Party Time Weekend

As September draws to a close, we celebrate Famous Sister's birthday. She, on the other hand, may not, as her weekends are more often spent in the office than mine. You better do something tomorrow that's celebratory, or else...

And if my idea of having fun (as seen) doesn't work for you how about this:

You know my position on polo shirts tucked into shorts, though...

Happy Birthday sis, with love!

The Devil Speaks In Three Tongues

Finally, what happens when you combine a video of Steve Vai shredding pompously with an audio track of truly awful guitar!

The BC Era?

Stunningly, 40% of Americans have never lived when there wasn't a Bush or a Clinton in the White House.

Damn, that's a hell of a statistic.

I had no idea that almost half our population is under 20. If you add the years Bush 41 was Reagan's veep and the potential two terms Hillary may be able to add, you're looking at almost four decades of reign between two families. While historical, talk of Bush-Clinton fatigue is increasingly cropping up in the national political debate. It sounds like something you get after using a treadmill.

The closest comparisons in terms of political dominance are the father-son presidencies of John Adams and John Quincy Adams, whose single terms were separated by 24 years, and the presidencies of fifth cousins Theodore Roosevelt and Franklin Roosevelt, whose collective 20 years as president were separated by a more than their time in office.

"We now have a younger generation and middle-age generation who are going to think about national politics through the Bush-Clinton prism," said Princeton University political historian Julian Zelizer. "It's not just that we've heard their names a lot, but we've had a lot of problems with their names."

So does a nation of 300 million-plus people really have only two families qualified to run it? Are the 116 million Americans who have never known a time when there wasn't a Bush or Clinton in the White House as either president or vice president satisfied?

The Clintons and Bushes have built up strong "brand" recognition for their names, just as the Kennedys did, and therefore making it harder for newcomers to compete. An NBC/Wall Street Journal poll taken over the summer found that 25% of all Americans said that the prospect of having at least 24 straight years of a President Clinton or Bush would be a consideration in their vote for president in 2008.

Whatever the poll results may be, I hope there's no Jeb component in the years to come. I pray 2009 marks the last Bush in the oval office.

Cry Freedom (From High Prices)

Political prisoner, president, and now, his crowning achievement - tape cutter at a mall opening.

Former President Nelson Mandela opened the largest shopping center in Soweto, evidence of a business boom in South Africa's most famous township.

"With this action, we declare this mall open," said a beaming Mandela after cutting a large gold ribbon. Mandela hasn't beamed like that since his divorce. His involvement is also due to his long time association with entrepreneur Richard Maponya, dubbed the "father of black retail". Yes, Maponya has a dope ass handle.

"Today, I deliver to you my dream of 28 years," Maponya said as people poured into the mall, eager to take advantage of the many opening day sales, and to help him recoup the $86 million he put into the new mall.

The event parallels the hype and success of the great Crate and Barrel opening of '97 by Gorbachev at the Mall Of The Americas, and the Golda Meir "40 K-Marts in 40 Days" trip (which was said to be one of the inspirations for The Cannonball Run).

Jump Into The Fire

Even with that jammin' harp solo, today's posts have left me a little down. So whenever I feel bad, I just think about who's got it worse, and then I cheer right up!

In Myanmar (revisionist for Burma), there's some kind of problem with the current military dictatorship. As I understand it, fire hovering is a huge pastime there, and the government is not very pleased that people continue to do so publicly. Bullet catching has become popular lately, but is second in the hearts of the people.

Jeff, pro-am fire hovering champion of Yangon

there's gonna be some fire hoverin'!

yeah! get ready for the Stevester!

fire? check. crowd? check? let's do it!

Cancer In Your Reproductives Is Not So Good For Marriage

More research about cancer, but nothing towards curing it: people who develop cervical or testicular cancer more likely to get divorced than those without the disease. Wow , the double whammy.

A meeting of the European Cancer Organization brought a report that showed those particular cancers had up to 40% more divorces than similar men and women without the disease. The researchers didn't have any information on why the couples divorced and could only guess that the breakups could be due to the cancers, but science isn't quite so exact. They just looked at 2.8 million people and comparing the divorce rates of 215,000 cancer survivors and couples with no cancer, examining marriage and divorce registration data between 1974 and 2001.

Two posts about cancer in one day...we've got more good times here than the March of Dimes!

Rybot Tip 'O The Day

If you are a fat chick, don't use a CPK bag to carry your shit around school.

Darth Vader Blues

I always thought that looked like a harmonica.

Boob Scotch

Three or more drinks a day, whether it be beer, wine or spirits, boost a woman's risk of breast cancer as much as smoking a pack of cigarettes, U.S. researchers said.

In what the researchers consider one of the largest studies to investigate links between breast cancer and alcohol, they found that alcohol itself and the amount a person consumed were key rather than the type of drink. So ladies, don't get that amaretto sour when you can just have a double shot of rye.

"Studies have consistently linked drinking alcohol to an increased risk of female breast cancer, but until now there has been little data, most of it conflicting, about an independent role played by the choice of beverage type," one of the researchers said. Other studies further complicate the drinking / health debate, and have shown that light to moderate alcohol use can protect against heart attacks. The heart protection likely comes from alcohol-induced "good" cholesterol, reduced blood clotting and decreased diabetes risk, but for breast cancer, the ethyl alcohol found in all booze likely ups the risk. Good luck trying to strike the perfect balance.

The study looked at the drinking habits of more than 70,000 women from a variety of ethnic backgrounds who supplied information during health examinations between 1978 and 1985. By 2004, nearly 3,000 of the women were diagnosed with breast cancer. Among women who drank, the team examined a preference for a type of alcohol and how much of each drink people consumed. They also compared the total amount consumed and compared it to women who drank less than one drink a day. Women who drank between one and two alcoholic drinks per day increased their risk of breast cancer by 10 percent compared with people who consumed less than one drink each day, the study found. The risk of breast cancer jumped by 30 percent in women who drank more than three drinks a day.

Sadly, the scientific community only went halfway on this, because there's a whole lot of info on STD, pregnancy, and sociological behavior that could have been gleaned. To have 70,000 hard drinkers from the late 70's and early 80's is like a debauchery goldmine.

Of course, thinking about breasts and alcohol made me think about Bob Log III and his awesome song "Boob Scotch".

The true video for the tune is insane.

Run Like An Antelope

Nike delivered a decisive blow to the competitive athletic shoe market Tuesday by unveiling the first shoe designed specifically for American Indians.

While promoting physical fitness in a population with high obesity rates, Nike is cornering a demographic once reserved only for distilleries and blanket manufacturers.

The company says the Air Native N7 is designed "with a larger fit for the distinct foot shape of American Indians, and has a culturally specific look". Unless it has feathers and buffalo hide, I don't know what makes it so specifically cultural looking, and what kind of orthopedic issues have Indians had that their foot plight has registered such distinction?

All profits from the sale of the shoe will be reinvested in health programs for tribal lands, where problems with obesity, diabetes and related conditions are near epidemic levels in some tribes. The shoes themselves will be distributed solely to American Indians; tribal wellness programs and tribal schools nationwide will be able to purchase the shoe at wholesale price so they can pass it along to individuals.

Nike designers say they constructed the Air Native to be wider with a larger toe box. The shoe also has fewer seams for irritation and a thicker sock liner for comfort. No more limping around after a firewater bender!

By the way, the N7 name is a reference to the seventh generation theory, used by some tribes to look to the three generations preceding them for wisdom and the three generations ahead for their legacy. Oh, you crafty marketing boys!

No word yet on the special line of shoes for the Malaysian children who work in sweatshops making Nike products.

Super Jack

Jack Lalanne is 93 today and can still kick your ass, thanks to the discipline of his physical fitness and diet regimen.

He even exercises his face.

Overcoming Adversity

Yiming Xiao of China performed in the individual rope final for the 28th Rhythmic Gymnastics World Championships. She did not let being Chinese or headless stop her from realizing her dreams and goals. There's an inspirational lesson in that for all of us.

Team Kingdom

Last night was another fence-hopping romp on the Universal backlot with Scartoe, who snuck me into The Kingdom.

I was happy to see Jamie Foxx got dialed down to a watchable level, because his usual scenery-chewing was one of the things that kept me from wanting to check this film out. Of course, I won't say no to a free movie, although I did see The Family Stone, and that was like using sandpaper instead of Charmin.

From the opening credits, the movie lets you know Americans and the FBI are not wanted in the desert. The pace is slow at first when the story plays like a crime drama, but shifts midway and starts to pile on the action. The film climaxes with a good twenty minutes of car chases and gunplay that are pretty rewarding. Even though Jennifer Garner does more of the same pouty-faced lip quivering she did in Alias, she was still good in the film, as were her oft featured breasts (you know they're getting shown off when your bag strap bisects them just so). Chris Cooper put in another solid, albeit small performance, and Jason Bateman steals the film with his comedic relief. The movie, while heavy in the subject matter and implication, was fun overall, and you suckers without the hookup may want to spend a few bucks if you have a weekend night open.

Afterwards, some of the other Universal crew went to the Fox And Hound pub, where Team Kingdom mostly dominated trivia night. Idle Eyes even made a guest appearance, which was a bonus to the evening. We left before finding out if TK placed in the overalls to get free grub or booze, but you can bet I shall return to suck down more pints of Newcastle if we did - hell, I may even do so anyway. Ah, such fun, and on a school night to boot...

UPDATE: We lost our shot at glory by one point. And I know that one point was my terrible insistance that the photo trivia answer was Warren Zevon, when it was Elvis Costello. I went too deep -- Zevon would never be a bar triva answer. Team, I have brough shame upon us.

can you even tell?

Space Germs

Send a man into space and you get a nice photo op. Send a germ into space and it becomes stronger and deadlier.

In September 2006, scientists wanted to see how space travel affects germs, so they took some Salmonella along for a ride. When mice were fed the space germs, they were three times more likely to get sick and die quicker than others fed identical germs that had remained behind on Earth. The researchers found 167 genes had changed in the salmonella that went to space.

What happened? The leading theory is called fluid shear.

Being cultured in microgravity means the force of the liquid passing over the cells is low. The cells are responding not to microgravity, but indirectly to microgravity in the low fluid shear effects. I don't know exactly what that means, but a woman form the CDC said it, so it must be true. They know stuff.

But what is dangerous can also be helpful, as scientists will send wheat germ into space to make a superfood. Of course the eugenically crazed Germans will soon be floating around the atmosphere to make their uber-mench.

Strike Out

Somebody should have sterilized Paul and Teri Fields.

The Fields have planned for years to name their child after the popular park where their local favorite Chicago Cubs have played for almost a century. Wrigley Alexander Fields was born Sept. 12, and his parents are assholes.

They say he can go by his middle name when he's old enough to decide, which is going to be the day after he starts school and gets his ass throughly kicked.

It still needs to be repeated: if you hate children, don't have any.

And Now, Our Official Stance On Blackwater

Dear Iraqi government,

Thanks for your concern regarding the activities of the private security firm Blackwater.

We realize that relations between the mercenaries employees of their firm and your civilians have become strained lately, what with 11 people being gunned down by them in central Baghdad last week. It is no secret that you are launching an investigation into the events, as are we, to determine the nature of the actions. As far as we are concerned, they are innocent of any and all charges you may level at them, because they are Americans, and Americans only spread freedom and liberty. Sometimes it is packed into high velocity rounds and discharged by submachine gun fire, but getting hung up over the method and the messenger is really just semantics.

Calling the Blackwater soldiers-of-fortune contractors irresponsible trigger happy killers is just incorrect. They are also patriotic rednecks and possibly psychotic. That’s getting away from the point that it is critical to our needs to employ security measures in your war-torn shithole of a country. We didn’t destabilize your nation without knowing that it was going to be dangerous there afterwards. And out of respect for your inquiry, we suspended Blackwater activities for four whole days before resuming convoy travel with them. That’s four days of plundering and theft we’re going to have to make up on our time, not yours, so, you’re welcome.

You also may not remember we issued a directive back in 2004 that granted contractors, American troops, and foreign officials immunity from prosecution under Iraqi law, but that’s no fault of yours. How many governments have there been between now and then? Yeah, it’s difficult to keep it straight, just like the term “contractor” makes you think about a carpenter or plumber, and not the same guy carrying a flack jacket and an AR-23 carbine in lieu of a wrench. Or how about the term “blackwater”, which actually refers to water contaminated by urine and feces, not hired guns mobilized as a private army.

It has come to our attention too that you have video clearly showing that Blackwater guards opened fire first on the unarmed crowd. Well…uh…whatever. That doesn’t prove they didn’t abide by the rules of engagement. There could very well be something else that occurred before the video tape from the cameras at the headquarters of the national police command was rolling and multiple eyewitness accounts condemn Blackwater actions. We don’t know yet what else it could be, but until we know what it’s not, then we can’t say for sure it didn’t exist, because we don’t know. There’s just not enough proof. Yeah, so there.

Besides, your own government officials say that expelling Blackwater would create a security vacuum, and that’s true. The United States government is willing to replace their security detail, but if you remove them now, it could take up to a month before replacements can be brought over. Sure it’s hard to tell the difference now between American troops and Blackwater agents, as they’re both decked out in camo and highly armed, but remember that our soldiers are well trained and ordered not to kill unprovoked. You may gain that little advantage if they leave, because the Hell’s Angels and 19th Street Latin Kings wear their own distinct garb, but they have a far different methodology in how they run their operations, which we are not completely in favor of. And those guys are really not our buddies, so giving hundreds of millions in defense contracts to folks who are not kicking you back some action doesn’t benefit anyone – you can see the business savvy in that, right? We’re only in this war to make money for ourselves and the companies our friends run…just suck it up until January 2009, okay?

Let us assure you that we view the shooting incident as a very serious issue, but we intend to gloss over it with more shocking allegations regarding Blackwater. Currently, federal prosecutors are investigating if Blackwater employees illegally smuggled weapons into Iraq that may have been sold on the black market and ended up in the hands of U.S.-designated terrorist organizations. While there is enough evidence to file charges, the case is still at an early stage, and there is still more to glean from two of their former employees who are happily cooperating. Can you believe that Turkish authorities seized U.S. weapons from rebels that had gone “missing” in Iraq and somebody was too stupid to file off the serial numbers on the weapons? Sloppy, yes, but at least their operations have a consistent level of shocking stupidity in their execution.

So as you can see, Blackwater, like our president, is a growing source of embarrassment that seems to have no end to the disgrace that it can accumulate. Like everything else we do that is publicly humiliating, criminal, and ethically wrong, we ask that you feel free to continue you complaining but ultimately shut up and let us deal with it by doing nothing. Please never forget we can still reduce your country to rubble and that we have no problem bombing you back to whatever was before the Stone Age we bombed you into. We are jacking your country, and therefore by the grace of God (ours, not yours), understand how lucky you are that we have decided to let you act as our puppets while we rape your nation.

Sincerely,
The United States government (without the support of its citizens)

What Part Of 'Do Not Call' Wasn’t Clear?

The Federal Trade Commission, when they’re not arbitrarily deciding fines for whatever irks their Puritan sensibilities, are dicking around with your phone sanctity.

The five year “do not call” listing is set to expire in June 2008, and numbers will automatically start to drop off…unless consumers enroll again.

"It is incredibly quick and easy to do," said Lydia Parnes, head parrot of the FTC's bureau of consumer protection. "It was so easy for people to sign up in the first instance. It will be just as easy for them to re-up." So easy that they could just as well not have names drop off the list.

That same reasonable train of logic is why some lawmakers think it is a hassle to expect people to re-register their phone numbers every five years. Rep. Mike Doyle, says people should not be forced to re-register to keep telemarketers at bay. He introduced legislation this week to make registrations permanent.

"When someone takes the time and effort to say 'I don't want these kinds of calls coming into my house,' they shouldn't have to keep a calendar to find out when they have to re-up to keep this nuisance from happening.”

Of course, the FTC won’t leave that kind of sensible thinking unchallenged. That’s why they claim they built the five-year expiration date into the program -- to account for changes, such as people who move and switch their phone number.

"Just like a regular person who needs to clean out their address book every so often, the commission felt that was something that was important to do with the registry," explained Parnes. Well said, lackey.

Doyle, however, correctly points out that the list is purged each month of numbers that have been disconnected and reassigned to new customers. That’s right, the FTC is full of…excuses.

You see, telemarketers are required to pay an annual subscription fee to access the FTC list so those numbers can be blocked from their dial-out programs. The companies also must update their own calling lists every 31 days to ensure there are no numbers from the registry on them. The annual subscription fee for the list costs $62 for each area code, or $17,050 for access to all U.S. numbers on the list. Since the program’s inception, $59 million has been paid to access the database.

Considering companies face fines of up to $11,000 for each violation of the numbers on the list, it still doesn’t make sense for the FTC to not keep the list ongoing. Then again, why mess with their long standing tradition of not being up with the times? Forward thinking is not for everyone.

P(hone)-Whipped

What’s a better way to say I love you than by not paying attention to your husband’s presidential campaign schedule?

Judith Nathan, the third Mrs. Rudy Giuliani, once again put her needs first and phoned her husband during a speech, which was being given to the National Rifle Association. Anybody wonder now why wives are mistaken so often for intruders and shot?

"Let's see now, this is my wife calling, I think," Giuliani said, pulling his ringing cell phone from his jacket pocket.

"Hello, dear," he said, speaking into the microphone on the podium. "I'm talking to the members of the NRA right now. Would you like to say hello?"

The audience of about 500 gun owners laughed a little as she appeared to decline.

He concluded the call with, "I love you. I'll call you as soon as I'm finished. Have a safe trip. Talk to you later. I love you."

"What you saw today was a candidate in a spontaneous moment on the campaign trail," said Maria Comella, who is paid to lie for Giuliani under some spokes-title. “It wasn't planned.” Oh really? Because Giuliani has answered his wife's cell phone call a couple of times prior, including during a June appearance in Florida. We’re seeing a trend form. These campaigns are so tightly manicured that nothing goes off unplanned. You think there isn’t at least one person out of the 16 people in his campaign entourage there just to hold his phone and bottled water?

Rather than worry about the Mrs. taking her gingko biloba, how about somebody give her a goddamn schedule of his appearances? Rudy, you better get a handle on that bitch of yours, because nothing says “presidential” like your lady interrupting the Middle East peace summit to ask if the blueberry stain came out of the tablecloth at the dry cleaners. You can bet Bill won’t bother Hillary when she’s in office…he’s got some unfinished business in the Lincoln bedroom.

Idiot, et al. vs. God

What’s the difference between a State Senator and a state’s Senator? One has a real job and no time to dick around making personal points using their office.

Ernie Chambers, a State Senator from Omaha, sued God last week, seeking a permanent injunction against the Almighty for making terrorist threats, inspiring fear and causing "widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth's inhabitants." Chambers is a self-proclaimed agnostic who often criticizes Christians, and said his filing was triggered by a federal lawsuit he considers frivolous. Well, thank God (oops!) for Ernie Chambers, arbiter of the legal system and fulcrum of suit worthiness.

The rational behind the action is that Chambers is admonishing the point that anybody can sue anybody. First off, believe in it or not, God ain’t “anybody”. It may not be anything. Bringing a suit against God is like suing a ghost or Sasquatch – you can‘t prove they exist in a court and you can‘t sue them. Also, there’s a little indemnity in most contracts called an “Act Of God” provision, which means people and companies are not liable for events that occur beyond human control…and don’t think anybody stuck by lightning or who spontaneously exploded ever earned their family a dime looking for a payout from the Almighty – the human legal system operates exempt and beyond the jurisdiction of God. And while we’re at it, which God exactly? Yahweh? Jesus? Buddha? Allah? Gods are going to start claiming deity profiling…and they all look alike. Black teens in Detroit are acquitted all the time because the police incorrectly grab the first dark face they see near the crime scene – do you think God won’t fair better?

Fortunately, some of the local zealots whipped up a pair of legal responses. John Friend, the Douglas County District Court clerk in Omaha claimed, “This one miraculously appeared on the counter. It just all of a sudden was here — poof!"

"God" argued that it as the defendant is immune from some earthly laws and the court lacks jurisdiction. It adds that blaming God for human oppression and suffering misses an important point. "I created man and woman with free will and next to the promise of immortal life, free will is my greatest gift to you," according to the response, as read by Friend.

There was no contact information on the filing, although St. Michael the Archangel is listed as a witness, Friend said.

The second response from "God" disputing Chambers' allegations lists a phone number for a Corpus Christi law office. A message left for that office was not immediately returned Thursday. That’s “body of Christ” for you ignorant non-Latin speakers. Get it now, dummy?

Attempts to reach Chambers by phone and at his Capitol office were unsuccessful, because he realized what an imbecile he looks like.

And kudos to the photographer who framed him in the photo like the oldy timey religious paintings. Too ironically perfect.

Atonement Weekend

Fast for 24 hours! Pick a fight with God! Make vows that may not last through the month! The ultimate bowing of the head and pretending to look serious!

Does the weekend start tonight, or really, tomorrow night? Two lousy days away from work and one of them is spent lying to myself and the powers that be. Hitting that spliff and watching March Of The Penguins? Nope. Order a pizza and make some illegal downloads? Forget it. Can I even glance out the window to admire the two next door co-eds who can't seem to shower without opening their bathroom window? Uh-uh. I'm pretty convinced God ruined my relationship with my ex because we didn't go to temple last year and had sex instead. Thanks for being a dick!

Ahhh...such blasphemy! Still punching the bastard card as long as I can.

Girls Will Be...Boys

Famous offspring gathered together at last night's Teen Vogue party. What exactly is a Teen Vogue party? Soda pop and cheez-n-crackers, and all the Disney Channel they can stay up to watch? Or more Hollywood, where starter coke sets are available and Andy Dick molests you in the bathroom.



Tallulah Belle, the 13 year old combination of Bruce and Demi, and Frances Bean, the 15 year old result of Courtney and Kurt were paling around for the cameras.

Tallulah is the perfect name for a tranny, and she looks a little manly for being a teenage girl. The red dress offsets the fact it looks like she's got a slight 5 o'clock shadow. And Francis, if she doesn't turn into Kelly Osbourne, keeps looking like a pretty version of her pop. If her pop was an ardent transvestite. Since famous male children keep getting dolled up with their lovely locks, it's only natural the response is for the daughters to butch up. Word is that Dakota Fanning was wearing a pantsuit too, but that's really veering into lesbian realms more than transsexual territory.

Say what you want about me picking on teenage "girls", but I'm not worried about being an uber-prick. I've only got a few more hours until sundown and Yom Kippur, so I'm trying to squeeze in every little bastard thing I can.

Chinese Cribs Want To Kill Your Baby!

About 1 million Simplicity and Graco cribs are being recalled after three children became entrapped and died of suffocation.

Two infants, a 6-month-old and a 9-month-old, died in the recalled cribs, which were sold through May 2007. A 1-year-old child died in a newer model of the cribs, which has not been recalled but is being investigated by safety agencies.

In all three deaths, the consumer had installed the drop-rail side of the crib upside down, which creates a gap in the crib that children can slide into and suffocate.

Seven other infants have been entrapped in the cribs, and there have been 55 reports of the cribs' drop sides detaching or the hardware failing to hold the side to the crib.

Simplicity Inc., of Reading, Pa., is listed as manufacturer of all the cribs, which were made in...yes, China!

Well, there you have it. They won't give up trying to kill American babies. Lead, suffocation, it doesn't matter. The Chinese are like the Terminator - they will...not...stop...ever...until they are dead! Unlike the Terminator, they tend to be shorter, but are suprsingly nimble acrobats.

Fantastic Four (Hundred)

Might there be any correlation that in the time it took to make 400 posts, Yours Famously was single?

Oh blog, where should be go to commemorate almost six months together?

Star Simpson, You're A Dumbass!

A student with a fake bomb strapped to her chest was arrested at gunpoint Friday at Logan International Airport, later claiming it was artwork.

Star Simpson, 19, had a computer circuit board and wiring in plain view over a black hooded sweat shirt she was wearing. The device had wires connected to a battery, allowing it to light up, and Simpson also had Play-Doh in her hands.

"She said that it was a piece of art and she wanted to stand out on career day," said State Police Maj. Scott Pare. "She claims that it was just art, and that she was proud of the art and she wanted to display it."

Simpson was charged with disturbing the peace and possessing a hoax device.

Simpson was "extremely lucky she followed the instructions or deadly force would have been used," Pare said. "She's lucky to be in a cell as opposed to the morgue."

Unbelievably, Simpson is a Massachusetts Institute of Technology sophomore.

She was arrested about 8 a.m. outside Terminal C after she approached an information booth to ask about an incoming flight — while wearing the device. Pare said Simpson took a subway to the airport, but he was not sure if she had the device on at that time. "She was allegedly picking somebody up," said Pare.

I think that Logan is the one airport you don't want to be trying that stunt at, considering their history. Unlike the awesome Aqua Teen Hunger Force promo that sent the city into a batshit frenzy, this was a suspicious person with a device on them at the airport. They should have shot her until their guns were empty. You can't be that goddamn stupid...or can you? X-ing her from the gene pool would only help mankind.

A quick recap: light up cartoon character posted around town = good; girl at airport with device on her chest = bad.

UPDATE:

Looking at the "device", it's pretty lame, but you still can't mess around with airports in the fear soaked world we live in. Now I'm just irritated she calls it "art". Shoot her for that. I've had headcolds yielding more artistic work in tissue paper that that.

I Hate Hollywood

44 Blue Productions may as well be throwing kittens in the river or sprinkling ground glass in your dinner. That's the level of physical and psychological harm they want to do to you.

The company that produced sub-par reality programing like Designing Blind (about a blind interior designer), Survive This! (that shows video clips and deconstructs them to show how to, well, survive situations), and Truth Or Scare (where Michelle Trachtenberg covers topics like vampires and Bigfoot) has added another shitty gem to their crown.

The annoying, melodramatic Chris Crocker, whose YouTube clip where he has a hissy fit over the Britney Spears mediaslam following the Video Music Awards, is now working on a development deal with them.

The show will be a docu-soap in the vein of MTV’s The Hills and Laguna Beach, and will follow the screaming 19 year old Crocker's life in Tennessee, where he lives with his grandparents.

PR bastards for the company state that Crocker had been a web hit before the tear-filled Britney rant, "having produced many popular videos on MySpace". That's like saying your 4-year old is a soccer all-star...which kid is it again? I can't tell, with all those kids swarming the ball and just kicking it and flailing for 60 minutes midfield.

"It's going to pretty much be the 'Chris Crocker experience,'" the company said. "We consider him a rebel character that people will find interesting."

That is an experience I never want to have. A whiny, flamboyant gay? How rebellious and novel. Send the show producers to West Hollywood for 10 minutes and I guarantee they'll find shoes more interesting than Crocker.

Werewolf

You're going to hell for watching it, but don't worry, I took the express way because I posted it...I'll be waiting for you.

now that's a poetry slam!

Philly Sun

I just started watching the first season of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, and the show is brutally funny.

The show is centered around four friends and their Irish pub, and all their terrible behavior. Let me describe the first three episodes I saw to help you get an idea of how rotten and hilarious they are.

The Gang Gets Racist
Dee brings her African American friend, Terrell, to the bar to meet the gang. He promotes bars for a living, and he tells the guys that he can get hundreds of people to come to events, so Mac, Charlie and Dennis hire him to increase the bar's business. Terrell then turns Paddy's Irish Pub into a very popular gay bar. Between Mac's perseived racial insensitivity and and a out of context comment by Charlie in front of the waitress he likes, they set out to make more black friends.

Dennis starts acting gay at the pub because of the positive attention he is receiving but later changes his mind about having the bar be gay after a morning after encounter orchestrated by Mac and Dee. Charlie also tries to impress the waitress by showing up with a black girl who thinks they're on a date to prove he's not racist.

Charlie Wants an Abortion
A woman Charlie dated in the past arrives to claim that her child is his and forces Charlie to baby-sit the unruly child for her, prompting him to comment that he wished he could have done the "right thing" ten years ago: make her get an abortion. This sparks a debate with the pro-life Mac, who then goes to an anti-abortion organization to get more information but meets Megan, an attractive pro-life protester, who he tries to impress by acting like a rabid "pro-life" activist.

Dee attends the rally to fight for the pro-choice side, and Dennis joins her so he can meet women. His lack of success sparks a riot when he tries to literally cross the fence to the pro-life side for more attractive women. Meanwhile, Charlie struggles with his unruly son and attempts to pass himself off as a mentor in the "Big Brother" program to impress the waitress who is a "Big Sister". When he discovers that his ex-girlfriend had lied and was just using Charlie to try and get help because the child's real father had recently run out on them, he still wants to use the kid to impress the waitress.

Underage Drinking: A National Concern
After a profitable night at the bar populated by underage drinkers, the guys decide to lower the drinking age at Paddy's to provide teenagers with a safe place to experiment. Dee meets Trey, a popular high school jock, and tries to fulfill her dream of dating a popular guy and going to prom because she didn't get to when she was in high school. Dennis is then blackmailed by Trey's ex-girlfriend into taking her to prom. Meanwhile, Charlie and Mac go to a party hosted by one of their new customers, Sarah. Sarah asks Charlie to the prom. Feeling left out, Mac decides to go stag.

I don't think I remotely did any of the episodes justice, but you can see what horrible people they are.

This is from the Underage Drinking episode...taste for yourself.

Race War?

New Orleans isn't the only part of Louisiana looking for federal aid.

Thousands of demonstrators filled the streets of Jena in support of six black teenagers initially charged with attempted murder in the beating of a white classmate. Self-proclaimed spokeman for African-Americans Rev. Al Sharpton is gathering an all-star black legislator posse to head to the House Judiciary Committee and urge them to have the local district attorney explain his actions to Congress.

"What we need is federal intervention to protect people from Southern injustice," Sharpton told the AP. "Our fathers in the 1960's had to penetrate the Kennedy and Johnson administrations, we have to do the same thing." Also in Jena was Rev. Jesse Jackson and interim NAACP president Dennis Courtland Hayes.

The story begins at a high school assembly in August 2006, when a black freshman asked the assistant principal whether African-Americans could sit under a tree that had traditionally been used only by whites. The school official replied, "You can sit anywhere you want." The next morning, students arrived at classes to find nooses -- two black and one gold at the tree -- which happen to be the official school colours. Racist? Sure. Full of school pride? Definitely!

After learning three white students were responsible, principal Scott Windham recommended they be expelled for the year. A school board committee ruled the incident was a prank without racial overtones and reduced the punishment to an in-school suspension. Federal prosecutors refused to investigate the incident as a possible hate crime.

The decision stunned African-American parents and the black community, who accused school officials of being blind to the legacy of racial violence in Louisiana -- at least 335 blacks were lynched between 1882 and 1968.

The situation quickly got worse.

On November 30th, an unknown arsonist set fire to the school's academic wing. Two days later, a black student attending a mostly white party at the local dance hall the Fair Barn (yes, that is the real name -- apparently they couldn't use the Cracker Barrel), claimed he was severely beaten by a group of white teens. The following day, a white man allegedly pointed a pump-action shotgun at another group of black teenagers in a gas station parking lot. Police charged a 22-year-old white man with simple battery in the Fair Barn assault, but the alleged gun-wielding man faced no charges.

The Jena 6 incident occurred on December 4th, when prosecutors say a group of black students attacked white teenager Justin Barker without provocation. The black teenagers contend he had taunted an African-American student who had been beaten in an earlier attack by whites. Five of the black teens were initially charged with attempted murder. That charge was reduced to battery for all but one, who has yet to be arraigned; the sixth was charged as a juvenile.

District Attorney Reed Walters stressed on Wednesday that race had nothing to do with the charges in Jena, and added he didn't charge the white students accused of hanging the nooses because he could find no Louisiana law under which they could be charged. In the beating case, he said, four of the defendants were of adult age under Louisiana law and the only juvenile charged as an adult, Mychal Bell, had a prior criminal record.

"It is not and never has been about race," Walters said. "It is about finding justice for an innocent victim and holding people accountable for their actions."

Bell, 16 at the time of the December attack, is the only one of the "Jena 6" to be tried so far. He was convicted on an aggravated second-degree battery count that could have sent him to prison for 15 years, but the conviction was overturned last week when a state appeals court said he should not have been tried as an adult.

Last month, school officials cut down the tree in the hopes that it's removal would help ease racial tension.

It's not hard to believe that there's still racism in the south, even in 2007, just as it's no surprise that Sharpie is camera-ready to crusade. For all the inequity the story is presenting, I hope that Big Al doesn't fuck things up, since his use of the media to push issues for blacks always tilts the spotlight halfway (or more) on himself.

And if you're still reading this, just stop, okay. After the last six paragraphs without any funny you should have turned away. If you read this far because this is the first you're hearing about the Jena 6 then you need to really get your news first and then come here. Other than keeping tabs on Sharpie occasionally, the only coverage here is couple of kitty shots of celebutants and some slanderous comments on the free-range idiot (humanicus douchebagerous).

Political Syphon Encounters Of The Fiscal Kind

"You can't bring all your good ideas if you don't have the resources to communicate."

That's the rhetoric Newt Gingrich dangled before reporters as he made his intentions known to possibly enter the presidential race. The former House Speaker with the good fortune of being the faceplate waverider in the '94 Republican government tide said he still might run for president if supporters will pledge $30 million by November.

How many "good" ideas do we get for just $10 million?

The whole thing sounds suspiciously like the televangelist pleas for money...as if either God or politics depend on your hard earned dollars. The only thing missing was a weepy, mascara stained Mrs. Gingrich and the threat of divine retribution. And when reporters are surrounding you at a Washington breakfast, you have no issue whatsoever with the resources necessary to communicate. I bet a dozen people can tell you exactly what he ate.

If the pledges come in as hoped by November 1st, Gingrich will consider running. He didn't say when he would decide, but quickly noted that Nov. 6 is one year before the 2008 presidential election and that it was November 13th when Ronald Reagan announced his candidacy in 1979.

Not that I think he will raise the money (even though there are enough idiots to pony up), but really America, could we ever have a leader whose name sounds like a rejected character from a Harry Potter book? If your parents make your name sound like Dr. Seuss made a typo, you ought to change it up if you have Oval Office aspirations. Just look at 1876 presidential candidate Lurp Krundleglish.

When Cancellations Are Good

I'm no fan of The White Stripes, and not just because of my natural aversion to all things overhyped and trendy.

The problem is Meg.

Watching her play the drums is like watching the Special Olympics -- it's really for them, not for you, and believe me when I say that they may not know how, uh, retarded they are, it's clear to the rest of us.

So for me, to see that the duo cancelled the rest of their tour dates due to Meg's "acute anxiety" and inability to travel is neither tragic or empathy inspiring. Jack White's Mississipi-by-way-of-Detroit wannabe blues doesn't impress me, seeing as how every song of theirs is just one riff played into submission. He doesn't write songs, he just writes a hook, and then *fart* there's that one riff stretched out into a song. To call Meg White a drummer is as absurd as suggesting the Earth is flat, as insulting as calling a black man boy, and as wrong as deeming the last seven presidential years a success.

I came across this list of ten things that probably stressed out Meg from the Vulture section of NYmag, and suffice to say, they may be correct.


1. The cleaners keep washing her whites with her blacks and reds.

2. Difficulty of remembering drum part to "Seven Nation Army."

3. The emotional scarring of having accidentally married her brother.

4. Exhausted from constantly having to talk Jack out of regrowing his mustache.

5. Kanye West not winning a single award at the VMAs — seriously, what was that?!

6. Secretly wants to wear orange, just once.

7. Jack's insistence on recording the next White Stripes album with just a megaphone and a wax cylinder.

8. Upset about the nasty review of the band's MSG show. There's no wrong in being right...

9. Wants to try one of her songs for a change.

10. Is actually a great drummer; sick of holding self back to fit Jack's idea of primitivism.

Toilet Humor

eat shit, shitbox!

Plague!

One of the things I hate and fear the most are rodents. Sure, there's also snakes, insects and zombies, but having been toe to toe with rats the size of a sub sandwich, I can tell you that my yellow streak is well founded. And I couldn't live in Manhattan, where there's something like four rats per person -- do that math.

Take a look at this video and tell me you're still cool with vermin. Shit, even the cat is freaked out, and it's a fresh, all-you-can-eat buffet for him.

The Pretty Truth

Whether we’re looking for someone to date or sizing up a potential rival, our eyes irresistibly lock on to good-looking people, a new study triumphantly announced. Um, duh.

The participants, heterosexual men and women, fixated on highly attractive people within the first half-second of seeing them. Single folks ogled the opposite sex, but those in committed relationships more often eyed beautiful people of the same sex. Um, double duh.

“If we’re interested in finding a mate, our attention gets quickly and automatically stuck on attractive members of the opposite sex,” explained study leader Jon Maner of Florida State University. “If we’re jealous and worried about our partner cheating on us, attention gets quickly and automatically stuck on attractive people of our own sex because they are our competitors.” And they had to do a study to figure this out?

Maner's research is based on the idea that we already know -- that evolution has primed our brains to subconsciously latch on to signs of physical attractiveness in others, both to find a mate and to guard him or her from potential competitors.

Maner's "experiments", which flashed pictures of attractive men and women and average-looking men and women in front of participants and measured the time it took to shift their attention away from the image, surprisingly showed little difference between the sexes. Wow, that's scientific.

The study is detailed in the September issue of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, which if anybody knows where they print it, should torch the building.

Chinese Haircut

Inspectors in southern China stripped and shaved the head of a man they found illegally posting advertisements on walls to earn a bit of money.

The victim, Xiao Liu, a 17-year-old migrant worker from the impoverished central province of Henan, was stripped to his underwear by about 10 men the Beijing News said.

The men, who traveled on scooters and identified themselves as "city inspectors," also beat Liu and forced him to get down on his knees so they could shave his hair in punishment. "Walking around the streets in only my underwear made me want to kill myself," Liu was quoted as saying, adding that he earned 20 yuan ($2.66) a day posting flyers for a hotel on the streets. I'd kill myself if I had to live in China with roving gangs of inspectors on scooters. The embarrassment of being attacked by scooter-riding "thugs" would be too much to live down. I bet they all had slick matching jumpsuits or something.

The newspaper reported clashes are common between members of the public and the inspectors, who are mainly responsible for cracking down on unlicensed hawkers suspected of selling unsanitary food or fake goods to "maintain social order." If only I could do half as many cool things here in the name of "maintaining social order". Better to visit the Sunset Strip now in case I do get the authority...

eBelgium

"For Sale: Belgium, a Kingdom in three parts ... free premium: the king and his court (costs not included)."

The odd ad was posted by one disgruntled Belgian on eBay in protest at his country's political crisis which reached a 100-day landmark Tuesday with no end in sight to the squabbling between Flemish and Walloon politicians. Apparently, neither side is willing to concede who has the dumber political name.

Demands for more autonomy from the Dutch-speaking Flemish have been resisted by the French-speaking Walloons, making it impossible to form a government coalition and triggering concern the kingdom is on the verge of a breakup. Even though it sounds suspiciously like The Bitter Butter Battle, there has been no verification Dr. Seuss is involved.

Andrew Meyer, You're Famous!

A university student with a history of taping his own practical jokes was tasered by campus police and arrested after loudly and repeatedly trying to ask U.S. Sen. John Kerry questions during a campus forum. God, political speeches never had so much action!

Andrew Meyer, 21, spent a night in jail before his release from jail Tuesday morning on his own recognizance. He had no comment when he left. His attorney, Robert Griscti, did not return messages seeking comment. Why? Because videos of the Monday night incident were posted on several Web sites and played repeatedly on television news. Buddy, you got owned. Hell, you got pwned.

The video shows University of Florida police officers pulling Meyer away from the microphone after he asked Kerry about impeaching President Bush and whether he and Bush were both members of the secret society Skull and Bones at Yale University.

University spokesman Steve Orlando said Meyer was asked to leave the microphone after his allotted time was up. Meyer was seen refusing to walk away and getting upset that the microphone was cut off. As two officers took Meyer by the arms, Kerry could be heard saying, "That's all right, let me answer his question."

Audience members applauded, and Meyer struggled for several seconds as up to four officers tried to remove him from the room. Meyer screamed for help and tried to break away from officers, but was forced to the ground as officers ordered him to stop resisting.

As Kerry told the audience he would answer the student's "very important question," Meyer yelled at the officers to release him, crying out, "Don't Tase me, bro," just before he is shocked by the Taser.

Funboy was arrested on charges of resisting an officer and disturbing the peace.

University President J. Bernard Machen called the situation "regretful" in an afternoon news conference and said two officers involved in the incident were placed on administrative leave pending the outcome of the probe. "We're absolutely committed to having a safe environment for our faculty and our students so that a free exchange of ideas can occur," Machen said.

Me? I like seeing students tasered for the comedy aspect. You see, Meyer has his own site that contains several "comedy" (yes, in quotes) videos which he appears in. In one, he stands in a street with a sign that says "Harry Dies" after the latest Harry Potter book was released. In another, he acts like a drunk while trying to pick up a woman in a bar. Damn, that is "comedy"!

The site also has what is, at best, a "disorganized diatribe" attributed to Meyer that criticizes the Iraq war, the news media for not covering the conflict enough and the American public for paying too much attention to celebrity news. No word on how many beer bongs were consumed during the composition of said discourse.

And now, two (!) eyewitness videos of Funboy. Interweb, you are freedom!

Sunday Movie

Rybot has been a busy boy all summer, recording sound for a documentary in Boston and spending near a fortnight in Montana doing the same for a feature. The trailer is now up, so peep it! Believe it or not, it was shot on HD Digital Video.

Elisha C Returning To The Small Screen?

The interweb is a place where rumors of all kinds of impossible nature bubble up, but I had to take a second to enjoy the possibility that one may be true.

Like every hot actress between 18-27, there are tales of sex tapes, and this time the wheel of fortune stopped on Jack Bauer's daughter. No information about who may be involved or even verifying the existence, but seeing as she just got out of two years worth of former L.A. King Sean Avery, I think he may be the co-star in this hypothetical video.

While I expect all reports to turn out to be false, there's always The Girl Next Door to watch Elisha emulate a pron queen.

Mukasey At The Bat

Retired federal judge Michael B. Mukasey is the nominee to replace disgraced former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, and the choice appears wise, as Mukasey is not seen as partisan, and raised no immediate objections.

As chief judge of the busy U.S. District Court for the Southern District of New York, Mukasey had presided over high-profile terrorism cases. If approved by the Senate, Mukasey would take charge of a Justice Department where morale is low following months of investigations into the firings of nine U.S. attorneys and Gonzales' sworn testimony on the Bush administration's terrorist surveillance program.

After Ashcroft and Gonzales, if Mukasey died immediately after being confirmed, he'd still have done a better job.

shake on it, jerk

Badwater

Famous Mom, who keeps track of her boy through his posts, has been itching to see me crack the lid on the story behind Blackwater. Well, finally there's some dirt to spill.

The Iraqi government said Monday that it was revoking the license of the American security firm, who it accused of being involved in the deaths of eight civilians in a firefight that followed a car bomb explosion near a State Department motorcade. The Interior Ministry said it would prosecute any foreign contractors found to have used excessive force in the Sunday shooting.

It was the latest accusation against the U.S.-contracted firms that operate with little or no supervision and are widely disliked by Iraqis who resent their speeding motorcades and forceful behavior.

Blackwater is among the biggest and best known security firms, with an estimated 1,000 employees in Iraq and at least $800 million in government contracts. Tens of thousands of foreign private security contractors work in Iraq — some with automatic weapons, body armor, helicopters and bulletproof vehicles — to provide protection for Westerners and dignitaries in Iraq as the country has plummeted toward anarchy and civil war. But Blackwater has also taken fire for their methods.

"They're famous for being very aggressive. They use their machine guns like car horns. But it's not the goal to kill people," said Robert Young Pelton, an independent military analyst. "The Blackwater guys are not fools. If they were gunning down people, it was because they felt it was the beginning of an ambush."

However, that's not always the case. Last Christmas Eve, an inebriated Blackwater employee shot and killed a security guard for an Iraqi vice president, according to Iraqi and U.S. officials. The contractor made his way to the U.S. Embassy where Blackwater officials arranged to have him flown home to the United States. And in May 2007, a Blackwater employee shot and killed a civilian who was thought to be driving too close to a company security detail.

I guess they've gotten a little twitchy since four Blackwater employees were ambushed and killed in Fallujah in 2004, and their charred bodies were hung from a bridge over the Euphrates River.

Underscoring the seriousness of the matter (having unfettered access to oil, not the loss of civilian life), Condoleezza "Whiteface" Rice planned to call Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki to express regret and assure him that the U.S. has launched an investigation into the matter to ensure nothing like it happens again. I think the same investigative bloodhounds in the Scooter Libby case will be reviewing it, which provides a happy ending for some...

The US embassy refused to answer any questions on Blackwater's status or legal issues, saying it was seeking clarification on the issue as part of the investigation, but the Iraqi government condemned the shooting by what they titled a "foreign security company", calling it a "crime."

"We have canceled the license of Blackwater and prevented them from working all over Iraqi territory. We will also refer those involved to Iraqi judicial authorities," officials said.

State Department spokesman Sean McCormack said the United States had not been notified of any Iraqi government decision to revoke Blackwater's license, but that just shows what an incompetent moron he is. I read it off Yahoo! News and posted it here, and that was while I was at work. McCormack, you're nothing more than a useless waste of flesh parading around with security clearance.

Analysts note it is unlikely the United States would agree to abandon the security company, as it plays such a critical role in American operations in Iraq, which means there'll be more to this...

999,999,999 Screaming Chinamen

A Chinese man dropped dead after playing Internet games for three consecutive days.

I'm sorry, is there a problem? One less game addicted nerd sounds good to me.

In addition to lead based children's toys, tainted food and bad medicine, China has a severe interweb addiction issue.

Worried about the spread of pornography and politically incorrect (read: uncensored) content, China has banned the opening of new cybercafes this year and issued orders limiting the time Internet users can spend online.

The dead man, aged 30, was from Guangzhou, and logged off Saturday after being rushed to the hospital from the Internet cafe. Police had ruled out the possibility of suicide, adding that exhaustion was the most likely cause of death. They did not say what game he was playing.

I don't understand how you can afford to not work for three days and still be able to pay for all that interweb access, but that's the case in state run China. Our dorks are able to camp out in basements subsisting on nothing but Mountain Dew and Nacho Doritos while being online for weeks. You may have the cheap labor, but you can't top our self-indulgent slothfulness! U.S.A. #1! U.S.A. #1!

A Man For All Religions

Republican presidential candidate John McCain, who has long identified himself as an Episcopalian, said this weekend that he is a Baptist and has been for years.

Does this have anything to do with his campaigning in a conservative, predominantly Baptist state? Damn right!

"It's well known because I'm an active member of the church," the Arizona senator said.

If that was the case, there wouldn't be a story here, no?

Further complicating the question of which Jesus McCain favors is a June interview that paints him a an Episcopalian. The senator said his wife and two of their children had been baptized in the Arizona Baptist church, but he had not. "I didn't find it necessary to do so for my spiritual needs," he said. Furthermore, he found the Baptist church more fulfilling than the Episcopalian church, but still referred to himself as an Episcopalian.

Huh?

I suspect that McCain will find Judaism when he hits the Upper West Side in New York, the Book of Mormon in Provo, and Wicca in Salem. If there are any Buddhists or Hindu enclaves I expect he'll detour off the western religions to have at them too. Cross McCain off the candidate list now too...such bold faced dishonesty is insulting. Him as a Baptist Episcopal is as ridiculous as the president being a pacifist, Harvey Firestein being straight, and Woody Allen being Muslim.

Oy Vey!

As she toasted the Jewish new year with Israeli President Shimon Peres, Madonna declared herself an "ambassador for Judaism".

Oy vey es mir!

The Italian-American singer, who was raised Catholic and only moved onto Jewish Kabbalah studies in the last couple of years, was in Israel to attend seminars and visit some holy Kabalahist sites.

Madonna paid Peres a visit at his Jerusalem residence on Saturday evening and the two exchanged gifts, with Madonna receiving a lavishly bound copy of the Jewish Bible. Fifteen years ago, a visit from Madonna would be some light BDSM and a possible STD, but she gave Peres a volume of "The Book of Splendor," the guiding text of Kabbalah.

Madonna's interest in Kabbalah and Judaism in recent years has been criticized by Orthodox Jews, who say it is an abomination, although they may be considering her last couple of albums. Also in Israel for the Kabbalah conference are Hollywood lemming Demi Moore and her husband, actor Ashton Kutcher, Rosie O'Donnell and fashion designer Donna Karan, and Guy Ritchie.

I will be making amends for myself come this Yom Kippur, but I have no response on Rosie and Ashton. We need to draft better for year.