Columbia, Of Course

Having made a name for themselves as well known for white powder as Aspen, Columbia is now looking to be as lush and green as Northern California.

Their newest cash crop is genetically modified marijuana, grown in greenhouses outside Cali, their capital. The strains sell for 100,000 pesos per kilo - or or $54 for more than two pounds, which is 10 times more than the local price for ordinary marijuana, and way the fuck cheaper than anything getting sold in America.

Local authorities said seeds imported from Europe and the United States have allowed "a bigger production and better quality at the same time". Ugh, guys, you're not discouraging it with that kind of endorsement. One of the modified varieties goes by the name "Creepy", while another that's well known in Europe called "La Cominera", is named for the Colombian village where it grows. These plants have close to an 18% THC concentration level, which beats the piss out of the two to seven percent in regular plants.

Despite the fact that marijuana production is illegal in Colombia (shocking!), farmers have to heed the economic advantages. Coffee and banana crop prices fluctuate widely in Columbia, and it is difficult for goods to reach markets before they spoil, due to their a poor road network (also shocking!). "I don't like growing marijuana, but it ended up that way," one farmer said. "I received a loan to grow coffee, but I was drowning and I had to sell my harvest very cheap. My sister told me it would be better to plant marijuana." Let that be a lesson to you - it's not smoking or alcohol that's a gateway to marijuana, it's sisters.

The plant had been introduced in Columbia in the 1930s, and hemp was originally, legally used in the production of textiles and soccer balls. But in 1962, authorities banned the use of marijuana in those products in order to comply with international standards. Buzzkills!

Though still the world's biggest producer of cocaine (last noted in 2009), marijuana production and sales are growing. Local authorities have already seized 27 tons of marijuana by June, compared to 23 tons last year, and the profits are believed to be financing the sixth front of the FARC guerrilla forces. Having close to 8,00 fighters and spanning more than 47 years, the insurgency is said to be 90% financed by marijuana. The only thing more dependant on weed is Cypress Hill.

Kill-Face(book)

Last week, a list of the names of 69 young men in Puerto Asis, Colombia was published on Facebook. "Leave town in three days", they ominously warned, "or you will be executed." Now, three on the list are dead! That's teach people to not fear anonymous posts on the interweb!

On August 15, two days before the list was published, 16-year-old "student" Diego Ferney Jaramillo and 17-year-old "CD retailer" Eibart Alejandro Ruiz Munoz were killed while riding their motorcycle to another town. Both Munoz and Jaramilo were on the list, which grew to 100 total names as 31 girls were added as few days later. What police thought was a hoax became serious after 19-year-old Norbey Alexander Vargas was killed, and 16-year-old Juan Pablo Zambrano Anacona was injured (by Vargas' killers) on August 20. Both teens' names were on the list.

Authorities don't know who put the list together, though a gang called Los Rastrojos is active in the area, as well as longtime Colombian Marxist rebel group FARC. Reports state the list is now "blocked," though it's unclear what it was exactly on Facebook —a note? An event? A page? And I'm just wondering if it's just easier to unfriend them rather than hunt 100 people down and kill them...

Stellar Parenting

Priorities are slightly different in other countries...if the kid fell at the end, it would be perfect (and prove my point even more).

They're No Longer Content With Anal Probes

The Institute of Hispanic Ufology was established in October of 1998, and we should be thankful, otherwise important info like this would never see the light of day.

The Chilean earthquake was followed by a boom in UFO sightings, but sixteen cases occurred on the night of the tragedy alone, some of them accompanied by significant visual material which have been subjected to study by UFO researchers. That's right, the nuts are sharing pix from their personal loony stashes.

"Researcher" Rodrigo Fuenzalida told Publimetro that the highest concentrations of reports appear to be Las Condes, Peñalolén, Providencia and Colina. “We have eyewitness testimony from a couple that refused to sleep in their apartment on the night of the earthquake, choosing instead to spend the early morning hours in the street. They were able to see an object that looked much like the moon, but immediately realized that the moon was on the other side. This event may have been seen by residents of other communes,” said Fuenzalida. Yep, sounds credible.

Another major sighting took place on Isla Robinson Crusoe, part of the Juan Fernandez Archipelago, where people witnessed an object emerging from the sea shortly before the earthquake. “I’ve heard of the manifestations of these “luminous men”, said the ufologist. “We are in an ideal period for sightings. I would ask everyone to be alert, but be mindful to avoid confusion, or a state of hysteria.” Like the one you're creating giving any credence to those ridiculous stories.

You can shake your head and read more about the UFO that terrified a bus passenger or daytime UFOs.

Hearts Alive Weekend

Yes, it's that weekend. Scarlett wants to keep it low-key, which is fine by me. We both have or idiosyncrasies about it, though if we needed a big song and dance I'd cue the orchestra. We're looking at two years in a matter of days, for those keeping score. Wow. Time flies...

Best of the week:

How'd Pedobear get into the mascot lineup for the 2010 Vancouver Olympics in this highly esteemed Polish newspaper? Who cares! That's awesome!

And apparently, not everyone was quick to catch the mistake. DeportesSpain.com has since posted an Olympic-related article including the same Google Image Search Pedobear illustration. Let this be a lesson in doing your research...and totally blowing it on a global scale.

Plus: Lindsay Lohan is a giant fuck up. She is repeatedly rumored to be on the brink of poverty and has no money, because no one will hire her. And no one will hire her because she’s an irresponsible brat. Do you have any guesses what happened when Austrian billionaire Richard Lugner offered her $150,000 to attend the Vienna Opera Ball (in the past he’s hired Paris Hilton, Carmen Electra and Pam Anderson).

Even she could swing that one, right? It's easy:

Step One: Take a first class flight to London

Step Two: Go to a party

Step Three: Cash a check for $150,000.

Needless to say she fucked everything up long before step one. Lohan was two hours late for her flight. Because she was shopping. And then she couldn’t get on another flight (either because they were full or she couldn’t afford it), so she went to Marmount and got drunk with her 16-year-old sister until 4am.

Brendon at WWTDD cautioned that none of this should be a surprise. "Lindsay could screw up even the simplest of plans. If you offered her a million dollars to put on a hat and stand on a box, you’d come back 5 minutes later to find she bought a million dollar hat and was trapped under the box.

Also: It's nice to see the little guy push a bully back. Take the case of Heavy Ink, an independent comic book publisher.

Hey folks, I thought you might be interested to hear that we received a letter demanding that we take down a web page and destroy all copies of a certain comic.

Here’s the lawyer’s letter:

Here’s my response:

From: tjic
Subject: Olivia Munn

Nigel,

Re: your letter of 4 February 2010 regarding

I write to clear up some misconceptions.

First, the item offered for sale is not “our” comic book – it is created by a third party and offered for sale through our website.

I have never heard of Olivia Munn until you brought her to my attention, but a quick web search turns up a Wikipedia article describing her thusly

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Olivia_Munn : Olivia Munn (born Lisa Olivia Munn) is an American actress, model and television personality.

and her self promoting web page at http://www.oliviamunn.com/, where she displays near topless pictures and links to a cover shot at Maxim magazine.

Given these two websites, it is clear that she is a public figure. As a public figure, the use of her likeness meets the tests for the parody copyright exception set forth in both Campbell v. Acuff-Rose Music, Inc. and the more recent Suntrust v. Houghton Mifflin.

As such, we have no intention of taking down our webpage, destroying any inventory, or refusing to offer the comic for sale.

If you have any further comments you may reach me at this email address,

Travis Corcoran, President
Heavy Ink

Suck it, legal bitches!

And: Abel LeBlanc, a Liberal member of the Canadian New Brunswick legislative assembly, was thrown out of the room yesterday after he gave a rival politician the finger, called her a liar, and then asked the entire parliament to "go outside" (presumably for some sort of great white north beatdown).

The quotes below give you a taste of the outburst, but you owe it to yourself to download the audio, which Cory Doctorow edited out of the CBC As it Happens Podcast and uploaded to the Internet Archive for your enjoyment. Remix gold. Ringtone city. Listen to the rage. Just listen to it.

"I'll not apologize in this house for that young lady over there," he said, before accusing Blaney of telling lies about Saint John-Fundy MLA Stuart Jamieson. Jamieson was asked to step down as tourism minister on Friday for suggesting the controversial deal between NB Power and Hydro-Québec should go to a referendum. LeBlanc did not elaborate on the alleged lies before extending his middle finger again at another Tory MLA and shaking his fist.

"I'm gonna tell you, Dale [Graham, Tory MLA for Carleton], I'll walk outside with any one of yas here," LeBlanc said. "Don't ever laugh at me. Yes, I gave you that. And I'll give you that again. And I'll give you this if you want to go outside. You're a punk!"

Best picture of the week:

amazing and unsettling

Best bonus links:
• Marines Push 'The Breacher' Against Taliban Lines - Sounds like a sex toy, which should make the campaign victory even more satisfying and insulting .

• Google To Build Ultra-Fast Broadband Networks - And I will use them to download even more films, music, and television programs!

• Riverside Police Chief Resigns After Accident - It was the shame of the accident, and surprisingly not for being in Riverside.

• Charlie Sheen Charged With 3 Felonies In Alleged Assault On Wife In Aspen - And yet, no charges for his work in "Two And A Half Men"

• Italian Catholic Scandal Draws In Pope Benedict - A corpse rots from the head up, not just the neck down. Though not as interesting as that Di Vinci nonsense.

• Suspected Serial Killer To Show Clip From 'The Dating Game' In Santa Ana Courtroom - "Bachelor #2, how would you dismember our bachelorette?"

• White House Vows 'Multiple' Attacks On Asian Carp - Because our government has it's priorities straight. Who says we can't fight a war on two fronts?

• Thief Robs Arcade With Cup Of Coffee - Makes off with creamer, a stir stick, and 24 tickets to redeem for a stuffed animal.

• Vonn Using Painkillers, Cheese To Treat Shin - One of those sounds unorthodox, but I just don't know which.

• L.A. Sees Big Jump In Bike Thefts, Prompting Some Vigilante Justice - Bike chains and the Kryptonite locks make for excellent weapons. Who's the Charles Bronson of Lance Armstrongs?

• Welcome To Sallywood: Iconic LA Landmark Gets Facelift - The oldest bitch in the city finally has some work done...and will still look less stiff than other 20 year olds.

• Pink Ouija Board Targeting Young Girls Riles Critics - How dare the dead be contacted in such pretty pink colors! That's offensive!

• Spanish Reality TV: Incestual Rape - Proving that all reunions for reality shows are not quite happy ones.

• Anthrax-Laced Heroin Kills Users - Here's a little extra kick to your high. Is there a problem with that?

• Man Gets 25 To Life For Throwing Bride Off Palos Verdes Cliff - Just following up on this story that we mentioned a few months back. In his defense, it was faster than a divorce.

• Cocaine Found Hidden Among Valentine Roses - Very, very happy Valentines day.


Worst of the week: The Winter Games are starting, and already there's a dark cloud being cast over the events.

Nodar Kumaritashvili, a 21-year-old luger from the former Soviet republic of Georgia, died from head injuries as a result of a horrific crash near the finish line. Kumaritashvili was traveling close to 90 mph when he hit a wall, catapulted into the air, and hit an unpadded steel pole. Medics rushed to his aid, performed chest compressions and mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, and, within eight minutes, he was emergency air-lifted to a local hospital where he was pronounced dead.

Prior to Kumaritashvili's crash, Romanian luger Violeta Stramaturaru had crashed into several walls and was unconscious for a short time—she appears to have no serious side effects. But the criticisms of this track—the world's fastest—had already begun. While natives feel right at home on Whistler's Sliding Track and its twisting, infamous turns, other nations' athletes are not familiar with, for example, "50-50"—a nickname for turn 13—which are the odds of leaving that turn without an accident.

It is a shame to have what should be a festive occasion marred by an accident, but hopefully the Olympic spirit and competition will rise above this black mark.

Plus: The Pamela Anderson career freefall may have reached terminal velocity. Following up her appearance at a Rite-Aid in Pennsylvania last month, her next target for mass exposure? Sears.

Southern California shoppers who happen to be picking up power tools or car tires over the weekend might run into the once primo blonde at The Del Amo Fashion Mall Sears in Torrance or the South Coast Plaza Sears in Costa Mesa. Pam will be promoting her fragrance, "Malibu". Because when you think of a coastal fragrance, Tommy Lee's blonde cock sheath doesn't necessarily spring to mind. I can only imagine it smells like suntan lotion, peroxide bleach, and a Vietnamese nail salon

Also: Saudi religious police launched a nationwide crackdown on stores selling items that are red or in any other way allude to the banned celebrations of Valentine's Day. Finally there's somebody who likes love less than Famous-Ex.

Members of the feared religious police were inspecting shops for red roses, heart-shaped products or gifts wrapped in red, and ordering storeowners to get rid of them, an official said. He spoke on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to speak to reporters - and also took contraband so that he had something to give his wife so he could still get laid.

Red-colored or heart-shaped items are legal at other times of the year, but become contraband in Saudi Arabia as the 14th. The kingdom bans celebration of Western holidays such as Valentine's Day, named after a Christian saint said to have been martyred by the Romans in the 3rd Century. C'mon guys, loosen up and try to have some fun.

Most shops in Riyadh's upscale neighborhoods have removed all red items from their shelves, and a statement by the religious police, informally known as the muttawa, was published in Saudi newspapers, warning shop owners against any violations. "Those who don't comply will be punished," a statement said, without spelling out what measures would befall the offenders.

The Valentine's Day prohibition is in line with Saudi's strict Wahhabi school of Islam that the kingdom has followed for more than a century. The birthplace of Islam also bans several Muslim holidays except the two most important ones because it considers them "religious innovations" that Islam doesn't sanction. Even birthdays and Mother's Day are frowned on by the religious establishment, although people almost never get punished for celebrating them. Many Saudis, who still want to mark the popular Valentine's, do their shopping weeks before the holiday and the buzzkill fatwa.

Attitudes toward Valentine's Day vary across the Arab world, with devout Muslims opposing the holiday as a Western celebration of romantic love that corrupts Muslim youth. Yep, that's love. In contrast, the Egyptian capital Cairo has shops and restaurants going overboard in red ribbon and heart decorations. Dubai, the conservative Muslim city-state with a Western outlook, is every year taken over by a Valentine craze. Luxury hotels are draped in red, offering romantic dinner specials. Malls and cafes are decorated with giant hearts and flower shops offer promotional deals on roses and fancy bouquets.

Apparently prompted by the Saudi ban, a group in the Philippines advocating the welfare of Filipino overseas workers — a million of whom work in Saudi Arabia and another million elsewhere in the Middle East — cautioned its countrymen to celebrate Valentine's Day only in private and refrain from publicly greeting anyone with "Happy Valentine's" across the region.

And: If you want a pillow and blanket in coach on American Airlines, it's going to cost you EIGHT GODDAMN DOLLARS!

They plan to charge in coach class for domestic trips and some international flights longer than two hours, beginning May 1. The international flights are to and from Canada, Mexico, Hawaii, the Caribbean and Central America.

The company said it was as an economic decision. "American evaluates all aspects of the business to ensure that economic decisions are prudent and strategic for the long-term success of the company." See, that proves it. Blankets will remain complimentary in premium-class cabins and in all cabins for other international flights. The airline will sell a blue fleece blanket with an inflatable neck pillow in a clear zippered pouch, and will throw in coupon for $10 off a $30 purchase at Bed, Bath and Beyond - the probable impetus behind the change.

JetBlue and US Airways charge $7 for a blanket-and-pillow set, with US Airways adding eye shades and earplugs - which still doesn't make it right. Airlines have steadily added and increased fees for other services such as checking luggage and buying tickets from a reservation agent since 2008, and American parent AMR Corp. lost $1.47 billion last year — and $3.59 billion in the past two years. Maybe it's the pay-to-play service model they created.

Worst picture of the week:

actually, no

Worst bonus links:
• Howard Stern Confirms He's In Talks To Judge Idol - I liked when he was judging it without being on the show. Howard knows fart and dick jokes, but pop music? I don't think so.

• 'Milkshake Murder' Verdict Overturned - I don't know exactly where the milkshake ties in, but it can't be good. Because milkshakes are delicious and murder, not so much...

• Vampire Author Anne Rice Set To Release Video Book - Video book = oxymoron. Anne Rice relevance = zero.

• 'Great White' Attack Was Docile Carpet Shark - Which causes almost as much undue hysteria as the furniture stingray.

• British Fashion Designer McQueen Found Dead At 40 / McQueen Death Leaves Succession Problems - It's McQueen, not the Queen. Is there a Dutchess of Patternmaking in line for his throne? I guess being faboulous and famous isn't always enough.

• Olivia Newton-John Tops List Of Sexiest Songs - "Physical"? I loves me some ON-J (especially Xanadu), but there are far better songs. Something that is more suited to kareoke than kama sutra just excentuates it.

• Nobel-Winning Physicist Says Time Can't Run Backward - You can't go back in time to prevent getting that STD, but you can jump forward to when that gal becomes legal.

• Discovery Channel: 'Deadliest Catch' Captain Dies - Apparently, catching a clot thrown of from a stroke is the deadliest.

• Lil Wayne Sentencing Postponed For Dental Reasons - If he just went to jail, they'd remove his grill for free.

• French Intellectual Caught Quoting Fake Philosopher - Qu'est-ce qui se bullshit? Pro - you always have a quote that is relevant and totally fitting. Con - Eventually folks will catch on if you keep referencing Steve the cat.

• Celine Dion Coming Back To Vegas For 3-Year Stint - In related news, I plan to avoid Las Vegas for the next three years.

• Girl, 7, Gets OK To Be Samba Queen In Rio Carnival / Shootout In Rio Slum Ahead Of Carnival; 8 Dead - Ain't no party like a Brazilian party!

• Sweet Tooth in Children May Be Linked to Alcoholism - It's terrible to think that they want to eat a bunch of sugar along with the burden of excessive drinking

• Haiti Gives Death Toll Of 270,000; No Explanation - Here, let me help; it was an already super-impoverished deathtrap before the deadly earthquake...the math does itself.

• Lauren Conrad Tops Bestsellers List Again - America must be destroyed. There's no other solution.

• Bachelor's Tenley Withheld Sex From Ex-Husband - And that's why you were divorced and are now looking for a husband on a reality television show.

An Average Weekend

Gonna rest and relax in preparation for next week's snowboarding trip...so there.

Best of the week: More than 100 Russian Orthodox believers have been hospitalized after drinking holy water during Epiphany celebrations in the eastern city of Irkutsk. Not so holy, was it?

A total of 117 people, including 48 children, were in the hospital complaining of acute intestinal pain after drinking water from wells in and around a local church last week. That's just the passion of the Christ...in the form of a bacterial parasite. Over 204 people have required some medical treatment after consuming the water, the source of which was a stagnant lake.

Many Russians consider any water obtained on Epiphany — which they celebrate on Jan. 19 — to be holy. The water is typically bottled for consumption later. With that thinking, they may as well slurp it out of puddles and toilets. By the way, tap water in most of Russia is undrinkable.

Plus: In late October, Newsday, the Long Island daily that the Dolan family bought for $650 million, put its web site, newsday.com, behind a pay wall. The paper was one of the first non-business newspapers to take the plunge. So, three months later, how many people have signed up to pay $5 a week, or $260 a year, to get unfettered access to newsday.com?

The answer: 35 people. As in fewer than a decent-sized elementary-school class.

That astoundingly low figure was revealed in a newsroom-wide meeting last week by publisher Terry Jimenez when a reporter asked how many people had signed up for the site. Mr. Jimenez didn't know the number off the top of his head, so he asked a deputy sitting near him. The web site redesign and relaunch cost the Dolans $4 million, according to Mr. Jimenez. With those 35 people, they've grossed about $9,000.

Of course, there are a few caveats. Anyone who has a newspaper subscription is allowed free access; anyone who has Optimum Cable, which is owned by the Dolans and Cablevision, also gets it free. Newsday representatives claim that 75% of Long Island either has a subscription or Optimum Cable. "We're the freebie newsletter that comes with your HBO," sniffed one Newsday reporter.

And no matter how they try to spin the fact that they're opening the site up to tens of thousands for free, traffic has fallen nevertheless. In December, the web site had 1.5 million unique visits, a drop from 2.2 million in October. The paper, which traditionally has been a powerful money maker, lost $7 million in the first three quarters of last year, according to Jimenez at the meeting. Now the paper is in the middle of a labor dispute in which it wants to extract a 10% pay cut from all employees - which was turned down by a lopsided vote of 473 to 10.

There's nothing like seeing rich people lose money in investments that are bad, backed by ideas that are poorly thought out.

Also: American Apparel - and specifically owner Dov Charney, have been heavily documented here as sleazy soft-core pornographers masquerading as a business. And their newest idea is a new low...and high.

We're looking for a brand new bum (the best in the world!) to be the new "face" for our always expanding intimates and briefs lines. The winners will be flown to LA, photographed and featured online. Send in a close-up photo of your backside wearing American Apparel panties, bodysuits or briefs for consideration and vote for your personal favorites.

You must be 18 years of age [even if you don't look it] or older to enter. Submit your photo(s) between January 28, 2010, and February 21, 2010. Two winners - selected by American Apparel judges - will be eligible to be our next butt model. The top ten contestants, as voted on by the public, will receive a grab bag of American Apparel items valued at $300.

A "contest" that includes submitting pictures of your ass in their apparel (which you can conveniently purchase if you don't have any)...pure perverted genius. You're scumbags, but I have to tip my hat at your ingenuity.

And: Italian erotic film director Tinto Brass announced that he would produce what he called the world's first-ever 3D pornographic production. If you really want that kind of action, just head to one of the remaining adult film theaters and you'll get 3-D. Possibly 4-D.

Brass, best known for his 1979 film Caligula, which he directed in collaboration with noted author Gore Vidal and magazine publisher Bob Guccione, said the time is right for 3D technologies to be used to create an erotic film. He noted that the project, which he said will be the world's first 3D erotic film, will also be the first 3D film of any type made in Italy.

Brass said that with the film he plans to "revisit an abandoned project about a Roman emperor that was ruined by Americans, and go from there," a reference to Caligula, which he has criticized because of hard-core sex scenes added during postproduction without his consent. He said he would start work on casting and the script immediately, and that he planned to start filming in May or June.

You have to figure the story can't be any less dull and predictable than Avatar, right?

Best picture of the week:

I think Leslie Nielsen wore it better in The Naked Gun

Best bonus links:
• Should The Census Offer 'Negro' As An Identity Option? - Shit yeah!

• Detective Handsome Has Cracked The Case - There's no way a gal younger than me dies from a stress related heart attack from losing an acting gig. Try a decade in the garment business and see who's got more explosive chest issues...

• NY Dairy Farmer Kills 51 Cows, Commits Suicide - Why have the cow when you can kill it and keep the milk from being free?

• Richardson Gives Kings 3-2 Comeback Win Over Wings - First win at Detroit in years, and something like the first in 27 games against them. Now three wins in a row on a five game road trip.

• Gisele: "I Gave Birth In The Bathtub" - That beats me...I just peed a little in mine.

• Cops Stop Cyclist With Butcher Knife-Pool Cue Axe - C'mon, you can't not stop a guy with a butcher knife-pool cue axe?

• Did Botox Kill Girl With Cerebral Palsy? - I don't know, but we may have found another good use for botox!

• John Edwards Says Separation 'Extraordinarily Sad' - Just like Dennis Hopper earlier in the week...how awesome of a statement is it that you'd rather fight terminal cancer alone than have to spend any more time living with someone you loathe.

• 37 killed In Baghdad As 'Chemical Ali' Hanged - It's a shame to see celebrating carry over too far. I though this was just the providence of winning sports championships.

• Many Children 'Hear Voices'; Most Aren't Bothered - Finally, there's others out there like me. The key is not paying attention to what they're telling you.

• Child Porn Suspect Is Found Dead By FBI In Whittier - Or as I like to call it, unburdening the justice system.

• Book: John Paul II Used Belt To Whip Himself - A repressed Catholic into kinky, sexual acts? What a shock...

• Ugly Truth For 'Ugly Betty': This Season It Ends - One less shitty show coming back in the fall...hooray!

• Send California Inmates To Mexico, Says Schwarzenegger - You're on the right track. How about also sending illegal immigrants back to Mexico while you're at it?


Worst of the week: As soon as CBS announced that The Who would play the Super Bowl halftime show, you had to see it coming - they're going to play all three “CSI” theme songs. and if CBS is anything, they're predictable.

Pete Townsend said, “We’re kinda doing a mashup of stuff...a bit of ‘Baba O’Riley’ [CSI: NY], a bit of ‘Pinball Wizard,’ a bit of the close of ‘Tommy,’ a bit of ‘Who Are You,’ [CSI] and a bit of ‘Won’t Get Fooled Again’ [CSI: Miami]. It works — it’s quite a saga. A lot of the stuff that we do has that kind of celebratory vibe about it — we’ve always tried to make music that allows the audience to go a bit wild if they want to. Hopefully it will hit the spot.”

Does the inclusion of “Pinball Wizard” mean CBS is working on “CSI: Special Needs Unit”? Don't put it past them.

And in a bid to keep the neighborhood safe, advocacy group Protect Our Children is sending cards to about 1500 residences near the site of Super Bowl XLIV to “alert” the community. Why? Because Townsend is registered in Britain as a sex offender, the result of being caught in the middle of a child pornography sting back in 2003. Just in case The Who would be driving down their route to the stadium from the airport and then suddenly veer off-course for a quick bite of third grader.

Also: Human remains were found near a home where investigators were searching for the body of a missing man who won millions of dollars in the lottery nearly four years ago.

You may recall Abraham Shakespeare, the 43-year-old truck driver's assistant missing since April, though not reported missing until November. He had won a $31 million lottery jackpot in 2006, opting for a lump sum payment of nearly $17 million. And now his remains have been identified. Please feign surprise that the remains were found at a home owned by the boyfriend of Dorice Moore, a "person of interest" for the sheriff, though she had not been charged.

In December, Moore told a local newspaper that she helped Shakespeare disappear, but now wants him to return because detectives were searching her home and car and looking for blood on her belongings. Moore transferred more than $1 million from Shakespeare's bank account into hers. She said the money was a gift. Hope she uses it for a good defense attorney.

Plus: Argentina's president recommended pork as an alternative to Viagra. Nothing like a country's leader talking about how well they got porked after eating some.

The highly presidential comments came as she admitted she spent a satisfying weekend with her husband after eating barbecued pork. "I've just been told something I didn't know; that eating pork improves your sex life ... I'd say it's a lot nicer to eat a bit of grilled pork than take Viagra," President Cristina Fernandez said to leaders of the pig farming industry, who were surely not expecting to hear he talk about fucking her husband.

After she ate pork, "things went very well that weekend, so it could well be true." Argentines are the world's biggest per capita consumers of beef, but the government has sought to promote pork as an alternative in recent years due to rising steak prices and as a way to diversify the meat industry. "Trying it doesn't cost anything, so let's give it a go," Fernandez said in the televised speech. I'm all for the government trying to help develop businesses, but not at the expense of having leaders talk about their sex lives publicly. You're a nation's leader, not an American Apparel ad - have some class.

And: A college student returning to school after the winter break fell victim to a "prank" at Philadelphia's airport by a Transportation Security Administration worker who pretended to plant a plastic bag of white powder in her carry on luggage.

The worker is no longer employed by the TSA after the incident this month, a spokeswoman said.

Rebecca Solomon (22), a University of Michigan student, wrote in a column for her campus newspaper that she was having her bags screened on Jan. 5 before her flight to Detroit when the employee stopped her, reached into her laptop computer bag and pulled out the plastic bag, demanding to know where she had gotten the powder. She recounted how she struggled to come up with an explanation, wondering if it was bomb-detonating material slipped in by a terrorist or drugs put there by a smuggler.

"He let me stutter through an explanation for the longest minute of my life...tears streamed down my face as I pleaded with him to understand that I'd never seen this baggie before." A short time later, she said, the worker smiled and said it was his. The worker "waved the baggie at me and told me he was kidding, that I should've seen the look on my face," she said.

A TSA spokeswoman said late the employee was no longer with the agency but did not specify whether he had been fired or quit, referring only to "disciplinary action" taken by the TSA. She also declined to identify the worker or his job title, citing privacy laws, and did not know whether his actions would be subject to criminal charges.

No wonder half the world hates us. Sometimes, we're just asking for it.

Worst picture of the week year:

Versace at it's most unfashionable

Worst bonus links:
• Edwards' Ex-Mistress Wants 'Private' Tape Returned - Part 2 of 'John Edwards is a scumbag' news. I figure she wants it back so she can sell it - what's the point otherwise. Everbody already knows you're a whore.

• Nancy Kerrigan's Brother Arrested In Connection With Father's Death - This time, Tonya Harding is in the clear.

• Ultrasound Not Foolproof - Yes, it failed to detect a 0.0003% occuring birth defect which lead to a baby without occular tissue. Nobody knows why it happened...but I'm going to put some money on the fact the mother is 15. (Yes, you also win if you guessed she's from Florida)

• NH Teacher, 100, Gets Degree A Day Before Dying - That proves having goals and something to live for really matter.

• QB Kurt Warner Retires, Ending 12-year NFL Career - No maore Jesus warrior, no more gremlin wife either.

• Usher Testifies He Saw Kansas Abortion Doc's Slaying - Dude, stop with the crappy R&B and do something about it. Oh, wait, not that Usher.

• Miramax Offices Close, Disney Says Brand Continues - Let's see how your "brand" fairs when there's no company behind it. The end of an era for indie film.

• Michelle Duggar: Recent Birth 'Was One Of The Scariest Moments Of My Life' - When you're on number 19, you should jut shut the fuck up. Scary is that you're a breeding machine.

• Stephanopoulos Learns Of Genetic Link To A Clinton - Oh my God! Can it be possible...that nobody cares about a pint-sized right talking head and and who he's possibly related to.

• Nick Cannon: Having Babies With Mariah Only Priority in Life - What a clever way to stay connected to her fortune and fame.

• Susan Boyle Gives Thumbs Up After Intruder Scare - Clearly, she frightened them away. That's one of the few times if you were to get arrested for sexual assault you'd actual be the victim.

• Breast-Milk For Haiti: Why Donations Are Being Discouraged - Because that's gross, for starters.

• Jessica Simpson Has A New Snuggle Companion - More non-news from a no-talent who spends more time oversharing than disappearing. Let's see if she can keep this one from ending up as coyote food.

• Diddy Bought His Son A $360,000 Car For His 16th Birthday - Just because he's not in the spotlight much anymore doesn't mean he's not an insufferable, pompus idiot. Looking forward to the inevitable teenage fender bender.

Pinback Weekend

Lots of rock and roll in the upcoming week, but it starts with Pinback making an appearance in town. Last time they came through Rybot and I not only caught the show, but also the "stuntman" who thought he could cross a street on a rainy night in the middle of traffic. Fortunately his F1 reflexes kept us from adding to the mess, the same can not be said of the vehicle that blasted the stuntman legs high and clipped his gal pal. No similar accident earlier in the week when Rybot caught Pinback in Colorado. We'll see what happens here. And now, stuff from this week...

Best of the week: Shoplifters of the world unite!

According to an annual survey, incidents of shoplifting rose by nearly 6% over the past year, representing nearly $115 billion in losses for businesses. And one of the more surprising findings: a growing number of new shoplifters are outwardly reputable, middle-class people who are walking off with French cheeses, quality meats, cosmetics, mobile phones, clothing and other goodies that they feel they need to maintain a quality of life they can no longer afford. Wow, we really have hit hard times of meats and cheeses are getting boosted.

"People already feeling, or merely anticipating, the negative impact of recession have taken to stealing ... at the very time retailers also suffering from the downturn have had to cut back on security staff," says the Britain-based Center for Retail Research. The findings were documented in its annual Global Retail Theft Barometer. "In addition to the usual criminals, you have lots of newcomers to stealing who figure they don't run much risk at getting caught, won't pay much of a price if they are and justify their action on the hard times we're all facing."

The researchers found that shoplifting - or what's euphemistically known as product "shrinkage" - jumped by 5.9% in the past year at the more than 1,000 retail chains the group surveyed globally. In previous years, the increase only hovered around 1.5% annually. Though the problem was documented across all regions, the steepest increases occurred in North America (8.1%), the Middle East (7.5%) and Europe (4.7%). In terms of total losses, retailers in North America topped the charts at $46 billion, followed by Europe's $44 billion and $17.9 billion in the Asia-Pacific region. In North America and Latin America, store owners and employees were the leading pilferers; in Europe, Asia and the Middle East, it was customers who were swiping the most loot.

Theft by organized criminals for the purposes of resale remains the biggest segment of shoplifting, there's been a noticeable increase in the number of middle-class people stuffing their pockets. Interviews with shoplifters and police, more than a few of these individuals regard this kind of stealing in the current economic crisis as fully justified.

Also: A Brazilian woman whose short, pink dress caused a near riot at a private college led to her expulsion now has permission to return to class.

Bandeirante University backed down on its decision to expel 20-year-old Geisy Arruda following a flood of negative reaction. Videos of students ridiculing her and making catcalls turned up on the Web and drew attention to the event around the world. Just hours after the Brazilian government demanded an explanation from the university, its dean released a statement saying he was reversing the school's decision to expel Arruda. Arruda's expulsion was condemned by Brazil's national student union, the Brazilian BAR Association, and several other institutions. The university's original decision showed "intolerance and discrimination," said Brazil's minister for women's policy.

The Education Ministry had given the university 10 days to clarify its reasoning for kicking out Arruda, who was forced to put on a professor's white coat and was escorted away by police amid a hail of insults and curses from other students. Arruda said just before the decision was issued that she was humiliated by the experience and was never warned by university officials that her dress was too racy. Is there such a thing in Brazil, home of Carnival, and where the hardest core of pron is made (yes Rio Loco and your 351 minutes of group sex, that's you).

The university published newspaper advertisements saying it expelled Arruda for disrespecting "ethical principles, academic dignity and morality." The ads also alleged Arruda acted in a provocative manner incompatible with the university's environment. That's going a bit far to take out ads, but if their lawyer's statement - "The problem is not her clothes. It's her behavior, her attitude," are really the issue, then how can behavior and attitude not expell half of a college's students at any given time? It is college...

And: A Duke University study on sex toys has raised the ire of the University’s Catholic Center director. Any story with the words "sex toys" and "Catholic" is an instant fight!

Not that he’s worried about the participants who might be breaking vows of celibacy, and doing it with handcuffs and vibrators, but Father Joe Vetter says he’s concerned that the study will encourage young women to “just sit around and masturbate” instead of hitting up singles night to track down their future husband. C'mon padre, how are they gonna hone their skills for their husband if they don't practice?

The study, being conducted by a behavioral economist and student health workers, was advertised around the Duke campus for much of October. Researchers were interested in female attitudes towards sex and sexually-themed “toys” and paraphernalia. Women filled out a survey and took part in a one-hour meeting, where they were asked to view sex toys and discuss them with other participants. As incentive to donate their time, the women were all offered a gift bag, and discounts on the items.

Student health workers say they hope the study will shed light on whether sex toys can be a useful tool in curbing campus promiscuity, which should please Papa Joe. But no! “I’m concerned about promiscuity also,” Vetter said. “And to be honest, I don’t have the solution. My concern is these students are in this developmental phase, and I don’t think it’s a good developmental practice to just tell somebody to just sit around and masturbate. I don’t think that promotes relationships.” Glad you have an opinion but nothing beyond that in way of a solution to give yourself any credibility.

It is terrific to imagine college gals firing up some scented candles and Jason Mraz while getting their battery recharges set to swap out used AAs, but as usual, the nightmares of the church (and my fantasies) are unlikely to come true. The study is already completed, but Vetter still plans to protest by speaking on the topic at mass this weekend. He’ll be preaching to the choir, since the women from the study probably have other plans for their Sunday morning.

Picture of the week:

Asian Calvin, FTW

Best bonus links:
• One Key Found for Living To 100 - Is it don't die?

• ABC Axes Hank - Guess audiences just want Frasier to be Fraiser. And they're not keeping the witches of Eastwick on their air either. Sadly my Dollhouse also got shitcanned - but at least they claim to be airing the remaining episiodes.

• Colorado Balloon Boy Parents Plead Guilty - Is the charge being irresponsible, horrible parents?

• Celine Dion Not Pregnant - There are a lot of things she's not (tolerable, interesting, etc.), but mostly, not bringing another one of these into the world.

Worst of the week: Air Jackass

First, LeBron James wants NBA players to give up their No. 23s to honor Michael Jordan.

James, who has worn 23 since he was a high school sophomore, believes players should pay tribute to Jordan for the Hall of Famer's impact on the game. I believe he should shut the fuck up and just count his millions for bouncing a ball. "I just think what Michael Jordan has done for the game has to be recognized in some way — soon. There would be no LeBron James, no Kobe Bryant, no Dwyane Wade, you name all the best players in the league right now and the last 10 years, there would be none of us without Michael Jordan." I beleive he get's that recognition in his multi-million dollar endorsements and repeat championships.

James said he has been considering the change for some time, and is willing to switch to No. 6 — his U.S. Olympic team number, and wants to start a petition to get every player in the league wearing 23 to give up the number. So what, just because you want to do it, everybody else should? Um, fuck you?

"It's time," James said. "He's the best basketball player we've ever seen. Mike does it on the court and off the court. If you see 23, you think about Michael Jordan. You see guys flying through the air, you think about Michael Jordan. You see game-winning shots, you think about Michael Jordan. You see fly kicks, you think about Michael Jordan. He did so much, it has to be recognized, and not just by putting him in the Hall of Fame." Let's elect him President of Awesomeland!

"He can't get the logo, and if he can't, something has to be done," James said, referring to the NBA logo that's modeled on a silhouette of Jerry West. "I feel like no NBA player should wear 23. Nobody. If I'm not going to wear No. 23, then nobody else should be able to wear it." I have an idea...why don't you rest that big brain of yours and try to win yourself a championship. Because only winners get to make suggestions. James must formally notify the NBA by early March if he plans to change numbers. He has not done so yet, and players generally must wear a number five years before they can apply to switch.

And if it's not LeBron tarnishing Jordan's legacy with stupid comments, it's Jordan himself. Evidence? The nasty 2010 Air Jordan.

The most obvious distinction is a massive transparent window through the middle of the shoe as a representation of Michael Jordan’s on-court prowess of “seeing through opponents”. Yes, that is the type of bullshit that only a stupid athlete can swallow coming from a marketing guy.

“The celebration of the AIR JORDAN 2010 and our 25th anniversary are the pinnacle of a year full of milestones for me,” said Jordan. “With each shoe, consumers have pushed me to take the next AIR JORDAN beyond their wildest imagination. The AIR JORDAN 2010 marks the future of Jordan Brand and proves there are no limits to what this Brand is capable of creating.” True, bad taste has no limits.

“The AIR JORDAN 2010 pays homage to Jordan’s ability to know his opponents next move while only giving hints of his ability and allowing the players to only see what he wanted them to see on the court. His keen instinct for anticipating his challengers’ next move and disguising his own techniques are just a few of the attributes that led to him being named the greatest basketball player ever to play the game.”

Let's not even hurt ourselves trying to figure out how the "transparent thermoplastic urethane window" - aka plastic, can be both homage to his seeing through opponents as well as only allowing players to see what he wants them to. It's typical marketing doublespeak for "Our idea is so goddamn dumb that we're going to make up silly, contradictory things just to distract you from how awful the product is".

Saturday, February 13, 2010 is your day to waste $170 on a stupid, ugly ass shoe.

And: The paradox of stupidity.

When the supercooled magnets in sector 81 of the Large Hadron Collider began to dangerously overheat, scientists rushed to diagnose the problem, since the particle accelerator had to maintain a temperature colder than deep space in order to work. The culprit? A bit of baguette that a passing bird probably dropped the chunk of on an electrical substation above the accelerator, causing a power cut. The baguette was removed, power to the cryogenic system was restored and within a few days the magnets returned to their supercool temperatures. But what most scientists and folks with even the smallest amount of common sense would write off the event as a freak accident, two "esteemed" physicists have formulated a theory that suggests an alternative explanation: perhaps a time-traveling bird was sent from the future to sabotage the experiment.

Bech Nielsen of the Niels Bohr Institute in Copenhagen and Masao Ninomiya of the Yukawa Institute for Theoretical Physics in Kyoto, Japan, have published several papers over the past year arguing that the CERN experiment may be the latest in a series of physics research projects whose purposes are so unacceptable to the universe that they are doomed to fail, subverted by the future. I was unaware how large the theoretical component was to that part of physics.

The 17-mile underground LHC ring was designed to smash atoms together at high energies, in part to find proof of a hypothetical subatomic particle called the Higgs boson. According to current theory, the Higgs is responsible for imparting mass to all things in the universe. But ever since Peter Higgs first postulated the existence of the particle in 1964, attempts to capture the particle have failed.

In 1993, the multibillion-dollar United States Superconducting Supercollider, which was designed to search for the Higgs, was abruptly canceled by Congress. In 2000, scientists at a previous CERN accelerator, LEP, said they were on the verge of discovering the particle when, again, funding dried up. And now there's the LHC. Originally scheduled to start operating in 2006, it has been hit with a series of delays and setbacks, including a sudden explosion between two magnets nine days after the accelerator was first turned on, the arrest of one of its contributing physicists on suspicion of terrorist activity and, most recently, the aerial bread bombardment from a bird. (A CERN spokesman said power cuts such as the one caused by the errant baguette are common for a device that requires as much electricity as the nearby city of Geneva, and that physicists are confident they will begin circulating atoms by the end of the year).

In a series of audacious papers, Nielsen and Ninomiya have suggested that setbacks to the LHC occur because of "reverse chronological causation," which is to say, sabotage from the future. That's how you explain how Congress abruptly canceled funding in 1993 and again in 2000 when scientists at a previous CERN accelerator were on the verge of discovering the particle? Pretty convenient explanation. The papers suggest that the Higgs boson may be "abhorrent to nature" and the LHC's creation of the Higgs sometime in the future sends ripples backward through time to scupper its own creation. Each time scientists are on the verge of capturing the Higgs, the theory holds, the future intercedes.

Many physicists say that Nielsen and Ninomiya's theory, while intellectually interesting, cannot be accurate because the event that the LHC is trying to recreate already happens in nature. Oops...guess they didn't theoretically think it through enough. Particle collisions of an energy equivalent to those planned in the LHC occur when high-energy cosmic rays collide with the earth's atmosphere. And some scientists believe that the Tevatron accelerator near Chicago has already created Higgs bosons without incident; they are now refining data from their collisions to prove the Higgs' existence.

Nielsen counters that nature might allow a small number of Higgs to be produced by the Tevatron, but would prevent the production of the large number of particles the LHC is anticipated to produce. Wow, another dodge in the face of logical explanasion. He also acknowledges that Higgs particles are probably produced in cosmic collisions, but says it's impossible to know whether nature has stopped a great deal of these collisions from happening. No, it's called inventing more made up theory in a realm of already nebulous field of possibilities for the sake of job security

Worst picture of the week:

A repeat for Lady fug Gaga, who channels her inner Amy Winehouse to look so hideous.

Worst bonus links:
• UK starts study on using human DNA in animals - You've late to the game they've been doing that testing in the South for decades. And the law is against it.

• Ecclestone: Button Doesn't Deserve To Be Champion - It's bad enough Bernie runs his mouth like a retard, but now his dipshit debutant daughter has started on the ridiculous comments. Never trust a trust fund baby who feels slighted from an interview.

• Levi Johnston Hits Tanning Bed Before Playgirl Shoot - This week's OMG! Idiotic Non-Story Of The Week cover's the hick sperm donor's 14th-and-a-half minute of fame. When they ask what to expect from the shoot, he replies, "You'll have to wait. I know what I'm going to do, but y'all don't." Thanks, you fucktard, we understand you're not clear on the concept of questions yet.

• Winona Ryder Resorts To Hallmark Movie - It was that or be part of that shoplifting story I guess. Did she run out of musicians to attach herself too? Ah...you had it right Johnny Depp - Wino Forever.