Anniversary Weekend

Scarlett and I are headed up to The City for a little anniversary celebrating, even though depending on who you ask is a few weeks or a few months past due. But while we're out, you can celebrate a full year's worth of Velvet Glove - Iron Fist, that interweb abomination I share in the blame (though more falls on Don MF Greeb). It was just a terrible dream come true, and though I have my favorites, take a look and celebrate with your own.

Best of the week: Any trip to a foreign land is incomplete without a chance to sample the foods, see the sights and purchase some pornography.

It's that last bit that got Carlos Alfredo Simon-Timmerman in trouble. He was detained by customs in Puerto Rico on his way back from a Venezuelan vacation. Agents found a copy of "Little Lupe the Innocent: Don't Be Fooled by Her Baby Face," starring Lupe Fuentes, in his luggage. Presumably after watching and re-watching the video several times to be sure, the customs officer - who somehow testified as an expert in child pornography - determined that Fuentes was "13–14 years of age," and Simon-Timmerman was subsequently arrested and held awaiting trial for months, facing a 20-year prison sentence.

The problem? Little Lupe, who was born in 1987, was definitely of legal age at the time of filming...if anyone involved in prosecuting Simon-Timmerman cared to look. Which they didn't.

Despite assorted forms of documentation that proved Fuentes' age, the feelings of the pair of "experts" - the customs agent and one Dr. Pedro R. Jaunarena, a pediatrician - overruled the evidence provided by the defense. His attorney contacted Fuentes, who verified that, yeah, she was a legal adult when she made the movies. Even still, this wasn't enough to challenge the prosecutor's confidence in the child porn experts, who by this time must have watched the video dozens, if not hundreds of times, in order to develop an unshakable faith in their own observations. The prosecution refused to subpoena the records from Fuentes' studio or even allow a copy of Fuentes' ID into evidence.

So it came down to Little Lupe herself flying to Puerto Rico to show her passport to the prosecutor, and testify under oath that she was not really 13 years old. "My fans mean everything to me, " Fuentes said. "It was important to me to make the trip to Puerto Rico to show support to someone who did no wrong." Other than being stupid enough to drag their prons on an international flight. Just download it like the rest of us.

I submit this as evidence for Puerto Rico to never get statehood.

And: Could everyone's favorite anti-Islam pickup truck that was also maybe racist? Well the Virginian driver of the beautiful vehicle is now speaking out and telling the world that he is no racist. (but maybe his Facebook is)

Aside from the graphics on his truck, there was some controversy about his vanity license plate, which seemed to contain some coded references to Nazism and a notorious white supremacist. The fellow, Douglas Story, would like everybody to know that he loves Jews and also NASCAR, but not Nazis:

"There is absolutely no way I'd have anything to do with Hitler or Nazis." Story said. My sister-in-law and my niece are Jewish. I went to my niece's bat mitzvah when she turned 13 three years ago. Does that sound like something an anti-Semite would do?" Story says the numbers 14 and 88 on his plate were not references to a white power slogan or "Heil Hitler," as the Council on American-Islamic Relations theorized, but an homage to his favorite NASCAR drivers: Tony Stewart, who drives car No. 14, and Dale Earnhardt Jr., who drives No. 88. Story applied for the vanity plate in March 2009, shortly after Earnhardt changed his car number from 8 to 88 and Stewart changed his from 20 to 14.

Or does that mean Dale Earnhardt Jr. and Tony Stewart are Nazis? Mr. Story still has one important passion in life: he still really hates the Muslim stuff. He says he doesn't know who took the photo of his truck in a handicapped parking spot, leading to it becoming a viral sensation on the web. "Probably someone who obviously has a soft spot for Islam," he said. So is this Facebook profile real or fake? Tune in and find out...

Best picture of the week:

stop teasing and just do it already

Best bonus links:

• Police Barred From Penis Enlargement - Wasn't that the issue that spurred them into a law enforcement career?

• Alexander McQueen High On Cocaine, Tranquilizers When He Hanged Himself - Well played, sir. You couldn't be jacking off and go for the trifecta?

• Admiral Ackbar: The Toilet - Obligatory "It's A Crap" joke here.

• L.A. Police Hunting Man With 'Bourne-Like' Identity - Or is he hunting them? The hunt is on!

• Muslim Says Mistresses Are The French Way Of Life - French Muslims must be the most arrogant, self-righteous people in the world. But they're on to something with this mistress thing.

• Make Your Own Homemade Snickers Bars - Sounds like fun, if you have the cooking abilities. Which I don't...so somebody whip me up a batch

• China Loses Bronze Medal Because Of Young Dong - You use the young Dong, you pay the price. Or they could have said China's women's gymnastics disqualified after Dong found out.

• Girl Survives Sting From World's Most Venomous Creature - This is not a run-in with Perez Hilton, but actually something much worse.

• The Costco Prank - Totally awesome injection of chaos into corporate America. And the heartland.

• The Best Name In Show Business - And it's on television screens each week. And the only good thing about the show.

• Password Card Hides Mentally Encrypted Passwords in Your Wallet - Can you remember where you left your wallet, though?

• Killer Gets Life Sentence For Burning Homeless Man To Death - Though a noble solution to the every growing problem, still not a legal one.

• Perry Farrell Lists Venice House For $1.6 Million - Anybody got a few bucks they can loan me. It is a sweet pad.

• Man Hid From Police In A Vat Of Poo - He really got himself into deep shit. (you had to see that one coming)

• The Slave Leia Car Wash Company - Sadly, not replacing the brushless wash on my corner. If only they cleaned the car owners, and then nerds everywhere would finally not smell like their basement lairs.

• Navy To Allow Women To Serve On Submarines - Women and seamen in a confined space is a recipe for trouble. And with smoking banned, what are they going to do afterwards?

• Nazi Pedophile, Torturer, Cult Leader In Chile Dies - This guy really went for broke to become everything horrible you could be in a lifetime. Rot in Hell, you bastard.

Worst of the week: I'll take all the Bret Michaels jokes you want to throw out there, but this article spawned a new circle of hell...

"Bret Michaels' Brain Hemorrhage May Affect Pantene Campaign." Are you shitting me? Nope:

After Bret Michaels helped launch a contest for what's been billed as the "world's first reality TV ad" for Pantene, the rock star's recent health problems mean the Procter & Gamble Co. brand may need to seek a plan B for the contest prize.

The rock star is being treated in the intensive care unit of an undisclosed Arizona hospital from a brain hemorrhage suffered last week, and physicians have yet to determine the source of the bleeding, according to press reports.

The long-locked Poison frontman had been part of a lead-in to the restage of Pantene, complete with tweets suggesting that he might become a celebrity spokesman for the brand, though he was really part of the prize in a promotion announced on April Fool's Day.

The winner of a video contest to become a "reality" participant in a May 25 TV commercial alongside Pantene pitchwoman Stacy London is to receive tickets to a Bret Michaels concert this summer as part of a "Be the Rock Star You Are" package, which also includes first-class airfare, a ride in Mr. Michaels' tour bus and backstage passes.

The contest continues, with 12 finalists to do test shoots in New York next month. But the part of the prize having to do with Mr. Michaels may have to be put on hold or changed based on his health, a P&G spokesman said.

"We wish him a speedy recovery, and we're certainly hoping for the very best," the spokesman said, adding that no decisions have been made yet regarding any changes in the promotion.

Prior to his hospitalization last week, Mr. Michaels had an emergency appendectomy April 12 after canceling a concert at Sea World in San Antonio, Texas, due to stomach pain.

Who the fuck other than P&G marketing douches care about, let along know that there's a Bret Michaels / Pantene campaign anyway? Scumtastically low, and a feat even by (the lack of) advertising standards.

And: Hollywood Sucks, Episode 367.

Yes, they announced they're making a movie based on the Magic-8 Ball. I wish I was kidding. After Candyland, Battleship, Risk, Bazooka Joe, Asteroids, View-Master, and Ouija Board movies found their way into production, there's nothing left to joke about without the very real chance it's also in some stage of development.

And aside from making unnecessary bad movies, they'll continue to remake good ones. Vince at Film Drunk said, "Commando is indisputably the high-water mark of 80s action movies. Arnold Schwarzenegger fed deer with his daughter, jumped out of moving jets, used rose bushes for cover against sub machine gun fire, chopped people’s arms off, and said things like, 'You’ll have to excuse my friend; he’s dead tired.' You can’t remake a movie like that. I mean, you can, and there have been at least 30 movies with the same basic plot since then, but what makes Commando Commando is that it’s so 80's. So Arnold." And no sooner said than put into development.

So wonder why then movies you want to see can't get made. No, Anchorman 2 is not happening. Paramount, who owns the project so it can’t be made at another studio, passed on it. Even though Will Ferrell, Steve Carell, and Paul Rudd agreed to return for it. And were taking pay cuts. And the film budget was reduced. Burn Hollywood, burn.

Worst picture of the week:

someone added a clit ring to a tree in Williamsburg. fuck you, hipsters

Worst bonus links:

• Indiana Grandmother Is Having a New Baby. With Her Grandson - We're coming out the gate strong with horrible links. This is just pure awful.

• Police Say Texan Decapitated Wife With Chain Saw - But it is Texas, so he probably didn't even turn the thing on.

• Idaho Scientists Find Fabled Worm - Hooray, your life has purpose. Well, not that much...you spend all your time looking for a rare worm. Idaho needs to get some night life.

• U.S. Soldiers in Afghanistan Made a Lady Gaga Music Video - I thought this was the reason we had "Don't ask, don't tell". This is why the terrorists hate us. And now I hate us too.

• Petside Poll: Pets Listen Better Than Husbands - I don't know what a petside poll is, but it's useless. That's why they're husbands and not pets - and they acually understand what you're telling them. They're just smart enough to ignore you.

• Driver's Thumbs Insured For $13 Million - A ridiculous amount for any part of Alonso to be worth. But clearly a safegard from his teammate Massa, who'll have to break Alonso's hands if he want's to win.

• French Church Recruits Young Priests Via Facebook - And French priest recruit alterboys the same way.

• Shakira Visiting Phoenix Over Immigration Law - Thank God Shakira is on the case! I can't remember a more meaningful involvement by a celebrity since Wilt Chamberlain went to the Watergate Hotel.

• NY Police Tell Parents That Son Is Dead...He's Not - And they were totally planning to remodel his room and set up a gym.

• How To Make A Soccer Ball From A Condom - Yes, show the third worlders how to keep from having safe sex. At least all their offspring will have a game to play!

• Julia Roberts Named World's Most Beautiful By People / Lady Gaga, Robert Pattinson Dubbed 'Most Influential' By Time Magazine - People and Time magazines named least credible publications.

• Man Stabs 28 Children At Kindergarten In China / 5 Preschoolers Hit With Hammer In New China Attack - Completely insane. If you keep putting chemicals in the foods and medicine, people are going to go apeshit this this.

• Chelsea Clinton Admonishes Bill To Lose 15 Lbs. For Her Summer Wedding - Daddy's not the problem. Why don't you work on your 15 lbs of ugly first, you dream haunting goblin?

• Ricky Martin Criticizes Arizona's Immigration Law - Oh shit! Now the gay one from Menudo is taking on the the Grand Canyon State! Listen you one trick pony, you already tried to have a media moment with your non-revalation, so just leave the outrage to the professionals. If this thing is turning out to be shitty Latin pop artists versus a racist illegal law, I'm siding with Arizona no matter how wrong they are.

• Fake Rap Poetry Slam 4 Jesus, Or, Dear 2012 - Jesus Christ this is awful. It is the Rapture for rapping.

• Cleaners Paint Over Priceless Art - It was a Banksy, and while it is great, is it priceless? Those public servants, just following orders...

• Woman Bites Man After Being Called Fat - Not disproving the point there either, tubby.