Who Is Twitter?

Beevolve, a social media marketing firm (that sounds redundant), analyzed 36 million Twitter profiles to break down the range of users. Sounds like a lot of shitty work done by interns...

The average Twitter user is a 28 year old American girl who has an iPhone, has 208 Twitter followers while following 102 people, tweets a lot about fashion and family, likes the color purple and uses "love" quite frequently in her tweets. If this describe someone you know, then you should rethink who you are friends with.  If you're a celebrity or involved in the media and arts, it makes perfect sense, but nobody needs to be chirping  about how much they like the a dress at the mall.  It's not as bad as Facebook, with all the "hey look at me, pay attention to me" posts about what people had for breakfast, but still awful.

They have plenty of statistics, like the average Twitter user has tweeted 800 times, and only 26% of users favorite Tweets? You can read them here...but don't tweet it.  Tweeting is for assholes.

Charlotte Devaney Is...Nice

Stoned Bowl

News flash to the University of Oregon football players who came forward in the recent ESPN article to share the news of their pot use - get ready for increased drug testing next year and in the NFL.

Yes, it's not so much news as it is newsworthy, since you rarely hear marijuana in conjunction with athletics other than when there's a mugshot involved, but college students smoke weed, which include the players on the team.   And they admit it.  An NCAA study released in January had 22.6% of athletes hitting it, which is up almost a point and a half for the last study in 2005.  College football players ranked highest (pun intended) among major sports with more than a quarter smoking their eighths. The article sourced 19 current and former Oregon players and officials who chronic-led the last 15 years of smoking. Former Ducks player and current pros estimated that 40-60% of the squad lit it up, and current Ducks concur on that figure.

Even though we all knew what was going on, it is a major revelation to see it so candidly confirmed. I mean, it is Oregon and not, say, BYU, so we can't be too shocked, but as marijuana becomes more commonplace - and more legal, it could just be a matter of time before this is a small footnote. And I've always been impressed with athletes being able to perform well and still have drugs in their system that are not performance enhancing. So if you can toke a little and still play to your potential, where's the downside?

Packin'

It's better to have a gun and not need one, then to need one and not have one...or think you do.

A study conducted a Notre Dame University found that when you are holding a gun, you're more likely to think others are holding them too.  Researchers showed participants partially obstructed images of people and asked them to say whether the person was holding a neutral object (a phone or soda can for example) while they were holding either a gun or a soft foam ball.  Regardless of the image shown, like people in snow masks or a broad range of races, those who themselves were holding a gun consistently over-estimated the incidence of guns being held in the images. Scientist quote!  

"Beliefs, expectations and emotions can all influence an observer's ability to detect and to categorize objects as guns. Now we know that a person's ability to act in certain ways can bias their recognition of objects as well, and in dramatic ways. It seems that people have a hard time separating their thoughts about what they perceive and their thoughts about how they can or should act."

I guess that's why cops seem to be a little twitchy...

Semper Badass

Marines from Camp Pendleton (by San Diego) are currently in Thailand for Cobra Gold, which is not a topless club, but a training exercise with military personnel from Thailand and five other regional countries.

The 1st Battalion, 4th Marine Regiment are taking part in the annual exercise with the Japan-based 31st Marine Expeditionary Unit. The training covers amphibious assault, humanitarian relief, evacuation of friendly forces and jungle survival, which includes learning to eat insects and to drink the blood from cobras.  Let me repeat that last part: Jungle survival, which includes learning to eat insects and to drink the blood from cobras.

These colors don't run because snake mana flows in our soldier's veins.  Damn.

The Dancing Plague Of 1518

Super Sniffers

The fanboy in me is super-excited about the upcoming Avengers film, but not so much about the merchandise that's being tied into it.

Just like the attempt to take any spare change for gamers while deodorizing them for the public, so is the move to bilk comic readers in a similar manner.   You may not be a superhero, but you can smell like what merchants (who also make Star Trek and Star Wars themed fragrances) think they do:

• Infinity Formula Cologne

Colonel Nicholas "Nick" Fury. Paratrooper, Ranger, Weapons and Demolitions Expert, Aircraft Specialistand Pilot, Green Beret. Veteran of every US War and Military Conflict since WWII. Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. "The single most powerful, most important organization on the planet Earth." And the only human strong enough to bring together a group of remarkable people who would fight the battles no one else could.

• Patriot Cologne

A cologne that pays homage to the confident, stand-up-to-bullies, hard working average Joe in every man. PATRIOT Cologne is both reserved and sexy; like a symbol on a shield or a moniker ona motorcycle helmet. Fresh notes of green lime and white pepper are the first to hit with dry oak wood, sandalwood and tequila accords finishing the adventure. Perfect for any time or place, PATRIOT Cologne puts the Novus Mundus in your strong, sensuous hands for you to embrace and discover.

• Mark VII Cologne

A resolutely sophisticated cologne forged from the sea, the sun, the earth, and a touch of devil-may-care whimsy. Transparent, aromatic, and modern in nature, Mark VII combines mandarin, neroli, nasturtium and jasmine layered with light patchouli to create a contemporary expression of "I don't play well with others" confidence; leaving you always ready for whatever a genius, billionaire, playboy-philanthropist might encounter along the way.

• SMASH!

Very unusual and rare materials have been brought together to create a woody aquatic cologne evoking both a serene sense of timeless freedom and a single-minded, unbridled passion for life. Yuzu, bergamot and tarragon create clean, clear top notes along with unexpected accords of water lily and nutmeg. SMASH! then carries an intense woody drydown enriched with Indian sandalwood, vetiver, musk and sharp cedar. Complimentary to a full range of emotions, it wears well no matter where-at work, the lab or an evening out on the town.

• Worthy Cologne

This woody citrus cologne is a unique, meaningful combination of bergamot, frozen ginger and wheatgrass blended with a hint of fresh natural grapefruit and layered deeply with aromatic cypress. Basenotes are possessed with sensual, seductive tones of dark amber and cedarwood, protecting and enhancing a deep, dry masculine (dare we say almost God-like?) musk.

• Mischief

Possessed of Superhuman strength, Genius-level intelligence, Mystical powers, Telepathy, Flight, Clairvoyance, Therianthropy, and Teleportation... who could blame you for becoming the greatest trickster of them all? So wear your crown of baleful maleficence with pride; let mirth and mayhem stand ready at your side, anticipating your every command. Test their mettle knowing you have nothing to fear; you are Mischief and you were made to rule.

If they really wanted to make some money, they should sell panties that smell like the Black Widow.

Cholombians

VICE magazine has the back story on the latest trend out of Northern Mexico.

We're A Costume, Not A Culture

Phoenix Coyotes forward Raffi Torres attended his team's annual Halloween party as Jay-Z, while his wife was done up as Beyonce.  Oh, and by the way, he's not black and neither is she.

As one of my favorite hockey blogs Puck Daddy pointed out, Torres was "immediately criticized and demonized" as a knee-jerk reaction for going in what some felt was blackface.  Believe it or not, Torres is the NHL's first Mexican / Peruvian player, and dealt with racial conflict as he grew up while he played youth hockey in Toronto (his mother was told that Raffi "should be selling tacos" and his father once tacked another hockey parent because of taunts).

Similarly in 2009, players Adam Burish and Patrick Kane went to a Halloween party dressed as Dennis Rodman and Scottie Pippen of the Chicago Bulls, with darkened skin. Despite the backlash, neither player offered an apology, and neither should Torres, who is nothing more than a huge Jay-Z fan.

Adds Puck Daddy, "The offensive nature of "blackface" is rooted in its representation of a racist archetype. Clearly, the...players were dressed and made up as real people rather than a stereotype manifested through exaggerated appearance. Other than the color of their skin, there's nothing stereotypical or embellished about their appearance as black men. It could be argued that their skin tone is as relevant as the jersey or fake tattoos."

Perhaps it's the sensitivity spawned from a recent Ohio University ad campaign dealing with costumes that focus on different cultures, but as a costume alone, what's really offensive about it?  We'll wait for you to come up with something...

American Juggalo

Totally unrelated, but happy birthday to Famous Sister!

Like Mars Blackmon Said, "It's Gotta Be The Shoes"

And You Thought They Would Smell Like Doritos And Mountain Dew

Even if you're a basement dwelling nerd, you don't have to smell like one. Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab has all your gamer stanks, whether you like it by character race, class, or even alignment!

Because nobody wants to smell like a puny human...

DWARF: Iron filings and chips of stone, Styrian Golding hops, and soot-covered leather.


ELF: Pale golden musk, honeycomb, amber, parma violet, hawthorne bark, aspen leaf, forest lily, life everlasting, white moss, and a hint of wild berry.


HALF-ELF: White sandalwood, beeswax, white tea leaf, oud, and a hint of sophisticated urban musk.


HALFLING: Porridge, kukui nuts, and pastry crumbs.


ORC: Field grey courgette musk, roughly cured leather, and vetiver.

If only there was the scent of a non-player character...

CLERIC: Rose amber, frankincense, myrrh, champaca flower, Peru balsam, cistus, palisander, cananga, hyssop, and narcissus absolute.


FIGHTER: Leather, musk, blood, and steel.


MAGE: All mystique and thrumming power: gurjum balsam, Sumatran dragon's blood resin, olibanum, galangal, oleo gum resin, and frankincense.


PALADIN: Immaculate white musk, sweet frankincense, bourbon vanilla, white leather, and shining armor.


RANGER: Untamed wilderness: buckskin accord with Terebinth pine, Russian birch, black ironwood, elder bark, hay, armoise, juniper, patchouli, galangal root, Spanish moss, and cabreuva.


ROGUE: Soft, well-worn black leather, hemp, and rosin.

Even your demeanor has an odor...

NEUTRAL: A flawless skin musk.


LAWFUL: Rigid oak, blue chamomile, rhubarb, and fig leaf.


CHAOTIC: A whirling mélange of multicolored musks with wasabi, rooibos, heliotrope, and mastic.


GOOD: Shimmering celestial musk with vanilla, white honey, acacia, and sugar cane.


EVIL: Smouldering opium tar, tobacco absolute, green tea, black plum, kush, ambergris accord, ambrette seed, and costus root.

What Is This "Facebook"?

Buzzfeed points out that The Washington Post may have found a new trend worth investigating.

Bean Buzz

Back in 1991, I was working at a movie theater, and my co-worker Adina turned me on the Henry Rollins via his Black Coffee Blues book. Not only did I find appreciation for the tattooed orator, but also a taste for the black blood of the coffee gods. In that same year coffee consumption was barely half of what it was 30 years earlier.

In 1962, the average person had 3.2 cups per day, but had fallen to 1.75 cups. So what lead to the modern, ubiquitous Starbucks, etc. presence? A resurgent coffee culture. And how did that happen? Thank advertising giant Ogilvy and Mather, who was employed by Maxwell House. Their solution to the drying coffee market was to segment the product by quality, value and personal image, and it's just one of many interesting points in a three-part series on the anthropology of coffee at the blog Anthropology in Practice.

The first part describes how coffee became a necessary part of our morning existence. The second follows the history of the coffee bean in human culture. And the third addresses the social role of coffee in creating a culture of productivity.

Quitbook

Today is "Quit Facebook Day", created by people fed up with the social networking site's closed nature and privacy issues. Didn't get the message? Guess they should have kept their accounts a few days longer...

Currently there's around 30,000 "committed" quitters, which means it's not going to be a big deal in the scheme of Facebook things, other than similar small blurbs on blogs like this. Will Friendster and MySpace (you still have accounts there that have withered)? Time proves folks will find the next big thing, but even the founders of the Quit Facebook Day movement admit that no other social networking site is quite as useful as Facebook.

But for those who stay, let's hope their Facebook profile has less then 5,000 friends. It's a serious problem when the New York Times asks, "Are 5,001 Friends Too Many"? Or is it? If you're so popular that you've got thousands of "friends", you either need a fan page, or you've got the loosest interpretation of the definition of what a friend is. And you should quit Facebook.

Listening To (And Saving) The World’s Languages

Don't let this guy loose in New York - he'd lose his mind. There's close to 800 different languages being spoken, though many of them are quickly fading from the tongues of the different immigrants and inhabitants. From the New York Times:

The chances of overhearing a conversation in Vlashki, a variant of Istro-Romanian, are greater in Queens than in the remote mountain villages in Croatia that immigrants now living in New York left years ago.

At a Roman Catholic Church in the Morrisania section of the Bronx, Mass is said once a month in Garifuna, an Arawakan language that originated with descendants of African slaves shipwrecked near St. Vincent in the Caribbean and later exiled to Central America. Today, Garifuna is virtually as common in the Bronx and in Brooklyn as in Honduras and Belize.

And Rego Park, Queens, is home to Husni Husain, who, as far he knows, is the only person in New York who speaks Mamuju, the Austronesian language he learned growing up in the Indonesian province of West Sulawesi. Mr. Husain, 67, has nobody to talk to, not even his wife or children.

“My wife is from Java, and my children were born in Jakarta — they don’t associate with the Mamuju,” he said. “I don’t read books in Mamuju. They don’t publish any. I only speak Mamuju when I go back or when I talk to my brother on the telephone.”

These are not just some of the languages that make New York the most linguistically diverse city in the world. They are part of a remarkable trove of endangered tongues that have taken root in New York — languages born in every corner of the globe and now more commonly heard in various corners of New York than anywhere else.

While there is no precise count, some experts believe New York is home to as many as 800 languages — far more than the 176 spoken by students in the city’s public schools or the 138 that residents of Queens, New York’s most diverse borough, listed on their 2000 census forms.
“It is the capital of language density in the world,” said Daniel Kaufman, an adjunct professor of linguistics at the Graduate Center of the City University of New York. “We’re sitting in an endangerment hot spot where we are surrounded by languages that are not going to be around even in 20 or 30 years.”

In an effort to keep those voices alive, Professor Kaufman has helped start a project, the Endangered Language Alliance, to identify and record dying languages, many of which have no written alphabet, and encourage native speakers to teach them to compatriots.

“It’s hard to use a word like preserve with a language,” said Robert Holman, who teaches at Columbia and New York Universities and is working with Professor Kaufman on the alliance. “It’s not like putting jelly in a jar. A language is used. Language is consciousness. Everybody wants to speak English, but those lullabies that allow you to go to sleep at night and dream — that’s what we’re talking about.”

With national languages and English encroaching on the linguistic isolation of remote islands and villages, New York has become a Babel in reverse — a magnet for immigrants and their languages.

New York is such a rich laboratory for languages on the decline that the City University Graduate Center is organizing an endangered-languages program. “The quickening pace of language endangerment and extinction is viewed by many linguists as a direct consequence of globalization,” said Juliette Blevins, a distinguished linguist hired by City University to start the program.

In addition to dozens of Native American languages, vulnerable foreign languages that researchers say are spoken in New York include Aramaic, Chaldic and Mandaic from the Semitic family; Bukhari (a Bukharian Jewish language, which has more speakers in Queens than in Uzbekistan or Tajikistan); Chamorro (from the Mariana Islands); Irish Gaelic; Kashubian (from Poland); indigenous Mexican languages; Pennsylvania Dutch; Rhaeto-Romanic (spoken in Switzerland); Romany (from the Balkans); and Yiddish.

Researchers plan to canvass a tiny Afghan neighborhood in Flushing, Queens, for Ormuri, which is believed to be spoken by a small number of people in Pakistan and Afghanistan.
The Endangered Language Alliance will apply field techniques usually employed in exotic and remote foreign locales as it starts its research in the city’s vibrant ethnic enclaves.

“Nobody had gone from area to area looking for endangered languages in New York City spoken by immigrant populations,” Professor Kaufman said.

The United Nations keeps an atlas of languages facing extinction, and U.N. experts as well as linguists generally agree that a language will probably disappear in a generation or two when the population of native speakers is both too small and in decline. Language attrition has also been hastened by war, ethnic cleansing and compulsory schooling in a national tongue.

Over the decades in the secluded northeastern Istrian Peninsula along the Adriatic Sea, Croatian began to replace Vlashki, spoken by the Istrians, what is described as Europe’s smallest surviving ethnic group. But after Istrians began immigrating to Queens, many to escape grinding poverty, they largely abandoned Croatian and returned to speaking Vlashki.

“Whole villages were emptied,” said Valnea Smilovic, 59, who came to the United States in the 1960s with her parents and her brother and sister. “Most of us are here now in this country.”
Mrs. Smilovic still speaks in Vlashki with her mother, 92, who knows little English, as well as her siblings. “Not too much, though,” Mrs. Smilovic said, because her husband speaks only Croatian and her son, who was born in the United States, speaks English and a smattering of Croatian.

“Do I worry that our culture is getting lost?” Mrs. Smilovic asked. “As I get older, I’m thinking more about stuff like that. Most of the older people die away and the language dies with them.”
Several years ago, one of her cousins, Zvjezdana Vrzic, an Istrian-born adjunct professor of linguistics at New York University, organized a meeting in Queens about preserving Vlashki. She was stunned by the turnout of about 100 people.

“A language reflects a singular nature of a people speaking it,” said Professor Vrzic, who recently published an audio Vlashki phrasebook and is working on an online Vlashki-Croatian-English dictionary.

Istro-Romanian is classified by Unesco as severely endangered, and Professor Vrzic said she believed that the several hundred native speakers who live in Queens outnumbered those in Istria. “Nobody tried to teach it to me,” she said. “It was not thought of as something valuable, something you wanted to carry on to another generation.”

A few fading foreign languages have also found niches in New York and the country. In northern New Jersey, Neo-Aramaic, rooted in the language of Jesus and the Talmud, is still spoken by Syrian immigrants and is taught at Syriac Orthodox churches in Paramus and Teaneck.

The Rev. Eli Shabo speaks Neo-Aramaic at home, and his children do, too, but only “because I’m their teacher,” he said.

Will their children carry on the language? “If they marry another person of Syriac background, they may,” Father Shabo said. “If they marry an American, I’d say no.”

And on Long Island, researchers have found several people fluent in Mandaic, a Persian variation of Aramaic spoken by a few hundred people around the world. One of them, Dakhil Shooshtary, 76, a retired jeweler who settled on Long Island from Iran 45 years ago, is compiling a Mandaic dictionary.

For Professor Kaufman, the quest for speakers of disappearing languages has sometimes involved serendipity. After making a fruitless trip in 2006 to Indonesia to find speakers of Mamuju, he attended a family wedding two years ago in Queens. Mr. Husain happened to be sitting next to him. Wasting no time, he has videotaped Mr. Husain speaking in his native tongue.

“This is maybe the first time that anyone has recorded a video of the language being spoken,” said Professor Kaufman, who founded a Manhattan research center, the Urban Field Station for Linguistic Research, two years ago.

He has also recruited Daowd I. Salih, 45, a refugee from Darfur who lives in New Jersey and is a personal care assistant at a home for the elderly, to teach Massalit, a tribal language, to a linguistic class at New York University. They are meticulously creating a Massalit lexicography to codify grammar, definitions and pronunciations.

“Language is identity,” said Mr. Salih, who has been in the United States for a decade. “So many African tribes in Darfur lost their languages. This is the land of opportunity, so these students can help us write this language instead of losing it.”

Speakers of Garifuna, which is being displaced in Central America by Spanish and English, are striving to keep it alive in their New York neighborhoods. Regular classes have sprouted at the Yurumein House Cultural Center in the Bronx, and also in Brooklyn, where James Lovell, a public school music teacher, leads a small Garifuna class at the Biko Transformation Center in East Bushwick.

Mr. Lovell, who came to New York from Belize in 1990, said his oldest children, 21-year-old twin boys, do not speak Garifuna. “They can get along speaking Spanish or English, so there’s no need to as far as they’re concerned,” he said, adding that many compatriots feel “they will get nowhere with their Garifuna culture, so they decide to assimilate.”

But as he witnessed his language fading among his friends and his family, Mr. Lovell decided to expose his younger children to their native culture. Mostly through simple bilingual songs that he accompanies with gusto on his guitar, he is teaching his two younger daughters, Jamie, 11, and Jazelle, 7, and their friends.

“Whenever they leave the house or go to school, they’re speaking English,” Mr. Lovell said. “Here, I teach them their history, Garifuna history. I teach them the songs, and through the songs, I explain to them what it’s saying. It’s going to give them a sense of self, to know themselves. The fact that they’re speaking the language is empowerment in itself.”

Die Interview

Ninja and Yo-Landi of Die Antwoord sat down with Xeni Jardin after their first-ever US performance at the Coachella.

And as a bonus, a gallery of photos from their performance, shot by Dave Bullock, (the living version and coincidentally not related to the character of the same name from His Words - Not Mine s1).

Clusterfuckchella

Guys like this are just one of 10,000 reasons not to go...

Weekend In-Law(s)

Scarlett's parentals are in LA for a few days, and that means we'll be brunching and dining and entertaining for the weekend. So let's get into it already, because I have plans...

Best of the week: Is it good for your health to see someone coughing, sneezing and blowing their nose? Recent studies suggests that the answer might be yes.

Researchers asked young adults to watch a 10-minute slide show containing a series of unpleasant photographs. Some of these participants looked at pictures of people who looked obviously sick in some way (people with pox and rashes, people coughing and sneezing and blowing mucus out of their noses). The participants gave blood samples both before and after each slideshow.

Next the researchers exposed these blood samples to a bacterial infection, and measured the extent to which white blood cells produced interleukin-6 (IL-6). IL-6 is a proinflammatory cytokine that white blood cells make when they detect microbial intruders. More IL-6 indicates a more aggressive immune response to infection. By measuring IL-6 before and after the slide show, the researchers were able to determine whether seeing pictures of disease-y people actually stimulated the immune system to fight infection more aggressively. And it did.

Interesting, but thus far watching adult movies doesn't boost your love making abilities.

Plus: I'm all for PC and not an Apple person at all. So with the hype around the maxi-iPhone iPad, it didn't take long to get past the gloss to really see the drawbacks for such an expensive toy.

It's awkward You can't carry it on your hip like a phone, so it presents the same portability issues as any laptop - you'll need a case of some sort to protect it and carry the power cable. Even around the house, there's no simple way to carry the iPad. It's too thin, heavy, slippery and expensive to put under your arm. Several of our testers were seen carrying it like a dinner tray, as a butler would, to go from the kitchen table to the couch. Portability, shmortability.

It's heavy To be sure, at 1.5 pounds and with all this functionality, the iPad is an impressive feat of engineering. But it's simply not light enough (a Kindle ebook reader is about 10 ounces) and that heft adds to the awkwardness. Holding the iPad in one hand for more than a few minutes to watch a movie or read an ebook results in tired wrists. Even holding it with two hands to read an ebook is tiring. Reading an ebook on a smartphone is ergonomically much more practical.

It's slippery You can ignore the awkward size and weight, but the iPad is also slippery, and its aluminum back is ever-so-slightly slightly concave. You feel as though it'd slip right out if you try to hold it under your arm. And on the kitchen counter, it slides and twirls as you try to type or swipe the screen (required for navigating). It needs rubber feet, but of course then it won't be near as cool. Or the added purchase of a stand (which is probably exactly how they ment the manufacture).

Screen glare The iPad has the same glossy screen as Apple's Macbook Pro laptops and iMac desktops. So unless you're reading in a very dim room, the glare will be noticeable and can be distracting. Even in the shade outdoors, the glare can be really annoying.

Reading in the sun (or lack thereof) If you want to take your iPad along for an outing at the beach, forget about it. The screen looks washed out and is almost impossible to view in bright sunlight. The Kindle's non-glossy e-ink display fares much better outdoors than the iPad's screen.

Fingerprints Once you've used the iPad for a few minutes, among the most glaring shortcomings (besides the screen glare) are the fingerprints on the screen. With a smartphone, you can wipe the screen on your shirt or pants. The iPad is too big for that. We're wondering what exactly to clean it with and where we'll keep the cleaning supplies.

No multitasking The iPad runs the same operating system as the iPhone, and as a result has all of the iPhone's limitations. The most obvious of these is the inability to multitask - or do multiple things simultaneously. The iPad can't run more than one app at a time (with the exception of a few Apple apps, such as iPod, the iPad's music playing app). While this is may be acceptable in a smartphone, it's a major handicap in a device that Apple expects people to spend hours at a time on.

The browser is limited The iPad also uses the same limited Safari browser that's found on the iPhone. While much fuss has been made about the iPad's inability to play Flash video, there are other things it can't do as well. For example, Safari on iPad can't be used to create Google Documents, only to view them.

The virtual keyboard stinks While the virtual keyboard on the iPad is much larger than the iPhone, it's still awkward to type on glass. Even those who've used tiny, cramped netbook keyboards will be disappointed by the lack of real keys and likely reduced to one-finger typing. The iPad can be paired with a physical keyboard, but even this is awkward, because the actions normally done with a mouse or a trackpad on a desktop or laptop have to be done with your finger on the iPad.

No USB port The lack of even one USB port - the universal means of connecting just about everything these days - means you can't connect the device to a printer or other computer peripherals, such as an external hard drive. The iPad can be connected to cameras, but it requires the purchase of a separate accessory from Apple.

iPhone-only apps look horrible Apple boasts that many of the 150,000 apps already available on the iPhone will also work on the iPad. What the company doesn't tell you is that when enlarged to fit on the iPad's screen, these iPhone apps look horrible, with images and text very pixelated. For this reason, many people will opt to buy apps that are made specifically for the iPad, which tend to be more expensive than their iPhone counterparts.

The price is too high $499 is just the beginning for a low-memory model that will fill up too quickly for anyone with a big music library and/or an appetite for video. Toss in some memory and a 2-year, $280 "we'll replace it even if you drop it" warranty at Best Buy, and you're out $1,000. Though given the iPad's weight, awkwardness and slipperiness, the warranty is probably one of the best features.

It doesn't replace anything The iPad will not replace your smartphone. Unless you can't type, it won't replace your laptop. If you love books, you could find a better e-reader. Exactly what need does the iPad fill?

Also: The top US naval officer has vowed to stop people lighting up in submarines, where the confined atmosphere has serious passive smoking implications. Wait, they actually still allowed smoking in subs?

"We are going to stop smoking on submarines," Chief of Naval Operations Admiral Gary Roughead told a recent meeting of senior submariners. Roughead? That's funny. Navy spokesman Lieutenant Commander Mark Jones confirmed a ban could be in the pipeline. "We are currently looking at changing the policy, but we have not changed the policy."

At present, smoking on US submarines is up to the commanding officer's discretion and there are designated areas on many vessels where the crew are allowed to smoke. "That atmosphere moves around the submarine. You don't smell it but the damaging things from the smoke are still present," Roughead said. Roughead? Still funny.

A Pentagon study last year carried out by the American Institute of Medicine revealed that soldiers smoke a lot more on average than civilians and that the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan had seen a spike in smoking. The last official figures for the US military, in 2005, showed that almost one third of personnel in the armed forces, 32%, smoke as opposed to just one in five of the American population as a whole.

Up to 40% of US submariners smoke, making it all the more important to look into a ban for the overall health of American sailors.

Best picture of the week:

executing the pick and roll

Best bonus links:

• How To Defeat A Chain Lock With Rubber Bands - Pretty cool. Hopefully they'll figure out how to defeat a chastity belt with a rubber band next.

• US Comedian's Attack On Pacquiao Angers Philippines - The Ace-man knows a little something about boxing, and a lot about pissing people off by not pulling punches to be politically correct. Naturally a Muslim country would freak out.

• Will An AIDS Pill A Day Keep The Virus Away - But if you have to leave something on your teacher's desk, they'll probably prefer an apple.

• Jenny McCarthy, Jim Carrey Split / Jenny McCarthy Body Count - Now that she's single, pershaps she'll spend more time looking for a mate than opening her mouth about science and things she knows nothing about. And that is why there's a terrific site dedicated to making her look like the idiot lunatic she is.

• Herb Brooks Kid Tells Fenway He’s Sick Of The Yankees - Too bad this kid peaked at five years old, though it's adorable to watch a kid who probably needs a nightlight get all fired up.

• Palin, Obama Spar From A Distance Over Nuke Policy - If you're too ignorant to be able to spell nuclear, you shouldn't be allowed to vocalize your thoughts on it...Ms. Palin.

• Astronomers Solve Enigma Of Eclipsing Star - Now they can all retire, or become astologers. Or catch up on episodes of Nova.

• British Doctors Use Inert Gas To Save Baby - They burped him until he was inert. Or something.

• 10 Acclaimed Authors Who Wrote Only One Novel - Already, Scartoe and I have surpassed this since there's two seasons of His Words - Not Mine.

• Drive It Like It’s Hot - Grand Theft Auto, the reality.

• HP Preps Its Would-Be iPad Killer, The Slate - Innovation breeds competition. And less worship of iEverything.

• Max Q Live: In Space No One Can Hear You Sing - Theere is a band that has been around for years that's made up entirely of astronauts.

• AG Says Haim Obtained 550 Pills Before Death - He needed to take them so he'd be able to watch his performance in that shitty Lost Boys sequel.

• Team Releases 6 Players For Beating Up Their Coach - Normally, that's how hockey players in Slavic countrys make the team.

• Dead Man Denied Seat On Plane - And worse yet, he was being charged extra for being the carry-on.

• Fuckyouyork.com - Yes, that's a website. And that's pretty much what it has to say.

• Nepal's Living Goddess Eyes Banking Career - Either being a human deity is completely blown out of proportion, or banking is severely underated.

Worst of the week: Pajiba has the bad news...

Two more remakes in development to discuss today. Both are ’80s films (oh, OK. One was in 1990). But they present an interesting contrast between the two kinds of remakes we hate the most: 1) remakes of movies that we love that could never be duplicated; and 2) remakes of crappy movies for completely inexplicable reasons.

We’ll start with the molestation of your childhood memories remake: Columbia Pictures and Imagine Entertainment (oh, Ron Howard, how could you?) are developing a remake of Real Genius. Yes, that one. The Val Kilmer movie that everyone over the age of 30 loves. Except Communists and trash humpers. It’s about the youngest kid to be accepted into a program for geniuses who teams up with his roommates to develop a high-powered laser, which is stolen by the military and used as a weapon. But, of course, it was so much more than about that. In 1985 it was a satire. In 2010, no one knows what the hell a satire is or what it even means. The second take on the script is now out to writers, and soon, the “Mythbusters” guys may have to find a new movie to pattern their lives after.

Jesus. It just won’t be the same without the ’80s soundtrack. Also, the original made $13 million at the box office. Why would they remake this movie? (Note: This is not the sequel that was rumored years ago. This is a remake. Val Kilmer’s participation is unknown.)

The other film? House Party...yeah, who cares? Trying to improve upon Real Genius or bother to remake it is like writing a sequel to the Bible - totally unnecessary and a horrible idea. It's my favorite film and the thought of redoing it Fuck this new abomination completely.

Plus: Academics - that that term may be called into question - at the University of Hertfordshire are organising a conference about vampires and their corner of literature.

Dr. (really?) Sam George explained. "I wanted to...prove that you can study popular literature in a serious way." His call for papers led to more than 100 academics from disciplines including film, literature and cultural studies sending in abstracts; 70 have been selected to talk at the two-day conference. Planned lectures range from "Sullied Blood, Semen, and Skin: Vampires and the Spectre of Miscegenation" to "Who Ordered the Hamburger with Aids?: Blood Anxiety in True Blood".

And in a bid to make the most of that, George is launching, in September, what seems to be the world's first master's degree in vampire literature. "I've fielded a huge number of inquiries from people all over the world who are interested in studying vampires, zombies and the undead at a higher level," she says. "I had the idea of offering the master's as a direct follow-up from the conference. I thought it was crucial to have a way of extending this burst of awareness." The best papers from the conference will be collected in a book, which will become a textbook for the MA students.

Wow, that is a whole new level of retarded. Oh, who cares...there's already a real Masters you can get in real literature. But that does require oyu read decent books.

Also: Wikileaks obtained and decrypted video that shows US occupying forces in an Apache helicopter intentionally firing on a dozen civilians in Baghdad, including journalists working for the Reuters news organization: 22-year-old Reuters photographer, Namir Noor-Eldeen, and his driver, Saeed Chmagh, 40.

The video is accompanied by audio of the pilots' radio dialogue. Reuters had been attempting to obtain the video under Freedom of Information Act requests since the incident occurred in July, 2007, but the Pentagon blocked all requests. Reuters news editor-in-chief David Schlesinger says the video is "graphic evidence of the dangers involved in war journalism and the tragedies that can result". Wikileaks director Julian Assange said Wikileaks had to break military encryption on the file to view it, and will not reveal how or from whom the file was obtained. The transcript (and audio) seem to show the air crew lying about encountering a firefight. When they finish shooting, they laugh at the dead.

Looks like we're still not quite winning the hearts and minds of those people...

And: Glacier National Park has lost two more of its namesake moving icefields to climate change. Soon, it will just be Nation Park.

Warmer temperatures have reduced the number of named glaciers in the northwestern Montana park to 25, and the rest of the glaciers may be gone by the end of the decade.

The latest two to fall below the 25 acre threshold were Miche Wabun and Shepard. Each had shrunk by roughly 55 percent since the mid-1960s. The largest remaining glacier in the park is Harrison Glacier, at about 465 acres. On a local scale, fewer glaciers means less water in streams for fish and a higher risk for forest fires. More broadly, the fate of the glaciers offers a climate barometer, indicating dramatic changes to some ecosystems already under way.

Some glaciers, such as in the Himalayas, could hold out for centuries in a warmer world. But more than 90 percent of glaciers worldwide are in retreat, with major losses already seen across much of Alaska, the Alps, the Andes and numerous other ranges, according to researchers in the United States and Europe. In some areas of the Alps, ski resorts set atop glaciers have taken drastic measures to stave off the decline, such as draping glaciers in plastic sheeting to keep them cooler, or giving them Apple products, which doen't help.

Since about 1850, when the Little Ice Age ended, the trend has been steadily downward. The area of the Rocky Mountains now within Glacier National Park once boasted about 150 glaciers, of which 37 were eventually named. A handful of the park's largest glaciers could survive past 2020 or even 2030, but by that point the ecosystem could already be irreversibly altered. Geological evidence points to the continual presence of glaciers in the area since at least 5000 B.C.

A glacier needs to be 25 acres to qualify for the title. If it shrinks more, it does not always stop moving right away. A smaller mass of ice on a steep slope would continue to grind its way through the mountains, but eventually could disappear completely.

Worst picture of the week:

yellow diamond iPhone headphones...because you're an asshole

Worst bonus links:

• Russia Furious Over Adopted Boy Sent Back From US - They're worried that mail-order brides will be next.

• Eva Longoria Parker: Nicollette Sheridan's Lawsuit Could 'Tarnish The Reputation' Of 'Desperate Housewives' - Uh, what reputation is that? It's a second rate soap opera with a gaggle of harpies skanking around in what should have been called "Bored Useless Rich White Women". Any show that ridiculously has a light plane crash into a Christmas street festival as their cliffhanger episode has a wrecked reputation already.

• Lunch-Only Beer Policy Prompts Carlsberg Strike - Quit your whining. If you want to be wasted no the job, leave the factory and become a truck driver.

• Now 16, Elian Gonzalez Shown At Cuba Youth Meeting - He's been in jail for the last decade, I guess.

• Lindsay Lohan's Dad Engaged To Jon Gosselin's Ex, Couple Planning Baby - It's like the perfect storm of gossip page stories. And a vote for instituting eugenics.

• LAPD Seeks Link Between Restaurant Massacre, 2007 Execution-Style Slaying - Because they can't figure out either case. The two-for-one detective method is really catching on.

• Tiger Says He Expects To Win The Masters - The full headline was "Tiger says he expects to win the Masters and Johnson Pervert of the Year award".

• Kate Gosselin & Kids Return To TV In 'Twist Of Kate' - So clever! Just like that other dumb reality show "Kel On Earth"! I think they should get Apple guru Steve Jobs and put him on a turbine-powered wind farm. Call it "Blow Jobs".

• Is Pronger A Problem? - Yes.

• NTSB Probes Crash That Injured Blink 182 Drummer - Thanks for the urgency. That happened two years ago...

• Demi Moore: Obsessing Over Body Image Will Never Reward Us - Says the woman who spent a quarter of a million dollars on plastic surgery to look young. Shut the fuck up.

• 13-Year-Old To Attempt To Climb Everest - That is a long way to go just to try and be popular.

• Mexico May Cut Millions Of Cellphones To Fight Crime - Up there with their other popular plans, cutting food and plumbing to the poor. Oh, wait...that's jsut because they're the largest thrid world nation on the planet.

• Diablo Cody Is Pregnant! - That's one doodle that can't be un-did, homeskillet. And anyone who says "Thanks for the congrats on my fetus" is clearly unfit for motherhood.

• Lin Yu Chun Can Dance! - The androgynous Whitney Houston sound-alike also shakes his gristle. And the results are disturbing.

• No Fries With That: Fast Food Axed At Afghan Bases - Put your life on the line for a war that you don't want to be fighting, and you can't get a damn cheeseburger? War is hell.

• Vatican: Pope Willing To Meet Sex Abuse Victims - Isn't that what Facebook is for if you want to look them up? Going back for seconds, that's not cool.

Twenty Five Minutes On Chatroulette Is Like A Drill To The Head

27b/6 gives a master course in interweb trolling, Chatroulette style:

The problem with Chatroulette and other video based communication is the fact that people can see you. This means that I would have to shower, shave and wear something nice before going online. As it takes me at least four hours just to do my hair, this is simply not practical. Also, I generally write in track suit pants and t-shirt while eating pizza, which would be unfair to the other parties to have to view.

Having heard a lot about Chatroulette, I decided to have a look. For every ten video connections, eight of them were fat people playing with their penis. Apart from a couple of interesting people I met, it was possibly the most pointless website I have ever been on. Just don't even bother.