Casablanca? They Were Misinformed

You're invited to visit...but your gay ship is banned.

Cruise liner Holland America Line and RSVP Vacations were told the 2,100 vacationers aboard the MS Nieuw Amsterdam ship that their July 1 visit to Casablanca had been cancelled.  "Our port agent in Casablanca has advised us that authorities in Morocco have - despite previous confirmations - now denied our scheduled visit," the two companies said.  "It was ultimately the decision by local authorities in Morocco that has necessitated us to adjust our plans." The stop was supposed to the only non-European stop on the week-long journey that lest out of Barcelona.

Morocco's Tourism Minister said no official decision had been made to prevent the ship from stopping in Morocco, but if that was the case, why would they abort? "We don't ban cruise ships here and we never ask our visitors about their sexual preferences," he told reporter, adding the ship could still visit Morocco.  How very safe to say, now that they're not coming.

The ruling coalition of the country is led by moderate Islamists of the Justice and Development Party, who came into power in December as part of the regional wave of support that was in contrast to the recent Arab revolts.  Their conservative law deems same-gender sexual relationships "lewd or unnatural", which is punishable with six months to three years in jail. No political parties call for ending laws against homosexuality, but Morocco's Islamic-inspired penal code that bans sex outside marriage and Moroccans buying alcohol.  Authorities are somewhat tolerant, as couples display public affection and locals often outnumber tourists in bars and night clubs, but the pending arrival of "a gay cruise ship" by the media hardly prevented the boondoggle.

Moroccan tourism sector accounts for 10% of Morocco's GDP and 450,000 jobs, and clearly favors a "don't ask - don't tell" vacation itinerary. The ship ended up docking in the Spanish port of Malaga, which was fabulous.

2016

Film Drunk breaks this masterpiece down:

•A Predator says something scary in a robot voice.

•This causes a young boy walking down a street somewhere to be attacked by a flying motorcycle, which cracks open his skull.

•A predator shoots a bullet from his chest and a dude dodges it, Matrix-style

•The predator throws a ninja star, which is also dodged.

•The ninja star continues flying, only to be stopped in mid-air by a TERMINATOR, who deflects it using some kind of forcefield.

•The Terminator pulls a Lamborghini out of thin air and throws it on top of a lady. The lady had been sitting in the middle of the street for some reason.

•A cell phone explodes

•A dude explodes

•The predator kicks a car

•A dude dodges the car

•The predator kicks him in the face

•THE PREDATOR KICKS A BABY!

•The trailer ends in mid shot.

Grab Your Copy Now

You've no doubt seen Uganda’s first action film, Who Killed Captain Alex...are you ready for the latest blockbuster from Ramon Films? It's The Return Of Uncle Benon.

What Took So Long?

"AAAAAALALALA ACTION! AAAAAALALALA ACTION! "

The trailer for Who Killed Captain Alex, described as “Uganda’s first action film” is likely to have you asking "wait, which one is Captain Alex", likely in the same breath as "WTF is going on?".

Uganda’s The Observer, had this gem from the producers:

“When we approached CPS [Uganda's Central Police Station] about the project, we were told that we [film industry] are not yet at that level. They could only provide us with police uniforms,” he says. “But we had asked them to provide us with helicopters, guns, tankers and access to army barracks. So we had to settle for the computer.”

It is understandably easy to acknowledge government’s safety and security concerns given that even trained personnel have had their own issues with guns. Moreover, production happened during the bloody September Buganda riots. Imagine the trouble Nabwama and company would be in, had they been issued with real guns!

The film features Gpuffs, Kakule William, Kabanda and Richard Ssebunya, not surprisingly unknown around the world - and in Uganda. Hard to believe that it only cost about $8 million...oh, sorry - that's approximately $3500 converted into U.S. dollars. A sequel is on the way according to Ramon Film Productions, and will have "ghetto president Bobi Wine". Yes, it will be hard to wait that long...

Pirate Corps

Last week, investigators dispatched by the Security Council to Somalia released an detailed 100 plus page report on arms trafficking, aid diversion, and other criminal activities in Somalia. Most of the attention from the report has focused on allegations that World Food Program aid had been diverted to suspected militants. The report also covers the the pirates' business model, another step in organization beyond their "stock market".

A basic piracy operation requires a minimum eight to twelve militia prepared to stay at sea for extended periods of time, in the hopes of hijacking a passing vessel. Each team requires a minimum of two attack skiffs, weapons, equipment, provisions, fuel and preferably a supply boat. The costs of the operation are usually borne by investors, some of whom may also be pirates.

To be eligible for employment as a pirate, a volunteer should already possess a firearm for use in the operation. For this ‘contribution’, he receives a ‘class A’ share of any profit. Pirates who provide a skiff or a heavier firearm, like an RPG or a general purpose machine gun, may be entitled to an additional A-share. The first pirate to board a vessel may also be entitled to an extra A-share.

At least 12 other volunteers are recruited as militiamen to provide protection on land of a ship is hijacked, In addition, each member of the pirate team may bring a partner or relative to be part of this land-based force. Militiamen must possess their own weapon, and receive a ‘class B’ share — usually a fixed amount equivalent to approximately US$15,000.

If a ship is successfully hijacked and brought to anchor, the pirates and the militiamen require food, drink, qaad, fresh clothes, cell phones, air time, etc. The captured crew must also be cared for. In most cases, these services are provided by one or more suppliers, who advance the costs in anticipation of reimbursement, with a significant margin of profit, when ransom is eventually paid.

When ransom is received, fixed costs are the first to be paid out. These are typically:

• Reimbursement of supplier(s)

• Financier(s) and/or investor(s): 30% of the ransom

• Local elders: 5 to 10 %of the ransom (anchoring rights)

• Class B shares (approx. $15,000 each): militiamen, interpreters etc.

The remaining sum — the profit — is divided between class-A shareholders. That's a better deal then what I'm getting now at work.

Die Antwoord Is The Answer

And now that you're warmed up, you can handle Progeria, underground art styles, and ninjas.

Wild Animals 1.5, Humans 0

I'm not a fan of gratuitous violence or morbidity...unless it provides an important lesson. And that lesson is DO NOT FUCK WITH THE ANIMAL KINGDOM, BECAUSE IT IS BADASS!

Sharon Brown was hiking with family and her 1-year-old daughter in a Kenyan nature reserve when suddenly their unarmed guide froze in his tracks. Around a corner was an elephant. you can guess what happened next...

The guide shouted to turn back, but it was too late. The elephant — which was protecting a calf nearby — gored the young American mother, tossed her in the air and dragged her body into the forest. The baby, who was flung out of her carrier, also died.

"We watched helplessly," Brown's brother-in-law, Rick LeVert, said of the tragic end to what was supposed to have been a scenic nature walk in the forest surrounding the lodge where the family was staying near Mount Kenya National Park.

The 38-year-old and her husband Jeff had decided to take the guided hike with their baby, Margaux, after being told by the owner of the Castle Forest Lodge that it was safe for such a young child. Though nobody knows who told them it was a good idea to go to a wold animal park in Africa with a newborn. "We were told several times that the walk was suitable for a mother with a baby. At no time did someone say there was a risk of an elephant charging," LeVert said. Melia van Laar of the Castle Forest Lodge said that the hike is suitable for a mother and young child, and that "we always do" warn guests about dangers. She said a written warning was posted on an information board.

"At that point [at a blind corner] he turned and yelled 'Go back!'" LeVert said. "Sharon, who was next to me, turned and slipped on wet ground and a branch. I helped her up, and ... 15 to 20 meters (yards) up the trail was the elephant. We turned and we began to run. It was clear to everyone if we stayed on the path we had no chance. I yelled to Sharon to come with me. I went to the left side, she went to the right side." I believe that was the wrong side.

LeVert said the family blamed the lodge staff for not warning them about potential dangers and for failing to provide adequate emergency help after the tragedy. "We're not stupid. We know we were in the wild and anything could happen. But the guide did not hesitate and said the walk was suitable. The owner did not hesitate and said the walk was suitable," he said. But you just said that you knew anything could happen...so it did. Brown and her husband worked at the International School of Kenya, where both were teachers and she was the librarian. Previously, she had served in the Peace Corps in Bangladesh and Uganda. Which means in all their travels and time in shitholes around the world, they had to be aware of the risks.

Because Castle Forest lies just outside the boundary of Mt. Kenya National Park, the family was with a hotel guide who was not allowed to carry a gun - only park rangers can carry guns. At the lodge, LeVert said the owner did not have any emergency contact numbers for medical authorities or the Kenya Wildlife Service. Van Laar said her lodge does have emergency contacts but they weren't programmed into her phone because she never had to call them. Oops.

Deaths caused by animals are common enough in Kenya that the government has a set rate to pay families in the case of such killings — about $2,600, a large sum for rural Kenyans. The government pays $660 for injuries caused by animals. The attack recalled an elephant attack on tourist Wendy Smith in 2000 while she was jogging inside the Il Ngwesi ranch, 60 miles north of the lodge. Smith, who survived with a crushed pelvis, had also been accompanied an unarmed guide. She was awarded $1 million in compensation by a Kenyan court in a case that forced organizations dealing with wildlife tourism to review security measures.

Pirate Market

Avast ye scum and ring the bell! In Somalia's main pirate lair of Haradheere, the sea gangs have set up a cooperative to fund their hijackings offshore - a sort of stock exchange meets criminal syndicate. Trading is expected to be swarthy, yar.

When not getting sniped, these heavily armed pirates terrorize shipping lanes in the Indian Ocean and Gulf of Aden, which links Europe to Asia through the Red Sea.

The gangs have made tens of millions of dollars from ransoms and a deployment by foreign navies in the area has only appeared to drive the attackers to hunt further from shore. And the profit has drawn financiers from the Somali diaspora and other nations, which has grown to require an exchange to manage their investments.

One wealthy former pirate named Mohammed took the Reuters service around the small facility and said it had proved to be an important way for the pirates to win support from the local community for their operations, despite the dangers involved. "Four months ago, during the monsoon rains, we decided to set up this stock exchange. We started with 15 'maritime companies' and now we are hosting 72. Ten of them have so far been successful at hijacking," Mohammed said. "The shares are open to all and everybody can take part, whether personally at sea or on land by providing cash, weapons or useful materials ... we've made piracy a community activity." See, it really does take a village...

Haradheere used to be a small fishing village. Now it is a bustling town where luxury 4x4 cars owned by the pirates and those who bankroll them create honking traffic jams along its pot-holed, dusty streets. Somalia's Western-backed government of President Sheikh Sharif Ahmed is pinned down battling hard-line Islamist rebels, and controls little more than a few streets of the capital. The administration has no influence in Haradheere -- where a senior local official said piracy paid for almost everything. "Piracy-related business has become the main profitable economic activity in our area and as locals we depend on their output," said Mohamed Adam, the town's deputy security officer. "The district gets a percentage of every ransom from ships that have been released, and that goes on public infrastructure, including our hospital and our public schools."

The country is a drought-ravaged shithole that provides almost no employment opportunities for young men, so many are been drawn to the allure of the riches they see being earned at sea. Abdirahman Ali was a secondary school student in Mogadishu until three months ago when his family fled the fighting there. Given the choice of moving with his parents to Lego, their ancestral home in Middle Shabelle where strict Islamist rebels have banned most entertainment including watching sport, or joining the pirates, he opted to head for Haradheere. Now he guards a Thai fishing boat held just offshore. Talk about job advancement!

"First I decided to leave the country and migrate, but then I remembered my late colleagues who died at sea while trying to migrate to Italy," he said. "So I chose this option, instead of dying in the desert or from mortars in Mogadishu."

Haradheere's "stock exchange" is open 24 hours a day and serves as a bustling focal point for the town. As well as investors, sobbing wives and mothers often turn up there seeking news of male relatives missing in action. Every week, Mohammed said, gang members and equipment were lost to the sea. But he said the pirates were not deterred. "Ransoms have even increased in recent months from between $2-3 million to $4 million because of the increased number of shareholders and the risks," he said. "Let the anti-piracy navies continue their search for us. We have no worries because our motto for the job is 'do or die'." And die some of you shall!

Piracy investor Sahra Ibrahim, a 22-year-old divorcee (what do that tell you about her), was lined up with others waiting for her cut of a ransom pay-out after one of the gangs freed a Spanish tuna fishing vessel. "I am waiting for my share after I contributed a rocket-propelled grenade for the operation," she said, adding that she got the weapon from her ex-husband in alimony. "I am really happy and lucky. I have made $75,000 in only 38 days since I joined the 'company'." And that's the difference between Somalia and the US - you don't get weaponry as alimony, and it's not permitted as "currency" for stock trading.

News Of A Monday

Just because some of us are sitting in judgment by God today doesn't mean there isn't still news happening...

Airline Tickets To Raise Cash For UN Health Effort - I have to extra for pay for checked baggage, and now you want me to fund UN programs without even offering me an in flight meal? Fuck that!

AK-47 Used For Political Fundraiser - Genius idea! I usually use it for bank robberies or small paramilitary excursions, but this really opens up the coercive partisan weaponry market. My the next election year you can count on Rockets for Republicans and Drone Bombers for Democrats!

Egypt Anger Over Virginity Faking - You expect a virgin when you pay for a virgin. These countries wouldn't seem like such fanatical zealots if some of these easy to fix issues were really dealt with. You tend to worry less about the infidels at your borders when you're not watching for infidels in your woman.

Scoop: Is Megan Fox A Flop As ‘It Girl’? - Yes.

Apple App Store Hits 2 Billion Downloads - Wow, that's a whole lot of people playing Bejeweled 2. Now somebody tell me how many of those apps are free and how many are paid downloads...

Khloe Kardashian And Lamar Odom Get Married - He'll get that annulled once he finds her dick. It's small, but that's the kind of thing that can ruin a marriage a month after first meeting.

6 Tips For Lazy Workers To Get Ahead - Number one: read a list claiming six tips to get ahead...

Homeless Ga. Sex Offenders Directed To Woods - This feels like the opening of a joke, but it's not. Is it infested with bears? Or has hunting season begun? As long as its not the same woods with Little Red Riding Hood and Hansel and Gretel, that's okay.

'World's First' Street Named After A Twitter Account - Figures that it is a street in a Palestinian refuge camp. You're no closer to legitimising yourself through twating.

Family Mental History Shadows Future Kids - That is one of the most poorly worded, ill-conceived headlines I've ever read.

Luxury Car Market May Never Look The Same - Let's hope they're still luxurious looking. And no more canary yellow cars. Ever.

'Saturday Night Live' Starts Season With F-Bomb - And no, the 'F' word in question wasn't 'funny'.

GOP pollster: Americans Angrier Than Ever - At you and the rest of the Republican shitbags. Thanks for figuring it out!

Britons Drowned In Vietnam Named - You know I'm going to laugh if one of them is named Bob.

More Than Half Million Kids Get Bad Drug Reactions - Because they're wussies and can't hold their shit. Know your limit and don't overdo it and you'll have the proper reaction.

Police Baffled By Woman’s Disappearance - I mean, she was right here! Where could she have gone? We looked away for one moment, and poof! We're the police and this never happens!

Endangered Ugandan Gorillas Join Facebook, MySpace - For some reason, they only make friends with people who have bananas in their favorites.

As Persian Jews Pray For Their Souls On Yom Kippur, They Scope Out Potential Soul Mates - God will forgive you for trying to get laid on the holiest of holy days. Kidding, he won't.

Wal-Mart Best Symbolizes America, A New Poll Finds - This poll makes me want to destroy America. Fuck you Vanity Fair and 60 Minutes, and every asshole who gave that response.

Lucy Of Beatles' 'Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds' Dies - Apparently she succumbed to her longstanding ailment, kaleidoscope eyes. She will be buried at the Strawberry Fields Forever cemetery next to the Eggman and Sgt. Pepper.

Poland Okays Forcible Castration For Pedophiles - Who says they're dumb - that's a terrific idea!

France, Poland Want Polanski Released On Bail - Okay, I take that back about Poland. Unless...

US Loosens Grip On The Internet - Yes, but that's because it needs that hand free to tighten around something else.

Man Sues Bank Of America For $1.7 Billion Trillion - Yeah, good luck with that. Though it was lower than his inital amount of eleventy gazillion.

Baby Is Killed In Apparent Gang Shooting - Toddler gangs have been squabbling over nap time and formula, and it looks like there's no end in sight. Maybe potty training will bring about a truce.

Is There A Baby Police 3?

I can't believe they made Baby Police 2. Guess that's what the Nigerians do when they're not 419 scamming...

FTD Doesn't Offer The "Sorry We Decapitated Your Ancestor" Bouquet Anymore

The descendants of an African chief who was hanged and decapitated by a Dutch general 171 years ago reluctantly accepted the return of his severed head, still angry even as the Dutch tried to right a historic wrong. Jeez, do you want the damn thing or not?

The head of King Badu Bonsu II was discovered last year in a jar of formaldehyde gathering dust in the anatomical collection of the Leiden University Medical Center. The Dutch government agreed to Ghanaian demands that the relic be returned. I mean, clearly they didn't think too much of it, so what's one less head in a jar?

Members of the king's Ahanta tribe, dressed in dark robes and wearing red sashes, took part in the hand-over ceremony (they have ceremonies for that? how often does it happen?), honoring his spirit by toasting with Dutch gin and then sprinkling the drink over the floor at the Dutch Foreign Ministry. But descendants of the chief said they were not consoled. "I am hurt, angry. My grandfather has been killed," said Joseph Jones Amoah, the great, great grandson of the chief. You should be more upset you're not clear on your lineage - he's your great, great-oh, never mind.

The chief's head was stored elsewhere at the ministry (broom closet) and was not displayed during the ceremony. It is expected to be flown with the tribe members back to Ghana tomorrow. Tribal elders said after the hand-over that they were also angry because they had been sent by their current chief only to identify the head, not retrieve it. Taking it back without first reporting to the chief would be a breach of protocol, they said. C'mon, can the Dutch really know or care about all your little tribal nuances? It's 2009, let's at least pretend to be with the times.

The head was taken by Maj. Gen. Jan Verveer in 1838 in retaliation for Bonsu's killing of two Dutch emissaries, whose heads were displayed as trophies on Bonsu's throne. Sounds fair to me. In fact, where are those two heads? Huh? Not satisfied with recovering the head, the elders demanded the Dutch government provide aid to their tribe to appease the slain chief. One Ghanaian said he wanted the Dutch to build schools and hospitals for his people. don't press your luck, buddy.

Foreign Minister Maxime Verhagen used the ceremony to apologize for Dutch involvement in the slave trade. Ghana, then known as Gold Coast, was a base for Dutch slave traders. "We are also here because of our mutual desire to lay to rest episodes in ... history that were unfortunate and shameful. Our common past also includes the infamous slave trade, which our traders engaged in and sustained and which inflicted so much harm on so many people in so many parts of the world."

Okay? You got your head and as good an apology as you're gonna get. Can you let it go now? "Without burial of the head, the deceased will be hunted in the afterlife. He's incomplete," said a Ghanaian diplomat in the Netherlands after the head had been discovereddiscovery. "It's also a stigma on his clan, on his kinsmen, and him being a (high-ranking) chief — this is even more serious." Alright, we get it - you have a very rudimentary belief system.

It was unclear what would become of it once it reaches Ghana.

Thursday Is For Headlines (Yet Again)

Some Poles Outraged Madonna To Perform On Holy Day - Any day that Madonna shakes her gristle is sacrilegious. And for the record, the other Polish thought that it was the real Madonna, so they weren't offended.

Taylor Says He Allowed Human Skulls At Roadblocks - Do you want a roadblock or a roadpossibleaccess? If you see human skulls, you bet your ass you're going to go a different direction. Though using them at the farmer's market and for parking lots is not such a good idea...

Man Jailed For Not Supporting Someone Else's Child - Just another classic case of man raises child out of wedlock, man takes two DNA tests disproving paternity, and judge still makes him pay child support, then throws him in jail.

Gay Penguins Split After 1 Goes Straight - In his defense, it was just a fun thing while he was in college. And he was drinking and listening to a lot of house music at the time.

Wedding Bouquet Launch Brings Down Italian Plane - How big was that bunch of flowers? If it doesn't fit in your hand, it's too much. Unless you're talking about later that night in the honeymoon suite.

VA. Paper Expresses Regret For Backing Segregation - Nothing says "I'm sorry" better than an apology 50 years too late. They also asked for pardon on backing the Confederates, favoring British rule in the colonies, and looking forward to the Spanish Inquisition.

Winehouse, Husband Granted Divorce - Not so strange when you know that the thing Blake Civil-Fielder looked forward to more than freedom from jail was freedom from that harpy. In fact, that may have been the reason he went there in the first place.

Giant Mystery Blob Moves Through Alaskan Waters - Are we now following Chastity Bono and her vacation plans?

JPMorgan 2Q Profit Jumps 36 Pct, Topping Forecasts / Chase's Q2 Earnings Beat Expectations - Quick math news flash...any positive number is greater than zero. To quote Tarantino out of context about this new economic development, "Let's not go start sucking each other's dicks quite yet".

TripAdvisor Warns Of Hotels Posting Fake Reviews - I'm shocked to find out that Motel6ManagerFL may have been making biased, false reviews. Can I even trust Turan3483 and his opinion now?

Favre Admits He's 'Running Out Of Time' - And we're all running out of patience. This is worse than a political campaign or gymnastics meet with all the flip-flopping. You play for the Vikings and you're dead to Scarlett.

The Squirrel With A Yogurt Cup On Its Head - Okay, it's not a news story, but sometimes you have to break things up...

Mom Of Twins At 66 Dies Three Years Later - So what if a single woman went to a fertility doctor and there were unscrupulous actions taken. Those kids will be fine. Has anything bad ever happened to orphan children?

Teen Leaves Kitten in Oven, Taunts Animal Activists - The biggest surprise to me was that the story came out of New York and not Florida. But it may be legal in the panhandle to eat cat if they're considered critters. For sure they're not varmints.

NASA Refurbishes Video Copies Of Moon Landing - Yeah, refurbishing. Refurbishing the sound stage and wires and out of the shot.

Bedbugs Cause Cancellation of University's Sofa Swap - Oh, the joys of a college where furniture lice are the biggest transmittable concern. Let's hope they spray them down so that bongwater spills and piss stains can be the only marring defects they have.

Twitter Hacked By Old Technique — Again - And by old technique I think they mean "got somebody's password". For the sake of argument, what's the worst somebody could do? Ask who's excited about seeing Public Enemies? Tell people you ate a really good sandwich? Twitter is for self-important idiots.

Three "Killer" Cougars Killed Near Canadian Town - This is a real shame, because hot, killer looking older women are really not as common as people think. They are an endangered species and should be protected. Please donate to the Famous M Old Bitches Preserve, so that I can have a corral harem safe haven for these majestic, sexy creatures.

NASCAR: Mayfield Again Tests Positive For Meth - Can you get a contact high from being around NASCAR fans? This goes back to a point I've made several times - if you can perform at a certain competitive level and do so high or after being high, what's the problem? They should get extra points for using non-performance enhancing drugs. Some will claim a stoned driver creates a dangerous situation, but its fucking NASCAR - they drive in a circle, and the only interesting thing is the crashes.

'Potter' Fans Form Real 'Dumbledore's Army' - Rally behind your dead fictional character! Their first battle? Being taken seriously. After they lose that, perhaps they'll work on more manageable goals, like defeating their poor hygiene, or vanquishing their virginity.

Gap Between Scientists, Public Widens - There ought to be no surprise that this is inversely proportional to narrowing gap between people and bibles. Like Republicans who disapprove of stem cell research, those too not feeling science should not enjoy it's benefits.

Google Earth Leads Man To 'Buried Treasure' - You can do it too! Just google "clam digger" and watch the magic treasure map appear on your screen. While the website helped him find the treasure, it was still the voice in his head that made him search in the first place.

Man Must Choose Between Selling Kidney Or Child - Sell the kid! You need your kidney and you can always make another kid. No, sell the kid's kidney! Isn't it great to know a country like Pakistan not only has nuclear weaponry, but also very specialized debt recovery ideas?

Shakira: 'I Really Want To Reproduce' - What exactly? Another shitty, generic Latin-flavored pop album. The success of other more talented performers? If you're talking about children, then maybe the answer is no. Because if you can't say you want to have kids instead of the clinical term reproduce, then you don't get to have any darling bundles of tax write-off. You're lacking the gene for caring and parental compassion.

Many Can Cope With News Of Higher Alzheimer's Risk - Mostly because they forget after a while.

Top Stories This Thursday

Lightning Strike Kills Boy At Baseball Game - Three strikes, he's out.

Human Laughter Echoes Chimp Chuckles - Further proving the evolutionary connection between the two species. But what about the poo-flinging? Can't we link that too?

Denise Richards: I Had Three Boob Jobs - No, that's not the name of her new show. All that money wasted, when she could have taken acting lessons. See what Charlie Sheen will do to a woman!

Pelosi Outlines Dem Agenda - Included was dem plans, dem ideas, dem thoughts, and dem bones.

Patients Pay Tribute To A Murdered Doctor - Which patients? Because with an abortion doctor, it the pregnant woman or the fetus?

Topless Coffee Shop Burns Down; Official Says It Was Arson - Now where am I going to get a Iced Vanilla Titty Latte?

Mom Stabs Bus Driver In Stroller Dispute - What the headline doesn't tell you is that the woman poured milk on the driver before the chest stabbing. That's not super important, but weird, and for that reason should be in there.

Report: Patrick Swayze's Show Gets Canceled - Oh my God! His show also has cancer? That's terrible! The poor guy...wha? Oh, canceled...nevermind.

Braves Release 305-Game Winner Tom Glavine - It's just shocking that a 43-year-old coming back from shoulder and elbow surgery would get the ax. Nobody can say they saw it coming.

Australia's Troops Aghast At Dutch Food - Apparently, they head about a Dutch oven, and were too disgusted to want to eat anything.

No Scars: New Obesity Surgery Goes Through Mouth - Is the irony killing you too?

Jolie Overtakes Winfrey On Forbes' Celebrity 100 - Forbes most useless list is out. But don't worry O-Nation, the woman filled with pure nougat overtook Angelina at the buffet, along with all other diners.

New England Economy Could See Gay-Marriage Boost - B+B business, commemorative maple syrup containers expected to be top money earners.

Ducklings Down Drain Rescued - C'mon, it's not all bad news today.

Questions Remain On Opel As Magna Pushes To Finalize Deal - Sadly, this is not the same, beloved MAGNA that we care about. But if there's one thing I know about MAGNAs in general - they tend to be awesome!

Yankees Reinsert Wang In Starting Rotation - Seriously, these things just write themselves sometimes.

Kenya Welcomes Obama's Speech To Muslim World - Why is it that everything that happens must be commented on by Kanye West? Like he's the authority on life and the world? Especially when....wait, it's a what? Oh...nevermind.

Dad: Son, 9, In Brazil Now 'Emotionally Damaged' - Yes, far more than having grown up in New Jersey.

Activision Sues To Stop Jack Black Game - If they can't stop him from making movies, at least they're going to work on blocking him on the small screen.

Rape Suspect Released From Hospital - Yes, the man accused of sexually assaulting an 11-year-old is leaving the hospital after he was attacked by an angry mob. Just a heads-up to all the vigilantes who put him there...

No Turtlenecks

My friends and I have an ongoing debate about circumcision, whether we are for or against and if we would have it done to our sons. Now there more ammo in favor of the procedure, which is not only a favorite of my people, but aesthetically pleasing (or in other words fly).

Circumcision not only protects against HIV in heterosexual men, but it also helps prevent two other sexually transmitted infections, a large new African study found. Circumcised males reduced their risk of infection with HPV - that's human papillomavirus - by 35% and herpes by 28%. HPV can cause cervical cancer and genital warts. Herpes greatly increases the chances of infection with HIV. However, researchers found circumcision had no effect on the transmission of syphilis, so enjoy slowly going mad with a little something extra down there.

Landmark studies from three African countries including Uganda(!) previously found circumcision lowered men's chance of catching the AIDS virus by up to 60%. Worldwide, only about 30% of men are circumcised. The figure is higher in the United States, where about 79% of men are circumcised, according to surveys by the National Center for Health Statistics. The results were similar to two recent studies from South Africa that found circumcision reduced HPV and herpes by up to a third. Researchers plan to study whether circumcision reduces the spread of HPV to female sex partners.

The latest research involved 3,393 HIV-negative heterosexual adolescent boys and men from Uganda who were part of the original HIV study. About half were randomly selected to undergo circumcision right away while the rest had the procedure 2 years later. All had physical exams and were offered voluntary HIV counseling and condoms. After two years, herpes infection was detected in 114 circumcised men compared with 153 uncircumcised men. HPV was detected in 42 circumcised men compared with 80 uncircumcised men. There was no significant difference between the two groups on rate of syphilis infections. The researchers considered condom use, number of sex partners and other factors to calculate the risk reductions. Why circumcision may reduce the risk of infection is not entirely known. But researchers think cells in the foreskin of the penis may be susceptible to HPV and the herpes virus.

The American Academy of Pediatrics previously said there was not enough evidence to recommend routine circumcision of infants but now the doctor's group is reviewing its position based on recent studies. Did you know that close to 2,800 herpes cases in newborns occur in the U.S. every year, transmitted from mothers to infants? Well, there's some learnin', free of charge.

The study was funded by the National Institutes of Health and the Bill and Melissa Gates Foundation (so suck it, Steve Jobs and whatever you do).

Chickenshirt, Or You're Never Fully Dressed Without A Smile

Not one, but two tales of tees from around the world.

First, Nigeria is hoping a new patriotic slogan emblazoned on T-shirts (and baseball caps) can restore self-confidence and overturn its battered reputation. Because pride doesn't come form inside.

Africa's most populous nation is known for corruption, is poor despite decades of oil production and is increasingly used as a drug transit route and for e-mail scams and online fraud. But now, under the slogan "Nigeria: Good People, Great Nation," Nigeria hopes to eschew that image and "entrench a culture of moral re-armament".

"At international airports, in trains, in shopping malls, and almost everywhere, every Nigerian is a marked person," says Dora Akunyili, information minister and - get this - self-styled chief image maker, at the launch of the re-branding campaign this week.

"We are pulled aside for questioning. We are seen as potential drug pushers or fraudsters. We are unfortunately denied the benefit of the doubt," she said. And then I got 15 emails asking me to help a Nigerian prince recover their wealth, and all I needed to do was give them my bank account number.

Troublesome is that Nigerians wear their country's reputation for mayhem and chaos as a mark of pride. They say if you can survive Nigeria, you can survive anywhere. And I think they're gonna wear that before a shirt...

And in Israel, soldiers are wearing t-shirts with a pregnant woman in the cross-hairs of a rifle and the slogan "1 Shot, 2 Kills". And yes, you can expect Palestinians to retaliate...and not be wearing more shirts.

"The smaller they are, the harder it is" says another shirt showing a child in a gun sight. Soldiers wore the shirts to mark the end of basic training and other military courses. The military condemned the soldiers involved, and it was not immediately clear how many wore the shirts. They were not manufactured or sanctioned by the military, and it was not clear how widely they were distributed.

The shirts "are not in accordance with IDF values and are simply tasteless," the military said in a statement. "This type of humor is unbecoming and should be condemned." The army said it would not tolerate such behavior and would take disciplinary action against the soldiers involved.

Reports stated the five shirts were made at the unit level — perhaps for small numbers of troops, perhaps several dozen, at a time, and they were worn by an unknown number of enlisted men in different units. The Tel Aviv factory that made many of the shirts, Adiv, refused to comment. Few people in the Palestinian territories appeared to be aware of the T-shirts, but Hamas said it "reflects the brutal mentality among the Zionist soldiers and the Zionist society". Yes, the kind, peace loving and gentle Hamas. Not the one who's media consistently glorify attacks on Israelis. Or the one who's cartoons in Palestinian newspapers frequently use classic anti-Semitic images of Jews as hook-nosed, black-hatted, wily and unscrupulous characters out to rule the world and oppress Arabs. Could it even be them with other Palestinian militant groups who fire rockets from heavily populated areas at Israel?

The more you think about it, perhaps a shirt's not such a big deal. And believe it, there was a Chickenshirt at the Fallbrook Mall. Custom made tees? Shit yes!

Pirates Of The Somalian

Somalia will allow foreign powers to use force if necessary against pirates who are holding a ship loaded with tanks for $20 million ransom, raising the stakes for bandits who are facing off against the United States and soon Moscow on the high seas. this is going to be like Delta Force meets Under Siege meets Black Hawk Down!

Last week's hijacking of the Ukrainian ship MV Faina — carrying 33 Soviet-made T-72 tanks, rifles, and heavy weapons — was the highest profile act of piracy in the dangerous waters off Somalia this year. The ship is presently surrounded by several U.S. warships and helicopters. Moscow also sent a warship to protect the few Russian hostages on board, but it will take a week to arrive off the coast of central Somalia, where the Faina has been anchored since late last week. Most of the 20 crew are Ukrainian or Latvian; one Russian has died, apparently of illness. Yeah, "illness"

Negotiations between the ship's Ukrainian owners and the pirates were taking place by telephone, but that "no other side is involved in negotiations." Somalia's president also urged foreign nations to help Somalis fight piracy. In the past, the U.S. military has launched air strikes in Somalia and is known to have secretly sent special forces into Somalia to go after militants linked to al-Qaida. A talking head at the Defense Department spokesman declined to comment on any possible military operations but said the U.S. was continuing to monitor the situation and remains concerned that the cargo not fall into the wrong hands.

Russia has used force in the past to end several hostage situations — sometimes disastrously, as in the 2004 storming of a school in Beslan, which resulted in 333 deaths, nearly half of them children. Here, they sought to downplay the possibility of using force in Somalia. Yesterday, the pirates denied reports that an argument over whether to surrender led to a shootout that killed three pirates. It was claimed they were enjoying a feast to end the holy month of Ramadan. However, they're pirates, so can you really believe them?

Piracy is rife off the coast of Somalia, emerging as a lucrative criminal racket bringing in millions of dollars in ransom. The pirates rarely hurt their hostages, hoping instead to hold out for a huge payday, which often works. A Malaysian shipping company confirmed it paid Somali pirates a ransom earlier this week to free two of its freighters. In June, a U.N. Security Council resolution gave foreign nations' ships permission to enter Somalia's territorial waters to stop "piracy and armed robbery at sea" if their actions were taken in cooperation with Mogadishu's government.

While few believe the pirates will be able to unload any of the tanks, the Faina's other military cargo or a huge ransom could exacerbate the two-decade-old civil war in a country where all major civil institutions have crumbled and hunger and drought ravage the impoverished population. American military officials and diplomats say the weapons are destined for southern Sudan, but Kenyan officials insist the weapons are bound for their country. The U.S. says it wants to keep the arms out of the hands of militants linked to al-Qaida in Somalia, which is a key battleground in the war on terrorism. To that end, it has surrounded the Faina with half a dozen ships, including the guided missile destroyer USS Howard.

Most pirate attacks occur in the Gulf of Aden, one of the world's busiest shipping lanes, north of Somalia. But recently pirates have been targeting Indian Ocean waters off eastern Somalia. Some 62 ships have been attacked in those notorious waters this year. A total of 26 ships were hijacked, and 12 remain in the hands of the pirates along with more than 200 crew members. New worst job in the world? Somali foreign travel bureau minister.

Dickish Behavior

Three men were shot dead and two left injured after an argument occured between a group of Indians and whites in a bar...over the size of their genitals.

The police superintendent confirmed that five people were arrested in connection with the shootings, which erupted after a confrontation between the patrons. Two of them were in possession of firearms believed to have been used in the killings. A worker at the bar said a customer of Indian origin had remarked to a white customer while they were both at the urinal in the bar that his penis was bigger than that of the white customer. Other than "who gives as shit" or "why are you talking to me in the men's room", apparently, it was too much of an offence.

"After both men returned to their friends, the two groups began swearing at each other before the group of five Indian men left the scene and all returned with firearms. They opened fire and three guys died on the spot. The other two were rushed to the hospital in critical condition."

The argument is believed to have been racially motivated, although he could not confirm the incident at the urinal. The town of Durban is home to two-thirds of South Africa's 1.2 million Indians, with the unique Indian accent there often being the butt of jokes by comedians and arguments, sometimes erupting over it in social environments if it is maligned by other groups. Other incidents happening at the urinal - peeing. Motivations - enlarged bladder and liquid consumption.

That Ol' Black Magic

Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men's penises after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft. Yes, that's how it goes on the dark continent.

Reports of so-called penis snatching are not uncommon in West Africa, where belief in traditional religions and witchcraft remains widespread, and where ritual killings to obtain blood or body parts still occur. Also, a high population live without electricity or running water - go figure.

Rumors of penis theft began circulating last week in Kinshasa, the capital of the Democratic Republic of Congo. They quickly dominated radio call-in shows, with listeners advised to beware of fellow passengers in communal taxis wearing gold rings. Excellent! A good, old fashioned word-of-mouth panic!

Purported victims, 14 of whom were also detained by police, claimed that sorcerers simply touched them to make their genitals shrink or disappear, in what some residents said was an attempt to extort cash with the promise of a cure. And the repercussions were serious.

"You just have to be accused of that, and people come after you. We've had a number of attempted lynchings. ... You see them covered in marks after being beaten," said police chief, Jean-Dieudonne Oleko. Police arrested the accused sorcerers and their victims in an effort to avoid the sort of bloodshed seen in Ghana a decade ago, when 12 suspected penis snatchers were beaten to death by angry mobs. All 27 men have since been released.

"I'm tempted to say it's one huge joke," Oleko said. I'm tempted to agree. "But when you try to tell the victims that their penises are still there, they tell you that it's become tiny or that they've become impotent. To that I tell them, 'How do you know if you haven't gone home and tried it'," he said.

Some residents accuse a separatist sect from nearby Bas-Congo province of being behind the witchcraft in revenge for a recent government crackdown on its members. Because real political dissent and retaliation is best served on the penis of your enemy. "It's real. Just yesterday here, there was a man who was a victim. We saw. What was left was tiny," said 29-year-old Alain Kalala, who sells phone credits near a Kinshasa police station. Well, there you have it - an adult who sells phone cards saw a man's small penis. Proof indeed!