CNNema

When I’m doing my evening routine at the gym, I punish my body, but with the handful of satellite TVs, I punish my mind. Other than the loop of SportsCenter on one monitor and whatever crap dramedy CBS is running, CNN is usually playing. I have to drown out the totally discouraging and distracting music they pump through the speakers with my own tasty blend of jams, but unless there’s a she-devil’s cute little ass bouncing around in front of me, I’ve got nowhere to look but up. Since there’s usually 30 seconds of hockey info per hour in ESPN, I tend to catch my headlines and political discourse – if and when they choose to serve it up.

Sadly, there’s not enough news to keep a 24 hour news network afloat. Well, if you pulled stories from around the world, or focused even the slightest bit and looked deeper at the day’s events you might, but nobody wants that. The great Reverend Perry Farrell nailed it when he said the news is just another show with sex and violence, so what do think a 24 hour long show is going to cover?

So, the timing happened to be right that instead of reminding us that we’re in an unpopular war that has no clear victory or exit, drag out the slow burn of blame in the Attorney General’s office, or talk to every lunatic who thinks they have presidential muster, CNN was showing Larry King’s on-air back rub. I never figured King to be Murrow, but his interview skill is so weak that, well, I haven’t seen such lobs since the neighborhood retarded kids went to the park to play softball.

Tonight though, I experienced a new level of shocking schlock. Rather than cooing over whatever celebutant he has doing a promotion or trying to make like Montel chatting up the sister of some victimizing event, King was pushing the journalistic envelope covering…the on-air bickering between Rosie O’Donell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck from The View. I wish I was kidding. His panel of talking heads, er, experts was, from the internet tabloid site TMZ.com, managing editor Harvey Levin, and the perky yet almost aged to her expiration date Dana Devon, she of Extra fame. And for at least 15 minutes they talked about a shitty program that is nothing but a bunch of slags sitting around a table adding their pointless opinions on banal minutia. It made as much sense as an in-depth report on morality and the meaning of life as portrayed by One Live To Live.

Daytime television is a wasteland of unwatchable filler. It’s not as cool as you thought it was when you were in 9th grade and home sick from school. Amidst the F-Troop reruns and infomercials, the networks rot the brains of stay-at-home mothers and the unemployed with morning talk shows, which inexplicably make not only cable news channel highlights, but are a headline segment on their prime time show.

Who in their right fucking mind cares?

If the pig and the princess don’t like each other, let them have a slap fight behind the studio, but for God’s sake don’t propagate such useless stupidity.

And still, it continues.

The second course was the apparent reconciliation and romance of Joey Buttafuco and Amy Fisher. Yes, the underage girl who shot Joey’s wife in the face in an attempt to clear the way for their ongoing affair. Fifteen years later this Sopranos reject and his little chippie hooking up gets a spotlight on it. And to top it off, King trots out the ex-Mrs. Buttafuco to see how she feels about it.

Jesus, that’s not deliberate and heavy handed. And what kind of starved-for-attention media whore is she to bother coming on to relay what would only, obviously be resentment, scorn, and disgust at the situation?

I didn’t read the captioning, but it my fantasy it would have gone something like this:

KING: It’s the top of the hour, on Larry King Live, and with us in studio is Mary Jo Connery, ex-wife of Joey Buttafuco, who years ago was the innocent victim of a love triangle involving the then underage Amy Fisher. Thank you for joining me…

CONNERY: Uh, thanks Larry.

KING: You were shot in the face, lost hearing in one ear, and were partially paralyzed as a result of the attack. How does that make you feel.

CONNERY: Well, it’s been difficult but I’ve done my best to cope and move on with my life.

KING: Weeks ago, your ex-husband Joey had a very public outing with Amy Fisher, your assailant, and the rumors are now swirling they may be a couple. What’s your take on this?

CONNERY: Well, er, I wasn’t aware of this…

KING: And there’s talk they may be thinking about marriage.

CONNERY: Uh…I don’t really, um…why are you telling me this?

KING: Well, isn’t it something that after all these years Joey and Amy could be getting back together?

CONNERY: Ah, I thought you had me come in to discuss my physical rehabilitation and the work I’m involved with with my church to help disabled and paralyzed people--

KING: But now they’re in public together. Your ex-husband and the woman who shot you…

CONNERY: Look Larry, I don’t care he does, or what she does…I’m trying to move on with my life and people like you don’t let anyone forget the horrible things that happened to them--

KING: Yes, these horrible things…and now they may--

CONNERY: Listen, you demented scumbag, it’s parasites like you who prey on people and only care about spreading misery to get your ratings up. Frankly you’re no better than them because you have zero decency and no shame about what you’re doing.

KING: But--

CONNERY: This interview is over, you sick, sad old man.
(undoes her clip mike and leaves the studio)


I tell you, I could possibly watch Larry King get schooled once a week.