You're not late to the party, it's just that things happened over the weekend...Stenson Shoots 66 To Blow Away Field At Players - The lengths athletes will go to now just to win. Sportsmanship. Ability. Perseverance. These are things of the past.
Leno Takes Comedy Show To Jobless Ohio Residents - It's bad enough to be unemployed, but then to have Jay Leno force his "comedy styling" upon you? They can't catch a break out there in Ohio.
Pastry Chef Receives Double Hand Transplant - No word on whether he'll continue to lick his fingers to sample the food...or if that blender is going to finally get a safety guard on it.
Bronx Man Killed After Graduating From College - Education...not as well respected in the community as you may think. I think he would have preferred an internship or part-time job over death, but sometimes those are you options...
Flu Exposes Flaws In Mexico's Health Care System - The jewel in the country's crown, tarnished! Not like the drug cartel war against the police exposing a flaw in their civil safety system. Or the countless illegals roaming free across the border exposing the flaw in their national security or emigration system? I could go on and on. Is there a single system in their country that's not hopelessly flawed?
Pakistan Says 200 Taliban Fighters Killed In A Day - What did the Guinness people do today? Weigh the largest toe clipping? Or see how many text messages a teenager could do blindfolded? Here's a real feat you suckasses. Try keeping up with true records.
Cheney Backs Limbaugh Over Powell On GOP Future - Satan backs his puppet minion over this former puppet lackey. He's right - the bloated, hypocritical husk of Limbaugh is who will continue to drive the headless, aimless weakened party further into disarray.
Fido, Frequent Flier, Gets His Own Airline - Let's not have this sickly economy keep anyone from chartering flights for pets only. Besides, would you rather give that money to charity? I think not!
Judge: Men Can Slap Wives Who Spend Lavishly - Is that the only time? Come on Saudi Arabia, go bold! give us the full rundown.
Lost Tourist Search Turns Up Seven Corpses - Congratulations, you now have eight unhappy families!
Iran Moves To Reduce Number Of Executions - As long as they can reduce the number of homosexuals and infidels, they're pretty confident they can execute less
Storm Nixes Amy Winehouse Comeback, Fans Thankful - Even Mother Nature doesn't want to hear a junkie rip off 60's Motown tunes.
Indonesia: Ruling Party Wins Most Votes - Hmmm...militant theocracy maintains power through elections? But of course! (just kidding - it's a unitary presidential republic - like you know the difference)
Venetia Phair Dies At 90; As A girl, She Named Pluto - Great, you're dead, and your main accomplishment is de-emphasised.
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