This Is 40?

Hello, my sweet...yes it has been a while since we've seen each other.

Sadly, I feel it may be a while until we see each other again, and I suspect it will happen when I least expect or plan it.  The fact is there's too much to do, too many things to draw my focus, and not enough time to spend frivolously on observational humor, web links, and found photos.

Don't get me wrong, I've enjoyed every minute of it, and it has been as much an identity and ideology as any truly dedicated endeavor, but there are times that you recognize where a cycle starts and ends, and for now, this is a good point to make that mark.

It was difficult to allow this to fade away and phase out, the process becoming outwardly evident over the last year and a half with the inconsistent postings, but for me, it was harder because this fit perfectly into the spot reserved for self indulgence and exacerbated by a(n) (un)healthy obsessive / compulsive streak.  Once, it was imperative to make those multiple posts - up to 10 a day, in order to satisfy that urge, and even when that was broken and a more reasonable three were made, it was something that took some adjustment to be capable of.

So today I'm marking my 40th birthday, and like so many symbolic gestures, it occurred to me that it was timely, or at least time, to acknowledge the true pleasure and love I've had curating IOvUF, and for any and every single person who took the time to read a post.  And before we bookend this with a look back to the origin, I'll liberate, er, appropriate this perfectly poignant and spot-on speech by the late-and-always-great Dave "Oderus Urungus" Brockie for some context:

Nothing has changed...nothing has changed here.  We're still the wonderful, down-to-Earth, kinda motherfucking homosexual, butt-raping, dogfucking, kinda motherfuckers you love.  And let me tell you one thing...if any of you guys, or any of you girls, wanna come backstage after the show - get sucked, fucked, smoke some crack - it's okay by me.

Now, without any further ado, take it away guys...

Tuesday, April 17, 2007: Revisiting The Big Bang

Really, it was more like the Big Whimper, but nonetheless my sense of wasting time triumphed over productivity and I shat out Living To Die. The concept was based on a combination of things The Good Doctor and I humored ourselves with, starting with the poignant final words of Roy Batty -- “time to die”. And much like the realization that all our moments and memories will eventually be lost like tears in the rain, so was the reaction and cynical afterbirth of the LTD philosophy – necessary and immutably true.

The mantra was a follows:

First you are born. Then you have a pretty good time for about 25 years. Then it is time for you to fucking die. I didn't make the rules. But I will enforce them.

In a sickly, sensible way it worked. The futility of jobs. The failure of relationships. The sacrifice of watching your dreams die. Nobody said that it was going to be easy, but no one said that it was going to be this hard, and at least we had the forethought to remember to smile stupidly while we were taking the beating. Yes, it sounds morbidly pessimistic, but it’s not.

Meanwhile, back in the oft-forgotten MAGNAband forums, I was hacking and slashing away at the same stupid brutality that life provides as both sport and amusement daily. In the hope of stunning people into thinking with radically sensible ideas I ingratiated myself with Schadenfreude. Sadly, some twat on Blogger has already claimed that perch on the web, and she actually thinks that her own pathetic, dull misfortune is going to provide us glee. News flash, sweetie – there is zero interest in your blandness. I’ve been in traffic that was more interesting that the pointlessness of your existence, and the fact you lucked into camping on one of the most kick ass site names is tragic. Let us all hope nothing but the worst for she who volunteered to be the schadenfreude touchstone, as it is by default no less than what she deserves for making such an egregious claim. Yet we digress…

In spite of a set of misanthropic tendencies, egotistical embellishment, keen awareness of stupidity and a lack of regard for restraint or correctness as a result, I have made the next evolutionary step philosophically. For a long time I fixated on the concept of an immovable object and an unstoppable force, and their inherent opposition to each other, which fit perfectly with my quasi-dualistic reasoning (which like the Soul Coughing song of the same name postulates “Is Chicago, Is Not Chicago” – and that’s loose meta-logic). The dichotomy is still there – living to die, as is the contrast of two concepts, but IOvUF is the examination of the complete nature of opposition, of being both caught between either side as well as being objectively aware of it.

Granted, all of that is a touch excessive given the overt applications here – satire, mockery, criticism, enlightenment, adoration, and creativity – not some revelatory direction in which to restyle my (your) existence. But we’re all still living to die, so while this may be nothing more than another voice for the vocal, it has changed, and for that I take pause to note -- before -- it is time to die.

American Able (Or, Not Quite American "Amateurs")

What if American Apparel and their well known butt contests, pubic hair ads, and porn star models, just, well...weren't?

To help you envision it is disabled model is Jes Sachse and photographer / creator of the project is Holly Norris. The series, called American Able, was done by the Canadian women’s studies student "because of the company’s claim that its models are girls next door, when, in fact, the American Apparel model standard of beauty adheres to pretty traditional standards of beauty, at least by American standards." Yep, that sounds like a Canadian women's studies major to me.

So Norris replaced Sasha "Throat: A Cautionary Tale" Grey with Sachse, to put disabled women in places “where women with disabilities are typically excluded.” Read: such as American Apparel ads. “Too often, the pervasive influence of imagery in mass media goes unexamined, consumed en masse by the public,” Norris writes. “However, this imagery has real, oppressive effects on people who are continuously ‘othered’ by society.”

Wait, you think that the ridiculous, hypersexualized American Apparel ads are "unexamined" and simple consumed by the public? Do you not have interweb in Canada, because I can think of several blogs that routinely take aim at the ads: Copyranter, Jezebel (312 tabbed posts!), Gawker (477 tabbed posts!) and even on occasion, this site. A Google search will turn up thousands of different online versions of newspaper and blog articles on them - and we'll only talk about that because this is the web realm; there's plenty of other media that do their analysis. By the way, Sasha Grey's sweet ass is something I want to see in boyshorts because I find it attractive. Physically deformed asses in revealing clothes - not at all. And that's preference based on taste, not socieo-feministic handicapped discriminatory rhetoric, so let's not even waste time on that front.

And as for oppressing the "othered", how is it that you've singled them out in all of advertising and media? Is it more pervasive or influential than Vogue or Cosmopolitan or In Style or People? the answer is no. And why is it American Apparel's responsibility featured the disabled? Uh, it's not. According to this research, there's almost 1 in 5 that are classified as disabled, though they point out that:

While many people automatically think of physical limitations such as being in a wheelchair when they think of disabilities, more than 16 million of those with disabilities were classified as having difficulty
with mental functioning, emotional functioning and cognitive functioning. This group of disabled people included those who are severely anxious or depressed, and those who have issues concentrating, dealing with stress, and functioning in social situations.

Chairs, humps, limps or not, there's clearly too many disabled people out there to ever call them "othered" by a society they make up a fair portion of. And if there is disdain for the lack of representation, then where is the outcry from those groups and people? It really doesn't exist. Much like Sarah Palin's uninvited and unnecessary defense of the handicapped, is this just another able bodied person making a point that doesn't need to be made because it's completely wrong, and therefore doesn't matter?

Sure, supposing Harmony Korine started doing apparel ads, this would be mildly interesting, but I don't think it really qualifies as any statement, and certainly not even noteworthy on the women's studies / disabled front. You can sex up a disabled person in satire of pop culture, but anything beyond that is more exploitation than exultation.

How My Brain Works

I saw this story in the morning's headlines:


and this old comic immediately came to mind:

Travellers From The East Weekend

The best of the week: Nerds like me already saw the epic snub of the an adolescent boy trying desperately to show Megan Fox his affection at a premiere of The Revenge Of the Evil Changebots, but there is a happy ending (not the kind he gave himself every day thinking about her leading up to his encounter).

The London schoolboy left looking unhappy after being snubbed by star (?) Megan Fox is being flown out to receive an apology and finally meet his idol. According to one of those London rags, a $5,000 reward was offered to find out the boy's identity, and thusly Harvey Kindlon was discovered by a Facebook user. Must have been hard, searching the Megan Fox and Autobot fan groups. Harvey's cousin, confirmed the boy will be flying to New York tonight to meet Megan with his mother and a friend.

Kodak, ripe with money after killing their Kodachrome film line, are flying the dissed romeo over to the States so he can give Fox the rose in person. Or get rejected again, which would be hardcore. At the advice of a team of publicists and managers Apologetic, Megan promised she will be more receptive to her fans. Go, you magnificent bastard. Live forever in this moment. Preteen English girls are going to be a disappointment after this.

Also, Famous Sister gets to be the first victim to stay as a guest at the new Fortress IOvUF. Crazy gal that she is, she managed to slam a concert in with the hurried bi-annual visitation she'll making on the left coast. How else were Scarlett and I going to see Carbon Leaf on tour?

The worst of the week: The career obsessed in the entertainment business!

Earlier this week we got a nice taste of the pot of shit calling the kettle anything but black. The backlash was well deserved, but it was not, and will never be enough to make such a self-involved mosquito change. Although it doesn't hurt to try. Even his initial coverage of the Michael Jackson death was, in typical douche fashion, tasteless (and not the amusing kind, like where I insinuate MJ pulled an Elvis and is secretly living in Iowa). Pardon the language, but Perez Hilton is a cunt.

Here's the worthless perspective blabbering of Billy Bush, who, until this, was slightly less than the half-a-fag that is fellow 'entertainment host' Ryan Seacrest:

What did God say when Michael arrived? DID he arrive? Was he consoled and embraced and ultimately released from all of his childhood pain or was he admonished for what many suspect but thankfully don't have confirmed?

There is an inescapable question mark as to the ethics and balance of Michael Jackson that goes with him to his grave. It is most assuredly not what Michael had in mind when he set out to be pop music's "P.T. Barnum", the man in the middle of the circus. Although, let's be real, anyone who reportedly invites a gossip tabloid to shoot him in a hyperbaric chamber courts the bizarre.

I was the last person to get Michael Jackson to go on camera. Technically, it was his last interview as I asked some questions and he answered them, but it's not one I'd choose to hang my hat on. Michael was alternately petrified and obsessed with my camera. He loved the small HD handheld 24P size camera and demanded to know where he could get one. But, before the cameras got rolling, while sitting in the small kitchen of his temporary Irish countryside cottage, Michael asked, "Is 5 minutes OK?"

Interviews hadn't gone well for him in their aftermath since pre-Oprah in 1993.

Our meeting took place in October 2006 about two hours outside of Dublin in a recording studio. Will.i.am of The Black Eyed Peas was there, mixing and collaborating with Michael. Michael was much relieved to have Will join us and in truth, Will mostly did the talking. When the music came on, MJ started tapping and moving. He got up and danced, he sang. I was 8 feet away. Wow. I'll always have that.

Of course my intent was to get him relaxed and talkative. It never really happened cuz that wall wasn't coming down. I saw the pain in Michael. I knew he could not take one more ounce of disappointment. Michael simply wanted to be universally adored. Loved by ALL. That leads to the ultimate conclusion of his death:

Michael will never be disappointed again. He is right now universally adored. His legacy of hits and impact on music and everyone that came after him is undeniable and EVERYONE in the music community will see to it that THAT wall does not come down. Michael will be immortalized like Elvis, Lennon and JFK. Michael never met an honor he did not want to accept. The love of yesterday and today means so much to him, so I'm sure he is finally.... happy. But back to God.

What did God say? "You are forgiven?", "I'm sorry?", "I made Quincy Jones, Berry Gordy and John Landis as well as Joe and Katherine, so therefore I made YOU!"? "You should have trusted Billy Bush and loosened up. He was NOT there to 'catch' you in any way?" (My personal regret related choice).

The enigma of that scenario is very much like its subjects, The Lord of Hosts and the King of Pop.

Fuck you Billy Bush, Fuck you with a sequined-gloved fist. Please give us your sermon on the life and times of MJ, since you spent a few minutes with him three years ago. The balls on some people to use whatever means available to make the focus themselves and not the story at hand. It's the same drum that Jessie "the original Entourage" Jackson has been banging for 40 years, and has spawned countless opportunists who look for fame and fortune by association. Heathers nails it - folks willing to say or do anything to get into the spotlight, playing up friendships and involvement - even the first minute of this clip says it all.

And while I'm at it, let's just be clear that one's "career" is no excuse - ever - to become single-minded, narcissistic, and possessed about advancing it, carnage be damned. I truly wish failure upon anyone who is so cold and callous to lose sight of general decency or decorum in their quest to succeed. I'd wish cancer on them, but that can be sent into remission or give them the release of death. Failure, is long, stinging, and bitter tasting. A great chilled side dish with revenge!

Runner Up: The Republican Party!

I almost made this a 'best of' runner-up, because it gives me such pleasure watching those motherfuckers act so smug and judgmental, yet continue to implode as a political entity as their own hypocritical actions devalue their rhetoric. Like Senator Ensign the week prior, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford couldn't keep his dick in his pants, but rather than just make a mockery of his matrimonial vows, he went off the grid for almost a week. As far as the GOP goes, that is presidential material.

Richardson Richardson

Definitively putting an end to any and all rumors which have persisted over the last 24 hours, a representative for Liam Neeson released this statement shortly after at 8pm:

"Liam Neeson, his sons, and the entire family are shocked and devastated by the tragic death of their beloved Natasha. They are profoundly grateful for the support, love and prayers of everyone, and ask for privacy during this very difficult time.”

In reading a hundred different editorials about Natasha today, it seems most will remember her as an uncommon professional, someone who was gracious and easy going, someone who everyone enjoyed working with and knowing. And Liam Neeson seems like a pretty cool guy, so that sucks too.

Unlike Chris Reeve taking a dive from his horsey, this is a real shame. I've had to justify this several times in the past, but the thing isn't just that a star was injured in an accident, but somebody died far younger than they should have and so suddenly. Yes, I know Superwheelchairman lived many years and did much good in the way of lobbying and promoting spinal research (which would coincidentally benefit him), but my main distinction is that he bailed playing with this showponies - a hazard of the rich and elite, and the Tash smacked her noggin skiing, something that hundreds of millions of people have done and will do this year. Choking to death on a sandwich is sad. Choking to death on caviar and lobster, not so much. Tenements that burst in to flames beats European chalet fires every time. That, and if this had happened to Katherine Heigl, nobody would miss a beat.

May you bathe in Heaven...

Sex Laws

I'm happy that there are such stringent laws for sex offenders and think more should be done - like a welcome to the neighborhood stoning, but unfortunately, like the alleged "war" on drugs there is collateral damage and people who are caught under a set of rules that take only a little thought to see they may not be best when absolute.

Girl, 15, Branded Sex Offender for Nude Photos
In late 2008, a 15 year old girl in Licking County Ohio was arrested and charged in juvenile court for “possessing criminal tools and illegal use of a minor in nudity-oriented material”. The girls “criminal tool” was a cell phone and MMS (multimedia messaging service). Her “illegal use of a minor in nudity-oriented material” were nude photos of herself. The girl was charged with the crimes after sending a nude photo of herself to some of her high school classmates. Essentially, she was charged with being a child pornographer of herself. In Ohio, state law requires child pornographers to be given Tier 2 sexual offender status, which requires a 20 year public registration. (Source)

Man Grabs Girl’s Arm – Now He’s a Sex Offender
Fitzroy Barnaby, a 28 year old man from Evanston Illinois was prosecuted for attempted kidnapping and child abduction following an incident where he nearly hit a female teen pedestrian with his vehicle. At the trial, the teen girl testified that Barnaby had jumped out of his car after the near miss and yelled, “Come here, little girl” then grabbing her arm. She broke away and called the police.

Barnaby says he simply wanted to talk to the girl about the importance of being careful when crossing the street. The jury accepted Barnaby’s version, but nonetheless found him guilty of unlawful restraint of a minor, a sexual offense under Illinois Law. Barnaby is now on the states sexual offender registry and must keep authorities informed of his place of residency. He can not live near school or parks, and will likely be ostracized by those who discover his status as a sex offender.

The Judge that handed down his sentence acknowledged his own difficulty with the case by saying: “It’s more likely than not he only intended to chastise the girl” ” I don’t really see the purpose of registration in this case, I really don’t” ” But I feel that I am constrained by the statute” (Source)

Man Ordered to Move Because of Public Urination 20 Years Ago
Twenty-one years ago, Jaun Matamoros was drunk while out with friends in Massachusetts. Unable to find a bathroom, he urinated on the street beside a car. Unfortunately for Juan, three people witnessed him relieving himself and he was quickly arrested for public urination. Juan was subsequently charged with “lewd and lascivious behavior”.

Up until recently, his youthful drunken mistake hadn’t cost him much more than embarrassment, but that all changed when authorities in his new home city of Deltona, Florida got wind of his conviction. According to local laws and ordinances, Juan’s conviction classifies him as a sex offender. Under these stricter guidelines, Juan is prohibited from living within 2,500 feet of a school, bus stop, day-care center, park or playground. So now, Juan and his family, who live near several parks, must pick up and move or face prosecution for violating sex offender laws, all because of a public urination offense 20 years ago. (Source)

4 Year Old Accused of “Sexual Harassment”
In Dec 2006, WACO, Texas school administrators gave a 4 year old pre-school student an in-school suspension for “inappropriately touching” a teachers aid, after the child hugged the woman. The letter from administrators to the parents of the child said the boy was: “involved in inappropriate physical behavior interpreted as sexual contact and/or sexual harassment.”

DaMarcus Blackwell, the boys father, is baffled by the schools stance, and wonders how a child so young could sexually harass anyone. He has filed a complaint with the district. (Source)

Man Barred from Photographing His Children in Public
Gary Crutchley thought taking his kids to a local park would be a great opportunity to get some memorable pictures of his kids playing, but innocent snap shots of his two kids led to him being accused of perversion. After taking the the picture to the left of his kids on a blow up slide, the woman running the slide demanded he stop taking pictures. When asked why, the woman said he could not take pictures of other peoples children.

Mr Crutchley calmly explained he was only interested in pictures of his own children, even going as far as to show the pictures he had taken to the woman to prove the point. Unsatisfied, the woman running the slide claimed he could be taking pictures of any child, and even went so far as to accuse Mr. Crutchly of being a pervert, and intending to publish images of other children on the internet. (Source)

Girl, 13 Charged as Sex Offender and Victim
In 2003 a 13 year old Salt Lake City girl and her 12 year old boyfriend were found guilty of delinquency - the legal term in juvenile court for a conviction, after the girl became pregnant. State authorities alleged that both the boy and the girl had committed sexual abuse of a child by having sex with each other, a second-degree felony if committed by an adult.

For juveniles who are 16 and 17, having sex with others in their own age group does not qualify as a crime. Juveniles who are 14 or 15 that engage in sex with peers can be charged with unlawful conduct with a minor, but the law provides for mitigation when the age difference is less than four years, making the offense a misdemeanor. Unfortunately, for adolescents under 14, there are no exceptions or mitigation, because adolescents under 14 are not considered capable of consenting to sex under the law.

Thus, under Utah state law, the girl and her boyfriend were both found guilty of violating state law, and were both also the victims in each others “crime”. According to Associate Chief Justice Michael Wilkins, “The only thing that comes close to this is dueling” where two people who take 20 paces and then shoot could each be considered both victim and offender. (Source)

Drowning Child Goes Unaided - Tragic Turn for Sexual Predator Paranoia
On Nov. 28, 2002, 2 year old Abigail Rae drowned in a village pond in England after wandering away from her nursery school. This case would be tragic enough, but after the girls death, it was revealed that just minutes before the girl drowned, a local man had seen the toddler wandering off on her own without an adult in sight. Bricklayer, Clive Peachey, drove past her in his truck, but did not stop. After the incident, Mr. Peachey stated: ” I kept thinking I should go back. The reason I didn’t was because I thought people might think I was trying to abduct her.”

So, instead of stopping, he assured himself the parents must be close by and would find her soon. Meanwhile, the nursery staff searched. When the mother noticed the staff near her home, she was told they were looking for a “lost dog” but the truth soon emerged. The frantic mother’s search ended when she leaped into the pond to fish out what she thought was Abby’s shoe, instead pulling out the girls lifeless body. (Source)

Man Refused Shelter - Freezes to Death
In January 2009 Grand Rapids, MI officials found Thomas Pauli frozen to death on the streets. In recent weeks, Mr. Pauli had tried several times to gain admittance to at least one of the two Heartside missions for the homeless. His attempts to find shelter were denied because of his status as a registered sex offender. Officials say it is possible that Thomas Pauli would be alive today, except for the state law that prohibits sex offenders like him from establishing a residence, even for one night, within 1,000 feet of a school. In this case, both shelters fall within this zone because of their proximity to a high school. Although officials and volunteers at the shelters decried the current system, they acknowledged that they “have to follow the law, but ethically, it feels like we were responsible - These men and women are clearly ‘The Scarlet Letter’ folks of our day. And where do they go? I have no answer.” (Source)

Ricky and Amanda
Ricky and Amanda met at an Iowa club for teens in December of 2005. Ricky, who was 16 at the time really liked Amanda, who had told him she was also 16. The two talked, and instantly hit it off. They began dating, and had sex on several occasions. The relationship came to an abrupt end when Amanda told Riky’s mother that she was 14. She actually 13. Several months later, Amanda ran away from home and was eventually picked up by the police. Police questioned Amanda about why she left home, and during their interview, it came out that she had been involved with Ricky.

Ricky was soon questioned by police, and he admitted to sleeping with Amanda on two occasions before being informed of her real age. It ended when Amanda told Ricky’s mother she was only 14 and asked her not to reveal this to Ricky. Actually, she was 13. Although Amanda’s parents had no interest in pressing charges, the District Attorney was determined. Ricky was arrested and charged with two felony counts of third degree sexual abuse.

Ricky faced a 20 year prison term if the case went to trial, so in a plea deal, he plead guilty to one count of lewd or lascivious acts with a child. This conviction required Ricky to be registered as a sex offender for a period of 10 years, as well as 2 years probation. After the conviction, Ricky’s family moved from Iowa to Oklahoma, which had recently adopted more stringent categorization of sex offenders. This meant that because of the three year age difference between Ricky and Amanda, Ricky would be classified as a tier 3 sexual predator, a classification reserved for the most dangerous sex offenders in Oklahoma.

When authorities became aware of his status, he was removed from high school. He was prohibited from being in the presence of children other than his brother (had his brother been a girl, he would have been removed from his home.) Ricky’s social life was destroyed, he was ostracized, harassed, and ridiculed by his neighbors and members of his community. Ricky’s ability to live a normal teenagers life has been completely destroyed. (Source)

Crapparazzi And Lesbians

The inaugural meeting of a task force of elected officials and law enforcement leaders occurred yesterday, as they investigated ways to regulate aggressive tabloid photographers. Yawn.

Given the star-wattage at the meeting, I'm not surprised there was martial law on the streets today to keep order. Sissy rocker John Mayer and actors Milo Ventimiglia and Eric Roberts were at City Hall for what was either a courageous stand against the dangerous tactics of the paparazzi or a foolish waste of time.

"Heroes" star Ventimiglia described being pursued at night through West Hollywood. At each red light, he said, three photographers would jump out of their vehicles and surround his car, blinding him with the flashes of their cameras. Ventimiglia said he drove to a sheriff's station but was told there was nothing authorities could do. "I have lost a bit of confidence in the laws," he said. How about that law about statutory rape? Your co-star Hayden Panettiere just turned 18, and you're 31...exactly how long did you say you've been dating?

Mayer, who called himself "one of the most media-friendly celebrities around," said reckless driving, harassment and trespassing by paparazzi make a lethal accident "not a theoretical possibility, but a situational certainty." Wow, musician and statistician! "You can either name the law after what it prevents, or you can name it after the first person who is killed," Mayer said. He added that his mere presence was proof of the problem. "You got a rock star out of bed at 8 o'clock in the morning, so this must be important," he said. I guess - if by important you mean being up that early and out with Minka Kelly, Jennifer Love Hewett, Jessica "Phar Lap" Simpson, and Jennifer Aniston (for starters), all who you've banged.

Roberts simply asked that people start taking his picture and recognizing him. He noted his sister is famed actress Julia Roberts.

But before the celebrity witnesses could utter a single word about paparazzi car chases or sidewalk encampments, Los Angeles Police Chief William J. Bratton had tracked down a camera crew of his own and dismissed the task force as a farce, stirring up controversy.

"If you notice, since Britney started wearing clothes, Paris is out of town and not bothering anybody anymore, thank God, and evidently Lindsay Lohan has gone gay, we don't seem to have much of an issue," Bratton told a reporter. The chief interrupted his morning workout to tell the station that existing laws were sufficient to control the paparazzi and that 90% of the problem was caused by misbehaving stars. He also accused Councilman Dennis P. Zine, who convened the task force, of grandstanding.

Zine during the hearing insisted the chief was wrong and that current penalties for traffic violations and misdemeanors were not sufficient. "They act like a pack of wolves, stalking their prey," he told the task force. "What we're trying to do is prevent a tragedy from happening." Later, Zine asked the mayor and the Police Commission to investigate Bratton's comments. He cited the assessment of Lohan's sexual orientation as particularly inappropriate. "I am just absolutely shocked at his obstinacy. We are trying to do something positive," Zine said. Yeah, so are the Jehovah's Witnesses trying to peddle "The Watchtower" at my door.

Bratton brushed off suggestions that his remarks were insensitive. He said that he had a long record of supporting gay rights and noted that his sister is a lesbian. He called a news conference during Zine's hearing to provide reporters with a list of more than 40 state and local laws that already deal with aggressive photographers. Bratton ridiculed efforts under discussion in the hearing to register paparazzi as "like trying to herd cats." What if you just did the old fashioned way of handling cats - put them in a bag and throw them in the river?

Adding some fuel to the fire was a response by La Lohan herself to the police chief calling her out (literally), who said that police have no business getting involved in her personal life. Really? Which part? The car accidents from August 2004 or October 2005? Or May 2007, when she ran her vehicle up a curb and police found cocaine in her car and in her blood? Is that why they later arrested her on a misdemeanor charge of driving under the influence of alcohol? What about the incident from July 2007, when the police found her in a parking lot having a "heated debate" with her former assistant who was fired several hours earlier? Does the part where you failed a field sobriety test and were found with a BAC above the legal limit count? Or should we just focus on the cocaine in your pocket and driving with a suspended license?

So, how's about you shut the fuck up?

It's time to take aim at two issues we're facing these days. The first is lesbians. Quick test hotshot - which of the two pictures shows lesbians?

Not so fast! You're thinking it's that beer soaked, fratboy fantasy of crazy sluts gone wild who end up delivered to your home (discreetly) for $9.95 a month, cancel anytime! Lesbians, like everybody else in this world, come in all kinds of nasty shapes and sizes. Don't let porn and Hollywood fool you. And even the celebrity lesbians are keeping it real, and it ain't real pretty.

Yes, the real life sex (and the city) is not that glamorous or sexy at all. And like straight couples, the "man" sometimes gets a better looking girl than you'd think matches, but hey - they way she goes. Get out of your head why women who like other women often want women who look like a man, although for a moment let Tyler Durden mention:

...it feels a little disingenuous to call Sam Ronson a “girlfriend”. Does it count as gay when you’re girlfriend looks exactly like a boy? Feels like this is some kind of loophole to being gay. Lindsay didn’t exactly jump all in when it came time to F a girl. Sam is 98 percent boy. Put a vibrator in each hand and now she’s better than a real boy. Now she’s a bionic super boy. Or a regular boy having a seizure. Sam has pretty bad timing. She’s getting Lindsay at her lowest point. After she’s been used up by 900 guys. I hope their vibrators have a leash with a velcro strap that Lindsay can hook to her ankle like surfboards do so nothing gets lost up in there.

But jokes aside, it doesn't matter if guys like girls or other guys, or women prefer the hole over the pole. It's typical, as even the famous prove, that the idea of lesbians is quite different when the off-camera reality is seen. So now that you see lesbians are not Faberge eggs and are just like you and me (especially if you're a fella), why all the fuss? Whether you're lipsticking it like Jill Sobule or Katy Perry, or going for gay broke like Portia Di Rossi or La Lohan, who cares?

And point two is that - who cares? Paparazzi are parasites, and people who care are the hosts which they feed off. If you care what J-Lo's half chihuahua baby looks like or need to see where Posh Spice is shopping, you're a fucking loser. Paparazzi don't exist if there's no magazines being sold with their pictures and stories that are more bullshit than fact. It's nothing new from my lips - if you just stop caring, they don't exist. Fat idiots like Perez Hilton have to go back to working at Starbucks, and Assy Pig Tank becomes another chubby spoiled Persian brat from Beverly Hills.

How many pictures can you look at of celebrities driving cars at night? Whole websites exist and may as well call themselves Celebrity Bikini. Feeble existences are being made into careers, and now there are celebrities just for the sake of. And for what? Entertainment? Between all the incarcerations, rehabs, leg spreading, and partying, you may as well be watching a soap opera - and yes, that's the level to which watching these people melt down or flair up has gotten to...the sublimely ridiculous. Believe me when I say that these people are hardly the most interesting lot, and there have been plenty of times I've been around LA seeing celebrities and there's no throng of leeches snapping away. so how's that possible? Maybe they invite it on themselves? No, Diana did not ask for a high speed ball of metallic automotive death, but every asshole celebrity that has to shop the same 1000 yards of Robertson is not only overspending for their wardrobe, but putting themselves into the limelight.

Actors and musicians are an egotistical, narcisistic, shallow, stupid lot who constantly require validation, which your multiple cat-owning secrataries of the world give them in spades thanks to a derth of shutterbugs. If you really want laws against these vermin, offer hunting licenses for them. You'll see less of them out, I guarentee you, once a few of them take some slugs from a .22 rifle.

A Ledger's Tale

Everybody was thrown for a loop when Heath Ledger died yesterday, except me.

The most complete and subversive coverage of everything can be found at What Would Tyler Durden Do?, which I'm sure will have more posts beyond what's collected here over the next couple of days.

HEATH LEDGER IS DEAD

"HIS ABILITIES ARE RARE"

LEDGER WAS NAKED, FACE DOWN

THE FINAL PICTURES

BEST BUY IS SENSITIVE

MICHELLE WILLIAMS IS DEVASTATED

HEATH LEDGER IS NOW IN HELL

1979 - 2008

LEDGERS AUTOPSY: "INCONCLUSIVE"

LEDGER WAS ON AMBIEN

If you recall, slightly more than a week ago, another young actor was found dead - that was Brad Renfro. It mattered little to me then but it's very important now. You see, both Ledger and Renfro were young, talented actors who died prematurely in connection to drugs, but they've received far different responses. Is this seemingly out-of-the-blue death really just provoking a shocked reaction or are we just showing bigger fan support?

Renfro was never as acclaimed as Ledger, or had as high a profile in Hollywood, even though he could easily lay claim to a resume of co-stars equally as impressive. Renfro came across as trashy while Ledger cut a more elegant figure, roles notwithstanding, which must play a part. Was Ledger benefiting from being more handsome? Even his name is more pleasant than Renfro's. And lest we not ignore the criminal background on Renfro that clearly charted his demise. Is this the wattage of starpower?

Whether our celebrities go suddenly (Kurt Cobain), toe the line for a while (Robert Downey Jr.), or live forever (Keith Richards) , we're all expecting their lifestyle, to some degree, to determine their deathstyle. Some are easier to predict, some are right outta left field, but celebrities die too - and in the same ways as your average person. Let us not forget that, otherwise we deify them beyond the build of their fame.

And hey, there's still Charlie Hunnam (the poor man's Heath Ledger?).

Suck My Caucus

After almost a full year of campaigning, baby shaking, and hand kissing, the field is about to start narrowing in the presidential race.

Iowa, with a measly seven electoral votes, was the first state to get gangbangged by candidates, and should tell us by day's end exactly how dead some campaigns are. Next week, New Hampshire, another overly-emphasised state with only four electoral votes holds primaries. February 5th looks to be the real day of importance, as up to 20 states (representing half the U.S. population) will hold their primaries, but these scrimmage votes are just political masturbation.

Some of the preliminary figures for expenditures in Iowa for the candidates total $20 million, which is fantastic when caucus turnout is predicted at around 130,000. And now you know why I refuse to donate money to a politician.

In the last three months, both major parties have had their top runner change nearly as fast as their entourage of advisers, pollsters, and volunteers moved through states. Are voters that fickle? Do the candidates platforms change? Are the issues that complicated. No, this is fatigue, plain and simple.

And really, who is undecided at this point?

You could run the corpse of Bobby Kennedy and a can of baked beans and I'd vote for them before I throw a Republican vote in the hopper. It's retarded that the Dems are stuck between a black rock and a female hard place, because this election should be more of a slam dunk than '04 would have been, but it would be a historic victory for either, and that's not what needs to be at stake here. Good thing I registered as "decline to state".

I suggest anybody who is so unclear on their political position and beliefs that they are still making up their mind which side of the aisle they end up on has their voting right suspended until they pull their head out of their ass. It's not a fucking IHOP menu and it's not that hard. The majors haven't changed their general stances for over a century (can you believe Lincoln and our current dipshit-in-chief claim rights to the same party?) and the third party groups are all cut from the same fringe cloth. The training wheels need to come off the voting process and the election cycle ought to take about as much time as preparation for All-Star balloting or the homecoming dance.

Pageant Damaged

If you want to see some women with some chewed up psyches and severe myopic thought patterns, spend some time with the beauty queen and pageant crowd.

There is something not right about wanting to stand in front of strangers, lips vaselined into a perma-smile, exuding a toxic amount of positive rhetoric and concern for the world. Competing for the validation of strangers who will decide if you oozed the most poise and charm is a waste of time, but these woman have such shattered spirits, the only validation they can get for their cardboard existence to to battle each other for a chintzy tiara and flimsy sash.

Even though her parents surely did it, the guilt of the Ramseys was not dispatching that creepy, robotic monster, but making JonBenet a soulless, baton twirling, frilly dress wearing competitive automaton. And don't think we're not better off without that warped overdose of pep and kindness that is nothing more than a Pollyanna mask. Over the last year there have pageant winners and revealing their darker, wilder sides and getting in trouble both legally and "professionally" (and I use that loosely, as if competing to be Miss Podunk Small Town suggests a career). Perhaps more correctly, they're baring their realistic sides, as the false puppies-and-rainbows goodness has caused more rot to them than a month hanging out with me. And that is why when they go apeshit, it's a pleasure to watch.

Miss Arizona wannabe and law student Kumari Fulbright is being charged with kidnapping, armed robbery, aggravated robbery and two counts of aggravated assault for holding and torturing her ex-boyfriend in early December with the help of three other men. I'm not even going to bother with saying allegedly - the nutty bitch did it (love that police photo too).

While recently completing a semester-long unpaid stint clerking for a federal judge, she also posed brandishing small arms in a shiny black bikini for a 2008 calendar. Nothing says "take me serious as an attorney and a woman" than a cheesecake calendar for the militia crowd.

Authorities think the dispute began because the ex-boyfriend was believed to have stolen jewelry given to Fulbright by the former beau suspected of helping in the attack. Fulbright (who I think has an ironic last name, and a a crazy stripper's first name) is 25, the victim ex-boyfriend is 24, and the accomplice ex-boyfriend is 44. Not a whole lot of surprises so far in this story.

Fulbright invited the man to her apartment, then excused herself to shower, where two men showed up and bound him with plastic ties and duct tape. They accused him of taking the jewelry, and threatened to shoot him with pistols. When Fulbright finished her shower, she bit the man on his forearm, right hand and ear, held a butcher knife to his head, and told him she was going to kill him.

The man was taken to another home, where the assault continued, then taken back to Fulbright's house, where she guarded him with a gun. He finally managed to free a hand and grabbed the gun, and their struggle spilled outside, eventually managing to escape.

The police noted, "He has some bite marks on him, evident and consistent with his account, and his hands were red and swollen, consistent with someone who had been tied up," and said the suspects stole the victim's wallet, money clip, cell phone, and briefcase.

Tucson police also are seeking to serve her former boyfriend, Robert Ergonis, 44, and his brother, Michael Ergonis, 46, with arrest warrants charging them with kidnapping, armed robbery and aggravated assault, but believe they may have fled the country. Telephone numbers for the brothers were not listed.

Fulbright posted bond but indicted suspect Larry Hammond was still in jail as Tucson police are looking for the idiot tag team of former boyfriend, Robert Ergonis and his brother Michael. It is believed the two have fled the country...enjoy Mexico, douchebags! At the moment, Fulbright's phone is out of service and her apartment was unoccupied Wednesday, without any furniture. Hard times indeed, queenie! Efforts also were made to contact her through Myspace, so you know shit has gone bad if you're 25 and unreachable on Myspace.

In 24 hours this will be old news and little will be spoken of it, but let me just get to the end, which is somewhere towards the end of the year, as the case finally goes to trial...guilty!

this is as sexy as a math test, but less enjoyable

Reset The Counter

There's no fucking way I am going to clean this mess up.

Also, I just want to take a moment to encourage everybody to fail at their New Year's resolutions.

But Famous M, you protest, why so sour in 2008?

Oh, come on! New year, same old cynical curmudgeon. But honestly, who are you fooling? You really think that the magical power of January first is going to help you go to the gym or watch what you eat or make you read more or improve your organization?

I treat resolutions like my birthday (always to be served with ice cream cake?) - with no desire to spend one day basking in the high focus glare of other's adulation and attention, and preferred to be spread out throughout the year rather than concentrated. Do yourself a favor and don't make a production of your claim. You only have further to fall when you slip up. Quietly achieve your goal and make it part of your routine, because that's the only way it will stick.