Best of the week: All she wants for Christmas is her two front teeth...back.An aerialist performing during a holiday show at the Beverly Center mall (here in LA) was injured and hospitalized after falling to the shopping center floor, authorities said. One witness said the performer appeared to fall about 40 feet -- from the third level of the shopping center to the first. That's how you avoid the escalator lines!
The 26-year-old woman slipped while she was hanging upside down from a solid metal hoop suspended from the ceiling during the finale of the show "Hunky Santa and the Candy Cane Girls," said Ray Pierce, owner of Hollywood Aerial Arts, the firm putting on the performance. Hunky Santa was not injured.
She managed to turn herself right side up before falling, injuring her wrist and pelvis. She was not wearing a harness, and there were no nets to break her fall. However, a video projection cube was. "She's a total pro, for some reason she slipped in this one move," Pierce said. I question her pro status - the one move she should have mastered was not falling off her metal hoop. Susan Vance, marketing and sponsorship director for the mall and imbecile (you'll see why in a moment), called the fall an “isolated incident.” No shit...if it was raining performed I think we'd know. “She’s been evaluated and is doing well,” she said. “These are all world-class performers, they do this all the time. It was a human error, basically." You've done enough, now shut the fuck up.
The show, which began as a holiday promotion to boost sales, features aerial performers, wearing sparkly red outfits, suspended up to 80 feet up inside the mall. Pierce said the aerialist had been with the company for five years and had performed around the globe for 15 years.
He said the firm would be reviewing tapes of the performance, which was halted after the accident. A total of 60 performances were planned and they would resume by the end of the week.
Wanna see it? Of course you do.
Also: Court officials say a Birmingham woman who changed her name to Jesus Christ didn't live up to it when she reported for jury duty this week.You mean, she wasn't the Son Of Man and looked like a hippie?
The woman, previously named Dorothy Lola Killingworth, was sent to Judge Clyde Jones's courtroom for a criminal case. Court officials told The Birmingham News that the 59-year-old was excused because she was disruptive and kept asking questions instead of answering them.
Court administrator Sandra Turner said people there were shocked when the woman insisted her name was Jesus Christ and some potential jurors laughed out loud when her name was called. But Turner said unlike some Jefferson County residents, Christ didn't try to get out of jury duty and was "perfectly happy to serve." Well, except for the disrupting part and avoidance of those questions...
Efforts to reach Christ for comment were unsuccessful. Maybe they should pray, or go to church.
Plus: How's this for a headline - "Former Miss Argentina Dies After Botched Butt Surgery". Couldn't pass that up.
Beauty queen Solange Magnano, who won the title in 1994, died after experiencing complications following a botched operation to boost her buttocks. That's so stupid, she deserves to die.
The former Miss Argentina (38) underwent butt implant surgery in Buenos Aires just before Thanksgiving, and suffered a pulmonary embolism - a blocked artery - the following day after undergoing a gluteoplasty. Her close pal, fashion designer Roberto Piazza, revealed the tragedy happened when liquid injected into Magnano's backside "went to her lungs and brain". She was pronounced dead on Sunday.Piazza adds, "A woman who had everything lost her life to have a slightly firmer behind." Yes, and that was her choice, the worst and last of her life. Police have since launched an investigation into her death, but if they check for ass fluid, they'll find it's not where it should be and was the culprit.
And: Want a peek into Tiger Woods' erotic dream life? Try to keep your food down.
It involves one of his "alleged" mistresses Rachel Uchitel -- in a menage a trois with New York Yankees Derek Jeter and Bones actor David Boreanaz. Yep, here comes the dry heaves.
Us Weekly reports that NYC club manager Uchitel (34) bragged to friends of her flings with the rich and famous -- Uchitel's conquests apparently included Woods plus Ryan Seacrest, Jeter and the married Boreanaz. Yes, it's already questionable with the name of Seacrest in there...
A boastful Uchitel allegedly forwarded along a bizarre, extremely private email from Woods, 33, in which he referenced her famous flings. "I had a dream we were married and I was leading the tournament," Woods reportedly wrote. "I came home, excited to see you, and there you were in the bedroom getting fucked by Derek and David [Boreanaz]. Some part of me thinks you would like that. Now I can't get back to sleep. My body is tired, but my mind is awake. Need an Ambien."
I'm going to need something much stronger to try and erase those images.
Best picture of the week:
When news happens, they make have it first.
Best bonus links:
• Residents Smell Foul Odor In San Fernando Valley - It was later determined to be Van Nuys.
• Man 'Finishes' World Of Warcraft - Now he can move on to his other goals of moving out of his parent's basement and losing his virginity.
• Iran Whistleblower Died From Drug-Laced Salad - Dually proving that nobody likes a snitch, or a vegetarian.
• Florida Judge Wants Footage In 'Girls Gone Wild' Suit - He will be in the judges chambers reviewing them thoroughly, and asked not to be disturbed
Worst of the week: A different approach to "oral" hygiene.
Jen Phillips at Mother Jones found herself with the proposition of sweetening her delicates.
I recently got a press release from the makers of Linger, an "internal feminine flavoring" that promises to keep your vagina in mint condition. Think of it as an Altoid for your lady parts or, as its website explains, "A small, naturally sweetened flavoring, free of artificial dyes, which was created to flavor the secretions of a woman when she is sexually aroused." What...the...?!
So where did the idea for this curiously wrong mint come from? Linger's website (a little NSFW) offers up a wondrous, romantic tale about the supposed discoverer of femimint hygiene, an unnamed woman who was seduced in India by a man with skin "the color of caramel." He quelled her fears of tasting bad "down there" with a mysterious, Eastern mint. "When I returned to the States, I brought the tingly sweet tasting mint with me," she writes. I've requested an interview with this mysterious entrepreneur, but have yet to speak with her. However, Linger's PR guy did send me a sample—made in exotic New Jersey. But that was just my first taste of disappointment.
My tin of Linger looked a lot like one of those tins of mints that are given away at trade shows. And guess what? That's what it is. A little digging revealed that Linger is made/distributed by a company called Admints, which just happens to make trade show mints. And the Linger samples just happen to have have the exact same shape, taste, and ingredients as Admint's sample mints. So how does Linger manage to pass off breath mints as vaginal Tic Tacs in $7.99 packs? Despite the salacious creation story and testimonials on its site ("It gets a little warm as it starts to dissolve which took just under an hour. Then, it is SO good!!"), the mint is labeled "for novelty use only."
This is a common practice in the sex-products industry, explains Charlie Glickman, the education program manager at Good Vibrations. It gives manufacturers some cover if something goes awry, he explains. "They could say, 'It's just a novelty toy. You weren't actually expecting to use this were you?'" And if you actually do expect to use Linger to "flavor the woman in a manner that is safe and effective," be warned: its primary ingredient is sugar, which is not safe for the vagina. It messes up the pH and can lead to a really painful yeast infection, a condition that definitely doesn't make someone want to "linger."
Minty fresh is fine for your breath, but if you've got some less than inviting smells, you better hit the shower and use lots of soap.
Also: Every year Babs Walters picks the "most interesting people of the year" for her interview special, and this year they say the list is "little edgier, more current and less obvious than usual"
Absolute bullshit.
Kate Gosselin, Sarah Palin, Lady Gaga, Glenn Beck, Tyler Perry, Adam Lambert, Brett Favre, Jenny Sanford, Paris, Prince Michael and Prince Michael II Jackson, plus a mystery guest. they are far less the most interesting as they are the most fawned over by the likes of People magazine, OMG!, and Perez Hilton. These are all pretty much tabloid fodder personalities.
Not that hard hitting journalism and Barbara Walters ever belonged in the same sentence, but these are fluff pieces on the most despised people in the country - and yes, even if you are on the wrong side of that you have to at least admit how many are absolutely enraged by the unnecessary attention and focus is given to many of these celebrity non-entities. If there were no water coolers in America there'd be absolutely no mention of most of them, and look at the staggering lack of intellect staging those conversations too.
Kate Gosselin is unfit to be a mother eight times over, and that doesn't even touch upon her failures as a likable human. Sarah Palin is when a joke goes too far. Lady Gaga is a fameseeking attention whore who is nowhere as innovating or inventive as she thinks she is. Glenn Beck is an evil, lying sack if shit that somehow managed to get on television to spew his venom. Tyler Perry has made an empire off crappy film and television that has only shown us how low the bar is for entertaining a part of the masses. Adam Lambert is more interesting in being a gay entertainer and an entertainer who is gay. Brett Favre has made his cry wolf routine outshine his abilities. Jenny Sanford has the limelight on her because her creep husband cheated on her and fucked the taxpayers and voted as a bonus. Paris, Prince Michael and Prince Michael II Jackson may or may not be the offspring of their circus sideshow father, but are the only untapped, unexploited resource in his legacy.
Surely you're better off not turning on the television.
Worst picture of the week:
Maybe it's a good thing that print dies out.
• Natalie Portman: 'I Didn't Touch Pot Till My 20s' / Video: Alleged Pot-Smoking Monroe On Film - A dead celebrity smoked pot? A present one waited a few years longer than others to try. It's neither startling nor newsworthy.
• Jenny McCarthy: 'I'm Soon To Be A Grandma!' - No, you're not. Especially when your boyfriend's daughter is the one who is pregnant.
• Some Kids Still Swallowing Soda Can Safety Tabs - Some kids are still too stupid to live...this is natural selection.
• Latin America's First Gay Marriage Thwarted - That seems like it worked to easily. Perhaps if they want to keep illegal aliens out, perhaps they should line the border with gay marriage.
• Regis Philbin Has Hip Replacement Surgery - Sorry, but nothing is going to make him hip.
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