Pimp My War

Bored with life on his family's South Carolina horse farm, Willard McCormick decided that military service was the right plan for his future -- and when the Army dangled its new, $20,000 recruiting bonus in front of him, the decision got a lot easier.

"I wasn't going to go right away, but I heard about the bonus and decided to jump on it," McCormick, 19, said a couple of days after signing up.

Let's just stop there and assess.

First, I can hardly believe there was somebody born since 1985 who was actually named Willard. Knowing he lives on his SC family farm cushions the blow, but wow. The notion that kids these days are either looking at shoveling horse shit or taking mortar fire from insurgents as their options means we do not have adequate scholastic programs to train our youth to achieve higher or lack birth control education to keep dumb motherfuckers with only those two futures to comprehend from being spawned. And my favorite part -- we're out $20K to this clown who was already planing to go get himself killed so that Halliburton can get their Q4 profits up. It's all part of a fast track program to get more warm bodies into the line of fire while enlarging our occupying force.

This new bonus comes with a "Quick Ship" provision, cutting the average 40-day wait time between sign-up and departure for basic training, because you got to die sooner, otherwise all those bonuses could get claimed, and that's a lot to pay out. Half the bonus is paid out on completion of basic training and training in individual specialties, while the remainder is to be doled out over the course of active-duty enlistment, which must be for at least two years. That means the next administration will not only have to extract us from the Middle East, but find a way to eliminate this additional deficit that's been tacked on to the whole sordid affair.

Since the bonus was unveiled in July, more than 6,200 recruits have signed up to begin basic training before Oct. 1, a move that boosts end-of-fiscal year recruiting numbers. Old white men in the Pentagon must be elated. After missing its monthly recruiting goals for two consecutive months, the Army announced in August that it had slightly exceeded its target for July. It signed up 9,972 people, up from the 9,750 it was hoping for. Expect those 20,000 reasons to entice more backwoods knobs in the months to come.

Despite the possibility of being sent to fight in Iraq and Afghanistan, those opting for the Army bonus seem to have already made up their minds to join the military — they just haven't settled on which branch to join, an Army recruiter said.

"It helps to solidify their decision."

So we're already spending billions to fight this war, and now our tax dollars are going to yahoos already planning to get shot for America? What's next? Giving criminals money before they steal it or get it through illegal means? Free blow jobs to every john planning to engage an escort? Spicing the pot helps when there's no decision to be made, not when it's already been.

I know these human targets are coming from some pretty fiscally underdeveloped areas, but dangling a $20K carrot is not the magic solution to growing the army and winning the war, especially when it relies on the rest of the country's dime. I absolutely support the soldiers and reject the war, but every one of these GIs who sucks an extra $20K out of America who was already planning to go enlist ought to come home as unidentifiable ground meat in a bodybag. Hell, go Private Pyle in basic and save us the initial $10,000.