Cash Is Lord King

If you're going to the Vatican, better bring your wads of cash, because credit cards and electronic payments are as unwelcome as the devil.

Deutsche Bank Italia (German bank of Italy?) pulled its authorization at the start of 2013, after providing the Vatican with electronic payment services for 15 years. Newspapers reported the bank took the action because the Vatican has not yet fully complied with European Union safeguards against money laundering. And we all know that the church has meticulous records open to public review of how much money they take in. Oh, wait...

For those who need to pay for museum tickets, souvenirs and other services in the tiny city-state, they're outta luck unless they can miraculously get their hands on cash.

FCCC-P?

File sharing is now ordained in Sweden.

Since 2010, Church of Kopimism, a group of self-confessed pirates, had been denied several times in their attempt to have their beliefs recognized as an official religion. The "Kopimists", who hold CTRL+C and CTRL+V as sacred symbols, finally got their approval, and hope their official status will remove the legal stigma that surrounds file-sharing.

Here's the loose timeline on the origin of the religion: In 2001, a lobby group called the Antipiratbyrån (the Anti-Piracy Bureau) was formed in Sweden to combat copyright infringement. By 2003, the free-information movement mockingly copied the lobby group’s name and removed the "anti", calling themselves Piratbyrån (the Piracy Bureau). Piratbyrån created The Pirate Bay site, which quickly became the world’s most notorious source for downloading feature films, TV shows, and software. Ibrahim Botani, a central figure in Piratbyrån, designed a kind of un-copyright logo called “kopimi” (pronounced “copy me”) in 2005. Adding the kopimi mark, as it were, to a work of intellectual property indicated that you not only give permission for it to be copied but actively encourage it.

When Botani died unexpectedly, in 2010, Piratbyrån decided to disband. The Pirate Bay is still thriving despite the ongoing criminal case against its operators, and there's even the Pirate Party, a political party with a pro-Internet platform with special emphasis on copyright and patent reform. Isak Gerson, a philosophy student and active Pirate Party member, was such a religious (pun intended) file-sharer, he founded The Missionary Church of Kopimism to protect his "sacred beliefs". And in the last six months their ranks have tripled to 3,000 devotees.

Ultimately, it may not separate church and state, but I'm all for a more tolerant P2P world of belief.

Did I Say The End Of The World?

So, how do you top a Rapture that never comes? Plan another one!

Harold Camping, the California preacher who prophesied the end of the world, only to see it not happen as scheduled last weekend, tried to save face by revising his end of the world date to October 21 of this year.  Bold words from a guy who himself may not make it until then.

Predicting that 200 million Christians would be taken to heaven last Saturday before a series of catastrophe struck the planet, apologized for not having the dates "worked out as accurately as I could have."  Maybe he ought to also check his count of Christians - 200 million sounds like far too many religious fanatics.  This isn't Islam! (zing!)

Camping acknowledged was a very difficult weekend, but that was mostly due to a lack of prune juice and itchy feet, which he had difficulty reaching, and not just his stone cold wrongness.  We'll give him a mulligan for blowing it in 1994 with his first attempt at salvation, but this time, you get no redemption.  You see, May 21 was really a "spiritual" Judgment Day, but the main even comes before Halloween, so don't bother putting together a costume.

Having previously spent millions of dollars - some of it from donations made by followers, on more than 5,000 billboards and 20 RVs plastered with the Judgment Day message, this time around, they're not hyping the the next letdown.  Since God's judgment and salvation were completed on Saturday, Camping says there's no point in continuing to warn people about it, so his network will now just play Christian music and programs until the final end. Why?  You're telling me God's taking a little break now that he saved all those folks and needs until October before he can shoot them up heaven's chimney on his electric chariot?

I actually hope this asshole lives long enough to see his bullshit called again.

Pissed Off

In 1987, Andres Serrano plunged a plastic crucifix into a glass of his own urine and photographed. "Piss Christ" was making a statement on the misuse of religion...and fanatical assholes destroyed it.

Controversy has always followed the work, but on on Palm Sunday it was attacked with hammers and destroyed after an "anti-blasphemy" campaign by French Catholic fundamentalists in Avignon. And I thought forgiveness was the Christian thing to do...

Serrano often defended his photograph as a "condemnation of those who abuse the teachings of Christ for their own ignoble ends" and criticism of the "billion-dollar Christ-for-profit industry". In 2007, it was vandalised in Australia, and a show of his was ransacked by neo-Nazis in Sweden. The photograph had been shown in France several times without incident, and was hanging for the last four months as part of art-dealer Yvon Lambert's personal collection. And two weeks ago a heavy wave of protest began.

Lambert complained of extremists who had sent him tens of thousands of complaint emails, which could be credited to Civitas, a lobby group that says it aims to re-Christianize France who launched an online petition and mobilised other fundamentalist groups. They also organised almost 1,000 Christian protesters, who marched through Avignon to the gallery. The gallery immediately stepped up security, putting plexiglass in front of the photograph and assigning two gallery guards to stand in front of it.

On Palm Sunday morning, four people in sunglasses entered the exhibition just after it opened at 11am. One took a hammer out of his sock and threatened the guards with it. A guard grabbed another man around the waist but within seconds the group managed to take a hammer to the plexiglass screen and slash the photograph. They also smashed another work, which showed the hands of a meditating nun.

The gallery director said it would reopen with the destroyed works on show "so people can see what barbarians can do". I'd rather they take a hammer and pick to the vandals, and put that on display, but at least they are not backing down from lunatics with religious tunnel-vision.

Silly Mayans, End Of Days Is This May

When you want 411 on when world ends, are you going to listen to some centuries dead culture, or a guy named Harold? (yeah, I've have said neither, too)

The popular date that idiots people who believe the world will end is 2012 doesn't mean much to Harold Camping. "That date has not one stitch of biblical authority." And he should know, because he runs Family Radio, an Oakland based evangelical station that reaches and preaches to idiots listeners around the world.

He says the real date for the end in 2011. Having scrutinized the Bible for almost 70 years, Camping (who is 88) says he has developed a mathematical system to interpret prophecies hidden within the Good Book. One night a few years ago, after crunching the numbers, he determined the world will end May 21, 2011. By Camping's understanding, the Bible was dictated by God and every word and number carries a spiritual significance. Building on that unsubstantiated claim, he noticed that particular numbers appeared in the Bible at the same time particular themes are discussed.

The number 5, Camping concluded, equals "atonement", while ten is "completeness" and seventeen means "heaven". So how's that give us a May terminus? "Christ hung on the cross April 1, 33 A.D. - now go to April 1 of 2011 A.D., and that's 1,978 years." Huh? Next, Camping multiplied 1,978 by 365.2422 days (the number of days in each solar year). Wait, why? Then, noting the the number of days between April 1 and May 21 is 51, he added that to the sum of previous multiplication total. So what do you get? 722,500! Clearly you too can see just like Camping that (5 x 10 x 17) x (5 x 10 x 17) = 722,500. Or in words, Atonement x Completeness x Heaven, squared.

Yeah, what a total load of bullshit. And it's not the first time Camping has made a bold predictions about Judgment Day. Back in September 1994, dozens of Camping's believers gathered to await the return of Christ, an event Camping had promised for two years. And guess what? Right, the world did not end, and Camping admitted that he may have made a mathematical error. Conveniently, he spent the next decade running new calculations as expanded his media company to 55 US stations and international broadcasts in 48 languages.

I have zero doubt the world will be around on May 22nd, but not so much that an 88 year old zealot will. That's one of the benefits to being old and crazy - wait long enough and it doesn't matter that you're completely wrong...but you'll still be dead.

A Very South Beach Hanukkah

Much like the "Free Parking for felons" promotion by the Oakland Raiders or the "At you get to see one good team play (the visiting one)" gimmick employed by the Los Angeles Clippers, you have to hand it to sports organizations who know how to market to their demographic.

In the spirit of my people's holiday - you know, the one that's not Christmas which starts tonight - enter the official Florida Panthers yarmulke, which will be handed out to all ticket buyers at their home game next Tuesday! Billed as "the biggest Hanukkah party in South Florida", Jews and gentiles alike can possess this...thing of near impossible creation. Man, would I have loved to be in the room for that planning meeting...

And as Puck Daddy pointed out, "we're only three (Florida Panther) goals away from a yarmulke trick."

They're Next Door To The First Church Of Christ Computer Programmer*

The American Civil Liberties Union has filed a lawsuit filed claiming that a North Carolina school violated the constitutional rights of a 14-year-old student by suspending her for wearing a nose piercing. Wait - 14-year-old are still in school in North Carolina?

The lawsuit seeks a court order allowing Ariana Iacono to "return immediately" to Clayton High School, which has kept her on suspension for four weeks since classes started. The complaint hinges on Iacono's claim that her nose piercing is more than fashion, but an article of faith. She and her mother, Nikki, belong to a (very) small religious group called the Church of Body Modification, that sees tattoos, piercings and other adornment as channels to the divine. Holy nasal studs? I'm still not on board with the Shroud of Turin being a significant religious relic.

"This is a case about a family's right to send a 14-year-old honor student to public school without her being forced to renounce her family's religious beliefs," wrote lawyers from the ACLU in response to the Johnston County school system's dress code. It bans facial piercings, short skirts, sagging pants, "abnormal hair color" and other items deemed distracting or disruptive. The loophole is the dress code also allows for exemptions based on "sincerely held religious belief," and says, "the principal or designees shall not attempt to determine whether the religious beliefs are valid, but only whether they are central to religious doctrine and sincerely held." No questions there, right?

Wrong. Ariana Iacono has been suspended four times since fall classes started, missing 19 out of 28 school days so far. The school system denied an appeal of her most recent suspension, and told her she'd have to attend South Campus Community School, an alternative facility for students with disciplinary and other problems - the dreaded continuation school! And she still wouldn't be allowed to wear the nose piercing in the other school.

The suit states officials repeatedly dismissed explanations of the Iaconos' faith by the family and their Raleigh minister. "We followed all the rules, so I don't understand why the school is being so unreasonable," Nikki said. "The dress code policy allows for a religious exemption, and I explained to the principal and various school officials how my daughter's nose stud is essential to the expression of our family's religious values." Nikki Iacono (32 - of course), joined the Church of Body Modification in 2009, and her daughter followed a year later.

It's a pretty silly dress code, compounded by the even sillier and flimsy "religion". But while it holds little water, the school district is not following their own regulations. If they really want to focus their attention on the issues, they ought to work on keeping 18 year olds from having kids when they receive a diploma, and not getting caught up in goofy sects.


* a Paranoia reference - zing!

Ass-Kicking Weekend

So even if Mark Millar is having a little hissy fit about his print work, he's got to be all smiles about Kick-Ass debuting - as am I. Ever since they announced the comic would be turned into a flick - which was after only one issue, I've been reading it with anticipation. Yeah, knowing how it will end could be considered a drawback, but that only makes me want to see how it translates to film.

And on the other side of the universe from geek pursuits is game two of the Kings / Canucks playoff series on Saturday. The first one came down to OT and was a loss, but the Kings will play their asses off to make sure they don't come back to town down by two. There's also the Chinese Grand Prix on Sunday. Red Bull, Ferrari, and McLaren have all taken the top of the podium, so will there be a repeat winner finally or does Mercedes have the goods to claim legitimacy as one of the Big Four teams in the race world?

Best of the week: Finding an NHL jersey craze in West Africa is like that scene from Tropic Thunder, in which Ben Stiller discovers a remote village worships his character's box office bomb Simple Jack because it's one of the only VHS tapes it owns. Necessity can facilitate some strange cultural mash-ups.

National Post writer Bonnie Allen found Liberians wearing Toronto Maple Leafs, Montreal Canadiens, Chicago Blackhawks and other NHL jerseys being bought, sold and worn by the citizenry. Sure, they added teams in Florida, but this isn't the next stage of expansion.

"We don't know the game," one man admitted. "But the jerseys are very fine. Very high quality."

The booming and controversial used-clothes business in Africa means hockey jerseys can be found sprinkled throughout this war-torn West African nation. Bizarrely, the authentic hockey jersey has become a status symbol among the poor for its "premium-grade" rating and high price tag ($4 CDN!). "It is tough, tough material," a street vendor raved. "If you buy it, you can wear it for 20 years."

That the jerseys are donated by churches and charities in North America, and the popularity is a bit surprising, given the widespread belief by many Africans that these "used clothes have been stripped from the body of a dead person." Perhaps not, but some of those teams have barely had a pulse all season.

Check out the Post's gallery of Liberians in NHL sweaters, as they attempted to find all 30 teams. Puck Daddy (who posted the links) added, "No word if the village enforcers all wear Philadelphia Flyers jerseys, or if feuding communities are naturally drawn to Flames and Oilers jerseys. Clearly, this West African nation is on the cusp of NHL fandom. You know, once they work past the whole 'no national electricity grid and televisions are for the rich' thing."

Plus: Folks are slowly realizing what happened to them on April Fool's day. The online game store Gamestation.co.uk added language to its click through license that asked customers to surrender their immortal souls, though it offered a checkbox to opt out if you wanted to keep yours. 7,500 customers did not check the box.

By placing an order via this Web site on the first day of the fourth month of the year 2010 Anno Domini, you agree to grant Us a non transferable option to claim, for now and for ever more, your immortal soul. Should We wish to exercise this option, you agree to surrender your immortal soul, and any claim you may have on it, within 5 (five) working days of receiving written notification from gamesation.co.uk or one of its duly authorised minions....we reserve the right to serve such notice in 6 (six) foot high letters of fire, however we can accept no liability for any loss or damage caused by such an act. If you a) do not believe you have an immortal soul, b) have already given it to another party, or c) do not wish to grant Us such a license, please click the link below to nullify this sub-clause and proceed with your transaction."

A small minority of the customers probably didn't check the box because they knew it was all a gag, the majority likely didn't check it off because they didn't read the agreement. No one reads the agreements. Famous Sister deals with stuff like that for a giant software corporation, to which Herr Docktor comically noted that her hard work is negated by people who don't read them or skip them entirely. And realistically, they aren't agreements anyway. The legal fiction that you can create agreement merely by throwing tens of thousands of words' worth of legalese at a customer is not as bound in stone as you'd think. I'd be willing to bet your soul on it.

And: Directed by the notorious Banksy himself, Exit Through The Gift Shop takes viewers through the illicit world of street art. Looking behind the scenes of the movement, the film follows the transformation of French shopkeeper Thierry Guetta — who’s obsessed with documenting street art, but unable to make a good film — into Mr. Brainwash, a megalomaniacal artist set on conquering the graffiti-art scene. Narrated by Rhys Ifans, the film also features music by Roni Size and Portishead’s Geoff Barrow set to footage of Banksy, Shepard Fairey, and other street-art heroes.

You can visit the Exit Through the Gift Shop website, read an interview with Banksy, catch photos of celebrities tagging a limo at the Hollywood premiere, and watch a video of Banksy’s phenomenal exhibition in Bristol...or act as though dogs playing poker is actual art.

Best picture of the week:

flights all over Europe may be screwed, but it's still an awesome eruption

Best bonus links:

• Hugh Hefner Says Tiger And Jesse James Are Creeps - If an 84-year-old pussy-monger with decades of sexual affairs with multiple girlfriends thinks you're a scumbag, I think the odds are he's right.

• Japanese Toilet Horror - I automatically have to post anything that has a combination of the words 'toilet', 'Japanese', and 'horror'.

• F1 Keen On Russia, New York - Who knows how they'll pull off a street circuit in the Big Crapple, but that'll be easier to get to than Montreal (no customs agents searching my shampoo for narcotics).

• HBO's New Drama 'Treme' Renewed For 2nd Season - That's how good it is after airing only one show. Guess I need to start watching it...after I finish five seasons of The Wire.

• Lethal Injection Or Firing Squad: Death Row Inmate In A Bind - what a shitty pair of choices. Wonder what Bing has to say on that...it is billed as a decision making engine.

• Judge: National Day Of Prayer Is Unconstitutional - Fortunately, National Day Of Pizza is still legal. Hooray!

• Former NYT Reporter Sleeps On Street, Eats Out Of Garbage Cans - It's all part of his new series of reports titled "I fucked my life up and will be dying like a pauper soon".

• The Diarrhea Defense - If you're claiming diarrhea as a defense for anything, you get a link here.

• Site Posts Pics Of Chicken-Eating Times Reviewer - And no, it does not have anything to do with either of the above links.

• JWoww Wishes She Could Get Implants Every Year - As do I.

• Bishop Convicted For Denying Holocaust - Amazing how church members can pretend something that effected millions never happened. Oh wait, they can...

• Evander Kane KO's Cooke, Becomes Beloved In Boston - Even if you don't know the back story, it's an awesome clip to watch.

• Escaped Inmates Dress As Sheep - Suck on that, Shawshank Redemption!

• Copying Is Not Theft, Now With Studio-Recorded Audio! - This may or may not be legally sound in court, but it's unflappable logic to me.

• Foes Of Tea Party Movement To Infiltrate Rallies - A nice take on keeping your friends close and your enemies closer. Though making them look like bigger asses than they already are will be hard.

• Man Dies While Waiting In Line To Buy World Cup Tickets - And normally that would suggest it was a long line. But as a consolation, the seats he would have had were not that good anyway.

• Important Breaking News: Big Tits Zombie 3D - That is important! It's like the perfect storm of all that is hot in film and culture today. It will probably bring about the end of the universe.

Worst of the week: Clearly Mike Huckabee is not seriously considering a presidential bid for the Republicans in 2012. Why else would you say the effort to allow gays and lesbians to marry is comparable to legalizing incest, polygamy and drug use. He also told college journalists last week that gay couples should not be permitted to adopt. "Children are not puppies," he said. Jesus, you prick - gays can't even have pets?

The former Arkansas governor visited the obscure College of New Jersey in Ewing to speak to the Student Government Association. He also was interviewed by a campus news magazine, The Perspective, which published an article two days later. Dumbfuckabee, which he will be henceforth referred to as, told the interviewer that not every group's interests deserve to be accommodated, if their lifestyle is outside of what he called "the ideal."

"That would be like saying, well there's there are a lot of people who like to use drugs so let's go ahead and accommodate those who want to use drugs. There are some people who believe in incest, so we should accommodate them. There are people who believe in polygamy, should we accommodate them?" he said, according to a transcript of the interview. Guess he'll be left of Mitt Romney's Xmas list.

"Why do you get to choose that two men are OK but one man and three women aren't OK?" he asked. Uh, the answer is that polygamy is illegal, and people en masse are not trying to change that law, whereas folks nationwide have voted to legalise gay marriage. You ought to know that if you're really thinking about being a leader.

Huckabee added that his goal isn't to tell others how to live, but that the burden of proving that a gay marriage can be successful rests with the activists in favor of changing the law. "I don't have to prove that marriage is a man and a woman in a relationship for life," he said. "They have to prove that two men can have an equally definable relationship called marriage, and somehow that that can mean the same thing." And once again, I'll have to refer him to the previous statements and voting records of places like Connecticut, Washington DC, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, Maine, Massachusetts, Vermont, Iowa, Wisconsin, Oregon, Washington, California, and Nevada.

Dumbfuckabee's archaic point of view is equally old. In response to a 1992 questionnaire from The Associated Press, the then Senatorial candidate spelled out his opposition to homosexuality, saying it was crucial that the country not "legitimize immorality". "I feel homosexuality is an aberrant, unnatural, and sinful lifestyle," he wrote, in response to a question about gays in the military. He also advocated isolating AIDS patients from the general public, saying it was necessary to confine "carriers of this plague."

I haven't seen this kind of political suicide since R. Budd Dwyer...

Plus: Kathy Griffin is going to be promoting pap smears, which is fine...except she's going to be doing it poolside at the Palomar Hotel, just down the street here from me in Los Angeles. And worse than seeing her 46-year old crotchhole is the info that she's getting her vagina vagazzled. Cue the blockquoted press release.

On Friday, April 16th, she will receive this important test in hopes that every woman will see how easy it is to get this done. She will receive this test poolside at the Palomar Hotel, by a veteran medical physician at 12pm. This is will be taped for her hit reality show "My Life On The D- List." Kathy feels that this cause is so important that she has bedazzled her "va-jay-jay," so it can be as 'va-beautiful' as it 'va-can.'

Kathy's goal is to get the word out about women's health. She wants to say "Suck it to Cancer" and educate women all across the world about keeping their bodies healthy and of course inform them about when they should be getting their check-ups.

I'm all for preventing cancer, but Kathy Griffin's live pap smear is not the solution. Especially as fodder for her crappy show. The only way I'd ever want to look at her vagina is if it was vagazzled with Isla Fisher's vagina.

Also: Perspective future bachelors - you don't get to keep your assets just because you file for divorce first.

Larry King filed his paperwork shortly before his seventh wife also sought to end the couple's nearly 13-year-old marriage. The 76-year-old host of his namesake CNN program made the move hours before Shawn King filed her own petition. Both cited "irreconcilable differences." The couple were married in a hospital room in 1997 three days before Larry King underwent surgery to clear a clogged blood vessel. They have two sons, ages 11 and 9. The petitions differ in that Larry King is seeking joint custody, while his 50-year-old wife wants physical custody.

But the kicker is that Larry King is also asking a judge not to award his wife any spousal support and to invalidate an agreement in which he transferred property to her. And this matters because Larry never signed a prenup. And in California, earnings accumulated during a marriage are split 50/50, and King’s net worth is reportedly estimated at $144 million.

As teh story goes, several years ago Shawn accused Larry of having an affair with her sister, Shannon Engemann. Shawn threatened to leak the story to the media unless Larry signed a document giving up his interest in their Beverly Hills estate, along with two other homes in Utah. Larry took the document to his attorney, who ordered him not to sign it. Larry then went to Shawn’s lawyer, and that attorney eventually gave Larry the green light to sign the agreement. Well of course her attorney did!

Having been married all those other times, I think he should have figured it out. But now he deserves the shithole he's dug himself. With the other exes and payments he's making, he'll need to work another 54 years before he can retire.

And: Children's author K.P. Bath has pleaded guilty to possessing child pornography. His name even sounds creepy, but wait until you get a look at his picture.

The 51-year-old author of "The Secret of Castle Cant" is expected to spend six or seven years in prison. I'm sure he'll have some wonderful secrets from that adventure! The Portland resident was arrested last April after federal agents discovered thousands of sexually graphic images and more than 125 videos on Bath's computer and thumb drives. I understand politicians being liars, and Wall Street bankers being fradulent, but children's authors as pedophiles just crosses a line.

Worst picture of the week:

the only thing I like less than baseball are whores doing self promotion through baseball (Holly Madison = vomit)

Worst bonus links:

• A Mysterious Powder And A Miscarriage Prompt Investigation Of Restaurateur - It's not like he put something in the food at his eatery. He just rubbed a substance on his girlfriend to abort his unwanted pregnancy.

• Michelle 'Bombshell' McGee Apologizes To Sandra Bullock, Says She 'Would Do It Again' - Newsflash there, tattoohead...that's not an apology, because an intrinsic part of an apology is remorse. Nevermind, you can't teach an old Nazi new tricks.

• Zac Efron Headed For Life Of Crime In 'Snabba Cash' - It just sounds gay when you have Efron in the same sentence as 'Snabba' - whatever the fuck that is.

• Green Men Of Vancouver, Your Current Playoff MVPs - Perverting my beloved It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, especially against the Kings, makes me sad.

• Heidi Montag Is Writing a Bourne-Meets-Barbie Action Flick - It will be the first treatment done entirely in crayon. She's too stupid to function properly, sho whow is she going to pull this off?

• John Tesh Confirms: Oprah And I Dated - How did that giant head filled with nougat become the nubian queen of bland white dudes? First Roger Ebert and now Teshy? There wasn't any Hallie Berry back then, but what about Dihann Caroll or Shari Bellafonte or Rae Dawn Chong? It's further proof that her relationship with Stedman Graham is bogus - she isn't into black men (where are the one's who dated her?), and the only black action she likes is Gayle King.

• Twilight's Kellan Lutz: 'I'm A God' - No, you're a douche. You're in Twilight, and your name is Kellan Lutz. Kellan? Lutz? Uberdouche.

• Study: Cats And Dogs Are Household Hazards - Right up there with knives, outlets, and ill-constructed closet shelving. And none of those eat their own feces and then lick your face.

• Consumer Reports Calls Lexus GX 460 Unsafe - But it is the most luxurious and sleek sport SUV that you'll ever have the pleasure to possibly roll. And isn't that a risk of status you're willing to take?

• Demi Moore: 'Laughter And Smiling Are The Best Antidotes to Aging' - I thought last week we had this covered? You had more work done than the LA freeway system (and may actually be a better ride). Shut the fuck up!

• A 2nd Garbage Patch: Plastic Soup Seen In Atlantic - I thought there were more Garbage Pail Kids until I read a little closer. Now I'm not so jazzed...

• Charlie Sheen's Rep Denies Cheating, Explains Fake Mustache - I would take Sheen in a dead pool above Linsday Lohan if only he could be killed. He's like a drug and sex fueled Terminator. Though if the two of them hooked up...

• Police: NJ Teen Told Blacks To Leave Whole Foods - I thought trends started at upscale places like Whole Foods and then trickled down to Wal-Mart, not the other way around.

• Jenny McCarthy Blasts Steven Seagal - Take the attention off your break-up and your ill-imformed crusade against science to chime in on Steven Seagal's sleaziness. I hope it's just pre-fight hype for when they square off in an Akido match. I'm looking forward to his throat punch takedown of her.

• The People Demand A Ricky Martin Sex Tape - Which fucking people? Oh, the gay pron industry. Have they really run out of Latin men? Maybe Menudo can save the day.

• Tea Party Group Offers Refunds For Hannity No-Show - When blowhard Sean Hannity won't even show up for your extremist group rally, you may want to look at what you're doing. It came down to rebates to keep these fringe activists happy.

• Vatican To Bishops: Follow Law, Report Sex Abuse - Who says the Catholic Church isn't progressive? That's 21st century thinking right there! Because common sense can finally have it's place amongst dogma.

Disorganized Religion

A woman jumped the barriers in St. Peter's Basilica and knocked down Pope Benedict XVI as he walked down the main aisle to begin Christmas Eve Mass. There's your lump of coal this year!

The 82-year-old pope "quickly got up and was unhurt", said a Vatican spokesman. Old people have lesser spills and end up with broken hips or worse, and we're supposed to believe that he's fine? Let's take a look at His Healthiness' medical records:

• In September 1991, Ratzinger suffered a hemorrhagic stroke, which slightly impaired his eyesight temporarily. This was known to the Conclave that elected him Pope.

• In August 1992, on a vacation in the Alps, he fell and struck his head against a radiator.

• In May 2005, the Vatican revealed that he had subsequently suffered another mild stroke; it did not reveal when, other than that it had occurred between 2003 and 2005.

•France's Philippe Cardinal Barbarin further revealed that since the first stroke, Ratzinger had been suffering from a heart condition as a result of his age, and is currently on medication.

• In late November 2006, an unconfirmed rumor emerged that Pope Benedict had undergone an operation in preparation for an eventual bypass operation, and that the bronchitis suffered by the Pope has put undue pressure on the Pope's heart.

• On Friday July 17, 2009 Benedict was hospitalized after falling and breaking his right wrist while on vacation in the Alps. His injuries were reported to be minor.

Yeah, he's just fine after that tumble.

Footage aired on Italy's RAI state TV showed a woman dressed in a red jumper vaulting over the wooden barriers and rushing the pope before being swarmed by bodyguards. The commotion occurred as the pope's procession was making its way toward the main altar, which came to a halt as security rushed to the trouble spot.

The spokeman added that the woman who pushed the pope appeared to be mentally unstable. Sure, she's the crazy one, not an old man in an ornate costume about to tell fables about an immaculate conception. The hero woman had been arrested by Vatican police, but also scored extra points for knocking down Cardinal Roger Etchegaray. After the incident, Benedict, (finally) flanked by tense bodyguards, resumed his walk to the basilica's main altar to start the Mass. He did appear somewhat shaken and leaned heavily on aides and an armrest as he sat down in his chair. Yes, that's called a concussion. Benedict made no reference to the incident as the service started.

It was the second year in a row there was a security breach at the service. At the end of last year's Mass a woman who had jumped the barriers got close to the pope but was quickly blocked on the ground by security. This year, they were off their mark. The spokesman said it was not immediately known if the same woman was behind this incident, but it goes to show how incompetent church officials are as leaders if that woman from last year was free and she wasn't being monitored. Though it won't be shown to be the case, it's pathetic and desperate to make the suggestion it was a repeat attacker.

God Receives Oral

Religious beggar Oral Roberts, who helped pioneer TV evangelism in the 1950s and parlayed the power of the new medium to build a multimillion-dollar ministry, died today at 91. And he was so humble...

Roberts, who built a university that bears his name, died of complications from pneumonia. He was hospitalized after a fall on Saturday - look out old people, you can now get pneumonia in addition to that broken hip!

Along with Billy Graham, he pioneered religious TV, and he played a major role in bringing American Pentecostalism into the mainstream. That's a police way of calling him a religious huckster. He also laid the foundation for the "prosperity gospel," the doctrine that has come to dominate televangelism. It holds that God rewards the faithful with material success. Its critics say it is used by preachers to enrich themselves at the expense of their followers. Another word is plain old greed.

Roberts overcame tuberculosis at 17, when his brother carried him to a revival meeting where a evangelist was praying for the sick. He said he was healed of the illness and his stuttering, and that he heard God tell him he should build a university based on the Lord's authority. Y'know, because God needs colleges. In 1963, he founded Oral Roberts University in Tulsa. Guess he wanted some credit for that...

By the 1960s and '70s, he was reaching millions around the world through radio, television, publications and personal appearances. He remained on TV into the new century, co-hosting the program "Miracles Now" with his son, Dick. He published dozens of books and conducted hundreds of crusades.

A generation of "prosperity preachers" who followed Roberts pointed to their own luxury homes and private jets as evidence of God's favor. The campus of Oral Roberts University has it's own emblems, with its 200-foot prayer tower and a 60-foot bronze sculpture of praying hands, modeled on Roberts' hands. In 2007, Republican Sen. Charles Grassley of Iowa launched an investigation of six prosperity preachers, including three who sat on the Oral Roberts University board of regents at the time. The inquiry is still under way.

Roberts' ministry hit rocky times in the 1980s. There was controversy over his City of Faith medical center, a $250 million investment that eventually folded. And Roberts was widely ridiculed when he retreated to his prayer tower and proclaimed that God would "call me home" if he failed to meet a fundraising goal of $8 million. He was off by a few decades. His organization also suffered from the effects of sex-and-money scandals involving other televangelists including Jim and Tammy Bakker and Jimmy Swaggart in the 1980s.

Roberts was semiretired in recent years and living in California when scandal roiled Oral Roberts University. His son, who succeeded him as president, resigned in 2007 after being accused of spending university money on shopping sprees and other luxuries at a time the institution was more than $50 million in debt. It was the first time in the university's history that a member of the family was not in charge. The rocky period was eased when billionaire Oklahoma City businessman Mart Green donated $70 million and helped run the school. Earlier this fall, things were looking up, with officials saying tens of millions in debt had been paid off and enrollment was up slightly. Looks like God forgives, but still wants payment and doesn't forgive debts.

There are lots of folks who claim to be messengers of God, but it's hard to take anybody serious if their name is Oral. And now that he's dead, we don't have to.

Don't Be Cross

The European Court of Human Rights ruled today that crucifixes should be removed from Italian classrooms, prompting Vatican anger and sparking uproar in Italy, where such icons are embedded in the national psyche. And the national gift shops.

"The ruling of the European court was received in the Vatican with shock and sadness," said a Vatican spokesman, adding that it was "wrong and myopic" to try to exclude a symbol of charity from education. It's still considered a charitable act being nailed to a large wooden cross and left to hang until dead, right?

The ruling, which Italy said it would appeal, said crucifixes on school walls - a common sight that is part of every Italian's life, could disturb children who were not Christians. It comes as the country is engaged in a national debate on how to deal with a growing population of (mostly Muslim) immigrants.

"This is an abhorrent ruling," said a former culture minister who helped write papal encyclicals (them's like the blog posts and P.R. from the Church). "It must be rejected with firmness. Italy has its culture, its traditions and its history. Those who come among us must understand and accept this culture and this history," he said. "Or die like the heathen infidel they are."

The Vatican spokesman said it was sad that the crucifix could be considered a symbol of division and said religion offered a vital contribution to the moral formation of people. Really, what were the Crusades if not a campaign of inclusion, not division. How can there be any question it's a bad court ruling when government members weigh in with words such as "shameful," "offensive," "absurd," "unacceptable," and "pagan." Okay, maybe not that last one...

Two Italian laws dating from the 1920s, when the Fascists were in power, state that schools must display crucifixes. Alessandra Mussolini, granddaughter of Fascist dictator and hall of fame shitbag Benito Mussolini, said rulings such as that by the court were leading to "a Europe without an identity." And what would Italy be without it's crucifixes - a nation of hairy, wine and pasta gulping caricatures? Maybe we should ask the Germans how they got over losing their beloved swastika?

The case was brought by an Italian national, Soile Lautsi, who complained that her children had to attend a public school in northern Italy which had crucifixes in every room. Education Minister Mariastella Gelmini said crucifixes on the walls of tens of thousands of classrooms "do not mean adherence to Catholicism" but are a symbol of Italy's heritage. And would be a bitch to have to take down.

"The history of Italy is marked by symbols and if we erase symbols we erase part of ourselves," Gelmini said. Again: Germany, swastikas. Lautsi said crucifixes on walls ran counter to her right to give her children a secular education and the court ruled in her favor. Hey, wait - did you think that you were in America, where there was separation of church and state? Guess you forgot that the Vatican was your neighbor...

"The presence of the crucifix...could be encouraging for religious pupils, but also disturbing for pupils who practiced other religions or were atheists, particularly if they belonged to religious minorities," the court said in a written ruling. "The State (must) refrain from imposing beliefs in premises where individuals were dependent on it," it added, saying the aim of public education was "to foster critical thinking."

Is it right or wrong? I don't care, but I'm always glad to see religion get rattled. Let's let Bill Hicks have the final word on this:

"A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fucking cross? It's like going up to Jackie Onassis wearing a rifle pendant."

Belabored Weekend

I am pleased to not only have a full weekend (without Saturday work), but also an extra day just to fuck off with. But I shant too much, because there are many things to be done with the extra time. But I digress from what's really interesting - the memorable stories of the week!

Best of the week: Police say a 61-year-old man annoyed with a crying 2-year-old girl at a Walmart slapped the child several times after warning the toddler's mother to keep her quiet. What, and not the mother for failing to attend to her child?

A police report says after Roger Stephens, a complete stranger to the victims, hit the girl at least four times, he said: "See, I told you I would shut her up." Congratulations sir, you are a man of your word, and we should honor and respect that.

Roger Stephens of Stone Mountain is charged with felony cruelty to children. It was unclear if he had an attorney and a telephone call to his home was unanswered, likely because he was out enforcing his own brand of extreme parenting.

Authorities say the girl and her mother were shopping Monday when the toddler began crying. The police report says Stephens approached the mother and said, "If you don't shut that baby up, I will shut her up for you."

Authorities say after Stephens slapped the girl, she began screaming. Hmmm...guess you should work on that. You have to hit 'em harder to keep 'em quiet. Is he one of the People of Walmart? He is now.

Worst of the week: The top-selling Bible in North America will undergo its first revision in 25 years, because the word of God sometimes needs to be rewritten.

The New International Version, the Bible of choice for conservative evangelicals, will be revised to reflect changes in English usage and advances in Biblical scholarship. The revision is scheduled to be completed late next year and published in 2011. "We want to reach English speakers across the globe with a Bible that is accurate, accessible and that speaks to its readers in a language they can understand," said the president and CEO of the Christian ministry that holds the NIV copyright. What happens of you're 0-for-3 on that?

Past attempts to remake the NIV for contemporary audiences in different editions have been plagued by controversies about gender language that have pitted theological conservatives against each other. The changes did not make all men "people" or remove male references to God, but instead involved dropping gender-specific terms when translators judged that the original text didn't intend it. So in some verses, references to "sons of God" became "children of God," for example.

Supporters say gender-inclusive changes are more accurate and make the Bible more accessible, but critics contend they twist meaning or smack of political correctness. Acknowledging past missteps, the NIV's overseers are promising that this time, the revision process will be more transparent and that they will actively promote what they describe as a long-held practice of inviting input from scholars and readers. Scholars, sure, but readers? You don't get to edit the story of the lord just because your read his tale!

The NIV was first published in 1978 and more than 300 million NIV Bibles are in print worldwide; its publishers and distributors say the translation accounts for 30 percent of Bibles sold in North America. The Committee on Bible Translation, an independent group of conservative scholars and translators formed in 1965 to create and revise the NIV, will oversee the new revision. An effort earlier this decade to create a separate version of the NIV that used more gender-inclusive language in an attempt to reach a younger audience fell flat with groups that felt it crossed the line. Guess there won't be anymore, "Jesus, my bro" or "awesome God dude" passages.

It was the TNIV that ushered in changes from "sons of God" to "children of God," or "brothers" to "brothers and sisters." In Genesis I, God created "human beings" in his own image instead of "man." Many prominent pastors and scholars endorsed the changes. But critics said masculine terms in the original should not be tampered with. Some warned that changing singular gender references to plural ones alters what the Bible says about God's relationships with individuals. The Southern Baptist Convention passed a resolution saying the edition "has gone beyond acceptable translation standards." Sweet...fanatic Bible fight!

Most changes will have nothing to do with gender inclusivity, and the TNIV provides a glimpse of likely changes: In the '84 NIV, Mary is "with child," but in the TNIV she is "pregnant." In the NIV version of Psalm 146:9, "The Lord watches over the alien." The TNIV used "foreigner" instead of "alien." Good for them! I will also make the necessary changes in my reaction to those changes. I used to think it was ridiculous, but now it will be revised to preposterous.

Honorable mention: King of the dipshits!

Useless tool Spencer Pratt is allegedly in the process of legally changing his name to “King Spencer Pratt”, according to his rep.

“I have decided that if there is a Queen of England and Prince William, we need to have a King of America, and I have nominated myself for that title.” Yes, we broke away from a monarchy over 230 years ago just so a no talent poser from Orange County could become our royalty.

King retard has not yet filed the legal papers to alter his name, but plans to this week. He did reveal he will no longer be answering to "the white Jay-Z”, another self-bestowed moniker. “I take back the quote that I am the white Jay Z!” he wrote on Twitter, which is about as complicated the technology as his intelligence allows him to operate. “I did my research I am nothing like this person so please forget I ever said this! Thanks!”

Do your research and figure out nobody gives a shit about you.

C9nnibal Flower Weekend

The big thing this weekend (other than enjoying a 4th day of 100 degree heat in a downtown warehouse to work on Saturday) is the 9 year anniversary of Cannibal Flower. Funny that ever since I started working downtown, CF started to jump locations monthly instead of sitting conveniently close down the street.

It's been a real pleasure taking in some amazing underground art as well has having MAGNA perform in a space what is truly suited to our artistic approach to music. Knowing many of the artists who have shown there as well as owning several pieces that have had the fortune of being displayed, it will be nice to celebrate the accomplishments of Cannibal Flower with them, knowing that the underground is still alive and well after almost a decade. That news alone is the best of the week.

Not good enough? Fine, how about this:

Police in Florida city used the promise of economic stimulus checks to lure 76 people to their arrest on a variety of outstanding warrants. You're a horrible place, but you actually did something right. The Fort Lauderdale Police Department set up "Operation Show Me the Money" to round up people wanted on charges ranging from second-degree murder to guns and drug charges to failure to pay child support. "Operation Arrest College Kids At Spring Break" was such a success, but really only gave the department one solid win a year.

Using the name of the fictitious "South Florida Stimulus Coalition," police mailed letters asking the suspects to call an undercover phone line and make appointments to claim their money. When they showed up at an auditorium and presented their identification, they were led to an area where uniformed police were waiting to arrest them. Police said such roundups are safer and more efficient than serving warrants at people's homes. "You totally control the environment whereas when you're walking up to someone's home there's an unknown factor there," police said obviously.

The operation ended this week, and authorities declined to say how much money the suspects were offered. "They were not large dollar amounts," they said. "No one was promised thousands of dollars." And that's what made it believable for Florida - stimulus checks for $62.35.

Worst of the week: Trouble brewing in Malaysia! (chortle!)

I know that there's not many (any?) hardcore Islamic readers of this site, but if there are, could you please tell me why all the countries where your theocratic governments and zealot societies can't see the church from the state have insane punishments for the most harmless of actions?

Kartika Sari Dewi Shukarno had originally been scheduled to enter a women's prison, but was abruptly turned around and sent home. She was to be lashed six times with a rattan cane...for drinking a beer.

Beer, wine and liquor is widely available at shops, bars and restaurants in Malaysia, unlike in more austere Islamic nations such as Iran and Pakistan. The Christians, Hindus, Sikhs and other minorities in Malaysia are free to consume alcohol but its Shariah law forbids Muslims — who make up 60% population — from drinking. Islamic morality police, the enforcement officials of the Islamic Religious Department, arrested Kartika in a raid for drinking beer at a hotel lounge at a beach resort in December 2007. The sentenced caning will be carried out after the current Muslim fasting month of Ramadan, largely in part to the Attorney General's office advise to delay it for "compassionate reasons". Ramadan began Saturday and will end in mid-September.

So to recap, in a country where morality police operate under a governmental religious department and enforce laws that do not apply to all citizens of the country, your punishment, that could never possibly fit the crime, will be delayed and called compassionate as those who seek to initiate such asinine and absurd laws need to keep their consciences clear when they enter their most holy periods of religious fanaticism.

If you were banning Muslims from seeing the Black Eyed Peas concert for being shitty and not because of religious intolerance of anything remotely out of step with your medieval beliefs, I could maybe get behind your position. But you're batshit crazy and completely backwards. Islunatics!

Special news of the day: Silence is golden.

Late breaking news today was that DJ AM, aka a really shitty disc jockey that became a celebrity for playing records for psuedo-celebrities at supposedly hot nightclubs, died. And that suits me just fine.

Now all you stay-at-home moms who are agast at my cool moral platitudes, or morons who think Entourage is a blueprint for coolness, shut up and prepare to have some education dropped on you (like it was hot).

You should know that my shit is old school. Like hating his weak ass, no-talent act from back in the day. Since this is the Year Of Dead Celebrities, let us hope that Good Charlotte and other useless meatsticks also do their part and die to make this world better. Yes, Samuel Ronson, you too are are getting close to your fifteenth minute of inexplicable existence outside a North Hollywood LGBT club - time to die.

DJ AM was to DJing as Milli Vanilli was to singing. Or the Detroit Lions were to a perfect season. Or Republicans are to telling the truth and progressive thinking. Or Twilight is to great literature. Must I continue?

When Heath Ledger decided to accidentally OD, we lost a talented performer who gave us a taste of his abilities in the posthumous The Dark Knight Returns. When DJ AM took a little too much of his crack pipe and prescription pills (yes, that's what they found there), we lost nothing, and who leave behind a playable character in the upcoming DJ Hero videogame. Clearly, I don't feel anything bad about seeing his death as, well, not bad. Because it really shows how unimportant he was and how shallow and phoney the celebrity circlejerk realm is.

And how do we know this? Because of the twatting. Grief, can you be contained in 140 characters? Perhaps not. But all the opportunists came out to catch a slice of his dim, dead spotlight with their own poignant, touching thoughts that had to be shared publicly. You're only as important as the thread you twat on, I guess. Lohag, Titty Perry, Ashton Doucher, Scientologist Masterson, Herpes Hilton, P. Douchie, Fall Out Pete, Heidi Yawntag, and the always ineffective None Gayer Than John Mayer were only a few celebritards getting in on the action. Interesting how no real DJs have anything to say on the matter...Paul Oakenfold, Kid Koala, The X-ecutioners, Mr. Scruff, DJ Q-Bert, Cut Chemist, DJ Food, Aphex Twin, Coldcut, Amon Tobin, DJ Shadow, The Herbaliser - all quiet. DJ AM was a poseur (fancy spelling because he was an extra big douchenozzle).

The cherry on top is that DJ AM recently announced an upcoming MTV reality series, tentatively titled "Gone Too Far," which had just completed shooting. The show was designed to help young people whose lives had been turned upside down due to drug dependencies. You better make sure you got those addictions of your own in check first before you think you're capable of helping others. Credibility = zero. And my question is, does MTV air the sucker? Or do they lose their balls like sister station VH1 with their millionaire murderer?

Literally like Final Destination (and the one that adds more irony opening today - zing!), DJ AM escaped death in a plane crash, only to have it catch up with him. Travis Barker, you better watch out. If you want a cup of sorrow, feel bad about the Olympic shot putter who was gunned down in front of his home by prowlers last night, not a guy whose credits were playing pool parties in Las Vegas.

Tell Us Something We Didn't Know

A fiercely debated, long-delayed investigation into Ireland's Roman Catholic-run institutions says priests and nuns terrorized thousands of boys and girls in workhouse-style schools for decades — and government inspectors failed to stop the chronic beatings, rapes and humiliation. Because that's the Catholic way - shame, secrecy, denial, and lots of suffering!

Nine years in the making, and with a cast of thousands across decades, the 2,600-page report sides almost completely with the horrific reports of abuse from former students sent to more than 250 church-run, mostly residential institutions. It concluded that church officials always shielded their orders' pedophiles from arrest to protect their own reputations and, according to documents uncovered in the Vatican, knew that many pedophiles were serial attackers. And of all the lame conspiracy stories about organized religion, the best we can get is Angels And Demons?

The commission said overwhelming, consistent testimony from still-traumatized men and women, now in their 50s to 80s, had demonstrated beyond a doubt that the entire system treated children more like prison inmates and slaves than people with legal rights and human potential. "A climate of fear, created by pervasive, excessive and arbitrary punishment, permeated most of the institutions and all those run for boys. Children lived with the daily terror of not knowing where the next beating was coming from," the final report of Ireland's Commission to Inquire Into Child Abuse concluded.

More than 30,000 children deemed to be petty thieves, truants or from dysfunctional families — a category that often included unmarried mothers — were sent to Ireland's austere network of industrial schools, reformatories, orphanages and hostels from the 1930s until the last church-run facilities shut in the 1990s. The report, unveiled by High Court Justice Sean Ryan, found that molestation and rape were "endemic" in boys' facilities, chiefly run by the Christian Brothers order, and supervisors pursued policies that increased the danger. Girls supervised by orders of nuns, chiefly the Sisters of Mercy, suffered much less sexual abuse but frequent assaults and humiliation designed to make them feel worthless. Just like being a Catholic parishioner!

"In some schools a high level of ritualized beating was routine. ... Girls were struck with implements designed to maximize pain and were struck on all parts of the body," the report said. "Personal and family denigration was widespread." Victims of the system have long demanded that the truth of their experiences be documented and made public, so that children in Ireland never endure such suffering again. But most leaders of religious orders have rejected the allegations as exaggerations and lies, and testified to the commission that any abuses were the responsibility of often long-dead individuals. It's called religion folks, not responsibility - it's confusing because they both start with "r".

The report proposed 21 ways the government could recognize past wrongs, including building a permanent memorial, providing counseling and education to victims and improving Ireland's current child protection services. But its findings will not be used for criminal prosecutions — in part because the Christian Brothers successfully sued the commission in 2004 to keep the identities of all of its members, dead or alive, unnamed in the report. No real names, whether of victims or perpetrators, appear in the final document. Irish church leaders and religious orders all declined to comment Wednesday, citing the need to read the massive document first. The Vatican also declined to comment.

The Irish government already has funded a parallel compensation system that has paid 12,000 abuse victims an average of euro 65,000 ($90,000). About 2,000 claims remain outstanding. Victims receive the payouts only if they waive their rights to sue the state and the church. Hundreds have rejected that condition and taken their abusers and those church employers to court. Or street justice...watch those dark alleys!

The report said children had no safe way to tell authorities about the assaults they were suffering, particularly the sexual aggression from church officials and older inmates in boys' institutions. "The management did not listen to or believe children when they complained of the activities of some of the men who had responsibility for their care," the commission found. "At best, the abusers were moved, but nothing was done about the harm done to the child. At worst, the child was blamed and seen as corrupted by the sexual activity, and was punished severely."

The commission dismissed as implausible a central defense of the religious orders — that, in bygone days, people did not recognize the sexual abuse of a child as a criminal offense, but rather as a sin that required repentance. For who, the child? Or the molester? In their testimony, religious orders typically cited this as the principal reason why sex-predator priests and brothers were sheltered within the system and moved to new posts where they could still maintain daily contact with children.

But the commission said its fact-finding — which included unearthing decades-old church files, chiefly stored in the Vatican, on scores of unreported abuse cases from Ireland's industrial schools — demonstrated that officials understood exactly what was at stake: their own reputations. It cited numerous examples where school managers told police about child abusers who were not church officials — but never did when one of their own had committed the crime. "Contrary to the congregations' claims that the recidivist nature of sexual offending was not understood, it is clear from the documented cases that they were aware of the propensity for abusers to re-abuse," it said.

Religious orders were chiefly concerned about preventing scandal, not the danger to children, it said. The commission also condemned Ireland's Education Department for aiding the abusive culture through infrequent, toothless inspections that deferred to church authority. Inspectors were supposed to restrict the use of corporal punishment and make sure the children were adequately fed, clothed and educated — but the report called those inspections "fundamentally flawed." How can you sum it up? "Often the act of kindness, recalled in such a positive light, arose from the simple fact that the staff member had not given a beating when one was expected."

Just Your Local Henge

In ancient times, hundreds of years before the dawn of history, lived a strange race of people: the druids
No one knows who they where or what they were doing...but their legacy remains - hewn into the living rock of Stonehenge

The strangest monument in America looms over a barren knoll in northeastern Georgia. Five massive slabs of polished granite rise out of the earth in a star pattern. The rocks are each 16 feet tall, with four of them weighing more than 20 tons apiece. Together they support a 25,000-pound capstone. Approaching the edifice, it's hard not to think immediately of England's Stonehenge or possibly the ominous monolith from 2001: A Space Odyssey. Built in 1980, these pale gray rocks are quietly awaiting the end of the world as we know it.

Called the Georgia Guidestones, the monument is a mystery—nobody knows exactly who commissioned it or why. The only clues to its origin are on a nearby plaque on the ground—which gives the dimensions and explains a series of intricate notches and holes that correspond to the movements of the sun and stars—and the "guides" themselves, directives carved into the rocks. These instructions appear in eight languages ranging from English to Swahili and reflect a peculiar New Age ideology. Some are vaguely eugenic (guide reproduction wisely—improving fitness and diversity); others prescribe standard-issue hippie mysticism (prize truth—beauty—love—seeking harmony with the infinite).

What's most widely agreed upon—based on the evidence available—is that the Guidestones are meant to instruct the dazed survivors of some impending apocalypse as they attempt to reconstitute civilization. Not everyone is comfortable with this notion. A few days before I visited, the stones had been splattered with polyurethane and spray-painted with graffiti, including slogans like "Death to the new world order." This defacement was the first serious act of vandalism in the Guidestones' history, but it was hardly the first objection to their existence. In fact, for more than three decades this uncanny structure in the heart of the Bible Belt has been generating responses that range from enchantment to horror. Supporters (notable among them Yoko Ono) have praised the messages as a stirring call to rational thinking, akin to Thomas Paine's The Age of Reason. Opponents have attacked them as the Ten Commandments of the Antichrist.

Whoever the anonymous architects of the Guidestones were, they knew what they were doing: The monument is a highly engineered structure that flawlessly tracks the sun. It also manages to engender endless fascination, thanks to a carefully orchestrated aura of mystery. And the stones have attracted plenty of devotees to defend against folks who would like them destroyed. Clearly, whoever had the monument placed here understood one thing very well: People prize what they don't understand at least as much as what they do.

The story of the Georgia Guidestones began on a Friday afternoon in June 1979, when an elegant gray-haired gentleman showed up in Elbert County, made his way to the offices of Elberton Granite Finishing, and introduced himself as Robert C. Christian. He claimed to represent "a small group of loyal Americans" who had been planning the installation of an unusually large and complex stone monument. Christian had come to Elberton—the county seat and the granite capital of the world—because he believed its quarries produced the finest stone on the planet.

Joe Fendley, Elberton Granite's president, nodded absently, distracted by the rush to complete his weekly payroll. But when Christian began to describe the monument he had in mind, Fendley stopped what he was doing. Not only was the man asking for stones larger than any that had been quarried in the county, he also wanted them cut, finished, and assembled into some kind of enormous astronomical instrument.

What in the world would it be for? Fendley asked. Christian explained that the structure he had in mind would serve as a compass, calendar, and clock. It would also need to be engraved with a set of guides written in eight of the world's major languages. And it had to be capable of withstanding the most catastrophic events, so that the shattered remnants of humanity would be able to use those guides to reestablish a better civilization than the one that was about to destroy itself.

Fendley is now deceased, but shortly after the Guidestones went up, an Atlanta television reporter asked what he was thinking when he first heard Christian's plan. "I was thinking, 'I got a nut in here now. How am I going get him out?'" Fendley said. He attempted to discourage the man by quoting him a price several times higher than for any project commissioned there before. The job would require special tools, heavy equipment, and paid consultants, Fendley explained. But Christian merely nodded and asked how long it would take. Fendley didn't rightly know—six months, at least. He wouldn't be able to even consider such an undertaking, he added, until he knew it could be paid for. When Christian asked whether there was a banker in town he considered trustworthy, Fendley saw his chance to unload the strange man and sent him to look for Wyatt Martin, president of the Granite City Bank.

The tall and courtly Martin—the only man in Elberton besides Fendley known to have met R. C. Christian face-to-face—is now 78. "Fendley called me and said, 'A kook over here wants some kind of crazy monument,'" Martin says. "But when this fella showed up he was wearing a very nice, expensive suit, which made me take him a little more seriously. And he was well-spoken, obviously an educated person." Martin was naturally taken aback when the man told him straight out that R. C. Christian was a pseudonym. He added that his group had been planning this secretly for 20 years and wanted to remain anonymous forever. "And when he told me what it was he and this group wanted to do, I just about fell over," Martin says. "I told him, 'I believe you'd be just as well off to take the money and throw it out in the street into the gutters.' He just sort of looked at me and shook his head, like he felt kinda sorry for me, and said, 'You don't understand.'"

Martin led Christian down the street to the town square, where the city had commissioned a towering Bicentennial Memorial Fountain, which included a ring of 13 granite panels, each roughly 2 by 3 feet, signifying the original colonies. "I told him that was about the biggest project ever undertaken around here, and it was nothing compared to what he was talking about," Martin says. "That didn't seem to bother him at all." Promising to return on Monday, the man went off to charter a plane and spend the weekend scouting locations from the air. "By then I half believed him," Martin says.

When Christian came back to the bank Monday, Martin explained that he could not proceed unless he could verify the man's true identity and "get some assurance you can pay for this thing." Eventually, the two negotiated an agreement: Christian would reveal his real name on the condition that Martin promise to serve as his sole intermediary, sign a confidentiality agreement pledging never to disclose the information to another living soul, and agree to destroy all documents and records related to the project when it was finished. "He said he was going to send the money from different banks across the country," Martin says, "because he wanted to make sure it couldn't be traced. He made it clear that he was very serious about secrecy."

Before leaving town, Christian met again with Fendley and presented the contractor with a shoe box containing a wooden model of the monument he wanted, plus 10 or so pages of detailed specifications. Fendley accepted the model and instructions but remained skeptical until Martin phoned the following Friday to say he had just received a $10,000 deposit. After that, Fendley stopped questioning and started working. "My daddy loved a challenge," says Fendley's daughter, Melissa Fendley Caruso, "and he said this was the most challenging project in the history of Elbert County."

Construction of the Guidestones got under way later that summer. Fendley's company lovingly documented the progress of the work in hundreds of photographs. Jackhammers were used to gouge 114 feet into the rock at Pyramid Quarry, searching for hunks of granite big enough to yield the final stones. Fendley and his crew held their breath when the first 28-ton slab was lifted to the surface, wondering if their derricks would buckle under the weight. A special burner (essentially a narrowly focused rocket motor used to cut and finish large blocks of granite) was trucked to Elberton to clean and size the stones, and a pair of master stonecutters was hired to smooth them.

Fendley and Martin helped Christian find a suitable site for the Guidestones in Elbert County: a flat-topped hill rising above the pastures of the Double 7 Farms, with vistas in all directions. For $5,000, owner Wayne Mullinex signed over a 5-acre plot. In addition to the payment, Christian granted lifetime cattle-grazing rights to Mullinex and his children, and Mullinex's construction company got to lay the foundation for the Guidestones.

With the purchase of the land, the Guidestones' future was set. Christian said good-bye to Fendley at the granite company office, adding, "You'll never see me again." Christian then turned and walked out the door—without so much as a handshake.

From then on, Christian communicated solely through Martin, writing a few weeks later to ask that ownership of the land and monument be transferred to Elbert County, which still holds it. Christian reasoned that civic pride would protect it over time. "All of Mr. Christian's correspondence came from different cities around the country," Martin says. "He never sent anything from the same place twice."

The astrological specifications for the Guidestones were so complex that Fendley had to retain the services of an astronomer from the University of Georgia to help implement the design. The four outer stones were to be oriented based on the limits of the sun's yearly migration. The center column needed two precisely calibrated features: a hole through which the North Star would be visible at all times, and a slot that was to align with the position of the rising sun during the solstices and equinoxes. The principal component of the capstone was a 7\8-inch aperture through which a beam of sunlight would pass at noon each day, shining on the center stone to indicate the day of the year.

The main feature of the monument, though, would be the 10 dictates carved into both faces of the outer stones, in eight languages: English, Spanish, Russian, Chinese, Arabic, Hebrew, Hindi, and Swahili. A mission statement of sorts (let these be guidestones to an age of reason) was also to be engraved on the sides of the capstone in Egyptian hieroglyphics, classical Greek, Sanskrit, and Babylonian cuneiform. The United Nations provided some of the translations (including those for the dead languages), which were stenciled onto the stones and etched with a sandblaster.

By early 1980, a bulldozer was scraping the Double 7 hilltop to bedrock, where five granite slabs serving as a foundation were laid out in a paddle-wheel design. A 100-foot-tall crane was used to lift the stones into place. Each of the outer rocks was 16 feet 4 inches high, 6 feet 6 inches wide, and 1 foot 7 inches thick. The center column was the same (except only half the width), and the capstone measured 9 feet 8 inches long, 6 feet 6 inches wide, and 1 foot 7 inches thick. Including the foundation stones, the monument's total weight was almost 240,000 pounds. Covered with sheets of black plastic in preparation for an unveiling on the vernal equinox, the Guidestones towered over the cattle that continued to graze beneath it at the approach of winter's end.

The monument ignited controversy before it was even finished. The first rumor began among members of the Elberton Granite Association, jealous of the attention being showered on one of their own: Fendley was behind the whole thing, they said, aided by his friend Martin, the banker. The gossip became so poisonous that the two men agreed to take a lie detector test at the Elberton Civic Center. The scandal withered when The Elberton Star reported that they had both passed convincingly, but the publicity brought a new wave of complaints. As word of what was being inscribed spread, Martin recalls, even people he considered friends asked him why he was doing the devil's work. A local minister, James Travenstead, predicted that "occult groups" would flock to the Guidestones, warning that "someday a sacrifice will take place here." Those inclined to agree were hardly discouraged by Charlie Clamp, the sandblaster charged with carving each of the 4,000-plus characters on the stones: During the hundreds of hours he spent etching the guides, Clamp said, he had been constantly distracted by "strange music and disjointed voices."

The unveiling on March 22, 1980, was a community celebration. Congressmember Doug Barnard, whose district contained Elberton, addressed a crowd of 400 that flowed down the hillside and included television news crews from Atlanta. Soon Joe Fendley was the most famous Elbertonian since Daniel Tucker, the 18th-century minister memorialized in the folk song "Old Dan Tucker." Bounded by the Savannah and Broad rivers but miles from the nearest interstate—"as rural as rural can be," in the words of current Star publisher Gary Jones—Elberton was suddenly a tourist destination, with visitors from all over the world showing up to see the Guidestones. "We'd have people from Japan and China and India and everywhere wanting to go up and see the monument," Martin says. And Fendley's boast that he had "put Elberton on the map" was affirmed literally in spring 2005, when National Geographic Traveler listed the Guidestones as a feature in its Geotourism MapGuide to Appalachia.

But many who read what was written on the stones were unsettled. Guide number one was, of course, the real stopper: maintain humanity under 500,000,000 in perpetual balance with nature. There were already 4.5 billion people on the planet, meaning eight out of nine had to go (today it would be closer to 12 out of 13). This instruction was echoed and expanded by tenet number two: guide reproduction wisely—improving fitness and diversity. It didn't take a great deal of imagination to draw an analogy to the practices of, among others, the Nazis. Guide number three instructed readers to unite humanity with a living new language. This sent a shiver up the spine of local ministers who knew that the Book of Revelations warned of a common tongue and a one-world government as the accomplishments of the Antichrist. Guide number four—rule passion—faith—tradition—and all things with tempered reason—was similarly threatening to Christians committed to the primacy of faith over all. The last six guides were homiletic by comparison. protect people and nations with fair laws and just courts. let all nations rule internally resolving external disputes in a world court. avoid petty laws and useless officials. balance personal rights with social duties. prize truth—beauty—love—seeking harmony with the infinite. be not a cancer on the earth—leave room for nature—leave room for nature.

Even as locals debated the relative merits of these commandments, the dire predictions of Travenstead seemed to be coming true. Within a few months, a coven of witches from Atlanta adopted the Guidestones as their home away from home, making weekend pilgrimages to Elberton to stage various pagan rites ("dancing and chanting and all that kind of thing," Martin says) and at least one warlock-witch marriage ceremony. No humans were sacrificed on the altar of the stones, but there are rumors that several chickens were beheaded. A 1981 article in the monthly magazine UFO Report cited Naunie Batchelder (identified in the story as "a noted Atlanta psychic") as predicting that the true purpose of the guides would be revealed "within the next 30 years." Viewed from directly overhead, the Guidestones formed an X, the piece in UFO Report observed, making for a perfect landing site.

Visitors kept coming, but after several failed investigations into the identity of R. C. Christian, the media lost interest. Curiosity flared again briefly in 1993, when Yoko Ono contributed a track called "Georgia Stone" to a tribute album for avant-garde composer John Cage, with Ono chanting the 10th and final guide nearly verbatim: "Be not a cancer on Earth—leave room for nature—leave room for nature." A decade later, however, when comedienne Roseanne Barr tried to work a bit on the Guidestones into her comeback tour, nobody seemed to care.

Christian kept in touch with Martin, writing the banker so regularly that they became pen pals. Occasionally, Christian would call from a pay phone at the Atlanta airport to say he was in the area, and the two would rendezvous for dinner in the college town of Athens, a 40-mile drive west of Elberton. By this time, Martin no longer questioned Christian's secrecy. The older man had successfully deflected Martin's curiosity when the two first met, by quoting Henry James' observations of Stonehenge: "You may put a hundred questions to these rough-hewn giants as they bend in grim contemplation of their fallen companions, but your curiosity falls dead in the vast sunny stillness that enshrouds them." Christian "never would tell me a thing about this group he belonged to," Martin says. The banker received his last letter from Christian right around the time of the 9/11 terrorist attacks and assumes the man—who would have been in his mid-eighties—has since passed away.

The mysterious story of R. C. Christian and the absence of information about the true meaning of the Guidestones was bound to become an irresistible draw for conspiracy theorists and "investigators" of all kinds. Not surprisingly, three decades later there is no shortage of observers rushing to fill the void with all sorts of explanations.

Among them is an activist named Mark Dice, author of a book called The Resistance Manifesto. In 2005, Dice (who was using a pseudonym of his own—"John Conner"—appropriated from the Terminator franchise's main character) began to demand that the Guidestones be "smashed into a million pieces." He claims that the monument has "a deep Satanic origin," a stance that has earned him plenty of coverage, both in print and on the Web. According to Dice, Christian was a high-ranking member of "a Luciferian secret society" at the forefront of the New World Order. "The elite are planning to develop successful life-extension technology in the next few decades that will nearly stop the aging process," Dice says, "and they fear that with the current population of Earth so high, the masses will be using resources that the elite want for themselves. The Guidestones are the New World Order's Ten Commandments. They're also a way for the elite to get a laugh at the expense of the uninformed masses, as their agenda stands as clear as day and the zombies don't even notice it."

Ironically, Dice's message has mainly produced greater publicity for the Guidestones. This, in turn, has brought fresh visitors to the monument and made Elbert County officials even less inclined to remove the area's only major tourist attraction.

Phyllis Brooks, who runs the Elbert County Chamber of Commerce, pronounced herself aghast last November when the Guidestones were attacked by vandals for the first time ever. While Dice denies any involvement in the assault, he seems to have inspired it: Spray-painted on the stones were messages like "Jesus will beat u satanist" and "No one world government." Other defacements asserted that the Council on Foreign Relations is "ran by the devil," that the 9/11 attacks were an inside job, and that President Obama is a Muslim. The vandals also splashed the Guidestones with polyurethane, which is much more difficult to remove than paint. Despite the graffiti's alignment with his views, Dice says he disapproves of the acts. "A lot of people were glad such a thing happened and saw it as standing up against the New World Order," Dice says, "while others who are unhappy with the stones saw the actions as counterproductive and inappropriate."

Martin winces every time he hears Dice's "Luciferian secret society" take on the Guidestones. But while he disagrees, he also admits that he doesn't know for sure. "All I can tell you is that Mr. Christian always seemed a very decent and sincere fella to me."

Dice, of course, is far from the only person with a theory about the Guidestones. Jay Weidner, a former Seattle radio commentator turned erudite conspiracy hunter, has heavily invested time and energy into one of the most popular hypotheses. He argues that Christian and his associates were Rosicrucians, followers of the Order of the Rosy Cross, a secret society of mystics that originated in late medieval Germany and claim understanding of esoteric truths about nature, the universe, and the spiritual realm that have been concealed from ordinary people. Weidner considers the name R. C. Christian an homage to the legendary 14th-century founder of the Rosicrucians, a man first identified as Frater C.R.C. and later as Christian Rosenkreuz. Secrecy, Weidner notes, has been a hallmark of the Rosicrucians, a group that announced itself to the world in the early 17th century with a pair of anonymous manifestos that created a huge stir across Europe, despite the fact that no one was ever able to identify a single member. While the guides on the Georgia stones fly in the face of orthodox Christian eschatology, they conform quite well to the tenets of Rosicrucianism, which stress reason and endorse a harmonic relationship with nature.

Weidner also has a theory about the purpose of the Guidestones. An authority on the hermetic and alchemical traditions that spawned the Rosicrucians, he believes that for generations the group has been passing down knowledge of a solar cycle that climaxes every 13,000 years. During this culmination, outsize coronal mass ejections are supposed to devastate Earth. Meanwhile, the shadowy organization behind the Guidestones is now orchestrating a "planetary chaos," Weidner believes, that began with the recent collapse of the US financial system and will result eventually in major disruptions of oil and food supplies, mass riots, and ethnic wars worldwide, all leading up to the Big Event on December 21, 2012. "They want to get the population down," Weidner says, "and this is what they think will do it. The Guidestones are there to instruct the survivors."

On hearing Weidner's ideas, Martin shakes his head and says it's "the sort of thing that makes me want to tell people everything I know." Martin has long since retired from banking and no longer lives in Elberton, yet he's still the Guidestones' official—and only—secret-keeper. "But I can't tell," the old man quickly adds. "I made a promise." Martin also made a promise to destroy all the records of his dealings with Christian, though he hasn't kept that one—at least not yet. In the back of his garage is a large plastic bin (actually, the hard-sided case of an IBM computer he bought back in 1983) stuffed with every document connected to the Guidestones that ever came into his possession, including the letters from Christian.

For years Martin thought he might write a book, but now he knows he probably won't. What he also won't do is allow me to look through the papers. When I ask whether he's prepared to take what he knows to his grave, Martin replies that Christian would want him to do just that: "All along, he said that who he was and where he came from had to be kept a secret. He said mysteries work that way. If you want to keep people interested, you can let them know only so much." The rest is enshrouded in the vast sunny stillness.

via WIRED, bitches