God's Breath

Moses might not have parted the Red Sea - according to computer simulations (yawn), but rather, was potentially aided by a strong east wind that blew through the night. Uh, no.

Computer simulations (I'm gonna keep drawing attention to that), which part of a larger study on how winds affect water, showed wind could push water back at a point where a river bent to merge with a coastal lagoon. Yes, that's the grand result of teams at the National Center for Atmospheric Research and the University of Colorado (Boulder).

"The computer simulations match fairly closely with the account in Exodus," said Carl Drews. Wait - you made a computer simulation match up to a biblical account? What's next? Computer simulations of biblical battles (don't answer that, History Channel)? "The parting of the waters can be understood through fluid dynamics. The wind moves the water in a way that's in accordance with physical laws, creating a safe passage with water on two sides and then abruptly allowing the water to rush back in." Yes, douche, we understand how it works, but what proof do you have of it?

Drews and his team pinpointed a possible site south of the Mediterranean Sea for the legendary crossing, and modeled different land formations that could have existed then and perhaps led to the accounts of the sea appearing to part. So get excited for some specifically constructed conditions in order to create the desired computer simulated outcome!

Their model required a U-shaped formation of the Nile River and a shallow lagoon along the shoreline. In that precise, unverified and modeled spot, a wind of 63 miles per hour, blowing steadily for 12 hours, could have pushed back waters 6 feet deep. "This land bridge is 2 to 2.5 miles long and 3 miles wide, and it remains open for 4 hours." I've heard of a perfect storm, but does this mean there's now a perfectly made up storm?

I've also been working on some research, and in my computer simulations, I have pleasured many Hollywood starlets. My results are totally legitimate.