The Most Interesting Part Of The Twilight Saga

 

With a douchey name like Bronson Pelletier, he would not only have to be an actor, but have played a werewolf in one (or more - I don't know or care) of the Twilight movies. And to know that he got kicked off a plane for being too drunk, only to end up pissing all over the floor at LAX, well, seems to befit someone by the name of Bronson Pelletier.

Bane Of The Intelligent

It's been forever since the talking heads from the red state mindset have been relevant, let alone newsworthy, but from the shitheap that Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity fester in, the grandaddy of right-wing mouthpieces, Rush Limbaugh, has decided to make sure there's nothing intelligent or relevant he has to say.  Here's from the moron himself:

"Have you heard this new movie, the Batman movie, what is it, The Dark Knight Lights Up or whatever the name is. That’s right, Dark Knight Rises. Lights Up, same thing. Do you know the name of the villain in this movie? Bane. The villain in The Dark Knight Rises is named Bane, B-a-n-e. What is the name of the venture capital firm that Romney ran and around which there’s now this make-believe controversy? Bain. The movie has been in the works for a long time. The release date’s been known, summer 2012 for a long time. Do you think that it is accidental that the name of the really vicious fire breathing four eyed whatever it is villain in this movie is named Bane? 

So, anyway, this evil villain in the new Batman movie is named Bane. And there’s now a discussion out there as to whether or not this is purposeful and whether or not it will influence voters. It’s gonna have a lot of people. This movie, the audience is gonna be huge. A lot of people are gonna see the movie, and it’s a lot of brain-dead people, entertainment, the pop culture crowd, and they’re gonna hear Bane in the movie and they’re gonna associate Bain. The thought is that when they start paying attention to the campaign later in the year, and Obama and the Democrats keep talking about Bain, Romney and Bain, that these people will think back to the Batman movie, 'Oh, yeah, I know who that is.'  There are some people who think it’ll work. Others think you’re really underestimating the American people to think that will work."

Yep, you're right...and holy fuck, if you are somebody who hears that and agrees, you should have your right to vote revoked due to your massive, permanent brain damage.

Lazy Drinkers

Six teenagers have shown up in two San Fernando Valley emergency rooms in the last few months with alcohol poisoning after drinking hand sanitizer.  Fuck, kids are stupid.

Public health officials are worried this is the start of a dangerous trend, though I see it as a great way for Darwinism to take effect. Some of the teenagers used salt to separate the alcohol from the sanitizer to convert it into a potent drink similar to a shot of hard liquor. But I wonder how they can figure out how to distill their hand-wipe moonshine but not actually get their hands on actual liquor.

Liquid hand sanitizer is typically 62% ethyl alcohol and is the equivalent of 120-proof liquid, and follows other over-the-counter items like mouthwash, cough syrup and vanilla extract that kids have tried to get wasted on.  Most people are too young to remember to foolish attempts to get high smoking banana peels or when modeling glue was good for a huffing, but I'm disappointed in the youth of today who have to come up with stupid ways to get loaded when there's medicine cabinets and wet bars a plenty at home.  I still look back fondly on Herr Docktor's parents who chained the liquor cabinet closed...and how he would undo and redo the links to get in...

I Know You, Little Libertine

Authorities in Eastern San Diego say a 38-year-old woman has been killed by a homemade cannonball fired by her husband and another man.  Yep, I couldn't pass this up!

She was found dead at about 12:15 a.m. after the ball slammed into her home.  And by home, I mean the Twin Lakes Resort mobile home park in Potrero.  And what better place for that tiny community to be than near the Mexican border. Apparently, the men were working on the cannon nearby when it went off. Her four-year-old daughter was unharmed, and one man was treated for injuries.

Oh, and you'll never guess that alcohol was involved...

Blowing It With The Lowest Lying Fruit

You may get spoils from your father's garden, but that does not make you worthy to tend his fields.

Clairissa Irene Riccio, aka Claire Sinclair, the 2011 Playmate of the Year, sought a temporary restraining order against boyfirend Marston Hefner (21, son of Playboy founder Hugh, and not the monster Grendel as his picture would suggest). He was arrested on suspicion of domestic violence Sunday by Pasadena police.  Sinclair's minor injuries were consistent with an assault, but she does not appear to be determined to send her meal ticket boyfriend to jail.

"I will not press charges against Marston Hefner if he keeps his word to give a public apology for physically abusing me on several occasions, and seeks psychiatric help for his anger issues. I don't condone domestic violence, but if one ounce of good can come from this bad experience, then I can live with it and move on."

Not surprisingly, Sinclair does not know that it's not up to her - the state of California can prosecute Marston with or without her consent or assistance.  Besides being frightfully ugly, Marston is also a dumb son-of-a-bitch.  You've got the keys to the girl next door empire and you've gone and fucked it up because you can't deal with how dumb nude models are and you get angry?  Unworthy.

Spanish Christmas In January

A flaming-horned bull trampled and fatally gored a man during a festival in eastern Spain over the weekend.  You mean, I don't have to wait for the annual culling of the stupid in Pamplona?

The mayor of Navajas said emergency services were unable to save the life of the 45-year-old man who tripped just as the bull was released. My hero The bull, who had large balls of flaming wax affixed it's head, charged the victim, gored him and then stamped on his head, causing "irreversible injuries".  I'll say! 

Unlike other fun runs involving bulls, for the The Feast of Saint Anton, the animals aren't killed in the end. Taking out a stupid human and not being slaughtered in the end?  That's a win-win.

Calgon Arm Candy

It was pretty bad that people are using bath salts as a drug, but karma pays back those who are stupid enough to try it...

The first known case of necrotizing fasciitis aka flesh-eating disease, caused by an injection of bath salts has been reported.  Dr. Russell R. Russo (are you kidding me with that name?) and his colleaguesat the Louisiana State University Health Sciences Center New Orleans School of Medicine (are you kidding me with that name?), treated a 34-year-old women who developed forearm pain and redness after she attended a party. Normally, it would be bruised thighs and a swollen groin, but the only sign a small red puncture wound on her arm.

Eventually, the idiot woman admitted that she injected bath salts two days before her symptoms began, and upon reexamination they determined that she had necrotizing fasciitis. The disease progressed so rapidly that the doctors had to amputate the woman's arm, shoulder and collarbone and perform a radical mastectomy. The women later underwent skin grafting and rehabilitation, but no word if she's getting talking any night classes at the local city college or doing on-line school in order to try and raise her IQ.

There's so many other great drugs available out there which can totally kick your ass and not cause your arm to immediately rot, and I expect more from a 34 year-old.  I can't even be a grumpy old man and say "kids these days"...

iDiot

Getting fake iPads are the new "white vans selling stereos" in a parking lot.

Ashley McDowell has already packed a lot of stupid into her scant 22 years, having fallen for this amazingly obvious scam. She was approached by two men in a South Carolina McDonald's parking lot, where they offered to sell her an iPad for $300. Apparently, these legitimate salesmen who "drove a white Impala with no rims and no tint", and one of which she'd noted "had a gold tooth", were selling iPads they bought them in bulk and were selling them at a discount. Poor Ashley only had $180, but those nice gentlemen gave it to her anyway.

Imagine her surprise when she got home, opened up the Fed Ex box she was given, and found out it was really just a block of wood with an Apple logo painted on the back.

It is a bit of a surprise they bothered to painted a screen and some fake icons on their wood block to make it look like the real deal, considering their scam only held together if suckers like Ashley didn't check the box before forking over their dough.

Attack Of The Bagelheads

So, the newest stupid thing on Planet Japan is making yourself look like you have a disfigured, tumor sodden face. Sorry if you thought the header was a Zionist reference or something...

In Tokyo, "freaks for the night" drip saline into their foreheads for two hours while they depress the center. Their bodies absorb it over time so by the next morning it goes back to normal. Extreme body modification photographer Ryoichi “Keroppy” Maeda said that "everyone I know who has done it, no matter how many times, their skin has gone back to exactly how it was before."

Wow, I guess it's finally come to this for the "trying too hard" crowd...

Leaving Las Vegas...In A Bodybag

Vanity, I swear you're death's cousin.

A genius woman died over the weekend after a botched buttocks enhancement surgery. This wouldn't normally make news, except that it took place in the back room of a Las Vegas tile business. The Colombian nationals who "performed" the work were later arrested trying to board a plane back to that country. At least these malpracticioners bothered to get a hotel room.

Elena Caro's cause of death was not immediately determined, as the investigation and toxicology tests are ongoing, but is "foreign object to the butt" possibility? The facial botox injections Ruben Dario Matallana-Galvas (55) and Carmen Olfidia Torres-Sanchez (47) had given Caro (who also used the name Maria Orrozco) the week prior miraculously had no problems, so after she walked out of the procedure, why would they have had any concerns?

Elizabeth Flores, an aide to Mattalana-Galvas, got the call that something had gone wrong, so she had her husband drive Mattalana-Galvas and Torres-Sanchez to the airport, the police report said. Congrats on your aiding and abetting!

Caro's underage daughter, Janet Villalovos, shared she told Matallana-Galvas to take care of her mother when she dropped her off for the procedure. "He told me everything's going to be fine, don't worry," Villalovos said. This is shocking, right? And wouldn't you know it that the Nevada State Board of Medical Examiners had no files or credentials on either of the "doctors".

Caro. Mattalana-Galvas.Torres-Sanchez. Villalovos. Orrozco. I can't keep all of it straight...it's like watching a soccer match.

Tub Of Illegality

"When Neil Brown got high on dangerous chemicals, he took his skinning knife and slit his face and stomach repeatedly. Brown survived, but authorities say others haven't been so lucky after snorting, injecting or smoking powders with such innocuous-sounding names as Ivory Wave, Red Dove and Vanilla Sky." Yes, the new drug menace is aromatic bath salts. Are you fucking kidding?

Some say the effects of the powders are as powerful as abusing methamphetamines, and authorities talk of banning their sale!  How will secretaries relax after a hard day of work? Emergency calls are being reported for over-exposure to stimulants the powders often contain: mephedrone and methylenedioxypyrovalerone, aka MDPV.  They can cause hallucinations, paranoia, rapid heart rates and suicidal thoughts, which, coincidentally I look forward to in a dunk in a nice warm tub.

Mississippi lawmakers this week began considering a proposal to ban the sale of the powders, and a similar step is being sought in Kentucky. In Louisiana, bath salts were already outlawed by an emergency order after the state's poison center received more than 125 calls in the last quarter of 2010 involving exposure to the chemicals.  There are all kinds of horror stories about bath salts, like this tale of a doctor's son: Dr. Richard Sanders said his son, Dickie, snorted some of the chemicals and endured three days of intermittent delirium. Dickie Sanders missed major arteries when he cut his throat. As he continued to have visions, his father tried to calm him, but the elder Sanders said that as he slept, his son went into another room and shot himself. Sanders warns the substances are far more dangerous than some of their brand names imply.  Yeah...if you snort, smoke or inject them rather than let them dissolve in water that you soak in.

Its always the dumb motherfuckers who use things wrong that ruin it for everybody else.  Let's make cars illegal because some people get killed when others drive recklessly.  That's not what they're supposed to be used for, but we need to take things away from people for their own safety.  Correction - things need to be taken away from you and I because other morons can't used them properly.  I hope every idiot who gets high on bath salts kills themselves.

Dorklord

Sci-fi / Fantasy author Terry Pratchett, who was knighted last year, decided he needed a sword. Can you conceive of his nerditude when tell you it was not just any sword, but a meteorite sword. Not geek enough? He smelted ore from his own property and added meteorite bits. Full blown dweeboid - I can't understand why other blogs are raving about this. It's LARPing, and that's never cool.

Assisted by Jake Keen (really, Mr. Keen? How fancy!), an expert on ancient metal-making techniques (this is unverified), Pratchett dug up 175 of iron ore that was just laying around near fief, adding in grounds of his house. Using a makeshift kiln built from clay and hay and fuelled with damp sheep manure (really? does that any anything to the process...other than the pleasure of handling sheep shit?).

For the finishing touch, he added several pieces of meteorites, "thunderbolt iron, you see — highly magical, you’ve got to chuck that stuff in whether you believe in it or not,” he said. Actually, you don't - especially if you don't believe in it. After days of hammering the metal into bars, he took it to a blacksmith, whom he helped to shape it into a blade, which was finished with silverwork. I'm surprised a warlock didn't read Elven runes while a lute played.

The sword's only weakness? Vaginas, which are also crippling to readers of his books.

Señor Blood

Mauricio Mendez Lopez was discovered by his niece holding a knife and drinking a glass of his roommate's blood after killing him in their Florida home. I guess this whole vampire fad really has gone too far.

Mirella Mendez says that when she came upon Lopez, he was standing near where Macario Luna Cruz lay dead on the floor. Lopez was said to have laughed, raised the glass in the air, and told her, "This is my secret." It may end up less a case of vampirism, than something that was inspired by Mexican folklore: Mendez told police that if you drink the blood of the person you kill, you won't be arrested for the crime. And I thought believing in the chupacabra was stupid! It clearly didn't work out that way for Lopez, who was arrested later that evening.

Sure, Mexican culture is the equivalent of being the retarded kid at school, but if that doesn't fire you up, wait'll you hear about the situation that led to the crime...

Lopez and Cruz lived together, and Cruz was married to one Lopez's nieces. Cruz then started to have an affair with Mendez, who is also Lopez's niece and the sister of Cruz's wife. Huh? The cherry on top was that this happened in Florida - it's like a shitty jackpot! Why are two men living together when one of them is married, and the wife doesn't live there? Stop asking questions - of course it defies logic! When Lopez discovered the relationship in late July, he threatened to kill them if it didn't stop. And...it didn't. Over the weekend, Lopez stabbed Cruz's brother and then went to the apartment they shared and killed Cruz. Sadly, everybody else lived.