Chico Stupido

I can't get published for my life, but seeing print is the story of Pope Benedict XVI's life -- as told through the eyes of a tabby cat.

In "Joseph and Chico: A Cat Recounts the Life of Pope Benedict XVI," the titular orange tabby cat tells readers the pope is "my dearest friend, a wonderful man with whom I've spent many happy moments." What the hell kind of feline dogmatic propaganda is this?

The book depicts the future pope's early steps in the Catholic Church, from when he entered a seminary in 1939 to his ordination as a priest in 1951. Chico, who is not one to shy away from touchy subjects, also discusses Nazi era Germany, when a teenaged Ratzinger enrolled in the Hitler Youth. "In that period, Joseph was forced to do something that absolutely went against his will: enroll in the Army and leave for war," it says.

The biography ends with Pope John Paul II's funeral and Benedict's election to the pontificate on in April 2005. "Now Joseph Ratzinger is not only my friend, but the great friend and leader of all Catholics," Chico says. Thanks, cat! When you're not stealing breath from babies or crossing peoples paths, I guess you're pretty knowledgeable and trustworthy. Got any career advice, or ideas on fashion?

"I can assure you that what you will find in this book ... is all true and interesting," Benedict's secretary, Monsignor Georg Gaenswein, says in the preface of the book. Just like the Bible! And a cat that does narration -- that makes Jesus look like a bore!

Little known until now, Benedict likes cats. Before he became pope, he looked after stray cats in his old neighborhood near the Vatican. I don't know if that's a polite way of saying he used to torture them like a 7 year old boy, but that just sounds a little weird. I hear he also was fond of teenage runaways...it sure would make the torture angle seem more plausible. It is said Chico is inspired by a real orange tabby cat in Pentling where Ratzinger lived before moving to Rome in 1981. I knew you couldn't make something like an orange tabby up! Maybe a calico point, but not a tabby.

Unfortunately, the book is only being released in Italy, but let's hope it makes it's way over here soon. It sounds like literary gold.