lists at the end of the year, counting down and ranking everything you can imagine, and they’re all subjective and poorly thought out and painful to read. But nothing else is going on this time of year, and so here we go..."100. JASMINE FIORE WAS MURDERED - by her husband, who was a contestant on the VH1 show ‘Megan Wants a Millionaire’. He pulled out her teeth, cut off her fingers and threw her body in a dumpster. So at least he wasn’t a litterbug. (August 15th)
99. MICHAEL JACKSON DIED - This one should probably be higher on the list but fuck that dude. He was a pedophile and his music sucked. Good riddance weirdo. (June 25th)
98. SUSAN BOYLE IS AN OVERNIGHT STAR - Does it bother anyone that she can’t really sing? After the first 5 lines on her famous ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ appearance her voice completely went to hell. What do you, got asthma or somethin? (April 11th)
97. LINDSAY LOHAN SUCKS - The reviews for the debut of her fashion line could have been worse, but only if they included a bunch of racist name calling for some reason. (October 4th)
96. BRITNEY SPEARS IS STACKED - Britney wore a see-thru t-shirt while in Australia for her ‘Circus’ tour. It maybe wasn’t as newsworthy as Michael Jackson dying, but what can I say, I just really love looking at girls’ tits. (November 5th)
95. RYAN SEACREST - tries to give this guy a high five on ‘American Idol’, but the dude acts like he doesn’t even see him. That guy is a real jerk! (January 14th)
94. PETE WENTZ - got drunk with some strippers in Vegas while his wife Ashlee Simpson was home alone, posting pictures of their baby on Twitter. Advantage: Pete Wentz. (April 8th)
93. DAKOTA FANNING - is a cheerleader at Campbell Hall Episcopal High School in North Hollywood, and this year she was named Homecoming Queen. If this story was any more wholesome it would be filled with vitamins. (November 2nd)
92. JESSICA SIMPSON - had her little Maltese dog snatched away by coyotes, and she put up “missing” and “reward” signs but to no avail. Probably because coyotes can’t read signs. (September 15th)
91. TARA REID - finally posed topless for Playboy, in the most eagerly anticipated pictorial of 2002. (December 12)
89. RANDY QUAID WAS ARRESTED - because he ran up a $10,000 tab at a hotel and then just left. In his defense, he’s a fucking lunatic. He probably tried to pay by handing the clerk a duck. “Here you go my good man.” (September 24th)
88. OPIE AND ANTHONY - The only thing better than Perez Hilton getting punched in the face was listening to them and the great Patrice O’Neal make fun of him for it, mostly to the soundtrack of Pulp Fiction. (June 28th)
87. LINDSAY LOHAN DID COKE - in a bathroom at some party. And here it sort of is on video. Or she was bending over to blow some guy. It’s 50/50 really. (November 16th)
85. LADY GAGA WORE A BUNCH OF DUMB OUTFITS - but the Kermit the Frog coat and the strap-on over her face were probably the dumbest. Really this entire list could have been her ugly ass and dumb outfits, but then it would have been called, the Top 100 Ways To Make My Penis Cry. (July 8th and July 21st)
84. MEGAN FOX - If there was a state that would let me marry pictures I would move there and marry this one. (February 26th)
83. LINDSAY LOHAN GOT ANOTHER YEAR OF PROBATION - despite that if you looked at her list of felonies it would hit the ground and roll across the floor like the list of names Santa checks on Christmas Eve. (October 16th)
82. JENNIFER LOVE BACON WAS ON THE COVER OF SHAPE - They must be including “round” as a shape. (September 17th)
81. MARISA MILLER - slipped out of her top a little while in St. Barts. Looking back it still ranks as one of the best days of my life. (January 20th)
80. REBECCA GAYHEART SEX TAPE - I’ve made better sex tapes when not even trying to make a sex tape. In fact one was about how to build a birdhouse. (August 8th)
79. WHITNEY HOUSTON SUCKS - Her big comeback performance on Good Morning America was cut short because she sucks now, as previously implied by the headline. (September 1st)
78 - KANYE INTERRUPTS PATRICK SWAYZE - This guy never learns! (September 15th)
77. CHARLIE SHEEN ON 9/11 - Today he announced that 911 is bullshit too, and all the calls made to them are government propaganda. (September 9th)
75. ASHLEY HARTMAN - I heard that every guy who has ever seen her in a bikini has tried to rape her. (August 7th)
74. MISCHA BARTON GOT 5150’d - but Mischa tricked them by touching her hand to her forehead, closing her eyes and transporting to another dimension. (July 16th)
72. BRITNEY WENT TOPLESS - “These pictures are so awful and unsexy you’re gonna feel like Cameron Diaz was in them, but she’s not. I looked several times. It just gives you that kind of feeling.” (June 7th)
71. ANNA PAQUIN WENT TOPLESS - She has a surprisingly nice rack. Mostly because I thought she was a boy this whole time. (June 15th)
70. KELLY BROOK WON THE BIKINI CONTEST - These pictures are pretty big, but not big enough that you could hump them, in case you were wondering. (March 30th)
69. CANDI SPELLING IS A MEAN OLD BITCH - She told a radio show Tori killed her dad by not speaking to him. What a dynamite lady. As if Tori hasn’t suffered enough. (May 29th)
68. CHASTITY BONO BECAME A MAN - What a transformation! She used to look like a fat man. Now she looks like a fat man in the men’s room. (June 11th)
67. LADY GAGA HAS A PENIS - Yeeaaah, we’re heating things up now, baby! (August 7th)
66. MADONNA IS OLD - “It’s an old lady mostly naked except for a bunch of random shit, like a boxing glove and a mink wrap. It’s the kind of thing you’d expect to see at a crooked nursing home.” (January 19th)
65. FERGIE HAS A PENIS - Thing’s really went to hell after that Kelly Brook post, didn’t they? (July 21st)
64. NO MORE HEIDI AND SPENCER - In June I began the “no heidi and spencer” policy, removed every story about them from the archives and banned them forever. Three weeks later E! did the same, and a bunch of other sites have followed. If I were any cooler, people would think I was secretly Batman. (June 8th)
63. MILEY IS ALL GROWN UP - these bikini pics prove Miley isn’t the same girl we fell in love with on the Disney Channel. That was Selena Gomez. (May 18th)
62. KEVIN FEDERLINE GOT REAL FAT - It’s too bad he has no sense of humor because it would be funny if he wore a cowbell. (September 1st)
61. OLGA KURYLENKO WAS NAKED - For reasons presumably explained in Russian, supermodel and actress Olga Kurylenko was naked as hell in the Russian Maxim. (January 22nd)
60. MILEY CYRUS - hates Selena Gomez and when her and Nick were together Miley sent him pictures of her cunt. (February 16th)
59. BRITNEY SPEARS - gives herself to Lucifer every day for the New World Order to arrive as quickly as possible. (November 12th)
58. CASSIE - is so hot it’s insane. Me and Diddy should duel for her love. I’d kill that fucking sissy. (May 7th)
57. SIMON COWELL - will make 144 million dollars this year from American Idol. It will all be worth it to get another singer like one of the last 5 winners who I can’t name. (June 30th)
56. THE PRESIDENT CALLED KANYE A JACKASS - The Nobel Peace Prize people must not have seen this. (September 15th)
55. ZHANG ZIYI - Why won’t the media just leave us alone? (January 5th)
54. PAULA ABDUL - stumbled through her big musical number on American Idol like she was slowly dying, like someone shot her in the stomach or she was choking on something. (May 7th)
53. MEGAN FOX AT THE TRANSFORMERS 2 PREMIERE - It’s like she was built by some angry God just to make all the girls who weren’t Megan Fox feel bad. (June 15th)
52. BRUCE WILLIS - married Victorias Secret model Emma Heming. So now the only way my penis is ever gonna get near her is if I pull it off and throw it on her. (March 25th)
51. MEL B - began her run on a Vegas topless show. With her huge boobs and insane ab’s, she’s like a woman you would see airbrushed on the side of a van, holding a panther on a chain and a huge sword above her head. (April 4th)
50. MADONNAS ARMS - As she approaches the end of her life, it’s good to know she’ll die as she lived; by creeping me the fuck out. (July 27th)
49. CALL OF DUTY 2 - made 310 million dollars in it’s first 24 hours. “The Dark Knight holds every Hollywood speed record, and it took them 10 days to reach 300. So I guess in hindsight that movie was a real piece of shit.” (November 12)
48. MEGAN FOX IS BISEXUAL - If Megan Fox is getting more/better pussy than me I’m gonna kill myself. (May 13th)
47 and 46. CINDY CRAWFORD AND NICOLETTE SHERIDAN - Although a combined 99 years old, these two took some of the hottest bikini pictures all year. But just so you know, the topless Crawford pictures here are from 2008, because I can’t find the ones from 2009, and I don’t have time to download new copies. This god damn list is taking forever. What a terrible idea this was. (August 6th and August 3rd)
45. MORGAN FREEMAN IS A PERVERT - The 72-year-old Freeman reportedly began a now 10-year-affair with his step-daughter when she was 17. I’m either disgusted or wildly impressed. It sort of goes back and forth. (July 9th)
44. SIZE 2 WENT TO HAWAII - I don’t like thick girls like this because I feel like my penis would look small between the 3 feet of undigested Milk Duds she calls an ass. (August 3rd and August 4th)
43. ROSE BOY - This fat little bastard has another thing comin’ if he thinks he’s makin’ a move on my woman. If you were lookin’ for trouble, you just found it buddy. (June 17th)
42. JOAQUIN PHOENIX GREW A BEARD, WENT NUTS - This is here because I messed up the count and needed filler. (January 19th)
41. JENNIFER CONNELLY WORE A BIKINI - The media says she’s too thin, especially considering how big her tits are, but keep in mind that most people in the media are queers. (July 24th)
40. RIHANNA WAS NAKED - Girls built like this (big ass and no tits) gross me out, so, um … moving right along. (may 28th)
39. RED HAIR - What a utopia this world would be if more hot girls like Jessica Alba and Ali Larter would dye their hair red. (October 1st and October 2nd)
38. ROMAN POLANSKI WAS ARRESTED - by Swiss police for drugging and having sex with a 13-year-old girl in California in 1977. He’s been free all this time, living a fantastic life in France because they don’t think it was a big deal and refused to extradite him. That’s why I’m writing this from a high school parking lot in France right now, shoving roofies into Jell-O shaped like a turtle. (September 28th)
37. LEIGHTON MEESTERS SEX TAPE - would have been more impressive if it had ever been released. I’ve never wanted to see a penis so bad in my life. (June 19th)
36. ‘JENNIFER’S BODY’ FAILS - This was an oddly big story, and if you need any more proof that Hollywood is run by retards, they cut out Megan Fox’s nude scene (pictures here), and a movie where she kisses another girl made no money. (September 23rd)
35. PATRICK SWAYZE DIED - This one should be higher but I put it between a bunch of hot naked girls so as not to bum everyone out. I think it’s how he would have wanted it. (September 14th)
34. JESSICA ALBA GOT BACK IN SHAPE - She could literally be on fire and I’d still have sex with her. And I mean oral and everything. (August 3rd)
33. TAYLOR SWIFT AND THE SWASTIKA GUY - It actually would have been better for Taylor if a chandelier had fallen on her head before this picture was taken. (October 29th)
32. MACKENZIE PHILLIPS HAD SEX WITH HER DAD - Wow and he was a big star too. She must have been really pretty. What a compliment, so flattering! (September 23rd)
31. DEMI MOORE - If you ask me, there’s nothing sexier than a beautiful mature woman. Except for a maybe a hot 18-year-old with long hair and big tits. (July 9th)
30. JOE FRANCIS BEAT UP JAYDE NICOLE - Luckily for him he did it in LA, which has no competent law enforcement. If it were up to me he’d be sent to live on Monster Island. (August 28th)
29. DJ AM DIED - Wait, this dork is 6 spots higher than the star of ‘Red Dawn’ and ‘Roadhouse’? WTF? I’m pretty sure I was high on percocet when I made this list. (September 28)
28. KIM KARDASHIAN WON HALLOWEEN - This picture is so wonderful, it’s not even like looking at a picture. The rush of euphoria you get is more like someone injected you with opium then gave you a blowjob. (October 31st)
27. BRUNO AND EMINEM AT MTV - I’d rather have my face this close to a big mean bear that I just punched in the balls. (June 1)
26. BRITNEY WENT ON TOUR - Hollywood has lowered my expectations to the point where seeing someone simply go to work ranks as an amazing achievement. (March 4)
25. BRITNEY GOT A NEW BOYFRIEND - I’m impressed that this guy was able to help straighten Britney out, although not enough to prevent me from cropping him out of this picture. He was sort of ruining it. ( June 10)
24. MADONNA ADOPTED A LITTLE GIRL - Living with Madonna is better than living in Africa, but she’s gonna have a heart attack the first time someone uses a can opener, so it’s a mixed blessing. (June 9)
23. DAVID CARRADINE DIED - He’s so high on the list because he died jacking off with a chord tied to a door then wrapped around his balls. His penis was like Indiana Jones. (June 4th)
22. MEGAN FOXES TONGUE - Her sexuality is so aggressive, it’s practically calling me a fag. (June 26, May 13, May 27, January 27)
21. ASHLEY GREENE WAS TOPLESS - Ashley Greene was virtually unknown, then topless pictures leaked out, and now she’s a big star. So if any of you other hot girls wanted to send me naked pictures to post and make you famous, by all means go for it. (August 10)
20. KANYE WEST INTERRUPTED TAYLOR SWIFT - You sly boots, you. (September 14th)
19. BRITTANY MURPHY DIED - Who knew that a mountain of powerful prescription stimulants and pain killers could form a lethal cocktail? Everyone on earth except Brittany Murphy and Heath Ledger, that’s who. (December 20th)
18 VICTORIA SILVSTEDT IS A PROSTITUTE - Pictures like this now make a lot more sense. (May 2nd)
17. FARAH FAWCETT DIED - At least I hope she did. Because they buried her. (June 25th)
16. JESSICA BIEL WAS TOPLESS - Jessica looks fantastic here, but this clip of her as a stripper in the movie Powder Blue loses points due to the fact that it makes me want to kill myself. (April 20th)
15. VANESSA HUDGENS WAS NAKED. AGAIN. - I think I’ll tease Vanessa and get her all hot and bothered by leaking some naked pictures of me. Two can play this little game. (August 25th)
14. KATY PERRYS TITS - She’s annoying, and her music sucks, but a hot girl with DD’s could put her cigarettes out on me for all I care. (pretty much all year long)13. MEL GIBSON DUMPED HIS WIFE - for some exotic, younger, hotter girl. He’s the first of his kind in Hollywood. (April 13th)
12. TIGER WOODS REALLY LOVES CHEATING - His penis is like a serial killer. (November 30th)
11. DAVID LETTERMAN WAS BLACKMAILED - Statistically, if you’re a girl, there’s a 43 percent chance you’ve had sex with one of the last 3 people. (November 2nd)
10. KELLY BROOK IS PHOTOGENIC - this picture was the topic of some heated debate around the office while making the Top 100 list, with many feeling it should be the number 1 story of the year. Of course I’m the only one who works here, so it was mostly my penis taking a stand. Eventually we agreed on the Top 10. That’s the price of leadership. (
May 20th)9. PAULA ABDUL GOT FIRED FROM AMERICAN IDOL - because she was demanding a raise from 5 million to 20 million dollars a year. When they finished laughing several days later, the producers hired Ellen DeGeneres. Of course they could have trained a monkey to whack off in the corner and it still would have been more insightful than anything Paula had to say. Seacrest could say, “Thanks Simon, that’s a good point. What about you Masturbating Monkey, what did you think?” And they could cut to the monkey in the corner jacking off. They just have to be sure to not accidentally pan to Randy Jackson. I have to believe the NCAAP would have something to say about that. (August 5th)
8. NATASHA RICHARDSON DIED - By all accounts she was a decent, talented and gracious woman. Her death is still confusing, as the official story is she hit her head on snow while skiing. Snow: NATURES LOADED GUN! (March 18th)
7. CHRISTIAN BALE WENT NUTS - I think he might be upset. (February 2nd)
6. SNOOKIE GOT KNOCKED OUT - The most entertaining film of the year. The New York Times called it, “A delightful romp, sure to please and make crowds stand up and cheer!” (December 9th)
5. KATE GOSSELIN IS A MEAN BITCH - Everything you need to know about this evil bitch can be seen in this video. She might as well have snakes for hair she’s so evil. (June 12th)
4. ERIN ANDREWS HAD A SECRET ADMIRER - See, doesn’t it sound nicer like that? The media is so negative all the time. And instead of “rapist”, what if we said, “her mysterious lover”. How romantic! (July 20th)
3. RIHANNA GOT BEAT UP - A lot sure has changed since that terrible night 10 months ago. I no longer ask, “Who the hell is Chris Brown”, for example. (February 9th)
2. JESSICA SIMPSON GOT FAT - All my thoughts are summed up by the expression on that guy behind her. As shocked as we all were, look at that guy. It’s like he’s lost the will to live. (January 26th)1. MEGAN FOX KISSED A GIRL - If I have to explain why this was a big deal, and why it’s clearly the biggest story of the year, you’re probably too busy trying on your pretty dresses to read it. (September 23rd)
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