This Is 40?

Hello, my sweet...yes it has been a while since we've seen each other.

Sadly, I feel it may be a while until we see each other again, and I suspect it will happen when I least expect or plan it.  The fact is there's too much to do, too many things to draw my focus, and not enough time to spend frivolously on observational humor, web links, and found photos.

Don't get me wrong, I've enjoyed every minute of it, and it has been as much an identity and ideology as any truly dedicated endeavor, but there are times that you recognize where a cycle starts and ends, and for now, this is a good point to make that mark.

It was difficult to allow this to fade away and phase out, the process becoming outwardly evident over the last year and a half with the inconsistent postings, but for me, it was harder because this fit perfectly into the spot reserved for self indulgence and exacerbated by a(n) (un)healthy obsessive / compulsive streak.  Once, it was imperative to make those multiple posts - up to 10 a day, in order to satisfy that urge, and even when that was broken and a more reasonable three were made, it was something that took some adjustment to be capable of.

So today I'm marking my 40th birthday, and like so many symbolic gestures, it occurred to me that it was timely, or at least time, to acknowledge the true pleasure and love I've had curating IOvUF, and for any and every single person who took the time to read a post.  And before we bookend this with a look back to the origin, I'll liberate, er, appropriate this perfectly poignant and spot-on speech by the late-and-always-great Dave "Oderus Urungus" Brockie for some context:

Nothing has changed...nothing has changed here.  We're still the wonderful, down-to-Earth, kinda motherfucking homosexual, butt-raping, dogfucking, kinda motherfuckers you love.  And let me tell you one thing...if any of you guys, or any of you girls, wanna come backstage after the show - get sucked, fucked, smoke some crack - it's okay by me.

Now, without any further ado, take it away guys...

Tuesday, April 17, 2007: Revisiting The Big Bang

Really, it was more like the Big Whimper, but nonetheless my sense of wasting time triumphed over productivity and I shat out Living To Die. The concept was based on a combination of things The Good Doctor and I humored ourselves with, starting with the poignant final words of Roy Batty -- “time to die”. And much like the realization that all our moments and memories will eventually be lost like tears in the rain, so was the reaction and cynical afterbirth of the LTD philosophy – necessary and immutably true.

The mantra was a follows:

First you are born. Then you have a pretty good time for about 25 years. Then it is time for you to fucking die. I didn't make the rules. But I will enforce them.

In a sickly, sensible way it worked. The futility of jobs. The failure of relationships. The sacrifice of watching your dreams die. Nobody said that it was going to be easy, but no one said that it was going to be this hard, and at least we had the forethought to remember to smile stupidly while we were taking the beating. Yes, it sounds morbidly pessimistic, but it’s not.

Meanwhile, back in the oft-forgotten MAGNAband forums, I was hacking and slashing away at the same stupid brutality that life provides as both sport and amusement daily. In the hope of stunning people into thinking with radically sensible ideas I ingratiated myself with Schadenfreude. Sadly, some twat on Blogger has already claimed that perch on the web, and she actually thinks that her own pathetic, dull misfortune is going to provide us glee. News flash, sweetie – there is zero interest in your blandness. I’ve been in traffic that was more interesting that the pointlessness of your existence, and the fact you lucked into camping on one of the most kick ass site names is tragic. Let us all hope nothing but the worst for she who volunteered to be the schadenfreude touchstone, as it is by default no less than what she deserves for making such an egregious claim. Yet we digress…

In spite of a set of misanthropic tendencies, egotistical embellishment, keen awareness of stupidity and a lack of regard for restraint or correctness as a result, I have made the next evolutionary step philosophically. For a long time I fixated on the concept of an immovable object and an unstoppable force, and their inherent opposition to each other, which fit perfectly with my quasi-dualistic reasoning (which like the Soul Coughing song of the same name postulates “Is Chicago, Is Not Chicago” – and that’s loose meta-logic). The dichotomy is still there – living to die, as is the contrast of two concepts, but IOvUF is the examination of the complete nature of opposition, of being both caught between either side as well as being objectively aware of it.

Granted, all of that is a touch excessive given the overt applications here – satire, mockery, criticism, enlightenment, adoration, and creativity – not some revelatory direction in which to restyle my (your) existence. But we’re all still living to die, so while this may be nothing more than another voice for the vocal, it has changed, and for that I take pause to note -- before -- it is time to die.

Manscaping Will Be A Lot Faster Now

Wesley Warren Jr. had balls!  Or at least he used to have a giant one.

The 49-year-old had a 13 hour procedure to remove the 100 pound testicle that had grown so swollen that he wore a hoodie as a makeshift pair of pants. "I know the majority of people are probably expecting me to express extreme happiness and glee that my life has been transformed since the sac has been removed - but it’s not as simple as that," said Wesley. "I do feel a great sense of comfort that the weight is no longer between my legs. It got to the point that it was a danger to my health. But when I look down at what’s here now it’s not the same as what it was. It’s totally different."

Yeah, no shit...you're missing that repugnant monster scrote!

But no, he disagrees, "My natural look prior to the growth is not what came out of surgery. What came out of surgery is a nub an inch long and it doesn't get any larger. I’m grateful to have been pulled out of the fire, I was getting burned, but now I’m dealing with the first degree burns. I’m still disfigured."

Hmmm, nice metaphor, but i don't understand how a perfectly normal penis becomes a Hedwig sized bit just because the thing below it comes out. Then again, I don't know how you let that thing get to be 20 pounds, let alone 50 or 100. But good on you Wesley...now go buy some real pants.

Like V-J Day, But With A Hard On

Back when Dennis Miller was still funny, he made that awesome joke about what would happen when they finally cured AIDS.  Nearly 25 years after his wry comment, it is getting closer to actually being true.

Doctors are saying a baby born with the virus that causes AIDS appears to have been cured.  The child, who is 2½, has been off medication for about a year, with no signs of infection.  Traces of the virus' genetic material are still present, but if they're confident enough to claim it's a victory over the disease, adding only the second mark ever into the cure column.

The baby was given a faster and stronger treatment than normal, starting with a three-drug infusion less than 30 hours after being born - this was before tests confirmed the infant was infected and not just at risk from the mother (whose HIV wasn't diagnosed until she was in labor).  Dr. Hannah Gay (are you fucking kidding me?), a pediatric HIV specialist at the University of Mississippi, believes the fast action knocked out HIV in the baby's blood before it could hideout in the body. Those reservoirs of dormant cells usually rapidly reinfect anyone who stops medication, and though the child is "functionally cured", it may truly be more accurate to call it long-term remission.  The aggressive treatment will continue on other high-risk babies, with the intent to block this reservoir seeding and replicate this success.

The only other person considered cured of the AIDS virus underwent  a bone marrow transplant from a special donor, one of the rare people who is naturally resistant to HIV. Timothy Ray Brown has not needed HIV medications in the five years since that transplant, but is also a very unique case like this baby.  Perhaps the hyperbole about curing AIDS makes for better headlines and is not quite the reality, but it is progress.  Personally, they should just give people whatever the hell Magic Johnson is taking, because he's the most robust and healthy looking HIV positive person ever.

There's A Rule Or Two That Applies

When President Obama had this recent gun firing photo op,

the interwebs did that thing that they do:

If you ask people not to to photoshop your press releases, well...

Of All the Comic Creators, Why Not Rob Liefeld?

Veteran comic book scribe Peter David, who penned many acclaimed story lines on such books as X-Factor and The Incredible Hulk, has been sidelined by a stroke.

He broke the news on his blog , writing "I cannot see properly and I cannot move my right arm or leg." A later post explained what occurred while the writer was on vacation. "We have a diagnosis, which is a small stroke in the Pons section of his brain," which is the main point for the nerves that control movement and balance within the body. His wife added he has "lost most of the use of his right arm, his right leg is incredibly weak, the vision in his right eye is blurry, and the right side of his face is drooping slightly" Aside from those Marvel comics, he also worked on DC's Young Justice and Aquaman, and numerous Star Trek novels.

Seriously, Rob Liefeld is shitty and would have been a fair trade so that Peter David could continue on un-afflicted. I love his run on the Hulk book, and one of my favorite stories of all time is the off-beat, stand-alone tale in issue 335, where the above picture comes from. Get well soon, Peter...and Liefeld, stop working on comics.

Weekend Edition

Counting down the top 20 links we didn't cover during the week...

20 • Karate Instills Confidence In Special Needs Kids - Yeah, that's what they need.  Not how to dress themselves or how to use the bathroom solo, but martial arts.

19 • Former Astronaut Poindexter Dies In Ski Jet Accident / Teen Dies Playing Russian Roulette - Two literal rocket scientists, foolishly killed.

18 • Steve Nash To The LA Kings - Finally, a reverse hockey / basketball mistake!

17 • Andy Griffith Dies At 86 - Mayberry him in peace.

16 • Couple Tries For Year Of Daily Disneyland Visits - It helps to have one half of your duo unemployed to pull it off.  Don't bother to look for a job...that's really Fantasyland.

15 • Anderson Cooper Claims To Be “Gay” - World claims to be surprised.

14 • Russia Fears New Epidemic Of Synthetic Marijuana / Mexico Recounts Votes From Over Half Of Polling Booths - Aside from the state of Florida, our country has no weird weed or voter fraud.

13 • Man, 30, Sentenced To 65 Years To Life For Raping Developmentally Disabled Girl, 7 - I want to say something about if she'd known karate, but...

12 • Cops Mistaken For Male Strippers At Bachelorette Party - These are the kinds of confusing that happen now thanks to Magic Mike.

11 • The Incredibly True Story Of Before Before Watchmen - Comic book "behind the scenes"?  Yes, please!

10 • Amputee Pistorius Selected For Olympics In 4x400 / Australia Under Fire For Sleeping Pill Ban - Let's see what has a bigger impact once the games start; the legless runner, or that athletes can't take get a little help to get some rest.

09 • Singer Frank Ocean Reveals First Love Was A Man - Suddenly, a lot of people really took to heart those R&B lyrics.

08 • Yasser Arafat's Body To Be Exhumed - They say it's to check if polonium poison had to do with the illness leading to his death, but I'm hoping it's to piss on his corpse.

07 • Romney's Wife Says Woman Being Eyed For Ticket - That worked so well the last time for the GOP.  This is nothing but a stunt for publicity.

06 • William Lynch Found Not Guilty in Beating Of Priest He Said Sexually Abused Him - Amen to true justice.

05 • McSweeney’s FAQ: The “Snake Fight” Portion Of Your Thesis Defense - Now I'm glad I didn't go to grad school.  I'm like Indiana Jones with serpents.

04 • Lineswoman Hit In The Face By 118 mph Serve - For a few seconds, tennis got interesting. 

03 • Mammoth Lakes, Famous California Ski Town, Files For Bankruptcy - Good thing I didn't get that season pass.  Talk about hard to get a refund...

02 • Eastbound & Down Renewed For A Fourth Season - It had a perfect ending in the series finale, but a bonus season is fine by me. 

01 • Proof Of 'God Particle' Found - The material at the source of creation and the universe?  Could be the top story on the list...

Weekend Edition

Counting down the top 20 links we didn't cover during the week...

20 • Nuclear Slapshots Could Propel A Spacecraft To Mars In Just Weeks - Unless Space Jonathan Quick is in the net outside the red planet. 

19 • Michael Sokolski, Creator Of Scantron, Dies At 85 / Ginsu Knife Pitch Co-Creator, Barry Becher, Dies - Insert stale joke regarding their accomplishments here. 

18 • Five Suspected Of Stealing 9.5 Tons Of Garlic - Either it's going to be one big bowl of pasta sauce, or they were about to go jihad on Transylvania.  

17 • Profile Of A Fart Fetish Video Producer / Man Pulls Gun On Neighbor Over Fart - All the news that's fart to print...    

16 • Condo Fire Leads Deputies To 2K Pound Marijuana Discovery - Clearly this was a vacation home given the amount of weed there. 

15 • Winamp’s Woes: How The Greatest MP3 Player Undid Itself - I still love that program...how sad that it's not the industry standard. 

14 • Rogue Dolphin, Alone After Katrina, Menaces Lake Area / Michael Jackson's Tiger Dies Of Lung Cancer / Dolphins May Get Alzheimer's / Baby Chimpanzee Killed By Adult Chimp At Zoo -  Because I was told that I was not including enough access to giant cats with carton a day smoking habits, or angry mammals who'll attack you - and then possibly forget they did.

13 • Nine Actors Who Do the Exact Same Thing On Every Movie Poster - Sometimes you get cast in the same roles...or posters.

12 • The Salvation Army And Goodwill: Inside The Places Your Clothes Go When You Donate Them - Get ready for the underworld of used apparel, where everything is free...for a price! 

11 • This Is The Oldest Vinyl Album In the History Of The World - Electroclash?  Really?  Nah, but petty cool that they were basically able to clone it.

10 • The Kings' Missing Championship Puck: Is It The Work Of The Devils? / Turns Out Patrik Elias Totally Did Have The LA Kings’ Stanley Cup Winning Game Puck / Patrik Elias Had LA Kings Stanley Cup Puck, But Has No Idea What He Did With It - Well, you've got the story in the headlines, but you can read about it too...

09 • The Daily Show Took CNN & Fox News To The Woodshed Last Night / "Mandate Struck Down": Dewey Defeats Truman Moment For CNN, Fox News - I'm glad that I live in a time where Comedy Central is better at reporting the news than "news" networks.

08 • Everything You Need To Know About The TomKat Divorce - They're getting divorced...I think that's everything.

07 • Research Team Unveils Spray-On Battery - If everything can be a battery, what will be left that needs a charge?

06 • Kim Kardashian Sued for Making a Sex Tape With Charlie Sheen And A Unicorn / Kim Kardashian's Sisters Writing a Young Adult Science Fiction Novel - What do you find more unbelievable: that her Ass-Kinder actually know how to write, or that Der Schwein Panzer is making porn with mythical creatures?  

05 • Evading Ticketmaster, Louis C.K. Sells Tour Himself - Awesome, free thinking comedians 1, The Man 0.

04 • Virginia Woman Sues Over Alleged Sexual Abuse During Exorcism - Here's the deal: if you're foolish enough to believe that you're possessed by the Devil and need an exorcism, you deserve to be sexually abused.

03 • Kim Dotcom Raid Was Illegal, New Zealand Judge Rules - Oh, did we illegally search and seize millions in property and possessions?  Uh, sorry?

02 • Making Saltwater Drinkable Is Graphene's Latest Miracle - If it can make fish and loaves of bread, then graphene is a molecular Jesus.

01 • Anti-Semitic Elmo Is Named Adam Sandler And Ran A Rape Website - How does this not become the top headline?

Weekend Edition

Counting down the top 20 links we didn't cover during the week...

20 • Radiohead Drum Technician Killed In Stage Collapse - Say what you will about their music, but their stage show is really avant-garde.

19 • Microsoft Surface Is Hiding A Pressure-Sensitive Keyboard, Multitouch Trackpad And Kickstand - To be an iPad killer, you have to think different.

18 • Who Is Rodney King? Who Is Dick Clark? The Titanic Was Real? How Death, Major News Events Expose Twitter’s Generation Gap - Translation: stupid, uninformed kids know nothing of their history or culture.  140 characters is not a Twitter limit, but their mental processing cap.

17 • 13 Tech Sounds You Don’t Hear Anymore - Don't tell those Twitter kids, because they won't recognize these. 

16 • Feds Bust Russian Prostitution Ring In L.A. - It would have been higher if the story was they  helped open one.

15 • Jack Osbourne Says He Has Multiple Sclerosis - Karma couldn't tell the different between one television reality family and another?  Look out Kardashians...

14 •  It Takes A Hell Of A Lot More Water Than You Think To Make Jeans, Burgers, Pizza And Other Stuff - And surprisingly, the main ingredient in all those is not water.

13 • Roger Clemens Acquitted On All Charges - Justice really struck out at the plate this time.

12 • LA Kings Stanley Cup 2012 Celebration / Construction Of A Championship Team - Besides enjoying the awesome victory from last week from almost inside the celebration, the LA Kings Insider shows how the team that won the Stanley Cup came together.

11 • Infinite Schwarzenegger Gear Up Scene - When killing thousands, it takes a while to get ready...

10 • Sex Toy Fools Entire Chinese Village / Super Terrific Japanese Thing: Vagina Panties - Both of these are horrible...Asia should be ashamed.

09 • Headless Corpses Found In Paris Picnic Spot - Ahh, still a city of charm and romance!

08 • Students Left In ‘Mass Hypnosis’ After Demonstration Goes Awry - They made the mistake of not having them pay for next semester's tuition first before putting them in a trance.

07 • Lancaster Boy, 7, Found Hanging By Karate Belt In Backyard - Clearly, he did not pass his test and earn his belt.

06 • Gene Simmons Themed VW Bug For Sale On Craigslist - You may never want to drive it, but there's nothing wrong with looking at it.

05 • Man Goes On $1.5 Million Gambling Spree, After ATM Glitch Allows Him Unlimited Withdrawals - It should have been corrected to say $1.5 million losing spree.

04 • Displays Might One Day Be Made of Just Air And Water - Does that mean View Sonic may one day be bought by Evian?

03 • Baby Soaps And Shampoos Trigger Positive Marijuana Tests - That's what happens when you use Cheech & Chong rather than Johnson & Johnson.

02 • The 40 Worst Rob Liefeld Drawings / 40 More Of The Worst Rob Liefeld Drawings - If you're not convinced he's the worst artist of a generation after 80 drawings, you're either blind or Rob Liefeld.

01 • Burritobot: A 3-D Printer That Spits Out Burritos - Food and technology, together...perfectly.

High Times In Los Angeles

If you look up in my town, you'll find some odd things.

Last night, a man climbed to the top of a radio tower. Naked.  The 45-year-old Arizona resident removed his clothing after he began scaling the tower about 4pm.  It was unclear why he went atop his perch, but he was hungry.  He asked police for hamburgers from McDonald's and he agreed to come down after eating his meal.

And today, a suspected car thief spent five hours on the rooftops of Westwood. The pursuit began shortly before 8 a.m. when the LAPD attempted to pull over the suspect after his license plates flagged as belonging to a stolen car.  He fled and went hopping from roof to roof, at times, looking as though he would come down, and then suddenly move away. But he found a way to get down, shouting, "If I could get to my gun, I would kill all of you", and taking at least two bean bag rounds the SWAT team fired at him.

I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring, but looking skyward should prove entertaining...

Because Megyn Kelly Is A Complete Moron

Computer Crystal Balls

By feeding a supercomputer with news stories, it was able to help predict major world events. Great...AI with ESP.

The study used millions of articles that were fed into the SGI Altix supercomputer (known as Nautilus) at the University of Tennessee. With 1024 Intel Nehalem cores, the machine recorded processing power of 8.2 teraflops (a trillion floating point operations per second).

Information was taken from a range of sources, including the US Open Source Centre and BBC Monitoring (both monitor local media output around the world), as well as news outlets that published online versions and archives. With more than 100 million articles, they were analysed for two main types of information: mood – whether the article represented good news or bad news, and location – where events were happening and the location of other participants in the story.

Mood detection searched for words such as "terrible", "horrific" or "nice", while locational geocoding took mentions of specific places and converted them in to coordinates that could be plotted on a map. By analysing story elements, an interconnected web of almost 100 trillion relationships was formed.

Based on specific search queries, Nautilus then generated graph. For the different countries which experienced the "Arab Spring" revolts, in each case the aggregated results showed a notable dip in sentiment ahead of time – both inside the country, and as reported from outside. Aside from results charting ahead of the recent revolutions in Libya and Egypt, the system also picked up early clues about Osama Bin Laden’s location.

In the best case scenario for the future, your computer will order your pizza before you even know you want it. In the worst, well...use your imagination.

Mad Murdoch (And A Dead Hoare)

Sean Hoare, the first journalist to publicly allege that former News of the World editor (and government spokesman) Andy Coulson knew about voicemail hacking at the newspaper was found dead yesterday at his home.

The Guardian reported "The death is currently being treated as unexplained, but not thought to be suspicious. Police investigations into this incident are ongoing." Draw your own conclusions (especially after there was an unexplained delay in the arrival of forensics officers at the scene)...

Loius CKarmaggeddon Weekend

With the carpocalypse upon us in Los Angeles, I don't intend to do much, but if we survive the hype and hysteria, Scarlett and I will see Louis CK Sunday night.

UPDATE: He was awesome! It was about 90 minutes of new material that he was testing out, and even the times he abandoned some jokes, they parts leading up were still funny. He's on Letterman next week, and some of it may end up there.

Best of the week: I can't stand the diva antics of Jennifer Lopez and am repulsed by the skeletal husk of Marc Anthony, so the schadenfreude of them ending their seven year marriage is slightly tempered by the knowledge they're going to be back on the market again. Look out public!

Though proving that a pig and a chihuahua could mate, they can now add another failed marriage to the three they shared before. Anthony was mysteriously married to former Miss Universe Dayanara Torres, and Lopez bore the ring for Ojani Noa and Chris Judd, and inexplicably dated both Sean "fill in the blank" Combs and Ben Affleck.

Can we blame it on their kid crapping in the pool? Who knows, but they're both disgusting people, so hopefully this divorce will be a long, painful event that keeps them both out of the public spotlight for months or years to come.

Best bonus links:

• What Your Favorite 80's Band Says About You - Nothing good about you as a person, but still funny.

• Jeter Homers For 3,000th Hit, First Yank To Do It - Finally, something for the record books for the Yankees!

• CBS Takes Heat For Fake Fireworks Shots - Something did seem a little fishing about those indoor fireworks...

• I Think He Handled That Well - Sarcasm! Kurt Suter and his vitriol take aim at the Emmys.

• CIA Used A Fake Vaccination Campaign In Hunt For Bin Laden - the first plan was a fake magazine driver, but people would figure something was going on after they didn't get their copies of Reader's Digest.

• Iron Maiden MIDI Music Songs Homepage - Number Of The Beast? Powerslave? Piece Of Mind? All MIDI!!!

• Recreating The Dock Ellis Tripping Balls No-Hitter On XBox On LSD - Now this is drug use in baseball I can get behind!

• Supercut: Cinema's Dirtiest Dirty Talk - At least this time when you watch, you're not covering an awkward erection in the theater.

• Deconstructing The Color Wheel - Learn the shocking origin of the color pink!

• The Battle Of Backyard - A toy story without the annoying voice of Tim Allen.

• 14 Interesting Stories Behind Professional Athlete Numbers - For the stats and figures sports crowd.

• Get Steve Buscemi’s Face All Over Yo Bodaaay - Literally, but not literally.

• Pakistan Army Says New York Times Report Is A Direct Attack - How weak are they if a newspaper is a threat.

• Under The Sea: Life On A Lost Shipping Container - That sunken bin makes a great artificial reef.

• Woman Accused Of Cutting Off Husband's Penis Said He "Deserved" It - Well, I would be concerned if she cut it off and he didn't deserve it...though not lifting the toilet seat is a bit extreme.

• Bear-Safety Lecture In Yellowstone Interrupted By Bear - Seriously, Yogi...fuck off!

• TNT Says It's Canceled Ray Romano's Award-Winning Series Men Of A Certain Age After Two Seasons - The male-Sex-And-City-without-the-sex-or-the-city got some awards?.

Worst of the week: Ahmed Wali Karzai, the Afghan president's half brother, and considered the most powerful man in southern Afghanistan, is now one of the most dead.

Karzai was killed will receiving guests at his home in Kandahar, and the assassin, Sardar Mohammad, was considered a close, "trustworthy" person who had gone to Karzai's house to get him to sign some papers. Yeah, like his death certificate. As he was signing the papers, the killer took out a pistol and shot him once in the forehead and one in the chest.

The Taliban claimed responsibility for the assassination, though Karzai had survived several previous assassination attempts. Considered a political liability for the government, and alleged to be on the CIA payroll and involved in drug trafficking, this is a blow to an already unstable government. As the U.S. withdrawal is underway, this power vacuum in the area are not going to help. Bummer.

Worst bonus links:

• Coroner: Mississippi Toddler Was Alive When Put In Oven - But that's what the recipe called for - fresh baby.

• Why Summer Is The Most Dangerous Time To Go To The Hospital - All the hot nurses are on vacation?

• Suspect Allowed To View Child Porn In Washington Jail - You've got to watch those folks with unpaid parking tickets

• Army Amputee Thrown From NY Roller Coaster, Dies - What, did you think it would say, "thrown from roller coaster and sprouted new legs for a perfect landing"?

• Exorcists Meet In Poland, Tackle Vampires - There's a Polish joke in there somewhere.

• More Radioactive Beef Shipped In Japan - Look out for Cowzilla!

• FDA: Pelvic Mesh For Women Riskier Than Thought - You never want to see pelvic mesh and risk in the same sentence.

• Tour De France Car Knocks Down Rider In 9th Stage - Fortunately, they were doping, so they got back up and then knocked the car down.

• Chinese Girls Born In Single Body With 2 Heads / Chinese Doctor Sets Out To 'Cure' Bad Driving - They should try to cure two-headed babies. But technically it didn't violate their one child policy.

• Army Finds Mexico's Biggest Marijuana Plantation - The rest of the story goes on to talk about how they took the plants and became narco-lords. An everyday Mexico rags-to-riches tale.

• 13-Foot Crocodile Captured Alive In Philippines / Philippines Warns Against Geckos As AIDS Treatment / Marriage Going Out Of Fashion In Philippines - I don't know what the hell is going on down there, but they've got the headlines of the week.

• Homeless Man Allegedly Chokes Baby, Punches Grandmother - If there was a mother in there it would be a trifecta.

• Steelers' Hines Ward Arrested On DUI Charge In GA - I would watch a show called Drinking With The Stars.

• Wife Calls Fatal Vegas Casino Punch Self-Defense - You always hit when you get 11.

• Diver Dies After Being Rescued At Laguna Beach - I wouldn't call that a rescue if he died...

Another Summer Weekend

Scarlett has yet another friend's bachelorette soirée this weekend, so I guess that leaves me time to knock out this week's last post. I going to have at least three or four of my own, so it's okay.

Best of the week: Never one to let lack of plot or character development, it's satisfying to see Micheal Bay also get called out on another shortcoming - originality.


Even with more than $150 million in budget, he wasn't able to make Transformers: Dark of the Moon look the way it should? So how do you get those shots that your movies has to have? Recycled them from your other films! Bay has used stock footage in several of his movies (which directors are want to do since there's plenty of aerial shots of cities or traffic), but there's no denying he recycled shots from The Island in the new Transformers. He also used shots of an aircraft carrier from Pearl Harbor in this film, complete with CGI modern fighter jets on deck. I guess his movies need parts of the others to offset how bad they are.


Best bonus links:


• What Do The Chinese Characters On The Computers In Serenity And Firefly Actually Say? - I'm not gonna tell you...follow the link!


• Painted People Pics From The World Bodypainting Festival - Naked people in pretty colors!


• Spanish Anti-Piracy Execs Busted For Ripping Off Artists - When "the man" really is the man.


• 'Sunny' Star Charlie Day Steps Into Limelight - And one day, he'll bring his denim chicken with him.


• Macedonia’s Bloodiest Slam Dunks - In the Greek league, it's to the death!


• His Parents Said, 'Not With A White Girl' - I have no idea what this is about, but with a title like that, have to add the link.


• Patton Oswalt's Rejected Pitches For Batman Comics - Hopefully they rethink it and these will become accepted pitches


• Intoxicated Men Take Dead Alligator Off-Roading - If there's a dead alligator and off-roading involved, you can bet there's been drinking.


• Things Exploding In Slow Motion, Set To Classical Music - There's a certain elegance to blowing things up with a classical soundtrack.


• Human Skeletal Remains Found Behind Lancaster Business - Which would have been okay if it was Tom's Body Drop Shop.


• Why Mike Commodore Must Wear No. 64 With The Red Wings - Even if you're not a Detroit fan, that's awesome.


• Anonymous Hacker Group Hits Apple, Publishes Data - No, not an anonymous hacker group, the Anonymous hacker group. Third base!


• South Los Angeles Girl Blinded In Right Eye By Illegal Fireworks - Was it in slow motion, set to classical music?


• Suspects At Large In Daytime Robbery At 98-Cent Discount Store - How are detectives going to recover that $3.94 they stole?


• Potato Chips: The Other Natural Way To Get Stoned - I know Pringles were a gateway food. Once you pop you can't stop!


• Unsettling Photos Of Monkeys Wearing Masks - But at least not unflattering.


• Man Killed By Grizzly At Yellowstone National Park - Damn it, Yogi! Now the ranger is going to come down on your ass hard!


Worst of the week: A Hermès scarf is generally overpriced to the tune of $430 per silk square, but this Ascher scarf by Henri Matisse (that was originally intended to be used as a wall panel) just made it look like used toilet paper.


Christie's sold it for $4.8 million, It is an original from the 30-piece limited run, and clear proof that we can not roll back the Bush-era tax cuts on the top 1% in the country. Items like this can not go unpurchased!


Worst bonus links:


• Boy, 6, Molested In Park Bathroom Stall In Pico Rivera - I don't know what's worse, the molestation or that it happened in Pico Rivera.


• Seeds Blamed For Europe E. Coli Still On Sale - Because the annual summer heatwave doesn't kill enough people there.


• July 27: Take Your Houseplants for a Walk Day, Creme Brulee Day - More like Assholes Celebrating Stupid Things Day.


• Rotting, Abandoned New Orleans Theme Park - No, no Bourbon Street in the off-season.


• 1879 London Murder Mystery Solved - Tell those people's great great grandchildren they can have their closure.


• Exxon Oil Spill In Montana River Prompts Evacuations - Finally, a Exxon environmental problem in the lower 48!


• Radiohead Ventures Into Chinese Social Media - The untapped realm for being cryptic and confusing. Even the language barrier isn't a factor.


• Zookeeper Advertising Inserted Into ‘How I Met Your Mother’ Reruns - The melding of something awful and the misuse of technology.


• Casey Anthony Found Not Guilty Of Murder / Casey Anthony Has Porn Offers Already - So you're not a convicted baby-killer...what can a party girl do?


• Three California Moms Accused Of Using PTA In Ponzi Scheme - I knew there was something funny about that bake sale.


• Teen Faces Prison After Sex Doll Prank Goes Awry - But she looked 18 PSI!


• Rupert Murdoch Supports Executive Rebekah Brooks / Murdoch Stuns Critics, Shuts Down Scandal-Hit Paper - Guess it was just a little support. Ballsy move, but when you have that much money and clout, you just shut down newspapers when their integrity is in question, rather than deal with it. I think he relaunches it next year.


• Meet The $100,000 Zafirro Iridium Razor - And then shove it up your ass, if you buy one. You don't even need a $100 razor, let alone this one.


• Musical Parody Of The Silence Of The Lambs Ready - I'd say ready for what, but it's more like ready for why.


• Southern Swamp Holds Clues About Runaway Slaves - The clues are the bodies found. They tell me they died there.


• Marcia Clark: Casey Anthony Verdict, Worse Than O.J.! - And she should know, since she was part of the team that blew it.

• An Entire Taiwanese City Does Lady Gaga Cosplay For Lady Gaga Day - An entire city doing ladyboy-pop-dress-up to make me roll my eyes.