Pig To Head Back Home To Wallow In Mud

For months I've been calling the Republican nomination "race" a joke, but at least here's the punchline - evil is retreating to it's lair.

In the slow news cycle of the GOP crawl towards their convention, it's been one virgin after another served up at the alter of Romney for sacrifice, as each challenger took their shot and gained slight momentum crawling over the one that fell before them.  And for that predicable and oft-repeated reason, one more rich white man has fallen, and yet it's as protracted as the media-driven (non) contest of the race itself.

Newt Gingrich will officially suspend his bid for the presidency next week - yes, the pre-announcement of his pending announcement is somehow considered worth mentioning.  He could just quit, I don't know...now, but that would be too easy.  You see, there's still millions in contributions to collect and hide before dismantling the snake oil campaign machine.  And since he's essentially been an human caricature of Porky Pig - well, one with a hair helmet and a predilection to rut, he had to stutter politically and drag out his exit.

I would hate to see any Republican win in November, but Newty is a special kind of old school shitbag.  Not the harmless, naive kind you find in Rick Santorum, or a sad clone of Bush in Rick Perry, but a crafty bastard that was part of the early 90's GOP congressional class that basically tried to put every dark cloud they possibly could over the Clinton era, which was fitting considering that it should have been heeded as a warning for the stormy presidency to follow.

At least we'll have another few years before he dips his fat toe back into the candidate pool.  Unless he dies.  Nothing wrong with that....

Newtered

Republican presidential candidate and all-around sack of shit Newt Gingrich signed a pledge to uphold conservative values of the Iowa-based conservative Christian group The Family Leader in order to pander for votes and money for his campaign.  Yeah, like a pledge every kept a politician from thinking with his dick.

While the document is really just a checklist of right-wing beliefs - including states rights, preventing gay marriage, and promoting an anti-abortion agenda, his credibility can't support a simple like statement like "I also pledge to uphold the institution of marriage through personal fidelity to my spouse and respect for the marital bonds of others." If that sounds familiar coming out of one side of his fat mouth, it's because you've heard it a few times before, whole the other side of his mouth was sweet-talking his mistresses.

You see, he made a no-adultery pledge back in 2000 to current wife Callista, which should have made her feel comforted, since she was his plaything while he was married to Marianne Ginther.  And it did not serve as warning to Marianne back in 1981, when she received a no-adultery pledge after being the other woman to then-wife Jackie Battley.  And as you could have predicted, Battley got that same worthless no-adultery pledge when she and Gingrich married in 1962.

Of course, since Newty has gone on television and admitted his wrongdoing, all is forgiven, right? "In my case, I said up front openly, I've made mistakes at times...I've had to go to God for forgiveness. I've had to seek reconciliation." Well, if God - I mean , Newt Gingrich's God, has forgiven him, then surely there's plenty of red state voters who can too.  But at that level, he's already got the vote of those who are just looking at his pro-life, pro-state, and pro-family jawing and none of the actual actions of the person presenting them.

Gingrich has long been a typical scumbag politician of the highest degree, and once again he's jumping through the same hoops for show - and we shouldn't expect anything less from his kind.  But giving lip service to counter the mouth service he's done in the past isn't enough to make me think he's in going to stay in check - an more importantly, true to his words.

The Git 'Er Done Presidency

Ol' Dubya was disregarding legal and moral guidelines long before he got to the White House, so once he was there it was almost second nature.

From starting wars under false pretexts and redefining torture when it suited the end results, perhaps the worst abuse was during the run-up to the 2006 midterm election where Republicans lost control of the House. During that time, the Bush administration repeatedly broke the law by using federal funds to send Cabinet secretaries and other high-level political appointees to congressional districts of GOP candidates in tight races.

How'd he do it? "Because those trips were classified as official, funds from the U.S. Treasury were used to finance the trips and reimbursement from the relevant campaigns was never sought," stated the report by the Office of Special Counsel, the independent federal agency that enforces Hatch Act restrictions on partisan political activity inside the federal government. "In other cases, even when trips were correctly designated as political, agencies used U.S. Treasury funds to cover the costs associated with the trips and did not recoup those funds as required by the Hatch Act and its regulations."

OSC found that 10 agencies used federal funds to pay for political appointees to travel to events supporting Republican candidates in 2006 and were monitored closely by the White House Office of Political Affairs. That means there was White House oversight in breaking the law. Its one thing to mislead the American people to invade foreign nations for their oil, but this was a deliberate breaking of the law. The report says that aspects of OPA that came in conflict with the Hatch Act during the Bush era "have apparently existed for decades."

Unfortunately, Hatch Act violations are punishable with a maximum penalty of dismissal - and that's unavailable now that all involved have left the government. The 10 agencies that used federal funds to pay for political appointees to travel to events supporting Republican candidates in 2006 were the departments of Transportation, Interior, Housing and Urban Development, Education, Agriculture, Health and Human Services, Energy, the Veterans Administration, the Small Business Administration and the Office of National Drug Control Policy.

The Walking Dead

Former Vice President / Satanic minion Dick Cheney believes he'll have to make a decision on whether to have a heart transplant. Apparently, just feeding on the hearts of newborns is not enough to keep his thirst at bay him alive.

Cheney is getting by now on a battery-powered heart pump, which makes it "awkward to walk around", so he is mainly confined to his throne of skulls. He also says he hasn't made a decision yet on a transplant, but adds that "the technology is getting better and better". His hope is that science could allow a human heart would survive in his evil husk.

Cheney (69), suffered a heart attack last year, his fifth since the age of 37. He had bypass surgery in 1988, as well as two subsequent angioplasties to clear narrowed coronary arteries. Clearly, dark forces are literally hellbent keeping him alive. In 2001, he had a special pacemaker implanted in his chest, which was powered by the bio-electrical field that surrounds all living things. Though unconfirmed, it was said a cat or small dog could give him almost six hours of service. In 2008, Cheney had a normal rhythm - a beat, restored to his heart with an electric shock. It was the second time in less than a year that he had experienced the phenomenon referred to as a "pulse".

Announcement of the potential transplant will be signaled by a blood moon and massive earthquakes in the Ring of Fire.

A Vacation Weekend

It's the start of vacation, or more realistic terms, don't show up to work for a few days. Tomorrow is the MAGNA Krampusnacht, but right now it's recap time.

Best of the week: Time To Die!

An Ohio killer was put to death in an efficient 10 minutes earlier this week, becoming the first U.S. execution to use a single drug injection instead of the standard three-chemical combination. That system had come under legal attack because it can cause excruciating pain, which would cheapen the experience of sentencing a person to death and then executing them.

Kenneth Biros (51) was pronounced dead shortly after one dose of sodium thiopental began flowing into his veins at the Southern Ohio Correctional Facility. The U.S. Supreme Court had rejected his final appeal two hours earlier. Experts had predicted that sodium thiopental would take longer to kill than the old method. But the 10 minutes it took Biros to die was about as long as it has taken other inmates in Ohio and elsewhere to succumb to the three-drug combination. Sodium thiopental is a barbiturate often used to anesthetize surgical patients, induce medical comas or help desperately ill people commit suicide. It is also sometimes used to euthanize animals. It kills by suppressing breathing.

Ohio's switch to one drug was born of a botched execution attempt on another inmate in September, but critics of the three-drug method have long argued that it amounts to cruel and unusual punishment in violation of the U.S. Constitution because it can subject the condemned to extreme pain while leaving them immobile and unable to cry out. And there is nothing worse for a person convicted of a capital crime to have to suffer.

The three-drug method consists of sodium thiopental, a common anesthetic, along with pancuronium bromide, which paralyzes muscles, and potassium chloride, which stops the heart. The single-drug technique amounts to an overdose of the anesthetic — a method that injection experts and defense attorneys agreed would not cause pain.

Biros' executioners struggled for several minutes to find suitable veins, inserting needles repeatedly in both arms before completing the process on just his left arm. He winced once, and his attorney said he was concerned by all the needle sticks. But prison officials declared nothing amiss. So shut up, you lawyer prick, and say goodbye to your meal ticket.

In 2008, the U.S. Supreme Court upheld lethal injection in a case from Kentucky involving a three-drug method similar to the one used in Ohio and practically every other death penalty state. After a seven-month moratorium on the death penalty while the high court decided the case, executions resumed across the country. In its ruling, the Supreme Court said states would have to change from the three-drug process if an alternative method lessened the possibility of pain.

All 36 death penalty states use lethal injection, and 35 rely on the three-drug method. Nebraska, which recently adopted injection over the electric chair, has proposed the three-drug method but hasn't yet adopted it. Kentucky, Florida, South Carolina, Texas and Virginia are among those that have said they will keep the three-drug method. Ohio switched to sodium thiopental after a failed attempt to execute Romell Broom in September. Executioners tried for two hours to find a suitable vein, hitting bone and muscle in as many as 18 needle sticks. A hearing begins in federal court on Broom's attempt to block the state from trying again.

Biros killed his 22-year-old victim in 1991 after offering to drive her home from a bar, then scattered her body parts in Ohio and Pennsylvania. Before dying, he apologized for his crime. "I'm being paroled to my father in heaven," Biros said. "I will now spend all of my holidays with my Lord and savior, Jesus Christ." Yeah, you believe that, pal. Killing someone and scattering their parts across state lines sends you to Hell.

Also: Robbers took advantage of Brazil's passion for soccer to steal about $6 million from a cash delivery firm, as the nation was transfixed on championship games.

Police suspect the thieves tunneled into the firm's building in Sao Paulo and waited until Sunday afternoon, when the final games of the national championships were played, to break in and steal more than 10 million reais ($5.7 million). A security guard working at the firm on Sunday reported hearing loud noises but thought they were from fireworks lit by excited soccer fans. Guess who's going to be looking for a new job? Police said the thieves rented a nearby house several months ago and painstakingly dug a 490-foot long tunnel. They disguised themselves as residents, even putting a Christmas tree in the window.

If you're interested, Flamengo, a Rio de Janeiro club, won the championship in what was called one of the most exciting finales in years.

Plus: A chemistry student from the northern Ukrainian city of Konotop was killed when a stick of chewing gum exploded in his mouth. Juicyfruit indeed!

The 25-year-old student of Ukraine's Kiev Polytechnic Institute was working at a computer in his parents' house over the weekend when the incident occurred. "A loud pop was heard from the student's room," news reports said. "When his relatives entered the room they saw that the lower part of the young man's face had been blown off."

A forensic examination established that the chewing gum was covered with an unidentified chemical substance, thought to be some type of explosive material. Police questioning revealed that the student had a bizarre habit of chewing gum after dunking it into citric acid. On his table, police found both citric acid packets and a similar-looking unidentified substance, believed to be some kind of explosive material.

Investigators believe that the student simply confused the packets, and put the gum, covered with explosive material, into his mouth. Although the local forensic department does not have the necessary equipment to identify the substance, it refused to send it to the capital, Kiev, over fears that it might explode during transportation. Forensic experts from Kiev are expected in Konotop.

And: Weezer has canceled the rest of its December tour after singer Rivers Cuomo was injured in a bus crash in New York.

Cuomo and "band assistant" Sarah Kim suffered broken ribs and other injuries when the group's tour bus skidded on black ice, struck a guide rail and slid into a ditch. They were traveling to a show in Boston. A message on the band's Web site says Weezer is canceling the rest of its Raditude tour and will try to reschedule those dates.

Why is this part of the week's best? Because Weezer sucks. Yes, there were some good tracks on their first album, but after that, they've become increasingly unlistenable, and the last few albums have been pandering to Hot Topic shoppers and pre-teen hipsters. They're a caricature of what their band was, and their music and lyrics are dumbed down to the level of retardation. Their meta-ironic schtick is long past dull, and anything that keeps them from making music and polluting the earwaves of folks is good news to me.

Best picture of the week:

oh, Fox News...you really do just make shit up

Bonus picture:

Jersey Shore, I'm in love.

Best bonus links:
• Man's Ecstasy Collection Stolen - It was just to catalog all the different types, and now all that hard work is gone. Also, my money collection was stolen - can anybody help?
• Scientists Say Paper Battery Could Be In The Works - But plugging them in to recharge could be a fire hazard. Heh, butt plug.
• CBS Cancels Soap 'As the World Turns' After 53 Years - Now we'll never know if Kevin's evil twin is going to marry Sabrina's daughter.
• Spanish Cops Called In Over Allegation That Band Was Playing Contemporary Music At Jazz Festival - Man, that is so not cool. Some people know what jazz is!

Worst of the week: Goddamned Nazis!

First, a neo-Nazi gang member went on trial for murder this week with his swastika and other tattoos covered by makeup on the order of a Florida judge who thought they could prejudice jurors. Fuck that!

The judge ordered the state to pay for a cosmetologist to apply makeup before trial each day to cover up the tattoos on John Ditullio's face and neck, which include a swastika, barbed wire and an obscene word. More obscene that "Florida jurisprudence"?

Ditullio (23) is charged with stabbing to death 17-year-old Kristofer King in 2006 in New Port Richey, north of St. Petersburg. His lawyer argued in a pretrial motion that the tattoos, which Ditullio acquired after his arrest, could prejudice a jury. The judge agreed but ruled that any tattoos Ditullio had before his arrest should not be covered. Ditullio could face the death penalty if convicted.

Let's see...how many nice young men are accidentally and wrongly accused of a stabbing murder, and somehow end up with with Nazi tattoos on their face? Um, none? If you're a dumb piece of shit who gets arrested for that, and gets stupid ink afterwards, that's your fault. In fact, it should speed the process up - "Oh, Neo-nazi dipshit? Guilty!". What's next? Wigs for guys with bad haircuts and to stop anti-bald prejudice? Makeovers for ugly women on trial so they have a better chance? Making black people look white?

And on some second rate MMA fight show, the TUF 10 Finale , Hoelzer Reich got their shitty, embarrassing, hate based crap on there somehow. “Das Vierte Reich Hat Begonnen” means “The Fourth Reich has Begun”? Whoops! How can you not think Nazi when you hear the word reich? Maybe it just looked so different that it was hard to tell...

On the left, a shirt from AryanWear - that's clothing for racist morons. On the right, Hoelzer Reich’s version. Note the ‘Blood & Honor’ saying on the left shirt which is oh so suspiciously similar to Hoelzer Reich’s ‘Strength & Honor’ motto. ‘Blood & Honor’ used to be a Hitler youth slogan and is now widely used by skinhead groups. Funny how you only see these online...I want to see a genius slap this on and head downtown were I work. That'll be the last reich.

Also: Bollywood (I know it is one of your many interests) has a new movie out called 'Paa' - literally means 'father. Starring the First Family (father/son duo) of Bollywood - Amitabh Bachan and Abhishek Bachan are father and son. The roles are reversed in this movie. Abhishek (the son in real life) is cast as the father of Auro (played by Amitabh) who is suffering from the aging disease Progeria. Apparently, from the preview and the website, they believe you're also retarded if you have the disease, which isn't the case. C'mon, what's with the goofy spaz outs?

Plus: New York's oldest registered sex offender is scheduled to move by week's end out of a Buffalo halfway house for released inmates and into a place of his own, after completing his latest term in state prison for molesting little girls. It's a chapter that prosecutors, judges and others who know him never wanted — or expected — to see written. The judge who sentenced Theodore Sypnier said at the time that she expected him to die behind bars, but the 100 year old is soon to be free.

After his last arrest 10 years ago, Sypnier prepares to shed the closely monitored lifestyle of the halfway house, but its director warned that the spry and active Sypnier has not changed from the manipulator who used his grandfatherly charm to snare and rape victims as young as 4. "Whether he's 100 or 101 or 105, the same person that was committing these crimes 10, 25, 30 years ago still exists today and has an unrepentant heart," said the Rev. Terry King, director of Grace House, which has twice taken Sypnier in from prison. "He is someone that we as parents, as members of the community, any community, really need to fear."

Six months after marking his 100th birthday in the Groveland Correctional Facility — becoming the first New York inmate to reach the milestone while incarcerated, the retired telephone company worker now says he wants to get to know the youngest members of a family that has disowned him. Fat chance of that. "I'll tell them I never harmed any children," he lied. A former daughter-in-law said he is not likely to get the chance. "No one from the family plans to have any contact with him," Diane Sypnier said.

Being grandfatherly was how the 5-foot-5, 150-pound Sypnier found his victims, authorities say. After his most recent arrest at age 90 on charges of raping and sodomizing a 4-year-old girl and her 7-year-old sister, his neighbors recalled what appeared to be a kindly Sypnier offering rides to adults, handing out money to children so they could buy candy, and baby-sitting. Sypnier's convictions date to 1987, when he was given three years' probation for sex abuse. He spent a year in prison for sexually abusing a minor in 1994. His neighbors never knew of Sypnier's background because he was convicted before the adoption of laws requiring sex offenders to register with police.

Sypnier initially pleaded guilty in 2000 to two counts of rape, 15 counts of sodomy and endangering the welfare of a child for molesting the sister, as well as three other in Buffalo. An appeals court threw out the conviction in 2002 after Sypnier claimed he was confused at the time, leading to another plea the following year to a lesser charge.

Sypnier was released on parole in 2007, only to be returned to prison in 2008 after failing to attend sex-offender counseling. He completed his term in November and will be on parole through 2012. Until then, he's forbidden from using e-mail, chat rooms or social networking sites, hanging around playgrounds or schools, or spending time in bars. Currently he spends his days watching television, cooking, socializing in the halfway house and attending programming. Sypnier's new address has not been disclosed, but the law requires him to enter it in the state's sex offender registry. Although his age makes him New York's oldest registered sex offender, there is at least one older offender elsewhere. Bert Jackson of Utah is 103 and living under home confinement.

Please, somebody just go and kill these fucking perverts. It won't be much of a fight and you'd be doing the community a huge service.

And: E! Online reports that Smashing Pumpkins frontman Billy Corgan is now "officially dating" Jessica Simpson. Wow, there goes my last shred of respect for him. Yep, the ZERO clad, bald philosopher of the grunge generation is supposedly coupling with the emotionally tenuous "is this chicken or tuna?" pop trash bimbo, and that comes off a romantic link to uberwhore Tila Tequila and the on-again, off-again girlfriend dalliances with Courtney Love. I guess Corgan likes 'em emotionally fragile.

Worst picture of the week:

Yes, far more than Sonia Sotomayor.

Worst bonus links:
• British Spiritual Healer Suspected Of Killing Las Vegas Woman Is Arrested In Ventura - That is a pretty good sign you're a shitty healer when you kill someone.
• Elton Will Support Ukrainian Boy He Can't Adopt - This is taking the notion of a sugar daddy too far.
• Pop Culture Main Reason California Has Chihuahua Crisis - Yes, all those unwanted dogs are pop culture's fault, not the dumbasses who feed into pop culture by buying them.
• Mariah Carey 2001 Breakdown Linked To September 11 Attacks & Public ADD - I knew the terrorists were behind that awful film Glitter!
• Tiger Woods Didn't Wear Condoms With Two Flings - Something something two strokes something hole in one?

Pallid Fictions

"Sarah Palin's new book reprises familiar claims from the 2008 presidential campaign that haven't become any truer over time." Thus begins the terrific dissection of Going Rogue, the ghostwritten propaganda that comes out today which The Associated Press reviewed an advanced copy of.

Ignoring substantial parts of her record if not the facts, she depicts herself as a frugal traveler on the taxpayer's dime, a reformer without ties to powerful interests and a politician roguishly indifferent to high ambition. Palin goes adrift, at times, on more contemporary issues, too. She criticizes President Barack Obama for pushing through a bailout package that actually was achieved by his Republican predecessor George W. Bush — a package she seemed to support at the time.

A look at some of her statements:


PALIN: Says she made frugality a point when traveling on state business as Alaska governor, asking "only" for reasonably priced rooms and not "often" going for the "high-end, robe-and-slippers" hotels.

THE FACTS: Although travel records indicate she usually opted for less-pricey hotels while governor, Palin and daughter Bristol stayed five days and four nights at the $707.29-per-night Essex House luxury hotel (robes and slippers come standard) overlooking New York City's Central Park for a five-hour women's leadership conference in October 2007. With air fare, the cost to Alaska was well over $3,000. Event organizers said Palin asked if she could bring her daughter. The governor billed her state more than $20,000 for her children's travel, including to events where they had not been invited, and in some cases later amended expense reports to specify that they had been on official business.
___

PALIN: Boasts that she ran her campaign for governor on small donations, mostly from first-time givers, and turned back large checks from big donors if her campaign perceived a conflict of interest.

THE FACTS: Of the roughly $1.3 million she raised for her primary and general election campaigns for governor, more than half came from people and political action committees giving at least $500, according to an AP analysis of her campaign finance reports. The maximum that individual donors could give was $1,000; $2,000 for a PAC.

Of the rest, about $76,000 came from Republican Party committees.

She accepted $1,000 each from a state senator and his wife in the weeks after the two Republican lawmakers' offices were raided by the FBI as part of an investigation into a powerful Alaska oilfield services company. After AP reported those donations during the presidential campaign, she said she would give a comparative sum to charity after the general election in 2010, a date set by state election laws.
___

PALIN: Rails against taxpayer-financed bailouts, which she attributes to Obama. She recounts telling daughter Bristol that to succeed in business, "you'll have to be brave enough to fail."

THE FACTS: Palin is blurring the lines between Obama's stimulus plan — a $787 billion package of tax cuts, state aid, social programs and government contracts — and the federal bailout that Republican presidential candidate John McCain voted for and President George W. Bush signed.

Palin's views on bailouts appeared to evolve as McCain's vice presidential running mate. In September 2008, she said "taxpayers cannot be looked to as the bailout, as the solution, to the problems on Wall Street." A week later, she said "ultimately what the bailout does is help those who are concerned about the health care reform that is needed to help shore up our economy."

During the vice presidential debate in October, Palin praised McCain for being "instrumental in bringing folks together" to pass the $700 billion bailout. After that, she said "it is a time of crisis and government did have to step in."
___

PALIN: Says Ronald Reagan faced an even worse recession than the one that appears to be ending now, and "showed us how to get out of one. If you want real job growth, cut capital gains taxes and slay the death tax once and for all."

THE FACTS: The estate tax, which some call the death tax, was not repealed under Reagan and capital gains taxes are lower now than when Reagan was president.

Economists overwhelmingly say the current recession is far worse. The recession Reagan faced lasted for 16 months; this one is in its 23rd month. The recession of the early 1980s did not have a financial meltdown. Unemployment peaked at 10.8 percent, worse than the October 2009 high of 10.2 percent, but the jobless rate is still expected to climb.
___

PALIN: She says her team overseeing the development of a natural gas pipeline set up an open, competitive bidding process that allowed any company to compete for the right to build a 1,715-mile pipeline to bring natural gas from Alaska to the Lower 48.

THE FACTS: Palin characterized the pipeline deal the same way before an AP investigation found her team crafted terms that favored only a few independent pipeline companies and ultimately benefited a company with ties to her administration, TransCanada Corp. Despite promises and legal guidance not to talk directly with potential bidders during the process, Palin had meetings or phone calls with nearly every major candidate, including TransCanada.
___

PALIN: Criticizes an aide to her predecessor, Gov. Frank Murkowski, for a conflict of interest because the aide represented the state in negotiations over a gas pipeline and then left to work as a handsomely paid lobbyist for ExxonMobil. Palin asserts her administration ended all such arrangements, shoving a wedge in the revolving door between special interests and the state capital.

THE FACTS: Palin ignores her own "revolving door" issue in office; the leader of her own pipeline team was a former lobbyist for a subsidiary of TransCanada, the company that ended up winning the rights to build the pipeline.
___

PALIN: Writes about a city councilman in Wasilla, Alaska, who owned a garbage truck company and tried to push through an ordinance requiring residents of new subdivisions to pay for trash removal instead of taking it to the dump for free — this to illustrate conflicts of interest she stood against as a public servant.

THE FACTS: As Wasilla mayor, Palin pressed for a special zoning exception so she could sell her family's $327,000 house, then did not keep a promise to remove a potential fire hazard on the property.

She asked the city council to loosen rules for snow machine races when she and her husband owned a snow machine store, and cast a tie-breaking vote to exempt taxes on aircraft when her father-in-law owned one. But she stepped away from the table in 1997 when the council considered a grant for the Iron Dog snow machine race in which her husband competes.
___

PALIN: Says Obama has admitted that the climate change policy he seeks will cause people's electricity bills to "skyrocket."

THE FACTS: She correctly quotes a comment attributed to Obama in January 2008, when he told San Francisco Chronicle editors that under his cap-and-trade climate proposal, "electricity rates would necessarily skyrocket" as utilities are forced to retrofit coal burning power plants to reduce carbon dioxide emissions.

Obama has argued since then that climate legislation can blunt the cost to consumers. Democratic legislation now before Congress calls for a variety of measures aimed at mitigating consumer costs. Several studies predict average household costs probably would be $100 to $145 a year.
___

PALIN: Welcomes last year's Supreme Court decision deciding punitive damages for victims of the nation's largest oil spill tragedy, the Exxon Valdez disaster, stating it had taken 20 years to achieve victory. As governor, she says, she'd had the state argue in favor of the victims, and she says the court's ruling went "in favor of the people." Finally, she writes, Alaskans could recover some of their losses.

THE FACTS: That response is at odds with her reaction at the time to the ruling, which resolved the long-running case by reducing punitive damages for victims to $500 million from $2.5 billion. Environmentalists and plaintiffs' lawyers decried the ruling as a slap at the victims and Palin herself said she was "extremely disappointed." She said the justices had gutted a jury decision favoring higher damage awards, the Anchorage Daily News reported. "It's tragic that so many Alaska fishermen and their families have had their lives put on hold waiting for this decision," she said, noting many had died "while waiting for justice."
___

PALIN: Describing her resistance to federal stimulus money, Palin describes Alaska as a practical, libertarian haven of independent Americans who don't want "help" from government busybodies.

THE FACTS: Alaska is also one of the states most dependent on federal subsidies, receiving much more assistance from Washington than it pays in federal taxes. A study for the nonpartisan Tax Foundation found that in 2005, the state received $1.84 for every dollar it sent to Washington.
___

PALIN: Says she tried to talk about national security and energy independence in her interview with Vogue magazine but the interviewer wanted her to pivot from hydropower to high fashion.

THE FACTS are somewhat in dispute. Vogue contributing editor Rebecca Johnson said Palin did not go on about hydropower. "She just kept talking about drilling for oil."
___

PALIN: "Was it ambition? I didn't think so. Ambition drives; purpose beckons." Throughout the book, Palin cites altruistic reasons for running for office, and for leaving early as Alaska governor.

THE FACTS: Few politicians own up to wanting high office for the power and prestige of it, and in this respect, Palin fits the conventional mold. But "Going Rogue" has all the characteristics of a pre-campaign manifesto, the requisite autobiography of the future candidate.

"She Wasn't Some Fat, Dumb Mormon Fuckface"

Victim In Fatal Car Accident Tragically Not Glenn Beck

PR5 Weekend

Clearly, besides having to go to work tomorrow or spending Sunday struggling with a new chapter, the big event this weekend is the free show at Pasadena Rehearsal Studios for their five year anniversary. That you get not only a bunch of bands playing at no cost is a sweet deal, and with MAGNA headlining, you've hit the bonus. Let's get this out of the way and get to the show!

Best of the week: There's something about Ellen.

Not one but two baffling stories bringing America's top lesbian talk show host cum comedian (and I think the only one for that matter) to the forefront. First, the pander.

American Idol, a show I don't care at all about (because I have taste) but has captured NASCARmerica's heart, continues to do whatever it takes to keep the lowest common denominator suckling at it's crappy teet. And that is by bringing Ellen DeGeneres on as a judge. yes, you read that correctly.

This comes after the audition rounds where musicians Shania Twain, Victoria Beckham, Mary J. Blige, Joe Jonas and Kristin Chenoweth all fill the unnecessary 4th seat at the judges table. With Kara DioGuardi returning filling the third spot, is it really necessary to have a fourth judge that wasn't part of the program for the first seven seasons? I guess Simon has to have at least one incompetent idiot with no reasonable opinion being offered weekly to hack on. I thought the focus of the show was on the wannabes, not the inherent battles between a saucy, effete Brit and a sassy, masculine American? How long is it going to be before it's becomes a huge controversy what's said between the two?

“She is truly one of America’s funniest people and a fantastic performer who understands what it’s like to stand up in front of audiences and entertain them every day,” said Fox exec Mike Darnell. “We feel that her vast entertainment experience – combined with her quick wit and passion for music – will add a fresh new energy to the show.”

Which is what a music competition show needs more of, fresh energy and entertainment experience, not practical songwriting or performance experience. Mike Darnell, you're a fucking idiot. Paula Abdul my have been a drugged up has-been, but at least she had an inkling about music. Ellen's "greatest contribution" to music is dancing to it on her show...and there's our second part, the part where payback is a bitch.

Arista Music, Atlantic Recording Corp., Capitol Records, Motown Record Company, Sony Music Entertainment, Virgin Records America and Warner Bros. Records are suing "The Ellen DeGeneres Show," claiming producers violated their copyrights by playing more than 1,000 songs without permission. Maybe she's on Idol to learn how nationally televised shows have to get clearance for airing songs.

Many of the tunes were played during the "dance over" segment of the show, when DeGeneres dances from the stage to the interview area, often through the audience. According to the suit, when representatives of the recording companies asked defendants why they hadn't obtained licenses to use the songs, defendants said they didn't "roll that way." Are they saying that it's a gay thing, or that they're completely naive to the entertainment industry and how it works?

"As sophisticated consumers of music, Defendants knew full well that, regardless of the way they rolled, under the Copyright Act, and under state law for the pre-1972 recordings, they needed a license to use the sound recordings lawfully," the suit states. A spokesman for the show's Telepictures Productions, wrote that the company has been working with the record labels for months to resolve the issue and remains willing to resolve it on "amicable and reasonable terms." That means they will quietly settle once they see what type of legal and financial raping the record majors plan to bring if they resist.

The suit claims the daytime talk show has used copyrighted music without permission since its inception, including "recordings by virtually every major current artist of popular music." It claims the show routinely used some of the most popular songs of the day, which the record labels don't license for daytime television at any price. Other songs cited in the lawsuit include Michael Jackson's "Thriller"; The Beach Boys' "Good Vibrations" and Will Smith's "Gettin' Jiggy Wit It." The suit calls the segment and the music played by the show's own disc jockey "signature elements of the show." The only signature coming up is going to be on a check to the record companies. There's no way they are going to win this suit, and Ellen will also fail as a host. It's a two-for-one schadenfreude!

Best links:

• Police free 9 From Fake Big Brother House - fake program, real imprisonment. That totally busts my plan. I wonder, how attractive these nine Turkish women were...

• Hugh Hefner Files For Divorce In LA - after 11 years of separation from your wife where you banged girls in sets of three and seven, maybe you should do the honorable thing and dissolve your marriage.

• Masters Of The Universe Movie Is Canceled... - I'm shocked that Hollywood was able to refrain from making every single toy into a movie. It's no longer about ruining childhoods, it's just about pointless, shitty films coming out.

Worst of the week: South Carolina, fuck you!

Politico rightly asked what the hell is going on with their state government. You've got a cheating, lying governor in Mark Sanford, who despite disappearing from office for almost a week, refuses to step down, even at the request of his state legislature. The state's junior senator Jim DeMint touched off a firestorm of criticism by urging conservatives to "break " the new president by defeating health reform legislation - just because that's the contrarian, Republican thing to do. And now, congressman Joe Wilson has capped off the insanity with his outburst of "you lie" during the president's national address.

It's been covered by all the more eloquent observers - Chez, Keith Olberman, The Huffington Post, Bill Maher..., so I can't add much to the discourse other than support in questioning how in 2009 we have animals in charge in South Carolina. I'm talking untamed beasts. And not just because of their narrow-view of life from the right. It is a slew of behavior being emphasized by their political position that would already be childish and reprehensible. Joe Wilson is the camel-back breaking straw. It's like the thoughtless comments of Sarah Palin, but without the tits and naughty librarian fantasy.

Sure, in light of Vice President John C. Calhoun, who helped pave the way for the Civil War, to the late Sen. Strom Thurmond who was an ardent segregationist (except when banging the colored help), they are not as controversial, but such a turn in misbehavior and rhetoric is what is troubling. South Carolina, while filled with trucker caps, shitty American beer, and tobacco plantations looks even more the inbred, backwoods red state with these morons representing them. Perhaps their proximity to Florida is making them get shittier.

All of a sudden, South Carolina looks more like Lord Of The Flies with their leadership than the House Of Lords. While we can praise the Iraqi who took shoe aim at W, had that happened here they'd have been attacked. And if one year ago it was he and not Obama giving a presidential address getting shouted at by the opposition, it would have been pure chaos. Sadly, the Democrats are too ball-less to take him into the Senate gallery and beat him with rubber hoses the way he'd have been in the opposite situation.

Maybe they're just showing their true colors. 8th ranked among states with teen pregnancies. 3rd in unemployment with 11.5%. 2nd in total crime per capita. 43rd in income per capita. A nearly 60% drop off from high school graduates to bachelor degree grads. This is starting to make sense...

Runner up: Old Vagina 2 - Return To Skank Mountain

Look, you simpletons get Ellen on American Idol, do we really need to make another movie about the whores of New York? From what I can see from on-set pictures, this film is going to have more CGI and computer retouching than Avatar, Transformers, and the Lord Of The Rings trilogy in order to make this haggard trolls look even remotely close to feminine. I wouldn't fuck these two with a wooden dick.

Mocking Heads

I won't add anything else to this besides stating that Glen Beck deserves every horrible thing that happens to him, and I hope that the worse it is, the more agonizing and slow it is for him to suffer through.

When someone registers a domain like glennbeckrapedandmurderedayounggirlin1990.com, they probably expect to hear from Glenn Beck's lawyers In this case, it took two days. The site's anonymous operator says that the whole thing is satire — but that may not be enough to avoid charges of defamation.

The controversy started a week ago in the Fark forums, where someone picked up on an old Gilbert Gottfried roast of the "comedian" Bob Saget. During the roast, Gottfried repeatedly said (in this video) that Saget had "not raped and killed a girl in 1990." The Fark forums took the joke about the power of insinuation and applied it to right-wing talk show host Glenn "Obama is a racist" Beck.

One of the Fark readers then took the forum meme to the next level, registering a domain name and launching a web site in order to make a point about talking head TV demagoguery. "Why won't Glenn Beck deny these allegations?" asks the site. "We're not accusing Glenn Beck of raping and murdering a young girl in 1990—in fact, we think he didn't! But we can't help but wonder, since he has failed to deny these horrible allegations. Why won't he deny that he raped and killed a young girl in 1990?" At the very bottom of the page was a small text disclaimer saying that the site was satirical.

The anonymous owner of the site admitted that launching it "just felt right" — it flipped the "birther" non-falsifiable conspiracy theories about Obama's birth and citizenship around and applied the same tactics to one of the biggest talking heads (no pun intended?) on cable news. It's just "using Beck's tactics against him" and is a small way of "directing all this frustration" with Beck and others into action.

The site went up on September 1 and had a huge spike of initial interest—it served more than 120,000 page loads in the first 24 hours. By September 3, lawyers for Beck's media company, Mercury Radio Arts, had contacted the domain registrar demanding that the "highly defamatory domain name" glennbeckrapedandmurderedayounggirlin1990.com be deleted, that the WhoisGuard privacy protection service be revoked, and that the owner's contact information be turned over to the lawyers.

Registrar NameCheap didn't do this, of course, and Beck's lawyers sent another letter the next day, making the same demands. They also showed that they were reading the website: "We also note that it appears you contacted the individual, as he states on his website hosted on the Defamatory Domain that 'my webhost is taking some flak over this website, so if he gets shuts me down, it may take a bit to get rehosted.'"

The registrar did change the site's nameservers without alerting the owner, but allowed him to change them back once he contacted the company, and the site remains up. The owner also registered additional backup domains, such as "DidGlennBeckRapeAndMurderAYoungGirlIn1990.com" (form of a question!) and "gb1990.com" (inoffensive!). Beck's lawyers also filed a case with the World Intellectual Property Organization (WIPO) in Switzerland, the group which handles the worldwide domain dispute resolution process, on the grounds that the new website was improperly using Glenn Beck's trademarked name.

(Side note: Beck's name is in the process of being trademarked in the US. While most of the "goods and services" associated with the name are obvious ones like DVDs and books containing Beck's special brand of commentary, the mark is also reserved for use on "cups, ice buckets, mugs, non-metal piggy banks, ceramic and porcelain holiday ornaments." The thought of such an ornament hanging on a Christmas tree...)

Paul Levy of Public Citizen routinely stands up for Web users who complain about (or otherwise antagonize) deep-pocketed corporate interests, but when asked him about the site and the defamation complaints, he was happy to stay seated in his chair. The Communications Decency Act basically protects registrars and web hosts from liability for the content that people put up using such services, so the letters to the registrar aren't so much a legal threat as an attempt to get the website owner's contact info without a subpoena. And the trademark claims made at WIPO? Levy thinks they sound "preposterous."

But the possibility of a US defamation/libel suit against the anonymous site operator is a real one. Certainly, domain names alone "can be defamatory," Levy says, pointing out that the first iteration of the site posed the "rape and murder" claim as a statement—not as a question. Levy says that such a statement is only actionable if 1) it's false (and we're quite sure it is) and 2) it was stated with actual malice. That last bit could be tricky to prove, especially in a case involving an anonymous speaker, but Levy makes clear that the site might well be on the wrong side of a very fine line.

"I don't think 'Ha ha it's a joke' at the end gets you off," he says; if the parodic information is defamatory, it's risky for the defendant in such cases. That's complicated by the fact that the original domain name made the allegedly defamatory claim against Beck—and of course no one stumbling across the site in a search engine or elsewhere would see any disclaimer. In such cases, the domain name itself is a standalone piece of content; the disclaimer may help regarding the website content, but it won't necessarily transfer a cone of protection to the domain name as well.

Corynne McSherry, a lawyer for the Electronic Frontier Foundation, chose the same word to describe the WIPO domain name dispute process: "preposterous." But she's less convinced that Beck's lawyers have a case to make regarding defamation, even when it comes to the website's name. "I'm not sure of any case where someone has claimed that a domain name was defamatory," she said. And while domain names do pop up alone in search engines and other places, the public generally thinks of a site's name in connection with the full content of the site, not as some standalone morsel of content.

While acknowledging that the name is "pretty dramatic," she notes that this is often part of the point of parody—to highlight perceived outrageous behavior in one's opponents by upping the ante (think, for instance, of Jonathan Swift's vicious satire "A Modest Proposal" in which he proposes that the Irish poor make money by selling their children to the wealthy... as food). In McSherry's analysis, the site is "pure political criticism and there's nothing wrong with that."

When asking the site's owner whether he thought, on a human/moral level, if the joke had gone to far, there was a pause. "Would i do something like this to any random human being?" he says. "No way, of course not." But the site is intended as a parody and Beck is a public figure...

Will the site change any TV talking head tactics? The anonymous owner admits that it probably won't, but he says that the site "feels important to do." It "served as that release valve of frustration" for people angered by the tactics of talk show hosts. And yet, he had a moment of pause when someone wrote in to him saying that she had been raped as a young girl and that she found the site grotesque rather than humorous or insightful.

No lawsuit has yet been filed, and it's not clear how far Beck's lawyers will take the matter. Unless the site owner responds to the WIPO domain dispute, however, he will lose the original domain. On the site forums, readers are already thinking of ways to extend the satire. "Glenn Beck hosts a daily radio show from 9am-noon," wrote one. "I think we should begin calling and asking why he refuses to address his alleged rape and murder of a young girl in 1990... If you do call in, please record and upload, so we can share his answers (or lack there of) with the world."

Birthers Should Die

We spent eight years with an ilitterate retard running our country and yet there was not as much furvor and fury spent trying to disqualify him from office in spite of all his shortcomings as there has been during the six month old presidency of Barack Obama.

The attempts to call him a foreign born have gone to incredible lengths, including this "proof":

• the hospital is Coast Provincial General Hospital (sometimes said to be Coast Province General Hospital), not Coast General Hospital.

• Kenya was a Dominion the date this certificate was allegedly issued and would not become a republic for 8 months.
• Mombasa belonged to Zanzibar when Obama was born, not Kenya.

• Obama's father's village would be nearer to Nairobi, not Mombasa.

• the number 47O44-- 47 is Obama's age when he became president, followed by the letter O (not a zero) followed by 44--he is the 44th president.

• EF Lavender is a laundry detergent.

• would a nation with a large number of Muslims actually say "Christian name" (as opposed to name) on the birth certificate?

• his father (born in 1961) would have been 24 or 25 when he was born and not 26.

• it was called the "Central Nyanza District," not Nyanza Province. The regions were changed to provinces in 1970.

• dig that piece of paper, which certainly looks nice and new to be 45 years old -- unless the Kenyans were using acid-free paper back in 1964.

Bill Maher's op-ed piece the other day sums it up pretty well:

Never underestimate the ability of a tiny fringe group of losers to ruin everything.

For the last couple of weeks, we've all been laughing heartily at the wacky antics of the "birthers" -- the far-right goofballs who claim Barack Obama wasn't really born in Hawaii and therefore the job of president goes to the runner-up, former Miss California Carrie Prejean.

Also, when Obama was sworn in as president, he forgot to give his answer in the form of a question.

And yet, every week, the chorus of conservatives demanding to see his birth certificate grows. It's like they're the Cambridge police, Obama's in his house -- the White House -- and they need to see some ID.

And there's nothing anyone can do to convince these folks. You could hand them, in person, the original birth certificate and have a video of Obama emerging from the womb with Don Ho singing in the background ... and they still wouldn't believe it.

Which raises the question: Why, in this country, is it always the religious right that won't take anything on faith?

So far, the reaction from Democrats is to laugh this off, and I understand why. If you seriously believe that President Obama is an African sleeper spy, get out of your chat room and have your house tested for lead.

But we live in America, and in America, if you don't immediately kill arrant nonsense, no matter how ridiculous, it can grow and thrive and eventually take over, like crab grass or reality shows about fat people.

This flap might be a deluded right-wing obsession that is a total waste of time, but so was Whitewater, and look where that ended up. A handful of Republican operatives, enraged at Bill Clinton's unprecedented economic growth and budget surpluses, found a woman named Paula Jones, which led to a woman named Monica Lewinsky, which gave me enough material to eventually be able to buy a big house in Bel-Air. Which I'm still conflicted about.

More recently we had the Swift Boat allegations against John Kerry, in which Kerry was accused of volunteering to serve in Vietnam so he could jump in front of a bullet so he could get a medal and then throw it away to satisfy his urge to insult real Americans. This was so stupid that Kerry refused to even discuss it.

And we all know how well that worked out.

And once these stories get out there, they're hard to stamp out because our media do such a lousy job of speaking truth to stupid. Vietnam, Iraq and the Spanish-American War were all sold on lies that were unchallenged or even abetted by the media. Clinton got impeached and Kerry got destroyed in large part because the media didn't have the guts to say, "This is nonsense."

Lou Dobbs has been saying recently that people are asking a lot of questions about the birth certificate. Yes, the same people who want to know where the sun goes at night.

And Lou, you're their new king.

That's why it's so important that we the few, the proud, the reality-based attack this stuff before it has a chance to fester and spread. This isn't a case of Democrats versus Republicans. It's sentient beings versus the lizard people, and it is to them I offer this deal: I'll show you Obama's birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin's high school diploma.

Exasperated

On July 3rd, Sarah Palin resigned as governor of Alaska via an awkward, long-winded speech. How long-winded? She sounded like she was gasping for air every 5 seconds. This is a disturbingly hilarious video of all of her deep breaths.

No deep breaths were duplicated, and the video edits are presented in the order that they occurred.

Weekend Recap

You're not late to the party, it's just that things happened over the weekend...

Stenson Shoots 66 To Blow Away Field At Players - The lengths athletes will go to now just to win. Sportsmanship. Ability. Perseverance. These are things of the past.

Leno Takes Comedy Show To Jobless Ohio Residents - It's bad enough to be unemployed, but then to have Jay Leno force his "comedy styling" upon you? They can't catch a break out there in Ohio.

Pastry Chef Receives Double Hand Transplant - No word on whether he'll continue to lick his fingers to sample the food...or if that blender is going to finally get a safety guard on it.

Bronx Man Killed After Graduating From College - Education...not as well respected in the community as you may think. I think he would have preferred an internship or part-time job over death, but sometimes those are you options...

Flu Exposes Flaws In Mexico's Health Care System - The jewel in the country's crown, tarnished! Not like the drug cartel war against the police exposing a flaw in their civil safety system. Or the countless illegals roaming free across the border exposing the flaw in their national security or emigration system? I could go on and on. Is there a single system in their country that's not hopelessly flawed?

Pakistan Says 200 Taliban Fighters Killed In A Day - What did the Guinness people do today? Weigh the largest toe clipping? Or see how many text messages a teenager could do blindfolded? Here's a real feat you suckasses. Try keeping up with true records.

Cheney Backs Limbaugh Over Powell On GOP Future - Satan backs his puppet minion over this former puppet lackey. He's right - the bloated, hypocritical husk of Limbaugh is who will continue to drive the headless, aimless weakened party further into disarray.

Fido, Frequent Flier, Gets His Own Airline - Let's not have this sickly economy keep anyone from chartering flights for pets only. Besides, would you rather give that money to charity? I think not!

Judge: Men Can Slap Wives Who Spend Lavishly - Is that the only time? Come on Saudi Arabia, go bold! give us the full rundown.

Lost Tourist Search Turns Up Seven Corpses - Congratulations, you now have eight unhappy families!

Iran Moves To Reduce Number Of Executions - As long as they can reduce the number of homosexuals and infidels, they're pretty confident they can execute less of them people.

Storm Nixes Amy Winehouse Comeback, Fans Thankful - Even Mother Nature doesn't want to hear a junkie rip off 60's Motown tunes.

Indonesia: Ruling Party Wins Most Votes - Hmmm...militant theocracy maintains power through elections? But of course! (just kidding - it's a unitary presidential republic - like you know the difference)

Venetia Phair Dies At 90; As A girl, She Named Pluto - Great, you're dead, and your main accomplishment is de-emphasised.

Essence Of Douche

DXM, (as usual) FTW...

Swallowed as a single, sour dose, the average episode of Glenn Beck's nightly cable show goes down like liquid acid and produces just about the same result. To the uninitiated viewer, watching an hour of Beck's psychotic ravings, crackpot conspiracy theories, maudlin tales of personal tragedy, and generally demented sky-is-falling routine must feel a little like stepping out of reality and into a Dali painting.

But while no one jumps the crazy train as far off the rails as Beck these days, there is a certain method to his madness -- you just have to take a couple of steps back and look at the big picture for it to come into focus. As with any kind of seemingly incomprehensible insanity, there are patterns amid the chaos; the hallucinatory mania that fuels Beck's delusional behavior actually adheres to a pretty strict set of rules, even if those rules are based on fantasies and thought processes only Beck himself understands.

In other words, there's a blueprint to his batshit luancy. His shows follow a relatively by-the-numbers formula. In fact, once you crack the code of crazy, just about anybody can put together an episode of the Glenn Beck show.

Give it a try yourself. Just follow the simple multiple choice format below.

Open & Welcome: Glenn says hello, thanks everyone for watching and spends a few minutes...

1. Repeatedly asking the director to zoom in on his face while he screams about how the United States is on the "road to socialism."

2. Misappropriating the works of Ayn Rand.

3. Adjusting himself in his seat and creepily stroking his nipples while making faces which would indicate that he's taking no small amount of pleasure in it.

Glenn then welcomes his first guest (who agrees with everything he says):

1. Dennis Miller

2. Art Bell

3. His psychiatrist

Followed by a second guest (who disagrees with everything he says):

1. Dennis Kucinich

2. Al Sharpton

3. Shepard Smith

Glenn points his doughy finger and tells the guest he's/she's...

1. An enemy of the state.

2. A "scumbag."

3. Melting right before his eyes.

Then, apropos of nothing, he compares Barack Obama to...

1. Hitler.

2. The 9/11 families -- whom he still hates.

3. Troy Sullivan, the kid who lived up the block from him as a child and would come by when no one was home and make him dress up in his sister's clothes for "afternoon tea," although there was never any tea -- just pain, so much pain.

...And blames him for...

1. ABC's decision to cancel Twin Peaks.

2. His erectile dysfunction.

3. Everything.

Glenn then boasts about...

1. The overwhelming public response to that ridiculous "912 Project" initiative.

2. The numbers his show is pulling down at Fox, particularly in comparison to what he was getting at CNN.

3. What a friend he has in Jesus.

...And introduces a brand new segment of the show with the obligatorily muscular sounding name:

1. "The War Chest"

2. "The Men's Room"

3. "The Tool Box"

The goal of which is to...

1. Map out various apocalyptic scenarios since the inauguration of Barack Obama, as a service to America's paranoid survivalist sociopath community.

2. Prove that the moon landing was a hoax.

3. Impress Sarah Palin.

Next, once again apropos of nothing, he blurts out something random and completely irrational, like...

1. "There it is! Do you hear that? Don't tell me you can't hear that!"

2. "We surround them!"

3. "The government!"

...And claims that _____ is _____:

1. FEMA/constructing internment camps for America's dwarf population

2. global warming/bullshit

3. he/so fucking high

He then begins to cry uncontrollably because, in his personal life...

1. His wife Tania is finally divorcing him.

2. His AA sponsor committed suicide.

3. The hemorrhoids are back.

Finally, he composes himself, smirks, chuckles, and reminds viewers that...

1. He's so fucking high.

2. Due to a tachyon bombardment created by Ozymandias, he doesn't, in fact, have the ability to see the future.

3. It's all an act to get ratings.

Glenn thanks his sponsor...

1. Entenmann's

2. Supercuts

3. Zoloft

...And plugs his...

1. Book.

2. Radio show.

3. Ears against the voices.

Close & Goodnight: Glenn says, "Thanks so much for joining us tonight, and remember to tune in to the show tomorrow for..."

1. "Day 1,113 of my sanity held hostage."

2. "My exclusive interview with an angry chimpanzee dressed as Lyndon LaRouche."

3. "The end of days."

Toss to Special Report with Bret Baier, go home and sleep it off.

Newsday...Now!

What's happening? Here you go...

NAACP Says Bank Giants Steered Blacks To Bad Loans - N-Double-A-C-Please! Was that before or after the CIA introduced crack into the ghetto?

Obsessed Joker Fan Gunned Down By Police - Why so serious?

Can Marijuana Help Rescue California's Economy? - I don't know, but it's sure helping those effected by it.

The GOP's Little Superstar - If a 14-year old is the counterbalance to Rush Limbaugh, then the Republicans are officially pathetic and fucked. I have clothing older and wiser than you, and if you're not old enough to shave, your opinion is irrelevant.

Musicians' Brains Tuned to Emotions in Sound - Which explains why hearing Good Charlotte instantly makes me what to kill myself.

Bebe Winans arrested for domestic assault - Somebody you never heard of beat some dude up.

10 Drink Windshield Wiper Fluid At Ark. Day Care - Gosh, they grow up so fast! They'll be regular members of their community in no time!

Man Builds 747 Flight Simulator in His Warehouse, Earns Guinness Record - When a sex dungeon isn't enough, and World of Warcraft seams too boring...

Anna Nicole Smith's boyfriend, doctors charged - You mean to say you can't keep D-listers constantly doped up while you use them as your own personal money printing machine?

Twitter Paid $6 Or Less For Crowdsourced 'Birdie' Graphic - Proving you can still get ripped off even in this economy.