Perhaps Not Perfect, But Still Alright

According to a formula created by used by the British company Lorraine Cosmetics contest, this is the perfect face.  Well, the most perfect out of 8,000 applicants.

The "perfect" face has a distance between the pupils of just under half (46%) the width of the whole face from ear to ear. Florence here's ratio is 44%  Also, the relative distance between eyes and mouth should be just over a third of the measurement from hairline to chin, and Florence is a 32.8%. But when mathematics fail, there also her large eyes, high cheekbones and full lips - y'know, the intangibles that every contest has to have.

Knowing the hard road that is English dentistry, I imagine Flo's got a nice set of choppers, but that will remain a mystery - at least for the sake of the contest.  They sell make up, not retainers, so we can not add a smile into the equation.  But really, even if it's not completely on the level, isn't that a better picture to show up at the top of the page than Noctomom?

Noctomom?

I'm going to take the high road as best I can for this post, but you can all make your own cringe-worthy comments about the latest woman in line to birth a litter of children.

Karla Vanessa Perez, lives in Coahuila (Mexico), which borders Texas, is said to be one month away from giving birth to 6 girls and 3 boys, and just like Nadya Suleman, Perez said she had fertility treatments leading to the multiple pregnancy.  Mexico's Notimex news agency (who I'm sure is totally reputable) reported the story, but like a Mexican soap opera, there has to be a stunning twist, and that's a report from Univision.

The channel claims a reporter spoke with a Mexican doctor who performed an ultrasound on Perez, and determined her uterus was "empty."  I think they could have also said a reporter "spoke" to a "Mexican doctor" who "performed an ultrasound" on Perez and determined her uterus was empty, and it could be equally accurate.  I'm not sure if she's telling the truth or just a fat bitch, but I think we can all agree when it comes to kids, eight is enough.

Because Watching It In Real Time Was Too Slow

Art Imitates Meme

I know I am the internet because I recognize all the memes - front and back!

Pig To Head Back Home To Wallow In Mud

For months I've been calling the Republican nomination "race" a joke, but at least here's the punchline - evil is retreating to it's lair.

In the slow news cycle of the GOP crawl towards their convention, it's been one virgin after another served up at the alter of Romney for sacrifice, as each challenger took their shot and gained slight momentum crawling over the one that fell before them.  And for that predicable and oft-repeated reason, one more rich white man has fallen, and yet it's as protracted as the media-driven (non) contest of the race itself.

Newt Gingrich will officially suspend his bid for the presidency next week - yes, the pre-announcement of his pending announcement is somehow considered worth mentioning.  He could just quit, I don't know...now, but that would be too easy.  You see, there's still millions in contributions to collect and hide before dismantling the snake oil campaign machine.  And since he's essentially been an human caricature of Porky Pig - well, one with a hair helmet and a predilection to rut, he had to stutter politically and drag out his exit.

I would hate to see any Republican win in November, but Newty is a special kind of old school shitbag.  Not the harmless, naive kind you find in Rick Santorum, or a sad clone of Bush in Rick Perry, but a crafty bastard that was part of the early 90's GOP congressional class that basically tried to put every dark cloud they possibly could over the Clinton era, which was fitting considering that it should have been heeded as a warning for the stormy presidency to follow.

At least we'll have another few years before he dips his fat toe back into the candidate pool.  Unless he dies.  Nothing wrong with that....

A Horse-load

Lazy Drinkers

Six teenagers have shown up in two San Fernando Valley emergency rooms in the last few months with alcohol poisoning after drinking hand sanitizer.  Fuck, kids are stupid.

Public health officials are worried this is the start of a dangerous trend, though I see it as a great way for Darwinism to take effect. Some of the teenagers used salt to separate the alcohol from the sanitizer to convert it into a potent drink similar to a shot of hard liquor. But I wonder how they can figure out how to distill their hand-wipe moonshine but not actually get their hands on actual liquor.

Liquid hand sanitizer is typically 62% ethyl alcohol and is the equivalent of 120-proof liquid, and follows other over-the-counter items like mouthwash, cough syrup and vanilla extract that kids have tried to get wasted on.  Most people are too young to remember to foolish attempts to get high smoking banana peels or when modeling glue was good for a huffing, but I'm disappointed in the youth of today who have to come up with stupid ways to get loaded when there's medicine cabinets and wet bars a plenty at home.  I still look back fondly on Herr Docktor's parents who chained the liquor cabinet closed...and how he would undo and redo the links to get in...

In Space, No One Can Hear You Strip Mine

Kudos to James Cameron, who found another way to make billions more!

Planetary Resources, Inc. is a new Cameron fronted venture,  backed by investors the likes of Google co-founder Larry Page, Ross Perot Jr. (chairman of The Perot Group and son of the former presidential candidate), Eric Schmidt (executive chairman of Google), K. Ram Shriram (Google board of directors founding member), and Charles Simonyi (chairman of Intentional Software Corp.), with the intention to mine near-Earth asteroids for precious metals and water.

Referring to them as "the low-hanging fruit of the solar system", these asteroids would provide ample uthenium, rhodium, palladium, osmium, iridium, and platinum  - all rare and in demand on Earth (and mostly controlled by Chinese and foreign interests).  Under the noble idea of advancing humanity's exploration of space, their resource extraction and refining will create the unimaginably rich and powerful corporate backbone for that to occur.  Like an intergalactic gas station, they can provide water and key elements for manufacturing technological products.  For example, a single space rock 1,650 feet wide contains the equivalent of all the platinum-group metals ever mined throughout human history.

Before that can happen, it needs to do some in-depth prospecting work. Of the roughly 8,900 known near-Earth asteroids, perhaps 100 or 150 are water-rich and easier to reach than the surface of the moon.  Using a telescope that will be launched into a low-Earth orbit in the next 18 to 24 months, the company will source it's targets.  Currently, all mining activities are planned to be accomplished by swarms of unmanned spacecraft, and the company does not (immediately) plan to extend its operations to the asteroid belt between Mars and Jupiter or to the surface of the moon.  but it should be stressed that there was no date or timeline given when they would (or could) begin extracting metals or water from space rocks.

Though a recent study sponsored by Caltech estimated that a 500-ton near-Earth asteroid could be snagged and dragged to the moon's orbit by 2025 at the low low cost of about $2.6 billion, it did not detail the giant space lasso needed, but what ever the method, Planetary Resources has the jump on everyone.

Perhaps Contraption

Cosplay You Can Leave The House In

Even though we love girls in their superhero costumes, Looking MARVELous actually pairs clothing and accessories so that gals can dress in real clothing with a nod to their comic countparts.

Golden Throat Is No Golden Glove

Sometimes, a headline is beautiful.

"American Idol Scotty McCreery Hit In Throat While Pitching For High School Baseball Team" tells you everything you need to know, and yet still makes you want more.

It's easy to forget the television karaoke star was only a student when he headed to Hollywood with nothing but a smirk and a 50 year-old's voice, because, well, who cares.  But thankfully, he's been thrown back into the media cycle for doing what all young men strive to do: become a star athlete so he could get laid - because letter-men get ass and choirboys don't.

McCreery took the mound for his second varsity baseball star when a one-hopper (that's a term from baseball, and baseball is said to be a sport)  bounced up and hit him directly in the throat during the third inning. Reporters said he "showcased his toughness" by staying in the game and pitching for three more innings, and who can argue?  Everybody knows your throat and pitching arm are connected!

I just wish that some of the American Idol contestants played more aggressive contact sports...

Charlotte Devaney Is...Nice

Earn Back Those Tax Losses On The Black Market!

Aerodestructive

Imagine you could run so fast, your skin peeled off.

That's basically what happened with a secret hyper-sonic plane developed by DARPA - y'know, the lovable scamps from the Defense Advanced Research Project Agency!  Apparently, a plane going 20 times the speed of sound may put a little pressure on the surface of the aircraft.  At least, that's the best guess as to what caused their HTV-2 to crash in the Pacific Ocean last August.  Not bad for an eight month inquiry.

DARPA expected the arrowhead shaped vehicle to lose some of its skin mid-flight, but as they say, "larger than anticipated portions of the vehicle's skin peeled from the aerostructure".  That may be an understatement, considering the shockwaves it experienced were more than 100 times what the vehicle was designed to withstand.  Well, that's what will happen when you make something that can get from Los Angeles to New York in about 12 minutes. Details of the  craft's design and stability system still remain classified, but it's likely tied to a test that the Army performed two months later on a system called the Advanced Hypersonic Weapon, that was (the kind designed to strike any target in the world in just a couple hours).

NHL, You're Welcome

So, there goes the number one seed in the Western Conference and the top finishing team in the league...at the hands of the lowly eighth seed.  It's just gravy that San Jose also got the boot this weekend.

The Kings? Yeah, they are for real.  One game, one round at a time, but this is HUGE.  A decade in the waiting. 

Fossil Avengers

Stoned Bowl

News flash to the University of Oregon football players who came forward in the recent ESPN article to share the news of their pot use - get ready for increased drug testing next year and in the NFL.

Yes, it's not so much news as it is newsworthy, since you rarely hear marijuana in conjunction with athletics other than when there's a mugshot involved, but college students smoke weed, which include the players on the team.   And they admit it.  An NCAA study released in January had 22.6% of athletes hitting it, which is up almost a point and a half for the last study in 2005.  College football players ranked highest (pun intended) among major sports with more than a quarter smoking their eighths. The article sourced 19 current and former Oregon players and officials who chronic-led the last 15 years of smoking. Former Ducks player and current pros estimated that 40-60% of the squad lit it up, and current Ducks concur on that figure.

Even though we all knew what was going on, it is a major revelation to see it so candidly confirmed. I mean, it is Oregon and not, say, BYU, so we can't be too shocked, but as marijuana becomes more commonplace - and more legal, it could just be a matter of time before this is a small footnote. And I've always been impressed with athletes being able to perform well and still have drugs in their system that are not performance enhancing. So if you can toke a little and still play to your potential, where's the downside?

Because Video Games Are The Future

Food For Thought Tomorrow Morning

(click to gigantify)

The Bollywood Dahlia

Indian actress Meenakshi Thapar (26), was allegedly kidnapped and definitely beheaded in an attempt to extort 1.5 million rupees from her family.  Damn shame to kill a piece of ass for what comes out to around $30,000.

Fellow actors Amit Jaiswal (36), and his lover Preeti Surin (who I assume is a woman, since it is never referenced in the article), met Thapar on the set of the horror film 404, which some say is the number of different bacterial strains in the Ganges.  It is alleged they killed her on the set of her new movie, ironically titled Heroine, after listening to her boast about her family’s wealth and status in Dehra Dun (which is the Himalayan foothills of northern India - kinda like their Walnut Creek).  That's a pretty lame boast, considering any life above begging and avoiding poverty pretty much levels that playing field.

The two actors invited her on a trip with them to Gorakhpur, a small town close to India’s border with Nepal, where they held her hostage and demanded ransom.  When Thapar’s parents paid only 60,000 Rupees, they killed the actress.  What did you expect?  That's barely $1,100.  Thapar was strangled to death, beheaded, and her body was dumped at two different sites.  Her killers dumped her torso in a water tank and her head thrown out of the bus window in a bag on the road to Mumbai (which is more common than you think). Jaiswal and Surin were caught and reportedly confessed to the murder.

Playoff Hockey, Suspension Edition (aka The Shanabans, so far...)

Raffi Torres - 25 games (check out his rap sheet of dirty hits and suspensions)

Aaron Asham - 4 games

Carl Hagelan - 3 games

Andrew Shaw - 3 games

Byron Bitz - 2 games

Matt Carkner - 1 game

James Neal - 1 game

Nicklas Backstrom - 1 game

BONUS:

WTF...no call?

  Damn right that's a clean hit!

A Bold Approach, But I'm Not Sure I'm Sold On It

What Doesn't Die

It was a shock to many that television and broadcast pioneer Dick Clark died today at 82.  It was his third death.

Clark was best know to your parents and grandparents as a rasio personality and the guy who brought them "American Bandstand”.  My generation also remembered him as the guy from  "TV's Bloopers and Practical Jokes", and many of you probably know him as "is that Ryan Seacrest's grandfather on New Year's Rockin' Eve?"

What was supposed to be a simple outpatient procedure (rumored to be his bi-monthly injection of newborn's blood) ended with Clark having a massive and fatal heart attack.  His first death was in 1966 when his car careened off an icy road in Pittsburgh.  The paralysis reportedly caused by a stroke in 2004 was actually due to his being dead for six days and the delay in resuscitating him.  Ed McMahon, who hid Clark's body in 2004, is not being considered a person of interest this time around, since he's dead, but all eyes are on Ryan Seacrest, who openly admits Clark's role as mentor - and the only thing standing between him and a multimedia monopoly.

Though Seacrest has all but modeled himself after Emperor Clark in his career, those close to the veteran personality say Clark's legacy will stand.  Dr. Lester, a close associate of Clark, called Seacrest "a perfect host", but could not tell much more than for people to wait until his 44th birthday. I'm guessing that's when we may find out how Clark his nickname "America's oldest teenager".

Talking Heads

Overkill

The U.S. Forest Service is considering explosives to move a bunch of frozen cows that died after getting stuck inside a Colorado cabin above11,000 feet.  Sounds reasonable...if you're a 9 year old boy.

The carcasses of at least a half dozen animals were discovered by two Air Force Academy cadets when they snow-shoed up to the cabin in late March.  It is believed the animals sought shelter during a snowstorm and got stuck, and the concern is that of water contamination in the nearby hot springs if the cows start decomposing during the upcoming thaw.  But explosives?

While they do admit it has been used "as a means of disposal to remove dead horses, elk and other animals in areas where it's impossible to get them out" in the past, that's not even the craziest of the suggestions.  One of their geniuses suggested burning the cabin and dragging the dead cows out with pack animals, but the other, less reactive rangers noted the high fire danger in the area.  Due to the remote location, the use of helicopters is too expensive and rangers are worried about using trucks in a wilderness area, which could disrupt the natural habitat.

Why has nobody said anything about chainsaws and blowtorches?  Once again, my faith in our government is marred by their inability to think inside the box.   

Undervalued Happiness

I have a long-standing hate of the Yahoo! source site Live Science, due to their ill-written, conceived, and executed articles...and even if they become Live Finance, I'll hate them too.

Using the old conceit "money can't buy happiness", they argue that perhaps it might! According to a new poll, an annual household income of $50,000 is enough to "increase the likelihood of people feeling an overall sense of happiness and satisfaction in life".  That must be the cheapest happiness available.  To arrive at that number, the researchers at Marist Institute for Public Opinion at Marist College (no, I don't think that's a real place either), asked people to rate their level of satisfaction in the following areas of their lives: family, neighborhood safety, housing situation, spiritual life, health, friends, work or how days are spent, free time, finances and community involvement. Afterwards, they asked them to identify their annual household income, and households with annual incomes of less than $50,000 were not as happy as those with more than $50,000. 

The survey also found that in the past year:

•57% cut back on spending

•26% considered delaying retirement

•17% had trouble paying for medical care

•14% had trouble paying their mortgage

•12% had trouble paying for prescription drugs

Yeah, if your household - that's you plus everybody who lives there, make less than $50,000, you not only have trouble paying for your medicine and shelter, but you're probably on the cusp of not being able to survive.  There's no delaying retirement - you're gonna die an 87 year old greeter at Wal-Mart.  Or next week, when you can't afford to pay your utilities and the main line backs up and you get a horrible infection from the filthy conditions.

Their study was based on the responses of over 1200 people in a telephone survey, and that pretty much tells you the most important yet hidden detail of the research - any idiot who would take a phone survey is unlikely to ever comprise a household that will make more than $50,000.

Kiddstein

They do other covers too, but the Rammstein covers are special.

Death By Ridiculous, Part 2 - Hollywood Deep Throat

Hollywood publicist Michael Sands may have been described as “the brains behind Mr. Blackwell’s Worst Dressed List”, but he will be posthumously know as "the throat behind choking to death on a beef sample at a Gelson’s".

According to his son, Sands had narrow airways caused by "chronic obstructive pulmonary disease", which made him more prone to choking.  Apparently, the disease made him unable to chew meat properly before trying to swallow.  From my research, he died as colorfully as he lived.  He claimed to be an undercover CIA operative, though I find it unlikely he helped capture Abu Abbas, the terrorist behind the hijacking of the Achille Lauro cruise ship in 1985.  He also sold designer cheesecakes and appeared partially nude in a picture in People magazine.  And of course, mocking the low-hanging fruit that is celebrity fashion.

Yeah, being in mouth-cramming meat-lust is an appropriate exit when that's your life.

Death By Ridiculous, Part 1 - Black Swan

Anthony Hensley used swans to keep geese away from properties around a Chicago pond...until the geese got the upper hand and turned his friends into foes.

An angry swan is being blamed for knocking Hensley out of his kayak, continuing to attack until he drowned.  The swan reportedly continued to chase Hensley after he fell into the water, and by the time rescuers arrived he had drowned.  CSI (Crime Swan Investigators) believe the man had traveled too close to the swan or swan's nesting area, prompting the attack.  Or perhaps the geese paid $500...well, maybe.

Family and friends are puzzled, likely because they never knew how much if a pussy he was. "Maybe he didn't fight back enough when the swan attacked him," said father-in-law George Koutsogiannis. "Maybe he didn't want to hurt the animal. I can't understand how this was possible.".  Hensley was 37,married, and a father of two.

Making Metal More Attractive

Metal usually looks more like the band than the singer...maybe it's a trend that will continue (at least, if the music can't get any better).