Insignificant Expensive Things

Owners of a handwritten letter by reclusive writer J.D. Salinger hope to sell the document for $50,000. Should they expect that much for the one sentence long letter?

Writing in nearly illegible cursive on stationery bearing his initials, The Catcher In The Rye author penned the letter to his maid. Autographed Salinger items are considered exceedingly rare, but $50,000 rare? Salinger was so guarded about his personal life that he filed a suit to block the publication of a biography based in part on his private letters. He also did not own a telephone and shunned contact with his fans.

The full letter dated March 12, 1989 reads, "Dear Mary -- Please make sure all the errands are done before you go on vacation, as I do not want to be bothered with insignificant things. Thank you. J.D. Salinger".

Only an asshole would spend that kind of money for this letter.

King Queen

Google's doodle yesterday linked to this tribute to Freddie Mercury on what would have been his 65th birthday.

A Star Is Forever

This joke never gets old to me, and will never die...unlike her.


This was some of her best work.

She Was A National Treasure

Millions Now Living Will Never Die

If current life expectancy trends continue, more than half of babies born in "rich nations" since 2000 will live to 100 years of age, and they'll have less disability than elderly people in previous generations. Suck it, modern day old folks!

That's the conclusion of researchers (the age, not the sucking it) who found that increases in life expectancy evident in rich nations since 1840 show no signs of slowing.

"The linear increase in record life expectancy for more than 165 years does not suggest a looming limit to human lifespan. If life expectancy were approaching a limit, some deceleration of progress would probably occur. Continued progress in the longest living populations suggests that we are not close to a limit, and further rise in life expectancy seems likely." Yep, that's an official quote.

During the 20th century, huge increases in life expectancy (30 years or more) occurred in developed nations. Even if health conditions don't improve, 75% of babies born in rich nations since 2000 can expect to live to 75, the researchers concluded. Their analysis from more than 30 developed countries revealed that death rates among people older than 80 are still falling. In 1950, the likelihood of survival from age 80 to 90 was about 16% for women and 12% for men, but that more than doubled (37% and 25%) in 2002.

And if you want to outlive any ills or disease, don't get cryogenic treatment.

The frozen head of late baseball legend Ted Williams was severely abused, according to an excerpt from the upcoming book, Frozen. The story chronicles the remains of the late Red Sox slugger in the Alcor Life Extension Foundation, a cryogenic facility in Arizona. And I would believe that it's true, since the book’s author is a former Alcor executive.

Larry Johnson, tells how Williams’ corpse became “Alcorian A-1949″ at the facility, where bodies are kept suspended in liquid nitrogen in case future generations learn how to revive them. Yes, learn. Johnson writes that in July 2002, shortly after the Red Sox slugger died at age 83, technicians with no medical certification gleefully photographed and used crude equipment to decapitate the majors’ last .400 hitter. Williams’ severed head was then frozen, and even used for batting practice by a technician trying to dislodge it from a tuna fish can.

He also adds that holes were drilled in Williams’ severed head for the insertion of microphones, then frozen in liquid nitrogen while Alcor employees recorded the sounds of Williams’ brain cracking 16 times as temperatures dropped to -321 degrees Fahrenheit. I have no idea why they'd do that, but I would like to hear those sounds.

Now, back to that tuna can...the head was balanced on an empty can of Bumble Bee tuna to keep it from sticking to the bottom of its case. Johnson describes watching as another Alcor employee removing Williams’ head from the freezer with a stick, and tried to dislodge the tuna can by swinging at it with a monkey wrench. The technician (no .406 hitter like the baseball legend) missed the can with several swings of the wrench and smacked Williams’ head directly, spraying “tiny pieces of frozen head” around the room.

Gruesome. The Williams estate paid $120,000 for Ted’s body to be “suspended.” I wonder how much they'll be asking for in the lawsuit. The story continues as Johnson is scheduled to appear on ABC’s “Nightline” this Tuesday.

Just Like Jackie O's Rifle Pendant

Because baseball is pretty much dead to me as a sport, I am glad that With Leather will keep their eyes peeled and sound the alarm when something of mention happens...like thus:

There apparently has been some clamoring about how the Los Angeles California Angels of Anaheim United States North America Earth incorporated the jersey of their late pitcher Nick Adenhart into their champagne-soaked celebration of their AL West title. The jersey of Adenhart -- who was killed in a hit-and-run by a driver under the influence earlier in the season, was soaked in champagne and alcohol during the celebration, which angered a lot of people hoping to see laundry treated more humanely. The Angels defended themselves yesterday.

“We wanted to celebrate with him like he was here,” reliever Kevin Jepsen, whose locker is just a few stalls away from Adenhart’s, said Tuesday. “If he was still here with us, we’d be pouring beer on him just like everybody else in here.

Said third baseman Chone Figgins: “He’s our teammate. We’re allowed to do what we want.”

Manager Mike Scioscia said the gesture was meant as nothing more than homage to the 22-year-old…”You have to understand these players and the tribute, what it really means when you pour champagne on somebody,” Scioscia said. “That’s the tribute, not the fact that it was alcohol. It’s like getting a whipped-cream pie in the face after an interview. It’s part of the tribute. . . . I think it was very sincere, very real and I know it was meaningful to us.”

The dearth of convictions of “Driving While Pie-Faced” notwithstanding, I’ve never found it appropriate to judge other people’s reactions on how they handle death. Some people want to cry, some people get angry. Others just want to climb back on while the body’s still warm and “pay their final respects.” Pay them all over her chest and face. But that’s why America loves baseball, right?

A Proper Tribute

Was just too broken up the other day to go hunting for gems like this.

Peacemonger

Scartoe showed us this last night...very cool.

Ich Do Think So This Weekend

Best of the week: I recently watched a few episodes of Da Ali G Show that aired about six years ago, and they're still hilarious. Scarlett and I are going to Brüno tonight, and while she knows the Borat movie, she had to see the genesis for the characters and the show. The film is enjoying fairly positive reviews and could be one of the highest grossing openings for a comedy if the midnight show tracking holds. Brüno has been everywhere lately, and while there's been a lot of hype, his appearances and publicity have been pretty comical.

I was thinking about some of the comedic shows over the last decade that will hold up in the years to come, and there's not a lot - but those who do are genius. Mr. Show. Upright Citizen's Brigade. Arrested Development. It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia. They are groundbreaking and in a league of their own. South Park does deserve mention, but it's kinda in it's own category, especially because the animation aspect allows them more latitude. Even the worst five minutes of those programs is funnier than any whole season of Two And A Half Men.

Worst of the week: OMG!

In the world of the useless, this site has quickly risen to the top. Once a knock off of the People / Star / Us online sites with a curiously similar logo to an established celeb gossip page, just this week it's been cited as the king of entertainment news sites. In May, with it's hits alone it generated close to $3.2 million in ad revenue. And for what? Here's the type of drivel you'll find there:

Daniel Radcliffe Now Open To Dating Girls His Own Age
Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince star Daniel Radcliffe says he's now open to dating girls closer to his own age - and he's excited about all his new romantic prospects.

"I've been out with a couple of women who have been older than me," Daniel told People at Tuesday's world premiere of the next "Potter" movie. "I think it's the maturity thing more than anything else, but that was when I was younger - girls my age are now mature, so it's great."

And the young star appears to be thrilled with his newly realized potential dating field. Adding, "I've widened the field!"

Daniel's co-star, Jessie Cave, who plays Lavender Brown in "The Half-Blood Prince," said his love of the written word could be an endearing quality when it comes to dating.

"Daniel loves poetry, it's definitely a passion of his," she told the mag, "and I think he would suit that sort of poet lifestyle, he's very dramatic and witty and very, very clever."

What's missing? Some key ingredient that could give the story any relevance? Did you figure it out yet? How about...WHAT HIS FUCKING AGE? And what have we learned without that? Nothing. It is just like the terrible LA Daily News, which Famous Mom similarly pointed out that there was an article about a great restaurant in the Valley, and after all the praise and testimonials about the place, they left out the simple yet most important detail - the goddamn address.

Then there's this awful nugget:

Fate Of Fans' Flowers, Cards For Jackson Undecided
Since Michael Jackson died June 25, fans from around the world have expressed their grief in flowers, balloons, teddy bears, candles, pictures and handwritten notes left throughout the city at his rented Holmby Hills mansion, at the Jackson family home in Encino, at his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and at his Neverland Ranch in Santa Barbara County.

Now that the King of Pop has been memorialized publicly and privately, some say it's time to start clearing the mementos away. The family has yet to decide what to do with the keepsakes.

Just as the sun was rising, city workers began packing up flowers, cards and gifts left on Jackson's star on Hollywood Boulevard. By afternoon, they had filled five boxes, which they delivered to the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce for safe keeping. Chamber spokeswoman Ana Martinez-Holler said she has never seen so many mementos left for a fallen star. "This has never happened at this magnitude," she said. "We didn't want to throw things away. This was a tribute paid to Michael by his fans. We just want to know if the family wants them and we're hoping to hear back from them soon."

Fans continued to contribute to the makeshift memorials outside the family compound and Neverland Ranch on Wednesday. Sandra Darvish, 42, was moved by Tuesday's televised memorial to pay respects in person at the family's home. As she left a bouquet of tulips, the official export from her homeland of Holland, Darvish said she wasn't always a Jackson fan. "But after yesterday, I sort of understood the family," she said. "It was very touching." While she and others added to the collection of flowers, balloons, posters and flags from around the world in front of the home, a groundskeeper piled up the mementos to give to the family. Dead flowers peeked out from one of eight black plastic trash bags sitting nearby.

Anjanette Butler, who went to Encino from Ventura, said she hoped the family would keep fans' cards and letters for Jackson's children. "Maybe they can show it to the kids to show how much everyone loved Michael," the 32-year-old Butler said. "It was their father, not this whole icon." Sisters Tanya and Yolanda Vasquez, who left a colorful bouquet of flowers, were sad to see the keepsakes being cleared. "They're taking them down and it's kind of upsetting," said Tonya Vasquez, 23. "I think we should still be able to leave stuff." Her 27-year-old sister suggested that the family might take the mementos to Neverland as part of a permanent display.

While I've excerpted it, know that somebody was paid to, and wrote 658 words about the plants and junk that folks left behind for Michael Jackson. I have to think the same unemployed lunatics - and that's what they have to be if they are taking day trips to the various addresses Jackson lived - are the prime audience for this presentation of a non-story. The three sentences I highlighted there can be condensed into one line that could be inserted into any story about Jackson - "Shit is still amassing from overzealous fans, who have little regard beyond the self-important scope of their actions, as officials have no idea if even the family wants any of the crap." The end.

Their "we just like to tell the happy view on what's going on in the entertainment world" perspective is a plastic, glossy load of shit. And that is which isn't important enough to merit a chiliad of words is uselessly presented in galleries. Do you even care to see a picture of Tori Spelling getting a cheeseburger? Not even if it was a specialty sex act in Amsterdam. The only half interesting thing about any of it is the accidental humor dark bastards like me attach.

Fuck that website. With Samantha Ronson's nasty dick.

Runner Up: Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Texas)

Hoping to ingratiate herself further with the Jackson family and harness public adulation from his death, Lee managed to get a spot at the Jackson Memorial Circus and was waiving a framed copy of her congressional resolution honoring the entertainer on stage.

Thankfully, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi shut the door to the resolution because debate on the symbolic measure could raise "contrary views" about the pop star's life. Also, it's a huge waste of time. Surely you all recall from your civics classes that lawmakers are free to use House speeches "to express their sympathy or their praise any time that they wish," but are there not more important things to deal with?

Even before Pelosi's comments, some Democrats said privately they did not support the resolution and a divisive debate would hurt House efforts to muster the votes for priorities such as health care and climate change. Rep. Peter King (R-N.Y.), who posted a video on YouTube calling Michael Jackson a "pervert" and a "pedophile," has pledged to do all he could to block the resolution.

Unbowed (which means stubbornly), Lee said she will seek support from colleagues. Whichever ones want to tarnish their careers. When members of the Congressional Black Caucus held a moment of silence in the House after Jackson died June 25, some lawmakers walked out of the chamber. Lee has pledged that the resolution, before the House Foreign Affairs Committee where she is a member, would come to the full House for debate. Good thing it wasn't a campaign promise, because she'll be waiting a long time to see that one hit the floor. And yes, that's the same House Foreign Affairs Committee which should be focusing on little things like the coup in Honduras, the nuclear escalation of North Korea, the Taliban in Afghanistan, Iranian "elections", and the American pulloutback in Iraq . And apparently, honoring Michael Jackson.

Hung Fu

Unlike him, the David Carradine story won't die. First, The New York Post and their brilliant story on the real killer!

A secret sect of kung fu assassins could have silenced actor David Carradine as he delved into their shadowy activities, according to his family’s lawyer, Mark Geragos. He suggested that Carradine may have been killed as he tried to uncover groups working in the martial-arts underworld. The lawyer said the actor’s family refuses to believe he died in a sadomasochistic sex stunt gone wrong — despite his being found naked with a rope tied around his neck, wrists and genitals.

The bizarre (read: retarded) claim was made on “Larry King Live” last Friday after a panel member said, “David was very interested in investigating and disclosing secret societies.” “What that means is connected to martial arts and his interest in martial arts,” he continued. “And so there is a suspicion that if there was some foul play, that that may be the first area where they should look.”

Sure...but just in case that angle doesn't pan out, there's other famous folks who didn't know when to release, so Carradine's family can not be as embarrassed.

• In 1791, composer Frantisek Kotzwara was the first recorded death by erotic asphyxiation. He was strangled with a rope during sex with a prostitute. The hooker -- who claimed Kotzwara opted for EA only after she refused to cut off his testicles -- was acquitted of his murder.

• After strangling her lover to death in a mutual sex game, Sada Abe caused a sensation in 1936 Japan after being arrested with his genitals in her handbag. She served five years in prison, and we have no idea if it was a Hello Kitty handbag.

• Underground comic-strip artist Vaughn Bodé in 1975 either died in a motorcycle accident or of erotic asphyxiation, depending on whom you ask. We prefer to think he was attempting erotic asphyxiation while riding his motorcycle.

• Michael Hutchence, the Morrison-esque frontman of INXS, remains the poster boy for auto-erotic asphyxiation gone terribly wrong, although his 1997 passing is still officially listed as a suicide.

• In 1994, British MP Stephen Milligan delighted the Fleet Street tabloids by being found dead of suspected erotic asphyxiation combined with self-bondage.

• In 2004, British National Party member Kristian Etchells also accidentally offed himself via EA. This is why the English laugh at our silly political sex scandals involving oral sex and wide stances.

Killed Bill, Vol 2

What was my snide joke in comparision to the dead INXS singer seems to be the truth, as noted by WWTDD, and they don't fib!

When the news first broke that David Carradine was found dead, hanging from a closet in a hotel in Bangkok, the BBC was the first to suggest that his death was the result of autoerotic asphyxiation. The second paragraph of their original article said…

Thai police told the BBC the 72-year-old was found naked by a hotel maid in a wardrobe with a cord around his neck and genitals.

“Genitals” was later changed to “other parts of his body.” But now TMZ says a rep for Carradine is officially calling the death “accidental.”

Carradine’s body was found nude, hanging in a closet. David’s rep added, “We can confirm 100% that he never would have committed suicide. It was an accidental death. Everybody is in shock.”

Well, if he was hanging, and it wasn’t suicide, and he wasn’t in Mike Tysons playroom with it’s tentacle-like treadmill chords, and he wasn’t fighting Bruce Willis on a stairwell, that pretty much leaves jacking off. At best. At worst he was with some whores. Although that sounds pretty cool too. His penis died while exotic ladies strung him up with ropes. His penis was like Indiana Jones.

Fear And Gaming

Best. Board Game. Ever. Playing is winning.

Birthday Deathday Anniversary

Happy 15 year anniversary of the day Kurt Cobain was found dead from a makeout session with a shotgun. Sure, he'd been laying there for a few days, but nobody remembers where they were and what they were doing three days before they found out he died, now do they? Nirvana was one hell of a band. Take another listen to some of those tunes if you think that shit they play on the radio today is any good.

Newsday...Now!

What's happening? Here you go...

NAACP Says Bank Giants Steered Blacks To Bad Loans - N-Double-A-C-Please! Was that before or after the CIA introduced crack into the ghetto?

Obsessed Joker Fan Gunned Down By Police - Why so serious?

Can Marijuana Help Rescue California's Economy? - I don't know, but it's sure helping those effected by it.

The GOP's Little Superstar - If a 14-year old is the counterbalance to Rush Limbaugh, then the Republicans are officially pathetic and fucked. I have clothing older and wiser than you, and if you're not old enough to shave, your opinion is irrelevant.

Musicians' Brains Tuned to Emotions in Sound - Which explains why hearing Good Charlotte instantly makes me what to kill myself.

Bebe Winans arrested for domestic assault - Somebody you never heard of beat some dude up.

10 Drink Windshield Wiper Fluid At Ark. Day Care - Gosh, they grow up so fast! They'll be regular members of their community in no time!

Man Builds 747 Flight Simulator in His Warehouse, Earns Guinness Record - When a sex dungeon isn't enough, and World of Warcraft seams too boring...

Anna Nicole Smith's boyfriend, doctors charged - You mean to say you can't keep D-listers constantly doped up while you use them as your own personal money printing machine?

Twitter Paid $6 Or Less For Crowdsourced 'Birdie' Graphic - Proving you can still get ripped off even in this economy.

Still Can't Put It Out Of My Head

Bye Bye Bettie

I said that I would...

Strictly Commercial

This award winning commercial for Luden’s cough drops featuring sound work by the one and only Frank Zappa. That's cool as shit. And the voice-over at the end makes it many times stranger than it would be on its own.

Long Dragon

Bruce Lee is getting a belated hero's welcome in China, with the country's state broadcaster set to air a 50 part prime-time series on the late kung fu star. What, is it his life in real time?

Lee became a chest-thumping source of nationalistic pride to Chinese around the world with his characters even though the influence wasn't felt immediately in China, which was then a closed communist country. Lee's films started surfacing in China on video in the 1980s — years after his death in 1973 from swelling of the brain.

China Central Television is producing the exhaustive $7.3 million biography, "The Legend of Bruce Lee" — the country's first movie or TV series on the actor. Shot in China, Hong Kong, Macau, the U.S., Italy and Thailand over nine months, the series, starts this weekend and will air daily on the CCTV's flagship channel, with two episodes airing consecutively every night in a two-hour slot.

Unlike past films about Lee, it is unusually detailed in tracing Lee's life, from his teenage years in Hong Kong to his move to the U.S., where he studied and taught martial arts, to his movie career and early death at 32. "We've only seen the glorious side of Bruce Lee — he comes out all guns blazing, his films are entertaining. But very few people know what injuries he suffered and what grievances he suffered." They note the series even reveals that Lee was afraid of cockroaches. Danny Chan, best known for his work in Kung Fu Hustle and Shaolin Soccer, has an uncanny resemblance to Lee with his thick eyebrows and slender body and plays the dead icon.

In an apparent effort to boost racial pride, the series was originally scheduled to be aired before the Beijing Olympics in August, but was pushed back in keeping with the period of mourning for the deadly earthquake in China's central Sichuan province in May, which killed 70,000 people. Because kung-fu and natural disasters don't mix, buddy.

Evil Evel

Evel Knievel never denied his scrapes with the law — in fact the motorcycle daredevil often reveled in them, but even he objected to a 1970s FBI investigation of whether he was involved in a string of beatings, according to newly released files. These types of FBI files are available to the public after the death of their subjects.

Apparently, the federal government came close to charging Knievel, who in turn threatened to sue the FBI for alleging he was connected to a crime syndicate, yet neither followed through.

Knievel, who died jumped the great bus in the sky last year, repeatedly denied his involvement to both investigators and victims. Immortalized in the Smithsonian as "America's Legendary Daredevil" in his red, white and blue outfits, he had a knack for outrageous yarns and claimed to have been a swindler, a card thief, a safe cracker and a holdup man.

His most well-known run-in with the law was a 1977 attack on movie studio executive Shelly Saltman, whom the daredevil beat with a baseball bat in the parking lot of 20th Century Fox. Saltman promoted Knievel's infamous attempt to jump Idaho's Snake River Canyon and then wrote a book about the experience, angering Knievel by portraying him as "an alcoholic, a pill addict, an anti-Semite and an immoral person." Knievel was sentenced to six months in jail and Saltman won a $12.75 million judgment, but never collected. Saltman did not return a phone message recently to discuss the FBI file.

Knievel's file shows investigators believed he was involved with other violent acts — an attack in a Kansas City hotel room and a vicious beating in San Francisco. All were allegedly carried out by Knievel associates, according to subjects quoted in the file. Authorities also looked into an alleged threat made in Phoenix, but could find no information for the case. The investigation bounced between field offices in Miami, Chicago and California as Knievel's business associates were interviewed and his phone records examined.

Authorities first wanted to charge Knievel with violations of the Hobbs Act, which prohibits interfering with interstate commerce by attempting to rob or extort someone. But the case was dropped when a new federal prosecutor picked up the case and decided there was insufficient evidence. The daredevil's widow, Krystal Kennedy-Knievel, said she was unaware of any FBI investigation involving her husband and declined further comment.

Not all of Knievel's altercations were detailed by the FBI. Bob Gill, a competitor of Knievel's during the 1970s, said he was part of a confrontation associated with Knievel, but the daredevil later apologized and denied his involvement and the two became friends. Gill was not interviewed by the FBI, but said his run-in mirrored others described in the file and declined to elaborate. "I was really, really mad at Evel over the whole thing, but he apologized at least 10 times, and said it was out of his control and I believed him," Gill said.

Isn't it interesting to find out our entertainers, heroes, and iconic personalities may have a darker side? Anybody else spring to mind?

In Advance

Amy Winehouse is some kind of crypt-dwelling, undead fiend, I'm certain. Let's just write her obit now so we don't waste time when it happens in a few weeks. The singer demon junkie is just taunting us - we, the living. I can see if you call Pink Dot for a 6-pack and some beef jerky, but what monster needs fresh blood?

As for Brittanica, we need to give her that Mother Of The Year Award right away. Though I'm all for timing it with Mother's Day, May's another 10 months off, and she really ought to get it before she puts one of those retard kids in a microwave to dry off or chokes to death on a funyun.