5/5

Tomorrow is May 5th, known as Cinco de Mayo to victorious Mexicans and shameful French, or to everyone else as the other holiday* to get totally shithouse wasted. The fiesta is like spring break for adults…plans are made, destinations are secured, excessive amounts of drink are consumed while partying, and perhaps a hook up or two will occur before vomiting and blacking out. Now, not every Cinco de Mayo reveler is looking for herpes and a shot of tequila, but I promise that’s what lot’s of them will find.

Like the airport on December 24th, I will be avoiding all high traffic areas that cater to drunks and idiots looking for an excuse to get their party on. I will not be at the nearest cantina drinking watery margaritas, elbow to elbow with a walking A+F catalog of a frat boy or actresses who work to support their waitressing career. I will not be found on the smoking patio because there was no space at the bar nor will I be waiting out front for an hour and a half just for a table. My posse will not be hanging, my boys will not be out, and my crew will not be assembled for whatever. I am not participating in Cinco de Mayo.

Please don’t consider me a prude. I’ve done my share of drugs and alcohol (sorry, mom), and debauchery is like the cup of milk to my chocolate cake mayhem. Some strawberry margaritas with the twenty-somethings and thirty nothings is old hat. Ever wonder why Guns N’ Roses hasn’t put out Chinese Democracy? Yeah, that’s how hard I do it. And when I like to party, I like to have a reason, not an excuse like our fine brothers and sisters tomorrow. Ro-Ro got out of jail? Time to party. The body parts were never recovered or positively identified? Time to party. A holiday with the same relativity of Canada’s flag day to us? No, no Cinco de Mayo partying this time.

Look, if people want to booze up and churk, I don’t mind. But holding a day or two up as some holy grail for over-reaching knobs who are looking for justification to be out of control is juvenile and boring. It’s like an asshole holiday, and participation is not worth the cost of admission. I always resembled the comment “I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member” and this is no exception.

Last week, I had the misfortune of being in a bar on the Sunset Strip, a mistake that I won’t repeat anytime soon. It was a Tuesday of little consequence, yet I the place was solidly full for being the 6 ‘o clock hour. I am absolutely certain that places like that and the people in there were the inspiration for Tool’s “Ænima”. I fully expect to be in the deep end of the lake of fire if I gambled incorrectly on the prospect of an afterlife, but if there’s a vengeful devil, he will trap my eternal soul at Cabo Cantina. Bars on the Strip are pretty much the worst of the worst, mainly because of their lame-ass clientele, and the thought of that place on Cinco de Mayo steroids makes me support the CIA water sterility program.

I can not encourage you to go out and ape the retarded Entourage club and bar lifestyle, but if you find that you are somehow trapped with not hope of escape, let me suggest you play this drinking game. The lucky ones will succumb to alcohol poisoning in about an hour and wake up far away from the nightmare of Cinco de Mayo in a comfy hospital bed. Those immune to such brutality and require horse tranquilizers or heavier to force some zzz’s, you’re probably brain damaged anyway, and the effects of being out should have less permanent effect than your most recent electro-convulsive therapy session.

Famous M’s Cinco de Mayo Drinkstravaganza
Rules: Take the prescribed number of drinks as stated. Once a drink trigger is found, it must be pointed out and may not be used again (don’t worry, you will find plenty of the same). The winner is the one who passes out first. The losers are everybody else who you triggers you to drink.

one drink
douchebag (guy with a faux-hawk)
stripper mouth (girl with pink sparkle lip gloss)
the Seacrest (frosted tips or highlights on a guy)
the skunk (two-tone hair on a girl)
dumbass (anyone wearing Greek attire)
the Abercrombie (guy with a polo shirt, collar turned up)
backfat blowback (a girl wearing a shirt too tight for her weight, with rolls around her bra)
the OC (guy wearing a hoodie and shorts)
daddy’s girl (girl showing cleavage wearing a cross)
the Myspace (emo / pansexual haircut on a guy)

two drinks
wobbler (anyone visibly drunk and stumbling)
sexy time (guy with a shirt with more than the top two buttons open on his shirt)
buttermug (girl with a great body but a wrecked face)
shrimptastic (guy talking to a girl who is taller than him)
babyhead (girl with a very small head for the proportion of her body)
hey buddy (super designer clad Persian guy)
tramp-stamp free (girl without a tattoo at small of back)
spaz (person dancing badly)
stanky (anyone huffing a cigar)
soltyz (girl showing visible panties)

three drinks
corner creep (guy trapping a girl in a corner having a “conversation”)
textpert (anyone writing a text message)
party foul (you witness somebody knock a drink over)
I’m full (anyone who with a spilt drink mark on their clothes)
token (minority hanging out with a group of four or more white people)

four drinks
peepers (anybody staring at you while they’re clearly talking to the person next to them)
I’m empty (anyone vomiting)
867-5309 (anyone giving up the digits to someone)
relic (guy or girl clearly out of place due to their age relative to the location)
lovers (a couple making out)


*the first being St. Patrick’s Day, although a good alcoholic will tell you that Labor Day, Memorial Day, the 4th Of July, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years Day are perfectly acceptable. Some will even count Columbus Day, Groundhog’s Day, and even a Jewish holiday or two.