Pigs In A Steel Blanket

Americans have a new way to offend the world's Muslims, dead or alive.

Jihawg Ammo sells boxes of gun cartridges that are made with pork products, which they think are deterrents to potential terrorists (y'know, because they don't eat pork because of their religious beliefs). "With Jihawg Ammo, you don't just kill an Islamist terrorist, you also send him to hell," the company's press release state. "That should give would-be martyrs something to think about before they launch an attack. If it ever becomes necessary to defend yourself and those around you our ammo works on two levels." Brendon and Julie Hill, who developed the technology for the cartridges with his wife, started the company as a tongue-in-cheek way to stand up to radical Islamic terrorists. "We're having some fun with it," Hill said. "It's the proverbial middle finger back to political correctness."

Since they launched their website this Spring, the Hills "have been inundated with orders" for their custom cartridges, which retail for about $20 for a box of cartridges, but did not release sales figures.

I'm pretty sure Muslims do not believe in hell, and certainly not the Christian place purchasers think they're going to shoot them into. And unless you can well the info over your gunfire, or you're in a gun battle in a Jihawg Ammunition factory, I doubt there's much fear or a threat to them.

Bane Of The Intelligent

It's been forever since the talking heads from the red state mindset have been relevant, let alone newsworthy, but from the shitheap that Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity fester in, the grandaddy of right-wing mouthpieces, Rush Limbaugh, has decided to make sure there's nothing intelligent or relevant he has to say.  Here's from the moron himself:

"Have you heard this new movie, the Batman movie, what is it, The Dark Knight Lights Up or whatever the name is. That’s right, Dark Knight Rises. Lights Up, same thing. Do you know the name of the villain in this movie? Bane. The villain in The Dark Knight Rises is named Bane, B-a-n-e. What is the name of the venture capital firm that Romney ran and around which there’s now this make-believe controversy? Bain. The movie has been in the works for a long time. The release date’s been known, summer 2012 for a long time. Do you think that it is accidental that the name of the really vicious fire breathing four eyed whatever it is villain in this movie is named Bane? 

So, anyway, this evil villain in the new Batman movie is named Bane. And there’s now a discussion out there as to whether or not this is purposeful and whether or not it will influence voters. It’s gonna have a lot of people. This movie, the audience is gonna be huge. A lot of people are gonna see the movie, and it’s a lot of brain-dead people, entertainment, the pop culture crowd, and they’re gonna hear Bane in the movie and they’re gonna associate Bain. The thought is that when they start paying attention to the campaign later in the year, and Obama and the Democrats keep talking about Bain, Romney and Bain, that these people will think back to the Batman movie, 'Oh, yeah, I know who that is.'  There are some people who think it’ll work. Others think you’re really underestimating the American people to think that will work."

Yep, you're right...and holy fuck, if you are somebody who hears that and agrees, you should have your right to vote revoked due to your massive, permanent brain damage.

Gathering Time

You'll Wish It Was Over

 

I was at the gym doing my workout, and they have a music video channel running on one of the televisions, which also plays in the building. Thankfully, I had my headphones in, but when I saw this, it was just too ridiculous not to post. It's like a Jersey Shore Artie Lang made a music video. And when I actually heard what it sounded like...holy fuck. This is one of the worst things I've seen and heard in quite some time.

Ketchup Was An Accomplice

Fast food is bad for your health, but is it legally dangerous?

James Hackett is facing a felony assault charge after allegedly throwing an order of "hot and oily" McDonald's french fries at his 11-year-old stepdaughter, according to the Lowell, MA police.  The girl was not harmed in the incident, but the report stated the action "could cause burning to skin and eyes."

After stopping by McDonald's, Hackett and the girl's mother were reportedly arguing about money in the car when the girl interject in an attempt to get the two to stop fighting. Hackett then allegedly "picked up the container of french fries he had just purchased, which were hot and oily, and threw it at [the girl], striking her in the face and chest area."  He reportedly left the residence on a motorcycle after they returned home from McDonalds, and was later tracked down after his wife called the police.  The official charge "is assault and battery with a dangerous weapon to wit french fry."

Really, Lowell Police Department?  Fuck you.  We'll have to wait for the pre-trial conference August 10 to make sure the city's attorneys have not also lost their mind and dismiss the whole thing.

No Plans Yet For The Fourth? Then Visit Slab City!

What The Market Values

German artist Heinz Schulz-Neudamm created the poster for Fritz Lang's 1927 masterpiece Metropolis, and didn't live long enough to see it sell for a record $690,000.  Guess how much it's expected to fetch when it gets sold again?

Earlier this year, the illustration was appraised at $250,000 as part of a bankruptcy filing by it's previous owner (hint - if you're not paying hundreds of thousands for a a poster, you won't be bankrupt), but when it went up for sale in March, the list price was $850,000 - and some appraisers believe it could be the first poster to sell for $1 million.  Not bad for what is considered "the crown jewel of the poster world."

But look at it this in context: yesterday, are rare original copy of Abraham Lincoln's vampire hunting checklist Emancipation Proclamation was auctioned of for slightly more than $2 million. Though that is the second-highest price ever paid for a Lincoln-signed proclamation (after one owned by Robert Kennedy that went for $3.8 million in 2010), and is one of only 25 copies in existence, it basically says that a cool movie poster from 90 years ago is half as valuable as a document that ostensibly ended slavery.  Thanks, America!

Lazy Drinkers

Six teenagers have shown up in two San Fernando Valley emergency rooms in the last few months with alcohol poisoning after drinking hand sanitizer.  Fuck, kids are stupid.

Public health officials are worried this is the start of a dangerous trend, though I see it as a great way for Darwinism to take effect. Some of the teenagers used salt to separate the alcohol from the sanitizer to convert it into a potent drink similar to a shot of hard liquor. But I wonder how they can figure out how to distill their hand-wipe moonshine but not actually get their hands on actual liquor.

Liquid hand sanitizer is typically 62% ethyl alcohol and is the equivalent of 120-proof liquid, and follows other over-the-counter items like mouthwash, cough syrup and vanilla extract that kids have tried to get wasted on.  Most people are too young to remember to foolish attempts to get high smoking banana peels or when modeling glue was good for a huffing, but I'm disappointed in the youth of today who have to come up with stupid ways to get loaded when there's medicine cabinets and wet bars a plenty at home.  I still look back fondly on Herr Docktor's parents who chained the liquor cabinet closed...and how he would undo and redo the links to get in...

The Fleecing Off Figueroa

The Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum has a bigger problem than not attracting a professional football team to play there.

Employees for the Coliseum Commission vigilantly brave illness to report to work...and then cash in those giant chunks of unused sick leave. And we're not talking a few bucks, but thousands of dollars.  Interim General Manager John Sandbrook used the sick leave allotment from his University of California administrator career to boost his annual pension by $655 a month for life - and he's who they hired to curtail sending abuses at the stadium!  He replaced Patrick Lynch, who left with more than nine years of accrued sick time, adding $1,630 annually to his retirement benefits.  But it doesn't stop there.

Sandbrook, Lynch and other managers are tied to an array of what can best be summarized as  financial irregularities in how the stadium has been run, which according to an LA Times report include "lucrative side dealings, suitcases of cash for a union agent and perks such as luxury cars, massages and golf outings for select staff".  I'm surprised they haven't been on the mayor's boat.  Many of these "managers' perks" were kept in place for months after he took the helm, and why not?  With his padded sick days, raises and stipends, Sandbrook gets close to $390,000 a year, so he's got no concept of managing the city and county's money responsibly.

And don't look to Coliseum Finance Director Ronald Lederkramer to help - he had amassed sick time valued at close to $11,000 (over 20 weeks worth) when he left last year.  And beyond that, he received thousands of dollars in payments from the Coliseum in recent years for medical costs that he said were not covered by insurance.  So outside of actual insurance, having a city job that syphons off taxpayers is the best insurance.  City Controller Wendy Greuel has withheld that sick time check pending an inquiry.  Sandbrook's office listed Lederkramer's status as "retired/pensioned," but  if he quit or was fired it would make him ineligible for a sick-leave check. 

This is just another small piece of a larger picture of financial mismanagement for the city and state.  Its only going to get uglier as more of these come to light.

Fetal Corpse Syndrome

Last week, I put on my floaties and waded out into the deep end of the Lake of Fire to show anything but sympathy for the dead baby of The Duggars, and now I think I'm justified in my contempt for that family.

Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar made a spectacle of their dead baby at a memorial service, which was in conjunction with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, a "non-profit organization that helps families deal with the miscarriage and loss of their babies" - by taking photos of their dead babies.

Shockingly, pictures of Jubilee Shalom Duggar that were supposed to be taken for the family to keep and use at the memorial service somehow "got released" without the Duggars consent.  Sure they did.  And maybe they shouldn't distributed them to the hundreds of people attending the memorial in Springdale, Arkansas.  Or pose for publicity photos like the one above.

If you want to see tiny dead hands and feet being held, you can check out this link.

Douchebagborn

When geeks fornicate, good decisions can not be guaranteed.

Megan and Eric Kellermeyer, who quantify themselves as a "gamer couple", determined their due date was 11/11/11, the same day as the release of the much-anticipated next chapter in the Elder Scrolls series, "Skyrim".

Having read a post on game developer Bethesda's blog suggesting that expectant parents consider naming their child "Dovahkiin", which means "Dragonborn" in the Skyrim world, they decided to prove they were unfit to be parents.

The post had the been made as a joke, with a disclaimer noting "Bethesda Softworks is not responsible for your parenting", but the company later added incentive to their sociological test. Anyone willing to name their child Dovahkiin would receive every one of the developer's games free for life, on top of other unnamed goodies. Wow, what's that come to over the expected lifespan of that company, maybe a dozen games at $50 each, and a few hundred dollars worth of tees and promo materials? Yeah, that's a fair trade.

Last Friday, Dovahkiin Tom Kellermeyer was born, and two assholes sold out their kid's life for some swag. In future news, Dovahkiin Kellermeyer was wanted in connection to the violent bludgeoning murder of his parents, Megan and Eric. Motive was not confirmed, but police suspected it was some form or retribution for years of scorn and taunting over his name.

Land Of The Free And The Home Of The Strange

" [Stanley] explains “adult baby” role playing as a way of blowing off steam from a stressful day of work. Except that he doesn’t have a job. Neither does Sandra. They both receive Social Security disability benefits for unspecified reasons and use their free time to run an adult baby internet support group and building custom-made baby furniture that can support Stanley’s weight."

Welcome To Bizzaro World

People magazine has named Jennifer Lopez the World's Most Beautiful Woman. Damn, that's the most narrow world view ever...

Lopez has been included 10 times prior before taking the top honor. Yes, this doughy 41-year-old is absolutely the most beautiful woman in the world. Okay, you know I don't mean that. She's not even the most beautiful 41-year-old in the world. Monica Bellucci has move than five years on her and looks infinitely better. It's just another terrible sign that American media would rather whore themselves out to gain favor with a celebrity rather than have a shred of dignity or honest reporting.  Because you can guess what magazine is going to have an exclusive interview with her once American Idol wraps it's season.

Tub Of Illegality

"When Neil Brown got high on dangerous chemicals, he took his skinning knife and slit his face and stomach repeatedly. Brown survived, but authorities say others haven't been so lucky after snorting, injecting or smoking powders with such innocuous-sounding names as Ivory Wave, Red Dove and Vanilla Sky." Yes, the new drug menace is aromatic bath salts. Are you fucking kidding?

Some say the effects of the powders are as powerful as abusing methamphetamines, and authorities talk of banning their sale!  How will secretaries relax after a hard day of work? Emergency calls are being reported for over-exposure to stimulants the powders often contain: mephedrone and methylenedioxypyrovalerone, aka MDPV.  They can cause hallucinations, paranoia, rapid heart rates and suicidal thoughts, which, coincidentally I look forward to in a dunk in a nice warm tub.

Mississippi lawmakers this week began considering a proposal to ban the sale of the powders, and a similar step is being sought in Kentucky. In Louisiana, bath salts were already outlawed by an emergency order after the state's poison center received more than 125 calls in the last quarter of 2010 involving exposure to the chemicals.  There are all kinds of horror stories about bath salts, like this tale of a doctor's son: Dr. Richard Sanders said his son, Dickie, snorted some of the chemicals and endured three days of intermittent delirium. Dickie Sanders missed major arteries when he cut his throat. As he continued to have visions, his father tried to calm him, but the elder Sanders said that as he slept, his son went into another room and shot himself. Sanders warns the substances are far more dangerous than some of their brand names imply.  Yeah...if you snort, smoke or inject them rather than let them dissolve in water that you soak in.

Its always the dumb motherfuckers who use things wrong that ruin it for everybody else.  Let's make cars illegal because some people get killed when others drive recklessly.  That's not what they're supposed to be used for, but we need to take things away from people for their own safety.  Correction - things need to be taken away from you and I because other morons can't used them properly.  I hope every idiot who gets high on bath salts kills themselves.

Now Lunch Is Ruined

I don't believe she has a boyfriend, but I'm certain she has Chili's comp tickets.

...And On The Seventh Day, We Were Still Stupid

A new Gallup poll has confirmed what I have known for quite some time - Americans are stupid lot who contaminate society with their irreparably damaged gene pool, and should be kept from breeding.

A poll released December 17 reveals that 40% of Americans still believe that humans were created by God within the last 10,000 years. That means four out of 10 people should not be allowed to reproduce. Can we even take comfort that the number is down from a previous high of 47% in both 1993 and 1999?

Another 38% believe that humans have "evolved from more basic organisms but with God playing a role in the process", while 16% of the respondents feel that humans have evolved with no divine guidance ("secular evolution"). However, this number has nearly doubled from nine percent of respondents in a poll from 1982.

Aside from driving me crazy, the poll also revealed confirmed the long known notion that beliefs in creationism and evolution are strongly related to levels of education attained. When looking at respondents with college degrees, only 37% maintained belief in creationism, while belief in evolution without the aid of God rose to 21%. Wow, there are a lot of shitty colleges out there that are not doing their job if they have that many graduates buying into creationism.

And to no one's surprise, Republicans (52%) outweigh Democrats and Independents (34%) in buying into the Bible and not biology. Those who attend church on a weekly basis believed in creationism far more than "secular evolution" - 60% to a mere 2% (those must be the boyfriends dragged there). For those who rarely or never attend religious services, the numbers are practically the reverse.

It's just like last year's poll on Darwin - terrifying data about how this country is barely clinging to the intelligence to keep if functional.

Shitty Justice

We can all sleep better tonight knowing that one of our great modern crimes has been solved!  Look out JonBenet's killer - you're next!

Ingmar Guandique, who was already imprisoned for attacking two female joggers, was found guilty of murdering Washington intern Chandra Levy some nine years ago. For those who don't recall, Levy's disappearance crushed congressman Gary Condit's career as their romantic link became public fodder during the year-long search to find her remains.

The fascinating part to the conviction is the lack of direct evidence from prosecutors, who got their man by impressing the notion that Levy's death fit a pattern of other crimes committed by Guandique in the park.  Yep, it seems like he could have done it, so that's good enough these days.  Suck it, habeas corpus!

Let me try to make it clearer if it hasn't sunk in: even though they had no eyewitnesses and no DNA evidence linking Guandique to Levy, and Guandique never confessed to police, they convinced a dozen dumb motherfuckers this guy did it.  How?  The testimony of Armando Morales, former cellmate of Guandique, who allegedly confided in him that he killed Levy. That's incredible when you think about how Condit's DNA was on underwear at Levy's apartment, and there's not a speck of Guandique's DNA to be found...guess those CSI shows better change their format and get with the times!

Is it worth pointing out that DNA from an unknown male found on Levy's black running tights matched neither Guandique nor Condit?  Nah...that can easily be explained away by prosecutors' claim that the DNA was the result of contamination during the testing process.  Funny how that wasn't "contamination" nine years ago...

Morales said Guandique was worried about being labeled a rapist by fellow inmates if word got out that he was a suspect in the Levy case. According to Morales, Guandique admitted killing Levy as part of an attempted robbery, but said he never raped her. Morales has not received any benefit for his testimony...yet (don't be surprised if prosecutors seek to reduce his jail time in the future).   Also presented was testimony from two women who were attacked by Guandique in May and July of 2001 in Rock Creek Park, where Levy disappeared. In both cases, Guandique attacked the women from behind while they jogged on isolated trails but ran off after each woman fought him off. Hmmm...I guess he did it.

There's no doubt that Guandique is a criminal scumbag and deserves prison, but I'm pretty sure that guilt by association isn't actual prosecutable, legal guilt.  Well, at least until now.

Juggalos Have Gathered

You had the preview, now here's the review:

Rimception

Big Brother Is Watching...And Saving

Ever since it was developed, federal agencies have defended body scanning that looks under your clothes by saying the images are disposed of immediately. C'mon, you don't really trust your government, do you?

As it turns out, the the US Marshals Service has saved tens of thousands of body scan images from a checkpoint at a Florida (of course!) courthouse. And you don't really think they're the only ones? This follows an earlier disclosure by the TSA that it requires all airport body scanners it purchases to be able to store and transmit images for "testing, training, and evaluation purposes." Yeah, testing out different jerk-off material. The agency says that those capabilities are not normally activated when the devices are installed at airports. Normally.

The Electronic Privacy Information Center, a Washington D.C.-based advocacy group, has filed a lawsuit asking a federal judge to grant an immediate injunction pulling the plug on TSA's body scanning program. It was in a separate lawsuit that EPIC obtained their smoking gun letter from the Marshals Service that showed the "devices are designed and deployed in a way that allows the images to be routinely stored and recorded".

The letter acknowledged that "approximately 35,314 images...have been stored on the Brijot Gen2 machine" used in the Orlando, FL federal courthouse. The machine uses a millimeter wave radiometer and accompanying video camera to store up to 40,000 images and records - and according to the manufacturer can even be operated remotely: "The Gen 2 detection engine capability eliminates the need for constant user observation and local operation for effective monitoring. Using our APIs, instantly connect to your units from a remote location via the Brijot Client interface."

EPIC's lawsuit says that the TSA should have announced formal regulations, and argues that the body scanners violate the Fourth Amendment, which prohibits "unreasonable" searches. The TSA maintains that body scanning is perfectly constitutional: "The program is designed to respect individual sensibilities regarding privacy, modesty and personal autonomy to the maximum extent possible, while still performing its crucial function of protecting all members of the public from potentially catastrophic events."

A TSA spokeswoman said that the agency's scanners are delivered to airports with the image recording functions turned off. "We're not recording them...I'm reiterating that to the public. We are not ever activating those capabilities at the airport." Thanks, Sari Koshetz - America can sleep better on your word.