Apparently, Lucas Likes The Dark Side*

After selling Lucasfilm to Disney for billions, George Lucas has more than enough to throw a hell of a wedding for himself.

The 68-year-old Star Wars creator (and destroyer) is now engaged to his girlfriend of seven years, businesswoman Mellody Hobson.  It will be the second marriage for Lucas and the first for the 43-year-old president of Ariel Investments LLC, an investment management firm.  I hope he's thinking about a very elaborate wedding for the future, or a long honeymoon, because I don't want him anywhere near the next Star Wars film in 2015.

(*what, that's got context)

Third Time's The Chump, Or The Corpse / Bride

Hugh Hefner, the most legendary poonhound of all time (sorry Mr. Chamberlain), decided it would be cheaper to marry Crystal Harris than to pay for a live-in nurse in his twilight years.

The 86-year-old Playboy founder got himself a third wife, and none other than his runaway bride, who left him at the altar in June 2011.  Frankly I'm surprised that he was so keen to get the 26-year-old back, considering the vast array of blondes arriving daily to Los Angeles who are willing to have Viagra instigated sex with old men for money and fame.  Plus there's the rotating cast of "girlfriends" to enjoy, all of which have been fairly interchangeable over the last 12 years of bachelorhood, which seems like a plus.  But perhaps she spoon fed him his oatmeal best (probably made the airplane noises).  At least he took time to get out of his adult diaper to class it up in his best captain's hat and clean bathrobe to pose - that proves it's special.

Word is they toasted with champagne and Metamucil.

I guess for a guy who probably always got whatever girl he wanted, she posed a challenge, but I can't add it all up.  Though I bet that even with her limited skill set Harris can - 'ol Hugh took Playboy private after 40 years, and the company is worth more than $200 million.  That makes for a big check for a widow...

Sedentary Solo Weekend

For the first time in more than a month, I'm not out of town or putting in extra hours at the office, and Scarlett is doing 48 hours in Sin City...you have no idea how excited I am to be able to stay at home and have some down time to get things organized. Okay, I'll leave to watch the European GP, but that's it...

Best of the week: Hef may have lost his young tail, but there's still guys out there picking up the slack. So congratulate Doug Hutchison, the 51-year-old actor (from Lost, The X-Files, and The Green Mile) who married Courtney Stoddard...who is 16. And from the pictures, she looks barely a day under 25.


It should be noted that Stodden is signed to Hutchison's production company, Dark Water, which might have something to do with the wedding. And in order for it to happen, Stodden's mother gave parental consent so that the two could wed in Las Vegas, who aside from her support, added "Courtney was a virgin when she married Doug. She is a good Christian girl." Hutchison is four years older than his father in law, and Alex Stodden said, "Every father can only pray to have such a man behind their daughter." Sir, I imagine that's exactly where he is right now.


Best bonus links:


• Men Say 'I Love You' Before Women Do - Because men want to get laid before women do.


• One Dead, One Critical After Dallas Rave Party - And they said the rave as only so-so.


• Beautiful People Dumps 30,000 Ugly Members - Hopefully they'll use the refund for self improvement.


• Amy Winehouse Cancels Shows After Belgrade Blunder / Ailing Amy Winehouse Cancels Part Of European Tour / Amy Winehouse Cancels Entire Tour - Time heals all wounds.


• Lytro, The Camera That Could Change Photography Forever - What, I'm just going to tell you how? Follow the link!


• Gaylord Complex To Create 1,800 Jobs When Complete - That's a lot of gaylords!


• Topless Robot Presents The Best Scenes From The Green Lantern Movie - there's not many, but the review makes up for it.


• California Legislature To Forfeit Pay, Chiang Says - You can't make a legal budget on time, you don't get paid, plain and simple.


• Bristol Palin: I Lost My Virginity While Drunk - This, to the surprise of no one. It happened somewhere between the second and third wine cooler, and 10 minutes after Levi said he loved her.


• Is It A Bird? Is It A Plane? No, It's Superman And Friends... Painted On Soviet War Statue By The Banksy Of Bulgaria - Vandalism has never looked so pop culture kitchy


• The Inner-Workings Of Mail-Order Music Clubs - Warning, it will cost more than a penny and you can not cancel at any time.


• Police: Gambling Mom Left Girl, 3, Alone In Motel - What, that kid had no poker face.


• Pervious Concrete Is Awesome, Kind Of Zen - Not to be confused with perverted concrete, which is nasty.


• Incompetent Chainsaw Attacker Flees From Bat-Wielding Man - This is going to be good!


• Sega Attacked, Hacker Group Offers To Take Revenge - Let's hope they don't employ a bat or chainsaw.


• Irony alert: Buy KFC's 800-Calorie Soda To Support Diabetes Research - Think of it as a literal investment in your health.


Worst of the week: A Jerusalem rabbinical court condemned to death by stoning a dog it suspects is the reincarnation of a secular lawyer who insulted the court's judges 20 years ago. This is why there can never be peace in the Middle East.


Apparently, the large dog made its way into the Monetary Affairs Court in the ultra-Orthodox Jewish neighbourhood of Mea Shearim in Jerusalem, frightening judges and plaintiffs. Despite attempts to drive the dog out of the court, it refused to leave the premises. One of the judges recalled a curse the court had passed down upon a secular lawyer who had insulted the judges two decades previously. Good luck following that logic train, but when you have judicial curses being issued, I guess anything is possible..


They believe the lawyer's spirit to moved into the body of a dog, an animal considered impure by traditional Judaism. One of the judges sentenced the animal to death by stoning by local children, but the dog managed to escape. Further proof it's the reincarnated lawyer! All I can say is oy vey.


Worst bonus links:


• Tritium Leaks Found At Many Nuke Sites - I don't even know what that is, but it sounds bad.


• Bay: New 3-D Transformers Better Than No. 2 - Uh, no, it's not better than shit. It's still shit..


• Master Chef Really Draws A Crowd - Especially when there are people digitally added to it.


• Deer Dropped By Eagle Knocks Out Power In Montana - Yep, life out in the boonies.


• Cuba: Seas To Rise More Than 30 Inches By 2100 - Bad news if you live on an island, but by then I think most of the people will have already gone to Florida.


• Gossip Girl Star To Play Jeff Buckley In Movie - Penn Badgely? JB is rolling in his grave.


• Report Says Big Southland Quake Would Have Huge Effect On Workforce And Economy - And this wasn't even the top story for The Common Knowledge Journal.


• 55-Foot 'Sea Monster' Washes Up In China - I thought all the Kardashian sisters were back in Los Angeles?


• Sarah And Bristol Palin Trademark Their Names - To what, Dumb and Dumber?


• Lulzsec Hackers Go To War With 4chan - Geek on nerd violence...when will the cycle be broken?


• Science Confirms It: Whining Is The Most Annoying Sound Ever - So now, officially, shut up bitch.


• Polo Player In Canucks Riot Apologizes - Savor it. That is the only time you will ever see the words "polo player" and "riot" in the same sentence ever again.


• R.I.P. Gene Colan And Peter Falk - Falk and Colon!


• Mother Charged With Killing Baby In Microwave - She should have used defrost and not cook.


• Hugh Hefner's Aborted Wedding Becomes A TV Special / Holly Madison Trashes Crystal Harris' Cancelled Wedding Day Bash / Crystal Harris Will Keep $90,000 Ring, Bentley From Hugh Hefner - The only thing less interesting than the magazine these days is the personal life of it's founder.


• PNC To Buy RBC Unit For $3.45 Billion - Too many initials. This just sounds like a bad idea.


• Jon Bon Jovi On Crutches After Strain - He should not have tried to hit that high note.

Fifth Time's The Charm

Sometimes, when you suck at something, you should just stop.

Actor Lorenzo Lamas (53) wed girlfriend Shawna Craig (24) at the Casa Dorada Resort in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, where three decade age differences are a blessing! I'm sure her parents were proud.

Lamas proposed to Craig over dinner at Mr. Chow's in Beverly Hills in February after only three months of dating, which is how every girl hopes she'll have the question popped. Craig, who is a model, is just one year younger than Lamas' oldest daughter Shayne Lamas, one of six in Lorenzo's brood. Shayne is also married and pregnant with her first child, because there's no time to waste if you're a Lamas for squeezing out kids and running through nuptials.

Lorenzo was most recently married to former playmate and living sex doll current plastic surgery disaster Shauna Sand.

And if you're wondering how Lamas can afford a fleet of ex-wives and children, it's his non-stop acting. Sure he may have been on television with Falcon Crest and Renegade, but he's averaged two films a year for the past twenty years. Maybe you've seen or heard of some of these gems:

• the amazing trilogy of Snake Eater, Snake Eater II: The Drug Buster, and Snake Eater III: His Law

• a couple of films that sound so macho they're dangerously close to gay porn - Gladiator Cop, Midnight Man, Body Rock, and Rapid Exchange

• movies that clearly were made only to air on the Sci-Fi channel - Raptor Island, Succubus: Hell Bent, Dark Waters, and Sci-Fighter

• internationally bad films like Latin Dragon, Mexican Gold, and Chinaman's Chance

• and a few that just sound horrible by the title - The Circuit 2: The Final Punch, Motocross Kids, and CIA II: Target Alexa

And he's the only actor to have worked with Phyllis Diller and Gary Busey in the same film (not counting Cody the Chimp)!

Big Love On The Run

The polygamous Utah family whose "Sister Wives" reality TV show turned into a criminal bigamy investigation, has moved out of state. Moved, or trying to outrun the long arm of the law?

According to his attorney, Kody Brown moved his "family" of four "wives" - Meri, Janelle, Christine and newest family member Robyn, plus 16 kids to Nevada in order to "pursue new opportunities". If you want a new opportunity, ditch cheaper-by-the-dozen and start a new single life. Brown is only legally married to Meri, with whom he has one child, but has multiple children with two of the other three women; Janelle, bore him six children (ages 5 to 15) and Christine turned out five (ages 6 to 14, with one on the way). What the allure is to pursue Robyn (who already has three children) is anyone's guess.

Even in the Latter Day haven of Utah, bigamy is a third-degree felony in Utah. Under current law, a person can be found guilty of bigamy through cohabitation, not just legal marriage contracts, though no charges have been filed...yet. If everything completely goes to shit, we're looking at Waco part 2, but more likely, it will just some very pissed off neighbors who don't like the house next door turned into a dormitory. I'm just shocked that it's an actual show and that it's been renewed for a second season. If there is one boon, at least Colorado will be getting a whole new batch of organ donors.

Playmate Of The (Last Remaining) Year(s)

It's a familiar Christmas sight - the jolly old man making merry while the young girl on his lap is terrified. Even so, it appears congratulations are due to Hugh Hefner and his fiance Crystal Harris!

The man with more pussy than he knows what to do with it is 60 years senior his 24-year-old girlfriend, but before you say that's disgusting, here's ex-girlfriend Izabella St. James' description from her memoir Bunny Tales of what it is to be the top whore in Hef's harem:

At around midnight, Hef would take his Viagra; it was always wrapped in a crumpled Kleenex - although Holly (Madison) bought him a nice Tiffany pillbox once, he always stuck to his habits.

Hef would lie on his back in the middle of the bed, and as some of us were getting stoned or drinking Dom, he would cover himself in baby oil. Many of the girls he slept with would get yeast infections, which they blamed on the baby oil...Holly would start off the festivities by orally pleasuring Hef

That appeared to be the distinguishing mark of the number one Girlfriend—not only was she the only one who had sex with him regularly, but she was the only girl that ever had that particular kind of sex with Hef. Holly was always quick and full of moans and groans and "oh daddy" shout-outs. After that came to the grand finale: Hef masturbated while watching the porn, and Holly sucked on his nipple.

Okay, now that's fucking disgusting.

Harris worked her way up the skank ladder a few years ago, but was overshadowed by 19-year-old-twins Karissa and Kristina Shannon, and the three where Hef's revision on the blonde trio he'd held for years with Madison, Bridget Marquardt and Kendra Wilkinson. With his divorce from 2nd wife Kimberly Conrad finalized in March of this year, the old man must have realized it would be cheaper to marry one of his bimbos than put a full-time care provider on payroll.

Even if he dies on her or she ends up being his the next ex, at least Harris can look forward to her final few minutes of fame with a show on E!

And They're Off...Again

It's shocking (or not) how quick the last post has been rendered irrelevant. Bristol "My Mother Was Almost Vice-President Of The United States And All I Got Was This Lousy Teen Pregnancy" Palin and Levi "Dumb Even By Alaskan Hillbilly Standards" Johnston are calling off their second engagement. Yeah...sure - I buy that, right on the heels of Brett Favre telling Vikings he will retire.

This potential turning point for mankind* occurred when Johnston told Palin her may have fathered a baby with another girl. Nice! Just like the two of those geniuses, the story gets complicated as the other girl was not identified, but a pregnant ex-girlfriend of Johnston has publicly denied he is the father. Okay, but exactly how many ex-girlfriends of his are currently pregnant?

Bristol Palin said the "final straw" was when Johnston told her he was going to Hollywood to see a hunting show, but actually went there to star in a music video mocking her family. I can't imagine what crap musician (who the hell is Brittani Senser?) decided such on a topical video concept, but that's got shitty publicity stunt written all over it.

Palin did not have her mother's full support over reconnecting with Johnston, and both her mother and father - in a surprise feat of parental involvement, worried that she would get hurt again. They say that even plants can feel pain, so I guess she might be effected. Thus continues the ongoing animosity between the Palins and Johnston. Unless some of these morons die, there will surely be more news to come...

*Yes, no more retarded^ Palin babies to slowly overrun the population like a one family version of Idiocracy

^I know, mommy had the 'tard baby, but that family barely shares enough intelligence to pop the lid off a jar of mayonnaise. They're all goddamn retards.

What Ever Happened To Eddie Munster? (I'm Looking At Him)*

This past weekend everybody was gaga over Chelsea Clinton's wedding, but for me, there was more important matrimonial news - Butch Patrick aka Eddie Munster, has found himself a bride.

Like most survivors of 60's sit-coms and the nostalgia circuit, Butch Patrick regularly hears from fans, some of whom had a crush on him since the '60s - and are now close to their sixties. "But not from a lot of cheerleaders," Patrick said. That cheerleader? Donna Auerbach McCall - who is actually a former cheerleader. As in 1976 to 1979 for the Philadelphia Eagles.

Patrick just moved near West Chester, PA to be with McCall, who was also a young "Munsters" fan with whom he corresponded in 1964. Remeber kids, that was over 40 years ago; correspondence meant letters - the things you have to write and send from a post office. McCall, who was also once a hospital pharmacist (retired), had e-mailed Patrick a few months ago to say that something had triggered her memory of him. Was it the stash she'd liberated before she left her job? Or crushing loneliness as she pondered her remaining years, fearful of dying alone?

The actor, really only known for his role on the Munsters, clearly had very little going on and kept in touch with McCall, Though he was living in Los Angeles and Florida, the pair met in May at a vampire convention near Pittsburgh. And the rest, shall we say, is getting booked with 13Haunts.com to appear at the company's Halloween-themed fright events in the area throughout September and October.

*that's a long way for a joke

Meant For Each Other

What's the best way to tell your parents you've decided to get back together with and marry your teenage baby daddy after a very ugly public tiff between him and your family? On the cover of Us Weekly, of course!

Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston told the rag that they were getting married — with or without the approval of Sarah Palin. Yep, she's a viable candidate for some public office just on virtue alone of her magnificent handling of her daughter's pregnancy and relationships. The Alaskan hillbillies say they reconnected about three months ago while working out a custody agreement for their 18-month-old son, Tripp.

I've got an agreement for you both to mull over - sterilization. You're both too fucking stupid to be declared legally competent to manage your lives, let alone create any others. Even if you don't end up together, that's what would be best for society.

According to the magazine, Johnston and Palin secretly got engaged two weeks ago, which makes their denial in People magazine from the same period as the Us Weekly scoop even more awesome. Perhaps they didn't offer the same $100,000 and cover for the exclusive. In a statement to NBC News this morning, Sarah and Todd Palin said that they want what's best for their kids and that "Bristol believes in redemption and forgiveness to a degree most of us struggle to put in practice in our daily lives". Too bad they don't want what's best for the country, which would be locking the whole family in a mobile home and setting it on fire.

Gay Marriage Is Illegal, But Man And Beast Can Wed

Not to be upstaged by sisters Assy Pig Tank and the Brainiac, The Beast makes a power move!

The news is that Lamar Odom and Shrek Khloe Kardashian needed all of one month together to decide that they were going to get married. The wedding is this Sunday (and she "couldn't be happier" - of course, she's used to trapping and eating men, not marrying them), but the bachelor party is tonight. And it is going to be insane.

Why?

Joe "Raping Scumbag Assaulting Tax Evader" Francis is hosting Lamar’s swan song to bachelorhood at Les Deux nightclub in Hollywood. It is being described as a formal affair...with stripper poles and “midgets.” At least there's "tons of candy". And that's not code for anything.

Khloe’s brother Rob will be there to "keep an eye on Lamar", but he'll have so much little person ass covered in coke, I doubt he'll even know who Lamar is. The only wilder gathering will be the divorce afterparty. Does Lamar need a green card? Is he fighting the draft? I know brothers like white girls, but Khloe ain't white, and pending a South Africa track and field gender test, may not be female.

She Loves Love

I make no secret of my disdain for "reality" television, but I am particularly disgusted by Patti Stanger, aka The Millionaire Matchmaker. Finally, love's arrow has pierced her heart...unfortunately, not killing her.

The celebloids are reporting that she is engaged to Andy Friedman. The poor bastard. The tranny-looking spinster added, "I feel like it should have happened years ago, so I'm kind of shocked." Yeah, so are we, dude. Friedman, a 51-year-old real estate executive whom she met through a matchmaker five and a half years ago, popped the question in Maui back in May. Am I the only person who thinks a 48 year old "woman" who has never been married is the wrong source for relationship advice? And that she herself went to a matchmaker to meet? Was her own advise that bad she couldn't follow it? Yes.

"I have a rule," she barked. "If you go out a year and he doesn't propose, it goes up a carat a year." Yes, you fine female wine, you are more valuable as you age and deserve a bigger rock. Maybe that works if you're nearing menopause (though do trannies have a change of life, other than the surgery?), but getting hitched after only a year of dating for anyone other than mid-life adults is terrible advise. Actually even for adults it's a little soon. And if you're together five years and anywhere near that age, guess what ladies - you're not ever gonna hear those words. Either spend that money on plastic surgery or renew that subscription to Cat Fancy.

In order to add pointlessness to the story, she tells a black swan named Raymond delivered the 4 carat ring. Who the fuck takes the time to find out what the damn swan's name is? "Hey, let's get a black swan for our event...and make sure it's Raymond!" And I'm not in the market for rocks, but 4 carats can't be cheap. Would you really tie that much money to a bird? Maybe he was hoping it would fly away and he'd be in the clear. This guy is over 50 and has some money, and he wants old tranny vaj?

The couple, who also don't live together, are planning for 2010 nuptials. We'll see about that. By the way, anybody know why Stanger and Chyna have never been seen in the same place at the same time?

Current Event Catch-Up

What's been happening that you may have missed? This is what you need to know...

Scientists Map the Brain, Gene By Gene - It will soon be possible to know not only how little of your grey matter you use down to the cellular level.

Diamond Sales Slump Echoes Worldwide - Rue the day the rich can no longer afford their bling! And cry for the Indians who used to earn about $130 a month polishing diamonds when there was a demand. I want to know what we're going to call conflict diamonds when there's no imperative to get them.

Rapper T.I. Sentenced To Year On Weapons Charges - Let's see how gangsta he really is after some time in the slammer. And you know why it's called the slammer...3-2 odds he's traded for a carton of smokes and a mix tape.

VA Says 16 Colonoscopy Patients Have Hepatitis - Bad enough you're getting an ass probe, but hepatitis is the cherry on top of that shit sundae.

U.S. Goes After Mexican Cartel Guns, Cash On Border - Since we can't keep illegal aliens from coming over, at least we'll get some firearms and scratch!

Bruce Willis, Emma Heming Legalize Their Marriage - That means they fucked.

Oldest Sea Creatures Have Been Alive 4,000 Years - Not really! But Live Science, the absolute worst and most misleading "science" sight on the web can't ever get it right. Once again, their own incompetence in understanding facts - even ones they miraculously include in their stories - shines through.

Critics Call WTC Tower Name Change Unpatriotic - Is keeping "Freedom Tower" really better than "Gigantiplex, Piercing Phallus Of The Skyline"?

Study: Triathlons Can Pose Deadly Heart Risks - I always suspected that running a marathon after 118 miles of bike riding and a brisk 2.4 mile swim was a good way to make your heart explode.

Gillispie Regrets Not Winning More At Kentucky - I would too if I got fired after two seasons of coaching and posting a 40-27 record while missing the NCAA tournament for the first time since 1991.

Girl, 14, Faces Porn Charges For Nude Photos - Sorry, but taking nude pictures of yourself and posting them on your own Myspace page is illegal. I remember when this country used to be great...

$150M Buys You Late TV Producer's L.A. Mansion - Whoever buys the old Spelling Manor is automatically an asshole...though not as much as Candy Spelling for asking over $2000 a square foot. I hope she'll be okay when she moves into her $47 million penthouse...

Mother Of The Whore

According to The Daily Mail, a $32,000 wedding gown looks like this:

Yes, a 16-year-old girl and a 17-year-old boy tied the knot in England, in a lavish ceremony that cost around $200,000
The couple married six days after Missy turned 16 at St Mary’s Catholic Church in Congleton-Cheshire. After the ceremony-guests in feathers and crystals enjoyed champagne and an all-day buffet at the reception. Girls as young as nine showed off bikini tops, high heels and make-up.

And if you think the above is perhaps not the classiest, wait til you see what her mother...

That’s right! A big ol’ white rhinestoned bra with flank-baring bodice. Though, to be fair, her mom is only 33 years old, but doesn’t look a day over DD.

Sweet Dee and Mac

It would be out of character for Kaitlin Olson and Rob McElhenney to hook up, but Sweet Dee and Mac from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia got married. Fanboys probably already know that Charlie and The Waitress are married in real life too.