TJ's Connection

Breaking News From The Department Of Obvious Studies

On the heels of such breakthrough research as the "Water Is Wet" papers and the universally regarded "Food Satisfies Hunger" theory, a recent study by Texas researchers seems to have proved that men who wear expensive clothes and drive flashy cars are more successful at having flings and staying single than their counterparts. Everything really is big in Texas, including the waste of time and money.

Their survey of nearly 1,000 men and women, they looked for "signals" sent by conspicuous consumption and how it is viewed by the opposite sex. C'mon, everybody knows that splashy spending is a signal to women that they want a to get some - the human equivalent of peacock plumage is a canary yellow Ferrari (the only reason for that nasty color is to say "look at me").

"Basically, they're just trying to convince a female that, 'Hey, if all you're looking for is genes, I have the best genes, so you should choose me,'" said marketing professor Dr. Jill Sundie. Yes, women know that the fat, ugly, middle aged guy in a sports car has the best genes. She continued, "Women seem to understand that when they see a man who has chosen to spend money conspicuously, they think he would be more interesting as a date." Or a source of income.

I'm looking forward to their next project - a study linking bitchy, ugly women with loneliness.

No Fighting On The First Date

Another Perk

Sure, they used to be our Imperialist masters, but the Brits still have some good to offer. Like a recent study that claims the secret to a happy marriage for men is choosing a wife who is smarter and at least five years younger than you.

The work, published in the European Journal of Operational Research (who?), claim these pairings are more likely to go the distance, particularly if neither has been divorced in the past. The researchers studied interviews of more than 1,500 couples who were married or in a serious relationship. Five years later, they followed up 1,000 of the couples to see which had lasted.

They found that if the wife was five or more years older than her husband, they were more than three times as likely to divorce than if they were the same age. If the age gap is reversed, and the man is older than the woman, the odds of marital bliss are higher.

Those who have never divorced fare better too. But couples in which one member has been through a divorce in the past are less stable than those in which both members are divorcees.

Famous M and his young beau Scarlett 1, other fellas and their old ladies, 0.

Company Ink

Back in July, there was a rumor suggesting that Molly McNearney, who swiftly ascended the Jimmy Kimmel Live! ranks from lowly Chinese Theater Chewbacca-wrangling assistant to that show's head writer, had been the woman who came between Kimmel and Sarah Silverman.

A "source" who knew McNearny said it couldn't be further from the truth:

"She is absolutely NOT banging Jimmy Kimmel. She was promoted from assistant to staff writer, and then from staff writer to head writer. Where's the controversy there? That's kinda how it works in this biz.

Also, as a matter of interest, Molly has been with her boyfriend for 3 years, and believe it or not was in Africa ministering to orphans when this story broke (that's not sarcasm, I swear). The truth is that one of Jimmy's BFFs works as a writer on the show, and Molly and another writer tried to let him go. He complained to Jimmy, got his job reinstated, and then sought a little revenge via the interwebs. The sad thing is that this is tearing Molly up."

Cut to : Kimmel's rep confirms the pair are dating. This is pretty much only news because of the Letterman fiasco, but let's try not to act surprised with the eventual lawsuit for wrongful termination comes up and this whole thing ends badly.

Get Action