This Is 40?

Hello, my sweet...yes it has been a while since we've seen each other.

Sadly, I feel it may be a while until we see each other again, and I suspect it will happen when I least expect or plan it.  The fact is there's too much to do, too many things to draw my focus, and not enough time to spend frivolously on observational humor, web links, and found photos.

Don't get me wrong, I've enjoyed every minute of it, and it has been as much an identity and ideology as any truly dedicated endeavor, but there are times that you recognize where a cycle starts and ends, and for now, this is a good point to make that mark.

It was difficult to allow this to fade away and phase out, the process becoming outwardly evident over the last year and a half with the inconsistent postings, but for me, it was harder because this fit perfectly into the spot reserved for self indulgence and exacerbated by a(n) (un)healthy obsessive / compulsive streak.  Once, it was imperative to make those multiple posts - up to 10 a day, in order to satisfy that urge, and even when that was broken and a more reasonable three were made, it was something that took some adjustment to be capable of.

So today I'm marking my 40th birthday, and like so many symbolic gestures, it occurred to me that it was timely, or at least time, to acknowledge the true pleasure and love I've had curating IOvUF, and for any and every single person who took the time to read a post.  And before we bookend this with a look back to the origin, I'll liberate, er, appropriate this perfectly poignant and spot-on speech by the late-and-always-great Dave "Oderus Urungus" Brockie for some context:

Nothing has changed...nothing has changed here.  We're still the wonderful, down-to-Earth, kinda motherfucking homosexual, butt-raping, dogfucking, kinda motherfuckers you love.  And let me tell you one thing...if any of you guys, or any of you girls, wanna come backstage after the show - get sucked, fucked, smoke some crack - it's okay by me.

Now, without any further ado, take it away guys...

Tuesday, April 17, 2007: Revisiting The Big Bang

Really, it was more like the Big Whimper, but nonetheless my sense of wasting time triumphed over productivity and I shat out Living To Die. The concept was based on a combination of things The Good Doctor and I humored ourselves with, starting with the poignant final words of Roy Batty -- “time to die”. And much like the realization that all our moments and memories will eventually be lost like tears in the rain, so was the reaction and cynical afterbirth of the LTD philosophy – necessary and immutably true.

The mantra was a follows:

First you are born. Then you have a pretty good time for about 25 years. Then it is time for you to fucking die. I didn't make the rules. But I will enforce them.

In a sickly, sensible way it worked. The futility of jobs. The failure of relationships. The sacrifice of watching your dreams die. Nobody said that it was going to be easy, but no one said that it was going to be this hard, and at least we had the forethought to remember to smile stupidly while we were taking the beating. Yes, it sounds morbidly pessimistic, but it’s not.

Meanwhile, back in the oft-forgotten MAGNAband forums, I was hacking and slashing away at the same stupid brutality that life provides as both sport and amusement daily. In the hope of stunning people into thinking with radically sensible ideas I ingratiated myself with Schadenfreude. Sadly, some twat on Blogger has already claimed that perch on the web, and she actually thinks that her own pathetic, dull misfortune is going to provide us glee. News flash, sweetie – there is zero interest in your blandness. I’ve been in traffic that was more interesting that the pointlessness of your existence, and the fact you lucked into camping on one of the most kick ass site names is tragic. Let us all hope nothing but the worst for she who volunteered to be the schadenfreude touchstone, as it is by default no less than what she deserves for making such an egregious claim. Yet we digress…

In spite of a set of misanthropic tendencies, egotistical embellishment, keen awareness of stupidity and a lack of regard for restraint or correctness as a result, I have made the next evolutionary step philosophically. For a long time I fixated on the concept of an immovable object and an unstoppable force, and their inherent opposition to each other, which fit perfectly with my quasi-dualistic reasoning (which like the Soul Coughing song of the same name postulates “Is Chicago, Is Not Chicago” – and that’s loose meta-logic). The dichotomy is still there – living to die, as is the contrast of two concepts, but IOvUF is the examination of the complete nature of opposition, of being both caught between either side as well as being objectively aware of it.

Granted, all of that is a touch excessive given the overt applications here – satire, mockery, criticism, enlightenment, adoration, and creativity – not some revelatory direction in which to restyle my (your) existence. But we’re all still living to die, so while this may be nothing more than another voice for the vocal, it has changed, and for that I take pause to note -- before -- it is time to die.

Bane Of The Intelligent

It's been forever since the talking heads from the red state mindset have been relevant, let alone newsworthy, but from the shitheap that Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity fester in, the grandaddy of right-wing mouthpieces, Rush Limbaugh, has decided to make sure there's nothing intelligent or relevant he has to say.  Here's from the moron himself:

"Have you heard this new movie, the Batman movie, what is it, The Dark Knight Lights Up or whatever the name is. That’s right, Dark Knight Rises. Lights Up, same thing. Do you know the name of the villain in this movie? Bane. The villain in The Dark Knight Rises is named Bane, B-a-n-e. What is the name of the venture capital firm that Romney ran and around which there’s now this make-believe controversy? Bain. The movie has been in the works for a long time. The release date’s been known, summer 2012 for a long time. Do you think that it is accidental that the name of the really vicious fire breathing four eyed whatever it is villain in this movie is named Bane? 

So, anyway, this evil villain in the new Batman movie is named Bane. And there’s now a discussion out there as to whether or not this is purposeful and whether or not it will influence voters. It’s gonna have a lot of people. This movie, the audience is gonna be huge. A lot of people are gonna see the movie, and it’s a lot of brain-dead people, entertainment, the pop culture crowd, and they’re gonna hear Bane in the movie and they’re gonna associate Bain. The thought is that when they start paying attention to the campaign later in the year, and Obama and the Democrats keep talking about Bain, Romney and Bain, that these people will think back to the Batman movie, 'Oh, yeah, I know who that is.'  There are some people who think it’ll work. Others think you’re really underestimating the American people to think that will work."

Yep, you're right...and holy fuck, if you are somebody who hears that and agrees, you should have your right to vote revoked due to your massive, permanent brain damage.

Trump Stump

Given his previous flirtation with the Oval Office, it comes as no surprise that The Donald would try to inject himself into the current race even as it's getting close to nomination time. And that's why he's the moderator for a debate hosted at the end of the month. I mean, ringleader for the debacle.

The "debate" is being hosted by Newsmax, who I've never heard of until now, but in their own words is, "the #1 conservative news agency online". I put that kind of credibility on par with model searches sponsored by Maybelline. Using Trump as the compass for leading the questioning doesn't add anything legitimate either. Of course, I'm not the only one who thinks that a pageant-mogul lacks class.

"The selection of a reality television personality to host a presidential debate that voters nationwide will be watching is beneath the office of the Presidency and flies in the face of that office’s history and dignity."

That was Ron Paul, who will not be "attending" the fracas. Trump responded publicly stating, "Ron Paul has zero chance of getting the nomination," as if the self-promoting huckster is also somehow a tastemaking pundit. Jon Huntsman is also not participating, and while they both may not be front-runners, they've certainly out-distanced the rest with integrity.

Trump said he would endorse a candidate for president sometime after the December 27th debate, and would not run for president unless "the wrong person gets in"...though he does not expect the wrong person will be chosen. Newt Gingrich told reporters, "Of course I want his endorsement," of the follicle-challenged moderator, who was conveniently beside him.

I think that Trump should get on the ticket if Newty gets the bid, because the only thing better than trainwreck is a spectacular trainwreck.

Improved For Profit

"American works of art belong to the American public; they are part of our cultural history.

People who alter or destroy works of art and our cultural heritage for profit or as an exercise of power are barbarians, and if the laws of the United States continue to condone this behavior, history will surely classify us as a barbaric society.

These current defacements are just the beginning. Today, engineers with their computers can add color to black-and-white movies, change the soundtrack, speed up the pace, and add or subtract material to the philosophical tastes of the copyright holder. Tomorrow, more advanced technology will be able to replace actors with “fresher faces,” or alter dialogue and change the movement of the actor’s lips to match. It will soon be possible to create a new “original” negative with whatever changes or alterations the copyright holder of the moment desires. The copyright holders, so far, have not been completely diligent in preserving the original negatives of films they control. In order to reconstruct old negatives, many archivists have had to go to Eastern bloc countries where American films have been better preserved.

In the future it will become even easier for old negatives to become lost and be “replaced” by new altered negatives. This would be a great loss to our society. Our cultural history must not be allowed to be rewritten.

There is nothing to stop American films, records, books, and paintings from being sold to a foreign entity or egotistical gangsters and having them change our cultural heritage to suit their personal taste.

I accuse the companies and groups, who say that American law is sufficient, of misleading the Congress and the People for their own economic self-interest.

I accuse the corporations, who oppose the moral rights of the artist, of being dishonest and insensitive to American cultural heritage and of being interested only in their quarterly bottom line, and not in the long-term interest of the Nation.

The public’s interest is ultimately dominant over all other interests. And the proof of that is that even a copyright law only permits the creators and their estate a limited amount of time to enjoy the economic fruits of that work.

There are those who say American law is sufficient. That’s an outrage! It’s not sufficient! If it were sufficient, why would I be here? Why would John Houston have been so studiously ignored when he protested the colorization of The Maltese Falcon? Why are films cut up and butchered?

I hope you have the courage to lead America in acknowledging the importance of American art to the human race, and accord the proper protection for the creators of that art–as it is accorded them in much of the rest of the world communities.”

- George Lucas circa 1988, who George Lucas circa 2011 can't recall as he prepares yet another round of rape changes to the Star Wars saga getting released on Blu-ray

Texecution!

Don't mess with Texas. And certainly don't molest and murder a teenager there.

Humberto Leal, a Mexican national, was executed today for the "rape-slaying" (AP's term, which is awesome) of 16-year-old Adria Sauceda. Her nude body was found hours after she left a San Antonio street party with Leal in 1994, and she had been bludgeoned with a chunk of asphalt.

Before his lethal injection, Leal repeatedly said he was sorry and accepted responsibility. "I have hurt a lot of people... I take full blame for everything. I am sorry for what I did," but then he ruined it as the drugs began taking effect by shouting, "Viva Mexico!"

His attorneys made citizenship a key element of their defense effort to win a stay of execution, saying the police never told him following his arrest that he could seek legal assistance from the Mexican government under an international treaty. Yeah, Mexico has such a good handle on their cartel war that they are going to worry about the criminal acts of one of it's citizens abroad.

The U.S. Supreme Court turned down a last minute appeal supported by both Mexico and the White House, which would create time for Congress to consider a law requiring court review in cases where condemned foreign nationals did not receive help from their consulates. I don't know why they would claim that this case would affect Americans detained in other countries, since foreigners are subject to sovereign laws. But the Supreme Court did not believe executing Leal would cause grave international consequences, and did not believe "that it is ever appropriate to stay a lower court judgment in light of unenacted legislation."

What a shame he didn't get to have the consulate loophole to keep him alive, which is why I like tho quotes from opposite camps. Leal's uncle criticized the U.S. justice system after the execution and said, "There is a God who makes us all pay", which did not have the same ironic impact for him. The other comes from Sauceda's mother, who correctly noted, "A technicality doesn't give anyone a right to come to this country and rape, torture and murder anyone."

PK United

"I’ve got an indoor soccer team in Division 11 (1 being best, 11 being worst… obviously) here in Dallas Texas and I would like to submit our team jerseys which I designed and made. The patches are embroidered and the lettering is authentic jersey vinyl on Adidas Predator blanks. While we only finished 3rd in our division, I like to think we looked good doing it. The team name is Portman Kunis United (aka The Scissors). It’s a tribute to Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman in the movie Black Swan, for their….. amazing acting. Notice the handcrafted numbering, custom with a swan on each number."

- team captain Mike Miller

Mission Accomplished (Really This Time)

(DXM nailed it last night)

Marketing Secrets

"Back in the 1970s, before the term 'Metrosexual' was minted, this perfectly-coiffed

gentlemen was simply known as a 'Fucking Pussy'." - Copyranter

A Letter From David Mamet To The Writers Of The Unit

This is a memo that Mamet addressed to the writing staff of the now-canceled show The Unit, in which he lays out some guiding principles for compelling television.

There's all kinds of awesomesauce in there, and Mamet also takes time to lay into TV executives, which he refers to as “penguins.” Overall, it offers some harsh and amusing insights into what makes good writing and storytelling. The full memo is below, and yes, he was so passsionate that he pretty much busted that out in all caps. Mamet is that intense.

TO THE WRITERS OF THE UNIT

GREETINGS.

AS WE LEARN HOW TO WRITE THIS SHOW, A RECURRING PROBLEM BECOMES CLEAR.

THE PROBLEM IS THIS: TO DIFFERENTIATE BETWEEN DRAMA AND NON-DRAMA. LET ME BREAK-IT-DOWN-NOW.

EVERYONE IN CREATION IS SCREAMING AT US TO MAKE THE SHOW CLEAR. WE ARE TASKED WITH, IT SEEMS, CRAMMING A SHITLOAD OF INFORMATION INTO A LITTLE BIT OF TIME.

OUR FRIENDS. THE PENGUINS, THINK THAT WE, THEREFORE, ARE EMPLOYED TO COMMUNICATE INFORMATION — AND, SO, AT TIMES, IT SEEMS TO US.

BUT NOTE: THE AUDIENCE WILL NOT TUNE IN TO WATCH INFORMATION. YOU WOULDN’T, I WOULDN’T. NO ONE WOULD OR WILL. THE AUDIENCE WILL ONLY TUNE IN AND STAY TUNED TO WATCH DRAMA.

QUESTION: WHAT IS DRAMA? DRAMA, AGAIN, IS THE QUEST OF THE HERO TO OVERCOME THOSE THINGS WHICH PREVENT HIM FROM ACHIEVING A SPECIFIC, ACUTE GOAL.

SO: WE, THE WRITERS, MUST ASK OURSELVES OF EVERY SCENE THESE THREE QUESTIONS.

1) WHO WANTS WHAT?
2) WHAT HAPPENS IF HE/R DON’T GET IT?
3) WHY NOW?

THE ANSWERS TO THESE QUESTIONS ARE LITMUS PAPER. APPLY THEM, AND THEIR ANSWER WILL TELL YOU IF THE SCENE IS DRAMATIC OR NOT.

IF THE SCENE IS NOT DRAMATICALLY WRITTEN, IT WILL NOT BE DRAMATICALLY ACTED.

THERE IS NO MAGIC FAIRY DUST WHICH WILL MAKE A BORING, USELESS, REDUNDANT, OR MERELY INFORMATIVE SCENE AFTER IT LEAVES YOUR TYPEWRITER. YOU THE WRITERS, ARE IN CHARGE OF MAKING SURE EVERY SCENE IS DRAMATIC.

THIS MEANS ALL THE “LITTLE” EXPOSITIONAL SCENES OF TWO PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT A THIRD. THIS BUSHWAH (AND WE ALL TEND TO WRITE IT ON THE FIRST DRAFT) IS LESS THAN USELESS, SHOULD IT FINALLY, GOD FORBID, GET FILMED.

IF THE SCENE BORES YOU WHEN YOU READ IT, REST ASSURED IT WILL BORE THE ACTORS, AND WILL, THEN, BORE THE AUDIENCE, AND WE’RE ALL GOING TO BE BACK IN THE BREADLINE.

SOMEONE HAS TO MAKE THE SCENE DRAMATIC. IT IS NOT THE ACTORS JOB (THE ACTORS JOB IS TO BE TRUTHFUL). IT IS NOT THE DIRECTORS JOB. HIS OR HER JOB IS TO FILM IT STRAIGHTFORWARDLY AND REMIND THE ACTORS TO TALK FAST. IT IS YOUR JOB.

EVERY SCENE MUST BE DRAMATIC. THAT MEANS: THE MAIN CHARACTER MUST HAVE A SIMPLE, STRAIGHTFORWARD, PRESSING NEED WHICH IMPELS HIM OR HER TO SHOW UP IN THE SCENE.
THIS NEED IS WHY THEY CAME. IT IS WHAT THE SCENE IS ABOUT. THEIR ATTEMPT TO GET THIS NEED MET WILL LEAD, AT THE END OF THE SCENE, TO FAILURE – THIS IS HOW THE SCENE IS OVER. IT, THIS FAILURE, WILL, THEN, OF NECESSITY, PROPEL US INTO THE NEXT SCENE.

ALL THESE ATTEMPTS, TAKEN TOGETHER, WILL, OVER THE COURSE OF THE EPISODE, CONSTITUTE THE PLOT.

ANY SCENE, THUS, WHICH DOES NOT BOTH ADVANCE THE PLOT, AND STANDALONE (THAT IS, DRAMATICALLY, BY ITSELF, ON ITS OWN MERITS) IS EITHER SUPERFLUOUS, OR INCORRECTLY WRITTEN.

YES BUT YES BUT YES BUT, YOU SAY: WHAT ABOUT THE NECESSITY OF WRITING IN ALL THAT “INFORMATION?”

AND I RESPOND “FIGURE IT OUT” ANY DICKHEAD WITH A BLUESUIT CAN BE (AND IS) TAUGHT TO SAY “MAKE IT CLEARER”, AND “I WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT HIM”.

WHEN YOU’VE MADE IT SO CLEAR THAT EVEN THIS BLUESUITED PENGUIN IS HAPPY, BOTH YOU AND HE OR SHE WILL BE OUT OF A JOB.

THE JOB OF THE DRAMATIST IS TO MAKE THE AUDIENCE WONDER WHAT HAPPENS NEXT. NOT TO EXPLAIN TO THEM WHAT JUST HAPPENED, OR TO SUGGEST TO THEM WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.

ANY DICKHEAD, AS ABOVE, CAN WRITE, “BUT, JIM, IF WE DON’T ASSASSINATE THE PRIME MINISTER IN THE NEXT SCENE, ALL EUROPE WILL BE ENGULFED IN FLAME”

WE ARE NOT GETTING PAID TO REALIZE THAT THE AUDIENCE NEEDS THIS INFORMATION TO UNDERSTAND THE NEXT SCENE, BUT TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO WRITE THE SCENE BEFORE US SUCH THAT THE AUDIENCE WILL BE INTERESTED IN WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.

YES BUT, YES BUT YES BUT YOU REITERATE.

AND I RESPOND FIGURE IT OUT.

HOW DOES ONE STRIKE THE BALANCE BETWEEN WITHHOLDING AND VOUCHSAFING INFORMATION? THAT IS THE ESSENTIAL TASK OF THE DRAMATIST. AND THE ABILITY TO DO THAT IS WHAT SEPARATES YOU FROM THE LESSER SPECIES IN THEIR BLUE SUITS.

FIGURE IT OUT.

START, EVERY TIME, WITH THIS INVIOLABLE RULE: THE SCENE MUST BE DRAMATIC. IT MUST START BECAUSE THE HERO HAS A PROBLEM, AND IT MUST CULMINATE WITH THE HERO FINDING HIM OR HERSELF EITHER THWARTED OR EDUCATED THAT ANOTHER WAY EXISTS.

LOOK AT YOUR LOG LINES. ANY LOGLINE READING “BOB AND SUE DISCUSS…” IS NOT DESCRIBING A DRAMATIC SCENE.

PLEASE NOTE THAT OUR OUTLINES ARE, GENERALLY, SPECTACULAR. THE DRAMA FLOWS OUT BETWEEN THE OUTLINE AND THE FIRST DRAFT.

THINK LIKE A FILMMAKER RATHER THAN A FUNCTIONARY, BECAUSE, IN TRUTH, YOU ARE MAKING THE FILM. WHAT YOU WRITE, THEY WILL SHOOT.

HERE ARE THE DANGER SIGNALS. ANY TIME TWO CHARACTERS ARE TALKING ABOUT A THIRD, THE SCENE IS A CROCK OF SHIT.

ANY TIME ANY CHARACTER IS SAYING TO ANOTHER “AS YOU KNOW”, THAT IS, TELLING ANOTHER CHARACTER WHAT YOU, THE WRITER, NEED THE AUDIENCE TO KNOW, THE SCENE IS A CROCK OF SHIT.

DO NOT WRITE A CROCK OF SHIT. WRITE A RIPPING THREE, FOUR, SEVEN MINUTE SCENE WHICH MOVES THE STORY ALONG, AND YOU CAN, VERY SOON, BUY A HOUSE IN BEL AIR AND HIRE SOMEONE TO LIVE THERE FOR YOU.

REMEMBER YOU ARE WRITING FOR A VISUAL MEDIUM. MOST TELEVISION WRITING, OURS INCLUDED, SOUNDS LIKE RADIO. THE CAMERA CAN DO THE EXPLAINING FOR YOU. LET IT. WHAT ARE THE CHARACTERS DOING - LITERALLY. WHAT ARE THEY HANDLING, WHAT ARE THEY READING. WHAT ARE THEY WATCHING ON TELEVISION, WHAT ARE THEY SEEING.

IF YOU PRETEND THE CHARACTERS CANT SPEAK, AND WRITE A SILENT MOVIE, YOU WILL BE WRITING GREAT DRAMA.

IF YOU DEPRIVE YOURSELF OF THE CRUTCH OF NARRATION, EXPOSITION,INDEED, OF SPEECH. YOU WILL BE FORGED TO WORK IN A NEW MEDIUM - TELLING THE STORY IN PICTURES (ALSO KNOWN AS SCREENWRITING)

THIS IS A NEW SKILL. NO ONE DOES IT NATURALLY. YOU CAN TRAIN YOURSELVES TO DO IT, BUT YOU NEED TO START.

I CLOSE WITH THE ONE THOUGHT: LOOK AT THE SCENE AND ASK YOURSELF “IS IT DRAMATIC? IS IT ESSENTIAL? DOES IT ADVANCE THE PLOT?

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY.

IF THE ANSWER IS “NO” WRITE IT AGAIN OR THROW IT OUT. IF YOU’VE GOT ANY QUESTIONS, CALL ME UP.

LOVE, DAVE MAMET
SANTA MONICA 19 OCTO 05

(IT IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO KNOW THE ANSWERS, BUT IT IS YOUR, AND MY, RESPONSIBILITY TO KNOW AND TO ASK THE RIGHT QUESTIONS OVER AND OVER. UNTIL IT BECOMES SECOND NATURE. I BELIEVE THEY ARE LISTED ABOVE.)

Data, Frame By Frame

Flowing data!

And Now A Message For Hollywood From Chez's Evil Twin, Garth*

Without fail, Chez makes way too much sense.

Alright, let's get something straight here. You can call Mo'Nique and Gabourey Sidibe talented actresses; you can praise the living shit out of their performances in Precious; you can fill up their arms with all the Golden Globes and Oscars they can carry if you want.

But what you can't do is call either of them "beautiful" -- at least not with a straight face.

Nope, sorry, uh-uh.

Why? Because you people know damn well that you're being completely insincere. You're falling all over yourselves to hold these two up as models of "real womanhood" mostly so you can pat yourselves on the back for being so liberal and open-minded when it comes to what constitutes beauty -- to prove that you understand that it comes in all shapes and sizes. Sure thing. This from an entire culture based around one very particular, very high physical standard -- particularly when it comes to women -- and which encourages those within its purview to go to any lengths to achieve that standard. You fuckers buy yourselves new faces for Christmas, and you expect us to believe that all of a sudden you genuinely find a couple of grossly overweight black women attractive?

If Mo'Nique wasn't a movie star but was instead "Mo'Nique the Hardees Night Manager" you'd keep 500 feet away from her just in case ugly was contagious. If you saw her boldly pulling up her dress to reveal those unshaven tree trunks on Maury while boasting, "I look sexy!" you'd be pointing and laughing at her.

Look, if you're feeling a pang of buff, white, upper-class guilt, just admit it and get it out of your system -- but don't try to assuage it by naming Gabby Sidibe one of People Magazine's "50 Most Beautiful People."

By the way, isn't it enough that these two are great actresses? Do they have to be considered beautiful at all? Can't they just be really talented without you having to assure them that they're just as attractive as any of their peers? Isn't that in itself demeaning? And wouldn't it be a real show of "diversity" if you were willing to admit that not everybody can or will meet the physical standard Hollywood holds in such esteem?

Or does getting an Oscar nomination automatically make someone attractive?

Did they become "beautiful" just because they joined your hallowed ranks?

*As usual, the opinions expressed by Garth are not those of Chez, who's totally hot for the ladies of Precious and wouldn't touch this subject with a ten-foot cattle prod.

TGS Featuring...

Everything Tracy Jordan said on 30 Rock this season? Yes, everything.

“Is there nothing sacred? Have we lost our moral center? It just makes me want to pee on someone.”

“Frank, for all your hard work, please accept this set of solid gold nunchuks.”

“Well, if all you want is a hug from a black person, maybe you should just host the Price is Right.”

“I don’t need a birthday cause I buy myself all the presents I need. And because of my drinking, they’re often a surprise.”

“You wait til I test this noise out on society. Minds will be blown.”

“There he is. I owe you, Jackie D. When I’m on my deathbed frenching my wife, I will think of you.”

“There’s no link between diabetes and diet. That’s a white myth, Ken. Like Larry Bird or Colorado.”

“Do you know who I am? Seriously, please, tell me who I am.”

“Larry, what everyone needs to do is just take a deep breath, calm down, and start preparing their bodies for the Thunderdome. That is the new law.”

“I’m saying the Disneyfication of New York is over, everyone. At the stroke of midnight, your Lexus is going to turn back into a hot pile of rats fighting over a human finger.”

“I wished for you to get better. I was gonna to wish for breakfast in bed with Robocop while an elephant paints us.”

“I’ve been hearing, but I haven’t been listening.”

“What’s wrong, Ken. You got wife eyes!”

“OK. Sorry it took me so long to answer. I was just thinking about how weird it is that we eat birds.”

“I will be brief. I have decided to fulfill my dream of going into space. If you have a spaceship and are looking for a hilarious astronaut with an irregular heartbeat and thirty million dollars, I am prepared to leave as soon as tomorrow. I wrote that yesterday. I will not be taking questions.”

“Hmmm, usually this is the point in my process where Liz Lemon steps in and takes care of everything. Heavy is the head that eats the crayons. Gonna take a nap, see you in 10 hours.”

“The partying is just for show, and because I’m a high-functioning alcoholic.”

“Come on in, Jack, I’m just practicing sitting.”

“Liz Lemon, I might hug people too hard and get lost in malls. But I’m not an idiot.”

“Of course not, I transcend race.”

And countless more...

Etiquette On Target

Drill Sergeant Joe B. Frick's RULES FOR A GUNFIGHT:

1. Forget about knives, bats and fists. Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns. Bring four times the ammunition you think you could ever need.

2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammunition is cheap - life is expensive. If you shoot inside, buckshot is your friend. A new wall is cheap - funerals are expensive

3. Only hits count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.

4. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough or using cover correctly.

5. Move away from your attacker and go to cover. Distance is your friend. (Bulletproof cover and diagonal or lateral movement are preferred.)

6. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a semi or full-automatic long gun and a friend with a long gun.

7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.

8. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running. Yell "Fire!" Why "Fire"? Cops will come with the Fire Department, sirens often scare off the bad guys, or at least cause then to lose concentration and will.... and who is going to summon help if you yell "Intruder," "Glock" or "Winchester?"

9. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun.

10. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.

11. Stretch the rules. Always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.

12. Have a plan.

13. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work. "No battle plan ever survives 10 seconds past first contact with an enemy."

14. Use cover or concealment as much as possible, but remember, sheetrock walls and the like stop nothing but your pulse when bullets tear through them.

15. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.

16. Don't drop your guard.

17. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees. Practice reloading one-handed and off-hand shooting. That's how you live if hit in your "good" side.

18. Watch their hands. Hands kill. Smiles, frowns and other facial expressions don't (In God we trust. Everyone else keep your hands where I can see them.)

19. Decide NOW to always be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.

20. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.

21. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet if necessary, because they may want to kill you.

22. Be courteous to everyone, overly friendly to no one.

23. Your number one option for personal security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.

24. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with anything smaller than "4".

25. Use a gun that works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when an Angel blows the powder from the flintlock of your musket." At a practice session, throw you gun into the mud, then make sure it still works. You can clean it later.

26. Practice shooting in the dark, with someone shouting at you, when out of breath, etc.

27. Regardless of whether justified of not, you will feel sad about killing another human being. It is better to be sad than to be room temperature.

28. The only thing you EVER say afterwards is, "He said he was going to kill me. I believed him. I'm sorry, Officer, but I'm very upset now. I can't say anything more. Please speak with my attorney."

And finally, Sergeant Frick's RULES FOR UNARMED COMBAT:

1. Never be unarmed.

Gonzo Motivation

Hunter would approve of motivational posters, but only if they were soaked in LSD.

True Grit

Esquire recently did an interview with Clint Eastwood, in which he basically promises that he still gargles rocks and shits slabs of concrete.

"I was a shy kid. But a lot of my childhood was spent punching the bullies out. We live in more of a pussy generation now, where everybody’s become used to saying, “Well, how do we handle it psychologically?” In those days, you just punched the bully back and duked it out. Even if the guy was older and could push you around, at least you were respected for fighting back, and you’d be left alone from then on. I don’t know if I can tell you exactly when the pussy generation started. Maybe when people started asking about the meaning of life."

God damn that's a tough old bastard! Everybody enjoys making their "Chuck Norris is _______" facts, but Clint's the real deal. He never sold exercise equipment and didn't back a political candidate in the election because he's the only one he'd vote for. I'd be afraid of the old codger in a dark alley. Or AARP meeting.

No Wonder That Guy Seems Like Such A Jerk

"There was one actor I worked with who used to burn his leg with cigarettes. I can’t name names. Well, let’s just call him Sean Penn."

- Gary Oldman

True Dat

"It sucks quite honestly."

- Christiane Kubrick, on life without her beloved husband Stanley

Sheer Heart Attack

"I like to party. And when I party, I like to listen to Queen. Because I am old and weird. And fucking hardcore" - Herr Docktor

Brilliant. Fucking brilliant.

"Radio Gaga"

"Somebody To Love"

"Fat Bottom Girls"

"Innuendo"