The Result Of Years Of Heroin Use

The Red Hot Chili Peppers have been pretty irrelevant for the last ten years to me, namely to do with the overplaying of their albums and the fact that the last three releases compound the issue by sounding exactly the same. It's been like listening to one giant mediocre song for a decade.

And while their music has little surprise or life left in it, I like the wild touches singer Anthony Keidis adds to his personal life. Like hooking up with a twenty year old when he's nearly midway into his forties. Or that he knocked her up. Well done sir! I won't suggest dating a girl half your age and putting a baby in her is at all a sign of a midlife crisis. And while Sarah Silverman is correct that the best time to get pregnant is when you're a black teenager, Miss Barely Twenty came a close second with her terrific life plan.

But beyond the awesome cliche of their age difference of his fame and her nothingness is the continued willingness of famous people to have children who they wish to condemn to a life of ridicule and shame.

Their new son is named Everly Bear.

“It came to me by way of the Everly Brothers, which is one of my favorite bands,” he said, while mother Heather Christie “came up with Bear. That made sense to me because he’s from me and I feel like I’m part of the bear clan.”

What the fuck are you talking about?

This is what happens when you shoot up and OD while Clan Of The Cave Bear is on in the background. Okay manimal, you're a bear and your lovely baby momma was clever enough to see it and point it out -- let's go with that story. The kid is going to hate the Everly Brothers music and his parents for such a goofy name, but you already knew that.

If any ladies out there want to spawn me a child, I'm game. The plan is simple: have the kid, and then have our kid beat up their kid. I know what you're thinking, that perhaps my child is going to be a wussie too. I guarantee that little Blood Stormhammer will be nothing of the sort. And you ought to hear the names I've got planned if it's a boy.