Ketchup Was An Accomplice

Fast food is bad for your health, but is it legally dangerous?

James Hackett is facing a felony assault charge after allegedly throwing an order of "hot and oily" McDonald's french fries at his 11-year-old stepdaughter, according to the Lowell, MA police.  The girl was not harmed in the incident, but the report stated the action "could cause burning to skin and eyes."

After stopping by McDonald's, Hackett and the girl's mother were reportedly arguing about money in the car when the girl interject in an attempt to get the two to stop fighting. Hackett then allegedly "picked up the container of french fries he had just purchased, which were hot and oily, and threw it at [the girl], striking her in the face and chest area."  He reportedly left the residence on a motorcycle after they returned home from McDonalds, and was later tracked down after his wife called the police.  The official charge "is assault and battery with a dangerous weapon to wit french fry."

Really, Lowell Police Department?  Fuck you.  We'll have to wait for the pre-trial conference August 10 to make sure the city's attorneys have not also lost their mind and dismiss the whole thing.

Bring A Knife To The One Armed Fight

A one-armed horseman is asking Maine lawmakers to allow "amputees like him" to carry switchblade knives, which are otherwise illegal. Like him? Exactly how many one-armed horse riders are there in Maine who want switchblades?

Paul Dumas Jr. of Mexico, Maine (really?) says that with only one arm, he can't react quickly enough in emergency situations - like at an equestrian event he attended a few years ago. What kind of emergency? A rumble between opposing jockey gangs? For your information, he lost his other arm to an electrical accident as a teenager. I'm going for the ironic guess that he stuck a metal utensil in a socket...

"This is very selfish," said Dumas, who currently is forced to use folding knives like the rest of we able-bodied folk.  Or maybe he meant he's being selfish - that makes more sense. "I'm tired of opening knives with my teeth." Look, jerk - just because you have the name of the guy who wrote about musketeers doesn't mean you need to be cavorting about like a gay blade.

Maine statutes prohibit possession and distribution of spring-loaded blades, but federal law does allow an exemption for possession and transportation on federal property by a person with one arm, provided the blade itself is less than 3 inches long. And now Dumas has a State Representative working to build a similar exemption into state law that would apply all over the state, not just on public property

Neither the State Assistant U.S. attorney or the aforementioned Representative is aware of any other states that have or are seeking such exemptions, nor has the government relations coordinator for the Amputee Coalition of America, which represents 2 million people with limb loss agreed. So Paul Dumas should get his own law just to make him happy, right?

Dumas owns four horses, and "likes to carry a knife when riding — just in case". According to him, having a non-folding sheath knife would pose a danger if he fell (unless it was still in it's sheath, dumbass), yet insists on having a knife. "I would not go on a trail ride without a knife." Well, tough shit.

Dumas' Waterloo was when a horse got tangled in rope and fell to the ground some years ago at a horseback skills event. Someone called out, asking whether anyone had a knife to free the struggling animal. "I did have a folding knife that I carried on my belt," Dumas said. "If I had been closer, I would have been the one with a knife." So I guess we need to change the law so that one guy is less inconvenienced and gets to play hero. You'd think a guy who overcame a disability to ride a horse would not have as fragile an ego to need to have the chance to save the day.

Watery Suckhole

For hundreds of years, people off the coast of Maine have noted a large whirlpool known as "Old Sow." It's the biggest whirlpool in the western hemisphere, and exhibits a lot of weird behaviors (including making pig noises).

Though said to be named the "Old Sow" whirlpool because it makes sounds like the grunts like a pig, it is more likely that it was actually the "olde sough" or "old drain", according to Atlas Obscura. Pronounced suff, over the years the pronunciation of the Dutch word probably shifted to "sow" (much like the word plough, pronounced pluff, turning to plow) as did the spelling and backstory of its name. (Other smaller nearby whirlpools are now known as "piglets.")

The whirlpool is caused by the enormous tides and bathymetry of the ocean floor in the area, and while it is one of the largest in the world with a diameter of around 250 feet, however the speed of its vortex does not come close to being one of the fastest. The water turbulence, while rarely a danger to larger boats, can be dangerous to man powered craft and exhibits some strange water phenomena, such as standing waves, "boils," "spouts," "troughs," "dishes," and "holes." Yes, technical terms like "holes" require quotes.

Here's a video of Old Sow in action.

Technical Weekend

Gonna be screwing around with computers and software and mixing this weekend while Scarlett hits the big events around town...kinda appropriate if you ask me.

Best of the week: An applicant was been rejected in his bid to become a police officer for scoring too high on an intelligence test. Dumb cop jokes about to replace the long time go-to "Policeman's Ball"?

Robert Jordan (49), who is a college graduate, took an exam to join the New London police (Connecticut), in 1996 and scored 33 points, the equivalent of an IQ of 125. But New London police interviewed only candidates who scored 20 to 27, on the theory that those who scored too high could get bored with police work and leave soon after undergoing costly training. So Mr. Jordan did what most people would do - he launched a federal lawsuit against the city. And lost. If he was as smart as I (and I have the scores to back it up), he'd have retaken the test and deliberated scored lower to make the cut.

The 2nd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals upheld a lower court’s decision that the city did not discriminate against Mr Jordan because the same standards were applied to everyone who took the test. He said, “This kind of puts an official face on discrimination in America against people of a certain class. I maintain you have no more control over your basic intelligence than your eye color or your gender or anything else.” I disagree. You have the capability, but reaching that potential is up to you.

He said he does not plan to take any further legal action and has worked as a prison guard since he took the test, so I guess it all worked out. He still got his uniform and can cavity search or beat felons. BTW, the average score nationally for police officers is 21 to 22, the equivalent of an IQ of 104, or just a little above average. Now are you glad they're the ones with the guns and law on their side?

Worst of the week: And speaking of guns, about a dozen people carrying guns, including one with a military-style rifle, milled among protesters outside the convention center where President Barack Obama was giving a speech earlier this week — the latest incident in which protesters have openly displayed firearms near the president. Since when was this a good idea?

Gun-rights advocates say they're exercising their constitutional right to bear arms and protest, while anybody else with an IQ above a shell casing see it as a disaster waiting to happen.

Phoenix police said the gun-toters at Monday's event, including the man carrying an AR-15 semi-automatic rifle slung over his shoulder, didn't need permits. No crimes were committed, and no one was arrested. Which is the problem. Not the lack of arrests, but the legality.

The man with the rifle declined to be identified but said that he was carrying the assault weapon because he could. "In Arizona, I still have some freedoms," he said. Yes sir, you do...but do you believe for a second that this would have gone on or been remotely tolerated when the Bush / Republican White House was running the show? He'd have been making that statement from Guantanamo.

Phoenix police who monitored the man at the downtown protest also wanted to make sure no one decided to harm him. "Just by his presence and people seeing the rifle and people knowing the president was in town, it sparked a lot of emotions...We were keeping peace on both ends." Try to keep more of it on the presidential side.

Last week, during Obama's health care town hall in Portsmouth, N.H., a man carrying a sign reading "It is time to water the tree of liberty" stood outside with a pistol strapped to his leg. How the fuck is that not a threat? "It's a political statement," he told The Boston Globe. "If you don't use your rights, then you lose your rights." Police asked the man to move away from school property, but he was not arrested. Are you ready for President Biden?

Arizona is an "open-carry" state, which means anyone legally allowed to have a firearm can carry it in public as long as it's visible. Only someone carrying a concealed weapon is required to have a permit. A Secret Service spokesman said armed demonstrators in open-carry states such as Arizona and New Hampshire have little impact on security plans for the president, but plans don't mean shit once somebody fires a few rounds. Representatives of the National Rifle Association did not return calls for comment, because how do you spin the 2nd Amendment to cover your right to assassinate the president?

Runner up: On Monday, the always awful OMG! had this to report:

So imagine the surprise when you follow the link and discover:


You idiots wouldn't even make it in Connecticut as a cop. Try not to act shocked - their idea of big news story is "Jon Gosselin to Throw a Las Vegas Pool Party", and report "Heidi Pratt Claims to Have Had "20-30 Orgasms" in a Single Day" I think they mean oranges...sounds about right.

Worst Of The Bunch

It was a long weekend, and not that I'm hungover or tired or shirking my responsibilities (okay maybe a little after 4300+ words last night for one chapter), but I just don't see a story worth delving into.

Xinjiang riots? Nah. Donavan McNabb Steve McNair and Robert McNamara? Double obit will take twice as long. 'Three's Company' star cited for drunken driving? Too easy. How about "Woman Allegedly Pranks Her Grandma 45 Times In Day"? Is that even a story? Who cares, sounds interesting!

A 21-year-old woman faces felony charges after allegedly prank-calling her 69-year-old grandmother 45 times in one day, threatening to kill her. The woman faces five felony counts including harassment. A criminal complaint said she told police she was "bored" and "wanted to have some fun."

The woman and a 20-year-old friend, also facing charges, allegedly called the older woman on February 5th and said "I'm gonna kill you," "You're going to die" and "I'm watching you."

Police officers answered some calls for the grandmother and heard a female caller make threats. The criminal complaint said the suspect told investigators she wanted to scare her grandmother but didn't want her dead. She said she knew it was wrong but not illegal.

Wow, 21 and fucking with your Nana instead of getting drunk. Damn, you were bored.

American Weekend

Given the date it's hard ignore the recent acceptable electoral results - or lack thereof, in both Honduras and Iran. It's not beneath me to comment of those events, in fact, it's quite the opposite - I'm beneath it. But as an American, let me say thank God we stomped British ass centuries ago, because it would suck to have to live in a country with political unrest and suffrage issues. Of course, Iran is hardly democratic, especially compared to Honduras, who is / isn't having a military sponsored coup, but the key issue is knowing that your elections will go off without any fraud or leadership overthrow. Other than the 2000 election theft, we've been pretty good with that too...

Best of the week: It's late breaking and there's not a lot of clear concise intelligent real details yet, but this is terrific.

"Once I decided not to run for re-election, I also felt that to embrace the conventional lame duck status in this particular climate would just be another dose of politics as usual, something I campaigned against and will always oppose," Palin said in a statement released by her office. So as soon as you didn't want to run for office again, you decided not to finish the job you were elected to? Nice follow through. College kids not thinking about grad school, just go ahead and drop out now too. Let's hope this dummy is really serious about a presidential campaign, so she can get bitch slapped even harder than the last election.

Runner up: Noted Washington Redskins H-Back and burgeoning internet “personality” Chris Cooley was driving around in Wyoming last week, because...well, that's what Chris Cooley does. He doesn’t knock up recently acquainted women or handle firearms like most football players, or even play Madden all day. Nope. Dude is in a truck driving around one of those square states on the map. He then encountered one of the three possible things one could encounter in Wyoming - a dead cow. The other two things, for the record, are living cows and extreme boredom. From Cooley’s blog:

We were cruising around on our new land in Wyoming the other day and we found an old dead cow. So we decided that we would get rid of it by setting it on fire. Needless to say, it was a success.

I hope it was a success. Can one screw up setting fire to a cow? Is there a class involved? I’m sure it’s a major at Ohio State (still hating on you for Attack Attack!).

Worst of the week (tie!): Two awesome stories of idiocy!

A 16-year-old girl in Connecticut thought she heard her mother being assaulted by her boyfriend and rounded up some friends who beat him up, only to learn later that the couple actually were having sex. One of the teens beat the 25-year-old man with a bat and others punched him, police said. He suffered a black eye and several bruises.

The girl, two 17-year-old boys and Dilyen Langdeau (above 18, so we get your identity!) were arrested and arraigned, charged with assault and conspiracy. The 34-year-old woman, Melanie Arnold, denied she was screaming, and said her daughter thought she heard a slap and believed an assault was happening. "Instead of asking what was going on, they assumed and took matters into their own hands...Now they have to learn a lesson." That lesson? Figure out what the fuck is going on before reacting.

The teens knocked on the bedroom door and Arnold opened it, according to the couple, who recently broke up (not surprisingly). The teens rushed into the room and the man, Roger Swanson, said he didn't have a chance to explain himself. He said he tried to get away, but the teens chased him down and started beating him in the house. In summary, here's the math: A 34 year old, with a 16 year old daughter, was sexing up a 25 year old, and their dirty nasty sex prompted Our Gang to lay a beating. Classic.

Meanwhile, in Florida, a pet Burmese python measuring more than 8 feet long broke out of a terrarium and strangled a 2-year-old girl in her bedroom. Shaiunna Hare was already dead when paramedics arrived.

Charles Jason Darnell, the snake's owner and the boyfriend of Shaiunna's mother, discovered the snake missing from its terrarium and went to the girl's room, where he found it on the girl and bite marks on her head. Darnell (32) stabbed the snake until he was able to pry the child away. "The baby's dead!" a sobbing caller from the house screamed to a 911 dispatcher in a recording. "Our stupid snake got out in the middle of the night and strangled the baby. She got out of the cage last night and got into the baby's crib and strangled her to death."

Authorities removed the snake alive from the home, placing it in a bag then inside a dog crate. As you can imagine, Darnell did not have a permit for the snake, which would be a second-degree misdemeanor according to the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission. He has not been charged, but investigators were looking into whether there was child neglect or if any other laws were broken.

The snake will be placed with someone who has a permit, pending an investigation into the girl's death. Because it must be allowed to kill again...hopefully the owners. The Humane Society said including that death, at least 12 people have been killed in the U.S. by pet pythons since 1980, including five children. Burmese pythons are not native to Florida, but they easily survive in the state and can reach a length of 26 feet and weigh more than 200 pounds. Some owners have freed pythons into the wild and a population of them has taken hold in the Everglades. One killed an alligator and then burst when it tried to eat it. Scientists also speculate a bevy of Burmese pythons escaped in 1992 from pet shops battered by Hurricane Andrew and have been reproducing since.

This country is great, even if most of our citizens are not.