Across The Newswire

Cerberus to pay $7.4B for Chrysler stake
Daimler-Benz just sloughed off a nagging little seven billion dollar stake in their failing Chrysler division. The move, seen as a shrewd exit from the 1998 deal that acquired the third largest US car manufacturer, gives up 80% of the interest in the sagging company. Although the transaction will not effect owners or warranties, it signals an incredible power play by the gate guardian of hell to enter the automotive realm. How a beast like that got so much money is not known at this time.

States ask MySpace for details on sex offenders
Attorney Generals for eight states are trying to compel MySpace to hand over to authorities the names and addresses of thousands of convicted sex offenders they say are using the social networking Web site to contact children. "Mixing sex offenders with children on MySpace is a recipe for tragedy," one AG said in a statement. "MySpace is more than a place for friends to meet. It's a playground for predators."

Sadly, like most technological advances, the adults were not entirely aware of how it worked. MySpace keeps no record of addresses nor has a requirement for users to given their real names upon sign up. Undaunted by the setback, the consortium vowed to go after rock n’ roll, with the intent of purging the devil’s influence from it’s pounding beats and suggestive rhythms.

Cheney satisfied with Mideast trip
Returning from a weeklong tour of the Middle East, the vice-president was generally happy with the results. The trip, which included stops in Iraq, Saudi Arabia, the United Arab Emirates, Egypt and Jordan provided Cheney plenty of opportunity to create chaos, spread the machinery of war, and profit for himself. “There's not a lot of time to be wasted here, and it's important to move aggressively on the business of the day,” he was heard to say during his travels, and it was unclear if he was preferring to his misuse of governmental power or some of his more personal pleasures, like drinking the blood of schoolchildren or torturing the elderly for sexual gratification.