Best of the week: More than 100 Russian Orthodox believers have been hospitalized after drinking holy water during Epiphany celebrations in the eastern city of Irkutsk. Not so holy, was it?A total of 117 people, including 48 children, were in the hospital complaining of acute intestinal pain after drinking water from wells in and around a local church last week. That's just the passion of the Christ...in the form of a bacterial parasite. Over 204 people have required some medical treatment after consuming the water, the source of which was a stagnant lake.
Many Russians consider any water obtained on Epiphany — which they celebrate on Jan. 19 — to be holy. The water is typically bottled for consumption later. With that thinking, they may as well slurp it out of puddles and toilets. By the way, tap water in most of Russia is undrinkable.
Plus: In late October, Newsday, the Long Island daily that the Dolan family bought for $650 million, put its web site, newsday.com, behind a pay wall. The paper was one of the first non-business newspapers to take the plunge. So, three months later, how many people have signed up to pay $5 a week, or $260 a year, to get unfettered access to newsday.com?
The answer: 35 people. As in fewer than a decent-sized elementary-school class.
That astoundingly low figure was revealed in a newsroom-wide meeting last week by publisher Terry Jimenez when a reporter asked how many people had signed up for the site. Mr. Jimenez didn't know the number off the top of his head, so he asked a deputy sitting near him. The web site redesign and relaunch cost the Dolans $4 million, according to Mr. Jimenez. With those 35 people, they've grossed about $9,000.
Of course, there are a few caveats. Anyone who has a newspaper subscription is allowed free access; anyone who has Optimum Cable, which is owned by the Dolans and Cablevision, also gets it free. Newsday representatives claim that 75% of Long Island either has a subscription or Optimum Cable. "We're the freebie newsletter that comes with your HBO," sniffed one Newsday reporter.
And no matter how they try to spin the fact that they're opening the site up to tens of thousands for free, traffic has fallen nevertheless. In December, the web site had 1.5 million unique visits, a drop from 2.2 million in October. The paper, which traditionally has been a powerful money maker, lost $7 million in the first three quarters of last year, according to Jimenez at the meeting. Now the paper is in the middle of a labor dispute in which it wants to extract a 10% pay cut from all employees - which was turned down by a lopsided vote of 473 to 10.
There's nothing like seeing rich people lose money in investments that are bad, backed by ideas that are poorly thought out.
Also: American Apparel - and specifically owner Dov Charney, have been heavily documented here as sleazy soft-core pornographers masquerading as a business. And their newest idea is a new low...and high.
We're looking for a brand new bum (the best in the world!) to be the new "face" for our always expanding intimates and briefs lines. The winners will be flown to LA, photographed and featured online. Send in a close-up photo of your backside wearing American Apparel panties, bodysuits or briefs for consideration and vote for your personal favorites.
You must be 18 years of age [even if you don't look it] or older to enter. Submit your photo(s) between January 28, 2010, and February 21, 2010. Two winners - selected by American Apparel judges - will be eligible to be our next butt model. The top ten contestants, as voted on by the public, will receive a grab bag of American Apparel items valued at $300.
A "contest" that includes submitting pictures of your ass in their apparel (which you can conveniently purchase if you don't have any)...pure perverted genius. You're scumbags, but I have to tip my hat at your ingenuity.
And: Italian erotic film director Tinto Brass announced that he would produce what he called the world's first-ever 3D pornographic production. If you really want that kind of action, just head to one of the remaining adult film theaters and you'll get 3-D. Possibly 4-D.
Brass, best known for his 1979 film Caligula, which he directed in collaboration with noted author Gore Vidal and magazine publisher Bob Guccione, said the time is right for 3D technologies to be used to create an erotic film. He noted that the project, which he said will be the world's first 3D erotic film, will also be the first 3D film of any type made in Italy.
Brass said that with the film he plans to "revisit an abandoned project about a Roman emperor that was ruined by Americans, and go from there," a reference to Caligula, which he has criticized because of hard-core sex scenes added during postproduction without his consent. He said he would start work on casting and the script immediately, and that he planned to start filming in May or June.
You have to figure the story can't be any less dull and predictable than Avatar, right?
Best picture of the week:
I think Leslie Nielsen wore it better in The Naked Gun 
Best bonus links:
• Should The Census Offer 'Negro' As An Identity Option? - Shit yeah!
• Detective Handsome Has Cracked The Case - There's no way a gal younger than me dies from a stress related heart attack from losing an acting gig. Try a decade in the garment business and see who's got more explosive chest issues...
• NY Dairy Farmer Kills 51 Cows, Commits Suicide - Why have the cow when you can kill it and keep the milk from being free?
• Richardson Gives Kings 3-2 Comeback Win Over Wings - First win at Detroit in years, and something like the first in 27 games against them. Now three wins in a row on a five game road trip.
• Gisele: "I Gave Birth In The Bathtub" - That beats me...I just peed a little in mine.
• Cops Stop Cyclist With Butcher Knife-Pool Cue Axe - C'mon, you can't not stop a guy with a butcher knife-pool cue axe?
• Did Botox Kill Girl With Cerebral Palsy? - I don't know, but we may have found another good use for botox!
• John Edwards Says Separation 'Extraordinarily Sad' - Just like Dennis Hopper earlier in the week...how awesome of a statement is it that you'd rather fight terminal cancer alone than have to spend any more time living with someone you loathe.
• 37 killed In Baghdad As 'Chemical Ali' Hanged - It's a shame to see celebrating carry over too far. I though this was just the providence of winning sports championships.
• Many Children 'Hear Voices'; Most Aren't Bothered - Finally, there's others out there like me. The key is not paying attention to what they're telling you.
• Child Porn Suspect Is Found Dead By FBI In Whittier - Or as I like to call it, unburdening the justice system.
• Book: John Paul II Used Belt To Whip Himself - A repressed Catholic into kinky, sexual acts? What a shock...
• Ugly Truth For 'Ugly Betty': This Season It Ends - One less shitty show coming back in the fall...hooray!
• Send California Inmates To Mexico, Says Schwarzenegger - You're on the right track. How about also sending illegal immigrants back to Mexico while you're at it?
Worst of the week: As soon as CBS announced that The Who would play the Super Bowl halftime show, you had to see it coming - they're going to play all three “CSI” theme songs. and if CBS is anything, they're predictable.
Pete Townsend said, “We’re kinda doing a mashup of stuff...a bit of ‘Baba O’Riley’ [CSI: NY], a bit of ‘Pinball Wizard,’ a bit of the close of ‘Tommy,’ a bit of ‘Who Are You,’ [CSI] and a bit of ‘Won’t Get Fooled Again’ [CSI: Miami]. It works — it’s quite a saga. A lot of the stuff that we do has that kind of celebratory vibe about it — we’ve always tried to make music that allows the audience to go a bit wild if they want to. Hopefully it will hit the spot.”
Does the inclusion of “Pinball Wizard” mean CBS is working on “CSI: Special Needs Unit”? Don't put it past them.
And in a bid to keep the neighborhood safe, advocacy group Protect Our Children is sending cards to about 1500 residences near the site of Super Bowl XLIV to “alert” the community. Why? Because Townsend is registered in Britain as a sex offender, the result of being caught in the middle of a child pornography sting back in 2003. Just in case The Who would be driving down their route to the stadium from the airport and then suddenly veer off-course for a quick bite of third grader.
Also: Human remains were found near a home where investigators were searching for the body of a missing man who won millions of dollars in the lottery nearly four years ago.
You may recall Abraham Shakespeare, the 43-year-old truck driver's assistant missing since April, though not reported missing until November. He had won a $31 million lottery jackpot in 2006, opting for a lump sum payment of nearly $17 million. And now his remains have been identified. Please feign surprise that the remains were found at a home owned by the boyfriend of Dorice Moore, a "person of interest" for the sheriff, though she had not been charged.
In December, Moore told a local newspaper that she helped Shakespeare disappear, but now wants him to return because detectives were searching her home and car and looking for blood on her belongings. Moore transferred more than $1 million from Shakespeare's bank account into hers. She said the money was a gift. Hope she uses it for a good defense attorney.
Plus: Argentina's president recommended pork as an alternative to Viagra. Nothing like a country's leader talking about how well they got porked after eating some.
The highly presidential comments came as she admitted she spent a satisfying weekend with her husband after eating barbecued pork. "I've just been told something I didn't know; that eating pork improves your sex life ... I'd say it's a lot nicer to eat a bit of grilled pork than take Viagra," President Cristina Fernandez said to leaders of the pig farming industry, who were surely not expecting to hear he talk about fucking her husband.
After she ate pork, "things went very well that weekend, so it could well be true." Argentines are the world's biggest per capita consumers of beef, but the government has sought to promote pork as an alternative in recent years due to rising steak prices and as a way to diversify the meat industry. "Trying it doesn't cost anything, so let's give it a go," Fernandez said in the televised speech. I'm all for the government trying to help develop businesses, but not at the expense of having leaders talk about their sex lives publicly. You're a nation's leader, not an American Apparel ad - have some class.
And: A college student returning to school after the winter break fell victim to a "prank" at Philadelphia's airport by a Transportation Security Administration worker who pretended to plant a plastic bag of white powder in her carry on luggage.
The worker is no longer employed by the TSA after the incident this month, a spokeswoman said.
Rebecca Solomon (22), a University of Michigan student, wrote in a column for her campus newspaper that she was having her bags screened on Jan. 5 before her flight to Detroit when the employee stopped her, reached into her laptop computer bag and pulled out the plastic bag, demanding to know where she had gotten the powder. She recounted how she struggled to come up with an explanation, wondering if it was bomb-detonating material slipped in by a terrorist or drugs put there by a smuggler.
"He let me stutter through an explanation for the longest minute of my life...tears streamed down my face as I pleaded with him to understand that I'd never seen this baggie before." A short time later, she said, the worker smiled and said it was his. The worker "waved the baggie at me and told me he was kidding, that I should've seen the look on my face," she said.
A TSA spokeswoman said late the employee was no longer with the agency but did not specify whether he had been fired or quit, referring only to "disciplinary action" taken by the TSA. She also declined to identify the worker or his job title, citing privacy laws, and did not know whether his actions would be subject to criminal charges.
No wonder half the world hates us. Sometimes, we're just asking for it.
Worst picture of the week year:
Versace at it's most unfashionable Worst bonus links:
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• Nancy Kerrigan's Brother Arrested In Connection With Father's Death - This time, Tonya Harding is in the clear.
• Ultrasound Not Foolproof - Yes, it failed to detect a 0.0003% occuring birth defect which lead to a baby without occular tissue. Nobody knows why it happened...but I'm going to put some money on the fact the mother is 15. (Yes, you also win if you guessed she's from Florida)
• NH Teacher, 100, Gets Degree A Day Before Dying - That proves having goals and something to live for really matter.
• QB Kurt Warner Retires, Ending 12-year NFL Career - No maore Jesus warrior, no more gremlin wife either.
• Usher Testifies He Saw Kansas Abortion Doc's Slaying - Dude, stop with the crappy R&B and do something about it. Oh, wait, not that Usher.
• Miramax Offices Close, Disney Says Brand Continues - Let's see how your "brand" fairs when there's no company behind it. The end of an era for indie film.
• Michelle Duggar: Recent Birth 'Was One Of The Scariest Moments Of My Life' - When you're on number 19, you should jut shut the fuck up. Scary is that you're a breeding machine.
• Stephanopoulos Learns Of Genetic Link To A Clinton - Oh my God! Can it be possible...that nobody cares about a pint-sized right talking head and and who he's possibly related to.
• Nick Cannon: Having Babies With Mariah Only Priority in Life - What a clever way to stay connected to her fortune and fame.
• Susan Boyle Gives Thumbs Up After Intruder Scare - Clearly, she frightened them away. That's one of the few times if you were to get arrested for sexual assault you'd actual be the victim.
• Breast-Milk For Haiti: Why Donations Are Being Discouraged - Because that's gross, for starters.
• Jessica Simpson Has A New Snuggle Companion - More non-news from a no-talent who spends more time oversharing than disappearing. Let's see if she can keep this one from ending up as coyote food.
• Diddy Bought His Son A $360,000 Car For His 16th Birthday - Just because he's not in the spotlight much anymore doesn't mean he's not an insufferable, pompus idiot. Looking forward to the inevitable teenage fender bender.
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