There are many ways to rock, and many reasons to do so, but if you have an ounce of testosterone in you, think twice before you go flying these band’s colors.
Incubus
What do you get when you have a couple of rich kids from Calabasas who want to start a band? Originally, they were an eclectic mix of metal, funk, and alternative rock, and their debut album S.C.I.E.N.C.E. was all over the map. Soon after, they discovered the mighty rock ballad and began to water down their rock roots until they became so non-offensive it was offensive. When you look at them you think you’re going to get something edgy – one guy’s got dreadlocks, another a kinky ‘fro, yet another with tattoos, but they’re about as ferocious as a kitten. They are probably the heaviest band of this bunch (they actually have distortion on their guitars), but that’s like saying you’re the most butch sissy.
Typical Female Fan: college students, girls who live in beach communities, soccer moms trying to look young and hip to teens
Typical Male Fan: IT professionals, computer programmers (non-video game / CGI),
Musical Opposite: Mr. Bungle – all the genre-hopping of Incubus’ first (and only decent) album in each song
Train
These knobs have adult-oriented soft rock cornered. It’s hard to describe the level of suck in their music, but if it could be summarized as a cliché visual, it would be a girl in a summer dress walking away from a guy in jeans and a dress shirt with longish hair and three days stubble. Which is funny because that’s what most of their videos and songs are about. And that’s how they look. If you asked if there was a way to make a band out of a bunch of pussies, that would be Train. They are the soundtrack to montages of sporting events or those year-in-review segments, and that kind of disposable music was not meant to be listened to for pleasure.
Typical Female Fan: secretaries, women who watch Grey’s Anatomy, your sister
Typical Male Fan: homo-suspicious men, Banana Republic employees, guys dating secretaries or your sister
Musical Opposite: Queens Of The Stone Age – dirty, desert rock that wants to sleep with your girl, get into a fistfight, and drink a few rounds of whisky
The Killers
Romantic rock and rollers always get the ladies twisted up in the panties, and the lovelorn sincerity The Killers front man Brandon Flowers emotes is pretty weak, but still finds an audience. Looking like a Mormon Colonel Sanders these days, he leads what appears like a cult splinter group but sounds like the in-house band at a dance club for the underage set. Rock is supposed to have energy, but not pep, and 98% of their tunes have a sickly uplifting groove to them. Sure, the kids these days like a little melancholy, but that new romanticism is full of simple bouncy melodies. How can you dance with a frown?
Typical Female Fan: MySpacers, art school students whose work is neither challenging nor daring, Jetta / Passat / VW Bug drivers
Typical Male Fan: radio DJs, semi-nerdy guys, emo refugees
Musical Opposite: The Smiths – the old romantics, who had riff after riff of memorable songs and true bittersweetness.
Coldplay
The reigning champ of chick-favored bands. Their music is almost perfectly crafted pop rock, with just enough swagger to keep it from sounding like it belongs in a Disney flick. Risky? No. Troubled? No. Balls? Zero. Coldplay is the Hollywood version of what plays in the background when emotional or romantic things happen. If there was a mathematical formula it would by U2 (minus the soulful politicism) x The Shins saccharine tone + The Wallflowers rock without intensity = Coldplay. There is something just inherently emasculating about the music, and if you don’t believe me, fellas, pull up to a traffic light and sing along with “Speed Of Sound”. Both guys and girls will laugh their asses off at you. Even Lloyd Dobbler used Peter Gabriel to show his soft side without looking like a complete milquetoast tit.
Typical Female Fan: any woman capable of ovulating under 40, your girlfriend
Typical Male Fan: guys who feel Muse is too heavy, Zach Braff, Europeans
Musical Opposite: Radiohead – they go way out on a limb but still manage to be (mostly) accessible with some beautifully crafted music
Counting Crows
The proto-Coldplay. They stood out more in their time because in an era of alternative rock, ska, swing, and nu-metal, they were the go-to music for showing a gal you had a heart. I will admit that seeing them at the Red Dog Saloon in Santa Barbara (close enough to touch the band) was one of those lucky get-ahead of the bandwagon shows up there with Rage Against the Machine at Lollapalooza and A Perfect Circle at the Troubadour, but they eventually became purely dysfunctional relationship music and sonic whining. For a guy who slept with Jennifer Aniston, Courtney Cox, Mary Stewart Masterson, and tons of others, singer Adam Duritz was not only miserable, but also completely inept at having any semblance of a relationship. Other than mopey songs about heartbreak and girls who wear nightgowns, their legacy was to open the door to all the Third Eye Blinds and Dog’s Eye Views chasing their success.
Typical Female Fan: white women between 24 and 34, chicks who sleep in nightgowns, girls who find Coldplay not tormented enough
Typical Male Fan: environmentally conscious guys, men between 24 – 34 who have ponytails
Musical Opposite: Jeff Buckley – heartfelt without being whiney, singing with the voice of God
Incubus
What do you get when you have a couple of rich kids from Calabasas who want to start a band? Originally, they were an eclectic mix of metal, funk, and alternative rock, and their debut album S.C.I.E.N.C.E. was all over the map. Soon after, they discovered the mighty rock ballad and began to water down their rock roots until they became so non-offensive it was offensive. When you look at them you think you’re going to get something edgy – one guy’s got dreadlocks, another a kinky ‘fro, yet another with tattoos, but they’re about as ferocious as a kitten. They are probably the heaviest band of this bunch (they actually have distortion on their guitars), but that’s like saying you’re the most butch sissy.
Typical Female Fan: college students, girls who live in beach communities, soccer moms trying to look young and hip to teens
Typical Male Fan: IT professionals, computer programmers (non-video game / CGI),
Musical Opposite: Mr. Bungle – all the genre-hopping of Incubus’ first (and only decent) album in each song
Train
These knobs have adult-oriented soft rock cornered. It’s hard to describe the level of suck in their music, but if it could be summarized as a cliché visual, it would be a girl in a summer dress walking away from a guy in jeans and a dress shirt with longish hair and three days stubble. Which is funny because that’s what most of their videos and songs are about. And that’s how they look. If you asked if there was a way to make a band out of a bunch of pussies, that would be Train. They are the soundtrack to montages of sporting events or those year-in-review segments, and that kind of disposable music was not meant to be listened to for pleasure.
Typical Female Fan: secretaries, women who watch Grey’s Anatomy, your sister
Typical Male Fan: homo-suspicious men, Banana Republic employees, guys dating secretaries or your sister
Musical Opposite: Queens Of The Stone Age – dirty, desert rock that wants to sleep with your girl, get into a fistfight, and drink a few rounds of whisky
The Killers
Romantic rock and rollers always get the ladies twisted up in the panties, and the lovelorn sincerity The Killers front man Brandon Flowers emotes is pretty weak, but still finds an audience. Looking like a Mormon Colonel Sanders these days, he leads what appears like a cult splinter group but sounds like the in-house band at a dance club for the underage set. Rock is supposed to have energy, but not pep, and 98% of their tunes have a sickly uplifting groove to them. Sure, the kids these days like a little melancholy, but that new romanticism is full of simple bouncy melodies. How can you dance with a frown?
Typical Female Fan: MySpacers, art school students whose work is neither challenging nor daring, Jetta / Passat / VW Bug drivers
Typical Male Fan: radio DJs, semi-nerdy guys, emo refugees
Musical Opposite: The Smiths – the old romantics, who had riff after riff of memorable songs and true bittersweetness.
Coldplay
The reigning champ of chick-favored bands. Their music is almost perfectly crafted pop rock, with just enough swagger to keep it from sounding like it belongs in a Disney flick. Risky? No. Troubled? No. Balls? Zero. Coldplay is the Hollywood version of what plays in the background when emotional or romantic things happen. If there was a mathematical formula it would by U2 (minus the soulful politicism) x The Shins saccharine tone + The Wallflowers rock without intensity = Coldplay. There is something just inherently emasculating about the music, and if you don’t believe me, fellas, pull up to a traffic light and sing along with “Speed Of Sound”. Both guys and girls will laugh their asses off at you. Even Lloyd Dobbler used Peter Gabriel to show his soft side without looking like a complete milquetoast tit.
Typical Female Fan: any woman capable of ovulating under 40, your girlfriend
Typical Male Fan: guys who feel Muse is too heavy, Zach Braff, Europeans
Musical Opposite: Radiohead – they go way out on a limb but still manage to be (mostly) accessible with some beautifully crafted music
Counting Crows
The proto-Coldplay. They stood out more in their time because in an era of alternative rock, ska, swing, and nu-metal, they were the go-to music for showing a gal you had a heart. I will admit that seeing them at the Red Dog Saloon in Santa Barbara (close enough to touch the band) was one of those lucky get-ahead of the bandwagon shows up there with Rage Against the Machine at Lollapalooza and A Perfect Circle at the Troubadour, but they eventually became purely dysfunctional relationship music and sonic whining. For a guy who slept with Jennifer Aniston, Courtney Cox, Mary Stewart Masterson, and tons of others, singer Adam Duritz was not only miserable, but also completely inept at having any semblance of a relationship. Other than mopey songs about heartbreak and girls who wear nightgowns, their legacy was to open the door to all the Third Eye Blinds and Dog’s Eye Views chasing their success.
Typical Female Fan: white women between 24 and 34, chicks who sleep in nightgowns, girls who find Coldplay not tormented enough
Typical Male Fan: environmentally conscious guys, men between 24 – 34 who have ponytails
Musical Opposite: Jeff Buckley – heartfelt without being whiney, singing with the voice of God
2 comments:
Damn! I was so praying you'd include Nickeldouche.
Ah Coldplay-- one of my guilty pleasures. They played "Clocks" at one of our corporate ra-ra sessions, and I got so pumped. Smooth lives.
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