Weekend Edition

Counting down the top 20 links we didn't cover during the week...

20 • The 'Breaking Bad' Porn Parody Now Has A Trailer - You're nothing in pop culture history until there's a porn version.

19 • Man Mauled To Death By Captive Grizzly In Montana / 2-Year-Old Boy Killed At PA. Zoo Exhibit / Man-Eating Leopard Devours 15 - Another installment of man versus the animal kingdom. And the animals won.

18 • Jermaine Jackson Petitions To Alter Famous Name - I'll save you the click...he wants to change it form Jackson to Jacksun. I hope the judge denies it on the grounds of go fuck yourself (that's a legal term, right?), but if not, exhibit A is that he named one of his sons Jermajesty.

17 • Anthony Bourdain Goes On A Dead-Hooker Twitter Tirade - Don't try and put your product placement in his show without permission.

16 • Rebecca Black Producer's Thanksgiving Video, With Nicole Westbrook - WARNING! This is goddamn awful. And it's going to get 30 million hits.

15 • Craigslist Ad For 'Sick Ass 1971 Honda CB350' - If this didn't belong to La Flama Blanca, then he at least wrote the ad.

14 • No Doubt Pulled Their Offensive New Video - Native Americans don't like the cowboys and Indians motif, but it's really how bland the song is that's offensive.

13 • Man Admits Murder During Heart Attack, Survives - You don't go to heaven if you admit your sins, just jail.

12 • One Colonoscopy May Be Enough For A Lifetime / Detroit Tigers Star Pleads Guilty In New York Anti-Semitic Case - A pair of stories about assholes, and how they should be dealt with.

11 • Superman's Home Planet Krypton 'Found' / USA Luge Team To Dress As X-O Manowar For 2014 Olympics - Crossover by comics into real life can be interesting, but these are a little unnecessary.

10 • McDonald's Flies American Flag Upside Down At Half-Mast In Follansbee, West Virginia - Was it a protest after the election, a call for help, or a flag malfunction? Or, because it's West Virginia just Wednesday?

09 • Voters In Washington And Colorado Legalize Recreational Marijuana - In other news, populations on adjoining states decrease as mass exodus begins to Washington and Colorado.

08 • 37 Bond Girls Then And Now - Spoiler alert! Most of them are better then than now.

07 • Woman Who Drove On Sidewalk Must Wear 'Idiot' Sign - I like creative punishments, especially when they're also honest.

06 • Ronda Rousey Becomes The First Woman In The UFC - Well, at least, the first one who'll kick your ass or knock you out. They still have those chippies in bikinis between rounds.

05 • So Long, And Thanks For All The WHOSE RESPONSIBLE THIS - Rob Bricken leaves his editor's spot at the great Topless Robot for io9...yes, I am a geek, and you should be too by checking out both sites.

04 • How Apple Avoids Paying Billions in Taxes - They ain't making record breaking profits just from selling a lot of gadgets. Because sometimes it also pays not to think differently.

03 • Scientists Make Light Travel Infinitely Fast - When light speed got a little faster.

02 • New York Man Crushed By Giant Crucifix Has Leg Amputated - Man frequently prays at church for wife. Man believes crucifix cures his wife of cancer. Crucifix decides debt needs to be repaid.

01 • Dead Pig In Romney Shirt Found At Manhattan Beach GOP Headquarters - After all months and months of election coverage in the media, this is the way I want the story it end.

Brown Out

Unlike the wonderfully charming reference to the Halloween episode of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, this has less laughs for sure.

The powerhouse Los Angeles Lakers are a shitty 1-4 to open the season, and coach Mike Brown is taking the brunt of that fault.  Also know as The-Guy-Who-Had-To-Follow-The-Incredible-Phil-Jackson-Era, Brown barely lasted more than one season at the helm.  Many have said he wasn't the right man for the job since last season, but with a roster including Kobe Bryant, Pau Gasol, and new additions Dwight Howard and Steve Nash, even I should be able to get them to a better record. Indiana Pacers assistant Brian Shaw, who was one of the original contenders for the position before Brown's hiring, may be back in the mix as well as former Knicks coach Mike D'Antoni. Other websites also throw Rick Adelman as a possibility, but at this point, anybody could get the job if they're not already the head coach of the other 29 teams.

I have only two more F1 races left in the year, and with the continued NHL lockout, the Lakers were going to be my attempt at being involved with professional sports over the winter (save the once a week Packers games thanks to Famous Wife Scarlett).  I'm not ever gonna go for the San Diego Los Angeles Clippers, bad ass as Blake Griffin is, because I was at The Forum courtside before I knew my multiplication tables, so I hope the Lakers can get their shit together.  I'm not holding my breath for the third run for Phil Jackson, but whomever they get, I hope they turn it around.

Who knows...there was another team that plays at the Staples Center who fired their coach this year and finished the season by winning the championship, so I wouldn't write them off yet. 

So Go The Redskins...

If you believe in tradition, superstition  or pigskin, tomorrow's election results have already been prognosticated.

When the Carolina Panthers beat the Washington Redskins 21-13 yesterday, according to the "Redskins Rule", Mitt Romney will be the next president. When the Redskins won their last home game prior to the presidential election, the incumbent party retained the White House (and by converse, if the Redskins lost their last home game prior to the election, the out-of-power party won the election).

For 15 presidential elections from 1940 (when the team arrived from Boston) through 1996, the rule held fast, and in 2000, when the Tennessee Titans beat the Redskins, it  would mean a victory for the party not previously elected - the Republicans. Though Al Gore won the popular vote, George W. Bush defeated Al Gore in the election.  This played a factor in the 2004 election, as a Redskins loss to the Green Bay Packers would have meant a Democratic party president, but since Gore technically won the vote, it would still (arguably) hold true.

It was eventually rejiggered as Redskins Rule 2.0, saying that when the popular vote winner does not win the election, on the subsequent presidential election gets flipped.  So if you buy into that, Romney will either win outright tomorrow, or Obama will lose the popular vote but still take the Electoral College.  Given the awful first few games with the replacement referees at the start of the season, I'm already putting an asterisk on the NFL this year...(but I hope Black Jesus wins over Magic Pants).

Grantland's True NFL Team Logos

Weekend Edition

Counting down the top 20 links we didn't cover during the week...

20 • Boyfriend Assaults Girlfriend With Steak Sauce Over Fifty Shades Of Grey - He still got the Wor(ce)st(ershire) of it.

19 • Raccoons Chase, Attack Woman Who Had Just Finished Jogging In Park / Tigers Kill Man Who Scaled Fence At Danish Zoo - It's no different this week...animals are pissed off at humans.

18 • Graphene Miracle #5,347: It Can Repair Itself Entirely Unassisted - Higgs-Boson?  Graphene is the God particle.

17 • Suicide Bomber Kills 7 Of His Own Family In Iraq / Explosive Fireworks Horrifically Severed And Blew Off A Paraplegic's Leg - Two perfect examples of exactly how bad things can go when you shouldn't be playing with explosives.

16 • Microsoft, NBC Dissolve MSNBC.com Joint Venture - No word on who gets custody of Rachel Maddow.

15 • Ohio Diner Owner Dies Hours After Obama Visit / Obama Staffer Dies After Collapsing At Campaign’s Chicago HQ - Our president...the angel of death?

14 • Autistic Man Survives 3-Week Ordeal In Utah Desert - A happy ending to the story, even  though his autism was what got him into trouble.

13 • Nigerian Tanker Explosion, At Least 95 Killed After Crash As People Rush For ‘Free Fuel’ - It's usually a sign that signals a promotion for free gas, not a crash and gallons of it spilling out.

12 • San Bernardino Third California City To Seek Bankruptcy - If only they sold all that meth, they'd be in the black.

11 • 13-Minute Dark Knight Rises Featurette Hits The Movie's Major Characters And Themes / DC Is Just @#$%ing Gonna Give Up On Movies Until 2015 - Get hyped for now!  Because after Batman and Superman, DC has to learn how to make comic characters into film properties.

10 • Flying Robot Makes 3D Map Of Building's Interior - Just like those bots in Prometheus, now with 100% less Engineer dicks.

09 • Immigrants With ‘Gang Tattoos’ Denied U.S. Visas - The easiest way to keep the bad elements out of the country is if they make it obvious.

08 • Rejoice, For Edifi, The First Christian Tablet Is Here! - That damn headline takes all the sarcasm out of my comments on it.

07 • Blind Contestant Completes In Miss Florida - Yet she'll never see how silly pageants are.

06 • Found: Multiple People Combined Into Single Mummies - Who knew that Dr. Frankenstein was over 3,000 years old?

05 • ESPN The Magazine’s 2012 Body Issue Will Make You Appreciate The Athletic Female Form / Ronda Rousey Would 'Beat The Crap Out Of Kim Kardashian' Because Her Fame Came From A Sex Tape - I support hot naked women athletes...especially the ones who want to kick the piss out of a Kardashian.

04 • Scientists Create Molecule To Make Teeth Cavityproof - Great news!  Now all we need is a company to sell it...

03 • Man Dies In Rollover Crash After Running Over Wife In SUV - There's one story every week that makes me smile at it's perfection, and this is it.

02 • Twitter Divides In Response To Daniel Tosh's Rape Joke - Yeah, I'll pick a side and back Team Tosh.  Comedy isn't pretty, but it's still comedy.  And let's keep everything in context.

01 • Auditors Say Billions Likely Wasted In Iraq Work - Was anybody surprised at this?  It's such predictable news that I can't switch from disappointment at being cynically correct to anger over it.

Weekend Edition

Counting down the top 20 links we didn't cover during the week...

20 • Karate Instills Confidence In Special Needs Kids - Yeah, that's what they need.  Not how to dress themselves or how to use the bathroom solo, but martial arts.

19 • Former Astronaut Poindexter Dies In Ski Jet Accident / Teen Dies Playing Russian Roulette - Two literal rocket scientists, foolishly killed.

18 • Steve Nash To The LA Kings - Finally, a reverse hockey / basketball mistake!

17 • Andy Griffith Dies At 86 - Mayberry him in peace.

16 • Couple Tries For Year Of Daily Disneyland Visits - It helps to have one half of your duo unemployed to pull it off.  Don't bother to look for a job...that's really Fantasyland.

15 • Anderson Cooper Claims To Be “Gay” - World claims to be surprised.

14 • Russia Fears New Epidemic Of Synthetic Marijuana / Mexico Recounts Votes From Over Half Of Polling Booths - Aside from the state of Florida, our country has no weird weed or voter fraud.

13 • Man, 30, Sentenced To 65 Years To Life For Raping Developmentally Disabled Girl, 7 - I want to say something about if she'd known karate, but...

12 • Cops Mistaken For Male Strippers At Bachelorette Party - These are the kinds of confusing that happen now thanks to Magic Mike.

11 • The Incredibly True Story Of Before Before Watchmen - Comic book "behind the scenes"?  Yes, please!

10 • Amputee Pistorius Selected For Olympics In 4x400 / Australia Under Fire For Sleeping Pill Ban - Let's see what has a bigger impact once the games start; the legless runner, or that athletes can't take get a little help to get some rest.

09 • Singer Frank Ocean Reveals First Love Was A Man - Suddenly, a lot of people really took to heart those R&B lyrics.

08 • Yasser Arafat's Body To Be Exhumed - They say it's to check if polonium poison had to do with the illness leading to his death, but I'm hoping it's to piss on his corpse.

07 • Romney's Wife Says Woman Being Eyed For Ticket - That worked so well the last time for the GOP.  This is nothing but a stunt for publicity.

06 • William Lynch Found Not Guilty in Beating Of Priest He Said Sexually Abused Him - Amen to true justice.

05 • McSweeney’s FAQ: The “Snake Fight” Portion Of Your Thesis Defense - Now I'm glad I didn't go to grad school.  I'm like Indiana Jones with serpents.

04 • Lineswoman Hit In The Face By 118 mph Serve - For a few seconds, tennis got interesting. 

03 • Mammoth Lakes, Famous California Ski Town, Files For Bankruptcy - Good thing I didn't get that season pass.  Talk about hard to get a refund...

02 • Eastbound & Down Renewed For A Fourth Season - It had a perfect ending in the series finale, but a bonus season is fine by me. 

01 • Proof Of 'God Particle' Found - The material at the source of creation and the universe?  Could be the top story on the list...

The Decision(s)

The two biggest free agents coming out of the 2011-12 season shocked and stunned fans around the NHL by leaving the franchises they started with for a colossal combined contract worth over $196 million and covers 26 years.  Independence Day, indeed!

Former New Jersey Devils forward Zach Parise and Nashville Predators defenseman Ryan Suter chose to be teammates on the Minnesota Wild, making the biggest impact in the franchise's history since the club was created in the league expansion of 2000-01 (which filled the void of the North Stars team which was relocated to Dallas in 1993).  Both players had interest beyond their previous teams, and Minnesota was not expected to be the favorite for either of them - let alone get them both.

Their identical contracts look like this:

• Year 1: $2 million base salary + $10 million signing bonus = $12 million

• Year 2: $2 million base salary + $10 million signing bonus = $12 million

• Year 3: $6 million base + $5 million signing bonus = $11 million

• Years 4-8: $9 million base

• Year 9: $8 million base

• Year 10: $6 million base

• Year 11: $2 million base

• Years 12-13: $1 million base

Unlike previous CBA-busting agreements by Chris Pronger and Ilya Kovalchuk, this one won't rankle the league officials, but is likely the last of it's type as the collective bargaining agreement is expiring.  It comes on the heels of 10-year contracts for Jordan Staal and Jonathan Quick, and a 12-year extension for Sidney Crosby, all three also considered lynch pins for their organizations on the coming years.  While other teams offered competitive terms in both money and years, both players determined they could get fat contracts for the length of their careers, and more importantly, play together while defining an era for their new team.  Parise also gets to go home and play in his hometown.

Obviously, there's a lot of teams disappointed - Detroit had a Lidstom-sized hole to fill with Suter and would have loved to add Parise to their top six, and Pittsburgh carved out a big block of cap space looking for some pieces to return them to the Cup finals, but none more than New Jersey, who lost their captain and arguably biggest star, and Nashville, who locked in goalie Pekka Rinne to a long term deal last year in the hopes of anchoring their top players to the organization, but now gave up a key D-man and may lose captain Shea Weber to free agency next year.

And the Wild? They have not won a round of the playoffs since 2003, and missed them altogether for the last four years, but this is a big enough step to make them legitimate contenders for the post-season and a new destination for players and new talent.

The Quick And The Rich

They can't make the deal official until July 1, but the LA Kings - pardon me, the 2012 Stanley Cup Champion LA Kings have agreed to contract terms with goaltender stud Jonathan Quick.  Fuck. Yes!

GM Machiavelli Dean Lombardi announced the 10 year contract extension today, which will kick in after the upcoming season, and will be a generous pay raise from the $1.8 he's currently making - reportedly worth $58 million.  Quick won the Conn Smythe (playoff MVP) this year, and basically carried the team to and through the playoffs.  Not bad for the 26-year-old who was the 72nd overall (third round) draft pick in 2005.  His 2011-2012 season was record setting for the team, and he dominated the NHL: a league leading 10 shutouts, second in goals-against average with 1.95 - or first among goalies who played more than 40 games, tied for fifth with 35 wins and a .929 save percentage (.929) - quite a feat for playing 69 games.

Quick was even better during the 2012 Playoffs - in 20 games Quick compiled 16 wins while leading all playoff goaltenders with a 1.41 goals-against average and a .946 save percentage (3rd best all-time for goalies with at least 10 games played), and a trio of shutouts.  After surviving the awful Cechmanek / Cloutier era, knowing Quick is locked up until 2023 is comforting.  This also means backup goaltender Jonathan Bernier is not long for this world team and will likely be tradebait as he too has a year left on his contract, though it is uncertain when he could be moved.

Now, enjoy the franchise records set by Quick:

ALL-TIME KINGS RECORDS:

• GAA (2.30)

• Save Percentage (.916)

• Win Streak (nine, Jan. 21-Feb. 6, 2010)

• Shutout Streak (three, Oct. 18-22, 2011)

• Scoreless Streak (202:11 third period Oct. 15, 2011 through first period Oct. 22, 2011)

SINGLE-SEASON KINGS RECORDS

• Games Played (72 in 2009-10)

• Wins (39 in 2009-10) GAA (1.95 in 2011-12)

• Save Percentage (.929 in 2011-12)

• Minutes Played (4,258 in 2009-10)

• Shutouts (10 in 2011-12)

• Home Shutouts (seven in 2011-12)

• Road Shutouts (four in 2008-09 and 2010-11)

• Rookie GAA (2.48 in 2008-09 – tied by Jonathan Bernier in 2010-11)

• Rookie Shutouts (four in 2008-09 – tied with Jamie Storr in 1998-99, Mario Lessard in 1978-79 and Gerry Desjardins in 1968-69)

• Shootout Wins (10 in 2010-11)

• Shootout Save Percentage (.818 in 2010-11)

• Shootout Win Percentage (1.000 in 2010-11: 10-0)

OTHER KINGS GOALTENDING RECORDS

• First with 30 wins three straight seasons (2009-10, 2010-11, 2011-12)

• First with three road shutouts in one month (Dec. 2010)

• Most saves in a shutout (51, Dec. 13, 2010 at DET, 5-0 Win)

• Fastest to 20 wins in one season (36th team game in 2009-10)

• Fastest to 30 wins in one season (54th team game in 2009-10)

• Fastest to 100 wins (185th career game)

ALL-TIME KINGS PLAYOFF RECORDS:

• GAA (2.12)

• Save Percentage (.926)

• Shutouts (4)

• Win Streak (eight, April 22-May 17, 2012)

• Road Win Streak – cumulative (12, April 16, 2011 – June 2, 2012 – NHL record)

ALL-TIME KINGS PLAYOFF SINGLE-SEASON RECORDS

• Games Played (20 in 2012 – tied with Kelly Hrudey in 1993)

• Wins (16 in 2012) GAA (1.41 in 2012)

• Save Percentage (.946 in 2012 – tied NHL record for goalies with at least 10GP)

• Shutouts (3 in 2012)

• Road Wins (10 – tied NHL record)

• Home Win Streak (3, May 3-May 17, 2012 – tied club record)

• Road Win Streak – one year (10, April 11-June 2, 2012 – NHL record)

OTHER KINGS PLAYOFF GOALTENDING RECORDS:

• Most shots faced, regulation game (52, April 23, 2011 at SJ, 3-1 Win)

• Most saves, regulation game (51, April 23, 2011 at SJ, 3-1 Win)

• Most shots faced, one period (23, April 13, 2012 at VAN, 4-2 Win) Most saves, one period (22, Apr. 13, 2012 at VAN, 4-2 Win)

NHL AWARDS/ACCOMPLISHMENTS

• Conn Smythe Trophy in 2012 NHL

• Second-Team All-Star in 2012 NHL All-Star in 2012

• Vezina Trophy Finalist in 2012

• NHL Star of the Week (Eight Times: No. 1 three times, No. 2 two times, No. 3 three times)

KINGS AWARDS/ACCOMPLISHMENTS

• Kings MVP (Bill Libby Memorial Award) in 2011-12

• Kings Best Defensive Player in 2011-12

• Kings Most Inspirational Player (Ace Bailey Memorial Award) in 2011-12

• Most Popular Player in 2011-12

45 Years In The Making

Stoned Bowl

News flash to the University of Oregon football players who came forward in the recent ESPN article to share the news of their pot use - get ready for increased drug testing next year and in the NFL.

Yes, it's not so much news as it is newsworthy, since you rarely hear marijuana in conjunction with athletics other than when there's a mugshot involved, but college students smoke weed, which include the players on the team.   And they admit it.  An NCAA study released in January had 22.6% of athletes hitting it, which is up almost a point and a half for the last study in 2005.  College football players ranked highest (pun intended) among major sports with more than a quarter smoking their eighths. The article sourced 19 current and former Oregon players and officials who chronic-led the last 15 years of smoking. Former Ducks player and current pros estimated that 40-60% of the squad lit it up, and current Ducks concur on that figure.

Even though we all knew what was going on, it is a major revelation to see it so candidly confirmed. I mean, it is Oregon and not, say, BYU, so we can't be too shocked, but as marijuana becomes more commonplace - and more legal, it could just be a matter of time before this is a small footnote. And I've always been impressed with athletes being able to perform well and still have drugs in their system that are not performance enhancing. So if you can toke a little and still play to your potential, where's the downside?

Playoff Hockey, Suspension Edition (aka The Shanabans, so far...)

Raffi Torres - 25 games (check out his rap sheet of dirty hits and suspensions)

Aaron Asham - 4 games

Carl Hagelan - 3 games

Andrew Shaw - 3 games

Byron Bitz - 2 games

Matt Carkner - 1 game

James Neal - 1 game

Nicklas Backstrom - 1 game

BONUS:

WTF...no call?

  Damn right that's a clean hit!

Pigskin Horseplay

After shopping his fivehead to all the underachieving teams with QB needs, Peyton Manning is heading to Tebow territory.

Manning, who was cut from the Colts after his year-long recovery from multiple neck surgeries, has decided to head for another pack of horses, to the tune of 5 years and $95 million. Apparently, God - and John Elway, hath forsaken thee, Tim Tebow.

Though able to lead the Broncos to several spectacular comeback victories, Tebow made a better story than savior - though his fanatical followers swore he had the goods.  Funny how those who can cite chapter and verse by memory couldn't remember the first three quarters of every game where Tebow couldn't make a pass to save his life.

The next part of this tale is where does Timmy end up? Who needs a back-up QB that consistently can't close?  Or worse...a starter?

The NBA Goes Semi-Pro

613 Skaters Have Done This Year What He Can't

Yesterday was a big deal for football, but it was also memorable for hockey fans. It was one year ago that Montreal Canadiens' center Scott Gomez scored his last NHL goal.

Players have had slumps, but none as profound as the one for Gomez, who's last lamp-lighter was the game winner against the New York Rangers. He hasn't been injured or missing games - he's just suckedAs this season has progressed, the lack of scoring has become a phenomenon. A Quebec bar has been offering free drinks when and if Gomez scores.  Songs have been popping up on the interweb.  And DidGomezScore.com provides the cold, hard numbers.

With almost eight minutes before the anniversary, the clock almost got reset.  It was on a power play in the second period the then puck edged past Winnipeg Jets goalie Ondrej Pavelec.  Gomez was a presence at the net, and after a lengthy review, the officials awarded the goal to his teammate Tomas Plekanec. Yeah, it's getting onboard the bad karma wagon to join in the mockery, but for a skater making $7.5 million, a full calendar year without scoring a goal is embarrassing.  That's no better than me, and I'm not even playing...where's my millions?

Realigned

Last night the NHL Board of Governors approved a new four-conference format beginning in the 2012-13 season...because with two conferences of seven teams and two conferences of eight teams is better than two conferences with 15?

Much of the impetus to change the league structure was based the move from Atlanta to Winnipeg by the Thrashers Jets, and compounded by the long suffering complaints from Midwestern / Southern teams about travel and losing out on television airings. What could have been a simple swap between Winnipeg and either Detroit or Columbus to keep some geographical semblance of order, has become far more complicated.

Gone are the Eastern and Western Conferences with their evenly divided five team groups, each playing their four division rivals 24 times in the season, and the rest of their conference in forty games, filling in the remainder with the opposing conference. Now, every team will play a home-and-home set, and if you are in one of the eight team conferences, you'll play your rivals an uneven amount of times.

Also, the playoff format is not decided, though it is expected the top four teams per conference facing each other in the first two rounds of play, and then the conference champs meeting to determine the Stanley Cup final. While that may eliminate the issue of the top division leader getting a playoff spot even if other teams in the conference have more points but are not atop their group, it gives a clear advantage the seven-team conferences have over the eights to get a playoff berth.

I'm not a fan of this because the Kings are in an eight team conference. Plus if that format would have been in place last year, Dallas would have made the post-season with 95 points, and the LA Kings would have missed it with 98. are not in a seven-team conference. Sites have a deeper look at the pros and cons, and have even taken a look at how things would shake out if the playoffs started today under the new system, and it's not pretty.

Fu-Man Drew's Workout

Who says hockey players don't have a sense of humor?

Локомотив в память

On Thursday night, Dynamo Minsk skated out on the ice for a tribute to their fallen opponents, Lokomotiv Yaroslavl.

Huge portraits of the players and staff were placed on the ice, as a requiem mass was performed by an orchestra.  Part of the tribute included Dynamo players firing pucks into empty nets in honor of each member of Lokomotiv. Later, flowers were placed inside the goals in their memory.

In memory of:  Vitaly Anikeenko; Yuri Bahvalov; Alexander Belyaev; Mikhail Balandin; Alexander Vasyunov; Joseph Vashichek; Alexander E. Vyuhin; Robert Genrikhovich Ditrih; Pavol Demitra; Andrey Zimin; Marat Natfullovich Kalimulin; Alexander G. Karpovtsev; Alexander I. Kalyanin; Andrey Kiryuhin; Nikita Klyukin; Igor Borisovich Korolev; Nikolai Krivonosov; Evgeny Kunnov; Vyacheslav Mikhailovich Kuznetsov; Stephen Daniel Patrick Liv; Jan Marek; Brad Byron MacCrimmon; Sergey I. Ostapchuk; Vladimir Leonidovich Piskunov; Karel Rahunek; Ruslan Salei; Evgeny Sidorov; Karlis Martinovic Skrastinsh; Pavel Snurnitsyn; Daniel E. Sobchenko; Gennady S. Churilov; Maxim A. Shuvalov; Artem Nikolaevich Yarchuk.

Dead Guy Hat Trick

Hockey fans should be happy there's not a strike protracted off-season, or there'd be no more players left.

Wade Belak was the third NHL player to kill himself during in as many months. He follows other enforcers Rick Rypien and Derek Boogaard who also suffered from combinations of depression and protracted pain from the rigors of playing. The league issued a statement saying that while each case is unique the "tragic events cannot be ignored", while pledging to review the substance abuse and behavioral health programs available to players. "We want individuals to feel comfortable seeking help when they need help," the statement said.

Suicide has struck all over sports in recent months: former Baltimore Orioles pitcher Mike Flanagan, U.S. Olympic aerial skier Jeret "Speedy" Peterson, former New York Yankees pitcher Hideki Irabu, former Duke basketball captain Thomas Emma; Austrian Olympic judoka Claudia Heill, former Pro Bowl safety Dave Duerson and former San Jose Sharks farmhand Tom Cavanagh.

It's hard to show weakness and deal with issues in a culture of winning and toughness, but even champions and elite athletes have the same struggles as the average fan. In other news, Michael Vick signed a contract worth $100 million, so either he's real happy or may be a threat to himself.

Super Rookie

Real Madrid has just signed a 7-year-old soccer prodigy from Argentina...man, that kid is going to be self conscious in the locker room.

Leonel Angel Coira signed with the Spanish club and will begin training September 6th, a team spokesman said, though he did not elaborate what can a 7-year-old possibly train for. As good as he may be, he's not going to see field time for another decade, so basically this is a publicity stunt, right? Well, basically yes. He signed a one-year renewable deal and won't receive any salary, plus he'll only be eligible to play for the pro squad once he turns 16.

Coira's idol is Lionel Messi, a Barcelona forward who is also Argentine shares the nickname Leo. The team reportedly made the push to sign Coira because Spanish league rival Atletico Madrid was also pursuing him. Barcelona signed Messi as a teenager, and he has won the World Player of the Year award twice, as well as helped Barcelona win 15 trophies, including three Champions League titles and five Spanish league championships. Apparently they feel Coira could one day reach Messi's talent.

It all just reminds me of that hilarious Mr. Show sketch about child recruiters, which now has become frighteningly prophetic. I'm sure the kid is good, even better than his peers, but good enough to sign with a pro team?  Can you tell at age seven? He'll be playing against eight and nine year olds, which doesn't sound like a a real challenge for his skills...if he's that good, let him play 12-year-olds!