And Now, Our Official Stance On Blackwater

Dear Iraqi government,

Thanks for your concern regarding the activities of the private security firm Blackwater.

We realize that relations between the mercenaries employees of their firm and your civilians have become strained lately, what with 11 people being gunned down by them in central Baghdad last week. It is no secret that you are launching an investigation into the events, as are we, to determine the nature of the actions. As far as we are concerned, they are innocent of any and all charges you may level at them, because they are Americans, and Americans only spread freedom and liberty. Sometimes it is packed into high velocity rounds and discharged by submachine gun fire, but getting hung up over the method and the messenger is really just semantics.

Calling the Blackwater soldiers-of-fortune contractors irresponsible trigger happy killers is just incorrect. They are also patriotic rednecks and possibly psychotic. That’s getting away from the point that it is critical to our needs to employ security measures in your war-torn shithole of a country. We didn’t destabilize your nation without knowing that it was going to be dangerous there afterwards. And out of respect for your inquiry, we suspended Blackwater activities for four whole days before resuming convoy travel with them. That’s four days of plundering and theft we’re going to have to make up on our time, not yours, so, you’re welcome.

You also may not remember we issued a directive back in 2004 that granted contractors, American troops, and foreign officials immunity from prosecution under Iraqi law, but that’s no fault of yours. How many governments have there been between now and then? Yeah, it’s difficult to keep it straight, just like the term “contractor” makes you think about a carpenter or plumber, and not the same guy carrying a flack jacket and an AR-23 carbine in lieu of a wrench. Or how about the term “blackwater”, which actually refers to water contaminated by urine and feces, not hired guns mobilized as a private army.

It has come to our attention too that you have video clearly showing that Blackwater guards opened fire first on the unarmed crowd. Well…uh…whatever. That doesn’t prove they didn’t abide by the rules of engagement. There could very well be something else that occurred before the video tape from the cameras at the headquarters of the national police command was rolling and multiple eyewitness accounts condemn Blackwater actions. We don’t know yet what else it could be, but until we know what it’s not, then we can’t say for sure it didn’t exist, because we don’t know. There’s just not enough proof. Yeah, so there.

Besides, your own government officials say that expelling Blackwater would create a security vacuum, and that’s true. The United States government is willing to replace their security detail, but if you remove them now, it could take up to a month before replacements can be brought over. Sure it’s hard to tell the difference now between American troops and Blackwater agents, as they’re both decked out in camo and highly armed, but remember that our soldiers are well trained and ordered not to kill unprovoked. You may gain that little advantage if they leave, because the Hell’s Angels and 19th Street Latin Kings wear their own distinct garb, but they have a far different methodology in how they run their operations, which we are not completely in favor of. And those guys are really not our buddies, so giving hundreds of millions in defense contracts to folks who are not kicking you back some action doesn’t benefit anyone – you can see the business savvy in that, right? We’re only in this war to make money for ourselves and the companies our friends run…just suck it up until January 2009, okay?

Let us assure you that we view the shooting incident as a very serious issue, but we intend to gloss over it with more shocking allegations regarding Blackwater. Currently, federal prosecutors are investigating if Blackwater employees illegally smuggled weapons into Iraq that may have been sold on the black market and ended up in the hands of U.S.-designated terrorist organizations. While there is enough evidence to file charges, the case is still at an early stage, and there is still more to glean from two of their former employees who are happily cooperating. Can you believe that Turkish authorities seized U.S. weapons from rebels that had gone “missing” in Iraq and somebody was too stupid to file off the serial numbers on the weapons? Sloppy, yes, but at least their operations have a consistent level of shocking stupidity in their execution.

So as you can see, Blackwater, like our president, is a growing source of embarrassment that seems to have no end to the disgrace that it can accumulate. Like everything else we do that is publicly humiliating, criminal, and ethically wrong, we ask that you feel free to continue you complaining but ultimately shut up and let us deal with it by doing nothing. Please never forget we can still reduce your country to rubble and that we have no problem bombing you back to whatever was before the Stone Age we bombed you into. We are jacking your country, and therefore by the grace of God (ours, not yours), understand how lucky you are that we have decided to let you act as our puppets while we rape your nation.

Sincerely,
The United States government (without the support of its citizens)