

Nicklas Backstrom - 1 game

BONUS:

WTF...no call?

  Damn right that's a clean hit!

Biggie Shorty

It was far more interesting when rappers were getting shot as part of epic beefs. Or when you've ever heard of them.

Former Cash Money Records artist - which is not the most regal start to a eulogy, Renetta "Magnolia Shorty" Lowe, was thoroughly shot and killed in her native New Orleans neighborhood (described my various media as housing projects). And I say that without hyperbole, as she was shot 26 times. Also murdered while sitting in the car with her was Jerome "Jerome Hampton" Hampton. Police say barrage of gunfire came from several armed perpetrators driving by.

Following "wild speculation on Twitter", Q93.3 FM's DJ Wild Wayne broke the story. Twitter and Q93.3 - the bastions of information and rap current events, no? "If y'all haven't heard, Magnolia Shorty was killed today," Wild Wayne said. "I'm just astonished. I need to get my head together for a minute." If only the Underground Railroad and Gossip Train were still operational, then y'all would have heard! Fortunately, there was a commercial for South Bend Ford queued up and ready to play, and Wild Wayne was able to get his head together to play 40 minutes of straight up phat jamz!

Magnolia Shorty, who was given her name by the late Magnolia Slim (which must be important somehow if they mentioned it in the story I read), was called the "Queen of Bounce", so naturally her debut Monkey On Tha D$ck is considered a bounce classic. Of course, you're asking yourself if you've already heard some "bounce", but if you've heard of rappers Juvenile and Lil' Wayne, then you're in the know. Other completely unknown acts from the scene include 5th Ward Weebie, Sissy Nobby, Joe Wit Da Dreads, Nicky B., Ricky B. (no relation), and Big Nigglet.

There's a whole list of equally ridiculous and never-heard-of names here. So to recap, some Z-list rapper got annihilated, and I'm only posting it because her name reminds me of the Wanda Sykes character from Pootie Tang (more swagger than that gif here).

The Hammer Falls

Not that I wasn't his champion when he was enforcing for our team, but now that he's moved on, I'm totally okay with Raitis Ivanans (now a Calgary Flame) getting pummeled by Steve MacIntyre on opening night. That bodes well for when we play Calgary on Sunday, right?

The Bull Strikes Back

You all know how much I love the annual running of the bulls mauling of the idiots, so naturally I feel the same when similar outcomes occur in the arena.

On Wednesday, an 1,100 pound bull leaped into the packed grandstands of the Tafalla arena where close to 3,500 spectators were momentarily subjected to a taste of their own ironic medicine. Sadly, only 40 spectators were injured and no one was killed. Awesomely, the bull vaulted several yards to clear the barriers at the edge of the ring before charging and tossing everything he could. At this kind of event, young people try to get a bull to charge at them so they can dodge it, but unlike standard bullfights, the bulls are not killed in these events - though this one was killed once it breached the viewing area.

The bull had already attempted to jump into the stands twice. After damaging a horn, he was about to be returned to the corral and replaced with another bull when he tried a third time and succeeded. I love it - they should make it into a children's tale about perseverance. The injured included a 10-year-old boy who was in intensive care after the bull reportedly fell on him. Another man was gored in the back and was said to be in stable condition.

Why do I revel in the suffering? Because karma pays you back with interest. And that people like Inaki Zunzarren, who was treated for bruises, say, "The bull caught me and hurled me against the (concrete) seating. What an experience!". What an experience? This is titillating to them. HR and I certainly agree that people do not have enough fear and respect for the natural world.

3-D(amage)

Finally, a movie in 3D I actually give a shit about.

The Only Worthwhile Thing About Indy Racing

Far more dramatic looking than the Webber / Vettel tangle in Turkey over the weekend, but hardly as meaningful to the race. Or the season.

Teacher's Pest

A student at NYU's Stern School of Business sent a complaint email to a tough professor about his Brand Management class's lateness policy.

Big mistake.

The professor emailed back and totally eviscerated the student like a fat kid at a buffet. Thanks to the interweb, it will live in in infamy, forever.

And for background, Professor Scott Galloway is the founder of redenvelope.com, and also has a reputation for being a self-important "jackass". He was on the New York Times board of directors before resigning last week (unrelated).

Sent: Tuesday, February 9, 2010 7:15:11 PM GMT -08:00 US/Canada Pacific
Subject: Brand Strategy Feedback

Prof. Galloway,

I would like to discuss a matter with you that bothered me. Yesterday evening I entered your 6pm Brand Strategy class approximately 1 hour late. As I entered the room, you quickly dismissed me, saying that I would need to leave and come back to the next class. After speaking with several students who are taking your class, they explained that you have a policy stating that students who arrive more than 15 minutes late will not be admitted to class.

As of yesterday evening, I was interested in three different Monday night classes that all occurred simultaneously. In order to decide which class to select, my plan for the evening was to sample all three and see which one I like most. Since I had never taken your class, I was unaware of your class policy. I was disappointed that you dismissed me from class considering (1) there is no way I could have been aware of your policy and (2) considering that it was the first day of evening classes and I arrived 1 hour late (not a few minutes), it was more probable that my tardiness was due to my desire to sample different classes rather than sheer complacency.

I have already registered for another class but I just wanted to be open and provide my opinion on the matter.

Regards,
xxxx

—
xxxx
MBA 2010 Candidate
NYU Stern School of Business
xxxx.nyu.edu
xxx-xxx-xxxx

The Reply:

—— Forwarded Message ——-
From: scott@stern.nyu.edu
To: "xxxx"
Sent: Tuesday, February 9, 2010 9:34:02 PM GMT -08:00 US/Canada Pacific
Subject: Re: Brand Strategy Feedback

xxxx:

Thanks for the feedback. I, too, would like to offer some feedback.

Just so I've got this straight...you started in one class, left 15-20 minutes into it (stood up, walked out mid-lecture), went to another class (walked in 20 minutes late), left that class (again, presumably, in the middle of the lecture), and then came to my class. At that point (walking in an hour late) I asked you to come to the next class which "bothered" you.

Correct?

You state that, having not taken my class, it would be impossible to know our policy of not allowing people to walk in an hour late. Most risk analysis offers that in the face of substantial uncertainty, you opt for the more conservative path or hedge your bet (e.g., do not show up an hour late until you know the professor has an explicit policy for tolerating disrespectful behavior, check with the TA before class, etc.). I hope the lottery winner that is your recently crowned Monday evening Professor is teaching Judgement and Decision Making or Critical Thinking.

In addition, your logic effectively means you cannot be held accountable for any code of conduct before taking a class. For the record, we also have no stated policy against bursting into show tunes in the middle of class, urinating on desks or taking that revolutionary hair removal system for a spin. However, xxxx, there is a baseline level of decorum (i.e., manners) that we expect of grown men and women who the admissions department have deemed tomorrow's business leaders.

xxxx, let me be more serious for a moment. I do not know you, will not know you and have no real affinity or animosity for you. You are an anonymous student who is now regretting the send button on his laptop. It's with this context I hope you register pause...REAL pause xxxx and take to heart what I am about to tell you:

xxxx, get your shit together.

Getting a good job, working long hours, keeping your skills relevant, navigating the politics of an organization, finding a live/work balance...these are all really hard, xxxx. In contrast, respecting institutions, having manners, demonstrating a level of humility...these are all (relatively) easy. Get the easy stuff right xxxx. In and of themselves they will not make you successful. However, not possessing them will hold you back and you will not achieve your potential which, by virtue of you being admitted to Stern, you must have in spades. It's not too late xxxx...

Again, thanks for the feedback.

Professor Galloway

Marking 26 Years This Weekend

It's Scarlett's birthday this weekend, so there's much to do in preparation...keep yourself occupied with this recap of the week.

Best of the week: All she wants for Christmas is her two front teeth...back.

An aerialist performing during a holiday show at the Beverly Center mall (here in LA) was injured and hospitalized after falling to the shopping center floor, authorities said. One witness said the performer appeared to fall about 40 feet -- from the third level of the shopping center to the first. That's how you avoid the escalator lines!

The 26-year-old woman slipped while she was hanging upside down from a solid metal hoop suspended from the ceiling during the finale of the show "Hunky Santa and the Candy Cane Girls," said Ray Pierce, owner of Hollywood Aerial Arts, the firm putting on the performance. Hunky Santa was not injured.

She managed to turn herself right side up before falling, injuring her wrist and pelvis. She was not wearing a harness, and there were no nets to break her fall. However, a video projection cube was. "She's a total pro, for some reason she slipped in this one move," Pierce said. I question her pro status - the one move she should have mastered was not falling off her metal hoop. Susan Vance, marketing and sponsorship director for the mall and imbecile (you'll see why in a moment), called the fall an “isolated incident.” No shit...if it was raining performed I think we'd know. “She’s been evaluated and is doing well,” she said. “These are all world-class performers, they do this all the time. It was a human error, basically." You've done enough, now shut the fuck up.

The show, which began as a holiday promotion to boost sales, features aerial performers, wearing sparkly red outfits, suspended up to 80 feet up inside the mall. Pierce said the aerialist had been with the company for five years and had performed around the globe for 15 years.
He said the firm would be reviewing tapes of the performance, which was halted after the accident. A total of 60 performances were planned and they would resume by the end of the week.

Wanna see it? Of course you do.

Also: Court officials say a Birmingham woman who changed her name to Jesus Christ didn't live up to it when she reported for jury duty this week.You mean, she wasn't the Son Of Man and looked like a hippie?

The woman, previously named Dorothy Lola Killingworth, was sent to Judge Clyde Jones's courtroom for a criminal case. Court officials told The Birmingham News that the 59-year-old was excused because she was disruptive and kept asking questions instead of answering them.

Court administrator Sandra Turner said people there were shocked when the woman insisted her name was Jesus Christ and some potential jurors laughed out loud when her name was called. But Turner said unlike some Jefferson County residents, Christ didn't try to get out of jury duty and was "perfectly happy to serve." Well, except for the disrupting part and avoidance of those questions...

Efforts to reach Christ for comment were unsuccessful. Maybe they should pray, or go to church.

Plus: How's this for a headline - "Former Miss Argentina Dies After Botched Butt Surgery". Couldn't pass that up.

Beauty queen Solange Magnano, who won the title in 1994, died after experiencing complications following a botched operation to boost her buttocks. That's so stupid, she deserves to die.

The former Miss Argentina (38) underwent butt implant surgery in Buenos Aires just before Thanksgiving, and suffered a pulmonary embolism - a blocked artery - the following day after undergoing a gluteoplasty. Her close pal, fashion designer Roberto Piazza, revealed the tragedy happened when liquid injected into Magnano's backside "went to her lungs and brain". She was pronounced dead on Sunday.

Piazza adds, "A woman who had everything lost her life to have a slightly firmer behind." Yes, and that was her choice, the worst and last of her life. Police have since launched an investigation into her death, but if they check for ass fluid, they'll find it's not where it should be and was the culprit.

And: Want a peek into Tiger Woods' erotic dream life? Try to keep your food down.

It involves one of his "alleged" mistresses Rachel Uchitel -- in a menage a trois with New York Yankees Derek Jeter and Bones actor David Boreanaz. Yep, here comes the dry heaves.

Us Weekly reports that NYC club manager Uchitel (34) bragged to friends of her flings with the rich and famous -- Uchitel's conquests apparently included Woods plus Ryan Seacrest, Jeter and the married Boreanaz. Yes, it's already questionable with the name of Seacrest in there...

A boastful Uchitel allegedly forwarded along a bizarre, extremely private email from Woods, 33, in which he referenced her famous flings. "I had a dream we were married and I was leading the tournament," Woods reportedly wrote. "I came home, excited to see you, and there you were in the bedroom getting fucked by Derek and David [Boreanaz]. Some part of me thinks you would like that. Now I can't get back to sleep. My body is tired, but my mind is awake. Need an Ambien."

I'm going to need something much stronger to try and erase those images.

Best picture of the week:

When news happens, they make have it first.

Best bonus links:
• Residents Smell Foul Odor In San Fernando Valley - It was later determined to be Van Nuys.
• Man 'Finishes' World Of Warcraft - Now he can move on to his other goals of moving out of his parent's basement and losing his virginity.
• Iran Whistleblower Died From Drug-Laced Salad - Dually proving that nobody likes a snitch, or a vegetarian.
• Florida Judge Wants Footage In 'Girls Gone Wild' Suit - He will be in the judges chambers reviewing them thoroughly, and asked not to be disturbed

Worst of the week: A different approach to "oral" hygiene.

Jen Phillips at Mother Jones found herself with the proposition of sweetening her delicates.

I recently got a press release from the makers of Linger, an "internal feminine flavoring" that promises to keep your vagina in mint condition. Think of it as an Altoid for your lady parts or, as its website explains, "A small, naturally sweetened flavoring, free of artificial dyes, which was created to flavor the secretions of a woman when she is sexually aroused." What...the...?!

So where did the idea for this curiously wrong mint come from? Linger's website (a little NSFW) offers up a wondrous, romantic tale about the supposed discoverer of femimint hygiene, an unnamed woman who was seduced in India by a man with skin "the color of caramel." He quelled her fears of tasting bad "down there" with a mysterious, Eastern mint. "When I returned to the States, I brought the tingly sweet tasting mint with me," she writes. I've requested an interview with this mysterious entrepreneur, but have yet to speak with her. However, Linger's PR guy did send me a sample—made in exotic New Jersey. But that was just my first taste of disappointment.

My tin of Linger looked a lot like one of those tins of mints that are given away at trade shows. And guess what? That's what it is. A little digging revealed that Linger is made/distributed by a company called Admints, which just happens to make trade show mints. And the Linger samples just happen to have have the exact same shape, taste, and ingredients as Admint's sample mints. So how does Linger manage to pass off breath mints as vaginal Tic Tacs in $7.99 packs? Despite the salacious creation story and testimonials on its site ("It gets a little warm as it starts to dissolve which took just under an hour. Then, it is SO good!!"), the mint is labeled "for novelty use only."

This is a common practice in the sex-products industry, explains Charlie Glickman, the education program manager at Good Vibrations. It gives manufacturers some cover if something goes awry, he explains. "They could say, 'It's just a novelty toy. You weren't actually expecting to use this were you?'" And if you actually do expect to use Linger to "flavor the woman in a manner that is safe and effective," be warned: its primary ingredient is sugar, which is not safe for the vagina. It messes up the pH and can lead to a really painful yeast infection, a condition that definitely doesn't make someone want to "linger."

Minty fresh is fine for your breath, but if you've got some less than inviting smells, you better hit the shower and use lots of soap.

Also: Every year Babs Walters picks the "most interesting people of the year" for her interview special, and this year they say the list is "little edgier, more current and less obvious than usual"

Absolute bullshit.

Kate Gosselin, Sarah Palin, Lady Gaga, Glenn Beck, Tyler Perry, Adam Lambert, Brett Favre, Jenny Sanford, Paris, Prince Michael and Prince Michael II Jackson, plus a mystery guest. they are far less the most interesting as they are the most fawned over by the likes of People magazine, OMG!, and Perez Hilton. These are all pretty much tabloid fodder personalities.

Not that hard hitting journalism and Barbara Walters ever belonged in the same sentence, but these are fluff pieces on the most despised people in the country - and yes, even if you are on the wrong side of that you have to at least admit how many are absolutely enraged by the unnecessary attention and focus is given to many of these celebrity non-entities. If there were no water coolers in America there'd be absolutely no mention of most of them, and look at the staggering lack of intellect staging those conversations too.

Kate Gosselin is unfit to be a mother eight times over, and that doesn't even touch upon her failures as a likable human. Sarah Palin is when a joke goes too far. Lady Gaga is a fameseeking attention whore who is nowhere as innovating or inventive as she thinks she is. Glenn Beck is an evil, lying sack if shit that somehow managed to get on television to spew his venom. Tyler Perry has made an empire off crappy film and television that has only shown us how low the bar is for entertaining a part of the masses. Adam Lambert is more interesting in being a gay entertainer and an entertainer who is gay. Brett Favre has made his cry wolf routine outshine his abilities. Jenny Sanford has the limelight on her because her creep husband cheated on her and fucked the taxpayers and voted as a bonus. Paris, Prince Michael and Prince Michael II Jackson may or may not be the offspring of their circus sideshow father, but are the only untapped, unexploited resource in his legacy.

Surely you're better off not turning on the television.

Worst picture of the week:

Maybe it's a good thing that print dies out.

Worst bonus links:
• Natalie Portman: 'I Didn't Touch Pot Till My 20s' / Video: Alleged Pot-Smoking Monroe On Film - A dead celebrity smoked pot? A present one waited a few years longer than others to try. It's neither startling nor newsworthy.
• Jenny McCarthy: 'I'm Soon To Be A Grandma!' - No, you're not. Especially when your boyfriend's daughter is the one who is pregnant.
• Some Kids Still Swallowing Soda Can Safety Tabs - Some kids are still too stupid to live...this is natural selection.
• Latin America's First Gay Marriage Thwarted - That seems like it worked to easily. Perhaps if they want to keep illegal aliens out, perhaps they should line the border with gay marriage.
• Regis Philbin Has Hip Replacement Surgery - Sorry, but nothing is going to make him hip.

This Guy

Cosmixxrock cosmic rocks the fine line between MMA entrance music and emo angst! Normally I don't put the related videos in there, but you're gonna want to watch more.

Millions Now Living Will Never Die

If current life expectancy trends continue, more than half of babies born in "rich nations" since 2000 will live to 100 years of age, and they'll have less disability than elderly people in previous generations. Suck it, modern day old folks!

That's the conclusion of researchers (the age, not the sucking it) who found that increases in life expectancy evident in rich nations since 1840 show no signs of slowing.

"The linear increase in record life expectancy for more than 165 years does not suggest a looming limit to human lifespan. If life expectancy were approaching a limit, some deceleration of progress would probably occur. Continued progress in the longest living populations suggests that we are not close to a limit, and further rise in life expectancy seems likely." Yep, that's an official quote.

During the 20th century, huge increases in life expectancy (30 years or more) occurred in developed nations. Even if health conditions don't improve, 75% of babies born in rich nations since 2000 can expect to live to 75, the researchers concluded. Their analysis from more than 30 developed countries revealed that death rates among people older than 80 are still falling. In 1950, the likelihood of survival from age 80 to 90 was about 16% for women and 12% for men, but that more than doubled (37% and 25%) in 2002.

And if you want to outlive any ills or disease, don't get cryogenic treatment.

The frozen head of late baseball legend Ted Williams was severely abused, according to an excerpt from the upcoming book, Frozen. The story chronicles the remains of the late Red Sox slugger in the Alcor Life Extension Foundation, a cryogenic facility in Arizona. And I would believe that it's true, since the book’s author is a former Alcor executive.

Larry Johnson, tells how Williams’ corpse became “Alcorian A-1949″ at the facility, where bodies are kept suspended in liquid nitrogen in case future generations learn how to revive them. Yes, learn. Johnson writes that in July 2002, shortly after the Red Sox slugger died at age 83, technicians with no medical certification gleefully photographed and used crude equipment to decapitate the majors’ last .400 hitter. Williams’ severed head was then frozen, and even used for batting practice by a technician trying to dislodge it from a tuna fish can.

He also adds that holes were drilled in Williams’ severed head for the insertion of microphones, then frozen in liquid nitrogen while Alcor employees recorded the sounds of Williams’ brain cracking 16 times as temperatures dropped to -321 degrees Fahrenheit. I have no idea why they'd do that, but I would like to hear those sounds.

Now, back to that tuna can...the head was balanced on an empty can of Bumble Bee tuna to keep it from sticking to the bottom of its case. Johnson describes watching as another Alcor employee removing Williams’ head from the freezer with a stick, and tried to dislodge the tuna can by swinging at it with a monkey wrench. The technician (no .406 hitter like the baseball legend) missed the can with several swings of the wrench and smacked Williams’ head directly, spraying “tiny pieces of frozen head” around the room.

Gruesome. The Williams estate paid $120,000 for Ted’s body to be “suspended.” I wonder how much they'll be asking for in the lawsuit. The story continues as Johnson is scheduled to appear on ABC’s “Nightline” this Tuesday.

Chimp Chomp

Another in our series of "don't fuck with mother nature" stories...

The director of the Berlin Zoo made famous by the polar bear cub Knut has had his finger bitten off by a chimpanzee called Pedro. Sure, it's ethnic sounding, but his full name is Pedro Marciano Thor Mohammed Hwang O'Brien Schlutz.

Bernhard Blaszkiewitz (55, and now nine fingered) was feeding Pedro walnuts as he showed a visitor round the zoo Monday when the ape grabbed his hand and bit off his right index finger. Guess who's still getting laid tonight, although I think a sympathy hump was not the plan.

"Pedro is the boss of the group so he has to demonstrate a certain dominance in it to prove himself," a zoo spokesman said. "Under normal circumstances, a chimp would never have the chance to reach a keeper or our director." But under abnormal circumstances, it's all kinds of dangerous there. Given the disregard for rules and safety, we can expect Pedro to have a trophy necklace of fingers and ears in no time!

Doctors sewed Blaszkiewitz's finger back on but said it was not clear if the operation would be successful. Well, at least the reattachment part. Keepers said the incident would have no repercussions for the 28-year-old Pedro, because really, he's a monkey, and you don't punish the animal acting on natural instinct. If you punish anyone, it's Blaszkiewitz - sew the finger on backwards or something.