Tits Ahoy This Weekend

Lamenting the sojourn to Croatia that Scarlett is on, if I was a naughty boy I would go to the annual Erotica LA convention.

As I have been it's champion for many years since I went, it's the best place to oggle the damaged goods and get yourself all the David Carradine toys you could ever want.

Sadly, Jennie Ketchum, aka "Penny Flame" won't be there, since she quit the business, but everybody loves a comeback (especially since her journal of her reclamation of her life post-pron conveniently features links to her adult website and merch store). Hell, they show back up more than characters on a soap opera. Because really, when you're in Gangbang MILFs 6, you're not leaving the business with a set of skills that translate into being a Fortune 500 CEO. But like Perry sang, man I love those whores.

Of course, it's not just skanks, stripper poles, and fake dicks. There's a sexy girlfriend/boyfriend contest, the LA Direct Models talent search, a live auction, the Infusion Burlesque show, vacation giveaways, the 2009 F.A.M.E. Awards, and most importantly, a "Career Center". Nice.

The confirmed sluts:

Now go wash your hands. This post is filthy.


UPDATE: Pictures were taken (sadly not by me) - very NSFW.

Faceburned

An interesting persepctiveby Douglas Rushkoff via The Daily Beast, for people who, for some reason, care about social networking.

At the minute that tomorrow night turns into Saturday morning, if all goes right, Facebook's servers will be overloaded by millions of people racing to register their personal usernames with the social media Web site, so that their friends—and anyone else in the known universe—will be able to find them even easier. Instead of trying "Douglas Rushkoff" in the site's search window, or laboriously tracking me through your own friends and groups, my name will easily show up on Google, and you'll be able to find me through a simple Facebook URL that I can trumpet to the world.

That is, if I manage to stake a claim to my own name. The personal stakes here are obvious. Doug Rushkoff is relatively unique, but pity the few thousand Robert Johnsons out there. If they’re lightning quick and fairly lucky during in the wee hours, they’ll get something sporty like www.facebook.com/RobJohnson. More likely, their overarching Facebook persona is doomed to RJ1167 or Mynameisrobertjohnsonyesitis.

It conjures memories of the way the original Web's many possible domain names were bought up by "domain squatters" who then sold people's names back to them. (I still haven't bought DouglasRushkoff.com for $2,000 from the company that purchased it for no other reason than to sell it to me.) This weekend’s name race won’t be as commercial—it’s one name per person, with no apparent way to sell it—but it will be far more frenetic. The domain-name gold rush slowly unfurled over months and years, as did the chase for desirable Gmail addresses. This is more than 200 million users, already engaged, simultaneously scrambling in the greatest territory dash since the Oklahoma Territory's land run of 1889, albeit with fewer shotgun injuries.

But Facebook's new page-naming scheme actually brings up other memories for me, ones that hold bigger stakes for the company itself. It reminds me of the moment that AOL, formerly a completely closed network with its own content, allowed its users onto the greater Internet for the first time. Internet USENET boards were filled with what we called "newbies" wandering around and asking anyone they could find how to download pornography. Formerly high-level conversations were quickly brought down to the lowest common denominator as a huge population of people uninitiated in basic Internet etiquette flooded the networks faster than we could educate them.

The impact was far worse for AOL. By opening itself to the greater Internet, AOL revealed itself as something of a wading pool. A mini-Internet. Once people could use AOL as a portal to the true, unadulterated, global net, the company was reduced to an ISP. AOL became series of phone numbers you dial to get online, and little more. Steve Case knew his moment was over, and used his inflated stock price to purchase some real assets like Time Warner. We all know how that turned out.

Facebook must be hoping the name change will not only make the site more user friendly, but also get people to start thinking of their Facebook pages as their public faces for both personal and business activities: true home pages.

That’s a problem. Facebook's relative detachment from the Internet is not a bug, but a feature. Its only competitive advantage in the Internet space—its only reason for being—was that it was more personal, more closed off, and arguably more private than the Internet itself. Even then, the biggest problem has never been how to get people to find you, but how to not friend many of those who do. Now that we'll be quickly findable via Google, what's left to distinguish this social-networking site from the social network that is… the Internet?

Moreover, by turning Facebook pages into real Web pages, the company reveals to its users just how close to the real Internet they've been all along, while removing the last few illusory boundaries between the mini-universe of Facebook pages and the greater ecosystem of the Net.

Facebook’s only competitive advantage in the Internet space—it's only reason for being—was that it was more personal, more closed off, and arguably more private than the Internet itself.

That shift, I believe, portends the beginning of the end for this social network. That may sound preposterous, but the short history of the Internet is littered with quickly fallen giants. They all appear to be permanent features of the digital landscape—Friendster, MySpace, Orkut, Napster, CompuServe—until they're not. A minute after midnight on Saturday may just be the moment 200 million more people find themselves thrown firmly onto the Internet, and in the process make Mark Zuckerberg’s digital wading pool obsolete.

The Curse Of Cheddar Bay

My friends and I have a yearly tradition that we refer to as LobsterFest. LobsterFest consists entirely of us comically harassing a Red Lobster restaurant and then seeing if they will be willing to serve us afterwards. This year was the 5th year anniversary of LobsterFest so we decided to go for broke and attempt to get banned from the restaurant forever.

Pronoun Bender

WWTDD once again does the dirty work, and considering it's a story about Chastity Bono, it's about as dirty and nasty as it gets.

Chastity Bono has revealed today that she is in the early stages of changing her gender, to transition from living as a woman to living as a man. From the looks of things, this should only take another hour or so. Someone get her a tie and she’ll be done. TMZ says:

“Yes, it’s true — Chaz, after many years of consideration, has made the courageous decision to honor his true identity,” confirmed Bono’s publicist, Howard Bragman.“He is proud of his decision and grateful for the support and respect that has already been shown by his loved ones. It is Chaz’s hope that his choice to transition will open the hearts and minds of the public regarding this issue, just as his ‘coming out’ did nearly 20 years ago.”

A report in the British Journal of Psychiatry said the suicide rate for people after a sex change is 1.9 percent. That’s 17,000 times higher than the suicide rate in the US. So it seems the problem is these problem are trapped in the wrong body, and once they get some things chopped off, everything will finally be ok. I also think that if you’re computer is acting funny, try sawing your keyboard in half. Don’t waste time with updates or whatever, it sounds to me and Chastity Bono that the problem is your computer was destined to have a keyboard that’s been sawed in half.

And TMZ was sort of coy about it but back in April, Ted Casablanca on E! said Chastity was pitching a reality show around town that would document her “sex-change operation.” So it would seem this isn’t just hormones and a hat. She seemingly wants a penis made by inserting prosthetic testicles and slicing a tendon behind her clitoris so it will flop around between her legs. To push the terror from a 10 to an 11, maybe they can fill her new nuts with cobra venom that she can shoot into your eyes.

A special double-fisted throatpunch goes out to her publicist, barraging us with the pronoun swap. Sorry dear, not until it happens can you swap your hes and shes. And it doesn't make it so no matter how much you repeat it. If that were the case, I'm Mr. Winona Ryder.

Know Your Enemy

Some hockey news even though we've been out of the mix since April and, other than the prayed for and received ousting of San Jose and Anaheim from the playoffs, not much else to say - though the Red Wings / Penguins series is hardly a repeat of last years match up.

The Dallas Stars named Marc Crawford as their new coach today, bringing in "a well-traveled NHL veteran" to replace the very fired Dave Tippett. It's not the first time Dallas has poached from Los Angeles. A few years back, they grabbed D Mattias Norstrom, and more recently, they gambled on Sean "sloppy seconds" Avery. So it's no surprise they're going with him and skipped this season's cast offs.

The coaching change is the first significant move by former player / general manager Joe Nieuwendyk since he was hired last month. Crawford has a 470-361-156 record in 13 seasons as coach of the Quebec Nordiques/Colorado Avalanche, Vancouver Canucks and Los Angeles Kings. He was the Avalanche coach when they won the 1996 Stanley Cup. His last season on the bench was for the Kings in 2007-08, when they were 32-43-7. In contrast, Tippett finished with a 271-162-59 record in six seasons with the Stars. He took them to the playoffs five times before falling short last season.

Whatever. We're going to smoke those fools.

100% Organic Vox

I keep going back and forth on Zooey Deschanel whether she's adorable or annoying. She's got a cute thing going, like Natalie Portman, but is never going to ratchet it up to sexy. She'll give off the indie cred and vibe, but then she'll do a commercial for...cotton? I know she does a singing little side project with M. Ward, but she's just fucking awful in this. I guess they though everybody was going to find her too adorable to notice how out of key and terrible her vocals are. Auto tune, pitch correct, vocoder - do something! If you want to sing about clothes, sing well damn it!

Chimp Chomp

Another in our series of "don't fuck with mother nature" stories...

The director of the Berlin Zoo made famous by the polar bear cub Knut has had his finger bitten off by a chimpanzee called Pedro. Sure, it's ethnic sounding, but his full name is Pedro Marciano Thor Mohammed Hwang O'Brien Schlutz.

Bernhard Blaszkiewitz (55, and now nine fingered) was feeding Pedro walnuts as he showed a visitor round the zoo Monday when the ape grabbed his hand and bit off his right index finger. Guess who's still getting laid tonight, although I think a sympathy hump was not the plan.

"Pedro is the boss of the group so he has to demonstrate a certain dominance in it to prove himself," a zoo spokesman said. "Under normal circumstances, a chimp would never have the chance to reach a keeper or our director." But under abnormal circumstances, it's all kinds of dangerous there. Given the disregard for rules and safety, we can expect Pedro to have a trophy necklace of fingers and ears in no time!

Doctors sewed Blaszkiewitz's finger back on but said it was not clear if the operation would be successful. Well, at least the reattachment part. Keepers said the incident would have no repercussions for the 28-year-old Pedro, because really, he's a monkey, and you don't punish the animal acting on natural instinct. If you punish anyone, it's Blaszkiewitz - sew the finger on backwards or something.

Once Upon A Mattress

I believe this is total bullshit, but I'll let you be the judge. And then tell you it's bullshit.

An Israeli woman mistakenly threw out a mattress she said had almost $1 million inside, setting off a frantic search through tons of garbage at a number of landfill sites. The woman said that she bought her elderly mother a new mattress as a surprise present on Monday — and threw out the old one. The next day, she said she remembered that she had hidden her life savings inside the old mattress. "I woke up in the morning screaming, when it hit me what happened," said the Tel Aviv woman, who smartly asked not to be identified.

She went to look for the mattress, but it had already been hauled away by garbage collectors, she said. Searches at three different landfill sites turned up nothing. She said the money was in U.S. dollars and Israeli shekels. She refused to say how she acquired such a large sum. "It was all my money in the world," she said. There was no way to verify her claims, and she refused to disclose key details, like what medication she was on or if scams like this worked before.

The Israeli daily paper Yediot Ahronot published a picture of the woman searching through garbage at a dump in southern Israel. The picture shows the woman, dressed in a white top and black pants with her back to the camera, picking through a huge pile of trash that fills the frame about 10 feet in all directions. Yitzhak Borba, the dump manager, said his staff was helping the woman, saying she appeared "totally desperate." He said the mattress was hard to find among the 2,500 tons of garbage that arrives at the site every day. He said the increased security at the site to keep would-be treasure hunters away. The woman said the money had been stashed in a mattress because she had had "traumatic experiences with banks" in the past. She would not elaborate, of course.

And also, bullshit.

Not Bad At Soccer

DDs For $$$

The ad for mymmoshop.com, which sells virtual currency for massive multiplayer online games like World Of Warcraft, is going to ruin the sweetest billboard in recent memory.

Previously unknown to the world at large, the company has contracted previously unknown to the world at large Russian porn starlet Anna Morgan to tattoo their company logo and URL on her breasts. The company feels that the link between porn, the interweb, and online gaming is "as strong as the pairing of peanut butter and jelly". Maybe they could have said Mountain Dew and Doritos.

By their logic, a female porn star can easily appear in 50-100 films per year so this gives their company a lot of exposure. Allegedly, the sandwich board with tits has just signed a multi year contract with Top Studios here in Porn Valley - although I'm even more skeptical because I've never heard of "Top Studios", and I've, ah...done research.

A press release says Anna is set to receive the tattoo "at Soul Tattoo Shop on June 15 of this year", which is where I'm sure lots of other skanks will be clamoring to get their moneymakers inked up for a paycheck. Or fanboys are expected to show up - that's Soul Tattoo, Anytown USA. She has agreed not to alter it in any way or have it removed for at least two years, but for half a mil, she can sit at home instead of being plugged in every orifice like a Dutch boy spotting a leak.

While it seems smart on the surface, the truth is that any gamer that knows anything about the website won't see the ad...they'd be too busy gaming to watch a skin flick. And vice versa.

Ish Don't Think So

Brüno’s lawyers have issued a response to the wildly-implausible-sounding lawsuit filed by the “waah, Brüno paralyzed me” lady. And the nice thing about Sacha Cohen’s lawyers is that they do not fuck around.

Your clients’ claims are demonstrably and ludicrously false. The actual footage demonstrates that Mr. Baron Cohen never touched Ms. Olson, much less assaulted her. To the contrary, Ms. Olson assaulted Mr. Baron Cohen, grabbing his arms from behind and attempting to pull him out of a chair. The footage shows that Ms. Olson never ‘fell to the ground,’ nor was she injured in any way.

Putting aside the impossibility of a camera crew physically attacking Ms. Olson while at the same time filming her, the actual footage reveals that the number of crew members and other persons who attacked your client is zero. The footage reveals that your client’s allegations are a complete fabrication.

If you do not file a voluntary dismissal of the complaint with prejudice, and if you do not do so by this Monday, June 8, our clients will avail themselves of every legal remedy against you and your clients.

I'm happy to see studios punished for their crappy rosters of films by having to pony up money, but not to lying shysters, and not when it's extortion on good film like Brüno.

The (Do Not) Watchwomen

You can't call it burlesque if you can't spell it right...never mind that it's closer to a poorly choreographed senior talent show bit. The only tribute this is to is to suck.

Hung Fu

Unlike him, the David Carradine story won't die. First, The New York Post and their brilliant story on the real killer!

A secret sect of kung fu assassins could have silenced actor David Carradine as he delved into their shadowy activities, according to his family’s lawyer, Mark Geragos. He suggested that Carradine may have been killed as he tried to uncover groups working in the martial-arts underworld. The lawyer said the actor’s family refuses to believe he died in a sadomasochistic sex stunt gone wrong — despite his being found naked with a rope tied around his neck, wrists and genitals.

The bizarre (read: retarded) claim was made on “Larry King Live” last Friday after a panel member said, “David was very interested in investigating and disclosing secret societies.” “What that means is connected to martial arts and his interest in martial arts,” he continued. “And so there is a suspicion that if there was some foul play, that that may be the first area where they should look.”

Sure...but just in case that angle doesn't pan out, there's other famous folks who didn't know when to release, so Carradine's family can not be as embarrassed.

• In 1791, composer Frantisek Kotzwara was the first recorded death by erotic asphyxiation. He was strangled with a rope during sex with a prostitute. The hooker -- who claimed Kotzwara opted for EA only after she refused to cut off his testicles -- was acquitted of his murder.

• After strangling her lover to death in a mutual sex game, Sada Abe caused a sensation in 1936 Japan after being arrested with his genitals in her handbag. She served five years in prison, and we have no idea if it was a Hello Kitty handbag.

• Underground comic-strip artist Vaughn Bodé in 1975 either died in a motorcycle accident or of erotic asphyxiation, depending on whom you ask. We prefer to think he was attempting erotic asphyxiation while riding his motorcycle.

• Michael Hutchence, the Morrison-esque frontman of INXS, remains the poster boy for auto-erotic asphyxiation gone terribly wrong, although his 1997 passing is still officially listed as a suicide.

• In 1994, British MP Stephen Milligan delighted the Fleet Street tabloids by being found dead of suspected erotic asphyxiation combined with self-bondage.

• In 2004, British National Party member Kristian Etchells also accidentally offed himself via EA. This is why the English laugh at our silly political sex scandals involving oral sex and wide stances.

Season 2 Chapter 2

Part deux of the new season of His Words - Not Mine. Go on and read it - you're only one chapter from the begining.

"We've Got A Bleeder"

All weekend I've been listening to the latest Goblin Cock album, Come With Me If You Want To Live. How many projects does Rob Crow have outside Pinback? I think this makes sixteen...

Storybook Weekend

So it's my turn to take a crack at the second season of His Words - Not Mine, and I'm going to be winging it, but if 26 weeks is too long to wait to get a full tale, try this Hollywood-esque story...

A rancher struggling to eke out a living in one of the poorest corners of America claimed one of the biggest undivided jackpots in U.S. lottery history Friday — $232 million — after buying the ticket in a town by the name of Winner. Motherfucker.

Neal Wanless (23) said he intends to buy himself more room to roam and repay the kindness other townspeople have shown his family. "I want to thank the Lord for giving me this opportunity and blessing me with this great fortune. I will not squander it," he promised. Damn it, Jesus - really?

Wanless, who is single (!!!, ladies), lives with his mother and father on the family's 320-acre ranch near Mission, where they raise cattle, sheep and horses. They don't own a phone, a mobile home of theirs was repossessed last year, and records show they have fallen $3,552 behind in their property taxes.

Wanless bought $15 worth of tickets to the May 27 30-state Powerball drawing at a convenience store in Winner during a trip to buy livestock feed. He will take home a lump sum of $88.5 million after taxes are deducted. The Wanless home stands in a grove of trees in Todd County, home to the Rosebud Sioux Tribe. It was the nation's seventh-poorest county in 2007, according to the Census Bureau.

Dave Assman (are you kidding me?), who owns farmland next to the Wanless ranch, said he is happy the family won't have to worry about money any more. "They've been real short on finances for a long time," Assman said. "They are from real meager means, I guess you'd say."

"I hope they enjoy their money," said county assessor Cathy Vrbka, a family friend. "They work hard, backbreaking hard work." Insert "broke", "back", "mountain" of money jokes wherever you like.

Wanless' father, Arlen , made a living in recent years mainly by buying and selling scrap metal, but his fortunes dropped with the price of iron, said Dan Clark, an auctioneer from Winner and a friend of more than two decades. The younger Wanless told lottery officials that he spent the last week working on the ranch and that he intends to continue that lifestyle, albeit on a larger piece of land. According to lottery officials, he recently told his horse, Eleanor, "It'd be nice if we go for a longer ride than usual on a bigger ranch of our own."

Great, a heartwarming tale of a hayseed who talks to his horse and has the resurrection to thank for his fortunes. Meanwhile, my college-educated ass will be back downtown on Monday, at the grindstone.

D-Day

It's D-Day, and that's National Doughnut Day...I'm just finding this out now, otherwise I would have taken the day off.

The Salvation Army created the holiday, which is always celebrated on the first Friday in June. Yes, a fake army and a made up holiday - started in 1917 to boost the morale of troops fighting in WWI. Allegedly those doughnuts were fried in oil inside an American soldier's metal helmet. This would later give way to waterboarding as an interrogation technique.

Dunkin' Donuts and Krispy Kreme outlets both are commemorating the holiday by giving out free doughnuts. To get your free grub at Dunkin' Donuts, you'll need to buy a drink, but there are no strings attached at Krispy Kreme.

Praised Be

Two police officers pin a man to the ground and try to handcuff him. At 1:10 in he prays awesomely upon Yahweh, which must have worked. Not even a tazer can stop him!

Killed Bill, Vol 2

What was my snide joke in comparision to the dead INXS singer seems to be the truth, as noted by WWTDD, and they don't fib!

When the news first broke that David Carradine was found dead, hanging from a closet in a hotel in Bangkok, the BBC was the first to suggest that his death was the result of autoerotic asphyxiation. The second paragraph of their original article said…

Thai police told the BBC the 72-year-old was found naked by a hotel maid in a wardrobe with a cord around his neck and genitals.

“Genitals” was later changed to “other parts of his body.” But now TMZ says a rep for Carradine is officially calling the death “accidental.”

Carradine’s body was found nude, hanging in a closet. David’s rep added, “We can confirm 100% that he never would have committed suicide. It was an accidental death. Everybody is in shock.”

Well, if he was hanging, and it wasn’t suicide, and he wasn’t in Mike Tysons playroom with it’s tentacle-like treadmill chords, and he wasn’t fighting Bruce Willis on a stairwell, that pretty much leaves jacking off. At best. At worst he was with some whores. Although that sounds pretty cool too. His penis died while exotic ladies strung him up with ropes. His penis was like Indiana Jones.

Top Stories This Thursday

Lightning Strike Kills Boy At Baseball Game - Three strikes, he's out.

Human Laughter Echoes Chimp Chuckles - Further proving the evolutionary connection between the two species. But what about the poo-flinging? Can't we link that too?

Denise Richards: I Had Three Boob Jobs - No, that's not the name of her new show. All that money wasted, when she could have taken acting lessons. See what Charlie Sheen will do to a woman!

Pelosi Outlines Dem Agenda - Included was dem plans, dem ideas, dem thoughts, and dem bones.

Patients Pay Tribute To A Murdered Doctor - Which patients? Because with an abortion doctor, it the pregnant woman or the fetus?

Topless Coffee Shop Burns Down; Official Says It Was Arson - Now where am I going to get a Iced Vanilla Titty Latte?

Mom Stabs Bus Driver In Stroller Dispute - What the headline doesn't tell you is that the woman poured milk on the driver before the chest stabbing. That's not super important, but weird, and for that reason should be in there.

Report: Patrick Swayze's Show Gets Canceled - Oh my God! His show also has cancer? That's terrible! The poor guy...wha? Oh, canceled...nevermind.

Braves Release 305-Game Winner Tom Glavine - It's just shocking that a 43-year-old coming back from shoulder and elbow surgery would get the ax. Nobody can say they saw it coming.

Australia's Troops Aghast At Dutch Food - Apparently, they head about a Dutch oven, and were too disgusted to want to eat anything.

No Scars: New Obesity Surgery Goes Through Mouth - Is the irony killing you too?

Jolie Overtakes Winfrey On Forbes' Celebrity 100 - Forbes most useless list is out. But don't worry O-Nation, the woman filled with pure nougat overtook Angelina at the buffet, along with all other diners.

New England Economy Could See Gay-Marriage Boost - B+B business, commemorative maple syrup containers expected to be top money earners.

Ducklings Down Drain Rescued - C'mon, it's not all bad news today.

Questions Remain On Opel As Magna Pushes To Finalize Deal - Sadly, this is not the same, beloved MAGNA that we care about. But if there's one thing I know about MAGNAs in general - they tend to be awesome!

Yankees Reinsert Wang In Starting Rotation - Seriously, these things just write themselves sometimes.

Kenya Welcomes Obama's Speech To Muslim World - Why is it that everything that happens must be commented on by Kanye West? Like he's the authority on life and the world? Especially when....wait, it's a what? Oh...nevermind.

Dad: Son, 9, In Brazil Now 'Emotionally Damaged' - Yes, far more than having grown up in New Jersey.

Activision Sues To Stop Jack Black Game - If they can't stop him from making movies, at least they're going to work on blocking him on the small screen.

Rape Suspect Released From Hospital - Yes, the man accused of sexually assaulting an 11-year-old is leaving the hospital after he was attacked by an angry mob. Just a heads-up to all the vigilantes who put him there...

Killed Bill, Vol 1

David Carradine was been found dead in Bangkok. News reports said he was found hanged in his hotel room and was believed to have committed suicide. Perhaps we could say we saw it coming?

A spokesman for the U.S. Embassy confirmed the death of the 72-year-old actor, and authorities stated that Carradine died either late Wednesday or early Thursday. It said Carradine was in Bangkok to shoot a movie and had been staying at the hotel since Tuesday. Local papers said Carradine could not be contacted after he failed to appear for a meal with the rest of the film crew on Wednesday, and that his body was found by a hotel maid at 10 a.m. Thursday morning. The name of the movie was not immediately available, but you can bet they're scrambling to get that part recast (NOTE - rumor is it was the very ill-named Stretch).

A preliminary police investigation found that he had hanged himself with a cord used with the room's curtains. It cited police as saying he had been dead at least 12 hours and there was no sign that he had been assaulted. Also, no word if it was a Michael Hutchence type of suicide (if you catch my drift). Authorities were mum on a tall blonde in a yellow track suit, seen in the vicinity, and more details will likely come out as time passes.

Carradine was a leading member of a venerable Hollywood acting family that included his father, character actor John Carradine, and brother Keith. In all, he appeared in more than 100 feature films with such directors as Martin Scorsese, Ingmar Bergman and Hal Ashby. But he was best known for his role as Kwai Chang Caine, a Shaolin priest traveling the 1800s American frontier West in the TV series "Kung Fu," which aired in 1972-75.

UPDATE: Sheesh! No respect for the dead. But, he was allegedly found naked, in a closet...

Gangsta Bird

Please, let's keep abortion legal.

Heroic DJ

Much as Guitar Hero won't make you a real guitarist, DJ Hero is not going to make you club ready, but that doesn't mean you can't try.

The gamer deck has been revealed, and in addition to the turntable, there will be a second, clip-on component, which includes a cross-fader, effects dial, "Euphoria" button (star power) and the requisite d-pad and control pad buttons, which are hid tastefully beneath a flip-up cover. Unlike the silver turntable, this pad will come in a muted, metallic gold scheme.

How does the game actually work? It's mostly like Guitar Hero, with notes cascading down the screen towards you, however this time around there are only three notes, with complexity coming from the fact that in addition to hitting those three, you need to have the cross-fader in the right position. Replacing sustained guitar notes will be scratching sections, with small arrows in the coloured line telling you which way to turn. Here's a short video on the controller.

A few confirmed tracks for the game:

"Feel Good Inc." (Gorillaz) vs "I Heard It Through the Grapevine" (Marvin Gaye)"

Jayou" (Jurassic 5) vs "Rockit" (Herbie Hancock)"

Bustin' Loose" (Chuck Brown) vs "Time of the Season" (The Zombies, DJ Shadow Mix)

"All Apologies" (Nirvana) vs "Give It to Me Baby" (Rick James, DJ Shadow Mix)

"Let's Dance" (David Bowie) vs "Jack of Spades" (KRS One, DJ Shadow Mix)

"Shout" (Tears for Fears) vs "Pjanoo" (Eric Prydz)

Prize Winning Feats

Melissa Joan Hart was a celebrity according to wikipedia, and this week's People magazine confirms it. She’s on the cover, and my sources tell me it’s because a horrifying photo led the her to take control. So she lost 42 lbs! This comeback is very important to Melissa, and no punkass cancer patient better get in her way.

(Melissa) was overheard off-camera at KTLA in Los Angeles on Friday saying how she’d been hoping last week that cancer-stricken Farrah Fawcett wouldn’t die — and thus bump Hart off the cover of People magazine.

It’s too bad that Farrah had to go and selfishly live, because if she died Melissa might be desperate enough to have done a Weekend At Bernies thing and stole her corpse and put some sunglasses on her and then driven around town in a convertible. She could force a broom through the bottom of her passenger seat and then push Farrah down on that to keep her upright like when you roast a turkey, then hook a stick to Farrah's hand so she could make her wave. Another good idea would be to have a tape that says, “Hi, good to see you too. Yes I feel great thank you for asking.” Then Melissa would need to drive away very fast because that may or may not be what the person asked.

(via WWTDD, FTW)

Slumdead Dumbass

India has not yet been outsourced shielded electrical cables. Or warnings not to grab them.

Gaga Dumb Dumb

For the sixteen people who still follow Rolling Stone's cutless edge of news, this week you were treated to the ocular version of herpes gracing the cover - Lady Gaga.

I usually can avert my gaze and ignore the talentless hacks that get stabbed into the public eye, but there's just something extra annoying and shitty about Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta, nom de Lady Gaga.

First, the horrific ensembles she wears. Granted, anybody shaped like a stubby sausage shouldn't be so fond of leotards and skintight outfits, but this is absurd. If Eurotrash had sex with an 80's video and their baby was retarded, that would be Lady Gaga's wardrobe. Hats, gloves, glasses - even carrying a teacup and saucer...it's every bad affectation rolled into one ostentatious, desperate package. She looks more retarded than a special ed class.

In the article and slowly being put into the media is this notion that Lady Gaga is some kind of new sex symbol. Dead fucking wrong. "I think I’m changing what people think is sexy," she says, and I ask who? There are ads for dentures with more sex appeal than her, and all the jacked-up quotes she makes are just goddamn stupid. According to Little Miss Hype, she's bisexual, wants a foursome with the Jonas Homos Brothers, bangs in the back of taxi cabs, and leaves lame souvenirs after sex (besides crabs). Let's get it straight - Lady Gaga is a tampon compared to Peaches, a true electropop ultra sex freak, and not even her best day could compare to the raunchy, raukus eroticism of the teaches of Peaches.

no fucking contest

As a "musician", there's nothing there either. Say what you will about Katy Perry, who also suffers from trying-too-hard-syndrome and is afflicted with high cut underwear, but that bitch can sing. Pop music, as temporary as it may be, kills dance music, and at least Katy Perry can switch it up from tune to tune. Lady Gaga may be the apple of hipster's eyes, but being the modern version of Cher on gay dance club's playlist ain't sayin' much. If she was even 10 percent as good looking a Katy Perry she could at least coast somewhat on her lack of talent, but Lady Gaga is as awful as she is ugly.

still no fucking contest

If ever there was somebody who deserves to die so that her blight was no longer the bane of our ears and eyes, it's Lady Gaga. C'mon lunatic stalkers, do your thing!

Coke Bull

Hong Kong officials say they have found traces of cocaine in cans of Red Bull, a few days after Taiwanese authorities confiscated close to 18,000 cases of the popular energy drink - and you can bet they're going to keep it for themselves!

Officials at the Centre for Food Safety said a laboratory analysis found tiny amounts of the drug in samples of "Red Bull Cola," "Red Bull Sugar-free" and "Red Bull Energy Drink". The drink has now been taken off the shelves of major supermarkets, a spokesman said, and added that the amount of cocaine found in the drinks posed little health danger. But damn if they didn't make the drink better. Red Bull moved quickly to deny the findings and said independent tests on the same batch of drinks had found no traces of cocaine.

Yet this comes on the heel's of last week's discovery of trace amounts of coca leaf in Red Bull Cola, resulting in six German states banning the drink. According to authorities, the substance requires the beverage to be classified as a narcotic, requiring a license for sale. (Of course, even Coca-Cola didn't become entirely cocaine-free until 1929.)

Red Bull said coca leaf extracts were used worldwide as a natural flavouring, and that its own tests had found no traces of cocaine. The illegal cocaine alkaloid - one of 10 found in coca and representing only 0.8% of the plant's chemical make-up - is chemically removed before use, as mandated by international anti-narcotics agencies. "There is no scientific basis for this ban on Red Bull Cola because the levels of cocaine found are so small," Fritz Soergel, the head of the Institute for Biomedical and Pharmaceutical Research in Nuremberg, Bavaria, told Time magazine. "And it's not even cocaine itself. According to the tests we carried out, it's a non-active degradation product with no effect on the body. If you start examining lots of other drinks and food so carefully, you'd find a lot of surprising things."

Red Bull's Asia Pacific marketing director, Daniel Beatty, said the firm strongly disputed the findings. "It would have been absolutely impossible for the Hong Kong or any other authorities to have found traces of cocaine in Red Bull Energy Drink," he said in a statement, and then brushed away some mysterious white substance from his nose. "We expect the Hong Kong authorities to recognize their error soon," he said, adding the firm's representatives were already meeting with Taiwanese authorities to point out the error (possibly with a monetary suggestion).

Meanwhile, Taiwanese authorities ordered the drinks to be removed from shelves pending further investigation.

A Little Hustle

Double-O Mouthful

Across the pond, lusty lasses can suck on Daniel Craig’s hot, rippled, naked body - for one week only.

Continuing the bawdy, naughty tradition of keeping a running, low grade kinkiness in the public mind, 1,000 British women were asked which male celebrity they’d want to shove into their mouths and lick - in popsicle form. Daniel Craig was the big winner, and the edible, artistic rendering of him coming out of the ocean in James Bond 007: Casino Royale was born.

Del Monte Superfruit Smoothies created the flavor combo of blueberry, pomegranate, and cranberry, and the popsicles about 100 calories each. Craig was chosen over fellow British actors Hugh Grant and Jude Law for the title of most lickable man. The limited edition man-on-a-stick part of Great Britain's National Ice Cream Week, which starts today.

Season 2 Chapter 1

It begins again!

His Words - Not Mine, Season Two is off and running again. Check it out - I will, since I have no idea what was written and have to follow up with a chapter of my own next week!

Analog Hacking

On the trip to Wisconsin, I picked up the latest Wired magazine, and what I didn't read on the plane has been whittled away in bathroom increments. Towards the the back was an interesting article on master lockpicker Marc Weber Tobias, who challenged high security lock company Medeco's claim that its locks are "bump-proof" (that is, that they can't be simply broken by filing down a key, inserting it, and tapping it, sending a shock down the metal that makes the pins jump).

Medeco launched an aggressive campaign to market its products to people who were worried about bump keys...and Tobias showed that their locks aren't substantially harder to bump than cheaper models from competitors. Medeco sent Wired a note that said Tobias's claims were true and implied that Wired might be sued for publishing them, so Wired set up a test, and then Medeco raised a flurry of vague, lame objections to the test. But the test speaks for itself -- the Medecos fly open at Tobias's caress. Read more here about how safe top secret documents, nuclear materials, and all the scary stuff you don't want to see fall into the wrong hands can.

So easy, even a child can do it!