If Only The Fashion Police Had Real Powers

Fashion design duo Domenico Dolce and Stefano Gabbana debuted a new label for their famed line, and it's not the kind that's sewn in...it's "felon".

The pair were each given a suspended prison sentence of 20 months for allegedly hiding hundreds of millions of euros from the tax authorities. The case dates back to an investigation in 2008, when authorities began a tax avoidance crackdown which ensnared the designers. The judge ruled Wednesday that the pair sold their brand to Luxembourg-based holding company Gado in 2004 to avoid declaring taxes on royalties of about $1.3 billion.

We can argue that celebrities and the rich never truly pay for their crimes, as evidenced here, but that would only be in place of the argument about how this limp verdict spent time and money without any return, rather than see the country deal with the staggering unemployment and fiscal issues it has.

At Least He's Got The Right Wardrobe For Going On Interviews

George Zimmer, who often sold his Men's Warehouse chain in commercials saying, "You're going to like the way you look. I guarantee it", may not like the way he feels.

The executive chairman and highly recognizable pitchman was fired with no reason given by the clothing retailer. Zimmer did address the rift via a written statement, saying, "instead of fostering the kind of dialogue in the boardroom that has, in part, contributed to our success, the board has inappropriately chosen to silence my concerns by terminating me as an executive officer."

Zimmer, who owned owned 1.8 million shares of the company (3.5%), brought in spiritual leader Deepak Chopra as a member of the company's board in 2004, and pumped his own money into California's failed Proposition 19 in 2010, which would have legalized marijuana in the state. He also instituted the policy for new hires that didn't include background checks, because he believed that everyone deserves a second chance.

Company stock finished down on account of the news, but still near its 52-week high, and is up 20% since the start of the year. Does that mean the face of the brand is not going impact their profits? That remains to be seen, but it does mean that there won't be anymore commercials with him cruising around like a weird version of the Most Interesting Man In The World...those kinda sucked.

So American

American designer and clothing manufacturer Ralph Lauren will be dressing Team U.S.A. for the summer games, and captures the spirit f our nation - the goods were made in China.

Aside for drawing outrage from members of congress, U.S. fashion designers are also decrying the line, saying the athletes could have "absolutely" been outfitted in U.S.-made clothing - and for less. So how much do these uniforms cost?

Men:

Beret - $55

Tie - $125

Belt - $85

Shirt - $425

Blazer - $795

Trousers - $295

Shoes - $165

Women:

Beret - $55

Scarf - $58

Belt - $85

Shirt - $179

Skirt - $498

Blazer - $598

The U.S. Olympic team may be privately funded, but this is really insulting.  Knowing how much clothes manufacturing really costs - even in America, it's disgusting to see Ralph Lauren not only make the items overseas, but make them at such an inflated cost.  Fuck you Benedict Arnold Ralph Lauren.

Camofucked

In the Armed Forces, you're trained to think and act like a group, and uniform means more than just the clothes you wear.  Except when it makes you stand out.

The Army is changing it's clothes, and no, blood is not the new black.  Over the next year, the pixelated "Universal Camouflage Pattern" design that debuted in 2004 at a cost of $5 billion is being phased out, eliminating one of the largest mistakes they'e made (sorry, clothes only - not land wars in Asia).  Soldiers have roundly criticized the gray-green uniform for standing out almost everywhere it’s been worn and called the pattern a fiasco.

To eliminate the problem caused by , textile technologists (that's a real job?) at the Army research center in Natick, MA are testing new armed forces camouflage patterns are made. Currently, four patterns are going through a rigorous battery of tests to give soldiers patterns suitable for different environments, plus a single neutral pattern.  These will eventually make it's way beyond uniforms and onto body armor and other gear, and the selection will involve hundreds of computer trials as well on-the-ground testing at half a dozen locations around the world. Until then, soldiers are using a greenish, blended replacement called MultiCam as a temporary fix.

The Army’s camouflage researchers (wow, that's also a job?) say UPC pattern’s origins begins when they helped develop a similarly pixilated camouflage now worn by the Marine Corps called MARPAT in 2002.  At that time, the Army was looking for a new camouflage pattern that would solve the problem in Iraq on not having enough desert-specific gear to go around.  The plan was to spend two years testing patterns and color schemes from different angles and distances and in different environments, including a precursor design of Multi-Cam. The results and best design never made it onto the battlefield, due in part to the Program Executive Office Soldier - a branch of the Army in charge of equipping soldiers with gear, who made the camouflage team to pick a pattern long before trials were finished.

They ordered the researchers to take the winning colors and “basically put it in the Marine Corps pattern."   The brigadier general ultimately responsible for the decision, James Moran, who retired from the Army after leaving Program Executive Office Soldier, has not publicly  responded regarding the decision.  Though many folks want the truth about the camo choice, it is believed they can't handle the truth...

Drawn And Dressed

Calling back to a post from a few months back, now there's even more opportunity to dress like a superhero - that's been expanded to the animated realm with Cartoon Closets.

Cosplay You Can Leave The House In

Even though we love girls in their superhero costumes, Looking MARVELous actually pairs clothing and accessories so that gals can dress in real clothing with a nod to their comic countparts.

Like Mars Blackmon Said, "It's Gotta Be The Shoes"

Colors Are Free

The problem with designers is they think they're fucking geniuses for coming up with banal ideas. Why else would French footwear scion Christian Louboutin think he should have the exclusive right to put red soles on shoes.

The legal battle in pitted Louboutin against Yves Saint Laurent for the right to color their outsole red. And while Louboutin was recognized for trailblazing use of red under the shoe, there was no legal reason to stop competitors from doing the same.

"Because in the fashion industry color serves ornamental and aesthetic functions vital to robust competition, the court finds that Louboutin is unlikely to be able to prove that its red outsole brand is entitled to trademark protection," said the judge.

It's nice to know that even designers who sell 240,000 pairs annually to the tune of $135 million of revenue have time to indulgently think they alone have a monopoly on the concept of color. If you can rip folks off to the tune of $1,095 (for the Maggie Leopard-Toe Pump at Neiman Marcus), you should just be thankful they're not smart enough to know what level of suckers they are.

PK United

"I’ve got an indoor soccer team in Division 11 (1 being best, 11 being worst… obviously) here in Dallas Texas and I would like to submit our team jerseys which I designed and made. The patches are embroidered and the lettering is authentic jersey vinyl on Adidas Predator blanks. While we only finished 3rd in our division, I like to think we looked good doing it. The team name is Portman Kunis United (aka The Scissors). It’s a tribute to Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman in the movie Black Swan, for their….. amazing acting. Notice the handcrafted numbering, custom with a swan on each number."

- team captain Mike Miller

Cherry Pits

Don Cherry was once known for coaching the Boston Bruins and playing only one professional hockey game for them, but for better part of the last 30 years has been part of the "Hockey Night in Canada" program. And his shitty taste in suits have become legendary. One site attempts to note the worst of the worst...

The Worst Of All Worlds

The operative catchphrase in the garment industry is "jegging" - as in jean legging.

Lying Pants

Esquire, the hip younger brother to GQ, is more prone to misses ("the color quotient" of how much of any given color should appear in your closet in any given time - 0% brown, really?) as they are to hits, but they did address how pant manufacturers are stretching the sizing truths of their goods.

Being in the rag trade, I know that garments have a "tolerance": the +/- for any particular item to determine if the construction and size matches the design specs, and you may have anywhere from 1/2" to an inch on a waist, bust, or sleeve measurement. But this is far beyond that. The term is called "vanity sizing," and pants manufacturers are trying to flatter you. You can see from their chart that there's up to five extra inches on a size 36 pant, and I'll add that I'm not surprised that Dockers and Old Navy are at the biggest end, given the type of guy I usually see in them. Same goes for the waifs in H+M (where I'll add that I could barely find an XL dress shirt one time; 17 1/2", 34-35 should be common). Anyhow, try before you buy, since there are still some places that make pants in the correct size.

Shoe-nique

You may need to import them from overseas, but Brass Monki does custom kicks. They even take requests if you don't see something that's already been suggested.

Living In A Material World

When I was a younger, less famous M, I asked my father, a garmento, about a restaurant called "Tickets". The garment company he worked for, had a Broadway theme, so the divisions had their names derived from relevant ideas - Tickets being one of them. I wondered how there could be a restaurant with the same name without there being a conflict, and because they were basically two completely different enterprises, there was no conflict with the name. Not so much the case with Madonna's entry into the fashion business.

Just two weeks after the the singer / actress / walking dead launched her "Material Girl" line for teenagers at Macy's, she was hit with a lawsuit by L.A Triumph, a clothing company that says it has been using the name since 1997. The company said in its suit that it has been "continually selling similar clothes in similar retail outlets at similar price points under their Material Girl brand since at least 1997, and Madonna and her newfound company do not have the right to trade in the same space under this brand." Yep, that sounds about right to me.

Madonna teamed up with her 13 year-old yeti daughter Lourdes to design the 1980s inspired clothing line, borrowing from the pop singer's punk-girl style when she rose to fame in the 1980s and earned her the "Material Girl" nicknake, also dervied from her song. L.A. Triumph wants the judge to rule that Madonna's use of "Material Girl" creates "deception" in the marketplace. It is also asking for Madonna and her company to turn over all the profits from their line.

Timing Is The New Black

James Laver was a British historian of art and fashion design born on the cusp of the 20th century. This is the model he devised to depict the changing social perceptions of women’s fashion:

Indecent: 10 years before its time

Shameless: 5 years before its time

Daring: 1 year before its time

Smart: Current Fashion

Dowdy: 1 year after its time

Hideous: 10 years after its time

Ridiculous: 20 years after its time

Amusing: 30 years after its time

Quaint: 50 years after its time

Charming: 70 years after its time

Romantic: 100 years after its time

Beautiful: 150 years after its time

In Tastes and Fashion: From the French Revolution Until Today (published 1937), Laver wrote:

The modern young man can contemplate without emotion the entire area of the female leg and a considerable portion of the stomach. In the nineteen-twenties, for the first time in many hundreds of years, the female leg was exposed to general view. The bust, however, also for the first time in many centuries, was not supposed to exist at all, and women who did not mind in the least exposing their lower limbs would have been embarrassed if called upon to wear a deep decolletage.

In short, the female body consists of a series of sterilized zones, which are those exposed by the fashion just going out, and an erogenous zone, which will be the point of interest for the fashion which is just coming in. This erogenous zone is always shifting, and it is the business of fashion to pursue it, without ever actually catching up. It is obvious that if you ever really catch it up you are immediately arrested for indecent exposure. If you almost catch it up you are celebrated as a leader of fashion.

Maybe it's because I'm in the business, but I find it interesting to look at theory behind it.

American Appearance

GAWKER shares my snark towards American Apparel, and thankfully they have both the staff and time to dedicate to be all over them like unoriginality on a hipster.

They have detailed how the basic apparel manufacturer / sexual harassment law suit generator hires and fires employees based on photos, and leaked internal documents that amounts to preference against the unattractive (I'm not saying that's exactly wrong...who wants to look at ugly folks 40+ hours a weeks?). Now they have uncovered the "AA Grooming Standards".

American Apparel's men's grooming standards:

From: Katherine Johnson
Sent: Sun 3/28/2010 8:15 AM
To: [AA employees]
Subject: Grooming- Males

Hi everyone,

Males as well as females are expected to exude the understanding of the brand's appreciation for a natural and healthy appearance. Below are a few notes as well as photographic examples that should be circulated to the staff, specifically to male employees.

• Hair should look natural. Excessive product to the extent of creating stiffness and an unnatural or greasy appearance to your hair is advised against.
- Translation: don't look like the dudes in the ads.

• Eyebrows should be natural. Please do not dye your eyebrows a different color or overpluck them.
- And don't look like the people buying the stuff in the store, either.

• Males should not wear makeup.
- That's more of a general rule for life than a company policy, but kinda sad if they need to point that out.

• Facial hair needs to be kept clean and well groomed. Any mustache or goatee of a contemporary style are advised against.
- Is there an anachronistic set of facial designs that are acceptable? Mutton chops? Fu-Manchu? Handlebar? Everyone get your short, 80's cocaine beards!

• No gauges allowed whatsoever.
- I believe they're talking about piercings, not porn star Gauge, who I'm sure the straight males there would like.

They were kind enough to also reminder everyone about basic dress code:

• Button-up shirts must be tucked in to trousers.
- This ain't a frat house, jerks. Tuck that shit in!

• Sneakers of any style are not allowed. Plain white clean Keds or Keds-like shoes are allowed.
- Sorry for the confusion employees, but we were just too lazy to delete the first sentence, since clearly simple white sneakers are acceptable.

• Please do not wear any earrings. All accessories and watches must be clean, simple, and tasteful. They cannot distract from the garments.
- Swatch watches are not allowed. And though you're not supposed to wear make up, you're at least supposed to think like a gal and accessorize.

• Garments must fit properly. Trousers cannot be too tight or too baggy - and must be clean. Shirts cannot be oversized or too tight. If there is an employee that does not wear garments that fit properly, please contact me ASAP so we can resolve the matter.
- Yes, Katherine Johnson will inspect your dickprint if those pants are too snug - or check your ass crack on you're saggin'.

• Belts must be worn with trousers that have belt loops.
- What men's pants don't have belt loops? And how could they be acceptable ever?

AKA Bra Dickie

"Works perfectly if you wear your night whore clothes to work since you are incappable of bringing it to change into later."

Super Chics And Geeks

Weekend Of Firsts

Thanks to Scarlett, I'll be reliving some of her college glory this weekend, attending my first toga party and going to a football game. We did a whole lot of evil back in Isla Vista, but we never got so cozy with our Greek neighbors to suit up for their parties. And seeing as UCSB killed their pigskin program the summer before I arrived, there was never any stadium full of Gauchos to root on. and speaking of going back in time, lets look at the week...

Best of the week: Much time wasted.

Yeah, I'm going to bring it up again, because it's that important - 3000 posts! I went through over 100 categories from the more than 2 1/2 years of procrastination and obsessive-compulsive behavior to get some of the more interesting scraps for your entertainment and knowledge. We're one of the few sites that can make you smarter while you enjoy yourself. If we can only find a cure for your rash, we'd be the best ever!

Also: PA deadly!

Some people are just asking for trouble. And some folks in Pennsylvania are getting it. First, the last mistake you'll ever make - trying to clean a bear cage while the bear is still in it.

For nine years, Kelly Ann Walz kept the black bear she called "Teddy" as a pet, raising it from cubhood...until Sunday night! She went into Teddy's 15-by-15-foot steel and concrete cage, throwing a shovelful of dog food to one side to distract the bear while she cleaned the other side. "She's done it 1,000 times," said her friend and neighbor, Scott Castone. "And on 1,001, something happened."

The 350-pound bear turned on Walz and attacked. Walz's two young children and Castone's children saw the attack and summoned help. The bear was atop Walz when Castone arrived with a handgun. It had clambered off and was about to leave its cage when Castone opened fire and killed the bear. Lead cupcakes for desert! Walz (37) was pronounced extremely dead at the scene.

At one time, the Walzes kept an African lion, cougar, jaguar, tiger, bear, leopard and two servals on their wooded property in northeastern Pennsylvania. As of Monday, only the mountain lion and tiger remained - the rest had died of old age, and none had eaten or killed a family member.

Pennsylvania Game Commission officials said Walz's husband Michael had longstanding permits to keep, sell and display exotic animals. The permits expired in June 2008, but a lapsed permit is considered a summary violation — similar to a traffic ticket — and would not have resulted in the removal of the animals. The most recent state inspection in 2007 did not turn up any problems, nor were any discovered when game commission investigators returned after the attack.

Tim Conway - no, not Dorf, an information and education supervisor with the game commission, said owners of wild animals usually have a two-section cage, allowing them to isolate the animal behind a locked gate while they clean the other part. "Why this woman chose to go in the same area that the bear was in is beyond me. It's a fatal mistake," he said. "These things are not tame animals; they're wild animals." And that's why she's dead.

The second part clearly illustrates that guns don't kill people, but people using guns kill people.

Meleanie Hain, the soccer mom who was thrust into the national gun-rights debate last year after taking a loaded pistol to the daughter's soccer games was killed by her husband.

Scott Hain used his own gun to fire several shots into his wife, Meleanie, while her video chat was active as she washed dishes in their kitchen. The shooting was witnessed by her video chat partner. Scott Hain later killed himself in an upstairs bedroom, offline.

Meleanie Hain's loaded pistol — with a bullet ready in the chamber — was in a backpack hanging from the front door. Not that's a nice iconic image.

The online friend heard a shot and screams, and turned to see Scott Hain firing, "standing over where Meleanie was and discharging a handgun several times". The man, who was described as a friend of both Scott and Meleanie Hain, called 911. Yeah, that's not weird, and that there was an open webcam at the time. The man kept open the webcam but heard nothing or saw nothing after that. The chat was apparently not recorded. Damn it - I want to see that footage.

Bullet-sponge Hain became a voice of the gun-rights movement last year when she fought for the right to carry a holstered pistol at her young daughter's soccer games, y'know, just because. Other parents complained, prompting a sheriff to revoke her concealed-weapons permit, a decision a judge later overturned. The judge who restored Meleanie Hain's concealed-weapon permit last year questioned her judgment and said she had "scared the devil" out of other parents at the soccer field. I guess she was just trying to make a stand against having to bring orange slices.

Friends and neighbors told police the couple had been having marital problems, but police knew of no immediate cause of the violence. Let me help you flatfoots out - the cause of the violence was the marital problems. Hain was living at the family home at the time and he was a parole officer, which accounts for the 9 mm handgun used to kill his wife. He then killed himself with a shotgun (!!!). Police found several handguns, a shotgun, two rifles and several hundred rounds of ammunition in their home, as well as six spent shell casings in the kitchen.

Link bonus:
• Shooting a target with your political rival's initials is a bad idea
• A photo recreation of The Last Supper - with all down syndrome people
• Really going wireless: TV without audio, video, or power cables
• Punternet; it just sounds dirty.

Worst of the week: Celebritards clash with fashion...and lose

If you’ve ever wanted to dress like Lindsay Lohan, you are either a seven year old or have the IQ of one. Her debut show in Paris as "creative director" for the French fashion house Ungaro proved her a triple threat: equally shitty at acting, singing, and designing?

The LA Times said, “Nothing in the collection evidenced any real skill or discernible design work … there’s really no defending this misguided collection, other than as a desperate bid for attention from a house that hasn’t mattered since its founder retired in 2004.”

The London Daily Mail said, “But the collection of mini dresses and blazers received a mixed response and prompted only lukewarm applause. Fashion critics looked aghast at Lohan’s bra tops and stripper-inspired nipple pasties.”

The London Telegraph said, “There were some truly hideous fashion faux pas. Silver sequined ‘pasties’, for example, belong in a lap dancing club.”

And WWD - “the Bible of the Fashion World” - called the collection “an embarrassment … the clothes look cheesy and dated.”

But don't feel bad for Lindsay Lohan; she is a genius. It’s official because her mom said so. Hurt by the just criticism of her debut, Dina Lohan retorted, “The critics can say whatever they want, but Lindsay is a genius.” Well, that solves that!

She said that, despite her deal with the French fashion house, Lindsay would also be creatively involved in Dina’s shoe line … “she will definitely have input because she is so talented.” Yes, like in applying makeup. Defend your little cash generator mommy!

Also: Just when we had cleared that Kanye hurdle, we're back to it again.

Beyonce had to open her fat mouth to say, "Well, I knew his intentions, and I knew he was standing up for art; and he told me before, when they said the nominees, he's like, 'You have this award'." Art? Your music video was a work of art? And Kanye is the defender of artistic integrity in the world? Wow, you are delusional.

"When they didn't call my name, he was, like, completely shocked," Knowles says. "And when he walked on the stage, I was like, 'No, no, no!' and then he spoke, and I was like, 'Oh, no, no, no!'" So, you knew his intentions but you're stunned by his actions? Yes, you're the real victim here, for having your wonderful accomplishment tarnished on top of being robbed of your rightful prize. Do something important, like make a wireless TV power source - not give gay men and overweight women something to YouTube themselves doing. Now shut the fuck up.

And: DJ AM's intervention-reality show, Gone Too Far, will air. Fuck you MTV!

The eight-hour series, in which Adam "DJ AM" Goldstein tries to help young addicts on the path to sobriety while failing on his own, will premiere Oct. 12.

"Recovery can be extremely difficult and requires constant attention," said an executive vice president of the Partnership for a Drug-Free America. "But it's important to know that it is in fact possible to present examples of people who are recognizing the need for treatment and beginning that journey." And then being hypocritical and ODing.

This pisses me off because allegedly it's in better taste to show a postmortem series about a guy who killed himself taking too many drugs while preaching treatment, than air a series where a guy tries to date a whore and happens to be a brutal killer. That's bullshit, man. I could see it being in bad taste if he was killing people on the show...

Link bonus:
• Palestinians aren't tricky and deceitful...but they did paint some donkeys like a zebra to fool kids

• Another mistrial in the case against a father who allegedly threw his daughter off a cliff. I think he did it - he was an airline baggage handler.