'Twas The Weekend Before Christmas

All I want to know is what happened to 2009? Damn that went fast. And I totally wasn't taking any drugs that would have left gaping holes in my memory either.

Best of the week: A Christmas Story!

You can watch the news clip here, but it's way more awesome to read the tale of Hayden Wright.

April Wright is 21 and is going through a divorce, and she's not sure how her 4-year-old managed to get out of the house, open a beer, and steal the neighbors presents from under their tree. Nope, it's not Florida...it's Tennessee!

Hayden Wright, was found around 1:45 am Tuesday, wandering the streets of his neighborhood. The police report says the child had to be taken to the hospital to be treated for alcohol consumption. April Wright said her "biggest concern was him being out there, getting kidnapped, getting run over, the alcohol, having to have his stomach pumped." Clearly, being a pregnant 17 year old and divorced by the drinking age was not a concern anymore.

Wright says she woke up that night at 1:45 am and panicked when she found Hayden was gone. She says she put safety devices on all the doors so her kids couldn't get out, but Hayden was able to break the safety device off the doorknob and get outside. I don't know what shitshack she lives in, but there are these things called locks - not "doorknob safety devices", and they tend to keep kids out - or in, if you use them right. Once out, Wright says her four year old followed his father's footsteps and was found on Blue Spruce Road, drinking. I wish I could make my father that proud.

"He runs away trying to find his father," she said. "He wants to get in trouble so he can go to jail because that's where his daddy is." You raised a hell of a kid, lady, and now you can move on to other things, like killing yourself before you breed again - which is a near certainty for you.

The Hamilton County Sheriff's Office report says Hayden rang the doorbell a few houses down and the neighbor answered, finding the child holding a partially consumeed 12-ounce beer. Wright said, "He got it out of my father's cooler (what stereotype is untouched in this story?)in the back and how he got it open I don't understand because it was one of those tab beers." You think that when you're piss drunk, you're capable of doing anything more difficult than a 4-year-old? There's your answer.

But it doesn't stop there. The report said Hayden then snuck into a neighbor's house through an unlocked front door, and stole five wrapped Christmas gifts. One was a girl's brown dress which Hayden was wearing when police found him. What the fuck? Thanks, shitty neighbor...just send my kid on his way when he rings the doorbell in the middle of the night and is carrying a beer.

"Going to the neighbor's house and taking their presents, very embarrassing," said April.

She admits she was not just embarrassed, but scared, and rushed to the hospital that night with Hayden. She said she tries to be a good mother and loves her son, but now feels like a failure. She's right! Wright did meet with child protective services today who told her she will get to keep custody of Hayden. Expect the kid dead within a year, or a teen pregnancy / abused girlfriend tale when the kid hits 16.

I didn’t get into drinking, burglary and cross-dressing until I was a freshman in college. Ask JCG - he'll confirm all of it (and was an accomplice).

Also: The estimated time when whites will no longer make up the majority of Americans has been pushed back eight years — to 2050 — because the recession and stricter immigration policies have slowed the flow of foreigners into the U.S. Also, those Duggars plopped out a 19th kid and are starting to be grandparents.

This changes last year's prediction that white children would become a minority in 2023 and the overall white population would follow in 2042, so if you want your children to learn English in schools, best have them soon. The 2050 estimate is one of four projections released that is based on rates for births and deaths and a scenario in which immigration continues its more recent, slower pace of adding nearly 1 million new foreigners each year. Demographers said that scenario offers the best look for now at the future demographic makeup based on current conditions, rather than other models which assume higher rates of immigration.

The United States has 308 million people today; two-thirds are non-Hispanic whites. Is there such as thing has a Hispanic white? Other than Ned "Carlos Mencia" Holness? The total population should climb to 399 million by 2050, under the new projection, with whites making up 49.9% of the population. Blacks will make up 12.2%, virtually unchanged from today (so much fro progress, eh). Hispanics, currently 15% of the population, will rise to 28 percent in 2050. I know it's not something in the water, because you can't drink the water...so stop fucking! Asians are expected to increase from 4.4% of the population to 6%.

The population 85 and older is projected to more than triple by 2050, to 18.6 million. The actual shift in demographics will be influenced by a host of factors that can't be accurately forecast — the pace of the economic recovery, cultural changes, war with Skynet, natural disasters, as well as an overhaul of immigration law, which may be debated in Congress as early as next year. As a result, the Census Bureau said the projections should be used mostly as a guide.

Under a purely theoretical (read: Republican prayers) "zero immigration" scenario in which the U.S. effectively does not take in any immigrants, whites would remain the majority in 2050, making up a solid 58% of the U.S. population. In such a case, the share of Hispanics would increase to 21%. Under a "zero immigration" model, the 65 and older population also grows substantially faster, comprising nearly 1 in 4 Americans.

Plus: The Chinese police captain who named his subordinate a "martyr" after he died from a drinking binge has been suspended. Also to be recinded, the Medal Of Valor for the officer who unclogged the toilet at the station house.

Traffic officer Chen Lusheng (lush...that's rich) was off-duty when he attended a banquet with officials in late October. After repeated toasts, he vomited and passed out on a couch, where he suffocated. At college, he'd be called a freshman.

His captain, Xie Feiyong, attempted to declare Chen a martyr, in order to get higher compensation for his family and possibly to avert any investigation into his death. He was suspended from duty on Tuesday. Shenzhen police told local media the policeman was a victim of China's infamous Chinese business banquet ganbei or "bottoms up" culture, where diners attempt to out-drink each other to gain concessions. They did not explain why Chen was attending the banquet in the first place.

Forced drinking is so widespread that workplace injuries regulations in the southwestern city of Chongqing were recently amended to classify deaths caused by drinking as "workplace accidents" bosses send staff out drinking for business. Man, workers comp fees must be through the roof! Xie argued that Chen died in a work-related incident and that there was nothing wrong in wanting to leave behind a glorious legacy for his colleague. And this is the same country that has poisonous food and toxic medicine (referenced so many times on this site you can find your own damn links)

The application for the posthumous honor was denied by the District Brigade, on grounds that Chen died neither in the line of duty nor during work hours. That didn't stop Chen's family from demanding $703,200 in compensation because their son was a little bitch who couldn't hold his liquor.

And: A Costco in Utah pulled tomatoes off the shelves during a visit by Sarah Palin, after the Alaska Governor was pelted with the fruit on a stop at the Mall of America. Surely there's got to be something else in that giant warehouse we can throw at her?

Shoppers at the Salt Lake City Costco to do some shopping were mostly unaware that Palin was scheduled to be there for a book signing, and a store said the tomatoes were taken off the shelves for a few hours. Management at the Costco was determined it wouldn't happen there. You may have won this round Costco, but you can't keep people from bringing their own vegetables. Or hurling poo like a monkey.

Best picture of the week:

Hi there Nicole Cocaineman

Bonus picture:

totally impractical and posed, but hilarious

Best bonus links:
• Magna: Dreamed Or Dreamt - A sweet little performance shot in the aftermath of the Krampus-eselsraub
• CA Man Convicted Of Throwing Wife Off Cliff - It was the 13 day itch.
• VT Court Eyes Value Of Love Of Man's Best Friend - Here's a simple test of dog and woman: lock both in your trunk for a few hours, and see who's still happy to see you open it.
• Man Delivers Baby With Instructions Found On Internet - Coincidentally, he found a lot of info about how to make one on the interweb too.

Worst of the week: There is a movie coming out, and it is called Avatar.

Why so bent over the movie that the media is saying will change filmaking and what was already being called the biggest movie of 2009 over a year ago? (For the record, the I think there's some competition from Anal Acrobats 4).

Simple...overkill.

Catch a glimpse of an image or two, and it looks kinda cool - but if you see it more than once it starts to lose it's magic. And then you wonder why it took so long for James Cameron to make this movie. He's a technical genius, but after more than a decade, there's some letdowns.

Like the rehased story elements, for example. Cameron himself admits to a connection to At Play In The Fields Of The Lord and The Emerald Forest, which feature clashes between cultures and civilizations, and acknowledged the film's connection with Dances With Wolves, where a battered soldier finds himself drawn to the tribal culture he was initially fighting against. It's also in the same vein as ainmated films like Fern Gully and Pocahontas. Even the elements of that in Apocalypse Now where Kurtz goes native are embedded within more complex themes. You've also got a long road to cover with the parallels to literature, starting with Poul Anderson's 1957 short story Call Me Joe, where a paralyzed man uses his mind to remotely control an alien body.

Also, the big deal in the story is "unobtainium", the rare element that coincidentally hapens to be under the alien homestead. Yes, they went that way. I'm okay with Jolt cola having a moniker that describes the contents, but unobtainium is just fucking stupid, no matter how you slice it. May as well have called it impossiblium or rarellium if you're just going to do that. At least going to ludicrous speed was funny. The only way I figure Giovanni Ribisi can even say unobtainium with a straight face is because he's a Scientologist, and they have to buy into even more ridiculous shit than that.

And then there's the straight rip off of other elements. Sure, science fiction canabalizes itself and recycles portions, but using visual and stylistic elements take the luster off the design. Especially when they're painfully similar to what was the biggest animated flop ever, Delgo.

First of all, both films have heroic male leads who sprint through woodsy shadows in foreign lands.

Both films feature tough but emotional female leads.

Both films feature those female leads (among others) flying on the backs of winged reptilian beasts.


Both films feature aircraft zooming through fields of massive floating rocks.

Both films feature big, scary, fanged monsters of various types threatening their heroes.

Both films feature alien warriors uncorking their fiercest battle cries.

And both films feature all of the above as individual hurdles in the undying quest for love.

Oh, and both films harbored ambition and vision that required the better part of a decade to produce. Coincidence? If the Enterprise and Millenium Falcon looked the same, both franchises would be dead. Knowing that there's something so similar doesn't garner any excitement for the film. Sure, I'll take advantage if the THX, 3-D IMAX screening and watch the most robust version they're putting out, but that's incredibly low on my list of things to do.

Also: Tiger Woods > 9/11

Today was an especially dubious day for Tiger Woods. It wasn't just that TAG Heuer dropped him or that more skanks and their outrageous claims popped up. It was the 20th consecutive day that Tiger Woods news made the front cover (not the sports page cover) of the New York Post.

The last event to make the tabloids front page 19 straight times? The 9/11 attacks. Those were a pretty big deal, right?

The "Fall of Tiger Woods" keeps afloat somehow like a shitty beach ball in a baseball stadium. when will security grab it? The Post is barely considered journalism anyway, but seriously? Can't we let OJ out so he can commit another crime and reclaim the alpha tragic black athelete crown?

Plus: The growing number of contractors in Afghanistan is outpacing the ability to oversee them, raising concerns that the waste and fraud that marred the U.S. mission in Iraq will be repeated. A manufactured war by Bush-era profiteers might be lining the pockets of their constiuents? What a shock.

There are already more than 100,000 Defense Department contractors in Afghanistan and that figure could grow to 160,000 to support the surge of U.S. troops ordered by President Barack Obama earlier this month. Evidence suggests that the hard lessons learned in Iraq are not being applied in Afghanistan.

The Defense Contract Audit Agency has examined $5.9 billion in Afghanistan troop support contracts and determined that $950 million of the expenses were unreasonable or lacked adequate documentation to support them, according to a memo distributed to Senate subcommittee members. That's nearly one of every six dollars, math whizes.

There are also too few contract managers and oversight personnel overseeing spending in Afghanistan by the Defense Department and other U.S. agencies, according to the staff memo. The hiring budget for the defense audit agency has remained "relatively stagnant" as spending in Afghanistan increases. Overall, the Defense and State Departments and the U.S. Agency for International Development have spent more than $23 billion on contracts in Afghanistan since 2002, the subcommittee said.

Dick Cheney is worse than Osama Bin Laden, and the real kicker is we know where Cheney is and nobody has killed him.

And: Speaking of losing the war on terror....insurgents in Iraq and Afghanistan have hacked into live video feeds from Predator drones. Oops.

Though militants could see the video, there is no evidence they were able to jam the electronic signals from the unmanned aerial craft or take control of the vehicles, a senior defense official said. I guess they'll get to watch their last moments before a missile blasts them. But obtaining the video feeds can provide insurgents with critical information about what the military may be targeting, including buildings, roads and other facilities.

Shiite fighters in Iraq used off-the-shelf software programs such as SkyGrabber — available for as little as $25.95 on the Internet — to regularly capture drone video feeds. The interception, first done there at least a year ago, was possible because the remotely flown planes had unprotected communications links. Within the last several months, the military has found evidence of at least one instance where insurgents in Afghanistan also monitored U.S. drone video, a second defense official said. He had no details on how many times it was done in Afghanistan or by which group.

The Defense Department has addressed the issue, and is working to encrypt all of its drone video feeds from Iraq, Afghanistan and Pakistan. One defense official noted that upgrading the encryption in the drones is a lengthy process because there are at least 600 unmanned vehicles along with thousands of ground stations to address. "This was just one of the signals, a broadcast signal, and there was no hacking. It is the interception of a broadcast signal," they said. The problem is that when the drones were first being developed they were using commercial equipment, which as time goes on could become vulnerable to intercepts.

In December 2008, the military apprehended a Shiite militant in Iraq whose laptop contained files of intercepted drone video feeds, and in July, they found pirated feeds on other militant laptops. The military has known about the vulnerability for more than a decade, but assumed adversaries would not be able to exploit it. And that's the same reasoning the made security offficals not think lightning would strike the WTC three times.

Worst picture(s) of the week:

Spencer Pratt, you're a fag.

Worst bonus links:
• Poland: Auschwitz 'Arbeit Macht Frei' sign stolen - You can take apart the camp, but you can never erase history.
• Kids' Swine Flu Shots Recalled; Not Strong Enough - Ask any of those kids getting a needle in the arm and they'll tell you it's strong enough.
• R.I.P. Alien Screenwriter Dan O'Bannon - Via con Dios, Pinback.
• Kevin Costner Marks 20th Anniversary Of Field Of Dreams - He had a sub sandwich and took a nap that day. And wished his career was as big as it was 20 years ago.
• Bengals' Henry Dies Day After Dispute - To be correct, it wasn't the dispute that killed him, it was falling out of the back of a moving truck.