Hollywood Magic

Hosts of The View - Julie Chen, Sharon Osbourne, Sheryl Underwood, Sara Gilbert, and Aisha Tyler, with and without makeup. Ewww...

Browmarked

Kentucky baller Anthony Davis is expected to be the top draft pick in the NBA next week, but he won't be the best groomed.

Davis has trademarked his unibrow, which gained attention as his school made their national championship run,  "I don't want anyone to try to grow a unibrow because of me and then try to make money off of it," Davis said. "Me and my family decided to trademark it because it's very unique." I don't know that you can trademark bad decision making, but Davis has trademarked the phrases "Fear the Brow" and "Raise The Brow."  Could this work?  Back in 1988, then-Los Angeles Lakers coach Pat Riley trademarked the phrases "3-peat" and "three-peat," in anticipation of the team winning three consecutive championships.  I haven't heard of big 3-peat cash getting paid out on it, but he's covering his bases...

Davis refuses to trim the unibrow because, "everyone's talking about it" - thought I think he ought to be listening to what they're actually saying.  The athlete recently signed on with the Wasserman Media Group, and already has stars in his eyes.  "I might have a commercial where I'm acting like I'm shaving it and then I'll throw the razor down," he said.   Sorry to break it to you, but that's the opposite of a commercial, and no company is going to pay to endorse not using it's products.

With all the money pro players make, why would you make yourself look like a transsexual just to get a few more dollars out of your own trademark?

The Worst Of All Worlds

The operative catchphrase in the garment industry is "jegging" - as in jean legging.

Monster's Ball

New York has had it's share of disasters this last week, including the mega-blizzard and pre-NYE decent of Ryan Seacrest on the town, but they have been spared one of the most horrific evils of them all - Snooki.

MTV's plan to put the Jersey Shore troll-whore inside a ball to drop from the network's Times Square headquarters has been nixed after objections by the group that oversees the world-famous celebration. You can insert your own joke about all the balls that have been dropped on her, but really, who wouldn't want to see a giant ball come crashing down with her in in?

As it turns out, Snooki will still drop in as part of "The MTV New Year's Bash", and the stunt will be done in Seaside Heights, N.J. "We love our  Times Square home," MTV said, "and while we're disappointed there won't be a Snooki ball drop there, she cannot be denied!" Yes, it's hard to deny a five-foot tall pig covered in bronzer.

You can thank the Times Square Alliance, who maintained the purity of their annual gala, which has evolved to lining people up in gated pens for up to eight hours before the famed dropping of the illuminated ball. If you're a glutton for punishment, you can watch MTV for the pig ball drop, as well as other highbrow entertainment like a collective fist pump in hopes of setting a world record.

Royalties Are Owed To Tim And Eric

Seriously, this doesn't exist without them.

She's Got That X-Factor (Not Really)

Does England have a Jersey Shore? Or is it just being on the Atlantic creates trash?

Chloe Heald, aka "Chloe Mafia" or "Chloe Victoria" as she called herself on television, goes by "Candy" when she advertises herself on a British escort site. Candy is a "100% English Yorkshire dirty slut", and her most recent sex ad was posted a few days before she appeared on The X Factor.

Allegedly, her asking price was $250/hour or $1600/night, but after her appearance, she's up to $400/hour or $2400/night. Chloe maintains the stories are false and that she is merely a private dancer. Hmmm, I think the 19-year-old is really a prostitute, and that it's said she's been arrested 140 times and has a two-year-old daughter doesn't change my mind. Sometime the proof is in the Yorkshire pudding...or videos of her doing coke and being deconstructed from her nasty whorebag state.

Juggalos Have Gathered

You had the preview, now here's the review:

If Only The Song Were 1/10th As Interesting As The Video

Lady Gaga is clearly more style than substance as proven by this video homage to Tarantino. The song ruins it, so you may want to just play something else entirely. It may hurt your ears, but it will engage your eyes.

Mountain Weekend

Snowboarding in fresh powder, listening to some choice tunes on my headphones - that's my weekend. And yours?

Best of the week: In 1998, Andrew Wakefield, a gastroenterologist at London's Royal Free Hospital, published a study in the prestigious medical journal Lancet that linked the triple Measles, Mumps and Rubella (MMR) vaccine with autism and bowel disorders in children. The study - and Wakefield's subsequent public statements that parents should refuse the vaccines - sparked a public health panic that led vaccination rates in Britain to plunge and set off a wave of anti-vaccination hysteria that has been championed by D-listers and celebrity parents.

Wakefield's study has since been discredited, and the MMR vaccine deemed to be safe. And now medical authorities in the U.K. have also ruled that the manner in which Wakefield carried out his research was unethical. The General Medical Council ruled that Wakefield acted "dishonestly and irresponsibly" during his research and with "callous disregard" for the children involved in his study. Wakefield, who now heads an autism research center in Austin, Texas, described the decision as "unfounded and unjust." He added that he had "no regrets" over his work.

The General Medical Council, which will now decide whether to revoke Wakefield's medical license, highlighted several areas where Wakefield acted against the interest of the children involved in the 1998 study. It criticized Wakefield for carrying out invasive tests, such as colonoscopies and spinal taps, without due regard for how the children involved might be affected. It also cited Wakefield's method of gathering blood samples - he paid children at his son's birthday party $8 to give blood - and said that Wakefield displayed a "callous disregard for the distress and pain the children might suffer." The panel also criticized Wakefield for failing to disclose that, while carrying out the research, he was being paid by lawyers acting for parents who believed their children had been harmed by the MMR jab.

The panel's ruling follows a refutation of Wakefield's research from the scientific community. Ten of 13 authors in the Lancet study have since renounced the study's conclusions. The journal has said it should not have published the study in the first place, and various other studies have failed to corroborate Wakefield's hypothesis. Despite this, the effects of the media frenzy surrounding Wakefield's research continue to be felt in Britain. Vaccination rates among toddlers plummeted from over 90% in the mid-1990s to below 70% in some places by 2003. Following this drop, Britain saw an increase in measles cases at a time when the disease had been all but eradicated in many developed countries. In 1998, there were just 56 cases of the disease in England and Wales; by 2008 there were 1,370.

Despite assurances from various health bodies that Wakefield's study was seriously flawed, he still has a dedicated following among parents concerned about a rise in autism rates in the U.K. and U.S. - the cause of which has so far baffled health experts. At least one of the myths is no longer clouding the attempt to solve the mystery.

Basically, to sum up: suck it Jenny McCarthy!

Plus: A Southern California man has been arrested on suspicion of posing as a federal marshal to kidnap a distant cousin's wife and put her on a plane to the Philippines.

Wearing a fake badge and a shirt imprinted with "U.S. Federal Agent," Gregory Denny, turned up at the Hemet home of Craig Hibbard, a distant cousin, on January 15. Displaying what turned out to be a pellet gun, Denny reportedly handcuffed Hibbard's wife, Cherrie Belle, and told the couple she was being deported. Denny allegedly drove Belle (28), to the U.S. Customs and Border Protection station in Murrieta.

When he was told there was no warrant for her in the computer system, Denny apparently returned to the couple's house and instructed her husband to purchase a ticket for her online to her home country. Police were told Denny drove the woman to San Diego International Airport, where he flashed his fake badge to get through security. He allegedly escorted her to the departure gate, uncuffed her and watched her board a plane to San Francisco en route to Manila, where she remains.

When Hibbard reported the matter, police reached Denny by telephone and asked him to come into the station for questioning. Denny arrived wearing the "U.S. Federal Agent" shirt, identified himself to police as a U.S. marshal and verified the family's general account of what happened. "This person is not and never was employed by the U.S. Marshals Service, and as far as we can ascertain, has never been employed by any law enforcement agency in any capacity," the Hemet Police Department said in a statement.

Police arrested Denny last month on suspicion of kidnapping, false imprisonment, impersonating a peace officer, burglary and false arrest. He was released the next day on $50,000 bail and is expected in court February 16. The Riverside County district attorney's office is considering whether to file charges, and Hemet police also notified the FBI, U.S. Marshals Service, U.S. Customs and Border Protection and the Transportation Security Administration.

Three days after Hibbard's wife was put on the plane, Hibbard said, he called the U.S. Marshals Service and was told that Denny was not an agent. He called Hemet police. Hibbard said that his wife is five months pregnant and that they have been married for three years. He said she canceled her green card last year in a dispute with him, saying she wanted to go home to the Philippines. The couple later reconciled and she tried to renew her immigration documents. Hibbard said they were told by immigration officials in San Bernardino that she was allowed to remain in the U.S. while her application was being processed.

There is no clear motive except, but it is said that Denny "felt he was doing a 'favor' for the family, and that they, the family, wanted her deported," according to authorities.

Also: Actor Rip Torn was so intoxicated when he broke into a Connecticut bank carrying a loaded gun that he thought he was home, taking off his hat and boots and leaving them by the door, according to court records. Winner!

He was wearing the same battered boots Monday when he was arraigned on several charges after spending the weekend in a police holding cell near his hometown of Salisbury. Torn, who did not enter a plea, was released on $100,000 bond a few hours. He was given probation last year in a Connecticut drunken driving case and allowed to enter an alcohol education program. He completed the first stage of that program. He also has two previous drunken driving arrests in New York.

Torn is accused of breaking into the Litchfield Bancorp branch through a window Friday night in Salisbury, where officers responding to an alarm found him wandering in the lobby and nearly incoherent. According to court records, Torn was disoriented, reeked of alcohol and asked the state police troopers repeatedly why they were taking him out of his home.

Officers found a loaded .22-caliber revolver in Torn's pocket and a breath test showed his blood-alcohol content as 0.203% — more than twice the 0.08 legal limit for driving in Connecticut. Torn is charged with criminal trespass, carrying a gun without a permit, carrying a gun while intoxicated, burglary and criminal mischief. His case was transferred to a court in Litchfield that handles more serious cases because of the weapons charges.

Torn remembers nothing of that night. Though you have to give the guy a break...he was in The Beastmaster.

And: A Muslim prayer leader accused of encouraging his followers to commit violence against the U.S. government was shot 20 times during an FBI raid at a suburban warehouse last fall, according to an autopsy report. What happened - they run out of bullets?

The autopsy was completed a month after Luqman Ameen Abdullah's death, but police were granted a delay in releasing the results while they investigate the October 28 shooting. The FBI says agents were trying to arrest Abdullah at a Dearborn warehouse when he resisted and fired a gun. Abdullah (53) died instantly - you better beleive it.

Abdullah's body was handcuffed and on the floor of a semitrailer when his investigator arrived at the shooting scene. "You cannot tell by the gunshot wounds whether he was lying down, standing up, sitting" when he was shot, reporters were told by the FBI. "It is impossible to say which one was the fatal gunshot wound. It was a combination of gunshot wounds." A FBI spokeswoman added anyone subject to an arrest warrant is handcuffed "no matter what the circumstances" for the safety of agents and the public.

Abdullah, also known as Christopher Thomas, was the imam of a small mosque in Detroit that served mostly black Muslims. At the time, he and 11 allies were being pursued for federal crimes, chiefly conspiracy to sell stolen goods in an FBI sting operation. The FBI says Abdullah was spreading a radical anti-government ideology that called for an Islamic state within the U.S.

A lawyer for Abdullah's family, questioned the FBI's tactics. "A lot of raids are conducted when a suspect has a gun. That doesn't mean you shoot them 20 times." Actually, you do. Because America needs to have a harder look to the rest of the world. you try and start a holy war in our backyard? Sorry, that's two dozen rounds you'll be absorbing. Listen To Henry Rollins' "World Peace" riff on Think Tank and you'll agree: "I think we're getting a little too soft, a little too plump. I think we're going to be sitting in our easy chair with the satellite remote when they come to kill us."

Best picture of the week:

slightly more than just a hobby

Best bonus links:
• Pet Owner Killed By Dogs After Saving Them from Death - Would you beleive they were starving before they were rescued?

• Charlize Theron Splits With Beau Of 9 Years - And I'll take the rebound...even if she doesn't have that black Aeon Flux 'do.

• This Is Gross / Pete Wentz Is Unemployed / This Is Getting Sad(der) - As always, WWTDD kills it.

• Sen. Brown: I'm Not Against My Daughters Posing Nude - You know something? Neither am I.

• Only Living American WWI Vet Turns 109 In West Virgina - His best film pick? Avatar (duh).

• Exotic Cobra Bites Woman In Baltimore Shopping Center Parking Lot - "The woman...had been in a shopping center parking lot when she bent down to pick up what she thought was a stick." What? Why? Lady, you're so stupid you deserved that bite.

• Los Angeles County Declines To Force Condom Use In Porn Films - Good, because I was about to decline to watch them if that was the case.

• Mother And Infant Shot Out Of The Sky - And there's video? Damn right this is getting posted!

• HIV / AIDS Drug Puzzle Cracked - Time to fuck!!!

• Twins Different DNA Sparks Parents Divorce -

• SNL Did Greasy Sax Man - Mainstream television gets a meme!


Worst of the week: Goblin "Miley's little sister" Cyrus (aka Noah) is the result of a monster fused with a child prostitute.

And now, she is teaming up with her bestie Emily Grace Reaves (9) to launch a clothing line for Ooh! La, La! Couture. The line will be called the Emily Grace Collection but both girls will wear the designs on their YouTube series Noie & Ems, touring with Miley and on the red carpet. This is a monumentally creepy idea and inappropriate - unless you want to have your little girl abducted because she looked like she was "asking for it".

“Emily is launching the clothing line along with her BFF and costar Noah Cyrus,” the press release states. And the pieces promise to have a “trendy, sweet, yet edgy feel.” Like underage whores. In a clip on their YouTube channel, Noah and Emily showed off their outfits to Miley backstage at one of her tour stops. Noah is wearing a tank top, black tulle skirt and argyle socks while Emily is decked out in a leopard print ensemble with fishnets. “I want one of those,” Miley says to Emily in the clip. Yeah, sure you do.

By the way, you didn't misread that - fishnets on a nine year old girl. Pedophiles of the world, rejoice!

Also: Agents for Britain's MI5 intelligence service have discovered that Muslim doctors trained at some of Britain's leading teaching hospitals have returned to their own countries to fit surgical implants filled with explosives. Least bootylicious story ever.

Women suicide bombers recruited by al-Qaida are known to have had the explosives inserted in their breasts under techniques similar to breast enhancing surgery. The lethal explosives – usually PETN (pentaerythritol Tetrabitrate) – are inserted during the operation inside the plastic shapes. The breast is then sewn up.

Similar surgery has been performed on male suicide bombers. In their cases, the explosives are inserted in the appendix area or in a buttock. Both are parts of the body that diabetics use to inject themselves with their prescribed drugs.

The discovery of these methods was made after Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab came close to blowing up an airliner on Christmas Day with explosives he had stuffed inside his underpants. Hours after he had failed, GCHQ – Britain's worldwide eavesdropping "spy in the sky" agency – began to pick up "chatter" emanating from Pakistan and Yemen that alerted MI5 to the creation of the lethal implants. Top surgeons who work in the National Health Service confirmed the feasibility of the explosive implants.

"Properly inserted the implant would be virtually impossible to detect by the usual airport scanning machines. You would need to subject a suspect to a sophisticated X-ray. Given that the explosive would be inserted in a sealed plastic sachet, and would be a small amount, would make it all the more impossible to spot it with the usual body scanner."

Explosive experts at Britain's Porton Down biological and chemical warfare research center told MI5 that a sachet containing as little as five ounces of PETN when activated would blow "a considerable hole" in an airline's skin which would guarantee it would crash.

I knew there was a reason I never liked fake boobs. Although this is a bit hysterical.

Plus: Two parties have now filed to make “The Situation,” nickname of Michael Sorrentino of MTV’s “Jersey Shore” , a registered trademark. One petition was filed by some guy in Jersey who hopes to start a clothing line; the other was filed by Sorrentino’s brother, who runs a variety of pron sites out of Las Vegas. The Smoking Gun has the actual documents, if for some reason you want to study them.

The complication here is that “The Situation” is Sorrentino’s nickname for his abs. What the fuck does that even mean? If the petition is registered, will you no longer be allowed to have abs? Are abs permissible, so long as you call them something else clearly distinguishable from “The Situation”? And if that legal mess doesn't stink enough, you can always smell like "The Situation"
Yes, he's launching his own fragrance. “The name is just, it’s pretty cool. Who wouldn’t buy a cologne called Sitch by Situation?” he told Access Hollywood, the only news "source" that cared. “It’s in the beginnings right now, but it should be coming out hopefully in the next couple months.” The Situation added that he’d be checking out scents in the coming days. “[I’m] a pretty spontaneous person. I don’t even know, as soon as I find something that I like, I’ll say, ‘That’s it! That is The Situation, and we’ll grab it.’”

Yes, we'll grab it and smash it.

And: Twenty-five years after star-studded anthem "We Are the World" raised millions of dollars to aid famine relief in Africa, "celebrities" of a different generation gathered to re-record the charity tune to benefit Haiti. I would rather burn $5 than donate it to Haiti through this shitty abortion of a remake.

Among those scheduled to perform on the revamped track the night after the Grammy Awards were Akon, Jason Mraz, Wyclef Jean, Enrique Iglesias, Usher, Toni Braxton and Lady Gaga. The session will be held at the same recording studio where the original was cut — the historic A&M complex in Hollywood.

Quincy Jones, who produced the 1985 anthem, announced last week that he planned to redo the song, because that would be easier than actually writing something unique and new. Written by Michael Jackson and Lionel Richie, who is also involved, the original "We Are the World" thundered up the charts when it was released on the radio and in record stores in March 1985. The song featured 45 superstars, including Jackson, Richie, Stevie Wonder, Tina Turner, Ray Charles, Bruce Springsteen, Diana Ross, Bob Dylan and Cyndi Lauper. Pretty much all those showing up for this recording couldn't wipe the asses of that group.

The whole thing is just lazy and uninspired, and will undoubtedly diminish the original's quality and intent. That (backwards even before the disaster) nation should be helped, but I'd rather destroy money than validate that song.

Worst picture of the week:

kill it...kill it with fire!

Worst bonus links:
• Studies Reveal Why Kids Get Bullied And Rejected - Did we need a study to tell us the kids who smell, eat their boogers, and are dumber than the others are ostercised?

• Swedish Rapper Convicted Of 2nd-Degree Murder - Eminem isn't the only white rapper who is keeping it real.

• Glamour Model Katie Price Marries Again - If your publisist has to say, "Their decision to marry has not been made with any pre-conceived commercial plan or media deal in place, and their reason for getting married is purely down to their love for each other", then I wouldn't plan on ordering the couple anything from their registry just yet.

• Haiti PM: US Baptists Knew Removing Kids Was Wrong - Who's really going to miss 33 kids from an impoverished devistated island? Besides, Jesus told them to do it.

• Sandra Bullock Poised For First Oscar - What took them so long? Oh yeah...Love Potion No. 9, The Vanishing, The Thing Called Love, Demolition Man, Speed, While You Were Sleeping, The Net, Two If By Sea, Speed 2: Cruise Control, Hope Floats, Practical Magic, Forces Of Nature, 28 Days, Miss Congeniality, Murder By Numbers, Divine Secrets Of The Ya-Ya Sisterhood, Two Weeks Notice, Miss Congeniality 2: Armed And Fabulous, The Lake House, Premonition, and All About Steve.

• Border Fence Plagued By Glitches, Long Delays - Or in other words, hurry up and take advantage of our unmaintained borders!

• Drunk Driver Had 49 Children In 16-Seat Taxi - Was that a school bus or a family reunion? Besides, kids are small anyway...they're like 1/2 a person at most.

• Iran Sends Rocket With Animal Menagerie Into Space - This is cruel and disrespectful to their women. First, Muslims put explosives in them, now they launch them into space?

• Video: Versus Believes Datsyuk, Zetterberg Have Tremendous Sex - Gaffes ahoy!

• Priest Checks Fngerprints For Mass Attendance - A little invasive, but at least that's the only thing that they're going to be examining

• Prius Brakes Questioned; Toyota Probe Expands - More legitimate, unarguable reasons to hate the Prius. Maybe that's karma for the smug pricks who drive them.

• Four Hurt In Super Bowl Stage Collapse - Now it's questionable if they'll be able to be part of the collapse on the day of the game.

An Average Weekend

Gonna rest and relax in preparation for next week's snowboarding trip...so there.

Best of the week: More than 100 Russian Orthodox believers have been hospitalized after drinking holy water during Epiphany celebrations in the eastern city of Irkutsk. Not so holy, was it?

A total of 117 people, including 48 children, were in the hospital complaining of acute intestinal pain after drinking water from wells in and around a local church last week. That's just the passion of the Christ...in the form of a bacterial parasite. Over 204 people have required some medical treatment after consuming the water, the source of which was a stagnant lake.

Many Russians consider any water obtained on Epiphany — which they celebrate on Jan. 19 — to be holy. The water is typically bottled for consumption later. With that thinking, they may as well slurp it out of puddles and toilets. By the way, tap water in most of Russia is undrinkable.

Plus: In late October, Newsday, the Long Island daily that the Dolan family bought for $650 million, put its web site, newsday.com, behind a pay wall. The paper was one of the first non-business newspapers to take the plunge. So, three months later, how many people have signed up to pay $5 a week, or $260 a year, to get unfettered access to newsday.com?

The answer: 35 people. As in fewer than a decent-sized elementary-school class.

That astoundingly low figure was revealed in a newsroom-wide meeting last week by publisher Terry Jimenez when a reporter asked how many people had signed up for the site. Mr. Jimenez didn't know the number off the top of his head, so he asked a deputy sitting near him. The web site redesign and relaunch cost the Dolans $4 million, according to Mr. Jimenez. With those 35 people, they've grossed about $9,000.

Of course, there are a few caveats. Anyone who has a newspaper subscription is allowed free access; anyone who has Optimum Cable, which is owned by the Dolans and Cablevision, also gets it free. Newsday representatives claim that 75% of Long Island either has a subscription or Optimum Cable. "We're the freebie newsletter that comes with your HBO," sniffed one Newsday reporter.

And no matter how they try to spin the fact that they're opening the site up to tens of thousands for free, traffic has fallen nevertheless. In December, the web site had 1.5 million unique visits, a drop from 2.2 million in October. The paper, which traditionally has been a powerful money maker, lost $7 million in the first three quarters of last year, according to Jimenez at the meeting. Now the paper is in the middle of a labor dispute in which it wants to extract a 10% pay cut from all employees - which was turned down by a lopsided vote of 473 to 10.

There's nothing like seeing rich people lose money in investments that are bad, backed by ideas that are poorly thought out.

Also: American Apparel - and specifically owner Dov Charney, have been heavily documented here as sleazy soft-core pornographers masquerading as a business. And their newest idea is a new low...and high.

We're looking for a brand new bum (the best in the world!) to be the new "face" for our always expanding intimates and briefs lines. The winners will be flown to LA, photographed and featured online. Send in a close-up photo of your backside wearing American Apparel panties, bodysuits or briefs for consideration and vote for your personal favorites.

You must be 18 years of age [even if you don't look it] or older to enter. Submit your photo(s) between January 28, 2010, and February 21, 2010. Two winners - selected by American Apparel judges - will be eligible to be our next butt model. The top ten contestants, as voted on by the public, will receive a grab bag of American Apparel items valued at $300.

A "contest" that includes submitting pictures of your ass in their apparel (which you can conveniently purchase if you don't have any)...pure perverted genius. You're scumbags, but I have to tip my hat at your ingenuity.

And: Italian erotic film director Tinto Brass announced that he would produce what he called the world's first-ever 3D pornographic production. If you really want that kind of action, just head to one of the remaining adult film theaters and you'll get 3-D. Possibly 4-D.

Brass, best known for his 1979 film Caligula, which he directed in collaboration with noted author Gore Vidal and magazine publisher Bob Guccione, said the time is right for 3D technologies to be used to create an erotic film. He noted that the project, which he said will be the world's first 3D erotic film, will also be the first 3D film of any type made in Italy.

Brass said that with the film he plans to "revisit an abandoned project about a Roman emperor that was ruined by Americans, and go from there," a reference to Caligula, which he has criticized because of hard-core sex scenes added during postproduction without his consent. He said he would start work on casting and the script immediately, and that he planned to start filming in May or June.

You have to figure the story can't be any less dull and predictable than Avatar, right?

Best picture of the week:

I think Leslie Nielsen wore it better in The Naked Gun

Best bonus links:
• Should The Census Offer 'Negro' As An Identity Option? - Shit yeah!

• Detective Handsome Has Cracked The Case - There's no way a gal younger than me dies from a stress related heart attack from losing an acting gig. Try a decade in the garment business and see who's got more explosive chest issues...

• NY Dairy Farmer Kills 51 Cows, Commits Suicide - Why have the cow when you can kill it and keep the milk from being free?

• Richardson Gives Kings 3-2 Comeback Win Over Wings - First win at Detroit in years, and something like the first in 27 games against them. Now three wins in a row on a five game road trip.

• Gisele: "I Gave Birth In The Bathtub" - That beats me...I just peed a little in mine.

• Cops Stop Cyclist With Butcher Knife-Pool Cue Axe - C'mon, you can't not stop a guy with a butcher knife-pool cue axe?

• Did Botox Kill Girl With Cerebral Palsy? - I don't know, but we may have found another good use for botox!

• John Edwards Says Separation 'Extraordinarily Sad' - Just like Dennis Hopper earlier in the week...how awesome of a statement is it that you'd rather fight terminal cancer alone than have to spend any more time living with someone you loathe.

• 37 killed In Baghdad As 'Chemical Ali' Hanged - It's a shame to see celebrating carry over too far. I though this was just the providence of winning sports championships.

• Many Children 'Hear Voices'; Most Aren't Bothered - Finally, there's others out there like me. The key is not paying attention to what they're telling you.

• Child Porn Suspect Is Found Dead By FBI In Whittier - Or as I like to call it, unburdening the justice system.

• Book: John Paul II Used Belt To Whip Himself - A repressed Catholic into kinky, sexual acts? What a shock...

• Ugly Truth For 'Ugly Betty': This Season It Ends - One less shitty show coming back in the fall...hooray!

• Send California Inmates To Mexico, Says Schwarzenegger - You're on the right track. How about also sending illegal immigrants back to Mexico while you're at it?


Worst of the week: As soon as CBS announced that The Who would play the Super Bowl halftime show, you had to see it coming - they're going to play all three “CSI” theme songs. and if CBS is anything, they're predictable.

Pete Townsend said, “We’re kinda doing a mashup of stuff...a bit of ‘Baba O’Riley’ [CSI: NY], a bit of ‘Pinball Wizard,’ a bit of the close of ‘Tommy,’ a bit of ‘Who Are You,’ [CSI] and a bit of ‘Won’t Get Fooled Again’ [CSI: Miami]. It works — it’s quite a saga. A lot of the stuff that we do has that kind of celebratory vibe about it — we’ve always tried to make music that allows the audience to go a bit wild if they want to. Hopefully it will hit the spot.”

Does the inclusion of “Pinball Wizard” mean CBS is working on “CSI: Special Needs Unit”? Don't put it past them.

And in a bid to keep the neighborhood safe, advocacy group Protect Our Children is sending cards to about 1500 residences near the site of Super Bowl XLIV to “alert” the community. Why? Because Townsend is registered in Britain as a sex offender, the result of being caught in the middle of a child pornography sting back in 2003. Just in case The Who would be driving down their route to the stadium from the airport and then suddenly veer off-course for a quick bite of third grader.

Also: Human remains were found near a home where investigators were searching for the body of a missing man who won millions of dollars in the lottery nearly four years ago.

You may recall Abraham Shakespeare, the 43-year-old truck driver's assistant missing since April, though not reported missing until November. He had won a $31 million lottery jackpot in 2006, opting for a lump sum payment of nearly $17 million. And now his remains have been identified. Please feign surprise that the remains were found at a home owned by the boyfriend of Dorice Moore, a "person of interest" for the sheriff, though she had not been charged.

In December, Moore told a local newspaper that she helped Shakespeare disappear, but now wants him to return because detectives were searching her home and car and looking for blood on her belongings. Moore transferred more than $1 million from Shakespeare's bank account into hers. She said the money was a gift. Hope she uses it for a good defense attorney.

Plus: Argentina's president recommended pork as an alternative to Viagra. Nothing like a country's leader talking about how well they got porked after eating some.

The highly presidential comments came as she admitted she spent a satisfying weekend with her husband after eating barbecued pork. "I've just been told something I didn't know; that eating pork improves your sex life ... I'd say it's a lot nicer to eat a bit of grilled pork than take Viagra," President Cristina Fernandez said to leaders of the pig farming industry, who were surely not expecting to hear he talk about fucking her husband.

After she ate pork, "things went very well that weekend, so it could well be true." Argentines are the world's biggest per capita consumers of beef, but the government has sought to promote pork as an alternative in recent years due to rising steak prices and as a way to diversify the meat industry. "Trying it doesn't cost anything, so let's give it a go," Fernandez said in the televised speech. I'm all for the government trying to help develop businesses, but not at the expense of having leaders talk about their sex lives publicly. You're a nation's leader, not an American Apparel ad - have some class.

And: A college student returning to school after the winter break fell victim to a "prank" at Philadelphia's airport by a Transportation Security Administration worker who pretended to plant a plastic bag of white powder in her carry on luggage.

The worker is no longer employed by the TSA after the incident this month, a spokeswoman said.

Rebecca Solomon (22), a University of Michigan student, wrote in a column for her campus newspaper that she was having her bags screened on Jan. 5 before her flight to Detroit when the employee stopped her, reached into her laptop computer bag and pulled out the plastic bag, demanding to know where she had gotten the powder. She recounted how she struggled to come up with an explanation, wondering if it was bomb-detonating material slipped in by a terrorist or drugs put there by a smuggler.

"He let me stutter through an explanation for the longest minute of my life...tears streamed down my face as I pleaded with him to understand that I'd never seen this baggie before." A short time later, she said, the worker smiled and said it was his. The worker "waved the baggie at me and told me he was kidding, that I should've seen the look on my face," she said.

A TSA spokeswoman said late the employee was no longer with the agency but did not specify whether he had been fired or quit, referring only to "disciplinary action" taken by the TSA. She also declined to identify the worker or his job title, citing privacy laws, and did not know whether his actions would be subject to criminal charges.

No wonder half the world hates us. Sometimes, we're just asking for it.

Worst picture of the week year:

Versace at it's most unfashionable

Worst bonus links:
• Edwards' Ex-Mistress Wants 'Private' Tape Returned - Part 2 of 'John Edwards is a scumbag' news. I figure she wants it back so she can sell it - what's the point otherwise. Everbody already knows you're a whore.

• Nancy Kerrigan's Brother Arrested In Connection With Father's Death - This time, Tonya Harding is in the clear.

• Ultrasound Not Foolproof - Yes, it failed to detect a 0.0003% occuring birth defect which lead to a baby without occular tissue. Nobody knows why it happened...but I'm going to put some money on the fact the mother is 15. (Yes, you also win if you guessed she's from Florida)

• NH Teacher, 100, Gets Degree A Day Before Dying - That proves having goals and something to live for really matter.

• QB Kurt Warner Retires, Ending 12-year NFL Career - No maore Jesus warrior, no more gremlin wife either.

• Usher Testifies He Saw Kansas Abortion Doc's Slaying - Dude, stop with the crappy R&B and do something about it. Oh, wait, not that Usher.

• Miramax Offices Close, Disney Says Brand Continues - Let's see how your "brand" fairs when there's no company behind it. The end of an era for indie film.

• Michelle Duggar: Recent Birth 'Was One Of The Scariest Moments Of My Life' - When you're on number 19, you should jut shut the fuck up. Scary is that you're a breeding machine.

• Stephanopoulos Learns Of Genetic Link To A Clinton - Oh my God! Can it be possible...that nobody cares about a pint-sized right talking head and and who he's possibly related to.

• Nick Cannon: Having Babies With Mariah Only Priority in Life - What a clever way to stay connected to her fortune and fame.

• Susan Boyle Gives Thumbs Up After Intruder Scare - Clearly, she frightened them away. That's one of the few times if you were to get arrested for sexual assault you'd actual be the victim.

• Breast-Milk For Haiti: Why Donations Are Being Discouraged - Because that's gross, for starters.

• Jessica Simpson Has A New Snuggle Companion - More non-news from a no-talent who spends more time oversharing than disappearing. Let's see if she can keep this one from ending up as coyote food.

• Diddy Bought His Son A $360,000 Car For His 16th Birthday - Just because he's not in the spotlight much anymore doesn't mean he's not an insufferable, pompus idiot. Looking forward to the inevitable teenage fender bender.

Pinback Weekend

Lots of rock and roll in the upcoming week, but it starts with Pinback making an appearance in town. Last time they came through Rybot and I not only caught the show, but also the "stuntman" who thought he could cross a street on a rainy night in the middle of traffic. Fortunately his F1 reflexes kept us from adding to the mess, the same can not be said of the vehicle that blasted the stuntman legs high and clipped his gal pal. No similar accident earlier in the week when Rybot caught Pinback in Colorado. We'll see what happens here. And now, stuff from this week...

Best of the week: Shoplifters of the world unite!

According to an annual survey, incidents of shoplifting rose by nearly 6% over the past year, representing nearly $115 billion in losses for businesses. And one of the more surprising findings: a growing number of new shoplifters are outwardly reputable, middle-class people who are walking off with French cheeses, quality meats, cosmetics, mobile phones, clothing and other goodies that they feel they need to maintain a quality of life they can no longer afford. Wow, we really have hit hard times of meats and cheeses are getting boosted.

"People already feeling, or merely anticipating, the negative impact of recession have taken to stealing ... at the very time retailers also suffering from the downturn have had to cut back on security staff," says the Britain-based Center for Retail Research. The findings were documented in its annual Global Retail Theft Barometer. "In addition to the usual criminals, you have lots of newcomers to stealing who figure they don't run much risk at getting caught, won't pay much of a price if they are and justify their action on the hard times we're all facing."

The researchers found that shoplifting - or what's euphemistically known as product "shrinkage" - jumped by 5.9% in the past year at the more than 1,000 retail chains the group surveyed globally. In previous years, the increase only hovered around 1.5% annually. Though the problem was documented across all regions, the steepest increases occurred in North America (8.1%), the Middle East (7.5%) and Europe (4.7%). In terms of total losses, retailers in North America topped the charts at $46 billion, followed by Europe's $44 billion and $17.9 billion in the Asia-Pacific region. In North America and Latin America, store owners and employees were the leading pilferers; in Europe, Asia and the Middle East, it was customers who were swiping the most loot.

Theft by organized criminals for the purposes of resale remains the biggest segment of shoplifting, there's been a noticeable increase in the number of middle-class people stuffing their pockets. Interviews with shoplifters and police, more than a few of these individuals regard this kind of stealing in the current economic crisis as fully justified.

Also: A Brazilian woman whose short, pink dress caused a near riot at a private college led to her expulsion now has permission to return to class.

Bandeirante University backed down on its decision to expel 20-year-old Geisy Arruda following a flood of negative reaction. Videos of students ridiculing her and making catcalls turned up on the Web and drew attention to the event around the world. Just hours after the Brazilian government demanded an explanation from the university, its dean released a statement saying he was reversing the school's decision to expel Arruda. Arruda's expulsion was condemned by Brazil's national student union, the Brazilian BAR Association, and several other institutions. The university's original decision showed "intolerance and discrimination," said Brazil's minister for women's policy.

The Education Ministry had given the university 10 days to clarify its reasoning for kicking out Arruda, who was forced to put on a professor's white coat and was escorted away by police amid a hail of insults and curses from other students. Arruda said just before the decision was issued that she was humiliated by the experience and was never warned by university officials that her dress was too racy. Is there such a thing in Brazil, home of Carnival, and where the hardest core of pron is made (yes Rio Loco and your 351 minutes of group sex, that's you).

The university published newspaper advertisements saying it expelled Arruda for disrespecting "ethical principles, academic dignity and morality." The ads also alleged Arruda acted in a provocative manner incompatible with the university's environment. That's going a bit far to take out ads, but if their lawyer's statement - "The problem is not her clothes. It's her behavior, her attitude," are really the issue, then how can behavior and attitude not expell half of a college's students at any given time? It is college...

And: A Duke University study on sex toys has raised the ire of the University’s Catholic Center director. Any story with the words "sex toys" and "Catholic" is an instant fight!

Not that he’s worried about the participants who might be breaking vows of celibacy, and doing it with handcuffs and vibrators, but Father Joe Vetter says he’s concerned that the study will encourage young women to “just sit around and masturbate” instead of hitting up singles night to track down their future husband. C'mon padre, how are they gonna hone their skills for their husband if they don't practice?

The study, being conducted by a behavioral economist and student health workers, was advertised around the Duke campus for much of October. Researchers were interested in female attitudes towards sex and sexually-themed “toys” and paraphernalia. Women filled out a survey and took part in a one-hour meeting, where they were asked to view sex toys and discuss them with other participants. As incentive to donate their time, the women were all offered a gift bag, and discounts on the items.

Student health workers say they hope the study will shed light on whether sex toys can be a useful tool in curbing campus promiscuity, which should please Papa Joe. But no! “I’m concerned about promiscuity also,” Vetter said. “And to be honest, I don’t have the solution. My concern is these students are in this developmental phase, and I don’t think it’s a good developmental practice to just tell somebody to just sit around and masturbate. I don’t think that promotes relationships.” Glad you have an opinion but nothing beyond that in way of a solution to give yourself any credibility.

It is terrific to imagine college gals firing up some scented candles and Jason Mraz while getting their battery recharges set to swap out used AAs, but as usual, the nightmares of the church (and my fantasies) are unlikely to come true. The study is already completed, but Vetter still plans to protest by speaking on the topic at mass this weekend. He’ll be preaching to the choir, since the women from the study probably have other plans for their Sunday morning.

Picture of the week:

Asian Calvin, FTW

Best bonus links:
• One Key Found for Living To 100 - Is it don't die?

• ABC Axes Hank - Guess audiences just want Frasier to be Fraiser. And they're not keeping the witches of Eastwick on their air either. Sadly my Dollhouse also got shitcanned - but at least they claim to be airing the remaining episiodes.

• Colorado Balloon Boy Parents Plead Guilty - Is the charge being irresponsible, horrible parents?

• Celine Dion Not Pregnant - There are a lot of things she's not (tolerable, interesting, etc.), but mostly, not bringing another one of these into the world.

Worst of the week: Air Jackass

First, LeBron James wants NBA players to give up their No. 23s to honor Michael Jordan.

James, who has worn 23 since he was a high school sophomore, believes players should pay tribute to Jordan for the Hall of Famer's impact on the game. I believe he should shut the fuck up and just count his millions for bouncing a ball. "I just think what Michael Jordan has done for the game has to be recognized in some way — soon. There would be no LeBron James, no Kobe Bryant, no Dwyane Wade, you name all the best players in the league right now and the last 10 years, there would be none of us without Michael Jordan." I beleive he get's that recognition in his multi-million dollar endorsements and repeat championships.

James said he has been considering the change for some time, and is willing to switch to No. 6 — his U.S. Olympic team number, and wants to start a petition to get every player in the league wearing 23 to give up the number. So what, just because you want to do it, everybody else should? Um, fuck you?

"It's time," James said. "He's the best basketball player we've ever seen. Mike does it on the court and off the court. If you see 23, you think about Michael Jordan. You see guys flying through the air, you think about Michael Jordan. You see game-winning shots, you think about Michael Jordan. You see fly kicks, you think about Michael Jordan. He did so much, it has to be recognized, and not just by putting him in the Hall of Fame." Let's elect him President of Awesomeland!

"He can't get the logo, and if he can't, something has to be done," James said, referring to the NBA logo that's modeled on a silhouette of Jerry West. "I feel like no NBA player should wear 23. Nobody. If I'm not going to wear No. 23, then nobody else should be able to wear it." I have an idea...why don't you rest that big brain of yours and try to win yourself a championship. Because only winners get to make suggestions. James must formally notify the NBA by early March if he plans to change numbers. He has not done so yet, and players generally must wear a number five years before they can apply to switch.

And if it's not LeBron tarnishing Jordan's legacy with stupid comments, it's Jordan himself. Evidence? The nasty 2010 Air Jordan.

The most obvious distinction is a massive transparent window through the middle of the shoe as a representation of Michael Jordan’s on-court prowess of “seeing through opponents”. Yes, that is the type of bullshit that only a stupid athlete can swallow coming from a marketing guy.

“The celebration of the AIR JORDAN 2010 and our 25th anniversary are the pinnacle of a year full of milestones for me,” said Jordan. “With each shoe, consumers have pushed me to take the next AIR JORDAN beyond their wildest imagination. The AIR JORDAN 2010 marks the future of Jordan Brand and proves there are no limits to what this Brand is capable of creating.” True, bad taste has no limits.

“The AIR JORDAN 2010 pays homage to Jordan’s ability to know his opponents next move while only giving hints of his ability and allowing the players to only see what he wanted them to see on the court. His keen instinct for anticipating his challengers’ next move and disguising his own techniques are just a few of the attributes that led to him being named the greatest basketball player ever to play the game.”

Let's not even hurt ourselves trying to figure out how the "transparent thermoplastic urethane window" - aka plastic, can be both homage to his seeing through opponents as well as only allowing players to see what he wants them to. It's typical marketing doublespeak for "Our idea is so goddamn dumb that we're going to make up silly, contradictory things just to distract you from how awful the product is".

Saturday, February 13, 2010 is your day to waste $170 on a stupid, ugly ass shoe.

And: The paradox of stupidity.

When the supercooled magnets in sector 81 of the Large Hadron Collider began to dangerously overheat, scientists rushed to diagnose the problem, since the particle accelerator had to maintain a temperature colder than deep space in order to work. The culprit? A bit of baguette that a passing bird probably dropped the chunk of on an electrical substation above the accelerator, causing a power cut. The baguette was removed, power to the cryogenic system was restored and within a few days the magnets returned to their supercool temperatures. But what most scientists and folks with even the smallest amount of common sense would write off the event as a freak accident, two "esteemed" physicists have formulated a theory that suggests an alternative explanation: perhaps a time-traveling bird was sent from the future to sabotage the experiment.

Bech Nielsen of the Niels Bohr Institute in Copenhagen and Masao Ninomiya of the Yukawa Institute for Theoretical Physics in Kyoto, Japan, have published several papers over the past year arguing that the CERN experiment may be the latest in a series of physics research projects whose purposes are so unacceptable to the universe that they are doomed to fail, subverted by the future. I was unaware how large the theoretical component was to that part of physics.

The 17-mile underground LHC ring was designed to smash atoms together at high energies, in part to find proof of a hypothetical subatomic particle called the Higgs boson. According to current theory, the Higgs is responsible for imparting mass to all things in the universe. But ever since Peter Higgs first postulated the existence of the particle in 1964, attempts to capture the particle have failed.

In 1993, the multibillion-dollar United States Superconducting Supercollider, which was designed to search for the Higgs, was abruptly canceled by Congress. In 2000, scientists at a previous CERN accelerator, LEP, said they were on the verge of discovering the particle when, again, funding dried up. And now there's the LHC. Originally scheduled to start operating in 2006, it has been hit with a series of delays and setbacks, including a sudden explosion between two magnets nine days after the accelerator was first turned on, the arrest of one of its contributing physicists on suspicion of terrorist activity and, most recently, the aerial bread bombardment from a bird. (A CERN spokesman said power cuts such as the one caused by the errant baguette are common for a device that requires as much electricity as the nearby city of Geneva, and that physicists are confident they will begin circulating atoms by the end of the year).

In a series of audacious papers, Nielsen and Ninomiya have suggested that setbacks to the LHC occur because of "reverse chronological causation," which is to say, sabotage from the future. That's how you explain how Congress abruptly canceled funding in 1993 and again in 2000 when scientists at a previous CERN accelerator were on the verge of discovering the particle? Pretty convenient explanation. The papers suggest that the Higgs boson may be "abhorrent to nature" and the LHC's creation of the Higgs sometime in the future sends ripples backward through time to scupper its own creation. Each time scientists are on the verge of capturing the Higgs, the theory holds, the future intercedes.

Many physicists say that Nielsen and Ninomiya's theory, while intellectually interesting, cannot be accurate because the event that the LHC is trying to recreate already happens in nature. Oops...guess they didn't theoretically think it through enough. Particle collisions of an energy equivalent to those planned in the LHC occur when high-energy cosmic rays collide with the earth's atmosphere. And some scientists believe that the Tevatron accelerator near Chicago has already created Higgs bosons without incident; they are now refining data from their collisions to prove the Higgs' existence.

Nielsen counters that nature might allow a small number of Higgs to be produced by the Tevatron, but would prevent the production of the large number of particles the LHC is anticipated to produce. Wow, another dodge in the face of logical explanasion. He also acknowledges that Higgs particles are probably produced in cosmic collisions, but says it's impossible to know whether nature has stopped a great deal of these collisions from happening. No, it's called inventing more made up theory in a realm of already nebulous field of possibilities for the sake of job security

Worst picture of the week:

A repeat for Lady fug Gaga, who channels her inner Amy Winehouse to look so hideous.

Worst bonus links:
• UK starts study on using human DNA in animals - You've late to the game they've been doing that testing in the South for decades. And the law is against it.

• Ecclestone: Button Doesn't Deserve To Be Champion - It's bad enough Bernie runs his mouth like a retard, but now his dipshit debutant daughter has started on the ridiculous comments. Never trust a trust fund baby who feels slighted from an interview.

• Levi Johnston Hits Tanning Bed Before Playgirl Shoot - This week's OMG! Idiotic Non-Story Of The Week cover's the hick sperm donor's 14th-and-a-half minute of fame. When they ask what to expect from the shoot, he replies, "You'll have to wait. I know what I'm going to do, but y'all don't." Thanks, you fucktard, we understand you're not clear on the concept of questions yet.

• Winona Ryder Resorts To Hallmark Movie - It was that or be part of that shoplifting story I guess. Did she run out of musicians to attach herself too? Ah...you had it right Johnny Depp - Wino Forever.