Looking For A Silver Sugar Momma

In turns out the winner of last month's $590 million Powerball jackpot was an 84-year-old woman from Florida...what a fucking waste.

Florida Lottery officials made the announcement after Gloria C. Mackenzie came forward - with assistance, to claim the prize. Mackenzie took the single lump-sum payment, which is pretty sensible, and comes out to around $370 million before taxes. Officials say she is the largest sole lottery winner in U.S. history, though not necessarily the oldest. She did not speak to reporters outside lottery headquarters, possibly due to a feeding tube or breathing apparatus, though neither can be confirmed.

She bought the winning ticket at Publix supermarket in Zephyrhills, a town of about 13,300 people located 30 miles northeast of Tampa, which should be spelled Zephyr Hills, so it doesn't look like some kind of venereal disease or a cholesterol medication.

My Mom-Mom is in her 90's and living in an assisted care facility, but thinks she is 16 and at the  shore during the summer instead of buying lotto tickets, and doesn't have a third of a billion to leave her offspring - in case you were wondering.

Weekend Edition

Counting down the top 20 links we didn't cover during the week...

20 • McLaren P1 Claims Mantle Of World’s Ultimate Supercar - It's a pretty sweet mantle.  And fast too.

19 • Why Frank Kelly Freas Was Possibly The Greatest Science Fiction Artist Who Ever Lived - Retro sci-f, FTW.

18 •  Fraternity Raises Money For Member’s Sexual Reassignment Surgery - She's becoming a he, and frat boys are always looking for members who they can have towel-snapping shower room shenanigans.

17 • The World Needs These Star Wars And Indiana Jones Versions Of Donkey Kong - If only they were playable and not art...

16 • 13 Instances When It's Perfectly Okay To Use The C-Word - Fourteen if you count making a joke.

15 • Mind Melds Move From Science Fiction To Science In Rats - Now they can share thoughts of cheese...or product testing.

14 • UNC Student Faces Possible Expulsion For Speaking Out About Alleged Sexual Assault - Because no good deed goes unpunished.

13 • Hipster Bulldog Gains Cult Following - We live in a world where 84,000 people find a dog in costume worthy of following.  Ugh...

12 • Milwaukee Brewers Racing Italian Sausage Costume Returned To Wisconsin Bar - The town was at a standstill until that wiener casing was found.

11 •  Scientist Stumbles Onto A Cure For Color Blindness - No word on fixing color deafness though...

10 • Joe Flacco, Baltimore Ravens Reach Agreement, According To Source - And now he's the most overpaid QB in the league.  One bowl championship in a contract year and you can make more than Brady, Rodgers, Brees, and the Manning of your choice.

09 • The World's Smallest ARM Chip Is Going To Be Inside You - Soon, your pills will be more than just 1000mg of vitamin C.

08 • Ghana's Turkson Is Irish Bookmakers' Favorite For New Pope - Just think what a black Pope will do to people's minds!

07 • Wonder Woman Fan Film Shows Us What The TV Show Could Have Been - Another blow to DC and their attempt to duplicate Marvel magic, where the fans outdo the billion-dollar studios.

06 • ‘Executive Chef’ At Camden, New Jersey Charter School Makes $95,000 A Year - In a city filled with crime, there's still some white collars getting away with it too.

05 • This Black Hole Spins At (Almost) The Speed Of Light - Not bad for something that weighs more than two million times more than our sun.

04 • Miss Delaware Teen USA Resigns After Porno Surfaces / Miss Teen Delaware Lies Like A Porn Star - Yeah, she says it wasn't her and resigned anyway...and then the damning evidence came out.

03 • Damon Lindelof Hilariously Goes Off On Justin Bieber's Hat On Twitter - The hat was epic...an epic awful choice.

02 • This Insane 400,000-Piece Lego Hogwarts School Is Larger Than Harry Potter Himself - I do not know from the seven books, but Legos I get, and 400,000 of them are impressive.

01 • Florida Man Swallowed By Sinkhole Under Bedroom - Yes, the most Florida of all headlines.

Something Worse Than A Miami Heat Title?

I make no secret of my love of hockey and F1, but I still pay a little attention to other sports, and agree with the general opinion, fuck LeBron James and the Miami Heat.

The whole televised jerk-off of selecting Miami when he left Cleveland is still one of the ugliest moves in modern times, and his mortal cramp in game four of the finals earned him little sympathy (especially from real athletes), plus the Miami fans are douches, so it's not without justification to have a negative reaction to their winning the championship.  But the worst is yet to come...

Porn "stars" (I use that very liberally) Sara Jay and Angelina Castro better start stretching, because they're coming in off the sidelines.  The two were pushing the #Team BJNBA tag before the start of the playoffs, and pledged to all their Twitter followers that they'd provide blow jobs if the Miami Heat won.  It's bad enough, when you think about it, to be shoulder to shoulder with an arena's worth of other scumbags that follow porn star tweets looking to get a shared batch of chlamydia, but that it's two skanks that look like they crawled out of the Florida everglades, I do not understand the draw.  At all.  Porn stars are supposed to be sexy and someone you want to have sex with.

It should be known that Sara Jay has 218,000 plus followers to Angelina Castro's 92,000, but if there were really going to be over 300,000 hummers, the CDC would be there to quarantine the proceedings...and hopefully burn the place down with everyone inside.  It will probably be a few hundred creeps living in Miami where they are who are skeevy enough to be take part in what will of course be filmed (otherwise there's no profit for it), but still, revolting.  You can thank Bobbi Eden, Vicky Vette, Gabby Quinteros, and Miss Hybrid - the original #Team BJ, for introducing the "winners get gummers" idea, after making the same claim if Holland won the 2010 World Cup (Holland lost). 

Snow Capped Mountains

Snow is not falling on the beaches as much as it used to according to the Miami Herald. Capitalizing on the research findings by the Center for the Study and Prevention of Substance Abuse at the hard-to-believe-its-a-real-college-with-the-silly-name Nova Southeastern University, Floridians don't want to keep paying high prices for low-quality blow. Um, duh! Still, Miami's partiers are also turning to prescription pills instead of nose candy.

And now, a blockquote from the Miami New Times 2005 series on the Miami cocaine trade for some historical perspective:

"The amount of money produced by Miami's coke industry in the Eighties was unlike anything ever seen in the nation's history. So much cash was pouring into town from the wholesale and retail sectors of the trade that its sheer bulk presented logistical problems for the banks enthusiastically and unquestioningly accepting it. The U.S. Treasury Department made a couple of startling calculations: A full-size suitcase stuffed with twenty-dollar bills could hold roughly a half-million dollars, yet many millions were being deposited every day. How to count it all? Also this: Analysis indicated that, in 1978 and 1979, the United States' entire currency surplus could be ascribed to Miami-area banks."

“The cocaine trade became synonymous with the city through pop culture. In 1983, Scarface immortalized the glamour and danger of the criminal business through Al Pacino's character Tony Montana, whose violent takeover of a Miami cartel turned him into a cult hero. Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989, made a hero of a white sport-coated Don Johnson as he battled drug criminals funded by the big-money cartels. Later, the 2006 documentary Cocaine Cowboys became a runaway hit as it rehashed the coke scene's over-the-top glamour and violence. Crime novels by Elmore Leonard and Carl Hiaasen, set among the Miami underworld, also helped popularize the scene."

Even at $40 per gram for an inferior product, people are turning to the increasingly (medically) legal marijuana and prescriptives for their buzz in Florida. But in Colorado, they're still skiing.

A routine traffic stop led to the discovery of 220 pounds of cocaine, which is worth about $10 million on the street. Don't ask how I know that. Mark Bailey and Lisa Calderon were arrested in Pueblo after a patrol officer was tipped about a car making an illegal lane change on Interstate 25. What is an illegal lane change, and how big does it need to be to get someone to tip off a cop? Like switching across 5 lanes...in reverse?

The highway, about 115 miles south of Denver, has long been a drug-smuggling corridor, and Bailey's revoked driver's license didn't help. had been revoked. When the officer noticed that the back of the car appeared to be weighed down, a drug-sniffing dog was brought to the scene. A search of the trunk uncovered four black duffel bags stuffed with bricks of cocaine.

It seems like a bummer to think of the dull, subdued Colorado locale as home to the next wave of coke parties. Miami really had the beach / weather / half-naked sluts thing going to help that party vibe.

Bang Busted

What is it with animals and perverts? First it was dead exotic animal owners, now it's porn tripods with a third world village's livestock.

Frighteningly endowed Raul Armenteros (aka Ramon from Bangbus.com) was arrested and charged with 22 counts of animal cruelty this week. Police were called to the scene in Miami after witnesses said they heard the sound of a child crying coming from inside a van parked there. Instead, they found eight roosters, four guinea hens, four pigeons, four goats and a duck. The goats were tied up inside plastic bags, and one was dead. Armenteros and James Arroyo later arrived and both said they owned the animals.

When you think about it, it's no surprise that they found the endangered animals - he's been putting chicks in danger in the back of vans for years.

Florida, The Final Frontier?

Sunrise, Sunset

How do you get to Sunrise, Florida? Not on Google maps.

For almost a month, the city didn't exist on the interweb search engine. Whenever anyone searched for Sunrise, they were re-directed to Sarasota, which is 200 miles away. H4x0r by the Sarasota Chamber of Commerce?

Believe it or not (but do), this is the 3rd time that Sunrise and it's 90,000 inhabitants has disappeared from Google Maps. The local businesses in have felt the aftereffects of not being searchable on Google saying that business was down during the month because quite simply, no one could find them. Hmmm, maybe it's a plot by the folks at the Yellow Pages?

The worst part is, there's been no official word from google as to why the town keeps disappearing and reappearing. Does Google just hate that state? Is it possible it's the teleporting mountain from Krull? Now Florida is finally cool!

Señor Blood

Mauricio Mendez Lopez was discovered by his niece holding a knife and drinking a glass of his roommate's blood after killing him in their Florida home. I guess this whole vampire fad really has gone too far.

Mirella Mendez says that when she came upon Lopez, he was standing near where Macario Luna Cruz lay dead on the floor. Lopez was said to have laughed, raised the glass in the air, and told her, "This is my secret." It may end up less a case of vampirism, than something that was inspired by Mexican folklore: Mendez told police that if you drink the blood of the person you kill, you won't be arrested for the crime. And I thought believing in the chupacabra was stupid! It clearly didn't work out that way for Lopez, who was arrested later that evening.

Sure, Mexican culture is the equivalent of being the retarded kid at school, but if that doesn't fire you up, wait'll you hear about the situation that led to the crime...

Lopez and Cruz lived together, and Cruz was married to one Lopez's nieces. Cruz then started to have an affair with Mendez, who is also Lopez's niece and the sister of Cruz's wife. Huh? The cherry on top was that this happened in Florida - it's like a shitty jackpot! Why are two men living together when one of them is married, and the wife doesn't live there? Stop asking questions - of course it defies logic! When Lopez discovered the relationship in late July, he threatened to kill them if it didn't stop. And...it didn't. Over the weekend, Lopez stabbed Cruz's brother and then went to the apartment they shared and killed Cruz. Sadly, everybody else lived.

A Perfect Murder, Florida Style

This story has everything that screams Florida - a tattoo shop, gay porn stars, a married former prostitute, and a brutal killing. Brilliant! Let's meet the characters...

Jason Andrews: a bisexual Chicago DJ, (mysteriously) with a British accent, and participant in countless gay porn videos.

Amanda Logue: a married, bleach-blond Georgia woman, who once owned a lingerie shop, dabbled in prostitution, and had a burgeoning porn career.

Dennis "Scooter" Abrahamsen: a Tampa based tattoo shop owner and totally annihilated victim.

Police say the pair killed Abrahamsen May 15 and swiped $6,000 cash, his credit cards and a video camera. Abrahamsen had hired Logue, who is better (albeit slightly) known as Sunny Dae (her credits are Amateur Lesbian Lovers, Foot Fetish Femdom Ballbusters, MILF Next Door 11, and Sexxxy Amateurs) — to work at a sex party at his house. Andrews and Logue traded dozens of text messages about their homicidal plan, police said, such as:

"Just get him on his face either bash or tell me to get in and. Where to go." (Andrews)

"K I'm horny! I'm getting him to play music" (Logue)

"Wicked. Ill just be waiting. Really. Take. Your. Time." (Andrews)

Together, they stabbed and bludgeoned Abrahamsen to death with a sledgehammer.

According to their Twitter accounts, Logue and Andrews spent several weeks in Florida in April and May shooting porn videos, and Logue's Facebook account pictures show the pair grinning and hugging. Text messages retrieved from Andrews' phone show the couple discussed vinyl gloves, when other guests would leave Abrahamsen's home and what was inside a safe. The pair were arrested three days later in a neighboring county after trying to use Abrahamsen's credit card at Home Depot.

Just another wonderful day in Florida!

Rate My Stupidity

A Florida (of course!) man was arrested and briefly jailed for posting a local police officer’s home address online. Well, it was RateMyCop.com. Really.

“Just because I posted it, I got arrested. It wasn’t like it was the Pentagon Papers,” Robert Brayshaw (35) said. Yes, just point out your crime isn't as big a deal. Soon, murderers can go free as long as it's not more than two dead.

Genius spent nearly three hours in jail and was prosecuted under a 1972 statute making it unlawful to publish personally identifying information of a police officer. Eventually, a federal judge declared the First Amendment trumped Florida’s law meant to protect the privacy of police officers, and now Florida and Tallahassee authorities must pay $60,000 in damages and legal fees to Brayshaw and his ACLU lawyers. That'll come in handy since he's unemployed, and added it's been difficult to get a job because of his 2008 arrest. Not because he's too dull to have common sense.

Brayshaw had a beef with the officer regarding a trespassing flap in which he was not charged, ignorantly admitting she “basically had her information listed publicly in the phone book," as justification. He posted to the site, uses public-records requests to gather the names and, in some cases, badge numbers of thousands of uniformed cops at police departments around the country, and allows users to post comments about police they’ve interacted with.

Brayshaw posted anonymous comments about Officer Annette Garrett, as well as her name and home address — information not normally cataloged by the site. He wrote that Garrett was rude to him when investigating a trespass call at an apartment complex he was managing. “This is the dumbest case in America,” he said, not realizing how dumb it is to post a policeman's personal info on the web.

The authorities subpoenaed RateMyCop and Brayshaw’s internet service provider to learn his identity, then booked him under the Florida law — a misdemeanor carrying up to a year in jail. The case was later dismissed against Brayshaw for procedural reasons, but his balls were just too huge after skipping on a technicality, so he sued, claiming the statute chills his speech. The First Amendment does not protect "true threats, fighting words, incitements to imminent lawless action, and classes of lewd and obscene speech," said the judge, and did not feel that publishing an officer’s phone number and address is "in itself a threat or serious expression of an intent to commit an unlawful act of violence." It's not there so strangers can send a thank you note.

Some cops are real fucking jerks, but if you've got a grudge, that's the last group you want to pick a fight with.

Captain America Arrested With Burrito In Pants

Yep, that's the real headline of the news article. Florida? You betcha!

Doctor Raymond Adamcik (54) was arrested on charges of battery, disorderly conduct, drug possession and trying to destroy evidence. And having a burrito in his pants. That's not a crime, but with the other charges, it's shameful.

The family physician was at On Tap bar as part of a pub-crawl with other medical professionals. It was a sort of costume party on a bus that would take them around from bar to bar. Everything was fine (if you consider a bar full of wasted doctors in costume) until, witnesses said, Captain America started getting too forward with a burrito he kept tucked inside his blue tights, asking women if they want to touch it. When one refused, he allegedly took out the burrito and groped her.

The woman called police and, when they arrived, the officers wrote in their report "there were so many cartoon characters in the bar at the time, all Captain America's were asked to go outside for a possible identification." Adamcik was identified, the offending burrito in his boot. When he was taken to the police station, he tried to flush a joint hidden in his tights down the toilet.

It was a cheap $2,000 cash bail, but once he got out of jail, he still stopped to pose for pictures on the way out. It is unclear right now whether the doctor could lose his medical license if he's convicted. Adamcik was checking himself into a rehab program and taking a temporary leave from his medical practice.

That was three years ago, and there's been little info since then, but the story - and the photo, frame a moment in time that is perfect.

Meatslappin'

A 53-year-old woman was arrested after allegedly hitting a man in the head with a raw steak. Do I need to add this happened in Florida?

According to a Marion County Sheriff's Office report, the man told deputies Elsie Egan repeatedly hit him with the uncooked meat and slapped his face after he refused a piece of sliced bread. The man said he wanted a bread roll. Yep, that's beef hitting provocation!

Egan denied hitting the man with the steak but did admit to slapping him, saying she did it "so that he could learn." No, that's not a stretch to put a hunk of meat in that slapping hand.

The man told deputies that Egan was his live-in girlfriend. He declined medical assistance. Egan was charged with abuse of a disabled adult. According to records, she was released on $2,500 bond and is scheduled to appear in court. It's unclear if she has an attorney, but it is clear that to call "her" a girlfriend shows the man is disabled in some capacity.

C9nnibal Flower Weekend

The big thing this weekend (other than enjoying a 4th day of 100 degree heat in a downtown warehouse to work on Saturday) is the 9 year anniversary of Cannibal Flower. Funny that ever since I started working downtown, CF started to jump locations monthly instead of sitting conveniently close down the street.

It's been a real pleasure taking in some amazing underground art as well has having MAGNA perform in a space what is truly suited to our artistic approach to music. Knowing many of the artists who have shown there as well as owning several pieces that have had the fortune of being displayed, it will be nice to celebrate the accomplishments of Cannibal Flower with them, knowing that the underground is still alive and well after almost a decade. That news alone is the best of the week.

Not good enough? Fine, how about this:

Police in Florida city used the promise of economic stimulus checks to lure 76 people to their arrest on a variety of outstanding warrants. You're a horrible place, but you actually did something right. The Fort Lauderdale Police Department set up "Operation Show Me the Money" to round up people wanted on charges ranging from second-degree murder to guns and drug charges to failure to pay child support. "Operation Arrest College Kids At Spring Break" was such a success, but really only gave the department one solid win a year.

Using the name of the fictitious "South Florida Stimulus Coalition," police mailed letters asking the suspects to call an undercover phone line and make appointments to claim their money. When they showed up at an auditorium and presented their identification, they were led to an area where uniformed police were waiting to arrest them. Police said such roundups are safer and more efficient than serving warrants at people's homes. "You totally control the environment whereas when you're walking up to someone's home there's an unknown factor there," police said obviously.

The operation ended this week, and authorities declined to say how much money the suspects were offered. "They were not large dollar amounts," they said. "No one was promised thousands of dollars." And that's what made it believable for Florida - stimulus checks for $62.35.

Worst of the week: Trouble brewing in Malaysia! (chortle!)

I know that there's not many (any?) hardcore Islamic readers of this site, but if there are, could you please tell me why all the countries where your theocratic governments and zealot societies can't see the church from the state have insane punishments for the most harmless of actions?

Kartika Sari Dewi Shukarno had originally been scheduled to enter a women's prison, but was abruptly turned around and sent home. She was to be lashed six times with a rattan cane...for drinking a beer.

Beer, wine and liquor is widely available at shops, bars and restaurants in Malaysia, unlike in more austere Islamic nations such as Iran and Pakistan. The Christians, Hindus, Sikhs and other minorities in Malaysia are free to consume alcohol but its Shariah law forbids Muslims — who make up 60% population — from drinking. Islamic morality police, the enforcement officials of the Islamic Religious Department, arrested Kartika in a raid for drinking beer at a hotel lounge at a beach resort in December 2007. The sentenced caning will be carried out after the current Muslim fasting month of Ramadan, largely in part to the Attorney General's office advise to delay it for "compassionate reasons". Ramadan began Saturday and will end in mid-September.

So to recap, in a country where morality police operate under a governmental religious department and enforce laws that do not apply to all citizens of the country, your punishment, that could never possibly fit the crime, will be delayed and called compassionate as those who seek to initiate such asinine and absurd laws need to keep their consciences clear when they enter their most holy periods of religious fanaticism.

If you were banning Muslims from seeing the Black Eyed Peas concert for being shitty and not because of religious intolerance of anything remotely out of step with your medieval beliefs, I could maybe get behind your position. But you're batshit crazy and completely backwards. Islunatics!

Special news of the day: Silence is golden.

Late breaking news today was that DJ AM, aka a really shitty disc jockey that became a celebrity for playing records for psuedo-celebrities at supposedly hot nightclubs, died. And that suits me just fine.

Now all you stay-at-home moms who are agast at my cool moral platitudes, or morons who think Entourage is a blueprint for coolness, shut up and prepare to have some education dropped on you (like it was hot).

You should know that my shit is old school. Like hating his weak ass, no-talent act from back in the day. Since this is the Year Of Dead Celebrities, let us hope that Good Charlotte and other useless meatsticks also do their part and die to make this world better. Yes, Samuel Ronson, you too are are getting close to your fifteenth minute of inexplicable existence outside a North Hollywood LGBT club - time to die.

DJ AM was to DJing as Milli Vanilli was to singing. Or the Detroit Lions were to a perfect season. Or Republicans are to telling the truth and progressive thinking. Or Twilight is to great literature. Must I continue?

When Heath Ledger decided to accidentally OD, we lost a talented performer who gave us a taste of his abilities in the posthumous The Dark Knight Returns. When DJ AM took a little too much of his crack pipe and prescription pills (yes, that's what they found there), we lost nothing, and who leave behind a playable character in the upcoming DJ Hero videogame. Clearly, I don't feel anything bad about seeing his death as, well, not bad. Because it really shows how unimportant he was and how shallow and phoney the celebrity circlejerk realm is.

And how do we know this? Because of the twatting. Grief, can you be contained in 140 characters? Perhaps not. But all the opportunists came out to catch a slice of his dim, dead spotlight with their own poignant, touching thoughts that had to be shared publicly. You're only as important as the thread you twat on, I guess. Lohag, Titty Perry, Ashton Doucher, Scientologist Masterson, Herpes Hilton, P. Douchie, Fall Out Pete, Heidi Yawntag, and the always ineffective None Gayer Than John Mayer were only a few celebritards getting in on the action. Interesting how no real DJs have anything to say on the matter...Paul Oakenfold, Kid Koala, The X-ecutioners, Mr. Scruff, DJ Q-Bert, Cut Chemist, DJ Food, Aphex Twin, Coldcut, Amon Tobin, DJ Shadow, The Herbaliser - all quiet. DJ AM was a poseur (fancy spelling because he was an extra big douchenozzle).

The cherry on top is that DJ AM recently announced an upcoming MTV reality series, tentatively titled "Gone Too Far," which had just completed shooting. The show was designed to help young people whose lives had been turned upside down due to drug dependencies. You better make sure you got those addictions of your own in check first before you think you're capable of helping others. Credibility = zero. And my question is, does MTV air the sucker? Or do they lose their balls like sister station VH1 with their millionaire murderer?

Literally like Final Destination (and the one that adds more irony opening today - zing!), DJ AM escaped death in a plane crash, only to have it catch up with him. Travis Barker, you better watch out. If you want a cup of sorrow, feel bad about the Olympic shot putter who was gunned down in front of his home by prowlers last night, not a guy whose credits were playing pool parties in Las Vegas.

The Weekend Got Cronked

Gotta keep it short...it's my writing weekend and there's a lot to write!

Best of the week: A Colorado man used a chain saw to fight off a mountain lion that attacked him during a camping trip with his wife and two toddlers in northwestern Wyoming. Now that's a man's man!

The adult male lion, described as emaciated and showing other signs of starvation, was later killed by wildlife officials after it attacked a dog brought in to track it. Dustin Britton, a mechanic and ex-Marine, said he was alone cutting firewood about 100 feet from his campsite in the Shoshone National Forest when he saw the 100-pound lion staring at him from some bushes. The 6-foot, 170-pound Britton said he raised his 18-inch chain saw and met the lion head-on as it pounced — a collision he described as feeling like a grown man running directly into him. "It batted me three or four times with its front paws, and as quick as I hit it with that saw, it just turned away."

Only eight cases of mountain lions acting aggressively toward humans have been documented in Wyoming over the last decade. Given the animal's low body weight — male lions in Wyoming typically weigh 140 to 150 pounds — it may have attacked Britton out of desperation and hunger, thought it is unclear why the animal would be starving, since Britton's campsite, near the North Fork of the Shoshone River, was in an area heavily populated by the lion's typical prey — elk, deer and bighorn sheep.

The wounded animal retreated after Britton inflicted a six-inch gash on the lion's shoulder, leaving him with only a small puncture wound on his forearm. "You would think if you hit an animal with a chain saw it would dig right in," he said. "I might as well have hit it with a hockey stick."

After the confrontation, Britton, his wife, and two children decided to spend the night in their pop-up camper rather than risk packing up with the lion still on the loose. Because leaving and being safe isn't always worth leaving camping gear behind. The family later carried on with their vacation, camping at sites in Wyoming and Montana, looking to press their luck.

Worst of the week: Park officials say two buses have collided at Walt Disney World, leaving a dozen visitors with minor injuries. A Florida Highway Patrol report says one Disney bus rear-ended another yesterday afternoon. There were about 50 people were on both buses and the injured were taken to four nearby hospitals for treatment, where they had to wait for 20-40 minutes from that point in line. The accident comes 11 days after a 21-year-old monorail pilot died when another train backed into his train. The park's vast transit system shuttles thousands of visitors around the attraction each day, but only recently started injuring them.

And just moments ago, broadcast legend Walter Cronkite returned to the air, as an obit. Expect tributes and commentary through the weekend...

American Weekend

Given the date it's hard ignore the recent acceptable electoral results - or lack thereof, in both Honduras and Iran. It's not beneath me to comment of those events, in fact, it's quite the opposite - I'm beneath it. But as an American, let me say thank God we stomped British ass centuries ago, because it would suck to have to live in a country with political unrest and suffrage issues. Of course, Iran is hardly democratic, especially compared to Honduras, who is / isn't having a military sponsored coup, but the key issue is knowing that your elections will go off without any fraud or leadership overthrow. Other than the 2000 election theft, we've been pretty good with that too...

Best of the week: It's late breaking and there's not a lot of clear concise intelligent real details yet, but this is terrific.

"Once I decided not to run for re-election, I also felt that to embrace the conventional lame duck status in this particular climate would just be another dose of politics as usual, something I campaigned against and will always oppose," Palin said in a statement released by her office. So as soon as you didn't want to run for office again, you decided not to finish the job you were elected to? Nice follow through. College kids not thinking about grad school, just go ahead and drop out now too. Let's hope this dummy is really serious about a presidential campaign, so she can get bitch slapped even harder than the last election.

Runner up: Noted Washington Redskins H-Back and burgeoning internet “personality” Chris Cooley was driving around in Wyoming last week, because...well, that's what Chris Cooley does. He doesn’t knock up recently acquainted women or handle firearms like most football players, or even play Madden all day. Nope. Dude is in a truck driving around one of those square states on the map. He then encountered one of the three possible things one could encounter in Wyoming - a dead cow. The other two things, for the record, are living cows and extreme boredom. From Cooley’s blog:

We were cruising around on our new land in Wyoming the other day and we found an old dead cow. So we decided that we would get rid of it by setting it on fire. Needless to say, it was a success.

I hope it was a success. Can one screw up setting fire to a cow? Is there a class involved? I’m sure it’s a major at Ohio State (still hating on you for Attack Attack!).

Worst of the week (tie!): Two awesome stories of idiocy!

A 16-year-old girl in Connecticut thought she heard her mother being assaulted by her boyfriend and rounded up some friends who beat him up, only to learn later that the couple actually were having sex. One of the teens beat the 25-year-old man with a bat and others punched him, police said. He suffered a black eye and several bruises.

The girl, two 17-year-old boys and Dilyen Langdeau (above 18, so we get your identity!) were arrested and arraigned, charged with assault and conspiracy. The 34-year-old woman, Melanie Arnold, denied she was screaming, and said her daughter thought she heard a slap and believed an assault was happening. "Instead of asking what was going on, they assumed and took matters into their own hands...Now they have to learn a lesson." That lesson? Figure out what the fuck is going on before reacting.

The teens knocked on the bedroom door and Arnold opened it, according to the couple, who recently broke up (not surprisingly). The teens rushed into the room and the man, Roger Swanson, said he didn't have a chance to explain himself. He said he tried to get away, but the teens chased him down and started beating him in the house. In summary, here's the math: A 34 year old, with a 16 year old daughter, was sexing up a 25 year old, and their dirty nasty sex prompted Our Gang to lay a beating. Classic.

Meanwhile, in Florida, a pet Burmese python measuring more than 8 feet long broke out of a terrarium and strangled a 2-year-old girl in her bedroom. Shaiunna Hare was already dead when paramedics arrived.

Charles Jason Darnell, the snake's owner and the boyfriend of Shaiunna's mother, discovered the snake missing from its terrarium and went to the girl's room, where he found it on the girl and bite marks on her head. Darnell (32) stabbed the snake until he was able to pry the child away. "The baby's dead!" a sobbing caller from the house screamed to a 911 dispatcher in a recording. "Our stupid snake got out in the middle of the night and strangled the baby. She got out of the cage last night and got into the baby's crib and strangled her to death."

Authorities removed the snake alive from the home, placing it in a bag then inside a dog crate. As you can imagine, Darnell did not have a permit for the snake, which would be a second-degree misdemeanor according to the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission. He has not been charged, but investigators were looking into whether there was child neglect or if any other laws were broken.

The snake will be placed with someone who has a permit, pending an investigation into the girl's death. Because it must be allowed to kill again...hopefully the owners. The Humane Society said including that death, at least 12 people have been killed in the U.S. by pet pythons since 1980, including five children. Burmese pythons are not native to Florida, but they easily survive in the state and can reach a length of 26 feet and weigh more than 200 pounds. Some owners have freed pythons into the wild and a population of them has taken hold in the Everglades. One killed an alligator and then burst when it tried to eat it. Scientists also speculate a bevy of Burmese pythons escaped in 1992 from pet shops battered by Hurricane Andrew and have been reproducing since.

This country is great, even if most of our citizens are not.

Thursday Is For Headlines (Again)

Young Iraqi Gays Find Safe Haven In Turkey - Which I believe is that hot, new night club. Tuesdays are two-for-one drinks and the DJ on the weekend is really cute!

Got $100? Welcome To Your New Detroit Home - On second thought, I'll keep the $100. Detroit, you're always be a shithole to me.

Tom Cruise & J.J. Abrams Accept 'Mission Impossible IV' - See what they did? They made it a pun! Oh, how delightful. The real mission will be how to revive Cruise's sagging career and make us interested in a moldering franchise.

L.A. Lost: AFL's Avengers Fold After Nine Seasons - Los Angeles is again without a football team...if you count half-court indoor play football. Of all the teams to lose, couldn't it have been the Sparks?

Argentine Glacier Advances Despite Global Warming - All glaciers who give a shit about global warming please raise your hand. Didn't think so. The new Ice Age waits for no one and nothing!

Fla. City To Workers: Wear Underwear, Deodorant - Are you fucking serious? Those goddamn inbred morons are bottom feeders to the nth degree. If North Korea really is testing a rocket in our direction, skip Hawaii and aim for Florida.

Jon & Kate Set To Make 'Life-Changing' Announcement - They're going to execute that cold hearted bitch? Jon finally grows balls? Gosslin kids versus Octomom spawn in 2025? Actually, who gives a fuck about anything they say or do...

Hillary Clinton Fractures Elbow In Fall - Looks like she'll be out of the steel cage battle royale for SummerSlam. Pity too...besides her "Atomic Elbow" she delivered a mean "Secratary Suplex".

Rapist's Sentence Outrage - One year does sound a little light for raping a four year old girl. But she was totally asking for it, wearing that school girl outfit.

Danica To Decide Future After IndyCar Season - Hmmm, drive in a circle or continue to make exceptionally more money in endorsements? Tough call for a gal with 1 win in 70 races, and only 4 other podium finishes.

Dungeons & Dragons Handbooks Subject Of Lawsuits - Mythril elfin chainmail offers no bonuses against + 3 vorpal swords? Red dragon hatchlings are only worth 150 XP? I call bullshit. Where's my local constable's guild?

Fly-Killer Obama Chastized By PETA - Can we finally write off PETA as a retarded joke? It's a fucking insect, although to be fair, PETA members are equally annoying and pesky, so perhaps their aiding their own.

Miley Cyrus Surprises Ga. Fans With Impromptu Show - If you call borrowing a guitar and doing two songs on the patio of a beachside seafood restaurant a "show", then okay. I call that a distraction from enjoying my meal.

Ricky Martin's 'Heart Could Belong To A Woman Or A Man?' - So coy, and so 1999. Are we really still questioning his homosexuality? He's so queer he makes Bruno look like Bear Grylls. Go back to obscurity and South Beach.

Former NFL QB Leaf Arrested At US-Canada Border - Finally putting to rest exactly how far into obscurity he had gone. Apparently he still could get arrested...

Suicide Bomber Kills Somali Security Minister - It was either this or "Morbidly Obese Man Starves At Buffet" for the ironic story of the week. And this story killed it.

Oregon Woman Obsessed With Rabbits Arrested Again - Yes, George, she likes to pet the bunny rabbits. I guess being a Twilight fan or following American Idol just didn't fit her personality...

McCain: 'This Is A Joke' - Can you be more specific? Your candidacy? The Republican party? The existence of Sarah Palin?

Review: Playful Hunch.com Helps You Make Decisions - Get that abortion? Divorce my spouse? Thanks generic website - you're much better than a conscience!

ShamWhoops

Never break the cardinal rule of a hooker...no kissing on the mouth!

Snake oil huckster Pitchman Vince Shlomi. a.k.a. the ShamWow Guy, was arrested last month on a felony battery charge following a violent confrontation with a prostitute in his South Beach hotel room. The Smoking Gun (as always) has the details:

According to an arrest affidavit, Shlomi met Sasha Harris (26) at a Miami Beach nightclub on February 7 and subsequently retired with her to his $750 room at the lavish Setai hotel. Shlomi told cops he paid Harris about $1000 in cash after she "propositioned him for straight sex." Shlomi said that when he kissed Harris, she suddenly "bit his tongue and would not let go." Shlomi then punched Harris several times until she released his tongue. The affidavit, a copy of which you'll find here, notes that during the 4 AM fight Harris sustained facial fractures and lacerations all over her face (she is pictured here in mug shots snapped following (surprise!) busts in 2008 and 2005).

After freeing his tongue, a bleeding Shlomi ran to the Setai lobby, where security summoned cops. Harris refused to cooperate with officers, who recovered $930 from her purse. "Both parties had a strong odor of an alcoholic beverage emitting from their persons," police reported. In a brief telephone interview, Harris declined to answer TSG questions about her run-in with Shlomi, though she did say she is considering a lawsuit against the pitchman. Asked if she worked as a hooker, Harris declined comment. As seen in the below mug shot, Shlomi was also injured during the fracas and, court records show, was treated at Mount Sinai Medical Center. While Shlomi and Harris were both arrested for felony aggravated battery, prosecutors this month declined to file formal charges against the combatants.

It wasn't that Julia Roberts was uptight in Pretty Woman, she just stuck with the hooker code. You can put anything you want in a hooker's mouth except your tongue. Sadly, Shlomi did not follow the cardinal rule of being a john - kill the prostitute.

Fail Like You Mean It

Sorry Scarlett, but Wisconsin's new state slogan is already inspiring something...and it's not exactly unanimous praise.

Gov. Jim Doyle said Mothe state will use "Live Like You Mean It" to promote Wisconsin as a tourism and business destination, replacing the slogan "Life's So Good." I don't think that's what the advertising and creative types call "an improvement". Yes, that is a technical term. Additionally, motivational speakers, authors and even spirit maker Bacardi have already used the phrase in marketing campaigns.

Critics who aren't thrilled the state is adopting their slogan may oppose its attempt to get federal trademark protections on it or even take legal action. "They are not going to get a federal trademark. I just wanted to let them know that," said Ellyn Luros-Elson, with all the power of a dietitian who co-authored a 2006 book by that name. "It doesn't make sense the state is going to use something they know has already been put out there."

The state's brand manager, Sarah Klavas, said the Department of Tourism thoroughly vetted the phrase before introducing it and is confident there will be no trademark infringement. She said the state applied for a trademark with the U.S. Trademark and Patent Office and is awaiting approval. A legal review, which included hiring an outside firm, turned up no problems and she noted that multiple entities can use the same phrase as long as they are promoting different items. The Department of Tourism plans to use the new phrase in advertising campaigns and is encouraging other state agencies to follow suit.

"This is another tool we'll use to keep loyal visitors coming back, communicate why a business should relocate or expand here, and let talented employees know why they should choose Wisconsin," Doyle said. Because clearly all of those just scream "Live like you mean it"! Coming up with the slogan and accompanying logo — which shows a silhouetted figure doing a cartwheel across letters spelling out Wisconsin — wasted cost $50,000. The money came from the department's annual $10 million marketing budget, which shows that they could have used some of that other $9,950,000 to improve that shitty slogan.

A University of Wisconsin-Madison law professor (naturally) said they doubt the state would have legal problems. As long as there is no risk that consumers will confuse the state's marketing with someone else's, the likelihood of problems is low. Given the term's widespread use, another UW-Madison professor was surprised the state was seeking trademark protection, since a quick web search revealed broad use in the public domain.

At least five trademarks covering the term's use are active, according to a U.S. Trademark and Patent Office database. Companies are using the term to promote real estate, clothing, and other merchandise; one headed by retired NFL great Bill "I ended the career of a teammate by punching him so hard in the face from my 'roid rage that it crushed his orbital bone" Romanowski deploys it to market dietary supplements and energy bars. Bacardi dropped the trademark in 2008 after using the term in its print, television and in-store advertising for years. The company has no plans to bring back the slogan, which is far more fitting a boozy night with sluts than an entire land mass, and does not oppose Wisconsin's use.

Others who use the term say it's premature to talk about potential legal action but aren't ruling it out. A lawyer in Kentucky registered the phrase as a trademark in 2007 for a local real estate developer who sells condominiums and student housing, and would "absolutely" be reviewing the state's plans. That's also the position of a personal development trainer from the New England area who uses the term as the title of her program, and palns to release an audio CD and a book using the slogan.

Here are some of the new proposed mottos for other states

California: "Close To Becoming The New Mexico, But We're Not Yet"

New York: "You Better ♥ NY As Much As Us Or We'll Be Even More Obnoxious If You Don't"

Texas: "Homophobes On The Range"

Oregon: "When Northern California Isn't Goofy Enough"

Arkansas: "Yokel's Paradise"

West Virgina: "Almost Fully Paved City Roads And Indoor Plumbing"

Florida: "America's Asshole"

Delware: "Really, We're A State"

Nebraska: "Bleak All Week"

Maine: "Oregon Of The Northeast"

Ohio: "Goodbye-O!"

New Mexico: "Don't Confuse Us With California"

You Want Fries With That?

Herr Docktor will enjoy this as much as I did.

A Vero Beach man (Florida, surprise!) faces a domestic violence charge after authorities said he assaulted his girlfriend with a cheeseburger. A sheriff's arrest report said a 22-year-old man and his girlfriend got into an argument as they sat in a car in front of their home.

The report said the man would not let the woman out of the vehicle, so she threw his drink out of the car. In response, the man allegedly grabbed her arm and smashed the cheeseburger into her face. The pair got out of the car, and authorities say the man again took the McDonald's sandwich and put it on her face.

The man was released on $1,000 bond. Florida was released from having to have any sense of decency or class.

Weekend Edition

Some of the headlines from over the weekend...because we may not post, but we still follow the news.

Kin outraged, distraught over teen's cyber suicide - Only in Florida do they refer to a family as "kin". How appropriate.

British may ban 'happy hour' as drink deaths rise - And still, no plans to institute a general dentistry program.

Panda in China zoo bites student who wanted a hug - Call it a hug, with a little something extra for a dumbass.

Hunter's bullet grazes 2 kids at Mich. day care - Better luck next time...you may actually bag one of them.

Ohio police nab possible 'Granny Robber' suspect - "Granny Panties" suspect still at large

US: Financial woes no excuse in funding Afghan war - Not even recession can stop warmongering!

Astronauts face hardest spacewalk to finish repair - What, in the freezing cold zero gravity of space, how much more difficult can it get?

Google empowers users to edit search results - Yes, it's called "do another search"

HIV tests not yet as routine as cholesterol checks - then again, high cholesterol isn't being transmitted through unprotected sex, needle sharing, or blood transfusions.

Teen lives 4 months with no heart, leaves hospital - My ex lived for longer without a heart, and you don't see a news story on her, do you?

MTV launches African music awards - Because what Africa needs are MTV awards, not the prevention of genocide, famine, poverty, civil war, or AIDS.

Jimmy Connors arrested in Santa Barbara - It's been so long since he was newsworthy, but apparently, he could get arrested.

Australia outback mayor wins annual sexist award - What's wrong with being sexy?

Obese have right to two airline seats - Great, they get a second seat free, and they're going to want double the snacks next!

To turn the tide on piracy in Somalia, bring justice to its fisheries - Yes, the age old pirates-vs.-fisheries argument.