National Post writer Bonnie Allen found Liberians wearing Toronto Maple Leafs, Montreal Canadiens, Chicago Blackhawks and other NHL jerseys being bought, sold and worn by the citizenry. Sure, they added teams in Florida, but this isn't the next stage of expansion.By placing an order via this Web site on the first day of the fourth month of the year 2010 Anno Domini, you agree to grant Us a non transferable option to claim, for now and for ever more, your immortal soul. Should We wish to exercise this option, you agree to surrender your immortal soul, and any claim you may have on it, within 5 (five) working days of receiving written notification from gamesation.co.uk or one of its duly authorised minions....we reserve the right to serve such notice in 6 (six) foot high letters of fire, however we can accept no liability for any loss or damage caused by such an act. If you a) do not believe you have an immortal soul, b) have already given it to another party, or c) do not wish to grant Us such a license, please click the link below to nullify this sub-clause and proceed with your transaction."
Best bonus links:
• Hugh Hefner Says Tiger And Jesse James Are Creeps - If an 84-year-old pussy-monger with decades of sexual affairs with multiple girlfriends thinks you're a scumbag, I think the odds are he's right.
• Japanese Toilet Horror - I automatically have to post anything that has a combination of the words 'toilet', 'Japanese', and 'horror'.
• F1 Keen On Russia, New York - Who knows how they'll pull off a street circuit in the Big Crapple, but that'll be easier to get to than Montreal (no customs agents searching my shampoo for narcotics).
• HBO's New Drama 'Treme' Renewed For 2nd Season - That's how good it is after airing only one show. Guess I need to start watching it...after I finish five seasons of The Wire.
• Lethal Injection Or Firing Squad: Death Row Inmate In A Bind - what a shitty pair of choices. Wonder what Bing has to say on that...it is billed as a decision making engine.
• Judge: National Day Of Prayer Is Unconstitutional - Fortunately, National Day Of Pizza is still legal. Hooray!
• Former NYT Reporter Sleeps On Street, Eats Out Of Garbage Cans - It's all part of his new series of reports titled "I fucked my life up and will be dying like a pauper soon".
• The Diarrhea Defense - If you're claiming diarrhea as a defense for anything, you get a link here.
• Site Posts Pics Of Chicken-Eating Times Reviewer - And no, it does not have anything to do with either of the above links.
• JWoww Wishes She Could Get Implants Every Year - As do I.
• Bishop Convicted For Denying Holocaust - Amazing how church members can pretend something that effected millions never happened. Oh wait, they can...
• Evander Kane KO's Cooke, Becomes Beloved In Boston - Even if you don't know the back story, it's an awesome clip to watch.
• Escaped Inmates Dress As Sheep - Suck on that, Shawshank Redemption!
• Copying Is Not Theft, Now With Studio-Recorded Audio! - This may or may not be legally sound in court, but it's unflappable logic to me.
• Foes Of Tea Party Movement To Infiltrate Rallies - A nice take on keeping your friends close and your enemies closer. Though making them look like bigger asses than they already are will be hard.
• Man Dies While Waiting In Line To Buy World Cup Tickets - And normally that would suggest it was a long line. But as a consolation, the seats he would have had were not that good anyway.
• Important Breaking News: Big Tits Zombie 3D - That is important! It's like the perfect storm of all that is hot in film and culture today. It will probably bring about the end of the universe.
Worst of the week: Clearly Mike Huckabee is not seriously considering a presidential bid for the Republicans in 2012. Why else would you say the effort to allow gays and lesbians to marry is comparable to legalizing incest, polygamy and drug use. He also told college journalists last week that gay couples should not be permitted to adopt. "Children are not puppies," he said. Jesus, you prick - gays can't even have pets?
The former Arkansas governor visited the obscure College of New Jersey in Ewing to speak to the Student Government Association. He also was interviewed by a campus news magazine, The Perspective, which published an article two days later. Dumbfuckabee, which he will be henceforth referred to as, told the interviewer that not every group's interests deserve to be accommodated, if their lifestyle is outside of what he called "the ideal."
"That would be like saying, well there's there are a lot of people who like to use drugs so let's go ahead and accommodate those who want to use drugs. There are some people who believe in incest, so we should accommodate them. There are people who believe in polygamy, should we accommodate them?" he said, according to a transcript of the interview. Guess he'll be left of Mitt Romney's Xmas list.
"Why do you get to choose that two men are OK but one man and three women aren't OK?" he asked. Uh, the answer is that polygamy is illegal, and people en masse are not trying to change that law, whereas folks nationwide have voted to legalise gay marriage. You ought to know that if you're really thinking about being a leader.
Huckabee added that his goal isn't to tell others how to live, but that the burden of proving that a gay marriage can be successful rests with the activists in favor of changing the law. "I don't have to prove that marriage is a man and a woman in a relationship for life," he said. "They have to prove that two men can have an equally definable relationship called marriage, and somehow that that can mean the same thing." And once again, I'll have to refer him to the previous statements and voting records of places like Connecticut, Washington DC, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, Maine, Massachusetts, Vermont, Iowa, Wisconsin, Oregon, Washington, California, and Nevada.
Dumbfuckabee's archaic point of view is equally old. In response to a 1992 questionnaire from The Associated Press, the then Senatorial candidate spelled out his opposition to homosexuality, saying it was crucial that the country not "legitimize immorality". "I feel homosexuality is an aberrant, unnatural, and sinful lifestyle," he wrote, in response to a question about gays in the military. He also advocated isolating AIDS patients from the general public, saying it was necessary to confine "carriers of this plague."
I haven't seen this kind of political suicide since R. Budd Dwyer...
Plus: Kathy Griffin is going to be promoting pap smears, which is fine...except she's going to be doing it poolside at the Palomar Hotel, just down the street here from me in Los Angeles. And worse than seeing her 46-year old crotchhole is the info that she's getting her vagina vagazzled. Cue the blockquoted press release.
On Friday, April 16th, she will receive this important test in hopes that every woman will see how easy it is to get this done. She will receive this test poolside at the Palomar Hotel, by a veteran medical physician at 12pm. This is will be taped for her hit reality show "My Life On The D- List." Kathy feels that this cause is so important that she has bedazzled her "va-jay-jay," so it can be as 'va-beautiful' as it 'va-can.'
Kathy's goal is to get the word out about women's health. She wants to say "Suck it to Cancer" and educate women all across the world about keeping their bodies healthy and of course inform them about when they should be getting their check-ups.
I'm all for preventing cancer, but Kathy Griffin's live pap smear is not the solution. Especially as fodder for her crappy show. The only way I'd ever want to look at her vagina is if it was vagazzled with Isla Fisher's vagina.
Also: Perspective future bachelors - you don't get to keep your assets just because you file for divorce first.
Larry King filed his paperwork shortly before his seventh wife also sought to end the couple's nearly 13-year-old marriage. The 76-year-old host of his namesake CNN program made the move hours before Shawn King filed her own petition. Both cited "irreconcilable differences." The couple were married in a hospital room in 1997 three days before Larry King underwent surgery to clear a clogged blood vessel. They have two sons, ages 11 and 9. The petitions differ in that Larry King is seeking joint custody, while his 50-year-old wife wants physical custody.
But the kicker is that Larry King is also asking a judge not to award his wife any spousal support and to invalidate an agreement in which he transferred property to her. And this matters because Larry never signed a prenup. And in California, earnings accumulated during a marriage are split 50/50, and King’s net worth is reportedly estimated at $144 million.
As teh story goes, several years ago Shawn accused Larry of having an affair with her sister, Shannon Engemann. Shawn threatened to leak the story to the media unless Larry signed a document giving up his interest in their Beverly Hills estate, along with two other homes in Utah. Larry took the document to his attorney, who ordered him not to sign it. Larry then went to Shawn’s lawyer, and that attorney eventually gave Larry the green light to sign the agreement. Well of course her attorney did!
Having been married all those other times, I think he should have figured it out. But now he deserves the shithole he's dug himself. With the other exes and payments he's making, he'll need to work another 54 years before he can retire.
And: Children's author K.P. Bath has pleaded guilty to possessing child pornography. His name even sounds creepy, but wait until you get a look at his picture.
The 51-year-old author of "The Secret of Castle Cant" is expected to spend six or seven years in prison. I'm sure he'll have some wonderful secrets from that adventure! The Portland resident was arrested last April after federal agents discovered thousands of sexually graphic images and more than 125 videos on Bath's computer and thumb drives. I understand politicians being liars, and Wall Street bankers being fradulent, but children's authors as pedophiles just crosses a line.
Worst picture of the week:
Worst bonus links:
• A Mysterious Powder And A Miscarriage Prompt Investigation Of Restaurateur - It's not like he put something in the food at his eatery. He just rubbed a substance on his girlfriend to abort his unwanted pregnancy.
• Michelle 'Bombshell' McGee Apologizes To Sandra Bullock, Says She 'Would Do It Again' - Newsflash there, tattoohead...that's not an apology, because an intrinsic part of an apology is remorse. Nevermind, you can't teach an old Nazi new tricks.
• Zac Efron Headed For Life Of Crime In 'Snabba Cash' - It just sounds gay when you have Efron in the same sentence as 'Snabba' - whatever the fuck that is.
• Green Men Of Vancouver, Your Current Playoff MVPs - Perverting my beloved It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, especially against the Kings, makes me sad.
• Heidi Montag Is Writing a Bourne-Meets-Barbie Action Flick - It will be the first treatment done entirely in crayon. She's too stupid to function properly, sho whow is she going to pull this off?
• John Tesh Confirms: Oprah And I Dated - How did that giant head filled with nougat become the nubian queen of bland white dudes? First Roger Ebert and now Teshy? There wasn't any Hallie Berry back then, but what about Dihann Caroll or Shari Bellafonte or Rae Dawn Chong? It's further proof that her relationship with Stedman Graham is bogus - she isn't into black men (where are the one's who dated her?), and the only black action she likes is Gayle King.
• Twilight's Kellan Lutz: 'I'm A God' - No, you're a douche. You're in Twilight, and your name is Kellan Lutz. Kellan? Lutz? Uberdouche.
• Study: Cats And Dogs Are Household Hazards - Right up there with knives, outlets, and ill-constructed closet shelving. And none of those eat their own feces and then lick your face.
• Consumer Reports Calls Lexus GX 460 Unsafe - But it is the most luxurious and sleek sport SUV that you'll ever have the pleasure to possibly roll. And isn't that a risk of status you're willing to take?
• Demi Moore: 'Laughter And Smiling Are The Best Antidotes to Aging' - I thought last week we had this covered? You had more work done than the LA freeway system (and may actually be a better ride). Shut the fuck up!
• A 2nd Garbage Patch: Plastic Soup Seen In Atlantic - I thought there were more Garbage Pail Kids until I read a little closer. Now I'm not so jazzed...
• Charlie Sheen's Rep Denies Cheating, Explains Fake Mustache - I would take Sheen in a dead pool above Linsday Lohan if only he could be killed. He's like a drug and sex fueled Terminator. Though if the two of them hooked up...
• Police: NJ Teen Told Blacks To Leave Whole Foods - I thought trends started at upscale places like Whole Foods and then trickled down to Wal-Mart, not the other way around.
• Jenny McCarthy Blasts Steven Seagal - Take the attention off your break-up and your ill-imformed crusade against science to chime in on Steven Seagal's sleaziness. I hope it's just pre-fight hype for when they square off in an Akido match. I'm looking forward to his throat punch takedown of her.
• The People Demand A Ricky Martin Sex Tape - Which fucking people? Oh, the gay pron industry. Have they really run out of Latin men? Maybe Menudo can save the day.
• Tea Party Group Offers Refunds For Hannity No-Show - When blowhard Sean Hannity won't even show up for your extremist group rally, you may want to look at what you're doing. It came down to rebates to keep these fringe activists happy.
• Vatican To Bishops: Follow Law, Report Sex Abuse - Who says the Catholic Church isn't progressive? That's 21st century thinking right there! Because common sense can finally have it's place amongst dogma.
Best of the week: From mockbuster studio The Asylum and the writer of Snakes On A Train (yes, they're on a train), comes SyFy original movie Mega Piranha. The movie airs April 10th, but in the meantime you can satisfy your need for mega piranhas and former child stars (a double whammy of shitty awesomeness) with this clip.
Also: Revelation of the day - Mark Pellegrino, who’s most recognizable these days as Jacob on “Lost,” also played the Blond Treehorn Thug in The Big Lebowski. So if you’re a Hollywood casting agent and you need an actor who can forcibly dunk a guy in water, Pellegrino’s your man.
Best bonus links:
• Raising The Dead Was One Of Electricity's Earliest Goals - And when that failed, they decided that mood lighting was the next best thing. Thank corpses for your recessed illumination.
• Kings Rout Canucks Behind Brown's Hat Trick - A sweet game where everything went right for LA and nothing did for Vancouver. I was happy to lose my hat in this 8-3 beating. Hopefully a sign of playoff things to come.
• Google CEO's Compensation For 2009 Falls 52 Pct - At least some of the rich are not getting richer.
• Ban Lifted: Pilots Can Take Antidepressants On Job - I guess that's a good thing. You do not want your pilot to be depressed when you're coming in for a landing.
• Association With Jesse James Worries Neo-Nazis - It takes a lot to give the fourth reich a bad name.
• California's Foreign-Born Population Has Peaked - But second generation children of foreign born people is still going!
• True Blood's Anna Paquin: 'I'm Bisexual' - And now I'm watching True Blood.
• This Guy Could Kill You With A Business Card - Though he is still unemployed because this is his only talent. There's irony in there somewhere.
• Tourist Falls Into Active Volcano Crater On Bali - A vacation that became a slaycation. Now volcanic exploration is ruined for the rest of us.
• Hem Your Pants Prison Style - Next up, how to make a shank in under 20 minutes and safe showering techniques.
• TV Hospitals Not Real - What? And I totally thought this was standard practice at hospitals. Yes, a dog ate Dan's heart.
• Firefly Reboots, And Other April Fools’ Headlines We Wish Were Real / Top Shelf Announces 'League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen 1988' - Awww, if these really were true, it would rule.
• Lakers Sign Bryant To 3-Year Extension - I don't follow basketball, but I'm happy to see my home team keep their franchise intact.
• Make Me A Sandwich, Adobe - Because that's pretty much what the new Photoshop CS can do.
• Mumblecore For Hobos - I dare you to not want to watch after this synopses: Volleyball brought them together. A rape re-enactment tore them apart. Gayle Wells stars as a 60-year-old woman who had her ear bit off by a pony when she was a child, so now she wears a plastic elf ear to cover up the damage. Her lover died of alcohol poisoning on a volleyball court. Now she talks to her plants and tells them to cut down on their drinking. She meets and falls in love with the cop who found her lover rotting by the net, and then with her dead lover’s father. Unable to choose between them, she flips a coin…
• A Guide To Recognizing Your Fanboys: Periodic Table Of Nerdery – This ought to sort them out. And nothing is more embarassing than mixing up Stargate and Star Trek.
• Cops Worried About Lindsay Lohan - Though she's clearly not worried about the cops, as evidenced by her behavior over the last few years.
Worst of the week: Los Angeles Dodgers owner Frank McCourt and his estranged wife squared off in court in their bitter divorce case, where there's too much money being spent and demanded.
The court hearing centered on whether Jamie McCourt should be awarded nearly $1 million a month in temporary spousal support. Fuck and no. The attorney for Frank McCourt, offered her $150,000 in monthly assistance and argued his client can't tap credit lines to maintain Jamie McCourt's lavish lifestyle despite Frank McCourt's $5 million annual salary. Well, that's simple math - 12 million > 5 million.
Jamie McCourt's attorney said his client is entitled to the lifestyle she had during her marriage. He also said she has to spend about $568,000 every month on mortgages and related expenses for six homes and one condominium — more than half of what she is asking from her husband. When asked if Jamie McCourt would accept her husband's $150,000 offer, the figure wouldn't even cover the mortgage for one of the homes. He added the mortgages had been paid through February, but his client is behind on her attorney fees by $800,000. Wasser estimated her legal bills could reach as high as $9 million. Tough shit. Nobody needs seven residences.
Jamie McCourt estimated she has about $4 million in savings and roughly $450,000 in cash that will quickly run out due to the monthly mortgage payments. She believes she shouldn't have to "invade" her savings to pay for her living expenses. The assertion is Frank McCourt continues to live in luxury despite claims the economic downturn has hurt his businesses. He recently attended the Super Bowl and recently spent as much as $80,000 on a Caribbean vacation. She also cites a long list of other expenses she and her husband had during their marriage such as trips to Paris and Vietnam, country club memberships and dining at expensive restaurants. She said she enjoys wearing designer clothing and has a hair stylist and makeup artist.
Court documents she filed show that the couple's worth is more than $1.2 billion. Damn, that's a lot of money at stake, especially when accidents can happen so easily.
Plus: Nine alleged members of a Christian militia group that was girding for battle with the Antichrist were charged with plotting to kill a police officer and slaughter scores more by bombing the funeral — all in hopes of touching off an uprising against the U.S. government.
Seven men and one woman believed to be part of the Michigan-based Hutaree were arrested over the weekend in raids in Michigan, Indiana and Ohio, and another was still being sought. FBI agents moved quickly against Hutaree because its members were planning an attack sometime in April, prosecutors said. Authorities seized guns in the raids but would not say whether they found any explosives.
Prosecutors said the group began military-style training in the Michigan woods in 2008, learning how to shoot guns and make and set off bombs. FBI and police surrounded a rural area about 30 miles from the site of raid in Michigan and were using a nearby church as a staging area. Hutaree says on its website its name means "Christian warrior" and describes the word as part of a secret language that few are privileged to know. Sure. The group quotes several Bible passages and declares: "We believe that one day, as prophecy says, there will be an Anti-Christ. ... Jesus wanted us to be ready to defend ourselves using the sword and stay alive using equipment." Thanks, Jesus!
Also: A Lebanese man charged with sorcery and sentenced to death in Saudi Arabia is scheduled to be beheaded at the end of the week. The Middle East has their shit together!
May El Khansa, the attorney for Ali Hussain Sibat, told CNN that she and Sibat's family were informed about the upcoming execution. She said she heard from a source in Saudi Arabia with knowledge of the case and the proceedings that Saudi authorities "will carry out the execution." The Saudi Ministry of Justice could not immediately be reached for comment on the matter, presumably because they were planning for the execution.
El Khansa said she has appealed to Lebanon's prime minister, Saad Hariri, and president, Michel Suleiman, to stop the execution. Amnesty International, the human rights group, has called on Saudi Arabia's King Abdullah to block it as well. Sibat is the former host of a popular call-in show that aired on Beirut-based satellite TV channel "Sheherazade." According to his lawyer, Sibat would predict the future on his show and give out advice to his audience.
El Khansa told CNN her client was arrested by Saudi Arabia's religious police (known as the Mutawa'een) and charged with sorcery while visiting the country in May 2008. Sibat was in Saudi Arabia to perform the Islamic religious pilgrimage known as Umra. Sibat was then put on trial, and in November 2009, a court in the Saudi city of Medina found him guilty and sentenced him to death. According to El Khansa, Sibat appealed the verdict. The case was taken up by the Court of Appeal in the Saudi city of Mecca on the grounds that the initial verdict was "premature."
El Khansa tells CNN that the Mecca appeals court then sent the case back to the original court for reconsideration, stipulating that all charges made against Sibat needed to be verified and that he should be given a chance to repent. On March 10, judges in Medina upheld their initial verdict, meaning Sibat is once again sentenced to be executed. "The Medina court refused the sentence of the appeals court," said El Khansa, adding her client will appeal the verdict once more.
Give it another 20 years, and once that part of the world runs out of oil, this kind of silly shit will come to an end. But until then, no sorcery!
UPDATE: He's been given a stay of execution...for now.
And: In the latest media whore news, useless couple Heidi and Spencer Pratt added 10 seconds onto the fame meter by giving themselves Indian names Solely for attention, the decided to adopt "true native-American names" in an effort to become more spiritual. So goodbye Heidi and Spencer, hello White Wolf and Running Bear. They mean absolutely nothing, and of course, the natives are restless. “Continued stereotyping such as this by people ignorant of our traditional ways is very disrespectful and only hurts our efforts to curtail these stereotypes,” said a rep from the Rosebud Sioux Tribe of South Dakota. That, and the fact that they don't want to be associated with those assclowns.
Worst picture of the week:
always ruining everything
Worst bonus links:
• Which Of Your Lamborghinis Would You Like To Have In Your Living Room Today? - Does it really matter, you fucking jerk?
• Remains Found In Cambodia May Be Errol Flynn's Son - Finally, the mystery nobody cared about may be solved. You all remember who Errol Flynn was too, right?
• Levi Johnston: My Reality Show Will Be Better Than Palin's - Debating the merits of which shit smells worse is pointless. Let's jsut pray both are off the air quckly.
• Why Would Anyone Turn Down A Million Bucks? Ask This Guy - If that answer really matters. Some guy rejecting a payday doesn't require you to know why, just that he's $1 million less rich. A better question is about his grooming habits.
• Turn Any Food Into Gold - Because whatever you're eating can't be made better by spraying some golden compound on it.
• Chaz Bono Asks Judge To Change Name, Gender - If the judge didn't that would be awesome. Maybe they could force it to change back to whatever it was before...
• Medical Waste Shipments Turn Up Heads, Torsos - It's not like hot dogs, where you use those parts. That is waste, so let's not be surprised. Unless there's a puppet show looking for pieces.
• Katy Perry’s Wedding Dress To Show Her Abs - The pro is she's got a smokin' body. The con is having a wedding dress show your abs is something that only a retard would do.
• Elton John Stage At Mexico Ruins Partly Collapses - Not even the stage wanted Elton John to perform. And I like that the stage is in ruins at ruins.
• Vatican Offers 3 Reasons It's Not Liable For Abuse - They could offer 1000 and none of there would be any good. But they'll still keep shirking responsibility.
• Drunk Man Tried To Resuscitate Roadkill With CPR - How drunk do you have to be to go mouth to mouth with a possum? And if you drink that much, you should get a pass for DUI.
• April Fools! DWTS' Brooke Burke Is Not Pregnant - Hahaha, she's not really pregnant! Take that joke, barren women!
• Guyana Cops Look Into Teen's Death After Exorcism - The authorities need to get to the bottom of that exorcism and find out why it went wrong. But not why they're allowing exorcisms.
• Apple's First-Week iPad Supply Sells Out - Whoopie, another unnecessary new product for geeks to cream over, and pay far out the ass to have just to say they were the first. Yawn.
• Palin, Fox News, LL Cool J Tangle Over Phantom Interview - Sorry, you don't get to use a two year old interview and repurpose it for your propaganda without ruffling some feathers.
• Glam Slam Gorgeous 'Glee' Glow - This is a post about the application of make up that an actress wore. And they take it through step by boring step.
• Lady Gaga: “I Can Actually Mentally Give Myself An Orgasm” - Whereas she mentally gives me a headache. I call bullshit on this, not only because she's doesn't have a psychic connection to her coochie, but also it reeks of stupid sensationalism and attention-getting.
In both sessions. returning seven-times champion Michael Schumacher was trumped in the timesheets by Mercedes teammate Nico Rosberg though they were able to compete for the top places, unlike their early session where they finished eighth and 10th respectively. Lewis Hamilton was half a second off the top spot while teamate and reigning champion Jenson Button was 0.2s further back to complete a top four of Mercedes-powered cars.
According to a search warrant, marine mammal activists were served whale during three separate visits to the restaurant. Federal labs confirmed the meat came from a Sei whale, an endangered species protected by international treaties.Sean Penn has done tons of interviews lately to let people know that he doesn’t want attention for his charity work in Haiti, and to his credit he mostly talks about himself as part of a team. The only story that has come out about him specifically involved his rescue of two people from a collapsed building, a story with no evidence that it ever happened, or at least happened the way he said it did.
That part is kind of important because Penn has a history of exaggerating or just outright lying when reality doesn’t match his extremely high opinion of himself. That’s what he did after Katrina, and that might be what he’s doing with Haiti. I’ve now talked to two people who were both in Haiti as volunteers the same time Penn was, although he might not have noticed because it would be hard to see them from his gilded perch, high above all the real work being done.
After Penn did an interview with Anderson Cooper, CNN wrote, “Oscar-winning actor Sean Penn spent three weeks in Haiti following the January earthquake, living in a tent and witnessing first-hand the devastation.” According to one person I spoke to, this must mean he set up a tent in his Miami hotel room. “His camp tent had A/C, and he flew back every few days to Miami.”
When asked why he’s doing so much for Haiti, Penn told CBS… “…the first person served by service is the server … there’s no time that you’re over there, there’s not something to do to lend a hand.”
“Lend a hand” must mean “taunt people”…
“He took an old women from where I was working then said she couldn’t stay at his camp because it was “military” but he would show it to her, give her some blankets, then drop her off in a Haitian tent city. ASSHOLE. Why show someone something they can’t have.”Penn told Larry King about the camp he lives in: “When the deputy secretary of the Haitian mission Kim Bolduc came, it was declared the most dangerous camp in Haiti.” It must be dangerous because of the sandtraps and dogleg par 5.
“Him and his friends were staying on / right next to the US military base on top of the hill, in the rich areas. Technically, at a country club (with a golf course).” And if those troops need any backup, they’ll be happy to know that Penn was strapped. Just like he was in New Orleans. For some reason.
“He was also packing heat (or appeared to - he had the handle of a revolver sticking out one of his front pockets)” You can actually see the handle of his gun in the beginning of this CNN video. But as much as I’d love for this entire thing to point out what a dickhead he is, to be fair, both people I talked to stressed that all the people who aren’t Sean Penn are doing an excellent job.
“The people around him, though, were absolutely great. They were treating patients, day in, day out, seemed to be doing a really good job for all i could tell. And quite frankly, that’s what counts.”
That is what counts but it’s also offensive as hell that this delusional prick would go on TV again and again, likening himself to the real volunteers. Those people are down in the mud, in the piles of bodies, helping the sick and scared, and they only do it because they want to help. They don’t have air conditioning and armed guards. They don’t get weekends off. They’re not on TV being told how amazing they are, and they didn’t spend today in DC dining at a 5 star restaurant with Haiti picking up the bill. Those people are better than Penn. They’re not the same. They are selfless. He is a narcissistic dickhead who doesn’t do anything without turning the spotlight on himself. Speaking of which, did someone put a Handsome Potion in my exfoliating face wash or did I get even better looking over night? Or was it both? Oh I wish everyone could see this. I think it might be both.
The Blue Jackets PR staff was alerted by fans over Twitter of the trademark infringement, and passed the matter along to their legal department and then to the NHL. Delphine said he received a phone call from The Oregonian newspaper about misuse of the logo, followed by "30 consecutive emails" from around the country about it.
there's no reason for Katy Perry to be at the Oscars, but I'm glad she went
Best bonus links:
• Thrashers Recall 48-Year-Old D Chelios - It's nice to see Chelly get back up to the majors after spending most of the season under the radar in the AHL. Welcome back, Gramps. You've still got it.
• Light Drinking Might Help Keep Women Slim - And make me more attractive to them. Though I don't know how long they'll stay slim - gals who get a little of that social lube in them may end up on their backs more often than not, and you know where that leads...
• No .XXX Yet: Internet Agency Delays Porn Decision - They were too busy reviewing the websites that might get the .xxx suffix to make their recommendation. It was exhausting...and required cleaning after.
• Archaeologists Identify Oldest Part Of China’s Great Wall - It was at the bottom, for those who were wondering.
• Panel: Women Need Chance To Avoid Repeat C-Section - The panel also recommended women not getting pregnant as the best way to keep away from the need to cut a baby out of your stomach.
• Pro Football Hall Of Famer Merlin Olsen Dies At 69 - And the appropriate response would be to send an FTD condolence bouquet.
• Seal Meat To Be On Menu At Canadian Parliament - Will Louis Psihoyos be there? It must be cheaper than moose and more tasty than caribou. Or there's some Indian tribes who they need to get some votes from.
• Nurses' Union: Care Does Not Include Sex - But we shared that intimate moment where you changed my bedpan and gave me a sponge bath so I wouldn't get bed sores. After shaving my privates and the catheter, I think we're comfortable enough to admit I wasn't the only one who enjoyed it.
• U.S. Sitting On Mother Lode Of Rare Tech-Crucial Minerals - All I had to read was "light rare earths include the minerals ranging from lanthanum to gadolinium on the periodic table of elements, while heavy rare earths range from terbium to lutetium" to know it was true.
• Fishermen's Fear: Public's 'Right To Fish' Shifting Under Obama? - Once again, those Washington fat cats are getting in the way a man's chance to get his pole and sit over a hole.
• Court Upholds 'Under God' In Pledge Of Allegiance - Indivisible, apparently in jurisprudence circles.
• Appetite May Be Partly Linked To Germs In The Gut -But still overwhelmingly linked to the tapeworm that live there who hungers for bacon and doughnuts. Daryl, my little buddy, I won't let you starve.
• Heidi Montag Hires A Psychic As Manager - I see failure in your future. Same as in your past.
• The Void Between Protons and Electrons Makes Us All Phantoms - In a matter of speaking. But there is a lot of space between our atoms. Let's hope we don't have any free radicals and quarks getting inside us.
• Brazil's Silva Quits Smoking After 50 Years - And will be able to feel better about stopping cancer in it's tracks. Those tracks are an insterstate freeway after five decades.
• Chinese Zoo Blamed For Death Of 11 Siberian Tigers - To be technically correct, it was really the snack bar next to the tiger den. Or you can blame the teriyaki tiger beef bowl lunch special.
• Norway Doomsday Seed Vault Hits 1/2 Million Mark -Unfortunately, I don't think that any of those seeds are kind bud. Dude, if the world goes to shit, you're going to want some indica strains to go along with your mustard seed and corriander.
Worst of the week: Two of the oldest people in the world have died on the same day.
Mary Josephine Ray, who was certified as the oldest person living in the United States, died Sunday at age 114 years, 294 days. She died at a nursing home in Westmoreland but was active until about two weeks before her death, her granddaughter Katherine Ray said. So, what...the last two weeks she was just laying there dying?
"She just enjoyed life. She never thought of dying at all," Ray said. "She was planning for her birthday party." At 114, she should have maybe thought it was a possibility.
Ray died just hours before Daisey Bailey, who was 113 years, 342 days, said L. Stephen Coles, a director of the Gerontology Research Group, which tracks and studies old people and certifies those 110 or older, called supercentenarians. It's fascinating, but I'm against them tagging and tracking them. "It's very rare that two of our supercentenarians die on the same day," he said. No shit?
Bailey, who was born March 30, 1896, died in Detroit. At least le live a long life, because the minute you move to Detroit, you might as well die. She had suffered from dementia, said her family, surprising no one.
Ray, even with her recent decline, managed an interview with a reporter last week. She was the oldest person in the United States and the second-oldest in the world. Bailey was also recorded as the oldest person ever to live in New Hampshire, which I'm sure she tops by leaps and bounds.
Ray was born May 17, 1895, in Bloomfield, Prince Edward Island, Canada. She moved to the United States at age 3. Ray's husband, Walter, died in 1967. Survivors include two sons, eight grandchildren, 13 great-grandchildren and five great-great-grandchildren.
The oldest living American is now Neva Morris, of Ames, Iowa, at age 114 years, 216 days. The oldest person in the world is Japan's Kama Chinen at age 114 years, 301 days. Watch your back, Chinen!
Plus: Lindsay Lohan is a goddamn moron. The chronically unemployable failure is suing financial company E-Trade for $100 million for using her name in its latest commercial about a boyfriend-stealing "milkaholic" baby. Her first name. That millions of other people have.
In the ad, which debuted during this year's Super Bowl, a baby boy apologizes to his girlfriend for not calling her the night before. "And that milkaholic Lindsay wasn't over?" the baby girl asks before another baby girl pops into the screen saying, "Milk-a-whaaat?" And somehow, she thinks that applies to her.
"Many celebrities are known by one name only, and E-Trade is using that knowledge to profit," Lohan's lawyer, Stephanie Ovadia, said in a statement. "They're using her name as a parody of her life. Why didn't they use the name Susan? This is a subliminal message. Everybody's talking about it and saying it's Lindsay Lohan." No, you ambulance chaser, only you are. This is the only time anyone - ever - made that connection.
The spokesperson for Grey Group, which produced the "milkaholic" commercial, said that they "just used a popular baby name that happened to be the name of someone on the account team."
Also: 50-year mystery over the ‘cursed bread’ of Pont-Saint-Esprit, which left residents suffering hallucinations, has been solved after a writer discovered the US had spiked the bread with LSD as part of an experiment.
In 1951, a quiet, picturesque village in southern France was suddenly and mysteriously struck down with mass insanity and hallucinations. At least five people died, dozens were interned in asylums and hundreds afflicted. For decades it was assumed that the local bread had been unwittingly poisoned with a psychedelic mould. Now, however, an American investigative journalist has uncovered evidence suggesting the CIA peppered local food with the hallucinogenic drug LSD as part of a mind control experiment at the height of the Cold War.
On August 16, 1951, the inhabitants were suddenly racked with frightful hallucinations of terrifying beasts and fire. One man tried to drown himself, screaming that his belly was being eaten by snakes. An 11-year-old tried to strangle his grandmother. Another man shouted: “I am a plane”, before jumping out of a second-floor window, breaking his legs. He then got up and carried on for 50 yards. Another saw his heart escaping through his feet and begged a doctor to put it back. Many were taken to the local asylum in strait jackets. Time magazine wrote at the time: “Among the stricken, delirium rose: patients thrashed wildly on their beds, screaming that red flowers were blossoming from their bodies, that their heads had turned to molten lead.”
Eventually, it was determined that the best-known local baker had unwittingly contaminated his flour with ergot, a hallucinogenic mould that infects rye grain. Another theory was the bread had been poisoned with organic mercury. However, H P Albarelli Jr., an investigative journalist, claims the outbreak resulted from a covert experiment directed by the CIA and the US Army’s top-secret Special Operations Division (SOD) at Fort Detrick, Maryland. The scientists who produced both alternative explanations, he writes, worked for the Swiss-based Sandoz Pharmaceutical Company, which was then secretly supplying both the Army and CIA with LSD.
Albarelli came across CIA documents while investigating the suspicious suicide of Frank Olson, a biochemist working for the SOD who "fell" from a 13th floor window two years after the Cursed Bread incident. One note transcribes a conversation between a CIA agent and a Sandoz official who mentions the “secret of Pont-Saint-Esprit” and explains that it was not “at all” caused by mould but by diethylamide, the D in LSD.
And: "Due to the distractions to the educational process caused by recent events, the Itawamba County School District has decided not to host a prom Itawamba Agricultural High School this year. It is our hope that private citizens will organize an event for the juniors and seniors. However, at this time, we feel that it is in the best interest of the Itawamba County School District, after taking into consideration the education, safety and well being of our students, that the Itawamba County School District not host a junior/senior prom... We sincerely apologize for any inconvenience this causes anyone."
That's the response to whether or not a lesbian student could attend prom with her female date. Once again, the south proves it's anything but deep.
Worst picture of the week:
could have been the best of the week, except that fright mask from the neck up
Worst bonus links:
• Minority Births On Track To Outnumber White Births - Oh. Shit.
• Tom Delay: People Are Unemployed Because They Want To Be - And you're a fucking idiot because you want to be too. Should we be worried that this comes from somebody in our government, or that he's talking with the conviction that he think's he's speaking for Americans? Ask the unemployed what they think.
• AP News Break: California Murder Suspect Broke Parole - Especially the part about not killing anyone while on parole. Good thing AP news got to the bottom of that mental puzzle.
• Rocker Billy Corgan Rips Into John Mayer - You can deny rumors you're banging Jessica Simpson by not answering questions about it, but when you take on her blabbermouth ex, you're confirming it. Get back to making good music, not having a bitchfight with a douchebag.
• Hoped-For Drop In Childbirth Deaths Not Happening - I was actually hoping for a drop in childbirths - not like we need to overpopulate or anything. But taking out the source works just the same...
• State Sen. Roy Ashburn Says He's Homosexual - We covered his DUI arrest coming from a gay bar in last weekend's edition. And what do you know - the stanuch anti-gay politician was a self-loathing, closeted gay himself.
• God Helps With Personal Decisions, Most Americans Say - all you need to know about this is in the first sentance: Most Americans believe God is involved in their everyday lives and concerned with their personal well-being, though the well-educated and higher earners are less likely than their counterparts to believe in such divine intervention, a new study suggests.
• Harry Smith Colonoscopy To Air On `Early Show' / Samsung, Panasonic Start Selling 3-D TVs This Week - The timing is impecable.
• Georgia Man Who Posted 'Elton John Must Die' Arrested - I was totally unaware that posting a video of yourself on the interweb holding a sign that says "Elton John must die" is the same as making terroristic threats. America must be destroyed.
• Woman Sells Two Souls For $1,983 - Amazing that it didn't get yanked from eBay, since human souls normally don't meet the reserve.
• Justin Timberlake's Clothing Line Is Fur-Free - Sorry, but when you have a men's line, it better fucking be fur and pelt free. And the fact that you have fur-tinged goods, well...
• Vienna Boys Choir Admits Possible Sexual Abuses - Most of them occured when they were checking to see who was a soprano. I love they're willing to admit "possile" sexual abuses, as if they're not sure that molesting underage boys constitutes abuse.
• Palin Crossed Border For Canadian Health Care - Queen of the right-wing hypocrites. The more she keeps putting the spotlight on herself, the more different ways she finds to shut them off. That's the dim leading the dimming.
• Chief Exorcist Says The Devil Is In The Vatican, Blames Pedophilia Scandal On Satan - How totally convenient is it that your moral enemy is responsible for the misdeeds in your house? But it's hard to tell which is more ridiculous - that Satan is being blamed in all seriousness, or that they have a position for chief exorcist.
• Jessica Simpson: "I Don't Brush My Teeth!" - I think she's used up all of her hot girl karma. She films ear candling, yo-yos here weight, and now has a dirty mouth. Keep your nastiness to yourself. It's official, you're a pig Jessica Simpson.
• GOP Leader's Skinny-Dip Confession Stuns Utah - And more surprising was that it wasn't with any of his multiple wives. They ought to give him credit for taking off his magic Mormon golden underpants and not getting them wet.
• Authorities: No Illegal Drugs Found In Haim Case - Just like that stash of "non-illegal" drugs that took down Brittany Murphy. Then again, most people only think that illegal drugs are the only ones that get abused.
