C.I.A. - Clandestine Inappropriate Affairs

Even the most brilliantly accomplished men are still derailed by their dicks.

CIA Director David Petraeus resigned his post today, siting "extremely poor judgment by engaging in an extramarital affair". The former four star Army general, credited with the successful Iraqi "surge" campaign, and eventual commander of American forces in Afghanistan fucked himself by fucking someone other than his wife. Said the intelligence chief who showed very little:

"Yesterday afternoon, I went to the White House and asked the President to be allowed, for personal reasons, to resign from my position as D/CIA. After being married for over 37 years, I showed extremely poor judgment by engaging in an extramarital affair. Such behavior is unacceptable, both as a husband and as the leader of an organization such as ours," he said. "This afternoon, the President graciously accepted my resignation."

Just a year into his CIA post, Petraeus is now going to have to ditch any hopes of a presidential campaign, which was looking favorable until this afternoon. As the story broke, the other woman turned out to be Paula Broadwell, who was embedded (puns ahoy) with him in Afghanistan as his biographer. Not a bad piece of ass when you're in a Middle Eastern hellhole and thousands of miles away from your wife (who by comparison looks like this), but still unacceptable. Broadwell turns out to be - for the time being - married, and a mother of two.

The story is still surfacing, but word is that the FBI was investigating a possibly hacked computer used by Petraeus, which in the course of that inquiry led federal investigators to discover the relationship. As the head spymaster, you've got to do a better job of burying your affairs! It is a shame to have a Felix Baumgartner-sized fall from grace for a little strange, but if you're going to do that kinda stuff, it's got to stay secret. You don't pay whores for the sex, you pay them to leave and keep their mouths shut.

Even Comics Don't Believe In Print Media

It's not just Newsweek that feels publishing is not what it used to be...

As of Superman issue 13 (which hits stores tomorrow), Clark Kent, quits the The Daily Planet, the Metropolis newspaper that has been his employer since the 1940's. Shouldn't he have received his pension already?  Yes, we could talk about reading a text message about Lois Lane and her new boyfriend, or a "new Kryptonian threat" named H'el (for the silly-titled upcoming storline "H'el On Earth" - zoinks that's clever!)

In what is supposed to be a Jerry Maguire-esque moment, and prompted by his boss and the owner of the newspaper getting on his case, Superman quits in front of the whole staff.  Writer Scott Lobdell says, "This is really what happens when a 27-year-old guy is behind a desk and he has to take instruction from a larger conglomerate with concerns that aren't really his own.  Superman is arguably the most powerful person on the planet, but how long can he sit at his desk with someone breathing down his neck and treating him like the least important person in the world?"  So when did comic books become less about capes and tights, and turn into TPS reports? 

"Clark's situation is one most any working stiff can relate to, when they've had enough and don't want to take it anymore. And the superhero, who became a journalist in the first place because he wanted to speak out on things he couldn't as Superman, has been in this awkward position of everything he's writing is certainly a shading to keep his identity secret," Lobdell added.  "Rather than Clark be this clownish suit that Superman puts on, we're going to really see Clark come into his own in the next few years as far as being a guy who takes to the Internet and to the airwaves and starts speaking an unvarnished truth - he is more likely to start the next Huffington Post or the next Drudge Report than he is to go find someone else to get assignments or draw a paycheck from." Holy shit, that is ridiculous!

After a long love affair with comics, I found myself less interested in them - though I still have a soft spot for some of those costumed characters.  And even though DC Comics tend to be shitty in comparison to Marvel (my heroes of choice), this is lame no matter who the publisher is.  I read the issue in question, and it is retarded.  There's no need for Clark Kent to be concerned about his cover identity, or paying rent in a place with buddy Jimmy Olsen when the first few pages of the story have him in a secret facility near the center of the earth bench pressing 5.972 sextillion metric tons (the approximate weight of the planet)...for five days straight.  Really.  On those opening panels alone, the rest of the story and premise for Superman to even be Clark Kent is senseless.  But hey, at least he's hip enough to see how outdated publishing is - even if unnecessarily updating the character is anything but hip.

Cap / Bucky 2012?

If you though that Obama or Romney were your only two choices at the polls this year, think again!

Apparently, good ol' Captain America is throwing his shield hat into the ring, and makes the Oval Office his new HQ. In "The Ultimates" series, set in an alternative Marvel universe, super-soldier Steve Rogers wins the presidential election as a write-in candidate .  The issue comes out next Wednesday, and writer Sam Humphries calls it the next step in the character's long role as "America's defender".  Hmmm....as a long time geek and comic reader, I call it stupid.

"Cap is answering the call of the people. This is not the first time he's stood up for an America in crisis. This is a further evolution in his role as America's defender, from soldier to superhero to president," Humphries said. "He didn't ask for this position, but if it helps him reunite America, then he'll take on the job.  He doesn't see his place as having press conferences in rose gardens, he sees his place as out in the field - this will result in a unique and thrilling presidency we've never seen before, in history or in fiction."

Um...still pretty stupid.  I loves me some Captain America, and for well over 25 years there have been all kinds of comic story lines that bordered on the silly or strange, it never sounded this ridiculous.  Yes, we have to suspend our disbelief that a guy could get a government-sized does of steroids and survive decades in suspended animation, only to throw his shield at villains while wearing star-spangled tights, but we have to draw the line somewhere.  Even in a comic book world, having the president go kick some ass instead of, well, any other proper channel of authority and legal means of justice, I'm sorry, but that's too goddamn lame.

The farthest I'll go is to accept Vladimir Putin.

Steers Of Fury

My God I can't believe how time flies!  We're already at this year's annual IQ test in Pamplona!

One elderly "thrill-seeker" was gored in a leg and five others slightly injured in the first running of the bulls of this year's San Fermin festival.  Officials said one youth got the top of his shirt and kerchief caught on a bull's horn, inches from his face, and was dragged several yards along the ground, but was seen to get up and run away. Damn it, what a tease!  The gored runner was a 73-year-old Pamplona resident, which is interesting because you'd think grandpa would know better living there, but hey, maybe he wanted suicide by bull.  If so, then I then support him in his cause.

This year's path to the ring took two minutes and 53 seconds, a relatively lax time for the 928 yard length, and 23 seconds slower than last year. These bulls are not angry enough, and not in any hurry, which they need to be.  I want a record breaking charge to the ring!  That will surely get some folks trampled or seriously harmed, which is fine by me.

Camofucked

In the Armed Forces, you're trained to think and act like a group, and uniform means more than just the clothes you wear.  Except when it makes you stand out.

The Army is changing it's clothes, and no, blood is not the new black.  Over the next year, the pixelated "Universal Camouflage Pattern" design that debuted in 2004 at a cost of $5 billion is being phased out, eliminating one of the largest mistakes they'e made (sorry, clothes only - not land wars in Asia).  Soldiers have roundly criticized the gray-green uniform for standing out almost everywhere it’s been worn and called the pattern a fiasco.

To eliminate the problem caused by , textile technologists (that's a real job?) at the Army research center in Natick, MA are testing new armed forces camouflage patterns are made. Currently, four patterns are going through a rigorous battery of tests to give soldiers patterns suitable for different environments, plus a single neutral pattern.  These will eventually make it's way beyond uniforms and onto body armor and other gear, and the selection will involve hundreds of computer trials as well on-the-ground testing at half a dozen locations around the world. Until then, soldiers are using a greenish, blended replacement called MultiCam as a temporary fix.

The Army’s camouflage researchers (wow, that's also a job?) say UPC pattern’s origins begins when they helped develop a similarly pixilated camouflage now worn by the Marine Corps called MARPAT in 2002.  At that time, the Army was looking for a new camouflage pattern that would solve the problem in Iraq on not having enough desert-specific gear to go around.  The plan was to spend two years testing patterns and color schemes from different angles and distances and in different environments, including a precursor design of Multi-Cam. The results and best design never made it onto the battlefield, due in part to the Program Executive Office Soldier - a branch of the Army in charge of equipping soldiers with gear, who made the camouflage team to pick a pattern long before trials were finished.

They ordered the researchers to take the winning colors and “basically put it in the Marine Corps pattern."   The brigadier general ultimately responsible for the decision, James Moran, who retired from the Army after leaving Program Executive Office Soldier, has not publicly  responded regarding the decision.  Though many folks want the truth about the camo choice, it is believed they can't handle the truth...

Noctomom?

I'm going to take the high road as best I can for this post, but you can all make your own cringe-worthy comments about the latest woman in line to birth a litter of children.

Karla Vanessa Perez, lives in Coahuila (Mexico), which borders Texas, is said to be one month away from giving birth to 6 girls and 3 boys, and just like Nadya Suleman, Perez said she had fertility treatments leading to the multiple pregnancy.  Mexico's Notimex news agency (who I'm sure is totally reputable) reported the story, but like a Mexican soap opera, there has to be a stunning twist, and that's a report from Univision.

The channel claims a reporter spoke with a Mexican doctor who performed an ultrasound on Perez, and determined her uterus was "empty."  I think they could have also said a reporter "spoke" to a "Mexican doctor" who "performed an ultrasound" on Perez and determined her uterus was empty, and it could be equally accurate.  I'm not sure if she's telling the truth or just a fat bitch, but I think we can all agree when it comes to kids, eight is enough.

Lazy Drinkers

Six teenagers have shown up in two San Fernando Valley emergency rooms in the last few months with alcohol poisoning after drinking hand sanitizer.  Fuck, kids are stupid.

Public health officials are worried this is the start of a dangerous trend, though I see it as a great way for Darwinism to take effect. Some of the teenagers used salt to separate the alcohol from the sanitizer to convert it into a potent drink similar to a shot of hard liquor. But I wonder how they can figure out how to distill their hand-wipe moonshine but not actually get their hands on actual liquor.

Liquid hand sanitizer is typically 62% ethyl alcohol and is the equivalent of 120-proof liquid, and follows other over-the-counter items like mouthwash, cough syrup and vanilla extract that kids have tried to get wasted on.  Most people are too young to remember to foolish attempts to get high smoking banana peels or when modeling glue was good for a huffing, but I'm disappointed in the youth of today who have to come up with stupid ways to get loaded when there's medicine cabinets and wet bars a plenty at home.  I still look back fondly on Herr Docktor's parents who chained the liquor cabinet closed...and how he would undo and redo the links to get in...

Overkill

The U.S. Forest Service is considering explosives to move a bunch of frozen cows that died after getting stuck inside a Colorado cabin above11,000 feet.  Sounds reasonable...if you're a 9 year old boy.

The carcasses of at least a half dozen animals were discovered by two Air Force Academy cadets when they snow-shoed up to the cabin in late March.  It is believed the animals sought shelter during a snowstorm and got stuck, and the concern is that of water contamination in the nearby hot springs if the cows start decomposing during the upcoming thaw.  But explosives?

While they do admit it has been used "as a means of disposal to remove dead horses, elk and other animals in areas where it's impossible to get them out" in the past, that's not even the craziest of the suggestions.  One of their geniuses suggested burning the cabin and dragging the dead cows out with pack animals, but the other, less reactive rangers noted the high fire danger in the area.  Due to the remote location, the use of helicopters is too expensive and rangers are worried about using trucks in a wilderness area, which could disrupt the natural habitat.

Why has nobody said anything about chainsaws and blowtorches?  Once again, my faith in our government is marred by their inability to think inside the box.   

Buffy The Fetus Slayer

You know what more comic books need?  Abortion debates!

In the latest issue of Dark Horse Comics' Buffy The Vampire Slayer series - yes, that show which hasn't been on the air for almost a decade, has had what would have been it's eight and ninth "seasons" as comic books.  And in the new issue, Buffy decides to have an abortion. Hooray for the television equivalent of a very special episode!  Considering the generally undersexed idea of geeks and fanboys, isn't figuring out about what to do about having a baby getting ahead of what it takes to make one?

Show creator and executive producer Joss Whedon, who also develops the plot arcs for the comic, said, "Buffy was always about the arc of a life, and it wasn't ever going to be one of those shows where they were perpetually in high school and never asked why...It was about change. So there's never a time when Buffy's life isn't relevant." And what's more relevant than giving a character an unwanted pregnancy?

Andrew Chambliss, the comic's writer, adds that Buffy's choice was something that grew organically out of the story...like a baby that organically grows inside you. "Given the specifics of Buffy's life at this point in the season - facing a new kind of vampire threat, barely able to keep a job - it seemed like it would be dishonest for Buffy to not at least entertain the question of whether she should keep or end the pregnancy." Hold up there, buddy...it's not a real person, and they don't have to entertain shit.  You're writing them, so they can do whatever you want - just like you could have not written her as irresponsibly getting drunk and pregnant at her own party.


If you create obstacles for characters, then they obviously have to deal with them, but think about what you're really saying.  Here's a strong female character that's often referred to as part of the "Chosen Ones" who protect mankind, who has fought otherworldly forces for years, and now they're no better than some older version of 16 and Pregnant?  So, is Superman suddenly going to have a fear of heights?  Or the Punisher wakes up and becomes a pacifist?

I like Whedon and his other forays in television (Firefly, Dollhouse), and am looking forward to his film treatment of The Avengers, but I never cared at all for the Buffy show, mostly because everything on the WB is aimed for 13 year old girls. And as far as Buffy and her abortion, I don't really care if she wants to kill it or keep it, because...well, it's Buffy The Vampire Slayer.  It's the ridiculousness of the whole thing that bothers me, because something based on teenage vampire killers, lesbian witches, and fighting demons and werewolves seems suspect suddenly switching to serious subjects.  This isn't the happy-go-lucky 50s and 60s Batman losing his campy kitsch to become the dark knight of the 80s and beyond, which is the evolution of a character.  I think this is more a deliberate act to stay relevant by being edgy.  And I've seen this before, with the same unimpressive results...

Fetal Corpse Syndrome

Last week, I put on my floaties and waded out into the deep end of the Lake of Fire to show anything but sympathy for the dead baby of The Duggars, and now I think I'm justified in my contempt for that family.

Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar made a spectacle of their dead baby at a memorial service, which was in conjunction with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, a "non-profit organization that helps families deal with the miscarriage and loss of their babies" - by taking photos of their dead babies.

Shockingly, pictures of Jubilee Shalom Duggar that were supposed to be taken for the family to keep and use at the memorial service somehow "got released" without the Duggars consent.  Sure they did.  And maybe they shouldn't distributed them to the hundreds of people attending the memorial in Springdale, Arkansas.  Or pose for publicity photos like the one above.

If you want to see tiny dead hands and feet being held, you can check out this link.

Douchebagborn

When geeks fornicate, good decisions can not be guaranteed.

Megan and Eric Kellermeyer, who quantify themselves as a "gamer couple", determined their due date was 11/11/11, the same day as the release of the much-anticipated next chapter in the Elder Scrolls series, "Skyrim".

Having read a post on game developer Bethesda's blog suggesting that expectant parents consider naming their child "Dovahkiin", which means "Dragonborn" in the Skyrim world, they decided to prove they were unfit to be parents.

The post had the been made as a joke, with a disclaimer noting "Bethesda Softworks is not responsible for your parenting", but the company later added incentive to their sociological test. Anyone willing to name their child Dovahkiin would receive every one of the developer's games free for life, on top of other unnamed goodies. Wow, what's that come to over the expected lifespan of that company, maybe a dozen games at $50 each, and a few hundred dollars worth of tees and promo materials? Yeah, that's a fair trade.

Last Friday, Dovahkiin Tom Kellermeyer was born, and two assholes sold out their kid's life for some swag. In future news, Dovahkiin Kellermeyer was wanted in connection to the violent bludgeoning murder of his parents, Megan and Eric. Motive was not confirmed, but police suspected it was some form or retribution for years of scorn and taunting over his name.

Bootleg Fireworks, Brought To You By The Lord Jesus

Suckle This!

Look out America, The Breast Milk Baby is coming to our shores!

Berjuan Toys, the international toy company, who, according to their own press release is "renowned for its various high-quality doll lines", is now committing to bring one of its top international-selling dolls to our top-international doll deprived market!

"The Breast Milk Baby simulates the breast-feeding process by including a fashionable halter-top that a young girl can put on like a vest and when she brings the Breast Milk Baby doll's mouth up to the pretty flower decoration on the vest the doll makes a soft, suckling sound. The two flowers on the halter are positioned where the nipples would be and when the mouth of the doll is brought close to the embedded sensors in the flower, the baby makes motions and suckling sounds."

And why not? With Pregnant and 16 and Teen Mom as wholesome, educational programming, shouldn't young girls play breastfeeding? (no)

Down On Genius Street

Sad as I may be to not be able to make yearly mention of the local fuck show, at least I still have those thousand pound bulls steamrolling idiots!

Thousands of runners crowded Pamplona's streets in the first bull-run of Spain's San Fermin fiesta, and four of them had to be carried away from it.  The three Spaniards and a Panamanian were taken to a hospital, and only suffered light injuries. Of the dozen animals in the run, only one steer smartly separated from the pack and charged back toward the starting gate for his unfinished business, which doesn't make up for the other one who stopped and laid down near the end of the course. The six bulls in the run were eventually being guided into the bullring, where they were later killed in the afternoon's bullfight.

Every year, between 200 and 300 participants in the run are injured, which means there's a lot of ground to cover to keep those numbers up! Most runners are hurt after falling, but the ones who are trampled or gored by the bulls are the injuries I look forward to. There's still time, so maybe we'll be treated to something more sinister than fractured ribs this year!

Making A Point

On special days like these, sometimes there is a story that just puts me in a good mood. Like the one about Philip A. Contos.

Police say Contos, a motorcyclist participating in a protest ride against helmet laws in upstate New York, died after he flipped over the bike's handlebars and hit his head on the pavement. The 55 year-old was driving a 1983 Harley Davidson with a group of bikers when he hit his brakes and the motorcycle fishtailed. The bike spun out of control, and Contos toppled over the handlebars. He was pronounced dead later at a nearby hospital.

Naturally, state troopers say Contos would have likely survived if he had been wearing a helmet.

The Birth Of A Long Weekend

Let us celebrate a three day weekend of great importance and the many wonderful things that have fallen on these historical days!

Best of the week: When Soul Daddy — the business started by “America’s Next Great Restaurant” winner Jamawn Woods, closed its doors in New York and Los Angeles to focus on “building the brand and developing operations” at its remaining location at the Mall of America, what do you think the outcome was going to be? If you guessed the Minnesota restaurant would shut down this week after less than two months of operation, congratulations - you've won a free dinner for two at...oh, never mind.


Fortunately, Woods is still an employee (technically) at the Chrysler automobile assembly plant in Michigan. When Woods made the finals of the reality TV show, Chrysler granted him a one year leave of absence to pursue his dream. The company intends to hold up their side of the bargain, if Woods wants to come back to work as a fork lift operator. How many entrepreneurs can operate heavy machinery after spectacularly flaming out?


Best bonus links:


• Old Fear Factor Host Will Host New Fear Factor - Nobody can encourage hot girls to eat horse chode like Joe Rogan!


• David Cameron's Friend Found Dead At UK Music Fest - How do I not link an article that opens with, "A close friend of the British prime minister was found dead in a portable toilet at one of the country's leading music festivals Sunday, authorities said."


• Brady Bunch Mom Got Crabs In Affair With NY Mayor - There's likely a joke about stuffing the ballot box in there somewhere...


• Ballpoint Pen That Draws Electronic Circuits - Now you can flick your Bic on and off!


• SC Police: Baby Died From Morphine In Breast Milk - That's why I always drink 2% morphine breast milk.


• Kim Hyun's Dice Figures - This show will not be on display in Las Vegas, for obvious reasons.


• 25 Of The Worst Celebrity Tweets Of All-Time - They're all bad, but here's 25 of them.


• Foursquare Application Turns New York City Into A Giant Game Of RISK - Hopefully they'll find a way to make the boroughs battle for real.


• A Field Guide To Musical Typography - For those about to rock, we Sans Serif you.


• Ranking The Top 10 Hockey Fights Of 2010-11 - Like a typical boxing match, but no fixed outcomes.


• Octomom Hates Each Of Her 14 Kids - So do I. And her for good measure.


• Transformers 3 Is Down 40 Percent From 2 - The public has spoken, "Fool me twice, shame on you..."


• Gilbert Arenas Really Loves Planking - Not bad for a guy who brought firearms to his locker room.


• Does This Look Like The Face Of A Woman Who Beat Up Her Husband Then Sprayed Her Tit Milk All Over The Cops Face? - Lucky for them, there was no morphine in it.


• Glenn Beck Has Last Fox News Channel Show / Glenn Beck And Family Encounter Hostility In NYC - It's called reaping what you sow, asshole. Your welcome has completely worn out.


• The Bizarre Musical Instruments Behind Classic Sci-Fi Movie Sounds - Learning to play them is harder than it sounds.


• Are Major Gay Pornstars With Trannies The New Trend (SUPER NSFW and hardcore) - Um, is this a question that requires answering? Who is asking, anyway?


Worst of the week: Riverside County Supervisor Jeff Stone has called his county and 12 others to secede from California. Only the word "shithole" would miss being associated with Riverside.


Stone said in a statement late Thursday that Riverside, Imperial, San Diego, Orange, San Bernardino, Kings, Kern, Fresno, Tulare, Inyo, Madera, Mariposa and Mono counties should form the new state of South California. Ah, the gems of the south! The creation of the new state would "allow officials to focus on securing borders, balancing budgets, improving schools and creating a vibrant economy", he said. As the dingleberries of the southern part of our state, without the rest of the state propping you up any longer, how are you going to accomplish that? Your meth output is not enough to support you (though it is a major influence in your communities).


Stone will present his proposal to the Board of Supervisors mid-July, but said his new state would have no term limits, only a part-time legislature and limits on property taxes. The reality is this came on the same day that governor Jerry Brown signed budget legislation that will divert about $14 million in 2011-12 vehicle license fee revenue from four new Riverside County cities (Eastvale, Jurupa Valley, Menifee and Wildomar). Nice stunt, but you've got a better chance trying to get absorbed by Mexico than splitting from the state...not that you'd be missed.


And: An Indiana doctor and his second wife were killed in a plane crash in northern Michigan, eight years he killed his wife and two other children in another crash. And I thought the only folks with that many murderous crashes were Kennedys.


Stephen Hatch and his current wife, Kim, did not survive, but his 16-year-old son, Austin, was seriously injured. Austin had survived the earlier crash near Fort Wayne, where they had been returning from the family's summer home on Walloon Lake — the same place they were headed to when their single-engine plane flew into a garage.


His medical practice partner said "He was such a strong proponent of flying and teaching people to fly...I think he felt compelled to continue his passion. He felt compelled to show people that accidents do happen. He didn't want people to look in the other direction." Ahhh, the hubris of a doctor, who felt his passion could overcome his shortcomings as an aviator.


A 2005 federal report on the September 2003 crash found inaccurate preflight planning resulted in the plane not having enough fuel, and the National Transportation Safety Board determined a utility pole the airplane hit during its forced landing (along with a low ceiling and dark night) also contributed to the crash. Hatch purchased Smith Field Airport, along with its service center and flight school, yet he should have attended, rather than owned. They could have shown him that medicine can help you play God, but doesn't mean you can play pilot.


Worst bonus links:


• RI Governor Pardons Irish Man Hanged In 1845 - C'mon, I thought you wanted to be taken seriously as a state?


• Slimy Invasion Plagues Jersey Shore - Looks like the cast of the MTV show is back from filming in Italy.


• Muslim Accuses Abercrombie Of Banning Head Scarf - It's a store for polos with popped collars, not political statements. Wear the attire or work elsewhere.


• Los Angeles Dodgers File For Bankruptcy - I don't even care for baseball and this bothers me. May Frank and Jaime McCourt die penniless.


• Mathematicians Want To Say Goodbye To Pi - Nerds, you give away the only interesting thing about your field, how else are you going to make double entendres?


• Abortion Clinics May Shutter Tomorrow In Kansas - You can't rely on tornadoes to get rid of your unwanted children.


• China To Launch Panda Census - How hard can it be to know how many of an endangered species are in captivity?


• 17 Infants Die In 48 Hours At 1 Indian Hospital - Or as they call it, Wednesday. Don't bathe in the Ganges!


• Zynga Files For IPO Of Up To $1 Billion - Your Farmville crops are not worth that much.


• New York Seeks To Lift Fracking Moratorium - Only because there is a BSG reference to be made do I link this. Who care about shale?


• NBA Lockout Looms As Sides Fail To Reach Deal - Y'all are going to find hockey real interesting once there's no football or basketball this winter!


• Co-founder Biz Stone Leaving Twitter - Wonderful, now we'll get another awful, unnecessary tech company.


• Authorities ID Man Fatally Shot In South LA - Finally, we can start referring to this black youth as John Doe.


• Newsweek Ages Diana To 50 In Ultimate Photoshop Disaster - Not just creepy, but a shitty job at it too.  At least it wasn't the car crash photo.


• Real World Star Puck Arrested In Domestic Violence Case - It was only a matter of time before he ended up in front of the camera again...for a mug shot.


• Young Female Journalist Embeds As Cosplay Maid To Cover Anime Convention - I gained and lost interest in this link twice as I read it through.

• Pond Insect 'Loudest Animal On Earth' - Looks like the Kardashians were bested again.

The Origin Issue

Hope you weren't too comfy with your DC superheroes and their decades of continuity, because it's rebootin' time!

The entire DC Comics line of comic books will be re-launched in September with new #1 issues that feature "younger", redesigned versions of the heroes. The move coincides with same day digital releases via DC's mobile applications and web store, and is on par with other notable reboots like New Coke and the American version of Skins. Over 50 titles will see their history erased and retooled for what DC Comics co-publisher Dan DiDio calls "today's audience". Let me give you a little hint fella, today's audience is not just yesterday's, but last century's...it's guys in their 20's, 30's and 40's who are your core, not school children and tweens.

All the big names - Batman, Superman, Green Lantern, The Flash, Wonder Woman and Aquaman, will "injected with new life" (a horrible clichè, even for comic books) as the stories "are grounded in each character's specific legend" but also "reflect today's real-world themes and events". So what, will Aquaman have to deal with the BP spill? Or was The Flash a NASCAR driver who gets special speed powers? They're men in tights with powers who fight villains - don't forget that.

Longtime DC artist Jim Lee (and other co-publisher) spearheaded the redesign of scores of costumes to "make characters more identifiable and accessible to comic fans new and old". Hold on - what the fuck!?! How can you make Batman more identifiable than the bat logo on his chest? Or Superman's spit curl and golden S? Or Wonder Woman's tits? People around the world can identify these heroes...they're at the top of their Q factor!

Sure, there have been re-launches to try to get some buzz, and titles changing slightly to start over and allow entry points for new readers, but never a full-on reset. Basically, this is a giant flail and a move born out of desperation and panic. You saw it on a smaller scale last year when Wonder Woman got a makeover which didn't last. DC has been losing market share on an annual basis since 2002 to Marvel, who has already done the reboot thing - but correctly.

Rather than trade the solid, built in audience created by years of cultivation for a pandering swipe at a younger generation, Marvel kept their regular comic line and made the reboot happen in a new, separate universe, which they branded the "Ultimate" line. Sure, Peter Parker became Spider-Man, and the X-Men were still mutants hated by society, but the Ultimate incarnations were free of their history, and therefore could have all those tales retold or remade with different twists. Gender changes, costume and origin redesigns were all fair game, and the Ultimate versions soon rivaled their older counterparts. Uh, why do you think Nick Fury looks like Sam Jackson and not this guy in all the Marvel films? The popularity and new take from the Ultimate line...

Comics Alliance points out several major events from recent years that have, for better or worse, factored into characters' histories:

The death of Superman; Clark Kent's marriage to Lois Lane; the death of the second Robin, Jason Todd; the activities of Damian Wayne, the son of Batman and Talia al Ghul; Crisis on Infinite Earths, Infinite Crisis and 52, the stories that defined the nature of the DC Multiverse itself; the crippling of Barbara Gordon, the original Batgirl; the defeat of Batman at the hands of Bane, resulting in the installation of the homicidal Jean-Paul Valley as Batman; the fall and redemption of Green Lantern Hal Jordan; The Sinestro Corps War, Blackest Night and the rest of the Green Lantern "emotional spectrum" mythology; Final Crisis and the journey of Bruce Wayne across time; the emergence of Batwoman Kate Kane; and the consolidation and reconciliation of dozens of characters from the Golden Age of DC Comics and their descendants, as depicted in books like JSA, Justice Society of America and Starman.

And if you don't know about most of those, congratulations, you are probably not a virgin. Mentioned above are several convoluted attempts to fix their fractured history - Crisis on Infinite Earths, Infinite Crisis, 52, Zero Hour, and Final Crisis. These massive crossovers and multi-part storylines were attempts to fix decades of fractured storytelling and failed reboots...and clearly didn't work. So why go all in again is more stunt and less strategy to me.

I've always been a Marvel fan, and it makes me happy to see that such a colossal move (and eventual catastrophic mistake) was done by the other guys...

Shake, Rattle, And Jail

There's a few jobs that, if done wrong, can lead to the death of others: pilot, surgeon, policeman, nuclear plant safety manager. Oh, and let's add seismologist to that list.

In Italy, where poor decisions are not a surprise (see: Benedict, Pope) and misleading logic prevails (see: WWII / Mussolini), six seismologists and a government official are being charged with manslaughter case. Like you, I was completely unaware there were any places that had laws on the books making it a crime if you didn't alert the public ahead of time of the risk of an earthquake - it's kinda unknowable. The 2009 L'Aquila earthquake killed close to around 300 people.

The witch hunt came after those seismologists, all members of a committee tasked with determining the risk of an earthquake in the area of, "should've seen it coming", due to a swarm of earthquakes that occurred days before the big one struck. Of course, everywhere around the world places get swarms of earthquakes without a big shaker afterwards, with nothing to suggest a bigger one. Try telling that to the same country who demonized Galileo Galilei.

Others in the scientific community are shocked and offended that their colleagues are essentially being railroaded for not being psychic. "One problem is we don't know how much stress it takes to break a fault," said John Vidale, a Washington State seismologist. "Second we still don't know how much stress is down there. All we can do is measure how the ground is deforming. Not knowing either of these factors makes it pretty tough to figure out when stresses will get to the point of a rupture."

In order to attempt measurements of the actual stresses, researchers would need to drill miles beneath the surface (which is pretty difficult - this isn't The Core). They'd only be able to drill a couple places to put sensors along the fault, but the L'Aquila fault system is considered complex, with several so-called faults moving mostly vertically, instead of the horizontal strike-slip faults (like California's San Andreas), so those methods may not yield the intended results.

Clearly, the Italians don't full grasp the scope of science, or why there's "Act Of God" clauses in contracts, but maybe something good can come out of criminal charges for those who fail to be clairvoyant guess correctly. I'm all for the punishment of weathermen who couldn't call the afternoon's climate change to save their freedom, or locking up every designer who's stylistic abortions are too ugly to wear beyond the runway.

Grey Area

Remember when Traci Lords left the adult film industry to become influential politician? Or when Jenna Jameson quit the biz to storm the medical field an cure diseases? Yeah, which is why we've heard the last of Sasha Grey.

Arguably the most famous porn star in the world, Marina Ann Hantzis Sasha Grey has hung up her vagina and is retiring from the interracial anal, bisexual three-ways, and facials that defined her career (how horrible is it to have your career defined by ass-to-mouth sex and double penetrations?). She said:

It’s become quite evident that my time as an adult film performer has expired. Don’t worry, I haven’t found Jesus. One thing is for certain, I’m proud to say I have no regrets, I genuinely feel I accomplished everything I could as a performer. I was able to work with the industry’s most professional performers and companies, and I’ll always cherish the friends and relationships I was able to build. It was simply the perfect time for me to move on… while I was on top (pun indeed, intended). Life sometimes takes us in a direction we never could have imagined.

Apparently, her crossover "success" has gone to her head. Starring in Steven Soderbergh’s The Girlfriend Experience (which grossed barely $1 million on a skeletal $1.3 million budget) as an escort and as, well, herself in Entourage, I'd hardly call playing a sex worker success. She's modeled and made music only as a result of the name and recognition garnered from porn, but who's going to have any interest in either of those from her in few years?

Her latest non-sex move was the recently released book, Neü Sex, which she calls, "my visual mosaic through photography, my sexual philosophy, and observations". Oh, the only thing worse than a porn star who doesn't know when to keep her mouth shut (or open), is one who thinks they're a goddamn artist and intellectual. Sure, people are allowed to not be defined by just one thing - look at excellent crossover to acting by Madonna or William Shatner's singing career...oh wait, those were both jokes - but Sasha Grey is just trying to milk every last mile out of her fame as she goes further away from the one thing that made her. Jenna Jameson's more recent career move? Domestic abuse charges against Tito Ortiz in 2010. Keep that in mind, Sasha...

You'll always be the 2007 AVN Award winner for Best Three-Way Sex Scene (y'know, in Fuck Slaves with Sandra Romain and Manuel Ferrara) to me.

See you back in the business in 2013.

Leaving Las Vegas...In A Bodybag

Vanity, I swear you're death's cousin.

A genius woman died over the weekend after a botched buttocks enhancement surgery. This wouldn't normally make news, except that it took place in the back room of a Las Vegas tile business. The Colombian nationals who "performed" the work were later arrested trying to board a plane back to that country. At least these malpracticioners bothered to get a hotel room.

Elena Caro's cause of death was not immediately determined, as the investigation and toxicology tests are ongoing, but is "foreign object to the butt" possibility? The facial botox injections Ruben Dario Matallana-Galvas (55) and Carmen Olfidia Torres-Sanchez (47) had given Caro (who also used the name Maria Orrozco) the week prior miraculously had no problems, so after she walked out of the procedure, why would they have had any concerns?

Elizabeth Flores, an aide to Mattalana-Galvas, got the call that something had gone wrong, so she had her husband drive Mattalana-Galvas and Torres-Sanchez to the airport, the police report said. Congrats on your aiding and abetting!

Caro's underage daughter, Janet Villalovos, shared she told Matallana-Galvas to take care of her mother when she dropped her off for the procedure. "He told me everything's going to be fine, don't worry," Villalovos said. This is shocking, right? And wouldn't you know it that the Nevada State Board of Medical Examiners had no files or credentials on either of the "doctors".

Caro. Mattalana-Galvas.Torres-Sanchez. Villalovos. Orrozco. I can't keep all of it straight...it's like watching a soccer match.