Get Some Go Again

Marriage is about team work. Like raising a child. Or holding down an intruder while your spouse stabs them.

As her husband fought with an trespasser, the woman grabbed a knife and stabbed the stranger to death, said sheriff investigators.  The corpse apparently was the same man who robbed the woman in the North Bend, WA home Sunday, just 12 hours earlier!  The couple's baby daughter and the wife's mother were also in the home about 1:40 a.m. this morning when the couple were awakened by barking dogs.

The intruder entered the house through an unlocked door Sunday and assaulted the wife, getting away with some cash. She didn't get a good look at him because her hair was grabbed from behind, slapped and punched in the face, and suffered an ankle injury when she was dragged by her hair.  I'm going to guess that she was thrilled to have a second shot at her assailant with less disadvantage.

Investigators don't believe the residents know the intruder and there's nothing to indicate why the house was attacked, let alone twice.  But let that be a warning to would-be robbers and thieves - returning to the scene of the crime can exacerbate any preexisting conditions, like say, knife allergies.

The Most Interesting Part Of The Twilight Saga

 

With a douchey name like Bronson Pelletier, he would not only have to be an actor, but have played a werewolf in one (or more - I don't know or care) of the Twilight movies. And to know that he got kicked off a plane for being too drunk, only to end up pissing all over the floor at LAX, well, seems to befit someone by the name of Bronson Pelletier.

What's Tila Tequila Been Up To?

Here's a stellar rant from her website - verbatim, that show's she's in a good place, and things are working out for her.

Please excuse my extremely explicit letter to “THE OTHERS” as I have had enough so I just wanted to tell you guys before you read further so please don’t get offended. I don’t usually talk this way but again, this is a letter for “THE OTHERS” so please go ahead and stop reading at this point because my letter to them is NOT pretty. Love you! Now let me get back to my letter to those pricks because I know they are reading this now! Their time is running out. I’m sick of their bullsh*t and f*cking with humanity’s lives as if we are just a bunch of disposable toys to them! Time for a REVOLUTION and also time for my “HOLY GRAIL” website to finally launch soon! F*ck them! Yes, you, “THE OTHERS” and you KNOW we, the people, are going to win this time. We are all sick and tired of your sh*t. You want a War? Ok let’s get ready for one, but only if YOU yourself participate and not act like a bunch of old, ugly, rich, evil COWARDS hiding while you send out our young, beautiful boys here in AMERICA and TRAIN THEM TO BE MURDERERS TRICKING THEM INTO THINKING THEY ARE FIGHTING FOR THE GOOD OF MANKIND WHEN REALLY YOU ASSHOLES LIED TO EVERYONE! I DECLARE A WAR BUT NO SOLDIERS, JUST ME, THE PEOPLE, AND ALL OF YOU SO CALLED ILLUMINATI, ELITIST COWARDS! I HAVE ALL YOUR SECRETS, I AM MUCH WISER THAN I WAS BACK THEN WHEN YOU F*CKED ME OVER SO BAD I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO JUST DIE FROM ALL THE PAIN YOU ORCHESTRATED AND INFLICTED UPON MY SOUL! MY TILA ARMY AND THE WORLD AT LARGE HAS YOU WAAAAAAAAY OUT NUMBERED!! 

AND BELIEVE ME, ALTHOUGH THE MASSES DON’T KNOW THAT SUPER HUMANS REALLY DO EXIST, WELL I KNOW THAT YOU KNOW WE DO SO WE DON’T NEED WEAPONS TO DESTROY YOU! GO ON.. SHOULD I TELL THEM ABOUT THE SUPER HUMANS THAT EXIST AND ALL OF THOSE EXPERIMENTS YOU DO ON THEM TO USE THEIR POWERS FOR YOUR OWN BENEFIT? SHOULD I TELL THEM THAT IS WHY SO MANY “MISSING CHILDREN” POP UP EACH YEAR BECAUSE YOU SADISTIC F*CKS WERE THE ONES BEHIND IT??! AGAIN, THERE ARE STILL PLENTY OF US OUT HERE WITH SUPER POWERS AND I WILL GATHER THEM ALL TOGETHER AND YOU EVIL PRICKS ARE ALL GOING DOWN!!! 

UNLESS YOU STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND FIX ALL THE WRONG YOU DID TO MANKIND, FIX THE EARTH THAT YOU RUINED, THEN I AM SURE THERE WILL NOT BE ANYMORE FRICTIONS AND HATRED BETWEEN US GOOD GUYS AND YOU EVIL PRICKS! SO WHAT IF YOU ARE ALIEN HYBRID? THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU OWN US! YOU KNOW DAMN WELL THERE ARE ABOUT AT LEAST 100 DIFFERENT TYPES OF ALIEN HYBRIDS ON PLANET EARTH RIGHT NOW AND WE ARE ALL WAKING UP HONEY! PREPARE FOR WAR. I HAVE OFFICIALLY DECLARED IT. 

AGAIN, I TELL YOU IN ADVANCE I HAVE NO WEAPONS, I AM NO TERRORIST, I LOVE THE PEOPLE OF THE WORLD, AND THE ONY WEAPON I HAVE TO GO TO WAR WITH YOU F*CKS ARE MY NATURAL SUPER HUMAN ABILITIES AS WELL. 

TIME IS RUNNING OUT AND I DONT CARE ANYMORE WHAT YOU DO TO TRY TO MAKE ME LOOK CRAZY! I AM TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW THAT WE BOTH KNOW THAT YOU AND I HAVE BEEN ON THIS PLANET FOR A VERY LONG TIME! AND YES I AM WELL AWARE THAT THIS LETTER MAY MAKE ME SEEM BIZARRE BUT AT THIS POINT I DON’T EVEN CARE ANYMORE! THIS IS ABOUT YOU, NOT THEM! 

SHALL I GO INTO TELLING THE PEOPLE HOW YOU KEPT WATCHING ME MY ENTIRE LIFE EVEN BEFORE I WAS BORN? AND INDEED YOU SENT THOSE 3 MAN MADE GREYS TO TRY TO SCARE ME AND PLOT SOME TYPE OF ARTIFICIAL ABDUCTION! HA! VERY CLEVER HUNNY BUT I DIDN’T FALL FOR THAT SH*T, AS BELIEVABLE AS THEY WERE AND EVEN ALMOST GOT ME FLYING BACKWARDS INTO THE YELLOW BLAST THAT KEPT PULLING ME UP AND AWAY… TRYING SOOOOO HARD TO STEAL MY SOUL! AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOU DID IT WHILE COURTENAY WAS RIGHT THERE!!!!!!!!!!! SHE KNOWS WHAT YOU DID THAT NIGHT. 

BUT YOU AND I BOTH KNOW, YOU KNOWWWW THAT I HAVE MY PEOPLE ALSO WATCHING OVER YOU! AS LONG AS I AM ALIVE, AS LONG AS GOD IS IN MY HEART, AS LONG AS MY KIND CONTINUES TO PROTECT ME, THEN YOU CANNOT DO SH*T TO ME! 

AS FOR EVERYONE ELSE I SINCERELY APOLOGIZE FOR MY CURSING AS YOU GUYS KNOW I AM NEVER THIS WAY NOR DO I SPEAK THIS WAY TO ANYONE… ONLY WHEN SOMETHING TRAUMATIC HAPPENS SO PLEASE FORGIVE ME IF I HAVE OFFENDED ANY OF YOU WITH SO MANY F-BOMBS!!! BUT THIS LETTER IS FOR THE OTHERS. I DONT USUALLY AGREE WITH SUCH LANGUAGE BUT THOSE PRICKS DON’T DESERVE MY RESPECT!!! 

SHALL I CONTINUE??? YEAH SURE WE KNOW ABOUT THE UNDERGROUND BUNKERS… OLD NEWS. BUT SHALL I TELL THE PEOPLE ABOUT THE ENTIRE CITY INSIDE THE HOLLOW EARTH??? SHALL I TELL THE PEOPLE THAT YOU CAME HERE AND LEFT YOUR OWN PLANET TO INFILTRATE OURS AND NOW SOME OF YOU STILL CURRENTLY RESIDE ON THE MOON! 

SHALL I TELL THEM THAT THE SO CALLED “MOON” IS ACTUALLY WHERE SOME OF YOU STILL RESIDE TO WATCH OVER US, AND THE MOON IS ACTUALLY YOUR BASE. OH LET ME NOT GO INTO HOW YOU TOTALLY F*CKED THE TRUE HISTORY OF THE NATIVE AFRICAN AMERICAN PEOPLE!!!!!! THEY WERE ACTUALLY ONCE VERY ADVANCED AND LOVING BEINGS UNTIL YOU CAME HERE AND FUCKED THEM ALL UP JUST LIKE YOU’RE DOING TO US NOW. 

BUT GUESS WHAT? DO YOU KNOW WHO I SAW WHEN I DIED 7 TIMES???? MIND YOU I GREW UP BUDDHIST BUT I NEVER GOT INTO RELIGION MUCH, BUT IM JUST GOING TO SAY IT ANYWAY, ON THE 7TH NEAR DEATH I ACTUALLY SAW THE MAN. YEP. SOMEONE I NEVER KNEW ABOUT. SOMEONE I WAS NOT FAMILIAR WITH. SO I COULDN’T BELIEVE IN HIM BECAUSE I DIDN’T KNOW THE STORY BEHIND HIM! 

BUT WHAT DO YOU THINK I SAW THE 7TH TIME I DIED EARLIER THIS YEAR????? FOR 3 DAYS I CROSSED OVER AND WAS SHOWN MANY THINGS, THEN ON THE 3RD DAY….. I COULDN’T BELIEVE IT BUT I SAW THE MAN! YEP! THE ONE I DIDN’T USED TO BELIEVE IN BEFORE BUT HE CAME TO ME AND HE IS DEFINITELY REAL!! 

SORRY FOR THIS RANT, BUT SOMETHING JUST HAPPENED AND I JUST CAN’T BE TOO NICE ALL THE TIME TO THOSE EVIL ONES ANYMORE WITH WHAT ELSE I JUST FOUND OUT THEY ARE DOING TO KILL US ALL!! US INNOCENT PEOPLE! HOW DARE YOU!? 

ANYWAY THIS LETTER WAS FOR “THE OTHERS” SO PLEASE DIS-REGARD THIS MESSAGE AS YOU GUYS KNOW I WOULD NEVER SPEAK TO YOU THIS WAY! I AM ON YOUR SIDE NOT THEIRS! PLEASE DIS-REGARD AND DONT WORRY, BUT “THE OTHERS” KNOW EXACTLY WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT! Again I feel horrible for having you guys see me this way, but sometimes when cowards hide, and only watch me from afar, well, the only way I can get my message straight to them is through here. I’m sorry guys hope I didn’t get any of you upset or anything! *HUGS* But “THE OTHERS” ohhh that’s a different story! People in the WHITE HOUSE are even stalking my pages! LOL Yes I know cuz I can track your IP addresses just like you track mine and my phone etc….Tell those Senators in DC I said HI! and Thanks for dropping by my page. Never knew you were such a fan of “TILA TEQUILA” who would have ever thought I’d be your worst nightmare? F*CK YOU! At least I’m not scared to show my face. At least I speak 100% TRUTH even if SOME o the things I say may come off sounding crazy, but at least I’m not afraid and as long as YOU KNOW THAT I KNOW, that is all there needs to be said… for now.. Anyway. 

GOD BLESS! And trust me, at the rate you’re going you’re gonna need some God Blessing your sins hunny! 

Sincerely, 

Miss Tila -The Bitch who annoys the crap out of you cuz I’ll keep calling you out to protect the people that you kill everyday! And oh yea… next time you wanna make a stupid ass amateur video of me being “ANONYMOUS” maybe I wouldn’t laugh so hard if you actually talked on it instead of using some robot who can’t even read! LMAO! Later f*ck heads. Come and get me! As I’m on my tour, at the end of my shows I get on stage, get on the mic and scream out to the crowd “F*CK FACEBOOK, F*CK THE ILLUMINATI, WE ARE HERE AND THEY CAN’T DO SH*T!!!!! Then EVERYONE STARTS CHEERING! I guess there’s a LOT of people that HATE YOUR GUTS RIGHT NOW…. Didn’t take me much to get everyone to cheer while I called you cowards out LIVE, IN PERSON, ON STAGE.. as opposed to HIDING like you do. You’re pathetic beyond belief. Quite laughable at this point hunny!

Tombstone Rodeo

It was a busy last few days for being dead, and I'm not just talking about the 3rd season premiere of The Walking Dead...

There were many passings this weekend that made news, from old television hosts and older politicos, to aspiring athletes and foolish ones, but two stood out to me.  The first was Jose Melena, an employee of Bumble Bee Foods, who died in the most spectacular of ways via industrial accident.  Cal-OSHA had the pleasure of investigating how Melena ended up cooked in an oven, described by the coroner's documents as a "giant murder boiler" "steamer machine".   But fear not fish feeders, the plant will be back open today, so you'll have no break in production or food shortage.  Just make sure you get the cans where they were packed in spring water.

The other death was not as remarkable, but no less satisfying to me. Police said 19-year-old man tagging a three-story building in the Westlake district here in Los Angeles fell to the ground, and was declared brain dead, though I would argue he was brain dead long before that. The incident occurred around 2:30 am, when only good things happen, when the unidentified victim attempted climbing a tree to reach the building in the intersection of Beverly Boulevard and Union Place.  To think, if he had only put that much effort into getting an education and raising his IQ!  He was taken to a hospital, where he later died, and none too soon.  Why so happy about this?  I hate taggers - they have no value in society.  

Weekend Edition

Counting down the top 20 links we didn't cover during the week...

20 • Boyfriend Assaults Girlfriend With Steak Sauce Over Fifty Shades Of Grey - He still got the Wor(ce)st(ershire) of it.

19 • Raccoons Chase, Attack Woman Who Had Just Finished Jogging In Park / Tigers Kill Man Who Scaled Fence At Danish Zoo - It's no different this week...animals are pissed off at humans.

18 • Graphene Miracle #5,347: It Can Repair Itself Entirely Unassisted - Higgs-Boson?  Graphene is the God particle.

17 • Suicide Bomber Kills 7 Of His Own Family In Iraq / Explosive Fireworks Horrifically Severed And Blew Off A Paraplegic's Leg - Two perfect examples of exactly how bad things can go when you shouldn't be playing with explosives.

16 • Microsoft, NBC Dissolve MSNBC.com Joint Venture - No word on who gets custody of Rachel Maddow.

15 • Ohio Diner Owner Dies Hours After Obama Visit / Obama Staffer Dies After Collapsing At Campaign’s Chicago HQ - Our president...the angel of death?

14 • Autistic Man Survives 3-Week Ordeal In Utah Desert - A happy ending to the story, even  though his autism was what got him into trouble.

13 • Nigerian Tanker Explosion, At Least 95 Killed After Crash As People Rush For ‘Free Fuel’ - It's usually a sign that signals a promotion for free gas, not a crash and gallons of it spilling out.

12 • San Bernardino Third California City To Seek Bankruptcy - If only they sold all that meth, they'd be in the black.

11 • 13-Minute Dark Knight Rises Featurette Hits The Movie's Major Characters And Themes / DC Is Just @#$%ing Gonna Give Up On Movies Until 2015 - Get hyped for now!  Because after Batman and Superman, DC has to learn how to make comic characters into film properties.

10 • Flying Robot Makes 3D Map Of Building's Interior - Just like those bots in Prometheus, now with 100% less Engineer dicks.

09 • Immigrants With ‘Gang Tattoos’ Denied U.S. Visas - The easiest way to keep the bad elements out of the country is if they make it obvious.

08 • Rejoice, For Edifi, The First Christian Tablet Is Here! - That damn headline takes all the sarcasm out of my comments on it.

07 • Blind Contestant Completes In Miss Florida - Yet she'll never see how silly pageants are.

06 • Found: Multiple People Combined Into Single Mummies - Who knew that Dr. Frankenstein was over 3,000 years old?

05 • ESPN The Magazine’s 2012 Body Issue Will Make You Appreciate The Athletic Female Form / Ronda Rousey Would 'Beat The Crap Out Of Kim Kardashian' Because Her Fame Came From A Sex Tape - I support hot naked women athletes...especially the ones who want to kick the piss out of a Kardashian.

04 • Scientists Create Molecule To Make Teeth Cavityproof - Great news!  Now all we need is a company to sell it...

03 • Man Dies In Rollover Crash After Running Over Wife In SUV - There's one story every week that makes me smile at it's perfection, and this is it.

02 • Twitter Divides In Response To Daniel Tosh's Rape Joke - Yeah, I'll pick a side and back Team Tosh.  Comedy isn't pretty, but it's still comedy.  And let's keep everything in context.

01 • Auditors Say Billions Likely Wasted In Iraq Work - Was anybody surprised at this?  It's such predictable news that I can't switch from disappointment at being cynically correct to anger over it.

Golden Throat Is No Golden Glove

Sometimes, a headline is beautiful.

"American Idol Scotty McCreery Hit In Throat While Pitching For High School Baseball Team" tells you everything you need to know, and yet still makes you want more.

It's easy to forget the television karaoke star was only a student when he headed to Hollywood with nothing but a smirk and a 50 year-old's voice, because, well, who cares.  But thankfully, he's been thrown back into the media cycle for doing what all young men strive to do: become a star athlete so he could get laid - because letter-men get ass and choirboys don't.

McCreery took the mound for his second varsity baseball star when a one-hopper (that's a term from baseball, and baseball is said to be a sport)  bounced up and hit him directly in the throat during the third inning. Reporters said he "showcased his toughness" by staying in the game and pitching for three more innings, and who can argue?  Everybody knows your throat and pitching arm are connected!

I just wish that some of the American Idol contestants played more aggressive contact sports...

Death By Ridiculous, Part 2 - Hollywood Deep Throat

Hollywood publicist Michael Sands may have been described as “the brains behind Mr. Blackwell’s Worst Dressed List”, but he will be posthumously know as "the throat behind choking to death on a beef sample at a Gelson’s".

According to his son, Sands had narrow airways caused by "chronic obstructive pulmonary disease", which made him more prone to choking.  Apparently, the disease made him unable to chew meat properly before trying to swallow.  From my research, he died as colorfully as he lived.  He claimed to be an undercover CIA operative, though I find it unlikely he helped capture Abu Abbas, the terrorist behind the hijacking of the Achille Lauro cruise ship in 1985.  He also sold designer cheesecakes and appeared partially nude in a picture in People magazine.  And of course, mocking the low-hanging fruit that is celebrity fashion.

Yeah, being in mouth-cramming meat-lust is an appropriate exit when that's your life.

Death By Ridiculous, Part 1 - Black Swan

Anthony Hensley used swans to keep geese away from properties around a Chicago pond...until the geese got the upper hand and turned his friends into foes.

An angry swan is being blamed for knocking Hensley out of his kayak, continuing to attack until he drowned.  The swan reportedly continued to chase Hensley after he fell into the water, and by the time rescuers arrived he had drowned.  CSI (Crime Swan Investigators) believe the man had traveled too close to the swan or swan's nesting area, prompting the attack.  Or perhaps the geese paid $500...well, maybe.

Family and friends are puzzled, likely because they never knew how much if a pussy he was. "Maybe he didn't fight back enough when the swan attacked him," said father-in-law George Koutsogiannis. "Maybe he didn't want to hurt the animal. I can't understand how this was possible.".  Hensley was 37,married, and a father of two.

613 Skaters Have Done This Year What He Can't

Yesterday was a big deal for football, but it was also memorable for hockey fans. It was one year ago that Montreal Canadiens' center Scott Gomez scored his last NHL goal.

Players have had slumps, but none as profound as the one for Gomez, who's last lamp-lighter was the game winner against the New York Rangers. He hasn't been injured or missing games - he's just suckedAs this season has progressed, the lack of scoring has become a phenomenon. A Quebec bar has been offering free drinks when and if Gomez scores.  Songs have been popping up on the interweb.  And DidGomezScore.com provides the cold, hard numbers.

With almost eight minutes before the anniversary, the clock almost got reset.  It was on a power play in the second period the then puck edged past Winnipeg Jets goalie Ondrej Pavelec.  Gomez was a presence at the net, and after a lengthy review, the officials awarded the goal to his teammate Tomas Plekanec. Yeah, it's getting onboard the bad karma wagon to join in the mockery, but for a skater making $7.5 million, a full calendar year without scoring a goal is embarrassing.  That's no better than me, and I'm not even playing...where's my millions?

Spanish Christmas In January

A flaming-horned bull trampled and fatally gored a man during a festival in eastern Spain over the weekend.  You mean, I don't have to wait for the annual culling of the stupid in Pamplona?

The mayor of Navajas said emergency services were unable to save the life of the 45-year-old man who tripped just as the bull was released. My hero The bull, who had large balls of flaming wax affixed it's head, charged the victim, gored him and then stamped on his head, causing "irreversible injuries".  I'll say! 

Unlike other fun runs involving bulls, for the The Feast of Saint Anton, the animals aren't killed in the end. Taking out a stupid human and not being slaughtered in the end?  That's a win-win.

Calgon Arm Candy

It was pretty bad that people are using bath salts as a drug, but karma pays back those who are stupid enough to try it...

The first known case of necrotizing fasciitis aka flesh-eating disease, caused by an injection of bath salts has been reported.  Dr. Russell R. Russo (are you kidding me with that name?) and his colleaguesat the Louisiana State University Health Sciences Center New Orleans School of Medicine (are you kidding me with that name?), treated a 34-year-old women who developed forearm pain and redness after she attended a party. Normally, it would be bruised thighs and a swollen groin, but the only sign a small red puncture wound on her arm.

Eventually, the idiot woman admitted that she injected bath salts two days before her symptoms began, and upon reexamination they determined that she had necrotizing fasciitis. The disease progressed so rapidly that the doctors had to amputate the woman's arm, shoulder and collarbone and perform a radical mastectomy. The women later underwent skin grafting and rehabilitation, but no word if she's getting talking any night classes at the local city college or doing on-line school in order to try and raise her IQ.

There's so many other great drugs available out there which can totally kick your ass and not cause your arm to immediately rot, and I expect more from a 34 year-old.  I can't even be a grumpy old man and say "kids these days"...

iDiot

Getting fake iPads are the new "white vans selling stereos" in a parking lot.

Ashley McDowell has already packed a lot of stupid into her scant 22 years, having fallen for this amazingly obvious scam. She was approached by two men in a South Carolina McDonald's parking lot, where they offered to sell her an iPad for $300. Apparently, these legitimate salesmen who "drove a white Impala with no rims and no tint", and one of which she'd noted "had a gold tooth", were selling iPads they bought them in bulk and were selling them at a discount. Poor Ashley only had $180, but those nice gentlemen gave it to her anyway.

Imagine her surprise when she got home, opened up the Fed Ex box she was given, and found out it was really just a block of wood with an Apple logo painted on the back.

It is a bit of a surprise they bothered to painted a screen and some fake icons on their wood block to make it look like the real deal, considering their scam only held together if suckers like Ashley didn't check the box before forking over their dough.

Puerto Resignito

Only an anti-gay policy leaning Republican could offer such an awesomely absurd non-denial when his nude, ass-spread photos started appearing on gay cruising sites...

Puerto Rico's head senator and 2004 Bush booster (ironic pun?) Roberto Arango told news outlets, "You know I've been losing weight. As I shed that weight, I've been taking pictures. I don't remember taking this particular picture but I'm not gonna say I didn't take it. I'd tell you if I remembered taking the picture, but I don't." Well, then I guess you shouldn't have resigned your position either, but you probably didn't remember posting that to Grindr, so that's just playing it safe, eh? Or maybe not wearing the same iconic necklace is playing it safer.

Adding to the sweet hypocrisy is that Arango previously voted in favor of Resolution 99, a proposal to block any attempt to permit same-sex marriages in Puerto Rico. In the past he has also opposed adoption rights for gay people. Let this be a lesson to those on the Beltway who need to document all the pounds they've been dropping from their inner ass.

Making A Point

On special days like these, sometimes there is a story that just puts me in a good mood. Like the one about Philip A. Contos.

Police say Contos, a motorcyclist participating in a protest ride against helmet laws in upstate New York, died after he flipped over the bike's handlebars and hit his head on the pavement. The 55 year-old was driving a 1983 Harley Davidson with a group of bikers when he hit his brakes and the motorcycle fishtailed. The bike spun out of control, and Contos toppled over the handlebars. He was pronounced dead later at a nearby hospital.

Naturally, state troopers say Contos would have likely survived if he had been wearing a helmet.

To Catch A Hypocrite

I don't source the National Enquirer as being too credible, but with other news organizations picking it up, I have to believe that it's accurate - perv baiter Chris "To Catch a Predator" Hansen has been played at his own schtick.

Hansen (51) has allegedly been having an affair with Florida journalist Kristyn Caddell (30) for the last four months, and last week the two were secretly filmed . His night ended at her Palm Beach apartment (bang!). Hidden cameras tracked the couple as they arrived at the Ritz-Carlton hotel for dinner, and later drove back to her apartment.  The pair left together carrying luggage, the following day.

Though spending time in South Florida investigating the disappearance of James 'Jimmy T' Trindade, Hansen has apparently also been investigating the privates of Kristyn Caddell. I hope it's true, just for the irony. Ah, if only she was 17...

Puerco-Chihuahua Housebreaking

With an army of assistants and entourage in tow, it's no surprise that a diva like Jennifer Lopez lacks the skills to be responsible parent.

Her skinny puppy-looking husband Marc Anthony revealed their technique for getting their kids to use the toilet was by bribing them with lollipops. "In order to potty train them, every time they'd use the toilet we'd give them a lollipop," he said. Brilliant, except they ran out of lollipops in three days, which showed both a commitment to making sure they had succeeded and considerable planning. Finally, it dawned on them that their half-assed attempt at parenting may have not yielded the right results: their three-year-old Max ended up using their swimming pool as his own giant toilet bowl.

"It got into the filtration system and they charged us to clean it," said the proud parents. "He took a $6,000 dump in the pool!" Nice. And now there's no chance that he'll hear about it years later and be totally mortified.

I may not be qualified to fix the components in a pool, but I have been in one, and it's kinda hard for a shit to get into the filters...because it has to get in it. So unless he squatted into the filter itself, how'd it get there? Did it invisibly sneak out of his bathing suit and swim across the pool into the filters? Because it would have to for them - or more realistically their help, not to see it happening and try to stop it. Unless, as I think, the kid was unsupervised at the pool, which is far more likely and wholey more satisfying a story.  But let's not detract from the real magic of a $6000 shit (or in Lopez terms, the equivelent of hundreds of bottles of her perfume) .

Leaving Las Vegas...In A Bodybag

Vanity, I swear you're death's cousin.

A genius woman died over the weekend after a botched buttocks enhancement surgery. This wouldn't normally make news, except that it took place in the back room of a Las Vegas tile business. The Colombian nationals who "performed" the work were later arrested trying to board a plane back to that country. At least these malpracticioners bothered to get a hotel room.

Elena Caro's cause of death was not immediately determined, as the investigation and toxicology tests are ongoing, but is "foreign object to the butt" possibility? The facial botox injections Ruben Dario Matallana-Galvas (55) and Carmen Olfidia Torres-Sanchez (47) had given Caro (who also used the name Maria Orrozco) the week prior miraculously had no problems, so after she walked out of the procedure, why would they have had any concerns?

Elizabeth Flores, an aide to Mattalana-Galvas, got the call that something had gone wrong, so she had her husband drive Mattalana-Galvas and Torres-Sanchez to the airport, the police report said. Congrats on your aiding and abetting!

Caro's underage daughter, Janet Villalovos, shared she told Matallana-Galvas to take care of her mother when she dropped her off for the procedure. "He told me everything's going to be fine, don't worry," Villalovos said. This is shocking, right? And wouldn't you know it that the Nevada State Board of Medical Examiners had no files or credentials on either of the "doctors".

Caro. Mattalana-Galvas.Torres-Sanchez. Villalovos. Orrozco. I can't keep all of it straight...it's like watching a soccer match.

Berry Very Heaveh

"CBS 2 affiliate reporter Serene Branson did not have a stroke live on air while reporting on the Grammys Sunday night", media sources reported, but you wouldn't know it from watching the tape.

A Night At The Cockfights

Part of the fun of going to a sporting even is catching a fly ball or getting hit with an errant puck in the stands. And sometimes, you get stabbed in the leg by a bird at an illegal cockfight.

Jose Luis Ochoa (35) was declared dead about two hours after he was injured in neighboring Tulare County (central California, give it up!). The autopsy concluded Ochoa died of an accidental “sharp force injury” to his right calf. Because there is no deliberate sharp force injury to your calf at a cockfight.

Ochoa and other spectators fled when authorities arrived at the scene of the fight. Deputies found five dead roosters and "other evidence of cockfighting at the location", which is curious given that dead roosters is the best indicator of cockfighting. Clearly, having front row seats to the cockfight is exciting until you're face to face calf to claw with an fighting bird.

Said Vince at Film Drunk (who posted the story), "Yeah, I bet they considered shutting down Project Mayhem after that one."

Dead Ass Dumbass

Police questioned a New Jersey woman and sought a second person in the case of a London woman who died after receiving cosmetic injections in her buttocks at a hotel near Philadelphia International Airport. And I thought it was only dentistry that was lacking in England...

Police believe the woman was the coordinator of buttocks and hip enlargements for the victim, Claudia Aderotimi (20), and another woman, communicating with them overseas to set up the visit.

Aderotimi died at a hospital after suffering from chest pains and breathing trouble. She flew from London to Philadelphia on Saturday with three other women. One friend had a similar cosmetic procedure and the other two went shopping in New York. Aderotimi received injections only to her buttocks. The surviving woman, who was not hospitalized, received hip and buttocks injections. Investigators were not sure why the women came to Philadelphia to undergo the procedures, but clearly an airport hotel should have been a tip off that it may not have been a good idea.

The medical examiner could spend several weeks before toxicology test results are complete to determine what killed Aderotimi. It is reminiscent of the story of former Miss Argentina Solange Magnano, who I noted died from butt injections in 2009. Like the annual bull goring stories from Pampalona, I do enjoy sharing tales of people who get themselves killed in pursuit of their own vanity and ego.